# Critique story?



## elidolente (Jan 25, 2009)

Hey all, my first story. I am good at essays in school, decided to write a story, and here it is.

Mind you I am new to writing fiction, so go easy .

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1922189


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## TakeWalker (Jan 25, 2009)

The first thing I'll tell you is that writing fiction and writing essays are two completely different skills.

The second thing I'll tell is you'll hear from me once I clean up my backlog. :B Hopefully you'll get some help before then.


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## elidolente (Jan 25, 2009)

alright, but as for some back story, I have always "roleplayed" in my head, and in games where you can make a character biography, I always filled the space provided to the max, but that still doesn't mean much :/

Anyways, I like your signature


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## M. LeRenard (Jan 25, 2009)

Here I come to save the day.
Actually, I'm just taking a break from calculating electric potentials of various shapes at various points using various coordinate systems.

Anyway, let me start by saying that for a first attempt it's not bad.  But you do make a lot of novice mistakes, so allow me to point those out.
Proofread.  Always proofread.  It's rife with little things that detract from the flow, like misspelled words, incorrect punctuation, etc.
Your descriptive passages are a little bland and generalized.  Example: "After I walked for a bit, I goy [sic] glimpse of the Meadow: What a beautiful site! The air was open and clear, the nearby river was as beautiful as ever, and the sun shone through the clouds overhead and fell onto the center of the clearing."  Read that over and try to picture it, EXACTLY.  You'll find that you can't do it: you don't know what 'beautiful' looks like, and it's hard to tell what 'open and clear' means when you talk about clouds right after.  Be specific: rather than just saying the river is beautiful (which is something, frankly, the reader would rather decide himself), talk about what it actually looks like.  What color is the sky?  Is the sun about to go down (which I guess it is, considering night falls quickly after this passage), and if so, what colors does it make?  Maybe something more along these lines: "After I walked for a bit, I got a glimpse of the meadow, and I thought to myself, 'What a beautiful site!'  Orange bands rose delicately over the tops of the trees in the distance, and sunlight flamed pink on the bottoms of the few clouds that lazily sat overhead.  The river wound snakelike out from the woods, bunching around on itself a few times to avoid small hills, then snuck back into the dark treeline, where it disappeared into the ever lengthening shadows.  As the clouds passed overhead, they blocked the sun at just the right angle to produce a single beam of light, which landed right in the middle of the clearing."
Not the greatest, but you get the idea.
Also, you use the word 'floor' to describe the ground several times.  It sounded weird to me.
Avoid the unnecessary commentary, and leave the reader to deduce things himself.  Example: "As I walked, I keep taking cloths [sic] off, it was just to [sic] hot."  We have no reason to assume that he's taking his clothes off for any reason but that it's hot, especially since you expound on this earlier in the section anyway.  As such, the 'it was just too hot' is redundant.
Don't be afraid to use dialog tags every now and then, just to make it a smidgen easier to keep track of who's talking.

And actually, that's about it, I think.  I hope none of that sounded too harsh or anything.  As I said before, it's actually in fairly good shape.  Just suffers from a lack of experience, really.  So try introducing some of those points I made into the writing, and see if it sounds any better.  And proofread!  
Hopefully this helps you out.


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## elidolente (Jan 25, 2009)

Ouch, that hurt. Oh well, a little pain never killed anyone.

Very good points, exactly the kinds of things I was looking for. I am not the best at descriptions, so that helped.

It actually makes a lot of sense: Don't state its beautiful: State HOW it is :/, oops, I guess thats one of the things that suffers when you write something at 3 in the morning :/ (Proofreading also if less effective at that stage).

Thank you for you time, I am actually revising it now. A few people said some things like, "Its no descriptive enough." I respond,"I am not sure what you mean." "...uh, I dunno, its just not descriptive enough." "...thanks..."

So yes, exactly the kind of input I needed. I can visualize a beautiful landscape and call it "beautiful", because it is really. If you saw the same thing I did, you would think the samee. Problem is, you cant see any of the details cause I am not writing them. 

Yeah, I have seen you around the writers bloc, and whenever you critque someone, you do it well. Thanks for the help.

One problem I see that no one has mentioned is the tenses. I am constantly using past tense terms to descrbe the present, oops. 

