# Fucked up joke thread.



## MegaMew (Nov 14, 2014)

_Big ass disclaimer; you read the title. Do not get mad or offended if something here doesn't agree with you. You've been warned! Thank you and enjoy!_

So. Many of us have... Questionable humor. Me being no exception. So I was interested in seeing your guy's cringe worthy jokes. Let's start off with a good one.

"So what did George Bush say when he heard three Brazilians died in 9/11?" "How many is a Brazilian?"

*THERE ARE NO BOUNDARIES, FRIENDS!*


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## funky3000 (Nov 14, 2014)

Tempted to say a joke that got a whole forum angry at me 3 years ago.


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## Pinky (Nov 14, 2014)

funky3000 said:


> Tempted to say a joke that got a whole forum angry at me 3 years ago.


Well now everyone is going to want to hear it. :v


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## funky3000 (Nov 14, 2014)

Pinky said:


> Well now everyone is going to want to hear it. :v



Lol it wasn't even my joke either, it was a friend's.

They totally fuckin believed me :V

(seriously tho it legit belongs to a friend)


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## WolfNightV4X1 (Nov 14, 2014)

What do you call a boy with no arms and legs on a swing?
Timmy!

Knock Knock
"Who's there?"
NOT TIMMY!


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## Sarcastic Coffeecup (Nov 14, 2014)

I'll be lurking, I don't want SJW rage fits for my sense of humor


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## RedSavage (Nov 14, 2014)

Ever hear the joke about the baby with AIDS? 
Aw. It -never- gets old. 

The punchline in that SIDS joke was quite unexpected. 

Who do you call a woman with a black eye?
Disciplined. 

What do you call a woman with two black eyes? 
A slow learner. 

Little boy Johnny gets kidnapped and molested by an old man out in the forest. After months of abuse he finally escapes and managed to make it to the highway where he's picked up by a motorist. He tells his tragic tale, and the driver shakes his head, unzips his pants, and says, "Well today just ain't your day."


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## Lobar (Nov 14, 2014)

A man walks into the lobby at a webhost's colo center, and is greeted by a woman behind a desk asking, "Hello, may I help you?"  The man replies, "Yes, I need hosting for my website."  The woman holds back a sigh, and begins to say, "New customers need to call our home office, the number isâ€“" but the man cuts her off.  "Hold on, this isn't like any website you've ever seen before."  The woman, holding off from redirecting him to the proper channels for a moment, asks curiously, "What's so different about yourâ€“"

"â€“I'm glad you asked," interrupted the man.  "The first thing you see as soon as you access the site is a dog with a huge penis.  Then, my friend comes along with an ass full of peanut butter and sits on the dog's face.  He starts jacking off the dog while the dog is tonguing his anus, and then he farts and sprays peanut butter all over the dog.  I walk in and hold the dog down while my friend farts a flatulent rendition of 'Hot Cross Buns' all over this dog.  I then force the dog's nose into my friend's ass and push it in all the way up to the ears while my buddy rips his finale fart, which pushes its way down the dog's nasal passages and out its mouth in a spray of peanut buttery glory."

"Meanwhile," continues the man, oblivious to the mask of stunned horror on the woman's face, "of course I'm sitting on this dog's dick.  My wife comes up behind me and grabs the dog by the balls and rams his knot all the way up inside me.  Blood starts leaking out of my ass, and my wife licks it up off the dog's balls.  She sticks her hand up the dog's ass halfway to the elbow, and pulls out a handful of dog shit.  She sculpts a replica of the Twin Towers out of dog shit right between me and my buddy on this dog's stomach, and then starts jacking both of us off with her shit-covered hands, while we all sing 'God Bless America' together."

"When we cum," the man continues, the woman too focused on suppressing her nausea to interrupt, "the force of our jizz on the Twin Towers knocks them down.  We then set the dog on fire and an American flag with the words, 'Never Forget' on it descends in the background.  We stand and salute the flag with a Roman salute as our bodies drip shit, jizz, blood, and peanut butter on the burning dog.  My wife then suddenly gives birth to the dog's half-human, half-canine puppies, to symbolize that no matter what happens, America will always rise again from the ashes."

Several tense seconds of silence pass, until the woman manages to regain her composure enough to choke out, "That's...that's a hell of a website.  What the fuck do you even call something like that?"  And the man leans in uncomfortably close to her, his eyes wide as he flashes a too-wide, toothy grin, and says in a loud whisper, "...FURAFFINITY!"


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## WolfNightV4X1 (Nov 14, 2014)

O-O

...and as disturbing as that was I think lobar wins the thread

Brb getting mindbleach


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## RedSavage (Nov 14, 2014)

That poor dog.


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## Ayattar (Nov 14, 2014)

Do you accept:
- sexist
- jesus
- holocaust
- racist
- foetus
related highly offensive jokes?

Because if not, then I don't know any.


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## mcjoel (Nov 14, 2014)

I know some really awful ones that I'm definitely not going to say because


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## Schwimmwagen (Nov 14, 2014)

what do you call a dead parrot



Spoiler



a polygon


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## Ayattar (Nov 14, 2014)

Like: 
How many jews can fit into a Mini-Cooper?
Four. 



Spoiler



Plus additional 150 in the ashtray



or

What is the difference between the sandwich and a foetus?
Sandwich doesn't crunch when you eat it
?


