# Split (a story that any critics or advice would be welcome)



## Zolen (Dec 10, 2009)

Split Ch1
_Reality is insanity~_


In the darkness an echo running wild into the ears, grew louder as seconds rolled by. Axel pulled at his hands, shook as he tried to pull them to his ears, unable to move. Louder and louder this horrible sound came, his ears felt like they were ready to burst. Axel closed his eyeâ€™s at this pain, trying to block it from his mind. The darkness felt massive, cutting out everything but the sound. 

A sudden feeling of quiet washed over him as sound shut off. His eyes felt drugged as he slowly opened them, to look into the darkness, a wet feeling sliding down his cheeks, he pulled at his hands to find out what, shaking as they finally started to respond. He moved his hand shakily followed the trails as he stopped at his ears, where a small pool rested. He moved his hands slowly moving to his eyes shaking as he saw his hands, blood. The darkness around him grew deeper, pulling at him, his eyes shifted from left to right in fear.

There was nothing, no light, no feeling. Fear swam in his flesh, the feeling that this darkness was here for him, hungering to snuff out his existence. He could not raise his voice in this darkness, his mouth not following his command. But in that void a light faintly grew from a faint glow. Air moving about it like the very light was its creator. The light grew greater.

A faint laugh slipped into Axels deaf ears as the darkness around him flashed, crimson lit eyes hanging like bulbs on a invisible plant. From this light a strange field formed, its soil white as ash. Faint signs of grass still rested on the land like a warning of death. He looked around himself, the wind whistled around him faintly, the sounds ripping into his head as easy as it could blow. He stopped as a warm water dripped down his back. Out of fear he turned around then-

A whine of his bed room alarm went on in his ears. Axel jolted up and looked around him 
"Not again" Axel moaned, his hair wet with sweat as he wiped it back out of his eyes. Once again the dream came to him, the pain and sights the same every time. Like something was reaching for him. He sighed as he dropped his hand on the clock, a small button on the device shutting off the annoying whine. The digital clock's showing SUN in bright green letters, its digital marks signing off the end of his freedom. "Schools tomorrow....dang where did the summer go?" He muttered as he pushed the sheets off of him, the warm fabric softly clinging to the sweat off his skin. 

He lifted himself out of bed with equal notice of the bed underneath him, feeling a want to say on its quilted fabric, rolled in the cheap covers. He quickly pulled himself up, grabbing at a pair of dirty blue jeans laying on the ground at his feet. His eyes ran along the room, its white walls glowing faintly in the warmth of the suns glow passing out of the widow hanging over his bed.

The single mirror on his wall showing his deep brown eye piercing as if looking at something that could not be seen, the iris almost impossible to distinguish from the pupil. "Still as cold as ever." Axel muttered as he scratched his black curling hair. 
"Axel, make sure to comb your hair!" His mother yelled from somewhere in the house, her voice echoing and strong against the thick walls.

"Sure mom!" Axel yelled, his voice echoing off the walls weakly. He yawned as he pulled the comb off of its spot taped to his mirror hanging on the wall. He grimaced looking at the comb, a mess of hair and grease covering its bristles. 
"I guess I can hold off a day." Axel muttered dropping the comb to the ground. "Now whereâ€™s my tooth brush?" He sighed as he looked, it lay dirty and yellow on the ground under his feet. 

'Might need a new one of those' Axel thought to himself as he pushed open his door a loud creek coming from the rusted frame, the floor echoing his steps. 
"Mom, I'm going for a walk in the woods." He yelled, his voice squeaking slightly as he spoke. Before she replayed he ducked out the window to his left, landing with a roll to the soft soil bellow. 

He sighed as he looked around the heavily wooded area. His home was this forest, as if every branch had a tale, and every leaf told him that story. He smiled crouching in a runners stance, mentally planning his imaginary race with Mikey Gorden. A Olympic runner he had seen on T.V once. In his mind he heard as a loud deep voice yelled out a count down, each number running with a all to real echo. As the numbers grew closer to zero he noticed something, the voice was a girl, echoing as she walked closer. 

"Now what?" Axel said as he looked over, only to glance down his face turning red. A girl walked down from the trees of a hill, smiling faintly as she noticed he spotted her. 
"What ya' doing?" She said almost stumbling as she walked, her red hair seeming to dance around her in the wind. 
Axel looked up calmly, his eyes tot he left as he said, "Nothing really." He glanced over a eager sensation in his mind as he moved his eyes back down. "I was just planning a run in the woods." 

The girl seemed to laugh, 
"Such skill, I am amazed your feet have not fallen off." Her steps seemed clumsily as she moved, almost making her trip as she kicked into a high root. Axel just stood their blankly, "Umm, so whats your name?" Axel said trying again to glance up only to look back down, his face turning a brighter red each time he looked. The girl smiled leaning forward trying to catch his eyes. "Names Maria, what's yours?" She said her voice seeming to echo in his ears, holding a sweet note."Umm, Axel...I-I, I probability should be going now." Axel said as he turned slowly walking around her. Before she could reply he bolted, he ran his legs as hard as he could, his mouth opening and closing to take in air almost violently as he went. 

