# First Chapter of Accidental Roomates is up!



## Pypedreams (Dec 17, 2017)

Just letting everyone know the first chapter of Accidental Roommates is up on my FA.
I have enjoyed writing it so far as a break from other projects!
If you have the time, please leave me a comment on what you liked about it, what can be changed or whatever.
Reviews make progress!


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## Pypedreams (Dec 23, 2017)

Pypedreams said:


> Just letting everyone know the first chapter of Accidental Roommates is up on my FA.
> I have enjoyed writing it so far as a break from other projects!
> If you have the time, please leave me a comment on what you liked about it, what can be changed or whatever.
> Reviews make progress!



Chapter 2 is up on my FA profile. Things are getting really interesting.


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## AceofHearts (Dec 29, 2017)

I just read chapter 1 and 2! Nice work! If you want, I'll critique your writing on story and syntax! There doesn't seem to be a PM function on FA so it would be a review comment. If you'd like one when you finish writing _Accidental Roomates_. I don't really get over critical but I used to PBPRPG judge on some big forums.


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## Pypedreams (Dec 29, 2017)

AceofHearts said:


> I just read chapter 1 and 2! Nice work! If you want, I'll critique your writing on story and syntax! There doesn't seem to be a PM function on FA so it would be a review comment. If you'd like one when you finish writing _Accidental Roomates_. I don't really get over critical but I used to PBPRPG judge on some big forums.


 
I appreciate any feedback. I am very glad you liked the first two chapters. It will be updated each week with the possibility of an eBook version. Reviews are more than welcome.


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## AceofHearts (Dec 29, 2017)

I noticed you have a thread going strong in writing and prose, you have valuable feedback from another fur affinity member. I'll make sure to make my post there when it's done. In the mean time, I will say it reads rather like a script. You want to absorb the reader into your work by making it as realistic as possible. If it means adding paragraphs, it will suit you well to do so. I mean, when saying that, the more your writing describes the fiction, as if it were reality, the better the reader can visualize. I feel in touch with the emotions of the two main characters but the 0 to 100% style of your character's involvement is offset  by the repetition of the way their tendencies to indulge in their infatuation, between the two of them, play out in words. At least, for this brief, you should take away that to write, is to give, so the audience should have something to take away from the work. Your character's are extremely viable. Their associations, with the world in which they exist, should relate and can blend seamlessly with the world your audience is in. As long as you can step up to the plate and deliver that sense. Their preferences and suitability seem forced because of the redundancies in the way it's described so there's a disconnect between the fiction and the fantasy of the author. I'll save the review on syntax until I have the chance to read _Accidental Roomates, _fully, in its completeness. It's good work, stay at it and keep improving!


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## Pypedreams (Dec 29, 2017)

AceofHearts said:


> I noticed you have a thread going strong in writing and prose, you have valuable feedback from another fur affinity member. I'll make sure to make my post there when it's done. In the mean time, I will say it reads rather like a script. You want to absorb the reader into your work by making it as realistic as possible. If it means adding paragraphs, it will suit you well to do so. I mean, when saying that, the more your writing describes the fiction, as if it were reality, the better the reader can visualize. I feel in touch with the emotions of the two main characters but the 0 to 100% style of your character's involvement is offset  by the repetition of the way their tendencies to indulge in their infatuation, between the two of them, play out in words. At least, for this brief, you should take away that to write, is to give, so the audience should have something to take away from the work. Your character's are extremely viable. Their associations, with the world in which they exist, should relate and can blend seamlessly with the world your audience is in. As long as you can step up to the plate and deliver that sense. Their preferences and suitability seem forced because of the redundancies in the way it's described so there's a disconnect between the fiction and the fantasy of the author. I'll save the review on syntax until I have the chance to read _Accidental Roomates, _fully, in its completeness. It's good work, stay at it and keep improving!



My apologies but I'm confused as to what you mean when you say "Reads like a script". Does that mean that more world building is needed?


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## AceofHearts (Dec 29, 2017)

The way that it's written, it reads like a script. Once your writing makes the reader aware that your plot is focused on one character as opposed to another, your audience already knows that your referencing that character with outside dialogue. When there's out of character context (non-dialogue) that repeatedly directs the reader that it has to do with the same character, it becomes unnecessary and so it's "script like", I'll demonstrate with excerpts of plot line from chapter 2:


			
				Chapter 2 said:
			
		

> Accidental Roomates
> The paper had run Rhy’s ad for almost a week
> ...
> It was Rhys’ day off from work
> ...


All within a paragraph's length. This "script style" rule also applies to pronouns (i.e. he/she). Not all instances of proper nouns or pronouns are script-like. It all depends on the kind of sentence being used to describe a scene and the type of phrase. I don't want to spoil your writing with stress over using correct syntax, however, overuse of noun phrases makes writing script-like.


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## Kina (Jan 2, 2018)

I really enjoyed the first two chapters!! I am looking forward to reading more!!


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