# Story: Dreamscape



## Oddeye (Jul 8, 2008)

Sorry, but I need to post this, and I can't wait untill FA is up and running again. I guess it'll give you the opputunity to criticize it, if you want to. It's not furry (much), but hope it's okay, if not, i'll remove it.
Anyway, part one.

Dreamscape
1 - Mechanical

Is she sleeping now? Her breath is deep and calm, she must be. I sit up, watching her little movements. She's dreaming, I think. "Yazz?" No response but a weak movement of her tail. She is sleeping. I lower my head, kissing her cheek, her warm furred cheek, before I get up and out of bed. Look at her once more, just to make sure she's not waking, and secretly to keep a picture of her in my mind. I never know when I'll see her pretty face again. Then I leave the room.
"Vap?" Where's that... The puppy like creature trots to my side, wagging slowly, insecure, maybe. "I'll be off in a moment, kay?" The pup wags a little more, sits. "You can't come this time, so I..." The Creature looks sad, whimpering. I kneel down to pat it, trying to explain. "They won't even allow Akuma to come, so I want you to take care of Yazz and Ozzi 'till I get back." The puppy whines, licking my hand. I really don't want to leave it here, not like that, but I have to. I stroke its head, smiling a bit, while the pup wags sadly, begging with big eyes to come along. I rise, standing for a moment and look at it, then walk to the door to Ozzi's room. I look inside, finding my - son lying on a blanket, curled up like only kittens can. I should probably move him to his bed, but the chance is that he will awaken, and ask what I'm doing. A silent sigh escapes me as I close the door. Vap is trying to comfort me, emitting warmth and a feeling of love. Then it all fades to shiny white, and I arrive at the Government.
How I hate this clean, white, sparkling place. Mind you, I do not -hate- the Government, only when there's more than one of them, and they got rods, straps or other - disciplining equipment. 
'Hello, Tanshin.' I turn around, all attention focused on the lizard like insectoid. "Hello..." Don't use that name don't use that name don't 'We got a new job for you, but this time you will be working with one of our trainees, who will be your responsibility, and therefore it will be your fault, if he is killed, Tanshin.' I nod, agreeing in every one of his words, unable to do otherwise. He seems to smirk, but I don't know, hard to tell with insectoids. "So, any equipment? Weapons, cloaks, food?" Again this weird feeling of him... her... it smiling, mocking me behind the stiffened face. 'No, no weapons, no cloaks, and you'll have plenty of money to buy food. your only equipment needed is this.' It hands over a small, blue plastic card, perfected with name and photo. "A driver's licence? But if I don't have a car, then why should I have a driver's licence?" I look at it, feeling puzzled, if not confused. 'You need it.' And with those word, I'm lead through the great, white, shiny doors into another, smaller, room. 
Another member of the Government with a boy beside her. She nods at me, a silent greeting. I've never seen her before. Then she leaves me alone with this apprentice. I take a prober look at him, and almost choke from taking a halfbreath. The boy looks, or tries to look like me!! He is all smiles, seems happy as can be. Like a little kid, who's just seen his biggest hero in the flesh. ... Oh my... 
"I can believe it's you!! I never thought I should work with you, or even see you again, it's like - my biggest dream ever!!" He trots near me, looking at me with big brown eyes and a giant smile, his dyed black and red hair a true copy of mine some years back. I step back, avoiding his trying touches at my stomach,  confused and, I shouldn't even admit this to myself, scared of this kid. "Stop." I look angrily at him, hiding my confusion behind the flickering rage building up. He freezes, looks a little frightened at me. "Sit down." "But, Sir, there's no chair" "Sit." My anger must be showed clearly in my eyes, because the kid just sits down, looking at me with admiration glowing in his eyes. I sigh, take a better look at him. He seems to be a older than Ozzi, probably twelve or thirteen, but still looks like a mere child. He doesn't look like a servant, more like... "You're a Chosen?" He nods, blinking with each nod. Hell. Another violent wave of rage, almost blinding me this time. Not because of him, but... I focus on the boy. He'd be handsome in a couple of years, strong even, but now he's more likely to slow me down. He doesn't have a magical aura, he isn't strong, smart; the Government must have made a mistake, and a big one. And that must be why they're trying to wipe him off on me. Another rage wave. I feel like throwing up, my head humming. "I'm sorry, Sir, but are you all right?" The kid pulls the sleeve of my shirt, looking worried and fascinated at the same time. I sigh again, patting his head a little. He smiles happily, his eyes once again shining with joy. 

