# [Warning: depressing article] Helping the evil



## Stray Cat Terry (Nov 16, 2021)

Sorry, this is gonna look like a vent. If this doesn't belong in FAF, lock and/or delete this at your decision, devs and admin.
ㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡ

Throughout your lifetime, you may meet various people. And a part of them has to be some friends turning suicidal and be desperately in need.
Of course, as a usual person, I always try to help them, despite it costs me much. Because, friends ain't just anybody.
However, all of who I met as such types were actors/actresses, scammers, diggers..Predators.

I just learned the same lesson this week, once again.

I myself never fully trust anybody unless I've been around long enough to know who they are, yet those friends I'm talking about have all passed this stage, and I thought I could trust them.
Then one day, they knock at my doors and tell me they're exhausted, stressed, and are losing determination to live on. They tell me they're planning on suicides.
This happens whether I could observe them gradually turning dark in emotions and energies or not.

Then, what I usually do:


Spoiler



First step, calm their emotions. Watch out never to criticize or blame them even if they were giving the major cause to the outcome.
Listen to what they say. They might be doing right or wrong, but before that, I have to hear the whole story enough to think in their shoes, and sympathize with them.
Guide them to every single optimistic sides they've got which they're failing to comprehend, and make it 'a fair game'. Let the bright side withstand their dark side, to remind them it's better than they think now.
Encourage them to fill them up with hope and determination to keep up. If I have worse past miseries, tell them they've got supremacy over me to further boost their hope.

If it still won't help them, plan my times in the near future to spend with them, to remind them directly that they're still with someone around thus informing them the need to cheer up.



Well, doing so oughta help out the problem, and yes they've all recovered.

The important part now, is that they simply ignore or even trash me afterwards, and take whatever they can thanks to my help letting them advance around my zones.
I always get shaded away by them from my mutual relationships becuase they try like there's no other life; I tend to lose my opportunity to get what I could because either A) I couldn't let them be alone when I had to focus on something for my own sake, or B) they happen to be superior than I do on certain field and that field is where I brung them to in order to let them feel they're not alone, then I lose my spot.

Like... Okay, preventing someone who's gonna suicide is an encouraged cultural common, and the more importance there if that's my friend who was there together in my past with memories...

But hell, it truns out that I'm always being the only one there who cares about past friendship and memories. They're invited to a richer habitat without much effort themselves but mine, and just take off like I was just a random classmate in the high schools. If worse, they overtake my hard-earnt spot for their own good.

And.. Recently it happened again.
(I'll keep it as simple as possible in order not to be traced by this friend now, because they've grown strong enough to threaten me if they want to. Things are like 90% true to the reality.)

_Moved on to following post because of characters limitation_


In case you'd be skipping the long essay:
I helped another friend in need from suicidal thoughts, and now I got effectively consumed by them and now I'm totally screwed up.

Okay... Helping people who's about to suicide is a great thing.. But this essay is only about the 3rd time I've been screwed up by someone who seemes to be in need, which means, I'm about to lose faith even on those who I may help.

Should I keep being so 'kind' to help out someone who'd truly be in need one day in the unforeseen future in my life? Or should I just quit caring about those potentially needing friends and care about myself?


*A friend in need is a friend indeed.*
But if only one side is the friend indeed, isn't the one simply being a moron?
I feel like a moron to make this kind of stuff happening 3 times in my life by now.



Big thanks to you who spent your time and effort to reach this sentence.

Thank you.

P.s. Some people do call me I'm writing a literature whenever I open up one of my deepest sedimentary secrets even I myself won't wanna show. But hey, it's up to you. What can I say.. I'm not spending my precious time just for some fictions.


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## Stray Cat Terry (Nov 16, 2021)

Spoiler



Disclaimer: You'll never get clues on who those people I mentioned below are, because those pronouns are not correlated to real people and users in any way.

This friend--let's call them, W--had our first impressions about 8 years ago. Our initial interactions along some group of pals lasted about 3 years until we got busy in real life and our interactions became less and less frequent.
I knew W, W knew me. We knew what kind of people each other were, and we had trust between each other just like any good pals would.

W's past impressions as I recall:


Spoiler



W was innocent, yet a bright person when they can, and lightened up the atmosphere of conversations and events, a mood maker. One thing to note that W was timid despite that, but it wasn't a concern as our group of pals were welcoming and trying to give attentions as equally as things can get.



