# Can I has feedback on this?



## Zophia (Jul 9, 2008)

First: I KNOW there's a sticklyfied thread fgor people wanting critiques - BUT FA is down, so I can't post it there. - -
Second: I have no idea whether this way of writing works, or if readers will get it the same way it felt in my head. So please give me feedbacks!
Third: The story. Which has no title, suggestions are welcome.



'.........ow......'
A feeling struck the being, it's first feeling ever.
It was pain, but as soon as the mind started functioning it decided that it was normal. Being was experiencing this, the only feeling. Then something broke into the feeling and disturbed it. It only hit two small bits of the feeling lump, but the mind focused on this new experience. It was a faint sound, the mind concluded, still thinking without words. Shrieks...
The being's awareness grew. Apparently it resided in a large chunk of substance that was able to feel pain. The pain sank into it from - behind, then flowed into it, up into a bulb where the shrieks entered from both sides, and in other directions too... It faded in the four attachments to the main chunk. A new thing shaped in it's perceptions. All had been black, but now, close to where the shrieks entered, a red lit up. It was just another source of pain, a new kind, but still only pain. The being was intrigued, and when the red started to pulse the pain subsided. What was that? A feeling, not of pain... It was like a rythmical throbbing, deep inside the chunk... Had it been there before, hidden by the pain? Questions began to shape in the consciousness of the being. Why?
The throbbing grew in the consciousness of the being. It was a strong, fast pulse. Somehow the feeling of the pulse spread through the pain, all the way out in the extensions of the chunk, and into the appendages of the extensions as well... Five there was, five little knots of feeling the pulse at the end of each extension. One of them twitched when the being became aware of their existence.
Oh? So... It's possible to - move?
The being tried again. The red near the shrieks parted, an almost black grey replacing it. It tried again. The red closed over the grey. The grey wasn't part of - my body?
The awareness still had no words, but the feeling of being in a substance that wasn't part of itself gave it the concept of having it's own.
My own body. The grey beyond my red is the world. The world causes me pain?
The being asked itself this without shaping the words. Then it asked itself again, and the words started falling into the thoughts.
Why am I?...
Suddenly something happened. A cold spread from somewhere beneath - my head. It sank into my body, the feeling of the foreign cool substance that surrounded me spread inside me. I pushed it back out. A moment later it sank back in, deeper this time. I pushed it back out again. And again it sank back in. Could this not be stopped?
The being had begun to breathe the liquid in which it existed. After the first five breaths it accepted this, as it wasn't a source of pain, but merely a new constant - like the pulse which it no longer payed attention to. It just continued.
The pain in my back was growing fainter... Or had I just stopped realizing it was there, like I had that pounding? I could still feel the throbbing, yes, there it was, but only when I focused... Will I stop being when I stop feeling? Feeling is all there is, how could I possibly stop feeling?
The being clutched it's body - legs pressing against body and arms, arms wrapped around knees and head bent down between them. It had a clear image of it's body now. But there was nothing but it's body and the substance, the fluid it hung in?
The source of the pain? My movement had sent a strong wave of pain through me, it had burned into my back ... What was it? Why was it there?
I grasped the substance. How I found the muscles in my hand and the way to control them - I don't know.
The movement the creature made was registered. The pain in his back intensified as the tube feeding him let go off his flesh. He sank.
'Pain!' A clearly shaped word. The red grew sharper as the pain rocked through my body, and somehow the word wanted to get out... I didn't understand. But being was a constantly changing experience, and I could not affect my surroundings.
As he sank towards the bottom of the thing in which he was, a stream in the liquid started to pull. Pressure soon gripped him all over, his fetaly curled up body being stretched out for the very first time. He shrieked into the fluid without understanding, without knowing. All the liquid in his lungs was pressed out in his scream.
'My entire body... Being pushed from all sides... Please let it stop...'
He gasped air, his first real, deep breath. Then he choked. He lay in a puddle of slimy liquid, his pulse racing... His mind felt numb as the pain slowly subsided. The red in his vision shattered when he blinked.
My - eyes saw grey, lighter than the one earlier... And my eyes wont close!
The world in front of him was a mess of blurry grey shapes and screams that seemed to want to tear his ears off... Why did it sound so much louder now? Why was this strange new surrounding substance so much colder to breathe?
He staggered to his feet without realizing that he did so - his body just moved instinctually. His hair clung to his head, it was sticky and full of the liquid... He didn't notice, though. All his mind perceived was painful sound and blurry grey - for a second red again, then more grey. It was dark. Why was he here?


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## Oddeye (Jul 9, 2008)

Well, since it's written in Notepad, I won't comment on the lack of italics:*
It's just as nice, as when i read it first time, i still want to see somewhat of a sequiel, but that is probably not going to happen, so yeai for clones. 
I wonder why there are no outer descriptions, since half the story is seen from the outside. No description of the - being, how - it looks, and so. I know it's basically all of them, but still, they look almost the same, and, well, I miss the descriptions. Anyway, nice work, i don't know anything about english language and so, so I'll not comment on that.


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## Zophia (Jul 9, 2008)

It's because it's not so much seen from the outside, as from the inside of him, without being described from his view... Really confused me to write like that, but it's difficult starting out with a critter who's unable to think, but who quickly gets senses and thoughts loaded into his mind...


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## Oddeye (Jul 10, 2008)

:*
Me still wants to see a sequal.


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## TÃ¦farÃ³s (Jul 13, 2008)

Ack, Notepad! A torture chamber to the eyes. I'm just assuming that many indents here are meant to be italicized. Even so, take the time to separate your paragraphs--your loyal fanbase will thank you. 

I'm not good with critiques at all, but your descriptions were pretty damn solid.  Perhaps it was the lack of para seperation, but I felt as if this could've been trimmed down some.  I think that you could've gotten the feelings across very quickly and effeciently. But hey, that's what rewrites are for.

EDIT: Also, "ow" doesn't need such long elipsises X3.  In fact, don't think you need that bit of dialog at all.


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