# The Critique Thread - Post requests for crits here!



## Poetigress (Dec 7, 2007)

This is a thread for those who want critiques of their written work to post links to particular stories/poems/whatever on FA, in hopes that others will offer constructive criticism.

*In your post, please provide*

the title of the work
a brief summary/description (so prospective critters know whether it's something they're interested in)
any content advisories (adult language, sexual content, etc.)
what type of crit you're looking for (just grammar and spelling, or anything, or any particular questions/concerns you'd like the critter to address)
the link to the work on FA

*Please note: If you list works for crit in this thread, you need to crit at least 2 other works from this thread. Also, don't post your critiques in this thread; post them as comments to the person's submission on FA.*

If you need help figuring out how to critique effectively, try these links:

How to Critique Fiction

How to Cope With Critiquing (from both the critiquer's and author's perspectives)

It's Not What You Say, But How You Say It


----------



## Xipoid (Dec 7, 2007)

*RE: Crits Wanted!*

(This should probably be a sticky)


----------



## TakeWalker (Dec 7, 2007)

*RE: Crits Wanted!*

I'll kick it off! 

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/652177/
Omega Archer Ryouji (link is to Episode 1, description contains further links)

Summary: Omega Archer Ryouji is a fantasy epic, written episodically and in an action-manga style. It revolves around a young warrior, Ryouji, who has returned from exile to seek out answers to his father's dishonor.

May be considered PG or PG-13 for violence.

Crit notes: The written format is not the end result for this work; that being said, please no comments on spelling, grammar, style of narration, etc. What I do want is thoughts on the characters, the dialogue, and especially the plot development. Note that the series is still being written (and as I write this, I plan to rewrite Episode 4). This is an opportunity for you to help an author deep in the prime creation of his work!


----------



## Keaalu (Dec 7, 2007)

*RE: Crits Wanted!*

Ohh, crits would be WONDERFUL. *hopeful, dewy eyes*

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/907182/
"Thunder Daughter" (the first bit)
I'm not sure what it counts as, exactly - a blend of "soft" science fiction and fantasy, with alien "Aztecs" and steampunk and a bit of romance and the surreal thrown in. (It was SUPPOSED to just be sci-fi, but it turned into a monster.) It revolves mainly around a pair of "Kirasiinu" (synthetic life-forms), separated on an alien world and trying to find their way back to each other, without "drowning"/drying/being eaten by monsters on the way. 
(Sorry, should have mentioned it links on to other parts through the description.)

There's nothing really adult in there at the moment, although it does go that way a bit later down the line. (Probably PG-13 for violence and sexual implications, later, although I'm not 100% sure of my international classifications. Might just be PG. Eh, pass. PG-13 for being really, really choppy and bad and long.)

I already have a few idea of how I'm going to rewrite the first section, thanks to the few very helpful comments I've had so far, but I've gone a bit snowblind from staring at this thing for a month. 

This is just the first part - it's gone so horribly huge and long, I don't for one minute expect anyone to critique the whole darn thing. It was my effort at NaNoWriMo this year, which I'm so chuffed at actually _finishing_ that I've thought of self-publishing, but there's no way I'd unleash it on the world in printed form before I've gutted it.


----------



## Kindar (Dec 8, 2007)

*RE: Crits Wanted!*

Tittle:
Scott & Co, Chapter 1: Peter's return

File:
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/933768/

Summary
This is my take on the X-Men universe. This is an alternate universe story. 
Chapter 1 deals with Peter returning from the dead.

Advisory:
Nothing major in this chapter, some action and nightmares, but nothing that would fall above a PG13, eve even that.


I'm looking to find out what word, what doesn't and how the story might be told better. since this is still a draft typoes can probably be ignore as well as grammar, unless it's a major mistake.


----------



## zontan (Dec 8, 2007)

*RE: Crits Wanted!*

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/908855/

It's the prologue to my brand-new plot idea, called "Fivefold Guardians." It's fantasy thrusting itself upon the real world and not really caring who it lands on. That might be an actual genre, but if it is, I don't know what it's called.

