# Need some tips please!



## Kume (Aug 22, 2008)

Tell me if theres anything i can do to improve my writing style, like vocab (spelling hasnt been corrected yet, its a very rough draft)


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## Kume (Aug 22, 2008)

Its funny, how a small change can affect everything.
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The day starts, just another standard day.
"I dont feel like getting out of bed yet, even though its almost noon". But I have a comic 
character sketch my boss wants in tomorow.Sometimes, I just want to say fuck the comic, 
I want to just have some fun. But then I realize how much fun the comics are....
So, I decide to put my pants on, then wander over to my dresser to find some mix-matched
socks. I head back over to my bed and finish getting dressed. still dazed with sleep, I 
wonder where i put my keys. I sit there for almost 5 minutes before i realize, they 
are in my pocket. I guess Im not on the right level today.

So i head out to the car, and realize i forgot my stuff. I run back up-stairs to grab my
pad and pens. Now I am on my way. I pull up to the park, get out and head over to my bench.
The same bench I sit at every day and work on my sketches. I love the way it looks out over
the....wait, where are the tennis courts? Ah, I'm at the wrong bench! Oh well, i dont feel 
like moving, so I just sit and start to draw.
"Lets see if I can make a superhero in a day". Well now, thats easier said than done. I sit 
at that bench, thinking for almost half an hour. "God, my brain doesnt want to work... 
I amy as well go for a walk". I set my pad down next to me, and stand up. One thing i forgot
is that my pens were on my lap. They scatter around in front of me, six in all. I let out
an exasperated sigh, and procede to pick the pens up. I picked up one, two, three, four,
five...wheres six? I look around, not seeing it. I walk up to the bush that is right in 
front of me, and i think maybe it went in there...may as well check.

When I reach into the bush, I get something I was not expecting: teeth! Something bites me, 
not too hard, but enough to scare this fox!I pull my hand back, checking for blood. None.
I open the bush, and look inside to find the most adorable husky pup i have ever seen, 
wagging his tail like the dam thing was on fire. He jsut sits there, staring at me like
he was waiting for me to pick him up. So I did, and he just loved it! He started licking 
my face, soon covering left cheek in slober. "God, kid your affectionate!"

I look around, and see no one, so i set him down. He just sits there, looking at me with 
those puppy eyes that get me every time. "Aw, i cant just leave you here! Your gonna come 
with me!" And at that, he jumps to his feet and barks once, as if to say "Yes". I have no 
trouble getting him to follow me to my car. I open the passenger door, and let him in.
I close the dorr, and go get in on the drivers side. As soon as I sit down, he jumps in 
my lap, and lays there. I pat him gently on the head. "Your lucky I have a soft spot for 
huskies".


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## E-mannor (Aug 22, 2008)

you desire a fuller richer vocabulary? do you thirst for colorful ways to depict conflict, and exuberance to perspire from the pages? a picture is a thousand words, but do you want your words to paint the reader a thousand pictures? DO YOU WANT PERFECTION???


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## Rhainor (Aug 22, 2008)

First thing that grabs my attention is that you're writing it in present tense.  IMHO, this is not the best way to write, nor the easiest to read.  There's a reason 90+% of professionally-authored fiction is written in past-tense.

Think of it this way:  It's not something that *is* happening, _right now_.  You're telling me about something that has _already happened_.  Even if it only happened yesterday, it's already happened, so you're gonna be saying "I went" instead of "I go".


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## Kume (Aug 22, 2008)

Rhainor said:


> First thing that grabs my attention is that you're writing it in present tense. IMHO, this is not the best way to write, nor the easiest to read. There's a reason 90+% of professionally-authored fiction is written in past-tense.
> 
> Think of it this way: It's not something that *is* happening, _right now_. You're telling me about something that has _already happened_. Even if it only happened yesterday, it's already happened, so you're gonna be saying "I went" instead of "I go".


 

I get where your commin from, but its just harder to write like that for me, the ideas just come naturaly like that in my head (if i can get the dam thing started D=)


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## E-mannor (Aug 22, 2008)

i think the present tense is a burden but a rewarding one when used correctly. i say go for it, the change from the norm is fun for stories that have things unfold in the close second person perspective.


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## Chanticleer (Aug 22, 2008)

Ok, a notoriously harsh critic is at your service.

I liked the frankness of your prose, but I think the story could use some improvement.

These are some of the piece's major problems:

-Grammar/spelling

-The dialogue does not feel real. It seems sort of blocky and blatantly expository. Your character seems to be saying things he would think, but not say. Also, your lines are a bit bland and could use a bit of spicing up.
For example (remember, just an example, you are the writer and master of your own piece.), You could improve the line, "God, my brain doesnt want to work...
I amy as well go for a walk", like this:

I tried to think up an idea... and failed.
	I growled under my breath. "Brain? You realize that this is mutiny, right?"
	I sighed and shook my head. I needed a walk to get the juices going.


