# feeling distressed over my fursona...and depression



## Moonie (Apr 21, 2013)

I've been a furry, more or less, for the last 14 or so years. Surely it started out as just drawing human girls with cat ears and tails, before going full-fur. Ten years ago I started really posting my art online, and I had a fursona that I was very happy with that I'd spent several years developing. It turned out to resemble a more popular artist's fursona, and both her and her fan and the community's reaction in general was pretty bad. I received death threats and had people stalking me and giving me personal details that no one should've known but me. It was all pretty scary for my 15 year old self who was also suicidal, going through my parents' divorce and other family drama and deaths, and going through depression (still struggling today, but at least my life is more stable now). I was even accused of stealing her name (a Japanese word).

Then I gave in and redesigned my fursona, but it wasn't enough to the people who were upset with me. A friend then gave me a different enough design that I used for a little while until I came up with something completely different. For a little while I used this final design that was so far removed from what she used to be that I started to feel like it wasn't me anymore. All these events and the things going on in my life (which culminated in flunking out of high school, just for starters) made me stop drawing. It's been a good 8 years since I last drew anything. Once a year or so I'll make an attempt to draw, but I struggle with it for many reasons. I can't draw as well or as quickly as I used to. What little talent I'd managed to earn through constant drawing has dwindled away. I can occasionally still draw something decent, but it's maybe 1 in 10 attempts that something isn't so bad. I get frustrated and more depressed because of that, though I try to ignore it and carry on.

I also get really anxious and it's a hard feeling to pin down with words. The best way I can describe it is that I'm so scared of thinking up "original" designs because I'm sure it's been done before and I'll get what I got back in 2004, that maybe someone will actually come and kill me like so many people threatened to because in their eyes I "stole" my fursona's design. I even used to enjoy writing fanfics as well as many original story ideas that I had hoped to expand to novel-length and have published, but that's fallen by the wayside, too, because I'm afraid to put myself out there and be told it's been done (and worse, of course). It's crippling. I want to reclaim my fursona, my drawing, my writing, my ideas...my imagination, but I don't know how to get over this fear. I've tried doing some sketches lately, but I keep asking my friends what they think, asking them for ideas, afraid to come up with anything myself directly.

I have actually started to be kind of happy with the design I have going, but today this overwhelming depression has hit me, along with fear and uncertainty. I don't know what to do. I look at her and it feels like something is wrong, like she isn't the way she's supposed to be, like I'm going to get it if I ever think of posting my art of her anywhere.

I'm sorry for typing so much, but if you've read this far and are still here...thank you. I have a few pictures to show, if you'd like to see.









Sorry, this one was drawn on one of my class syllabi. Also wondering if I want to give her real wings or not...she used to only have a wing tattoo/mark on her back, and any wings were just a style choice for that particular drawing. Her species isn't anything specific, though almost entirely feline with my own modifications based on personal preference. She used to have a long lion-style tail with a hair puff on the end that matched her hair, for example. The long fluffy tail really appeals to me now.







With these last two, I just laid down some rough colors transparently over one of my sketches. My fursona has always had about this color of purple fur with black markings. She also always had lavender hair, later with black tips. Many of my current friends say they like the black hair, while only one still likes the lavender hair. The bright colors streaks were just something I added in for fun, and may or may not keep. Back when I was attacked over her design, she also used to have a white face that extended down onto her neck and collarbone area. Her markings on here are different than they've ever been, though her having black-tipped ears hasn't changed too much. The white crescent-moons on the backs of her ears are new. I haven't figured out what else to have on her body, or if I even like these markings she has now. A long time ago she used to have black lines on her face not TOO different from the black streaks Cheetahs have, just more jaggedly shaped and it framed her white face. I like the little curly things I have under her eyes now, instead, but I'm also unsure about them. She also always had black "boots and socks" minus the very tips of her fingers and toes, which were purple. I don't know if I want to do this again or not.

I'm just at a complete loss.




This is a lovely template I found by Ajna on FA. Even if it's not quite right (I have a much poofier tail, longer ears, no side-of-face fluff, and actual hair, for example) but it's enough to lay colors down on a body to figure out what I want without having to go through the frustration of trying to draw a body and realizing how much I've lost in drawing ability. As you can see...I'm just stuck. I put in what little I've come up with and filled in her arms to show the glove style I used to always have, and then I stopped. I don't know how to proceed. I don't know if I even like some of the stuff I've done to her. I don't even know if she looks any good at all.