Time have passed, 4 years. We're then no longer teens, and were busy with colleges and stuffs..
The long pause of our contact made both of us unfamiliar, that's natural as W was timid. Me? I still kept interacting as much as my little spare times allowed, with other pals which were mostly from the initial group of pals.

At the moment, I could only hear from W via those mutual friends, seemed W had establied their own zone with those I don't know. Not a problem by me, as people tend to hang around with those who are more fitting together.
And as I was busy on my own stuff, I stopped caring about the old pal W.

A year later, W came after me, with some usual attempts like many others would do when it's been so long. I welcomed them, and we began contacting more frequently since then, no problems.

Here begins the turning point--words from W were becoming more and more serious as our interactions happened more frequently. Just some common work and life aim stuffs, though.
But as the words from W became even more serious, at one point, W was obviously depressed by something and suddenly turned dark--it has reached the point I could no longer unfeel the energy through their speech.

Tell me, what happened? W then unfolds what happened in the recent times(1 year which I didn't focus on W), there were serious dramas with their pals I don't know.
(The specifics are sensitive so I'll skip that, but I guarantee anyone who hears this would say that it would definitely ruin a person's mind)

W was planning suicides before they opened it up to me, and it was in a pinch at the moment I got informed of that.
Besides, W turns out to be struggling with their lack of socializing skills and other abilities to compete in careers. It was a very desperate situation, having lost W's will on their life--Or, so they told me.

I immediately allowed W to make an appointment with me, and I was totally fine to spend my well-earned free time for them. It seemed that it helped to calm them down: We went to parks, cafe, arcades, diners, and I even payed their hotel room to sleep. Besides, I did all I could do to listen and encourage W to live on at the meeting.

Later, W was obviously attached to me, asking what I'm doing at the moment, who I'm with, what I'm planning to do in the following weekends.... I was glad W became energetic, or it's just me mistaking them.
I've got my life, I've got my jobs, and I've got to spend my so little free time for my own sake. Yet, W attempted as many times a human being can afford to, and earned a couple of additional seats where I had personal meetings with some 3rd party people. (Of course I made sure the opponents are fine with that as well)

So far, stuffs were manageable but I couldn't let W 'invade' my life this way for any longer. I had to make them focus on their own stuff.

There's a group I participated for about 15 months before I let this friend to join in, and I did some pre-stage jobs as a favor from an 8-years-old-friendship. W adapted better than I expected, this group were full of open-minded, welcoming people. Guess now I could have my life. This happened about 3 months ago.

Returning back to present... (Just happened, slightly past a day)
W somehow began unleashing their hidden skills that's never been told. It turns out W is very capable of socializing with people, has better art skills than I do, knows how to get attention and even 'steal' attentions of others, including me.

One sentence:
W has successfully overshadowed my presence in that group.

I no longer get that decent attention as I used to get, I no longer am able to converse freely and lead the flow as W keeps intercepting, and I'm getting less and less chance to even speak anything as W leads every flow to their interests but mine.
(Reminder: I do have less stuff in common when it comes to interests. Perhaps I'm the one at fault here?)

Now I've almost lost my prescence, and it's still in progress... Perhaps it's my time to move onto elsewhere?

While that's that, I'm certain W had sensed me having multiple other zones to have fun, because they keep asking me to invite them if I have any--they say they just wanna have time with me.

Nope, never does it sound so. To me, it sounds more like "I'm gonna prey on everything that's left on you because you are a benevolent and pathetic giver." Now I've stopped sharing most of the stuff I used to share with W, and it's not like such decision of mine would change anytime soon.

Bonus:
There's a friend--let's call them, S--who'd also been knowing one another(of me, W and S). And S was also there in the group W participated in since like 1~2 years ago.

S knows basically everything as they also heard the perspective of the others who was there with W's drama(which made W come after me with suicidal stuff). And it turns out, W digged their own grave there.

Now that makes me very upset as the suicidal depression and exhaustion stuff were not legit at the first place, yet I trusted W to help and then only to end up getting everything I did by myself for more than a year, ruined?



And again, big thankies from me!