Also, any advice on how to NOT use I excessively in present-tense situations?


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## M. LeRenard (Jan 25, 2009)

> One problem I see that no one has mentioned is the tenses. I am constantly using past tense terms to descrbe the present, oops.


I noticed it, but I subconsciously grouped it under 'need to proofread'.  Which, since you noticed it too, means that I was right to do so.


> Also, any advice on how to NOT use I excessively in present-tense situations?


You mean in first person perspective?  Same way as avoiding 'he' or 'she' in third; vary your sentence structure.  Rather than 'I did this, I did that, I did this other thing,' use 'I did this, this happened, the result of which was this.'  If that makes any sense.



> Ouch, that hurt. Oh well, a little pain never killed anyone.


Sorry.  I tend to concentrate a little too hard on the negative aspects of things when I'm critiquing them.  Just know that you kept my interest all the way through, which doesn't often happen when I'm reading something online.  Generally that means you know how to pace things to keep them intriguing.  And that's why, like I said, this piece is pretty good for a first attempt; not everyone can do that.


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## elidolente (Jan 26, 2009)

M. Le Renard said:


> You mean in first person perspective?  Same way as avoiding 'he' or 'she' in third; vary your sentence structure.  Rather than 'I did this, I did that, I did this other thing,' use 'I did this, this happened, the result of which was this.'  If that makes any sense.



Yeah, I really don't know which way to go with this. I am re-writing from the beginning (Tolkien did it, seemed to work for him).
I do know the difference between first-person past tense, first person present tense, and 3rd person. I am going to write the story in all styles, and then see which one works the best, lol. What you you suggest for tenses?


M. Le Renard said:


> Sorry.  I tend to concentrate a little too hard on the negative aspects of things when I'm critiquing them.  Just know that you kept my interest all the way through, which doesn't often happen when I'm reading something online.  Generally that means you know how to pace things to keep them intriguing.  And that's why, like I said, this piece is pretty good for a first attempt; not everyone can do that.



Really? That's good right? I hope that once I put more effort into it, it well turn out to be a very well-written story (At least for my level). Thank you, any more tips?


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## M. LeRenard (Jan 26, 2009)

> What you you suggest for tenses?


No reason not to keep it in first person... but personally, I like past tense.  It's more natural (because it's pretty much always been done that way).  I've only read one book that was written in present tense, and it was good, but it was Stephen King, so that kind of goes without saying.
But, you know.  Whatever works for you.  Present tense gives it a sense of immediacy, whereas past gives it more of a storybook feel (Once upon a time...).  I certainly don't recommend you write it in future tense, though. 


> Thank you, any more tips?


I'm sure I could come up with a million, but you might just be better off perusing this forum and all those millions of stickied threads.  Also, I'd recommend reading How to Grow a Novel, by Sol Stein, if you can get your hands on a copy.  It's very straight-forward, and teaches you a lot about writing fiction that you otherwise wouldn't have thought of.  Also, On Writing, by Stephen King (which should be easier to come by).


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## elidolente (Jan 26, 2009)

M. Le Renard said:


> No reason not to keep it in first person... but personally, I like past tense.  It's more natural (because it's pretty much always been done that way).  I've only read one book that was written in present tense, and it was good, but it was Stephen King, so that kind of goes without saying.
> But, you know.  Whatever works for you.  Present tense gives it a sense of immediacy, whereas past gives it more of a storybook feel (Once upon a time...).  I certainly don't recommend you write it in future tense, though.
> 
> I'm sure I could come up with a million, but you might just be better off perusing this forum and all those millions of stickied threads.  Also, I'd recommend reading How to Grow a Novel, by Sol Stein, if you can get your hands on a copy.  It's very straight-forward, and teaches you a lot about writing fiction that you otherwise wouldn't have thought of.  Also, On Writing, by Stephen King (which should be easier to come by).



Yay, stephen king=awesome. If I could do first person right, it would be aweosme. But its extremely difficult, maybe something to tackle later, not now.

Thank you so much, Ill make sure to send you next draft

Btw, nice avatar.


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## kitreshawn (Jan 26, 2009)

http://forums.furaffinity.net/showthread.php?p=830821#post830821

Posted that awhile ago and seeing your post made me think of it.  So I made another post recently.  Take a look, you might find something you find useful in there.


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