Spelling and grammar mistakes I would like to know about if they exist, though I'm pretty sure they don't, but I'm more interested in what people think of the idea. Because if enough people like it, it will probably become some massive ten-part adventure story.

Basically, does thouest want to hear more? XD


----------



## Anilothei (Dec 10, 2007)

*RE: Crits Wanted!*

My Poem Link: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/938516/

The Title of this work is: Being Different

Summary: It's sort of a sad work about the brutality of others in life picking on or teasing someone, only to lead to a more hopeful ending that shines a little light on exactly why it is they tease you and are so cruel to you for being different. It is sad, but it gets hopeful and caring, I guess.

Advisory Warning: There's no sexual content or adult language.

Type of Critic: It is a very, very long poem, but I think I kind of need the length, overall the critic I'm looking for I guess is to just critic it in general, you see any spelling errors then please tell me about them, any sort of lines that don't make sense, or don't run well together, like I know there's one particular line that says something like, "half filled cup", but that line doesn't seem to work well with the one before it, it confuses me and just doesn't -feel- right to the poem.. but I don't know what it is, please help! 

P.S. I hope I did all this right! >< and I will definitely try to comment on everyones ask for critique! I'm sorry if I seem hard on your work, or especially easy with little or no advice, it's just how much the work appeals to me - if I like the work but would like to see some stuff changed to make it flow better or something (and it's just my opinion, not like I'm demanding it, just saying it might, maybe help) or if I don't like it at all and ask for tons of stuff changed, anyways, I guess you could say if I comment little, it's because I like your work the way you did it - but if I comment alot, I love your work because it actually makes me think! It puts my mind to the test about things that might need to be improved, what might help it flow, transition, etc.. Either way, I like/love your work, just sometimes I have more to say than others! (Edited to add this, cause I'm a pansy who is fearful people will think I'm picking on them!)


----------



## KazukiFerret (Dec 10, 2007)

*RE: Crits Wanted!*

Soldier Boy is about how I veiw war and was written when I found out that my cousin was being shipped off to Iraq again. It's a peom I guess but there's no rhyme to it. As for the critique, the works. Anything you think I could have done better let me know

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/800896/


----------



## sbtanker (Dec 15, 2007)

*RE: Crits Wanted!*

Summary:My story is an action/modern fantasy set in a city where only wolves are anthros. It goes into a chase/fight between 2 delivery men, and members of a large gang. The twist? You'll have to read to find out!

Content: Violence, and small use of foul language.

Critique: I would like any thing you have to say about it at all, but most of all I want to hear the things you hated or struck you as wrong. Just ask yourself: "what did I like most?" and "What did I think was bad/annoying/dumb/confusing?"

Here is the link to part 1:http://www.furaffinity.net/view/928759/
And part 2 is here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/941837/
Thanks for your critiques as always! E|:3


----------



## Sin-Fang (Dec 28, 2007)

*RE: Crits Wanted!*

Summery: My story is Action/Romance mixed in with Fantasy and yet it is very modern... in fact it is a little futuristic, seeing as there are hover trucks and cars. The story is based on a world were only canines are anthro's and wolves are supreme. The story about a young jackal named Narro who is sent to the worst jail in the dog world called Alfa Carti for two years, after committing a robbery and murder.He has to survive the sadistic Officers and insane and violent prisoners. Will he survive? Or will he become another prisoner driven to insanity.

Content: Violence, Foul Languase, Yaoi(Male/Male), Sexual Situations (Thats just the first chapter >.>)

Critique: Just what do you have to say about the story... Is alright or does it completely suck. Would you actually keep reading if there was more then one chapter. How are the characters developed and do you know there personality right off the bat? Also give me the stuff you hated and tell me why you hated it.

*Warning:* My grammar sucks along with spelling

LINK: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/968776/


----------



## Madame (Jan 12, 2008)

*RE: Crits Wanted!*

*Title*: A Murder In Two Axe
*Links*: Act I
Act II

*Summary*: Cherish Albany, a skinned red-winged blackbird  has an assassin on her tail after robbing and injuring a very vengeful shop owner. She's out with her pal Lucy when a comedy of errors ensues in which the assassin makes a miserable failure of himself and several furs are murdered.