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## Schwimmwagen (Nov 14, 2014)

i have the most racist jokes for you all
*
what do you call an israeli that is sneezing
*


Spoiler



____________a jew______________________________


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## DrDingo (Nov 14, 2014)

I have so many really twisted ones I could tell you people, and it's _very_ tempting.
But nah, I reckon I'll leave it.


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## mcjoel (Nov 14, 2014)

Pizza jokes are fun
Whats the difference between a *insert ethnicity here* a pizza can Feed a family of four.
What's the difference between a pizza and a *Edited out for your protection*  pizzas don't scream when you put them in the oven. 
Im sorry everyone


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## Ayattar (Nov 14, 2014)

Hans says to Jews:
- Jews! I'll build you a house!
- Yaaaaaay!
- But if I'll see anyone of you in the window - I'll kill you
- Yaaaaaay!


Spoiler



And he build them... a greenhouse



Oh! I also know great "There was a devil who caught a Pole, Russian and German" series jokes!


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## jtrekkie (Nov 14, 2014)

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?



Spoiler



A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.



I think that's it for me.


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## MegaMew (Nov 14, 2014)

Ayattar said:


> Do you accept:
> - sexist
> - jesus
> - holocaust
> ...



Yeah. Lay waste my friends! The sickest of shit!


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## MegaMew (Nov 14, 2014)

How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?
Two in the front, two in the back, and 9,000 in the ash tray.


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## LizardKing (Nov 14, 2014)

MegaMew said:


> "So what did Bill Clinton say when he heard three Brazilians died in 9/11?" "How many is a Brazilian?"



Why would you ruin that by changing it from Bush to Clinton?


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## Schwimmwagen (Nov 14, 2014)

>people repeating jokes already said in the thread and we're not even beyond the first page

Need I bring out the super super naughty jokes that aren't suitable for those under the age of 8?


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## MegaMew (Nov 14, 2014)

Schwimmwagen said:


> Need I bring out the super super naughty jokes that aren't suitable for those under the age of 8?


Yes! Please!


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## mcjoel (Nov 14, 2014)

I don't understand why Christians are against gay marriage.
Jesus had two dads, he turned out alright.

Jesus walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water which he then turns into wine.
The barman says, "Oy, what do you think you are doing?"
Jesus replies, "I'm not paying your fucking prices."

My boss (who is German) had the audacity to tell me there is no 'I' in 'team'.
However, he got quite upset when I casually pointed out that there is a 'U' in 'holocaust'...

Did you hear about the Polish captain who wanted to be buried at sea?

Five sailors drowned digging his grave

How do police know that princess Diana had dandruff?
 They found her head and shoulders under the steering wheel.
Heres some for everyone.


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## Troj (Nov 14, 2014)

How do you make a baby float?

Answer one: Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of baby.
Answer two: Take your foot off its head.

What's worse than a pile of 100 dead babies?

99 dead babies, and 1 live baby eating its way out.


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## Bonobosoph (Nov 14, 2014)

An unfortunate sequence of events occurred, when the guests were asked to toast the happy couple at the Aspergers society wedding event.
Luckily the emergency services were promptly in attendance..

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

I'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

Why did Disney World fail in Japan?
Nobody was tall enough to go on the good rides.

I was chatting to an American about all the pain we felt on 9/11/2001. I should know - I caught my foreskin in my zip that day.
Which, by the way, was the 9th of November.


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## funky3000 (Nov 14, 2014)

Well considering the stuff that's been splattered on this thread already, I'll drop my friend's.

What do you say when you see a group of black people on top of a church?

Holy shit!


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## MegaMew (Nov 14, 2014)

How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.


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## Bonobosoph (Nov 14, 2014)

As much as I love bad jokes, the dead baby ones are disturbing as hell. The only bad jokes that I think are... bad.


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## MegaMew (Nov 14, 2014)

Bonobosoph said:


> As much as I love bad jokes, the dead baby ones are disturbing as hell. The only bad jokes that I think are... bad.



I can see that. I mean, of the bad jokes its the darkest of them.


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## Mauve (Nov 14, 2014)

So a baby seal walks into a club...


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## funky3000 (Nov 14, 2014)

4 gay men walk into a bar to have a drink, but there's only one stool left.

So they turn it upside down.


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## VÃ¦r (Nov 14, 2014)

I knew this guy who was dating a girl, who happened to be cross-eyed. He broke up with her, not because of her lazy eye mind you, but he broke up with her because she was always seeing someone else on the side.


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## Pinky (Nov 14, 2014)

What's got 8 legs and scares women?

Gang rape.


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## Ayattar (Nov 14, 2014)

Troj said:


> What's worse than a pile of 100 dead babies?
> 
> 99 dead babies, and 1 live baby eating its way out.



What's funny?


Spoiler



Three dead foetuses in a barrel


What's even funnier?


Spoiler



One dead foetus in three barrels



What's 30cm long, stiff and makes women scream?


Spoiler



A dead foetus


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## RedSavage (Nov 14, 2014)

A family walks into a hotel. The father goes up to the front desk and says, "I hope the porn is disabled." 
The guy at the desk looks up and replies, "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."


Also

I have an epipen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed REALLY important to him.


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## LizardKing (Nov 14, 2014)

Pinky said:


> What's got 8 legs and scares women?
> 
> Gang rape.



9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape


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## Batty Krueger (Nov 14, 2014)

MegaMew said:


> _Big ass disclaimer; you read the title. Do not get mad or offended if something here doesn't agree with you. You've been wanted! Thank you and enjoy!_
> 
> So. Many of us have... Questionable humor. Me being no exception. So I was interested in seeing your guy's cringe worthy jokes. Let's start off with a good one.
> 
> "So what did Bill Clinton say when he heard three Brazilians died in 9/11?" "How many is a Brazilian?"