-Not sure about your paragraph spacing, but I think you could use more of it.

-Your character's actions don't feel very real. Why wouldn't he, at the very least, be perplexed for a moment before picking up the puppy? After all, the thing had just bit him.


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## Kume (Aug 22, 2008)

Chanticleer said:


> Ok, a notoriously harsh critic is at your service.
> 
> I liked the frankness of your prose, but I think the story could use some improvement.
> 
> ...


 
THANK YOU!!! Thats exactly what i needed.

One thing tho: He is a quiet fox, and doesnt say very much, but i need to add some character development for him to the beggining so people know that when the story starts. All of the spelling and grammar hasnt even been looked at yet, because this is about a third through the story.

But hey, thanks! You told me all that was wrong with it, but werent being rude about it. *high fives*


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## Kume (Aug 22, 2008)

And i love the line you replaced, im gonna try to develope my vocab a little bit.


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## M. LeRenard (Aug 23, 2008)

What Chanticleer said, though I have a few things to add.
You would do well to vary your sentence structure a lot more.  As it is, it almost feels a little too patterned; try combining a few things, cutting a few others, until it becomes a lot more uneven.  Believe me when I say this will help it feel a lot more natural.
Ex: 


> So, I decide to put my pants on, then wander over to my dresser to find some mix-matched
> socks. I head back over to my bed and finish getting dressed. still dazed with sleep, I
> wonder where i put my keys. I sit there for almost 5 minutes before i realize, they
> are in my pocket. I guess Im not on the right level today.


could be rewritten: 


> So I finally decide to put my pants on, and I wander over to my dresser to find some of my impossibly mismatched socks.  These in hand, I sit down on my bed to finish getting dressed, then start trying to remember where I might have put my keys.  Five minutes pass.  Oh, right, of course; they're in my pocket.  Must not be on the right level today.


You know... just chop things up a little, fudge with grammar when you have to to make it fit the conversational style a little more, add a few trinkets here and there to spice it up a bit.  You've got the beginnings of a good personality in this piece, but it still seems a bit forced, so screwing with the sentence structure will help that.

Also, the quotation marks you use don't seem entirely necessary.  You'll notice that if you take them out, nothing will have changed.  Either make it more obvious that the fellow is talking to himself (even if it just means by adding a simple 'I said aloud to myself'), or just have him talk to himself like he does in the rest of the piece.  The quotes there just make it seem awkward.

Uhhh... what else.  Fudge sentence structure, add trinkets, fix the quotations....  Can't think of too much else that's direly wrong with it.  It's charming enough, so just play into that as much as you can.  The present tense, I think, is fine.  Gives it a more jovial, immediate feel.  Stephen King wrote an entire book (Black House) in present tense, so it can certainly be used.
Other than that, though, don't have much to say.  Good luck.


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## kitreshawn (Aug 25, 2008)

To give you some help with what Renard said about fudging your sentence structure try this:

Print out your story and cut the paragraphs apart.  Literally, with scissors.  Then read each paragraph on its own.  Make sure it is good enough to stand up by itself without any other part of the story as a crutch.  If it can't or feels weak you should either strengthen it somehow or (in the worst cases) discard it.

Then repeat the process with your sentences.  In this case do as above but also compare their length and such.  Are they all the same length?  Are they all structured the same way?  If so that is one thing you might want to change.

To see what I'm talking about try doing the same thing with some author you admire.  Doing this you can compare what you are doing to what they do.  This doesn't mean you should copy, but it gives you some additional insight to their style.


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## Nargle (Aug 25, 2008)

I have a suggestion.. Add a little variety to your sentences! Mix up the structure! Every single sentence in the first paragraph started with "I", sometimes even twice! And if it didn't start with "I," there was a "But" or a "So" immediately followed by an "I."

It flows a lot more smoothly if you bring out other subjects, other then yourself. Plus, it might help to use some "big" transition words like "However" and "Therefor" instead of "But" and "So." And.. there's a lot of other stuff, but it's easier to just look at my example. Maybe you can just figure out the problems from that.

Example:
"The clock flashed "noon," it's dimly glowing digits pestering me to get out of bed. I wanted nothing more then to just lay there, however, my boss wanted my comic in by tomorrow. Better get working on it.

Sometimes the idea of toiling over this wretched comic makes me want to scream "Fuck it!" The tantalizing notions of fun and relaxation make me just crave to get away. Yet, it seems I always come back to comics. They're actually pretty fun, after all. 

Half slithering into my favorite pair of pants, I stumbled across the room towards my dresser. I grasped about in a drawer until I came up with a motley pair of mismatched socks. Ambling over to my bed, eyes still clouded with sleep, I lazily finished dressing. I fumbled around the usual places for my keys, until finally realizing that they were tucked safely away in my pocket. My brain must not be functioning properly today..."

Oh yeah, and different subjects require different paragraphs. I was able to make three out of your one.


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