*Advisory Warning*: The worst in this story is some suggestive content about sex and cannibalism.

*Type of Critic*: Looking for crits on just about anything regarding the story: spelling/grammar/etc, the setting and characters, i.e. if they're believable within the constructed world, whether it's actually funny (as it was writ to be a comedy), does the pun in the title make you want to claw your literary eyes out, and are/were you interested/amused enough in the characters that you'd like to see another story involving them?


----------



## Stratelier (Jan 12, 2008)

*RE: Crits Wanted!*

Is this thread for stories posted on FA and only on FA?

I'd love to get some reactions on the novel I wrote for NaNoWriMo, but it's uploaded in pieces... and on my dA account rather than here.


----------



## Poetigress (Jan 12, 2008)

*RE: Crits Wanted!*

*shrug*  I'd say go ahead and give the links, but keep in mind that you may not get as many takers, especially if it's mature and requires a dA account to view it.  

Or you could just upload the first few parts to FA, and then do the rest if there's enough interest...


----------



## Xipoid (Feb 21, 2008)

*RE: Crits Wanted!*

In the interest of activity, I shall place my head on the chopping block. For critiques, I am looking for things involving writing style, word choice, sentence arrangement, and whatnot. Grammar, plot issues, and character related notes are undesired unless obstructively erroneous or malformed. Feel free to point out typos if you so desire.


To the Death
(marked General for themes of violence)

A wolf, by name of Dunwar, fights his adversary to the death down in the Valley of Misty Fields.

Personal thoughts - I am unhappy with the dialog and the events immediately preceding it. It seems rushed and mildly implausible. By implausible, I do not mean that it seems it would not happen, just that it would not happen quite like that (a vital line or turning point seems lacking).



Idle Hands
(marked General for violence)

Jomki, the relatively unknown assassin, finds himself with an abundance of free time. 

Personal thoughts - I have few qualms with this story, but what I found awkward is his encounter with the guards. Much of the information seems underivable from any stand point but his own (the other characters know things they should not or arrive at a conclusion without sufficient basis). Elongating the scene and adding the appropriate measures should remedy the situation, but I am at an impasse at the moment.



P.S. something which you may find marginally useful:

A Treas is a breed of wolf anthros known for their cutthroat mentality, bloodthirsty and underhanded demeanor, and stereotypical position as an assassin/bounty hunter. Fur-wise they are rather dull in appearance.

A Tral is basically a Treas with more vibrant fur coloration minus the whole evil, violent nature thing.

A Nargit is something akin to an anthro lizard/salamander.

and finally, "Force powers" refers to a sort of 'magic' not anything Star Wars related.


----------



## Houshou (Feb 26, 2008)

*RE: Crits Wanted!*

* a brief summary/description of the work (so prospective critters know whether it's something they're interested in)



> - Private Investigations follows Phos, an Arctic Fox P.I. as he solves cases. Currently he is trying to solve a mysterious murder that was and was not caught on video camera. The victim seems to be fine on camera when he is suddenly cut in half, no warning, no attacker, just simply split in half from right shoulder to left hip. He has 72 hours to find out who and why, but something out there doesn't like him snooping
> around...
> - Private Investigations is a Choose Your Own Adventure style story. Where you the reader, after reading the most current part listed you are encouraged to leave a comment on where the story should go next. This story is posted on multiple websites and all total of all votes will be tallied up to determine where the majority wishes the story to go next.



    * any content advisories (adult language, sexual content, etc.)


> - Private investigations is rated PG-13 for violence, adult language, and adult content. It is also loosely based off the 'The World of Darkness' tabletop RPG system.



    * what type of crit you're looking for (just grammar and spelling, or anything, or any particular questions/concerns you'd like the critter to address)


> -I'm looking for anything helpful. I feel like I have an innate ability to write, but not everything is perfect from day one. I may miss stuff, and the biggest one I am worried about is punctuation. I seem to be really bad at grasping the concept of some. Spelling, for the most part I am quite confident in, I won't say its perfect, hell I've read some published books where there were misspellings, including the Harry Potter series!
> - Also, kinda hoping to get more attention on my story. Its a little hard to continue to producing what I feel to be the makings of a great story, when you only have 1 reader across multiple sites.