Its supposed to be George W. Bush, not Bill Clinton.


Why don't blacks let their kids play in a sandbox? Because cats will bury them.

What's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby dressed as a clown.


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## MegaMew (Nov 14, 2014)

Batty Krueger said:


> Its supposed to be George W. Bush, not Bill Clinton.
> 
> 
> Why don't blacks let their kids play in a sandbox? Because cats will bury them.
> ...


Oh. Will edit immediately.


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## Rekel (Nov 14, 2014)

What's the difference between an art major and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family.

Edit: AWH, SHIIIT. THIS WAS ALREADY POSTED BECAUSE IT'S TOO COOKIE-CUTTER.


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## Arcana (Nov 14, 2014)

What's worse than ten babies nailed to one tree?



Spoiler



One baby nailed to ten trees.



There are few jokes I can actually remember off the top of my head; this is one of them.


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## Schwimmwagen (Nov 14, 2014)

why do white people shoot up schools



Spoiler



because they're the only ones that attend





Spoiler



#shotsfired


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## MegaMew (Nov 14, 2014)

Whats the worst part of being a black jew?
Sitting in the back of the oven.


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## Butters Shikkon (Nov 14, 2014)

Here's one for the thread. 

In response to the babies <3

 And who doesn't love forum politics?


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## Schwimmwagen (Nov 14, 2014)

Butters Shikkon said:


> Here's one for the thread.



Omg I love toonhole


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## Kit H. Ruppell (Nov 14, 2014)

Q: Why were the Mexican school's driver's ed _and_ sex ed classes simultaneously cancelled?
A: The donkey was sick.


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## Ayattar (Nov 14, 2014)

Butters Shikkon said:


> And who doesn't love forum politics?



Did you mean...

EBOLATE?


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## Kit H. Ruppell (Nov 14, 2014)

Some original material

Q: What do you call a horny Muslim girl?
A: A moist towelette.

Ancient Chinese wisdom: Sweetest meat scream longest in pot.


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## mcjoel (Nov 14, 2014)

Arguing with a Christian is like playing chess with a pigeon?
You could be the greatest player in the world, but the pigeon will still knock over all the pieces, shit on the board and strut around triumphantly.

Did you hear about the Polish Helicopter crash?
The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.

What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany's best comedian?
Only the first one can make you smile.

What's the difference between a gay and a microwave?
A microwave won't brown your sausage.


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## Ayattar (Nov 14, 2014)

mcjoel said:


> What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany's best comedian?
> Only the first one can make you smile.



I'm offended.

Hereby I propose a new game. You get offended - you lose.


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## Batty Krueger (Nov 14, 2014)

What do you call 4 black guys in a jacuzzi? 
Gorillas in the Mist.

So 3 gay guys are in a jacuzzi and see a condom floating at the surface of the the water, in which one replies "Alright who farted?"

So 2 dudes are fucking, one finishes and leaves to get some smokes. He comes back to see the walls covered in shit, jizz, blood and lube. Then he asked "Did you have to fart?"

Why dont black people let their kids jump on the bed?
Because they'll get stuck to the ceiling.

Why couldn't the jew pick up the penny?
His nose got in the way.

Why do jews like to watch pornos backwards?
They like to see the part where the hooker gives the money back.


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## Sylver (Nov 14, 2014)

My friend told me this one and I just lost my shit, then felt bad because of how dark it was. Then continued laughing minutes after in random brief fits.

What has 5 feet, 3 arms, and 2 legs?

The finish line for the Boston Marathon.

----

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

The people in the planes during 9/11; they went through 120 stories in 6 seconds.

---

What's the difference between SantaClause and a Jew?

Which direction they go in the chimney. (reference to the holocaust if you didn't get it)

Edit:

What's the most confusing day for black people in Detroit?

Fathers day.


I know..they're dark...


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## SparkyWolf (Nov 14, 2014)

OK. You asked for Fucked up, well, Here you go:

How do you make a Gay man Fuck a woman? 
You Shit in her Cunt.


I just hope that no little kids read that, lol


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## Kit H. Ruppell (Nov 14, 2014)

More originals

Q: What do you call a Chinese midget?
A: Ni Hai
Q: And his slightly taller brother?
A: Qin


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## Mikazuki Marazhu (Nov 14, 2014)

I'm not sure what I'm reaching here.


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## Phoenix-Kat (Nov 14, 2014)

Are racist jokes allowed? Two friends owned a golf course and had robot caddies. The sun would reflect off them and make it hard for the golfers to see so the golf course started to employee human caddies, which raised the price of the golf course. "Why didn't you just paint them black?" people asked. The golf course owners said, "We did! But one raped a white girl and another robbed liquor store."

Why aren't the Olympics ever held in Mexico? Because any Mexican that can run, jump, swim  or climb is already in the US.


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## Kit H. Ruppell (Nov 14, 2014)

Q:Why do pharmacies put cotton balls in the top of pill bottles?
A: So blacks will refuse to steal from them.

Q: Why did blondes evolve a few more brain cells than horses?
A: So they wouldn't shit during parades.


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## Phoenix-Kat (Nov 14, 2014)

Q.What do you call a black boy with a bicycle?
A. Thief!


