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My Relationship With Dragoneer
a year ago
Serve those above you for they advance you. Serve those below you for they support you. Serve those beside you for they will catch you.
It feels odd to talk about this. Especially considering the vast history other people have had with him, I was such a new presence in his life and him in mine. But I think I need to get my thoughts off my chest. I bottle things up way too much.
We'd "met" in a shared chat group on Telegram, and were likely aware of each other's existence for a few years already. I approached him about a commission which he accepted, but due to a serious lack of confidence in his own artistic skill, he felt he would be unable to complete it and gave me a refund shortly thereafter. He seemed to be going through quite a lot at the time, so I mostly kept my distance, give some space. He had already bought back FA and I'm sure he had way more stuff on his plate than what could remotely be considered reasonable. It wasn't until this past year around my birthday in September when we really started talking. This was about the time when he had seriously injured his hand.
As most new relationships start, we just chatted about a few little things that would come up. Mostly I would initiate. I figured he was still a really busy guy. At first it was the occasional check in, see if he was feeling better, until it was a now and then "hey, what's up" kind of small talk check-in chatter. He didn't always answer, but as a person who consistently has no fewer than 50 unread text messages on my phone on any given day, I can understand the social burden.
We started sharing things back and forth, mostly eevee and eeveelution pictures. Eevee's my favorite pokemon too, after all. Eventually we got into in depth conversations about things like MMOs, and the allure of certain fetishes. Nothing particularly thought provoking, but still serious, intentional discussion. It was about then when I asked if he was willing to accept the previous commission again as he was starting to feel better and more confident about his own art again. He was hesitant about the scale (ref sheet), and so I asked if he could just do his interpretation of my character, heavy artistic license, and no pressure. Get to it when he could get to it. He accepted.
I remember that at some point he lamented being unable to do a proper job because his art was so bad. I got the feeling he was comparing himself to some of the more realism style artists. I told him that his art was great, and if i didn't think that his style was also great, then I wouldn't have asked him if he could draw for me. I remember he seemed to calm down afterwards because after that we bandied around a few ideas about what to do with the commission. Hyper? Eevee version? Hybrid version? Et cetera. I'm sure he was trying to get a better idea of what I would like. I got the feeling that he had gotten a decent concept in his head so I told him that I would look forward to whatever he had in mind as long as he took the time to just enjoy the process of arting. To have fun with it.
We continued to talk here and there, sharing more things back and forth. Nothing ever really personal or in depth, but still relatively consistent, considering my terrible work and sleep schedule. Nevertheless, when I would find something I thought he would like, I would still share. Again, he didn't often answer, but by then he had already expressed that he hadn't been feeling well for some time. Yet whenever he would find the time to answer, he was open, pleasant, and earnest and had surprisingly keen feel for my types of humor for what little that we really knew each other. He even started sharing a thing or two first usually with a "I think you'd like this" type of message. I got him a set of YCH stickers that he was obviously excited about. We were by no means close, but it seemed as if we had started laying the foundation of what could potentially be an actual friendship.
Once his illness had really established, and more so in these final stretches, there was, naturally, even less energy for him to respond to what I am sure was a constant barrage of messages. I finally decided that for the first time ever, I would actually donate to a "Unitedstatesean healthcare failure" fund. His. I sent him a gift on PayPal. I doubt he even got a chance to read the notification.
The last interaction I had with him was in that shared chat group, and it was him encouraging me to face my anxieties about using digital tools. He was gone half a day later while I was at work.
I got a notification that Felis had cancelled her stream without ceremony or context, which I found extremely odd. I would be lying if I said that it didn't make me worry a little bit. But I didn't have time then. When I got home, the news had just been announced.
My last message directly to him was "*pats, tucks you in, feeds you broth, makes you tea*" on Telegram on after he expressed on social media how awful he was feeling. It remains unread, and it now feels so... inane.
I'm much more affected by his passing than I expected. When I heard the news, it was initially more of a shock. A "Goddamn, what the fuck?" moment. But after a couple hours, I was in tears, confused and upset. We weren't THAT close. Why was I crying? I was completely useless at work the following day and didn't really get past it until I added him to a little informal shrine I have at work with the prayer card of a long-time, in-person, friend-of-a-friend acquaintance who had passed a year ago. Who, incidentally, I was ALSO getting to know better and was starting on the path to close friendship. And as much as I would like to believe that I have acclimated to Neer's passing, I still have not been able to get to sleep until only a few hours before I have to wake up.
There are a surprisingly large number of little things that remind me of him. He certainly won't be forgotten. Not by me.
You have joined the great pizza in the sky.
Thank you Dragoneer for taking the time to try and coach a neurotic little nobody lurking on the internet.
We'd "met" in a shared chat group on Telegram, and were likely aware of each other's existence for a few years already. I approached him about a commission which he accepted, but due to a serious lack of confidence in his own artistic skill, he felt he would be unable to complete it and gave me a refund shortly thereafter. He seemed to be going through quite a lot at the time, so I mostly kept my distance, give some space. He had already bought back FA and I'm sure he had way more stuff on his plate than what could remotely be considered reasonable. It wasn't until this past year around my birthday in September when we really started talking. This was about the time when he had seriously injured his hand.