"So I saved your world from a giant bird 'of Doom' some years ago, and since then you wanted to be like me?" I look tired at the kid, resting my head on my knees. We're sitting against the wall, still trying to get to know each other before we have to fight together. "Yes, Sir, and when the Government asked me to be one of their Chosens, I thought I'd be meeting you, Sir, but you..." "No, I'm not like you, thank Goodness." I scratch my knee a little. "But, Sir, then how could you save the world?" My brain seems to twist, the pain shooting from the back of my head like the still smaller waves of anger. Why do I keep getting the hopeless ones with no future in this business. He has nothing but his family line and a couple of years with a little training and a lot of spare time. He'd shown me his sword, a rather large, but quite unhandy thing made of frail metals. It wouldn't save him in a battle, not even if he hid behind it. He had never learned how to handle weapons, didn't know anything about magic, knew about three languages, one of them only in writing. My head hurts.
"Sir, you're looking sick again..." I look tiredly at him, wanting more than anything else to sleep in my own bed right now. His eyes is still shining with fascination, not as much with worry as the last time. "Let's make a deal, kiddo. When we get to that world, you go dye your hair any other colour than black'n'red, and I'll ask for your name." Sururrians hate names, they're too hard to remember. I must be a typical Sururrian. The boy blinks, looking confused for a moment. "If... If you tell me your name too, Sir." I nod slowly, again wishing me back in bed with Yazz, missing her little sleeping sounds, her smell, her "Okay. I'll dye my hair first thing when we arrive." I glare at him, not quite of what he's talking about. Reality comes back slowly, though I still want to go back. "Oh, yeah. Your name?" He tilts his head, seems to wonder. "Kele." I try to get the pronunciation, repeating the name to myself a couple of times, then look up again. "I don't care of what you have heard from Them, but the only thing you should call me is Kai, not sir, not anything but that, at least not now, when you know my name. And," I cut him of, leaving him opening and closing his mouth two or three times before he just closes it, watching. "And let's get something straight. I'm older and stronger than you, I have the responsibility to make sure you survive, therefore you just shut up and listen, and do as I tell you to. If you don't, I will kick your butt, and you don't want your butt to be kicked by me." My rant is followed by an awkward silence, him trying to remember my little rules, probably, and me just sitting, fighting my headache. 
After a minute or so the female enters the room. 'Hopefully you're ready now.' She smiles at me, still like she knows me. The kid rises to his feet, brushes his pants clean, probably out of habit, and walks towards her, smiling sweetly. I get to my feet, feeling all too tired, all to ill to keep on. "Bah..." Pushing myself past the female and the kid I wonder what kind of place I'm going to work this time. A place of material probably, the kid shouldn't be all too confused or insecure. Shouldn't kill him just to arrive. The female calls my name, handing over a small note and a wallet, before asking if I want to change my clothes now, or wait 'till I arrive. I shrug my shoulders, but follows her and the boy into a changing room with various kinds of clothing. She points out the shelves and hangers, where the cloth matching the world is, then leaves us once again. Kele is already building a pile of cloth he wants, I just want something less - grey It doesn't seem to be a familiar colour to the people in that world, at least not from the looks at the hangers. Pink, that's a different matter. 
"Ready...?" Sun~ How long can he be... "Almost, just a minute." ARGH!!! "You know, somewhere a world is suffering because of you." "Mmkay." Can I please smash my head against the closest concrete wall?!! I pull my black jeans like pants up a little. Nothing fancy about the cloth I chose, a dark green T-shirt and a denimish jacket, the pants and a pair of old tennis shoes someone must have left. "Finished?" "Just a sec." And I could have saved a world -and- crashed a car by now... "Done!" He steps out from behind the curtain, smiles broadly at me, while I, well, choke. "Have you lost your mind??! Did the colour chemicals in that shirt make your brain blow a fuse?!!!" He was what most would call, uhm, colourful. Colourful is a good word. Yes. Lunatic is the word any Guardian would use, though. "You are not going anywhere in clothes that will get you killed." "But these aren't getting me killed!!" He raises his brows, looking down at the pink t-shirt, yellow pants and very green shoes. "Okay, but you will get seen by pretty much everybody, and will be recognized by at least that many." "Fine!" He turns away, and... Wait, did that little punk just stick out his tongue at me? Oh, I... At least he seem to be changing his clothes.