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## Chuchi (Nov 14, 2014)

Kit H. Ruppell said:


> Q: What do you call a Chinese midget?


http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/04/world/asia/04dwarfs.html?_r=0

Completely unrelated to the thread, but had to link it after I saw Kit's post.


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## Lobar (Nov 14, 2014)

Q: Why don't people tell white jokes?

A: They want to keep their jobs.


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## jtrekkie (Nov 14, 2014)

I can't think of any white jokes that don't include incest.


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## Kit H. Ruppell (Nov 14, 2014)

Q: What do you call 32 rednecks in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.


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## GarthTheWereWolf (Nov 15, 2014)

What does a baby look like after a minute in the microwave?


Spoiler



I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.



Whats the difference between a black man and a snow tire?


Spoiler



A snow tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it.



How do Ethiopians celebrate their child's first birthday?


Spoiler



By putting flowers on their grave.



How can you tell if your wife is dead?


Spoiler



The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up



Why do Mexicans never have Sex Ed. and Driver's Ed. on the same day?


Spoiler



They have to give the donkey a break at some point.



How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?


Spoiler



Don't be stupid. Feminists can't change anything.



What is a redneck virgin?


Spoiler



A seven year old who can run faster than her brothers



Whats the difference between a hippy chick and a hockey player?


Spoiler



A hockey player showers after 3 periods.



What's the best part of sex with a transvestite?


Spoiler



Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.



What does it taste like when you go down on an old lady?


Spoiler



Depends...



Why do black men cry during sex?


Spoiler



Mace



How do you know when a redneck has her period?


Spoiler



She's only wearing one sock.



Why do the Scottish wear kilts?


Spoiler



Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile off



Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve?


Spoiler



Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.



How do you get a hippy pregnant?


Spoiler



Cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest.


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## Ayattar (Nov 15, 2014)

Pregnant woman, 8th month and father are talking
- Uh! It kicks!
- What? Our baby? Awww, so cute!
- No, you retard, heroin. Give me another shot!


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## Bonobosoph (Nov 15, 2014)

It's a tiebreak between Lobar and Garth.


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## funky3000 (Nov 15, 2014)

How can you tell if someone on Minecraft is good at PvP?

They speak Spanish.


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## Mr. Sparta (Nov 15, 2014)

So I was having the time of my life, you know. I seemed to dominate the match, getting a 26 person killstreak off a bunch of noobs. Seriously, my K/D ratio that round was 26/0, fucking incredible! But then I noticed i didn't set up my killstreak bonuses the way I wanted to, and the noobs were not even trying to break my streak. So I decide to fuck it and suicide.



Spoiler



That Newtown DLC map is so shit.


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## MegaMew (Nov 15, 2014)

How did Helen Kellers parents punish her?
... They put in a round room and told her to sit in the corner.


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## monochromatic-dragon (Nov 15, 2014)

Not sure if this is too NSFW so I'll hide it in a spoiler



Spoiler



A man walks into a brothel and approaches the lady who is in charge. "I think I am in need of your services, but I don't have much money," the man says. 
The woman takes his money and brings the man to one of the rooms in the brothel. There on the bed sits a very fine looking young lady. The man is left alone with her and he pulls down his pants and starts going at her. All the while the woman seems silent and unresponsive, but he's too busy enjoying himself to take much notice of it. When the man finally comes he begins to pull away, but he starts to notice something odd about the girl. Suddenly white stuff begins to seep out of her mouth, eyes, and ears. In a panic, the man runs and yells for the lady at the counter. The owner of the brothel takes one look at the poor woman and shouts for the janitor. "Hey, Bob! The dead one's full!"


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## Lobar (Nov 15, 2014)

Q: How many gamers does it take to discover a new exploit?

A: Two, one to doxx her address and one to get the chloroform.


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## Teckolf (Nov 15, 2014)

Not that messed up but I am not sure most of my jokes are welcome anywhere... Not even on FAF.

Anyway, a chemical, an electrical, a mechanical, and a civil engineer were discussing who designed the human body. The chemical engineer stated that it must have been a ChemE based on the DNA strands. The electrical stated it had to have been an EE due to the electrical impulses that controls many of the functions. The mechanical said it must have been an ME because of all the different joints in the body. The civil engineer finally stood up and said "You are all wrong. It was definitely a CE. Who else would put a toxic waste line in a recreational area".


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## Llamapotamus (Nov 15, 2014)

What do you call someone who works in the field of physics?
physicist

What about someone who writes novels for a living?
novelist

What about someone who works in botany?
botanist

And someone who runs races for a living?
Kenyan

Oh come on, you know the answer had to be racist...


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## RabidLynx (Nov 16, 2014)

Not as fucked up as some of the ones here, but most fucked up jokes I know have already been said.


A man is jogging down the beach, and he finds a crying girl with no arms or legs. He asks her what's wrong, and she says she's never been hugged before. So he picks her up, gives her a big hug, and when he puts her down she is happy and smiling. 

The next day, he is jogging down the beach when once again he sees the limbless girl, and she is crying again. He asks what's wrong and she says she's never been kissed before. So he picks her up and gives her a kiss on the lips, and when he puts her down she is gleaming with happiness.

The next day he is jogging down the beach and sees the girl again, sobbing. He asks her what's wrong and she says she's never been fucked before. He picks her up, carries her to the water, and throws her into the ocean. "Now you're fucked."


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## Astus (Nov 16, 2014)

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the little bitches house


-Knock knock-
"Who's there?"
The Chicken


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## RedSavage (Nov 16, 2014)

Why did Princess Diana cross the road? 


Momentum.