    * the link to the work on FA


> http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1101050/


----------



## M. LeRenard (Feb 26, 2008)

*RE: Crits Wanted!*

I'm looking for a critique on this piece.
It's kind of an abstract short story about a creature from one of Uranus's moons who goes on a trip around the solar system, and his impressions thereof.  What I'm looking for is a good old fashioned strip-the-flesh-off-while-still-alive style critique; everything and anything you see that bugs you in some way, tell me about it.  I like the concept of the story, but I don't know if I actually pulled it off as best as I could.  If I can get it up to snuff, I think I might actually submit it to various sci-fi magazines for publication (and maybe $$$ too, this time!).
Any help would be appreciated.  Merci beaucoup Ã  l'avance.


----------



## DerDoberman (Mar 5, 2008)

*RE: Crits Wanted!*

Alright, I'm gonna put up one of my own for kicks... Or promotion, or something, since it's receive relatively little attention.

Chronicles of the World's Heroes 1: A Husky Tells No Tales

I'll start by saying that this is a work of fanfiction, since that alone seems to turn many off. It's based off of the WB Series Road Rovers, and covers the exploits of the team on a mission to rescue one of their own. It's written in third person, but each chapter in the series will focus on a different team member. 

This chapter would probably be rated PG-PG13 for violence/allusion to sexual matters, and future chapters may include graphic sexual content (so far, Ch3 will contain m/m and Ch4 will contain m/f).

The focus of the series is to develop my character skills-- I tend to consider myself weak when it comes to dialog, character interaction, and dialects, and I feel that the group of Rovers offers me a good variety of characters to work with. As far as criticism goes, I'm looking for anything (on any of my stories, for that matter), from personal opinion to spelling and grammar errors (although I _do_ edit my works, so there should be very little of the latter). 

And, I'll be honest, the point of even promoting this work (which I consider my favorite so far) is in hopes of maybe acquiring a few people who enjoy my work and would look forward to reading more of it (I'd really appreciate feedback on whether anyone thinks that this is a series worth continuing or not).

-DD

Also, as an afterthought, if anyone would read the journal on my main page, I'd also greatly appreciate feedback on that idea, as well.


----------



## Chanticleer (Apr 7, 2008)

I'm a bit unfamilliar with the setup here, so may I ask if one can request a critique for a story that is not uploaded to the net at all? Where a critic would be sent the story in some way, perhaps in exchange for a story they wished to have critiqued?

This would allow a story to be work shopped before it became available to the public, improving the story for general audiences.


----------



## Xipoid (Apr 7, 2008)

That should be fine, but in general, you are more likely to receive more critiques or even general interest by posting it online. Of course, if you do not want that, that is fine as well.


Doing a critique trade (I guess it would be called) is also dandy if you can find someone willing to do so (and with something they want you to critique). I'm sure there are plenty of people here up to it.


----------



## Chanticleer (Apr 7, 2008)

Thank you for the information.

In that case I would like to request a critique exchange for the first 4 short installments of a serial (2729 words total) I've been working on called Unorthodox Tactics.

Description: 
A serial following a fleeing, cobbled together platoon of a semi-World War One era army. In these installments, bloodied and decimated from gas attacks and a continuous artillery barrage, UST 23rd platoon picks up a transmission from a Draconic â€œAero-assaultâ€ platoon and attempts to get them to the relative safety of their trench line.

Content advisories:
Harsh language, suggestive themes and dialogue, violence and gore 

Crit type: I would gladly accept any assistance and offer to trade crits with other writers.

If anyone is interested, please send a PM to my forum account.  

Thank You.


----------



## baggy52 (Apr 13, 2008)

Shameless self-promotion thread? Okay.

20% Chance of Rain
This was a short story I did thinking about different perspectives on the average rampage macro destruction story.
It follows an everyday middle-class wolf and his trip to his job as a weatherman. Of course, being in the nature of the genre, he does not make it to work.

No real advisory, only general death inherent to macro story.


----------



## Poetigress (Apr 13, 2008)

_(Reposting this from the first page, now that we're up to 2.)_

This is a thread for those who want critiques of their written work to post links to particular stories/poems/whatever on FA, in hopes that others will offer constructive criticism.

