# Critique my short story



## SpikeBlu (Sep 12, 2009)

I know it's quite amateurish but I would like your opinions on this fan fic. I had to much fun thinking about the project I plan on doing so I wrote a short story featuring Brian and Stewie from Family Guy. It's VERY short but chocked full of humor and over the top references.

Have fun reading.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2781922/


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## Internet Police Chief (Sep 13, 2009)

Well, don't mind if I do.

First of all: oh jesus fuck what is with this font
Seriously, this font strains my eyes to read it. Never use it again. Stick to Arial or something.

Indent your paragraphs.

Next, use a spell checker. I don't mean that in an offensive way, but there are a lot of commonly missed spelling mistakes. Just from the first page, "corps" instead of "corpse" (twice), "his began to type" instead of "he began to type", "your" instead of "you're" (which, actually, happens almost every time you should say "you're") and "fursonnas" instead of "fursonas" (though to be fair, a spell checker wouldn't have caught that one).

If you have to break the fourth wall and explain to the reader that they will find out what something means later (like you did right after the letter Stewie wrote), then you aren't foreshadowing correctly. The story should tell itself, it shouldn't need you to out right literally tell the reader "keep reading, this will make sense later".

Some sentences just need rewriting to make sense, such as:



> "The power of Christ compels you!" Holy water splashed Brian in the face as Stewie continued.



Where did the holy water come from? Sure, you can assume it's Stewie throwing it on him, but that isn't said.



> Glaring at Brain, Stewie wasn't going to take this lightly.



This is confusing, because it doesn't say _who_ is glaring at Brian. This should be two different sentences and read like:



> Stewie started glaring at Brian. He wasn't going to take this lightly.



Also, you skip around with tenses a lot. Stick to one tense, past or present, and don't switch around.

Now, your formatting. You switch to centered text right around the middle for no real reason... don't do that. It just makes it confusing to read.

Also, you literally ended the story with an advertisement for Extinctioners. No. No no no. *NO.* People are reading your story for entertainment, not to have ads thrown at them.


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## AshleyAshes (Sep 13, 2009)

...Oh my God in heaven...


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## SpikeBlu (Sep 13, 2009)

Baron Von Yiffington said:


> Well, don't mind if I do.
> 
> First of all: oh jesus fuck what is with this font
> Seriously, this font strains my eyes to read it. Never use it again. Stick to Arial or something.
> ...



Thank you for the critique. Thank you a thousand times. However, I must explain the on purpose product placement if you didn't get it. That was actually all for setting up the final joke at the end. Also, the parentheses comments was an experiment to see if these type of jokes worked where the author would throw comments in as well as go off course and put his own commentary into the piece itself. Apparently that did not work. 

Still, thanks a million for the comments


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