-bonus round-


Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? 

You'd run away too if your name was HNAAAAAAAAGHRRGH.


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## VÃ¦r (Nov 16, 2014)

I like my guys how I like my wine; twelve years old and locked in my basement.


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## Llamapotamus (Nov 16, 2014)

Personally, I don't see why China's great wall is considered such a feat of engineering. I mean, it was designed and built to have a lot of chinks in it.


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## WolfNightV4X1 (Nov 16, 2014)

RedSavage said:


> Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
> 
> 
> Momentum.
> ...



Hey red, try not to gain too much weight,

Trans fat is bad for you :V

((okay shoot me now))

I wonder if there is anyone who will get offended if I start making pan jokes P I'm feeling suicidal

Someone throw some cis and straight jokes to even the playing field!


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## GarthTheWereWolf (Nov 16, 2014)

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?


Spoiler



AIDS



Whats the most confusing day in Harlem?


Spoiler



Father's Day



What does the moose say after he leaves the gay bar?


Spoiler



Man I blew like 50 bucks back there.



What stinks more than getting an abortion?


Spoiler



The next coat that goes on that clothes hanger



Why do tampons have strings?


Spoiler



So you can floss after eating



Why did the redneck cross the road?


Spoiler



Because he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken


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## RedSavage (Nov 16, 2014)

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? 

The wheel chair. 



WolfNightV4X1 said:


> Hey red, try not to gain too much weight,
> Trans fat is bad for you :V



BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA YESSSSSSS


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## Bonobosoph (Nov 16, 2014)

WolfNightV4X1 said:


> I wonder if there is anyone who will get offended if I start making pan jokes P I'm feeling suicidal
> 
> Someone throw some cis and straight jokes to even the playing field!


A bisexual, a pansexual, and an asexual walk into a bar.
No one sees them because they donâ€™t exist.


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## Lobar (Nov 16, 2014)

A gamer goes up to a girl at PAX and says, "Can I ask you something?"

"Yes?"

"Can I bend you over and fuck you right here in the convention center?"

"Fuck no, get the hell away from me."

But he grabs her and forces himself on her anyways.  Onlookers stare slack-jawed as she unsuccessfully struggles to fight him off.  Half a minute later, he finishes, then says to her, "Oh, shit.  Sorry, lagging."


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## Schwimmwagen (Nov 16, 2014)

A priest is taking a stroll on pier in South Africa. He witnesses three white men pulling a black man out of the sea with the aid of a rope tied around him. He is gasping for breath.

The priest smiles and says "How wonderful it is to see you all put your differences aside and help your fellow human being when he needs his life saved! God bless you all and have a nice day." He then walks away, leaving the group alone.

One of the white men then says "He may be a good priest an' all, but he knows fuck-all about shark fishing."


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## tisr (Nov 16, 2014)

How is this place a thing? Why has it n-

Whats the similarity between food and dark humor?

Some people don't get it.


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## Schwimmwagen (Nov 16, 2014)

What do you do with people who have ADD?

Send them to a concentration camp.


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## Hikaru Okami (Nov 16, 2014)

Q: How do you blindfold an asian?

A: You use floss.

Q: Why did doctors use the word PMS?

A: Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

A couple walks into a restaurant and an obviously gay waiter greets them.
"Hi what can I get for you?" he says.
"A salad." says the wife.
"A faggot." says the husband.
The waiter leaves and comes back with their orders.
The husbands looks at the cooked hand on his plate then notices the waiter is missing a hand.
He says, "I wanted to eat a faggot not a faggot."

You'll get it if you know what they are. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Faggot_(food)


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## Shadow Jaeger (Nov 16, 2014)

A waitress in a restaurant goes up to a man who is ready to order, she asks what he would like. The man quickly glances at his menu at says "I will have a quickee". The waitress gets mad at him and leaves the table for a few minutes. She eventually calms herself down and asks the man again what he would like. The man responds with "I want a quickee". The waitress becomes furious and slaps the man in the face and walks away. Another man sitting at the table next to him notices what happens and looks at the mans menu. The man then proceeds to tell the man recently slapped "I believe the word is pronounced quiche".


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## VÃ¦r (Nov 16, 2014)

Asians are so bad at driving I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.


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## Sweetheartz22 (Nov 16, 2014)

****Disclaimer: NSFW****

*The Best Buttered Corn EVER*
There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman. 
"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.
She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me." 
The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends. 
"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her." 
"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.
"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"
"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.
He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.
"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.
"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me." 
"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!" 
He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell. 
"What do you want for some water?"
"You have to have sex with me." 
Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.
"Do me here," she told him. 
He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea. 
"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!" 
The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window. 
"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars." 
"Then lay back and close your eyes again." 
This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes. 
"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert." 
"Eyes closed," he says.
Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms. 
"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy. 
So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window. 
One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"


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## Mauve (Nov 16, 2014)

What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani Elementary school?


Spoiler



I don't know. I just fly the drone.



What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?


Spoiler



A pimple waits until you're 12 to come on your face.



Thomas Jefferson liked his women how he liked his coffee.


Spoiler



Hand picked from a field.


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## lupinealchemist (Nov 17, 2014)

What's the difference between a black person and a pile of shit?
Shit turns white and stop smelling.


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## Ozriel (Nov 17, 2014)

There's a lack of white jokes here.

How many white people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them: one to hold the bulb in place, and the rest of them to screw the whole world.
---
On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and then throws the white guy off the roof.

