# I finished it, critique anyone?



## Gnarl (Aug 13, 2014)

I finally got this one completed. Critique anyone? 
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/14255423/


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## Conker (Aug 14, 2014)

Not far in, but seriously dude, what's with all the simple sentences and missing commas? You jump from choppy writing to what look like runons because there aren't any commas.


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## Gnarl (Aug 15, 2014)

OH, good grief. I will go back and take a look at it. could be operator error or just plain dumb mistakes. I wrote the story and then tried to edit it to put it in a 
e-form format. But I may have gone too far. my apologies on that, I think I will print it out and see if my wife will help me with some editing. 
but what did you think of the story? Needs more character build up?


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## Conker (Aug 15, 2014)

Gnarl said:


> OH, good grief. I will go back and take a look at it. could be operator error or just plain dumb mistakes. I wrote the story and then tried to edit it to put it in a
> e-form format. But I may have gone too far. my apologies on that, I think I will print it out and see if my wife will help me with some editing.
> but what did you think of the story? Needs more character build up?


I only got about five pages in. Didn't have time to finish it, though I didn't really feel the need to. 

Part of the problem is I have an older version of word, and I don't know if that converted itself well. I feel like some of the paragraph breaks didn't fit, and that was distracting (and most likely not your fault).

I'll try and get to it later this weekend and get to the end.


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## Gnarl (Aug 15, 2014)

It is possible that some it is in the format of this new version of word. I am using word 2013 and it saves it not as a .doc but as a .docx... 
Also I tried to convert it using notepad to a txt and change the format to UTF8 instead of ANSI, it really made a mess of the thing. 
I had to redo all the quote marks and any special characters, then I found that all the commas were gone! Not to mention what it did to the spacing and paragraphing. I tried to re-read it and you might be right about the simple sentences thing! I went too far trying to correct my habit of dependent clauses.
Thanks! Let me know what you think, please. Also the story is meant to distract and entertain and not as some great profound work. I do not understand why some people seem to think that every story must tell some great thing about the human condition, or teach some wonderful moral, can't it just be for fun? I bet you can't tell that I was in the highlands of Scotland, looking at the ruins of an old bridge and watching the mist come down the mountain, when I wrote it?


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## Conker (Aug 15, 2014)

Naw, I get it. Not every story needs to be some crazy piece of Literature. I enjoy a good distraction. I'll check it sometime tomorrow or Sunday for sure.


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## Gnarl (Aug 16, 2014)

Thanks! Hope you enjoy it!


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## SkyeLansing (Aug 16, 2014)

In the future post critique requests in the proper forum please: https://forums.furaffinity.net/forums/81-Writer-s-Critique-Forum


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## Gnarl (Aug 16, 2014)

SkyeLansing said:


> In the future post critique requests in the proper forum please: https://forums.furaffinity.net/forums/81-Writer-s-Critique-Forum


Sorry about that! you are correct of course, I will ask if one of the mods can move it.


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## Conker (Aug 17, 2014)

I'm about halfway through, though I don't particularly like it. This story absolutely reads like a first draft. God the grammatical errors. You're even using the wrong "your" in places. 

There are plotting issues as well though. So he sees these naked girls and decides not to look at them because their naked? He's an American teenager man. That makes no sense. Not to mention he becomes so damn infatuated with them that he's willing to risk his life to cross the river to see them. But nope, he's a gentleman when it comes to boobs. 

And the whole shindig at the bar with all the girls his age was...the stuff of fiction. That read like a bad romcom.

And what's with your overuse of the word "male?" I get using that in furry fiction to avoid "man" and "men" which have strong connotations with humans, but your story is mostly filled with humans. Call them what they are. 

There are too many exclamation points too. Everyone is shouting. 

So they speak some old tongue but have standard names? 

Why introduce a language barrier if you're just going to surpass it with magic three pages later?


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## Gnarl (Aug 17, 2014)

Conker said:


> I'm about halfway through, though I don't particularly like it. This story absolutely reads like a first draft. God the grammatical errors. You're even using the wrong "your" in places.    I see that!
> 
> There are plotting issues as well though. So he sees these naked girls and decides not to look at them because their naked? He's an American teenager man. That makes no sense. Not to mention he becomes so damn infatuated with them that he's willing to risk his life to cross the river to see them. But nope, he's a gentleman when it comes to boobs.  I didn't want it to turn into a yiff story!
> 
> ...


  Written a month apart? You are right of course. 
It was originally intended as a plot device but later was bypassed because I forgot why I put it there.  I think I will take it back to the editing table and flesh a few things out. Someone told me that I was too involved in telling the story and not painting the picture along with that. I think that they were right. I will take this one and re-write a bit of it. 
Without the yelling.


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