# Thurough Story Critique needed- Story not posted publicly



## sanura_mosi (Aug 23, 2009)

_Mods can feel free to move this or let me know where to post if this is in the wrong place.
_
*First*- this story isn't completed yet, i need someone willing to read it over with new eyes and give me a thurough critique of everything i've written so far.

*Second*- this story isn't posted online. I hope to try the publishing route with this, so i won't be posting this online. I can email it to the critiquer in .doc format or even .pdf. I need someone who can keep a secret and won't be posting this story anywhere else or sharing it with other people.

That said, here's a little description:

Setting- "Medieval" times, relatively so. The setting is meant to be in the villages of that time, with my own adjustments to the setting. Mainly the setting type refers to technology level and some cultural details. A large part of the setting is an orphanage run by the Brothers of the setting's religion, a widespread nature religion (this was chosen to compliment the Anthros in the storyline much better as well as the early time setting and the relative remoteness of the village within a well forested area)
The story is meant to personify the song "music of the night" from phantom of the opera. (link to version i'm refering too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHAauiJwwmU )
Ultimately it might turn out to be an adult story (I'm feeling otu the story as i go and i haven't decided what it warrents yet), but is not adult yet. 

The main characters include a cape fox you follow from a child in an orphanage to a singing teacher, and a male gypsy (gypsies in this setting are racially mongooses, but similar in culture to the gypsies of our past). The story is set around singing and the encounters between the two main characters and how they affect each other's lives. The story is much more complicated than this, but i think I've gotten a bit of the essence. 

The story is now 22 pages long, and no where near the middle of the plot. I desire as detailed of a critique as possible on my plot, characters, the ability of the story to draw you in, the texture and fullness of the story itself, and much more. I've been reading a lot of Stephen King's Dark Tower series and I'm trying to take a few lessons from his way of writing a story with so much subtle texture and flavor- and a deep ability to draw you into the storyline. I don't desire to eloquently ramble on tangents as he sometimes does, so if i ramble in the story, please do point it out.
Alternately, I find I rush my stories and plots as i get into the passion of the moment, I would like critiquing on the pacing and how its coming along as it is.​
XD As you can see I think i need a professional editor, but I'll take as close as i can get! If anyone is up to the challenge, PLEASE post here.

If anyone has someone or someplace to point me to where I am very apt to get this feedback and critiquing, I'm very open to it as well.

Thanks alot!


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## M. LeRenard (Aug 24, 2009)

You can try posting this in this thread.  You will probably get a better response.
I'm also curious why you think you need a critique before it's finished.  If this is still a rough draft, you should probably whip out the rest, go over a couple times yourself, then ask for critique.  You never know when you might make large-scale changes, so it's usually safer to ask for critique after something is basically complete, so that you don't end up wasting the critiquer's time.
Unless you're editing as you write?


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## sanura_mosi (Aug 24, 2009)

M. Le Renard said:


> You can try posting this in this thread.  You will probably get a better response.
> I'm also curious why you think you need a critique before it's finished.  If this is still a rough draft, you should probably whip out the rest, go over a couple times yourself, then ask for critique.  You never know when you might make large-scale changes, so it's usually safer to ask for critique after something is basically complete, so that you don't end up wasting the critiquer's time.
> Unless you're editing as you write?



I'd rather not post it there. Its a mass thread, and that's not the audience i'm looking for. Reading the rules and a couple of the posts, i'm not looking for a  casual review, which is what my impression of that thread is. Besides this isn't posted on FA, and I'd rather be able to ask a separate plea, rather than chuck it into a huge pile of them- which are more easily accessible, and hope for the best. But i do appreciate you pointing it out. It was the crux of my problem when figuring out where to post this. :/

I want a critique on my writing and not to story. Its hard to explain since it seems to be what i'm asking for. I want some heavy feedback on my writing abilities (its been a couple years since i've been able to write and post a story) before I go on, so i can feel out whether i'm doing it all wrong and need to go back and overhaul everything, or whether i'm doing it right and I can continue in the same vein. I am sort of editing as i go, i tend to reread what i've written before i continue, and i edit things as i read it with fresh eyes. I realize the reading ideal is to read the whole finished story, but i sort of need a sounding board and critiquer who might be willing to follow me through the journey- or at least this part of it.

Thanks for your reply!


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## M. LeRenard (Aug 24, 2009)

The thread is for any kind of critique, hence why one of the rules is to explain what kind you're looking for.  But I can understand not wanting to throw it in the big pile, where it might get lost.
If you're just looking for writing critique, why don't you send the first five or so pages my way.  I don't think I'd need the whole 22, and plus I don't really have time to be editing that much since I just landed a new job.  But five pages ought to be enough to work out if you have any general problems.  My e-mail address is monsieurlerenard[at]gmail.com.
In the meantime, you could just repost this thread under the Writer's Bloc.  This particular sub-forum is mostly populated by artists, so more writers would notice it there.


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## sanura_mosi (Aug 24, 2009)

M. Le Renard said:


> The thread is for any kind of critique, hence why one of the rules is to explain what kind you're looking for.  But I can understand not wanting to throw it in the big pile, where it might get lost.
> If you're just looking for writing critique, why don't you send the first five or so pages my way.  I don't think I'd need the whole 22, and plus I don't really have time to be editing that much since I just landed a new job.  But five pages ought to be enough to work out if you have any general problems.  My e-mail address is monsieurlerenard[at]gmail.com.
> In the meantime, you could just repost this thread under the Writer's Bloc.  This particular sub-forum is mostly populated by artists, so more writers would notice it there.



Thanks for the offer, but I think I'll hold out for the whole 22. 5 pages won't be nearly enough, considering the different moods and settings in the whole 22- what may apply to the first 5 probably won't help me with the rest. I will try relocating it to the writer's bloc, although i have a feeling i'll be forced to put my request in the critique thread's pile.

thanks!


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