---
So why donâ€™t police officers shoot white kids with their hoods on?

because itâ€™s not cool to shoot your fellow kkk members, itâ€™s totally against the code bro.
---
What do you call 64 white people in a room?
A full blooded Cherokee.
---
How does every good black joke start?
With a white guy looking over his shoulder.
---
Whatâ€™s the difference between white people and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will develop itâ€™s own cultures.
---
What do you call a party with no white people? 
Crackalackin!
---
Why canâ€™t white people play chess?
Because they've been taught that all white pieces are kings.
---
Why do white people burn in the sun?
Evil canâ€™t stand the light.
---
Why are hurricanes always named after white people? 
Because white people destroy everything.
---
What is the difference between a white man and a snake?
One is a vile, slithering servant of hell. The other is a snake.
---
Why did the white man cross the road?
To steal your land.


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## Schwimmwagen (Nov 17, 2014)

Ozriel said:


> Why do white people burn in the sun?
> Evil canâ€™t stand the light.



KEK


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## Lobar (Nov 17, 2014)

What's white and twelve inches long?



Spoiler



NOTHING!


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## Schwimmwagen (Nov 17, 2014)

What does school and a penis have in common?

Both are long and hard, unless you're Asian.


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## Ozriel (Nov 17, 2014)

Lobar said:


> What's white and twelve inches long?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Why do white people own so many pets?


Spoiler



Because they are not allowed to own people anymore.



What do you call a white girl with a yeast infection?


Spoiler



Crackers with cheese.


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## Kit H. Ruppell (Nov 17, 2014)

Ozriel said:


> ---
> Whatâ€™s the difference between white people and yogurt?
> If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will develop itâ€™s own cultures.
> ---


  I'm glad I put my drink down just then, because I would have drowned laughing!

...
What do you get when you cross a Negro with a Neanderthal?
A white person.


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## Bonobosoph (Nov 17, 2014)

The council have asked me to take down my England flags to avoid upsetting the local Indian community.
So, to make them feel more at home, I gang raped one of their daughters and then hanged her.
(sorry not sorry.)

What's the difference between a naked white woman and a naked black woman?
One's on the cover of Playboy and the other's on the cover of National Geographic

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
The customer says, "Female"
The counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
The customer says, "White"
The counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
The customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
The counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

When Muslim parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosive noises?

For the furfags:
What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle? 
Wipe it off and apologise.


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## Ozriel (Nov 17, 2014)

Kit H. Ruppell said:


> I'm glad I put my drink down just then, because I would have drowned laughing!
> 
> ...
> What do you get when you cross a Negro with a Neanderthal?
> A white person.



A good looking 50 year old white man is trying to get laid on reality TV. What show are you watching?


Spoiler



To catch a predator.


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## Kit H. Ruppell (Nov 17, 2014)

Why are Jews so lazy?
Because work sets them free.


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## Bonobosoph (Nov 17, 2014)

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
8 pints.


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## Ruggy (Nov 17, 2014)

Yeah this barely registers compared to the rest of this thread, but it amuses me anyway, so:

Two nuns are riding bicycles down the backstreets of Rome. One turns to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other nods and says, "It's the cobblestones, my dear."


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## Fernin (Nov 17, 2014)

Not sure if this one's been covered yet...


What's the worst part about being a black jew?

They have to sit at the back of the oven.


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## Bonobosoph (Nov 17, 2014)

What's pedo's favourite cheese?
Babybel


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## TheArchiver (Nov 17, 2014)

What do you after fucking the tightest vagina in the world?

Put the diaper back on...


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## Bonobosoph (Nov 17, 2014)

You win this thread. D:


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## VÃ¦r (Nov 17, 2014)

What's the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne doesn't come onto your face until you're a teenager.


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## MegaMew (Nov 17, 2014)

Whats the difference between a picture of jesus and actual jesus?
It takes one nail to hang a picture.


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## Teckolf (Nov 18, 2014)

What does Hendrix, Paul Walker, and the Ford Pinto have in common?

They are all on fire.


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## chesse20 (Nov 18, 2014)

what's better than 13 babies in one trash can? 1 baby in 13 trash cans!


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## MegaMew (Nov 18, 2014)

A classic: How do you make a plumber cry?
Kill his family.


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## Kit H. Ruppell (Nov 18, 2014)

I had some reservations about this one, but any semblance of decency in this thread is lost now.

How do you make a little boy cry twice?
Wipe your bloody member off on his teddy bear.


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## Coluth (Nov 19, 2014)

Why don't old men eat out old ladies?

Ever try to peal apart a grilled cheese sandwich???


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## lupinealchemist (Nov 20, 2014)

I'm so white, during the riots, I went out and bought a tv.


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## Phoenix-Kat (Nov 23, 2014)

A woman had recently obtained two female parrots that could talk. They would say, "Hi! We are hookers! Want to have some fun?"  The woman was horrified and talked to her friend who was a Catholic priest who had two male parrots that he had taught to pray and say the Rosary. The priest suggested they introduce his male parrots to the females in an attempt that they could be a good influence. When the woman put her female parrots in the cage with the priest's male parrots they said, "Hi! We are hookers! Want to have some fun?"  One of the male parrots said to the other, "Put down those beads! Our prayers have been answered!"

How did Hellen Keller meet her husband?
It was a BLIND date.

Why do they boil water when a baby is born?
So they can make soup if it is stillborn.


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## MegaMew (Nov 25, 2014)

I heard one about jonestown, but the punchline was too long.