*In your post, please provide*

a brief summary/description of the work (so prospective critters know whether it's something they're interested in)
any content advisories (adult language, sexual content, etc.)
what type of crit you're looking for (just grammar and spelling, or anything, or any particular questions/concerns you'd like the critter to address)
the link to the work on FA

At this point, I'm going to encourage a friendly limit of no more than three works listed per writer, just to keep the volume down since there aren't a whole lot of people over here yet.

And it should go without saying, but if you post here, do try to check out and crit others' work in the thread, too.  What goes around comes around, and all that.  

All this stuff subject to change as necessary.  8)


----------



## Lymerick (May 1, 2008)

Title:

Innocent Rogue...what i have posted is half of the first chapter, which is subsequently titled "The Wagon Child". I'm posting it in parts due to length.

Warnings:

This particular section of the story begins with soldiers removing bodies from an accident site-but there's really nothing here i'd consider above a general rating.

What it's about:

Thus far, not much. These is is the earliest beginning for my character Tamaron, dry, somewhat realistic fantasy i suppose. There are no anthropomorphic characters in this piece, unless you'd consider a Tiefling to be one *which i do not* 

What I would like critiqued:

I suppose everything...I've never posted my written work online before. This is the first thing that I've ever bothered to attempt showing to an audience and I'm really nervous about public opinion.

lastly, the link:

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1266333/


----------



## dubcizzel (May 29, 2008)

Trying to see if anyone would be interested in taking a look at my story. I'm just writing it for fun, but I would like for it to be decent. I have three chapters written so far.


Comedy/Fighting: Rich ex-boxer who failed to establish a legacy in boxing decides to keep his passion for fighting by starting his own fighting organization. Fighters from all walks of life join to compete, creating friendships and rivalries along the way. But at the end of the day, it's all about business, and greed and envy can have a big influence.


Strong Language, some Blood


Any type of crit is welcome really. Just hoping to get more people to check it out and leave some type of feedback XD


Chapter 1 is here...http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1106092/
Thanks!


----------



## Zotec (May 30, 2008)

The Spring Celebration, Part One - a naughty story about a guy who gets a little culture shock on a vacation. The story stars Agwilicans, a race of anthro-dragons. The main character is currently a male Human (for now).

The story has sexual content, mainly depictions of female nudity.

I'm looking for any kind of crit, especially suggestions to give the story better style and flow. If there's an element you would like to hear about in more detail, I'd like to know that kind of thing, too.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1258344/

Thanks in advance for anyone willing to do this. I myself have an incredibly hard time giving constructive criticism on other people's work, beyond basic grammar stuff.

I guess I'm asking because I'm in a bit of a creative slump right now and maybe having some input will get me going again, including writing part two of this particular story. Hey, it's already starting to work! I'm getting some ideas on my own... I still would like your input though


----------



## Clothoverlord (Jun 5, 2008)

Transgressions-basically a family gets lost in some strange otherworldly garden, and the main character gets to make a special choice; however, he learns something ugly about himself.

A bit of language, but nothing really over pg-13.

As far as critiques go, I'm somewhat uncertain if I've gone and drawn things out too much; I was attempting some forshadowing and just fleshing out the characters in general, but I can't help but feel that it might be hurting the flow.  Other than that, if anything else just jumps out, feel free to point it out.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1262313/


----------



## Sci Cheetah (Jun 13, 2008)

I need some writers' opinions on my stories. I want to see what other authors think of my stories and what they think I should change. For now, these are the stories that I want people to look at and give me their opinion about:

Title: How to Get the Guy You Like
Summary: This is a story about two roommates who have had trouble with relationships. The two young foxes are close friends and while one of them is gay, the other thinks he is straight. The young gay fox reveals that he has a crush on the other fox to their other roommate, who gives the gay fox a book that will help him to get the guy he likes.
Link: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1289743/

Title: Blood and Tears (sample chapter)
Summary: This is the first chapter of a story that will be published. A young vixen warrior princess finds herself falling in love with a chitaun warrior who she is supposed to be fighting. Chitauns are a race of taurs that I myself created.
Link: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1196559/

Title: A Valentine's Day Surprise
Summary: This story is about two young lovers. This was a story I did for my mate, Alpha. Alpha noticed that things haven't been quite as romantic between him and Sci. What he doesn't know is that Sci has been busy for the past couple of weeks to plan a Valentine's Day surprise for him.
Link: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1094393/

This is much appreciated.

