First night in my new apartment. The loneliness set in hard and I cried for the first time in a while. I know it's not supposed to be easy but I also am taken aback at just how hard it is.
For those that don't know, I was in a relationship for 10 years, and I had to escape it. It wasn't healthy for me and I made the (very) difficult call to abandon ship.
Part of me feels like a dirty quitter.
The more rational part points out how long I tried, how many ways I spelled it out, and all the great lengths I went to -trying- to make it work. In the end, I ended up bitter around him, and that's not fair for him, or for me.
So I've moved out. I've got a place, alone, and finances will be a struggle for a while.
And even tough I -know- it's the right move, I can't escape the regret, the loss, the feeling of something missing, and yah I get it, it's "only natural", but dammit does it just tear me up inside.
I miss him. I don't hate him. We're amicable. I left him in a better spot than I found him, and yet I still feel like the villain in my own life story sometimes.
Single again. Looking. Again. 35 this year. So many seem to have it figured out... I know, I know "don't compare yourself to others", but that's just what we do, can't blame me for it.
The hardest part is knowing that there's no easy solution. I just need to wait and "be myself" and hope that I cross paths with the right one.
At least this time I know myself better. I know what questions to ask and I can see more red flags from further off. Doesn't make the despair any less real.
Thanks for reading. Please DM me on whatever platform you desire. I'm wanting to get reconnected and re-invest in this community.