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## Pine (Nov 28, 2014)

I love my women like I love my coffee: ground up and in the freezer.


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## MegaMew (Dec 2, 2014)

Why do Jews havehave such big noses? Cause air is free.


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## Evan of Phrygia (Dec 2, 2014)

I'm a belt collector. My dad lets me keep every belt he beats me with. I've got quite a collection!


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## Kit H. Ruppell (Dec 3, 2014)

What's the motto of Ferguson's police department?
"Terminate with extreme prejudice"


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## Ayattar (Dec 3, 2014)

Why everyone loves show?
Because it's white

Well, then it's no wonder that we burn coal...


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## Evan of Phrygia (Dec 3, 2014)

people call it race because it's the only one a white man could win


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## Llamapotamus (Dec 4, 2014)

Kit H. Ruppell said:


> What's the motto of Ferguson's police department?
> "Terminate with extreme prejudice"



You only had to greet Hitler with one hand raised, so you know the Ferguson police are literally twice as bad as Hitler. :V


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## Spelunkadunk (Dec 4, 2014)

So there are these three vampires walking down the street...  they come across this vampire only bar and are all like sure lets check this place out.  They go in and the place looks great so they decide to sit at the bar and have a drink.  They all sit next to each other and the bartender walks up and asks the first vampire "What can I get ya sir?".  The first vampire looks at him and replies "I will take a cup of blood".  So he bartender pours him out a cup of blood then hands it to the first vampire and moves over to the second vampire "And what would you like?".  The second vampire replies "I will also have cup of blood" again the bartender pours out a cup of blood and hands it to the second vampire.  Then without asking he just grabs a glass and starts pouring out a third cup of blood.  The third vampire looks and him and sais "Whoa dude wtf are you doing?".  The bartender looks at him kind of shocked and replies "Oh I am sorry I thought you were having a drink with your friends".  The third vampire looks at him again and sais "Nah fuck that just get me a used tampon and some hot water... Its Tea Time"


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## Ayattar (Jan 1, 2015)

What happens to the smoker's lungs when they become black from smoking?


They stop working!


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## Coluth (Jan 2, 2015)

So a Penguin is driving his car one day, when suddenly the engine starts making a lot of noise. So the penguin pulls into a service station and asks the mechanic to look at his car. The mechanic says "Alright, but it'll take an hour." The penguin a little mad looks around and spots an ice cream shop and replies to the mechanic "That's not a problem. I see there's an ice cream shop, I love ice cream. I'll go over there and wait." And off he went. The penguin had the time of his life in the ice cream shop. An hour passed very quickly. He got up and walked over to the mechanic and asked "So what's wrong with my car?" The mechanic looked at him and said "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wiped his face and said "No! It's just ice cream!"


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## dirtypaws (Jan 3, 2015)

So a mommy ketchup, a daddy ketchup, and a baby ketchup are walking along, and the baby ketchup is falling behind. the daddy ketchup turns to the baby ketchup and sa--

fuck

i fucked that up. i'm so sorry i ruined it


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## The 9/11 of People (Jan 4, 2015)

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream when it's in the oven.


Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Jewish women won't touch anything that's less than 20% off.


They used to call it a jumpoline until your mom got on it.


Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?
It wasn't born yesterday!


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## NightWolf (Jan 5, 2015)

I would tell a Casey Anthony joke, but my mom would kill me

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until he's 13. 

What is the worst thing about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.


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## Crunchy_Bat (Jan 5, 2015)

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eyedeer

How about a deer with no legs and no eyes?

Still no eyedeer

how bout one with no eyes no legs and no genitals?

Still no fucking eyedeer.

budum pshhh


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## ~Jester (Jan 7, 2015)

If abortion is considered murder then swallowing should be considered cannibalism.


----------



## Crunchy_Bat (Jan 8, 2015)

Whats harder than watching a dead baby being nailed to a tree?



My dick as i'm nailing it...


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## -Sliqq- (Jan 8, 2015)

What did one guy say to the other?

"Fuck you"


----------



## Crunchy_Bat (Jan 8, 2015)

A jew a muslim, and a black guy walk into a bar

It hurt


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## shamanate (Jan 8, 2015)

Whats the only difference between a pickup truck full of dead babies and a pickup truck full of bowling balls?


...I can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork

(I hate these jokes but I know so many x3)


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## Crunchy_Bat (Jan 8, 2015)

What is more terrifying than a pile of dead babies? The one at the bottom eating its way out.


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## MegaMew (Jan 8, 2015)

So a man and a boy walks out into the forest.
The boy said "I'm scared, its dark" To the man
The man looked at him and said "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."


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## shamanate (Jan 8, 2015)

Whats the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead babies? My erection.


This one isn't that -fucked up- but its my favorite joke ever!

Why wasn't baby jesus born in Wisconsin? (Where I'm from) Because they couldn't find 3 wise men, or a virgin!


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## And (Jan 8, 2015)

Crunchy_Bat said:


> What do you call a deer with no eyes?
> 
> No eyedeer


What do you call an elephant crossed with a rhino?

...wait, so this is no holds barred?

Why do Indians hate snow? Because it's white and it's on their land.
Why do Indians hate Tylenol? Because it's white and it works.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture.
Why was Jesus bad at hockey? He kept getting nailed to the boards.
What's the difference between a Jew and Santa Claus? Santa goes down the chimney.
How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen? Three in the back, two in the front and fifty in the ashtray.
...that's enough about the Jewish jokes though, my grandfather died in a concentration camp... he fell out of the watchtower. 

