# I'm looking for some helpful criticism



## shakyartist (Jul 7, 2009)

I just want to get some peoples opinions on my story, http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2477353/ keep in mind it is mostly an introduction so it's bound to be kind of short.


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## theLight (Jul 7, 2009)

Edit for personal security.


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## Qoph (Jul 8, 2009)

Needs to be moved to writers bloc / critique section.  And in the way of critique, I'm no writer so I have no advice.


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## Internet Police Chief (Jul 8, 2009)

Not to be rude, but:



> Well if you're reading this, that means you are interested in my story. The story of how me and some friends went out to prove ourselves... on the street.



I stopped reading here. If you need to TELL the reader what your story is about _in the story_, then you aren't telling the story well enough.


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## shakyartist (Jul 8, 2009)

I stopped reading here. If you need to TELL the reader what your story is about _in the story_, then you aren't telling the story well enough.  
Are you familiar with 1st person point of view? My character doesn't know that you know what it's about. It's all prespective.


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## theLight (Jul 8, 2009)

Edit for personal security.


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## shakyartist (Jul 8, 2009)

Sorry, my comp doesn't really like the quote system (freezes it for some reason) but I'll just do this instead =)


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## Internet Police Chief (Jul 8, 2009)

shakyartist said:


> Are you familiar with 1st person point of view? My character doesn't know that you know what it's about. It's all prespective.



Yes, that's exactly my point. If the characters need to come out right and say "hey, this story is about [plot]", then the story telling needs to be cranked up a notch. Readers should be able to tell what the story is about from actually reading it, not being told before the story even begins.


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## shakyartist (Jul 8, 2009)

Well trust me, if you think my story is JUST about what my character says, then you are not going to get the story at all. It's more or less a very small summary, that doesn't include many details, so it's not like it really ruins the story in any way.


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## Internet Police Chief (Jul 8, 2009)

shakyartist said:


> Well trust me, if you think my story is JUST about what my character says, then you are not going to get the story at all. It's more or less a very small summary, that doesn't include many details, so it's not like it really ruins the story in any way.



Whatever, heh. You asked for criticism and I'm giving it. Just saying, if you tell the reader what the story is before even trying to convey it any other way, it just seems lazy.


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## Jashwa (Jul 8, 2009)

shakyartist said:


> Well trust me, if you think my story is JUST about what my character says, then you are not going to get the story at all. It's more or less a very small summary, that doesn't include many details, so it's not like it really ruins the story in any way.


 What Attourney at Lawl is trying to tell you is that it's not a good story if you can't get all the information from the story itself.  You SHOULD be able to find out everything about a story from what's inside.


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## M. LeRenard (Jul 8, 2009)

Feels really choppy and rushed, and kind of thrown together.  There are a lot of 'oh, and by the way' moments, where the narrator just sort of conveniently remembers important details so that the next couple of sentences make sense.  That's more the author talking to us than the characters.  Like you're jumping in there going, "See, I thought this through."  Except it's more like you thought it through while you were writing it, and then never looked back to actually organize the information somehow.
Since it's apparently mostly about fighting, you should try to give us a little more suspense.  Pace things better.  You've got us introduced to all the characters, a major event, background, years of training, and then the beginning of a fight all in about three short paragraphs.  Maybe when you were writing it it felt fine, but to a reader, it's a bit of a whirlwind, which really obliterates any kind of mood you might have wanted to set up.  Take your time and tell the story.  Don't just list facts and expect us to be interested.
Try weaving things together a little better.  Don't describe what kind of hair someone has while he's taking a hit to the face, and don't jump around so much in the narration.  Even if your main character's mind does that a lot, you still want to tell a fluid story.  Put things together that should go together, and leave all the asides out unless they're immediately relevant to the situation that's happening right now.  That will help your pacing, too.
And try giving your characters personalities.  I got zero feeling from any of them.  Don't just use them as punching bags or as convenient plot devices; make them into people.  That requires a lot more thought than I think you've been giving it.

Hopefully you find some of that useful.  I think you've got quite a bit of room for improvement, still, if you don't mind me saying.  But keep practicing and asking for advice.


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