As most new relationships start, we just chatted about a few little things that would come up. Mostly I would initiate. I figured he was still a really busy guy. At first it was the occasional check in, see if he was feeling better, until it was a now and then "hey, what's up" kind of small talk check-in chatter. He didn't always answer, but as a person who consistently has no fewer than 50 unread text messages on my phone on any given day, I can understand the social burden.
We started sharing things back and forth, mostly eevee and eeveelution pictures. Eevee's my favorite pokemon too, after all. Eventually we got into in depth conversations about things like MMOs, and the allure of certain fetishes. Nothing particularly thought provoking, but still serious, intentional discussion. It was about then when I asked if he was willing to accept the previous commission again as he was starting to feel better and more confident about his own art again. He was hesitant about the scale (ref sheet), and so I asked if he could just do his interpretation of my character, heavy artistic license, and no pressure. Get to it when he could get to it. He accepted.
I remember that at some point he lamented being unable to do a proper job because his art was so bad. I got the feeling he was comparing himself to some of the more realism style artists. I told him that his art was great, and if i didn't think that his style was also great, then I wouldn't have asked him if he could draw for me. I remember he seemed to calm down afterwards because after that we bandied around a few ideas about what to do with the commission. Hyper? Eevee version? Hybrid version? Et cetera. I'm sure he was trying to get a better idea of what I would like. I got the feeling that he had gotten a decent concept in his head so I told him that I would look forward to whatever he had in mind as long as he took the time to just enjoy the process of arting. To have fun with it.
We continued to talk here and there, sharing more things back and forth. Nothing ever really personal or in depth, but still relatively consistent, considering my terrible work and sleep schedule. Nevertheless, when I would find something I thought he would like, I would still share. Again, he didn't often answer, but by then he had already expressed that he hadn't been feeling well for some time. Yet whenever he would find the time to answer, he was open, pleasant, and earnest and had surprisingly keen feel for my types of humor for what little that we really knew each other. He even started sharing a thing or two first usually with a "I think you'd like this" type of message. I got him a set of YCH stickers that he was obviously excited about. We were by no means close, but it seemed as if we had started laying the foundation of what could potentially be an actual friendship.
Once his illness had really established, and more so in these final stretches, there was, naturally, even less energy for him to respond to what I am sure was a constant barrage of messages. I finally decided that for the first time ever, I would actually donate to a "Unitedstatesean healthcare failure" fund. His. I sent him a gift on PayPal. I doubt he even got a chance to read the notification.
The last interaction I had with him was in that shared chat group, and it was him encouraging me to face my anxieties about using digital tools. He was gone half a day later while I was at work.
I got a notification that Felis had cancelled her stream without ceremony or context, which I found extremely odd. I would be lying if I said that it didn't make me worry a little bit. But I didn't have time then. When I got home, the news had just been announced.
My last message directly to him was "*pats, tucks you in, feeds you broth, makes you tea*" on Telegram on after he expressed on social media how awful he was feeling. It remains unread, and it now feels so... inane.
I'm much more affected by his passing than I expected. When I heard the news, it was initially more of a shock. A "Goddamn, what the fuck?" moment. But after a couple hours, I was in tears, confused and upset. We weren't THAT close. Why was I crying? I was completely useless at work the following day and didn't really get past it until I added him to a little informal shrine I have at work with the prayer card of a long-time, in-person, friend-of-a-friend acquaintance who had passed a year ago. Who, incidentally, I was ALSO getting to know better and was starting on the path to close friendship. And as much as I would like to believe that I have acclimated to Neer's passing, I still have not been able to get to sleep until only a few hours before I have to wake up.
There are a surprisingly large number of little things that remind me of him. He certainly won't be forgotten. Not by me.
You have joined the great pizza in the sky.
Thank you Dragoneer for taking the time to try and coach a neurotic little nobody lurking on the internet.
It's just so unexpected and unfair. Like, preventable and.. he didn't have to suffer like this.
We all need some time to heal up I think.
Treat people like people. He had his own likes and desires just like everyone else. Sure people in elevated positions feel unreachable, but ultimately that's more an illusion of our own creation through parasocial relationships and the celebrity effect. They are necessarily distant because there just aren't enough hours in the day; you can't talk to everyone. And it doesn't matter how extroverted you are, everyone has a social battery. But I think he did try his best to talk to everyone.
It still feels weird and wrong to share things I think he would have liked. And I still can't quite believe he's gone. But the intensity of these feelings shall ease and pass. It may pass like a kidney stone, but it shall pass. What stings is that I had a similar loss a year ago. Someone I was starting to connect with and get to know better. Another good guy. He died suddenly also.
I am trying to focus on the fact that I didn't let this opportunity to talk to someone I wanted to know better pass by. I hesitated too much with my last friend. The flip side is.... it hurts a lot more this time.