It's all in good fun, though. Some of my best friends are native, christian or catholic. I don't know any Jewish people, but I don't have any grudges.


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## DrDingo (Jan 8, 2015)

Two Latvian look at clouds.
One see potato. Other see impossible dream.
Is same cloud.


Two Latvian look at sun. Is not sun, but nuclear reactor meltdown. Latvian happy because maybe now warm enough to plant potato.


One day, hear knock on door.
Man ask "Who is?"
"Is potato man, I come around to give free potato"
Man is very excite and opens door.
Is not potato man, is secret police.


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## jtrekkie (Jan 8, 2015)

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "I have good news and I have bad news. First the bad news: Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine." "Oh my God" says Mr. Jones. "Will she ever recover?"
"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her. Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails. The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter. Of course, you must clean her immediately to avoid bedsores."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to withe off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder, and says "I also have some good news"
"What could possibly be good about this!" Wails Mr. Jones
Dr. Smith: "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."


----------



## Crunchy_Bat (Jan 9, 2015)

Latvian Potato Joke:

Latvian man hear knock on door, he ask "who is?" Man on door say "Is potato man, To give all good Latvian man potato" Man is VERY excite. Open doors, but not potato man , was secret police


----------



## FoxFeathers (Jan 9, 2015)

Little Tyrone goes to school one day, and tries making some friends. Unfortunately, the children seem to avoid him, and he is unsuccessful. Upon arriving home Tyrone says to his mum; "Mummy, why won't the kids at school be my friend?" His mother replies; "Unfortunately son, it's because you are black."
So the next day, Tyrone simply tries to join in on the other children's game at lunchtime, but they quickly move somewhere else, and refuse to let him play. Upon arriving home again, he says to his mum; "Mummy, why won't the kids at school let me play with them?" His mother replies; "Unfortunately son, it's because you are black."
So on the third day, the children have PE class, which is followed by a shower session, during which Tyrone notices something very interesting. Upon arriving home, he says to his mum; "Mummy, in the showers today, I noticed that my peepee is much bigger than the other kids' peepees. Why is that?" His mother replies; "Son, it's because you are thirty-four."

Also, I was going to tell a gay joke, butt fuck it.


----------



## Kane01 (Jan 9, 2015)

This woman working at a pleasure house (sex) when she heard the door bell. When she answered there was a man there with no arms or legs.

"I'm here for pleasure." said the man

The Woman started laughing. "How can you be here for pleasure, you have no arms or legs."

The man replied " I rang the Doorbell, didn't I?"


----------



## Shirokage (Jan 11, 2015)

What's the best thing about dating twenty nine year olds?

There's twenty of them.


----------



## N30Nphoenix (Jan 12, 2015)

What's red and runs up your leg?

a homesick abortion.

Why didn't Timmy ride his bike to school today?

he had his legs amputated he'll never ride his bike again.

Jesus fed 2000 people with 5 loafs of bread and 2 fish but Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.


----------



## woofywolvez (Jan 13, 2015)

So there were these 2 hobos who were separated for the longest time since one took an eastbound and the other found a westbound train to travel on, and they finally met up again.  When they asked each other of their latest exploits, the first had a wonderfultale of how he found a suitcase containing $700 and how he was able to get all the drugs and hotel nights and full meals he wanted for over 2 months.  The other was impressed, but had a wonderful story of his own: "So I was able to save this hot chick from being tied to the rails, and se was so grateful we had sex for 8 hours, it was great!"

"Oh my, that sure does sound wonderful! Did you manage to get some head too?"

"Nah, I never did find her head..."


----------



## Kit H. Ruppell (Jan 13, 2015)

What do you call a fox with a runny nose?

Full.


----------



## Reaginicwolf (Jan 14, 2015)

How do you fit one hundred dead babies in a elevator with a blender.

why did the dead baby cross the road? it didn't because its a dead baby.

how many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb? zero because they're all dead 

dead babies people, I swear you can find them in the tolets at your local prom.


----------



## CaptainCool (Jan 14, 2015)

A desperate guy went to a brothel. He didn't have a lot of money, all the young and beautiful women were way too expensive. All he could afford was this 70 years old prostitute. But since he was so desperate they went to her room anyway.
Getting it up was tough, but getting it in was even tougher. It was really uncomfortable and felt rough at first.
But then, slowly but surely it started to feel amazing!
When he was done he said: "This was amazing! It felt so dry and rough at first but then it turned into the best sex I've ever had! How did you do that?!"
The old prostitute replied with a smile: "Oh sonny, that's really simple! _Where there is scab there is pus_!"


----------



## Dr Zhark (Jan 17, 2015)

What makes wood and Jews the same

They burn easy in a gas furnace.


----------



## CrazyTundraWolf (Jan 27, 2015)

Ok I'll bite , my friend thought of this one though
What's the difference between harry potter and a Jew?
Harry escaped the chamber
I feel like a terrible human being


----------



## Pyper (Jan 27, 2015)

I always get kind of upset at my mom on my birthday because she never tells me Happy Birthday anymore. Honestly, she hasn't talked to me at all any in over 10 years but I guess I will let it slide with the fact that she is dead.


----------



## Kookyfox (Jan 28, 2015)

What's the difference between a vagina and a swimming pool?

There's none:
You can piss in both as long as you don't tell it.


----------



## Samandriel Morningstar (Feb 1, 2015)

What did the Elephant say to the naked man?
_How do you breath out of that little thing?_


----------