And everybody look quite annoyed, just because of that kid. That will probably not earn me any bonus points... But at some point I won. He doesn't look like a little sun of rainbows any more. 
And off. White flicker, more white flicker, and then- MY EYES! Blinded by intense colours, the next sensation is sound, a singing tune of magic from everywhere, the sweet scent of it too, the taste of it on my tongue, the sharp pain of stings in my skin. I feel out of touch with the surroundings, everything just screaming at me, punishing me for being here. Slowly the pressure against my being fades as my body adjusts to the world. The first thing returning is my sense of feeling. The sharp stinging pain fades to a cold, hard pressure against my arm and side, later my legs and knees. The taste is replaced by the taste of clean air, also filling my lunges through my nose, the scent almost gone. The sound has faded, is now nothing more than a distant, but insisting, humming. I'm still feeling groggy, but I take my time, letting the rest of the senses come back before opening my eyes. The colours are a vague imitation of the ones I saw, but it still is very much like stepping inside a rainbow. Probably not as damp, but the colours are just as creative right now. I sit up, looking at the pavement. It's a deep purple. And sparkles a little. "N'tha tdorry, but are you okay?" I look up at a female devil, a well-dressed succubus maybe, or for that species, overdressed. Behind her a couple of other creatures have gathered alongside my sidekick. Some of them is dressed in strong colours, but most as sensible as me. I smile at them, taking a glance at the kid. "I'm fine, thank you. Sorry for scaring you all." I get on my feet, smile again and turn, wandering past an old golden half-dragon, followed by the boy a few seconds later. He soon catches up with me, fails an attempt to stop me and then just tries his best at following my trot. "Sir!!" I turn on my heel, the sound of magic strong for a moment. Strong enough to make me realize the artefactual tone. This is not natural... "Sir, what have..." He stops, trying to catch his breath. "What is it..." The metallic noise in the melody is tiring, so much and so... I don't know. "Sir, Kai... Why do you look like that? And.... What did she say? I don't understand..." I Look down at my hands, accepting the little changes. "It's normal. You need to learn more languages, if you want to work at the Government. But if I have to be honest..." I turn, beginning to trot down the street again. He follows, keeping quite. I can't say how, but soon after we manage to find a, what is it called, mall. The kid seems to be more at home in such a place, and my only job is to act like a interpreter and, of course, being the one paying.
His hyper active personality is taking over again, as we begin the search for a place to stay. On the little note that was handed over to me earlier the mission is written down. Information about targets, addresses to relevant personages and the like, and even a little list of places to go, if we might need help, the latter written in another handwriting, so probably not the work of one of the real members.. Anyway, the search is endless, my new - friend a bit too, uhm, particular, demanding at least four stars, and his own room. As the day seems to fade away, we haven't found anything in the liking of the kid. My headache is overwhelming, I feel sick and tired of this job. And Kele is just talking and talking and talking and talking... I yawn, looking around the still busy block. All these buzzing voices, the cell phones, the sound of artefactual magic, cars, flying machines, stronger manipulations of magic. 
A gun shot silences all of it. 

R/R


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## Zophia (Jul 8, 2008)

Yaih, you've written more to it!
Still want you to finish it though. If you don't intend on just stopping there.
Stupid kid...