Axel finally stopped, four minutes of running up and down the hilly landscape left him gasping for air, his lungs stinging. 
â€œWhat was I thinking?â€ Axel breathed out as he finally started to catch his breath, my mouth growing dry and thirsty. â€œMaybe I should go backâ€¦â€ Axel thought out loud as he looked around him, the treeâ€™s seemed to be waving softly, the light bending around them, as if shadows had been scared away. 
â€œWhat theâ€¦â€ His vision suddenly went black; his body felt like it was shaking wildly, pain erupting from his sides. His word seemed distant as he tried to yell out in pain, only to find that no air was left to breath. Sound around him was a faint echo, like being underwater in a metal pool, the water dancing around the surface. 

The world shook back into life as he suddenly dropped to the ground, pain erupting from his head as he involuntarily yelled out in pain. On the edge of his slowly returning vision he saw a bright red hanging over him, slowly he recognized her. 
â€œMaria?â€ Axel muttered as he rolled on his side, his eyes felt like they are burning as they started to adjust. 
â€œAre you okay?â€ Maria asked, her voice seeming just the same, yet oddly he felt some strange unnatural air about it, her hair seemed to bright a red, like it had lost its normal quality
â€œâ€¦.I..donâ€™t knowâ€¦â€ Axel said as he tried to push himself up, "I can't-" He lost his breath and waved his hands at his ears, a loud ringing annoying him. He lost his balance as he raised only to be saved by Maria. Her hands gripping his arm with practiced precision. 

"Thanks.." Axel muttered as he started to feel like he was going to vomit. 
"Youâ€™re welcome." She said with a smile as he lowered Axels weak body to the ground letting him rest against a tree. Axel and Maria waited as time passed, the air around them seeming to hold an acquired silence, neither feeling like talking. After what seemed like age's Maria said, "Do you think you can move?" Axel shrugged as he pushed at himself, his feet wobbling under his own weight.

"I think I can" Axel muttered, his eyes felt like they are seeing everything clearly yet his mind was blinking, like he was zoned out. Around him he felt a darkness running down his spine, a feeling he felt every time he slept that darkness that took at his body, numbing it of all but what it wanted to show him. As he walked the invisible darkness stalked after them, hiding behind the trees, spying and plotting, he could not tell, but with each step he was more eager then the last to get out of these woods. 

The ground shook as if a massive blast had ripped into the earth, waves of smoke shooting up into the air from the distance, just visible above the tree line. 
â€œWhat the-â€œ Axel yelled only to stop as a wave of heat tore into him, knocking him to the ground. Axel pushed himself up running to it. Mariaâ€™s voice yelling for him to stop, the echo of her voice almost gone in the wind. He ran hard, the trees like blurs, his eyes growing dry and weak as he rushed. His feet slammed to a stop as he looked, at the fringe of the woods the ground was red, lava jumping up eagerly at the trees hanging to close to them. Axel dropped to his knees; his home stood in the middle only the smallest remnants left in the burning pit.
â€œNoâ€¦â€¦momâ€¦.dadâ€¦â€¦â€ Axel muttered weakly staring out at the flames.

As he stood there a painful echo entered his ears, 
â€œahhhh!â€ Axel yelled out in pain as he covered his ears and dropped his face to the warm dirt. 
â€œNoâ€¦.noâ€¦noâ€¦no, no, no, no, no!â€ Axel blacked out as he felt his ears grow wet with blood. 
As his sight faded he was the distinct image of a red pair of eyes floating in the darkness of the trees. He collapsed to the ground, eyes moving wildly under their lids. In that darkness under his eyes he saw a pale dead field of grass, ash grey dirt sprinkling the ground. 
â€œWhere is this?â€ Axel yelled out his voice empty and hollow.
The air around him shifted visibly as he heard a calm, cold voice swim in his ears.
â€œWant to make a dealâ€ It said, a faint laughter echoing from the darkness, a small wave of darkness flashed into the grey field, the dead grass burning a black fire as it washed away, and a boy stood facing him, a negative of himself. Yet something was wrong about him, his face in a twisted grin maybe, or how every black was white, every white was black in contrast to Axel. He could not place it, this forbidding feeling like an old and powerful evil. 
â€œWant to make a deal?â€ He said, repeating himself as if annoyed, the air around him feeling violent and eager. Axel stood staring at him for maybe a minute before saying,
â€œWho are you?â€ In reply the negative bowed smiling; his black teeth sharp seemed to almost glow.
â€œWhy I am you of courseâ€¦.my king.â€




____________________

as I titled this comment, please any critics or helpful comments would help me a lot, I wish to improve, so I will happily accept any advice you have offer.


