I can't sleep so of course my brain is running full speed, full of thoughts that are finally starting to make sense. I'm lost, confused, very hurt and broken but starting to finally heal and learn to be a human being again but there are still so many things that I need before I can live at peace again (or maybe for the first time, I can't remember a time I was ever at peace). Through a series of fortunate and not so fortunate events, I'm finally beginning to get my needs met and life is becoming clearer. I love and trust ravers and furries and especially kinky rave furries, we all seem to be cut from the same colorful scrap of fur and it's nice to feel so at home around a group of people but i really wish I had more that lived closer to me. I need to be cuddled and loved and scratched and bitten in a completely loving, silly, fun, colorful, adorable and non-sexual sort of way with respect for boundaries but without rules and protocols and expectations. I am tired of being used and hurt and beaten and left. I am tired of being a piece of meat. I am tired of being lied to and tricked and fooled. I want hugs and cute kisses on my forehead and to be told how beautiful and amazing I am and to be held and taken care of. I want to be a pet and curl up in someone's lap and be stroked and giggle about my gooey candy guts and my brain that's made of cotton candy fluff and a lemon head rattling around. I want to be reminded about the limey goo flowing through my brains and my cute candy minions on glowy puppet strings. i want to drink ice water out of a dish and be given sushi and fresh fruit as treats. I want to dance the night away and rest curled up with my canine puppy and another cute, sweet furry in a cool place under warm snuggly covers. I want to play dress up and wear pretty corsets and latex and fur and pin-up dresses and gas masks and pretty zentai suits and have candy colored hair and glowy dreads and smell like cotton candy and taste like lime candy and look like tranny circus vomit. I want to hike in the mountains and play in the ocean and snowboard and rock climb and go to Yosemite and Big Sur and Catalina and Torres Del Paine in Chile and explore the world and have my Panther Pink and flat black 1970 Super Bee and live in a cave behind a waterfall living off of hydroelectric power and bake pies and craft and travel the world helping communities live in equilibrium with nature's greatest resource, fresh water so that everyone can have fresh, clean, free water. i want to do GIS and geology and be the world expert on tropical watershed restoration. i want to sleep 8 hours a night and eat ahi and mangoes and cucumbers and asparagus and lychee and pluck my food fresh from the trees and the sea. I want to drink home-made teas and make plant medicines and garden and smell nice flowers. I want a home where I feel safe both physically and psychologically. I want to be able to care for those I love and guide others to inner peace and happiness and love. i want to smile at the beauty of double rainbows and sunsets and lush greenery. i want to get muddy and dirty and work hard and collect seashells. i want to forget tears of sadness and live in tears of joy. i want to give out massive amounts of love and be loved in return. i want guidance and structure and to be held and protected from the evil in the world, i have already experienced more than my fair share of it and i'm scared and tired. i want rest, i deserve it. i want help, i deserve it. i want happiness, i deserve it. i want love, i deserve it. for once in my life, i know what i want and it feels great. i want to thank E/everyone who has gotten me this far, hopefully Y/you know W/who Y/you are because Y/you really are amazing!! <3 <3 <3