# More of a Prose



## JDstrange (Sep 14, 2008)

So I'm new to the forum and I thought I would post one of my stupid short prose. I think they are better with my voice inflection and all. anyway I really want to get better at writing, but people usually won't tell me anything constructive. I'm hoping somebody might when I post here 

This one is called "Who are you?"  I wrote it a few months ago while I was going through some really tough health issues, was feeling my mortality more than usual, and really loanly. Hope to hear what ya'll think. Thanks


Sometimes at night when I close my eyes I feel something strange boil up inside, a longing for something I've never known. Sometimes I can almost see your face dancing just outside of my vision and I always wonder, Who are you?

When I'm dreaming and I have a nightmare I can almost hear you call my name and know it will be alright. It makes me wonder, Who are you?

Life comes at us all fast and sometimes I just cant take it, when I'm on the edge of my sanity and about to fall over I feel your hand on my shoulder. I always wonder, who are you?

Sometimes when I'm asleep in my cold bed, lonely wondering if life can get much worse. I can feel you beside me, feel you breath, and your heart beat. I ask the night, who are you?

When I'm walking alone at night and feel scared of the encroaching dark. I feel your hand take mine, still I can't see. Who are you?

And when I have cried more tears than I can stand. Sometimes, just sometimes, I can feel your arms wrap around me as I fall asleep.  That's when I really wish you would tell me...

Who are you?


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## M. LeRenard (Sep 14, 2008)

Sounds more like poetry than prose.  In which case, I can't really help you any more than pointing out typos.  Which I could do, if you'd like, but this kind of piece is beyond my scope of knowledge about writing.


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## twilightiger (Sep 17, 2008)

All I can really say is, if you want to know more about writing, ask about something specific. The literary world is so vast, so all encompassing, that simply trying to learn all of it is an all but impossible effort. And it is only made more so if you yourself don't know what it is you want to learn. So pick somewhere to start. Narrative styles, proper use of tenses, or even how to use different descriptions effectively. Build your knowledge base and expand on what it is that you already know by trying new and different things.

As for what you've written. It is better served to call it poetry. Prose carries with it different connotations in meaning and subtext and the structure and rythm of poetry can be altered visually to create different schemes. The difference with prose is that the use of positive and negative space can be used to create a completely different impact; one that can be defined via perspective, and not simply emotion. Also, if you count the number of beats, odd numbers are more pleasing to hear than even ones.

If you're looking to improve what you've written here, then I would suggest learning about techniques like, proper syntax, uses of meter, and the elements of composition. All are incredibly usefull tools for aspiring writers to know. 

Hope it helps. Ciao.


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## JDstrange (Sep 18, 2008)

Thank you Ciao, I guess I never really understood how much went into writing effectively.  

I've never written much other than long dry research papers, lab reports, and things of that like.  I'll look into the things you mentioned and work my way up to writing something I can ask specific questions about. 

Thank you again so much 

And M. Le Renard, I would really like the help with finding typos. I'm no good at editing my own work. Not this kind of work anyway.


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## M. LeRenard (Sep 18, 2008)

Well, most of the problems would be with comma usage, but since it's basically a poem (meaning you can do anything you want with punctuation), that's not something I can really correct for you.  The only other things I spotted were:


> sometimes I just cant take it,


Can't.


> feel you breath


your breath

Just proofread and you should catch things like those, and make sure every period, comma, and whatever has a reason for being misused or misplaced (if it is misplaced).
That's all I can say about this one.


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## TakeWalker (Sep 18, 2008)

> > feel you breath
> 
> 
> your breath


Or possibly you breathe. Both work in the context.


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