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## Oddeye (Jul 8, 2008)

What do you think, then??
And, I'm not planning to write more to -that-, love.
Who?


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## Zophia (Jul 8, 2008)

I wanna correct the minor errors, but it's well written. Flows most of the way. You -have- done better, though.
Hence the 1?
... Kele?


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## twilightiger (Jul 8, 2008)

Okay. To start with, first person narratives follow a completely different set of grammatical rules than third person ones. What that means is that you need to use past tenses more than present ones, since the perspective is limited to the main character's point of view, and once an event is observed it has already happened.

Take your first sentence for example.

Is she sleeping now? Her breath is deep and calm, she must be.

There's no indication of ownership in this sentence, let alone anything to indicate that its actually occuring in the first person. This makes it an abstraction of thought, since its not until you use the pronoun 'I' in your second sentence that the point of view actually becomes grounded. As it stands too many things can be inferred incorrectly from this sentence the way it is. To correct it, you need to place emphasis on the "Is she sleeping now?" Italics can be useful in this situation since they can differentiate thoughts from speech without the use of qoutation marks. To further reinforce the perspective and indicate the narrative is in fact first person the rest of the sentence should read. Her breath 'was' deep and calm, 'so' she must be. This removes the abstraction by turning the sentence into a logical thought and allows the reader a bit of insight into the main characters state of mind. The idea presented being that he is actually answering his own question. 

The next issue that needs resolving is your paragraph structure. Again the composition involved in first person is completely different from third person. So what you have a lot of are run on paragraphs. You've taken multiple thoughts that should actually be seperated into multiple paragraphs and crammed them together into one long paragraph. 

Then I leave the room. The problem here is that not only is this a sentence fragment it fails to indicate direction. It begs the questions, where was this character in the first place, where are they even going? Your scene suddenly transitions without giving us any indications of what exactly is going on.

There are also a lot of instances of seperated ideas. Remember, adjectives that modify a single predicate should never be seperated by a comma, it only serves to turn them into seperate ideas and creates an unnecessary pause.

Your story could work, but you need to focus on learning proper composition. On the whole it feels overly cluttered and the times when the opportunity comes to provide actual exposition you have a tendency to omit necessary details.


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## Oddeye (Jul 9, 2008)

*looks at Twiligth's reply*
Well, I really hate writing in 1.person, which should be easy to tell. I think it's hard, and seeing your answer I, well, consider rewriting in 3. person instead. I don't think i know enough of the english language to write like that, and my style of writing doesn't fit this way of writing. I'm not giving up, though. So thank you very much for taking the time to read and analyze the chapter, and I'll do my very best to make it better, if not by rewriting, then by following your advice when I start the next chapter. 



Zoph, dear, the 1 is the chapter number.


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## Zophia (Jul 9, 2008)

I know that????
I was, implying that you intend to write a 2??

And congrats on the critique.


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## Oddeye (Jul 9, 2008)

I'm sorry then, love. I do intend to write more chapters, but how and when it's going to happen is unknown:*


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## TÃ¦farÃ³s (Jul 13, 2008)

Not to sound like a (insert here), but could you break up the paragraphs? Pretty pretty pweeze? I'm sure I can nitpick all you want after that.


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## Oddeye (Jul 13, 2008)

Sure, still working a little on it, and I don't think i'm finished with that chapter, so before uploading, it will probably be better.


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## ScottyDM (Jul 14, 2008)

TÃ¦farÃ³s said:


> Not to sound like a (insert here), but could you break up the paragraphs? Pretty pretty pweeze? I'm sure I can nitpick all you want after that.


I second the motion.

It's only a nit, and it's me, but a huge block of text is intimidating and I don't feel like getting into it. I did read a couple of inches and I see you have paragraphs and they seem to be in the right places, but without some kind of formatting to show the paragraphs it's too dang hard. Maybe you could do a search for 1 new-line and replace with 2 new-lines before you copy/paste to the forum.

Thanks!

Scotty


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