I don't even know what her name should be anymore.

Is there something wrong with me?  I just want help, but I don't even know what help I want or need.


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## HonorFennec (Apr 21, 2013)

-Hugs- <3 ^^


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## HonorFennec (Apr 21, 2013)

I wanted to hug you right off the bat from reading into this a little, now that ive fully read it, i am at fking discust with all that have been torments by those who act like some one is a king or queen sent out to do their dirty work. Sorry for the foul language but if i were with you at the time i would of lost my sanity to how people treated you. I want you to reclaim your fursona back and reclaim your love for art, people that pull that shit are no good for nothing bastards w/o a fucking spine.... Sorry again but im outright pissed off knowing these people exist. -_-


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## Moonie (Apr 21, 2013)

HonorFennec said:


> I wanted to hug you right off the bat from reading into this a little, now that ive fully read it, i am at fking discust with all that have been torments by those who act like some one is a king or queen sent out to do their dirty work. Sorry for the foul language but if i were with you at the time i would of lost my sanity to how people treated you. I want you to reclaim your fursona back and reclaim your love for art, people that pull that shit are no good for nothing bastards w/o a fucking spine.... Sorry again but im outright pissed off knowing these people exist. -_-


Thank you for the hug. T_T

I messaged the person whose design I was accused of ripping off a couple years ago, and she had to struggle to remember me. She apologized, though I'm not sure how genuine it was. However, she admitted that she now realizes she was a bitch, and that she did that to several people...which confirms rumors that I heard around the time it happened to me. There was at least one other person I heard of who disappeared off the face of the internet when she was accused of stealing from her (and it was just a simple white feline with blue eyes, of all things generic).

I had a stalker for years who took it upon herself to visit my art page every single day (I could tell due to the visitor box showing the most recent visitors). She would comment on every single piece of my art that she could manage to find some obscure piece of art from the internet that remotely resembled mine just to say I ripped it off of someone else. It didn't matter if it was the pose or what, she would manage to do it, and would harass me often in IM and PM. This was another major contributing reason to my growing depression and my decreased time spent drawing, until I just didn't draw at all.

It's funny how pain and memories can burn in your mind forever, but you're just nothing to the people who did it to you. They don't even remember how they left you broken.

And here I am still struggling to cope 9 years later.


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## HonorFennec (Apr 21, 2013)

Tell me whos these people are so I may add them to artists beware ok? my Fa is Oreofen you can addme if you like, idlike to watch over you and bring you back and your love for art. <3


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## Toshabi (Apr 21, 2013)

Moonie said:


> I've been a furry, more or less, for the last 14 or so years. Surely it started out as just drawing human girls with cat ears and tails, before going full-fur. Ten years ago I started really posting my art online, and I had a fursona that I was very happy with that I'd spent several years developing. It turned out to resemble a more popular artist's fursona, and both her and her fan and the community's reaction in general was pretty bad. I received death threats and had people stalking me and giving me personal details that no one should've known but me. It was all pretty scary for my 15 year old self who was also suicidal, going through my parents' divorce and other family drama and deaths, and going through depression (still struggling today, but at least my life is more stable now). I was even accused of stealing her name (a Japanese word).
> 
> Then I gave in and redesigned my fursona, but it wasn't enough to the people who were upset with me. A friend then gave me a different enough design that I used for a little while until I came up with something completely different. For a little while I used this final design that was so far removed from what she used to be that I started to feel like it wasn't me anymore. All these events and the things going on in my life (which culminated in flunking out of high school, just for starters) made me stop drawing. It's been a good 8 years since I last drew anything. Once a year or so I'll make an attempt to draw, but I struggle with it for many reasons. I can't draw as well or as quickly as I used to. What little talent I'd managed to earn through constant drawing has dwindled away. I can occasionally still draw something decent, but it's maybe 1 in 10 attempts that something isn't so bad. I get frustrated and more depressed because of that, though I try to ignore it and carry on.
> 
> ...





The furfag fandom isn't worth this much drama and trouble.




With that said, the designs are relatively nice and the color scheme isn't too in your face. Keep the wings on, I suppose. They add a nice touch to the overall look and feel of the character.


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## benignBiotic (Apr 21, 2013)

Death threats over a fursona? That is -*sad*- 

I like the top two sketches most. Those are super expressive ears. Lol at the drawing on your school syllabus.