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## TyraWadman (Nov 17, 2021)

I know you couldn't give all of the details, and the translation is hard to follow. Sorry if I've missed/misinterpreted things!

*To answer your Poll, I believe you need to find the right balance. *You don't have to commit to one or the other.  If I'm understanding right, I think you need to learn how to avoid making someone else's problems your own. You can still offer the basic courtesy/help when they come to you, without going overboard. You can point them out to therapists, you can ping their friends, etc etc. It doesn't have to be just_ your_ responsibility.

If I'm understanding the timeline right, you offered someone help in their time of need, and now you feel screwed over/betrayed because they happen to be more successful than you? I only say this because *here you say: *


Stray Cat Terry said:


> The important part now, is that *they simply ignore* or even trash me afterwards, and take whatever they can thanks to my help letting them advance around my zones.


*And then you say: *


Stray Cat Terry said:


> While that's that, I'm certain W had sensed me having multiple other zones to have fun, because* they keep asking me to invite them if I have any--they say they just wanna have time with me.*



I don't know what drama happened and I understand it's probably best to keep that private. It's possible S might not be a trustworthy source. Maybe W is plagiarizing and it's a matter of time before they get caught. It's possible that W is a leech trying to exploit you for all of your resources... but ultimately, it's your choice whether or not you want to keep helping someone.

If they truly are as successful as you say, then you could easily tell them 'you don't need my help anymore' and disappear into the wind.
Maybe you just need to work on being assertive. Maybe W doesn't realize just how everything looks from your side. Maybe no one has been bold enough to point out his mistakes and just hasn't noticed.

If W truly is using you, I hope you learn to recognize these red flags. Because as I mentioned above, you can still help someone without letting it ruin your life. There's a reason why therapists don't become friends with their own clients! You're there to help build them up and give them the tools they need to make their own success, not hold their hand and wipe their butts!

But again- grain of salt and all that, since it's possible I might have misread some things!


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## Stray Cat Terry (Nov 23, 2021)

Thanks for the analysis, I need to make things clear and that would make it.. well, clear!

I tried not to be biased but of course since I'm also a being of emotions like any others would, I admit that I must have possibly explained things in a biased way.

Multiple viewpoints lies upon about this affair, as it involves multiple different people with their respective, diverse point of view.

I could have been stubborn on what I should have been less stubborn on; I could have been too defenseless on what I should have been secure with; I could have been careless on my own borderlines on where I should have been strict with.

Regarding every single individuals being true to their characters, it would only be me alone at fault here. If not, then it gets more tricky to summarize...

And say, if it's really my fault only being there, that's another reason that I had to call quits from what I've been working on till then. Could be the time to realign my principles and stuffs, and all that I've been building up till then would most likely be rendered pointless, if not potentially dangerous.

Anyways, thank you again for taking time here. But as I sense this may cause a Butterfly Effect, I shall keep stuffs in myself. When I decide it's not, then I shall share the specifics.

The situation as of now, it's all been settled to keep myself away from them, and keep any other interactions in a more secure manner. Those who are affiliated with the affair seems to be doing fine and very normal as they've been doing with me. One thing that's changed is that I'm not there anymore.

Perhaps I didn't fit there despite it seemed I did, unless it was merely my own mirage--otherwise at least one of them could have came after me to bring me back. Now I feel better not having to squeze my brain over a group of people I thought I had to care about. UwU


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## Ennui Elemental (Nov 23, 2021)

It's pretty difficult sometimes to "step out of your own head" and view things through a lens that is not tinted at all by your own expectations.  Arguably, it's impossible to not view things through that lens.

That said, if you help someone, help them without expectation of repayment.  If you're putting yourself in a position where you NEED that repayment or returned favor, there are other factors at play that might indicate you're overextending yourself.  It's nice when someone returns a favor, don't get me wrong, but going into this with that expectation can lead to things souring in a hurry.


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## Stray Cat Terry (Nov 23, 2021)

Ennui Elemental said:


> It's pretty difficult sometimes to "step out of your own head" and view things through a lens that is not tinted at all by your own expectations.  Arguably, it's impossible to not view things through that lens.
> 
> That said, if you help someone, help them without expectation of repayment.  If you're putting yourself in a position where you NEED that repayment or returned favor, there are other factors at play that might indicate you're overextending yourself.  It's nice when someone returns a favor, don't get me wrong, but going into this with that expectation can lead to things souring in a hurry.


