# My first furry story



## RobbFoxX (Sep 5, 2009)

Removed For Editing

Please read and comment its probably not all that good. I can take criticism,it's what makes or  breaks great artists/writers.


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## panzergulo (Sep 5, 2009)

I did not read your story, but I can give help nonetheless.

First, this: The Critique Thread - Post requests for crits here!

Then, this: Resources for writers; New writers, start here

Especially, this: ATTENTION BEGINNERS: Common errors thread

And this: Learning to write, A newcomer's guide

After exploring the last two, I bet you've found help for your most basic problems. I encourage people helping themselves first, and asking other people to help themselves later. Otherwise; Welcome. Don't expect too much, the incivility of the main forum often bleeds to this sub-forum too. Anyway, keep it up.


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## AshleyAshes (Sep 5, 2009)

Learn what paragraphs are. >_<


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## Rigor Sardonicus (Sep 5, 2009)

This isn't a story, it's a block of words with a line or two of yelling.

Have you ever _read_ a real story? They're very different from this.


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## M. LeRenard (Sep 5, 2009)

It certainly reads like a dream, in that it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.  I hope that was the effect you were aiming for.  Else I'm just dumb and can't figure it out.
If only airports were that lax these days, that a man could walk onto any old plane, and still be there after everyone had left.


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## Internet Police Chief (Sep 5, 2009)

> I can take criticism



First of all, it's incredibly short. _Too_ short.

You need to learn paragraphs and what they are. You didn't use any. This is called a "block story", and it's bad. It makes it harder to read for no reason.

The story doesn't make sense. He sees someone he thinks is his father, so he follows him onto some random plane? You can't get on a plane without a ticket to get on it. After that, the guy doesn't recognize him, so he bursts into the bathroom while the poor guy is washing his hands. Then it flips around and the guy is his son? It's so confusing because there aren't enough details.


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## Surgat (Sep 5, 2009)

Quotes from different people should have their own paragraphs. 

Like this: 


			
				you said:
			
		

> . And then it dawned on me when he said,"Im sorry do I know you ?". An awkward silence began between us as I stared at him with regret, regret ... from the past never there...
> "You dont remember me ?" I mumbled near tears.
> "I've never met you in my life, although you seem familiar." He said.



I'm not sure how having the characters be anthropomorphic animals adds to the story, though I only skimmed most of it. Furthermore, giving them names like "McFurrers" is stupid. It'd be like having a character named "McHuman," or an alien character named "McXenos." 

Overuse of ellipses makes the narrator look scatterbrained.


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## AshleyAshes (Sep 6, 2009)

McFurry, it's a delicious treat of creamy frozen furry mixed with oreo cookie crumbs!


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## M. LeRenard (Sep 6, 2009)

Rigor Sardonicus said:


> This isn't a story, it's a block of words with a line or two of yelling.
> 
> Have you ever _read_ a real story? They're very different from this.


I just wanted to point out: here is a perfect example of how NOT to do a critique.  Note the author's careful attention to maintaining a complete lack of useful information throughout the entire post, as well as using sarcasm to personally insult the author of the work being critiqued.  So what we end up with is something offensive that doesn't in any way help the author improve his piece.  If this were a school assignment, and if the point of the assignment was to write the worst critique imaginable, I would give this an A+.


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## RobbFoxX (Sep 6, 2009)

Baron Von Yiffington said:


> First of all, it's incredibly short. _Too_ short.
> 
> You need to learn paragraphs and what they are. You didn't use any. This is called a "block story", and it's bad. It makes it harder to read for no reason.
> 
> The story doesn't make sense. He sees someone he thinks is his father, so he follows him onto some random plane? You can't get on a plane without a ticket to get on it. After that, the guy doesn't recognize him, so he bursts into the bathroom while the poor guy is washing his hands. Then it flips around and the guy is his son? It's so confusing because there aren't enough details.



Yea I know I was In a rush to actually take the time to put it together instead of just posting it so fast. And I really can write (with paragraphs in it). Im in 10th grade and in most honors classes for christs sake. Have some faith. Thx though


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## Internet Police Chief (Sep 6, 2009)

RobbFoxX said:


> Yea I know I was In a rush to actually take the time to put it together instead of just posting it so fast.



This contradicts itself. If you took the time to put it together instead of posting it fast, then why is it in block form?



> And I really can write (with paragraphs in it)



Then... why don't you?



> Im in 10th grade and in most honors classes for christs sake. Have some faith.



That doesn't change anything. I don't care how many "honors classes" you're in (once you're out of High School you'll realize how pointless they are), it doesn't make the story better. You asked for criticism and I gave it, don't tell me to "have faith".


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## RobbFoxX (Sep 6, 2009)

Again its my _1__ST_ one so it isn't that great . And just because I quoted what you wrote doesn't mean it was geared directly toward you.


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## M. LeRenard (Sep 6, 2009)

Okay, leave it alone, you two.
Robb, did you mean to say that you didn't take any time writing this story?  If that's the case, we all would have preferred you didn't ask for opinions on it yet.  Don't ask us to take time to read something you barely took the time to write, huh?
But if you're not saying that (it's difficult to tell what you meant, actually), then never mind, and all further comments ought to address the work.


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## Rigor Sardonicus (Sep 6, 2009)

M. Le Renard said:


> I just wanted to point out: here is a perfect example of how NOT to do a critique.  Note the author's careful attention to maintaining a complete lack of useful information throughout the entire post, as well as using sarcasm to personally insult the author of the work being critiqued.  So what we end up with is something offensive that doesn't in any way help the author improve his piece.  If this were a school assignment, and if the point of the assignment was to write the worst critique imaginable, I would give this an A+.


Considering that everything grammatical he did with that clusterfuck of words and dots was completely unlike almost every story ever written (with the possible exceptions of _A Million Little Pieces_ and _Johnny Got His Gun_), it's not as bad a critique as you may think.

That said: Woohoo, A+!


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## DonKarnage (Aug 19, 2015)

panzergulo said:


> I did not read your story, but I can give help nonetheless.
> 
> First, this: The Critique Thread - Post requests for crits here!
> 
> ...




Your first link is useless since its close 

The rest I have not check them. But I would like to have critics for my story. I know only one fur who read it and I have not seen him for a good six month. He wanted to help me to fix small stuff on it.


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