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## Stratelier (Dec 10, 2009)

Not reading a copypasta, sorry.  Do you have a URL to its submission page?


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## Zolen (Dec 10, 2009)

hmmm, your choice, but honestly I don't see much different and I kinda can't get rid of "ï¿½" that keep showing up, replacing the ... and " "

meh here ya go: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2656684/

And thank you if you plan to critic or give advice, if not, then just enjoy if you can....hmmmmm


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## TakeWalker (Dec 10, 2009)

Turn off the auto-replace for ellipses and smart quotes in your word processing software. That'll take care of the non-standard characters.


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## Zolen (Dec 10, 2009)

Hmm, considering I use Notepad I don't think I am even given the option for those


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## PheonixStar (Dec 10, 2009)

I'm curious about a few things about you, before I critique.

What are you looking for in your critique? Do you want the whole enchilada, do you want the short and sweet version? Are you looking for an editor-like assistance, or do you just want a response about the story's plot?

And is English your native language?

How emotionally strong are you in the face of a critique? Can you take an extensive one, or a shorter version one?

Knowing what you're looking for would be helpful in responding to your request.

You see, I'm always pretty fearful of being very straight-forward with writers. We're a sensitive bunch, and the last thing I want to do is to EVER discourage another writer from writing by being too blunt or too direct or giving them too much at one time.

I have some really, really positive things to say about your piece. I have a few not so positive things, maybe a few more than the positive-- but not nearly as important as the positive things. If that makes sense, which it very well might not.

Anyway, I'll post to your story on the main FA area if you would like me to. But I really would like to know what kind of critique you're honestly looking for. Even if you would really just like to hear what you did right and feel you've got a good handle on the rest, that's okay-- I'm happy to do that! But I would like to know where your "this could be done better" threshold is before I do anything.


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## Zolen (Dec 10, 2009)

I am mostly looking for anything, I am one who desperately wants to improve my skill.
So the whole enchilada if you want. 

English is in fact my native language, but I kinda was lazy in the spelling and grammar classes (ironic kinda that considering I want to be a published writer that I was lazy in those classes) 

Meh, true many writers are, but my sensitivity is more to people who do not comment at all.
They can trash and flame my writing and I will still feel worse if nobody comments at all. I am really very open to any suggestion given to me, as well as any complaints (I just request you give suggestions as to how to fix it as well)


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## PheonixStar (Dec 10, 2009)

Okay. I'll give you a straight critique. Please keep in mind that my intention is to help you, NOT to trash and flame. I understand your point about no response, because if I honestly felt someone wasn't worth the time... well, I wouldn't take the time. Ya know?

But please put on your "I ain't sensitive" pants, because there are a few areas where you could improve.

The plot is awesome, though. There are definitely things you've done right, too!


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## Zolen (Dec 10, 2009)

Epic, anything to help me become a better writer I am happy to endure.


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## PheonixStar (Dec 10, 2009)

I would also like to recommend to you that you do a fair amount of reading of the kind of what you want to write. Perverse and bizarre as it might sound... I write romances. I read a crapton of romances. I hate them. No, I'm not kidding, I hate them.

But I learn by reading what other authors do, and thus I know what I do and don't like about what they do. I also learn how romance writers (who have become best sellers to people who... you know... buy romances) approach certain issues.

Now, while all romances are different, they share specific things in common. I get to cherry-pick what I like from them, what makes for a good romance novel that actually captivates me. Then I get to leave the things that have me drooling with boredom.

For example, in my writings, there's a lot of fighting. Killing. Support characters dying. Mayhem. Assault. Violence. Action. Gore.

These, in general, are no-nos in romance.

BUT.

You knew a BUT was coming, right?

I can get away with it because, while my readers love romance, they almost all play World of Warcraft. And let's face it, WoW is all about killing, and gore, and violence, and death, and ACTION!

My readers would be like, "WTF? Die plz, kthx" if I didn't include the things that bridge the gap between them and the romance. They start out reading for pronz, much of the time... and end up staying because I hooked them with the things that they don't realize they crave.

So if you want to improve your game, so to speak, you gotta bore yourself in the trenches by reading lots of your competition. Then you carve out your own personal niche. Learn what rules you can break, and what rules you can't.

Also, you'll start to take in, through osmosis or something, better grammar and language usage.

So yeah. Read, read, and read some more. Notice what writers are dearly beloved in your genre, and read them a LOT. Then read some who are dearly beloved in a related genre.

Like you might read some horror novels, since one aspect of your story is to create fear and build suspense. How do the pros do it?

You don't copy them, you just learn from them, ya know?


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## M. LeRenard (Dec 10, 2009)

Boy, this one sure exploded before I could get to it.
Read the forum rules, please, before making any new threads.  I'm closing this one instead of deleting it, since you got a few critiques already, but if you want more, use the thread at the top.
Thanks, and good night.


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