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## Summer (Apr 21, 2013)

I like where you are taking this design. May I suggest that you add the same markings on the legs and lower body as you have on the arms and upper body?. 

No, there's not something wrong with you because you accidently had the same ideas as someone else.
As for the people who threatened you, that wouldn't even be appropriote if you did steal their design/ideas. This is terrible and they should be ashamed of themselves. 
People should understand that on the internet, it is possible for someone to have same ideas as they do. Especially when dealing with some common and popular ideas. Some species are more common/popular then others.


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## Khopesh (Apr 21, 2013)

Oh man that is a really _really _cute fursona. Don't scrap it or anything like that. If people are really _that_ offended at you for coming up with the "same" idea as another artist completely independently, well, they seriously have no life or anything worth merit. I mean, there's 6 billion people on this planet. Over 100 billion people have lived. There's going to be some overlap in art ideas and designs. That doesn't mean that it's stolen. It just means that two completely different backgrounds have produced somewhat similar ways of thinking. The fact that you can sit down and let your energy flow into a design should be enough to please them. Don't quit making art and doing what you do.


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## HereKittyKitty (Apr 21, 2013)

It makes me terribly sad to see how mean and disrespectful some people can be, especially when they have the mask of the internet to hide them. Ideas are in short supply as is, with the number of people in the world there is bound to be some overlap. That artist who accused you of stealing her work needed to stop focusing on herself and start understanding that coincidences are a thing. Hell, if the world worked on her logic, then there would be hardly any movies, books, or video games as most of them have "ripped off" the original hero's journey. It's ridiculous.

You should never ever be made to feel bad about what you feel is "you". If you love art, then draw. If you identify as an adorable purple feline, then that should be your fursona. Personally, I really love the first two looks. The ears are fabulous. I also really like the black hair, as it makes the color streaks really pop. But this is your 'sona, so it should be your vision. 

One last thing. If you're feeling depressed or suicidal, please please please talk to someone (hooray if you already are). Depression is an awful thing to have to go through and I'd hate to imagine you going through it alone. There are a lot of people and organizations in the world that know what depression is and how to start recovering from it. Hopefully one day, I'll get to be one of those people, but for now I hope that you'll get to put all this behind you and live a long happy life.

Best of luck.


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## Moonie (Apr 22, 2013)

Thank you to everyone who has responded. It really means a lot to me to hear from all of you and know that there are kind and sane people in the world.

I don't feel it's necessary to call out the people by name since it won't do any good to put their names out there and possibly stir up trouble after all this time. I don't know if either of the two main people are still acting that way today, but it's not worth causing new drama. I want to let this all go, but it's so hard to do so. I even feel uncomfortable just telling my story like this because I'm afraid someone will remember because they were there and it'll start again.

I want more than anything to start drawing again and to reclaim my fursona. I don't want her to be what she originally was because the memory is tarnished, but also because I feel I've grown considerably when it comes to character design as well as my own personal tastes having grown and changed...that's not to say I'm *good* at character design, but I digress. I've stepped away from anything creative for so long that I find it hard to come up with anything, but looking through furaffinity galleries has given me a lot of inspiration. I always loved the things the furry community came up with partially because it's not as limited as it can be with human art. There's only so many ways a human can be different from another visually, but furries have all but endless possibilities. Even if I don't really like everything to do with furries or being a furry, I still loved it. I found a couple really good friends from this community, and it made me equally sad to be ostracized from it so many years ago. It was upsetting to admire so many wonderful artists who came to comment for the first (and only) time just to say how disgusted they were with me, and worse. It was never the same. What little joy I had in posting my art online and drawing at all died...I just want it back.

My fursona...thank you all for the little comments and suggestions. Most of my friends like the black hair as well, and while her hair has always been lavender, a change might be really nice. I like how she looks with black hair. I am reconsidering her markings and have several ideas that I hope to have time to try out soon. College keeps me pretty busy these days. If I come up with anything, I'll be sure to come back and post things here for you guys to see.  I would love feedback.

Again, thank you so much to all of you. <3


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## Summer (Apr 22, 2013)

Mine has gone away too before for other reasons then yours. It was very difficult for me to come back into art-work again, I guess I did it because I had to. 
I'm not sure what exactly your original design was, it sounds like at least making some changes are for the best.


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