# The songwriting critque thread.



## KyryK (Mar 12, 2014)

I thought it would be a good idea to create a thread where budding songwriters can post some lyrics and get some feedback on them, so if you're looking for tips and advice on songwriting or just an ego boost post something and i, and hopefully others with more songwriting experence than i have, will tell you what we think and hopefully how you can improve as a songwriter.  I'll kick things off by posting some half finished rubbish i've put into my sona's bio form instead of coming up with a proper backstory. 

EDIT: I can't write songs, scrubbing my shame from the forum. ;-;


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## sniperfreak223 (Mar 13, 2014)

It's not too bad, but it's a little difficult to follow...but I'm a little old fashioned and tend to stick to set rhyme schemes.

okay...here's one I've been working on. Spoiler alert: it's a love song...about the Holocaust.

*â€œZYKLON B (THE ONE FOR ME)â€*


  The police came, and they took me away                                                                                                             
Saying theyâ€™ll give me a new place to stay                                                                                                                                              
Packed into trains, with all of my friends                                                                                                                                     
Sent off to a camp, what waits at the end? 
                                                                                                                              I listen to all the  stories, as the other campers speak
 Of a mistress who awaits me, when I become too weak.
 Deep within the showers, sheâ€™s waiting there for me,                                                                                                       
A woman cloaked in black, her name is Zyklon B.

  Oh how I long to meet you, my lovely Zyklon B 
                                                                                                                   Though Iâ€™ve never met you, you  are the one for me.
 I wait here for your kiss, I long to feel your breath,                                                                                                       
I know that when I meet you, our love will last â€˜til death.
 I know only your kiss will ever set me free,                                                                                                                
Oh how much I love you, my mistress Zyklon B.

  Life in camp is hard, they work me day and night.
 Even foodâ€™s a struggle, I always have to fight.                                                                                                                                                  
But for you my love, Iâ€™ll bear their every stone                                                                                                                          
As long as I have you, I will never be alone.                                                                                                                           
Many of my friends have already gazed upon your face,
 But you deemed them unworthy, and put them in their place. 
                                                                                      For even in your eyes, Iâ€™m the only man for you,
 Deep within your heart, you know our love is true.                                                                                                   
Now all I have left to do is wait, 
                                                                                                                                                                 To be with you, that is my fate.

Oh how I long to meet you, my lovely Zyklon B 
                                                                                                                   Though Iâ€™ve never met you, you  are the one for me. 
                                                                                                  I wait here for your kiss, I long to feel your  breath, 
                                                                                                     I know that when I meet you, our love will  last â€˜til death. 
                                                                                                              I know only your kiss will ever set  me free,                                                                                                               
Oh how much I love you, my mistress Zyklon B.

  Now at last my day has come, I enter into your room,
 Iâ€™m overcome with emotion, although this is my tomb,                                                                                                                   
Eagerly I wait here, where we will finally meet , 
                                                                                                         Overcome by nerves, Iâ€™m shaking in my  seat,                                                                                                                                
Finally a cloud appears, a sign of saving grace,
At long last I have you, I give in to your embrace. 
                                                                                                     With your love within me, I gasp one final  breath,                                                                                                     
Like Romeo and Juliet, we now are  bound by death.

  Oh how I long to meet you, my lovely Zyklon B 
                                                                                                                   Though Iâ€™ve never met you, you  are the one for me. 
                                                                                                  I wait here for your kiss, I long to feel your  breath, 
                                                                                                     I know that when I meet you, our love will  last â€˜til death. 
                                                                                                              I know only your kiss will ever set  me free, 
                                                                                                              Oh how much I love you, my mistress  Zyklon B.

I'll probably be posting more here, but I'm re-vamping a lot of them at this point because I wrote most of my lyrics in a deep depression and they sound kinda suicide-y right now.


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## KyryK (Mar 13, 2014)

That's pretty good man, nicely disurbing. I can see it working as a schizophrenic death/doom song.

This is a short song i just finished writing.

EDIT: Nope.


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## sniperfreak223 (Mar 20, 2014)

seems a little, you know, hippy-dippy to me...but then again, it's not bad.

Wish I could add something here, but I'm in a terrible rut from not being able to play due to stitches in my fingers. I got them out a few days ago, and just dropped my main C# guitar down to B so I could play without risking any injury, so maybe I'll kick this soon.


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## KyryK (Mar 20, 2014)

No worries man, hope your fingers heal quickly.


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## RockerFox (Apr 22, 2014)

here's what I got
Madness

Why yes the slow, simple, silence
Of my madness
Beats louder than the largest bass drum
So I should warn you
It is contagious
 So keep your distance
Or else you will go mad too

Mad? Me?
Thatâ€™s just improbable
For I was freed
Can you please tell me why?
The demons that haunted my being have now
Returned to torment me

Maybe itâ€™s you that
Could be the cause of all my insanity
Not allowing me to get a good nightâ€™s sleep
For I now wake into this prison of
Reality

Why canâ€™t you see?
What youâ€™re doing inside my head
To make me dread
The love of ours that died when you took your life


Can you tell me why youâ€™ve returned?
To haunt me now that I have some peace
I mourned for you and let it be
Why canâ€™t you do the same for me?

Can you help me find
An asylum that can break these binds
That I still hold to the love
That left me prematurely?

I cannot take it anymore
Not one more minute
Forevermore I will be tormented
If I canâ€™t find soft asylum


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## KyryK (Apr 24, 2014)

Now i love the idea behind that song, someone being tormented by the ghost of a dead lover, a desperate attempt to be close to a loved one causing only misery for both parties because they'll never truly be together again. But the first verse has some problems imo, it sets up the idea that the person narrating the story thinks that they are insane but it seems unrelated to the rest of the song:

Why yes the slow, simple, silence
Of my madness
Beats louder than the largest bass drum
So I should warn you
It is contagious
So keep your distance
Or else you will go mad too

The final 4 lines have absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the song, as the song progresses the protaganist is basically begging the ghost of their dead lover to leave them alone but in the first verse it reads like their warning someone away from them, it doesn't gel.

Mad? Me?
Thatâ€™s just improbable
For I was freed
Can you please tell me why?
The demons that haunted my being have now
Returned to torment me

This verse seems a little off as well, the line "for i was freed" well, on it's own it doesn't seem to mean anything, if you changed it to something like "for i was freed from my grief" it would tie in with the narrative much better.

Maybe itâ€™s you that
Could be the cause of all my insanity
Not allowing me to get a good nightâ€™s sleep
For I now wake into this prison of
Reality

I think this verse would be more powerful if it was something along the lines of:

Maybe itâ€™s you that
Could be the cause of all my insanity
My love's fading shadow
cast from beyond the grave

That's it really, hope this is somehow helpful.


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## RockerFox (Apr 24, 2014)

TheKingOfTheCats said:


> That's it really, hope this is somehow helpful.


It was, thanks for the constructive criticism :-D; the song originally derived from just the chorus after the "Slow simple silence of my madness beats louder then the largest bass drum" just popped in my head one morning shuffling about Costco
that and I pictured this song as almost a tango in the key of Fm


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