Thanks for clarifying one of the ultimate principles, I also agree to that and I thought I was taking it into account--unless what made all this happen should be me not acknowledging it.

I suppose I didn't successfully bring my thoughts into execution, and there's another: While I didn't expect returning favors, I also didn't expect the help-ee(aka. 'attacker') would take away my worth in that group.
Simply saying, while I didn't ask for bounties, I also never asked to be robbed.

Time to be more vigilant, but that's hard to apply because the 'attacker' here is my oldest friend (in terms of time spent together, experiences, interactions, friendship-wise bonds and trusts). I always thought I should give more and expect less from whom that have earned trust through time and interactions... Guess I was wrong?


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## Ennui Elemental (Nov 23, 2021)

Stray Cat Terry said:


> Thanks for clarifying one of the ultimate principles, I also agree to that and I thought I was taking it into account--unless what made all this happen should be me not acknowledging it.
> 
> I suppose I didn't successfully bring my thoughts into execution, and there's another: While I didn't expect returning favors, I also didn't expect the help-ee would take away my worth in that group.
> 
> Time to be more vigilant, but that's hard to apply because the 'attacker' here is my oldest friend. I always thought I should give more and expect less from whom that have earned trust through time and interactions... Guess I was wrong?


Unless you're positively overflowing with energy, be selective about who you dedicate your energy to.  It sounds callous but there aren't too many people who are really capable of going to the mat for everyone they meet, and you always, ALWAYS need to prioritize your own well-being first - if you're not on reasonably steady ground it's hard to pull someone else out of quicksand without getting pulled in yourself.  Sometimes we don't realize we made a bad investment until well after the fact, but mistakes happen.  At that point don't waste time chiding yourself or scolding them, just get yourself better and leave them to their own devices for a bit.


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## Stray Cat Terry (Nov 23, 2021)

Ennui Elemental said:


> Unless you're positively overflowing with energy, be selective about who you dedicate your energy to.  It sounds callous but there aren't too many people who are really capable of going to the mat for everyone they meet, and you always, ALWAYS need to prioritize your own well-being first - if you're not on reasonably steady ground it's hard to pull someone else out of quicksand without getting pulled in yourself.  Sometimes we don't realize we made a bad investment until well after the fact, but mistakes happen.  At that point don't waste time chiding yourself or scolding them, just get yourself better and leave them to their own devices for a bit.


I got the exact same word from someone who have been watching things flow while being a neutral 3rd-party. Right, I had to make sure I myself was stable enough to pull someone outta the quicksand... And I didn't.

Can't blame anyone but myself at this point.

At least I didn't lose my life from it, so I shall take this as a valuable lesson and move on UwU


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## Ennui Elemental (Nov 23, 2021)

Stray Cat Terry said:


> I got the exact same word from someone who have been watching things flow while being a neutral 3rd-party. Right, I had to make sure I myself was stable enough to pull someone outta the quicksand... And I didn't.
> 
> Can't blame anyone but myself at this point.
> 
> At least I didn't lose my life from it, so I should take this as a valuable lesson UwU


Basically.  Know yourself, know your limits, know what you're capable of giving without hurting yourself and (optionally, we ain't Nostradamus or anything like that) try to have a good idea of what's going to happen when you give of yourself to others.  A mistake you walk away from alive and intact is a teachable moment.  Everyone makes mistakes, not everyone learns from them.


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## Stray Cat Terry (Nov 23, 2021)

Ennui Elemental said:


> Basically.  Know yourself, know your limits, know what you're capable of giving without hurting yourself and (optionally, we ain't Nostradamus or anything like that) try to have a good idea of what's going to happen when you give of yourself to others.  A mistake you walk away from alive and intact is a teachable moment.  Everyone makes mistakes, not everyone learns from them.


Indeed... And it's not like I'd have learned this before anything blows up, it was a matter of time as I was already begging for collapsing. 
Better earlier than later!


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## Rimna (Nov 24, 2021)

Once or twice is kind, three or four is blind.

Sure, it's almost always a good idea to help out a friend in need. But if they then fuck you over for no good reason, then you should never lift a finger in their aid.

But anyway, you already know my stance on this Terry. :3
_*Boops*_


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