Thanks,
Sci the Cheetah


----------



## Kender3421 (Jun 21, 2008)

Chapter 1-
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1395945/

Chapter 2-
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1399190/

Time Drifts By
This is my first attempt at furry writing and I just want to get a basic critique of how it turned out. This is just the first chapter with more to come, no matter what anyone says.

The story revolves around a bar. Teige, the bar owner and bartender, ponders closing the pub down early due to a incredible storm going on outside. Just before he makes a decision, a chance encounter will change his and everyone else's life, forever.

There is only one bad word, well that I believe, in this chapter but later ones will be more adult orientated. This was just to get the ball rolling, for lack of a better term.


----------



## Phoenixwildfire (Jun 26, 2008)

Althea, a normal college sophomore stumbles upon a strange mirror in an abandoned construction site. Looking into her reflection, she finds herself suddenly in a new world, where the anthro species of Humanus are at war with the Humans. Can Toran, a tiger humanus, help Althea to find her way back home? Or will the war make victims of them all?

this story is in 4 chapters now-

1- http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1410686/
2- http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1410696/
3- http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1410715/
4- http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1410723/


----------



## Phoenixwildfire (Jul 10, 2008)

um... I tried writing a fighting scene, as part of The Mirror. 

It would probably make more sense if you read the rest of the story, but thus far, this chapter was one of the most challenging for me because I stink at fighting scenes -.-

please critique? ^_^'

this is Chapter 8 of The Mirror...

http://phoenixwildfire.deviantart.com/art/The-Mirror-ch-8-91213453


----------



## Project_X (Jul 10, 2008)

I *NEED* feedback on this, considering that it may hit Youtube.
http://forums.furaffinity.net/showthread.php?t=22811


----------



## Ainoko (Jul 16, 2008)

*The Lost Soul of the Wolfclan*

Since FA is down right now, I am going to have to use an attachment. 

The WIP of the first half of a story based off an RP I created a couple of years ago. The following two attachments are of the same work just before and after what editing I have completed.

The basic summary of the story is that of a young fur who is prophesiesed to hold the fate of the world in his paws (will the world be agrigarian, high tech, or a combination of both). He is kidnapped by a secret organization ti try and get him to force the world into thier direction. Ultimately, he is considered a major liability and is ordered to be eliminated. In the second half, he is found to have survived the attempt and is once again ordered for elimination. The first attempt at eliminating him, virtually erased all memories of his past. While those that are protecting him from the organization are discovering his emerging talents.

As stated this is a WIP and I have yet to post the partially worked second half.

I am asking for some good, honest and hard crituques on the story. I would also like to hear where I can improve what I have already written, not mention some suggestions for the title.


----------



## sentharn (Jul 17, 2008)

Hey, I'm new here (And fairly new to writing as well.) 

This story is my effort to write a short sci-fi piece (just under three pages) in the spirit of Clarke or Asimov. 

No yiff or violence here, sorry.

Any sort of constructive criticism would be welcome!
Since FA is down still I have no other place to put this (I'll put it on FA when it's back up:
http://sentharn.deviantart.com/art/We-Were-Here-First-92008132 )


----------



## TÃ¦farÃ³s (Jul 17, 2008)

Critique for *Ainoko*! First large critique ever, actually.



> *[FONT=&quot]Screams of pain emanating from a small, hide covered hut, shattered the quiet, peaceful night as a large, intimidating wolf paced worriedly outside.[/FONT]*


I think you went overboard with the adjectives here. Is it necessary to describe the night as quiet and peaceful if the wolf seems to be worried about his mate? Speaking of the wolf, perhaps you could remove "intimidating", as this is telling. Maybe just show him dominating his subordinates. Suggestion? _Screams of pain emanated from a small, hide-covered hut, shattering the night as a large wolf paced outside.

