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About My Hiatus
Posted 4 years agoI just wanted to let you guys know what happened to me over the last several years since my last submission before starting my "Arakas and the Chaos Wizard" comic.
Part of this is going to get pretty personal and isn't meant to insult anyone as this was my journey.
In short, I hit an all-time low.
I felt blocked from drawing art of any kind, frustrated that I was blocked, and convinced that anything I tried to create was complete and utter trash. I tore down a lot of my old work as I felt inferior and useless at the time.
In the 5 years since, I've undergone several life altering decisions and revelations which put me in a much better mental place and I finally feel ready to move on.
First of all, I left my religion entirely.
Being constantly told to act one way by people who never followed through with what they preached was disheartening. On top of that, being praised by members of the church for my community involvement when I knew that the moment they found out I was gay, all those praises for my music and such would turn into venom and being shunned. I felt trapped and since I've left, I've been struggling with 26 years of being told I'll never be good enough and that even thinking about being with another guy, or loving one, or even admitting to myself that I was gay was so wrong that I'd burn forever because of it. It's been a slow process and my mate has been helping me out a lot more than I give him credit for.
Speaking of which, I have been with my current boyfriend and mate, Chase, for almost 4 years now. Most of the time I really feel like I just don't deserve him. Even if he is a royal pest, he's been too good for me.
You might find him as "TheSlateGuardian" on here. I've been helping him with World Building for his "Markus and Daxus Frost" comic and he's recently been tech support for my own comic.
At some point over the last 4 years, I learned that I have Aphantasia. I don't have a mind's eye in which to "see" images with. I close my eyes and see only black. I can't augment my reality in any way. I look at something and all I see is the thing before me.
I can still come up with concepts and ideas for how stories might work and for interactions between characters ... but when Chase starts describing a random town or character to me, I have to remind him that I can't actually picture what he wants me to.
It was part of the reason I was so frustrated in my drawing skills. The only thing I was good at was copying things someone else had drawn, or translating something from one medium into another. I felt like a failure not being able to create anything original for myself.
When it comes to my current project, I am using the HeroForge website to help with the design and the poses of which I trace later. Obviously, I'll need to stitch some things together later, but for now, it's a start and it's helping me overcome my block.
I finally moved out from under my parent's roof and in with Chase.
The past two years have been a very slow process of reversing the damage my parents did to me.
I know my parents meant well, and I didn't have an awful childhood or anything, but I was always so terrified of letting myself be who I was. To the point where I didn't even know who that person was myself.
I don't swear because the one time I brought home a bad word from school without knowing what it was, I got soap in my mouth.
I was punished and guilt-tripped if I did anything that wasn't deemed healthy catholic.
Although my parents knew I was gay, it was never a subject I was allowed to talk about under their roof. I never felt like I was allowed to share the furry side of myself.
Sex was a taboo subject to the point where my mother walked into my bedroom and because I was on FA admiring the pencil crayon workmanship of a threesome, she had my dad remove my door for a month. I was 26 at the time.
I never felt I was safe enough to express myself through my art or my fantasies; not even here on FA because there was always the chance I might get caught. I never tried drawing porn as I was so afraid they would find it and punish me. They used to brag so much about how their perfect son never got into any trouble and how they didn't have to worry about him ...
Despite all the bad going on with this pandemic, and already losing an uncle to it, it has allowed me the year and a half now to really start getting out from under my parent's thumb.
I'm starting to finally feel free.
This is why my comic WILL be a porn comic eventually. I'll be including my own personal fetishes into it. Things I never even let myself admit that I was into because a lot of people tried to convince me that liking that kind of thing was wrong.
So, yes. I WILL draw a multi-armed dragon having sex with a smaller human.
Multi-limbed. Reasonable size difference. Anthro on Human. Dragon on Human. Ear Licking. Partial Transformation.
All things I am very much turned on by and no longer intend to be ashamed of for liking.
If you made it this far, thank you for putting up with me. It was something I just needed to get out and I feel much much better that I no longer need to bottle it up 24/7.
Part of this is going to get pretty personal and isn't meant to insult anyone as this was my journey.
In short, I hit an all-time low.
I felt blocked from drawing art of any kind, frustrated that I was blocked, and convinced that anything I tried to create was complete and utter trash. I tore down a lot of my old work as I felt inferior and useless at the time.
In the 5 years since, I've undergone several life altering decisions and revelations which put me in a much better mental place and I finally feel ready to move on.
First of all, I left my religion entirely.
Being constantly told to act one way by people who never followed through with what they preached was disheartening. On top of that, being praised by members of the church for my community involvement when I knew that the moment they found out I was gay, all those praises for my music and such would turn into venom and being shunned. I felt trapped and since I've left, I've been struggling with 26 years of being told I'll never be good enough and that even thinking about being with another guy, or loving one, or even admitting to myself that I was gay was so wrong that I'd burn forever because of it. It's been a slow process and my mate has been helping me out a lot more than I give him credit for.
Speaking of which, I have been with my current boyfriend and mate, Chase, for almost 4 years now. Most of the time I really feel like I just don't deserve him. Even if he is a royal pest, he's been too good for me.
You might find him as "TheSlateGuardian" on here. I've been helping him with World Building for his "Markus and Daxus Frost" comic and he's recently been tech support for my own comic.
At some point over the last 4 years, I learned that I have Aphantasia. I don't have a mind's eye in which to "see" images with. I close my eyes and see only black. I can't augment my reality in any way. I look at something and all I see is the thing before me.
I can still come up with concepts and ideas for how stories might work and for interactions between characters ... but when Chase starts describing a random town or character to me, I have to remind him that I can't actually picture what he wants me to.
It was part of the reason I was so frustrated in my drawing skills. The only thing I was good at was copying things someone else had drawn, or translating something from one medium into another. I felt like a failure not being able to create anything original for myself.
When it comes to my current project, I am using the HeroForge website to help with the design and the poses of which I trace later. Obviously, I'll need to stitch some things together later, but for now, it's a start and it's helping me overcome my block.
I finally moved out from under my parent's roof and in with Chase.
The past two years have been a very slow process of reversing the damage my parents did to me.
I know my parents meant well, and I didn't have an awful childhood or anything, but I was always so terrified of letting myself be who I was. To the point where I didn't even know who that person was myself.
I don't swear because the one time I brought home a bad word from school without knowing what it was, I got soap in my mouth.
I was punished and guilt-tripped if I did anything that wasn't deemed healthy catholic.
Although my parents knew I was gay, it was never a subject I was allowed to talk about under their roof. I never felt like I was allowed to share the furry side of myself.
Sex was a taboo subject to the point where my mother walked into my bedroom and because I was on FA admiring the pencil crayon workmanship of a threesome, she had my dad remove my door for a month. I was 26 at the time.
I never felt I was safe enough to express myself through my art or my fantasies; not even here on FA because there was always the chance I might get caught. I never tried drawing porn as I was so afraid they would find it and punish me. They used to brag so much about how their perfect son never got into any trouble and how they didn't have to worry about him ...
Despite all the bad going on with this pandemic, and already losing an uncle to it, it has allowed me the year and a half now to really start getting out from under my parent's thumb.
I'm starting to finally feel free.
This is why my comic WILL be a porn comic eventually. I'll be including my own personal fetishes into it. Things I never even let myself admit that I was into because a lot of people tried to convince me that liking that kind of thing was wrong.
So, yes. I WILL draw a multi-armed dragon having sex with a smaller human.
Multi-limbed. Reasonable size difference. Anthro on Human. Dragon on Human. Ear Licking. Partial Transformation.
All things I am very much turned on by and no longer intend to be ashamed of for liking.
If you made it this far, thank you for putting up with me. It was something I just needed to get out and I feel much much better that I no longer need to bottle it up 24/7.