_


> *[FONT=&quot]In the cabin, his mate is deep in the throes of childbirth, after going into labor far later than the clanâ€™s healers and Elders had figured, not to mention, that his mate was not supposed to be able to conceive any cubs due to the difference between their two species.[/FONT]*


[FONT=&quot]
Once again, this is telling, not to mention clunky. You could reveal this through dialogue or thought.

[/FONT]





> *[FONT=&quot]His pacing stopped when one final, soul piercing scream rent the night asunder.[/FONT]*


_He froze_? Also, I'm not quite sure about this, but I think rent could be replaced. It's-a botherin' me. X3

[FONT=&quot]





> *He then slowly, so as not to disturb anyone in and around the cabin, crept to the window to look inside at his mate, what he saw inside shocked him beyond all reason.*


[/FONT]
Suggestion? _He took caution to avoid any disturbance, and slowly crept to the window._ What's highlighted in blue should be a new sentence altogether, an action. Have him show his shock. 



> _[FONT=&quot]     *The female feline lay in the hut, writhing and moaning in pain from just giving birth to a large male cub.*[/FONT]_


[FONT=&quot]It may be obvious that the male wolf's mate is a female (unless you went all "dun dun dun" on us). You've already established that she's hurting, and hurting bad. _Writhing and moaning from the ordeal_? I think you can describe the cub in another sentence.
[/FONT]_[FONT=&quot]*



			The sweat on her fur glistened from her exertions in the moonlight as the midwife and healer tried vainly to stop the bleeding. Hearing a small noise, the healer looks up to see a large wolf enter the room with a worried look on his muzzle.

Click to expand...

*[/FONT]_ 
  At first, I figured that you were telling the story from the wolf's perspective. But I tripped a bit when you went on about the healer, as the POV turned to his eyes. Stick with one POV and you'll be fine. Also, do looks appear on muzzles? "Looks" needs a tense change.

*[FONT=&quot]






			Shaking his head in resignation, the fox looks to the wolf with a pitying look
		
Click to expand...

[/FONT]*Up until now, the healer's species hadn't been established. A bit confusing, that one. Another tense change pops up here.



> *[FONT=&quot]â€œI am sorry, my liege, but your lady cat will not live to see the moon rise tomorrow. The stress from her labors, the size of the cub, and not to mention the bleeding has and is robbing her of her life energy. Sire, there is nothing I can do to save her life. Al I can do is to ease her pain; this will only prolong her passing over to the other side. Once I give her the potion, it will take about an hour for it to reach full strength and to wake her. She will be awake for a few short hours before she succumbs and passes to the other realm. This is a choice you only must make, my friend.â€ [/FONT]*


*[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]*[FONT=&quot]Something tells me this can be worded differently and/or condensed.[/FONT]*[FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]*


> *[FONT=&quot]The wolf looked over to where the feline was laying, as he desperately fought to keep from crying as tears streamed down his muzzle.[/FONT]*


*[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]*_[FONT=&quot]The wolf looked over to where his mate lay and fought back the tears that streamed down his muzzle.

_[/FONT]





> *[FONT=&quot]â€œDo it, Healer. I will wait outside while you give her the potion. Once she wakes and her pain is dulled, come and get me--I wish to be with her and our cub before she dies. I only ask one thing, my friend, please place our cub in her arms and tell her that I wish for her to name him before I return.â€ [/FONT]*


 Well, this is pretty much all I got so far. It's a nice little story considering it seems to be in first-draft mode. The main thing I'm worried about is the plotline: prophecies are nice and all, yet terribly cliche. Ah well, I'll read the rest later and surely get back to you. Also, I'm not very good with names; they tend to be overly quirky. For example, my main story has a tentative title of _Sherbet Densetsu_. I mean really.[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]


----------



## Ainoko (Jul 17, 2008)

TÃ¦farÃ³s said:


> Critique for *Ainoko*! First large critique ever, actually.
> 
> I think you went overboard with the adjectives here. Is it necessary to describe the night as quiet and peaceful if the wolf seems to be worried about his mate? Speaking of the wolf, perhaps you could remove "intimidating", as this is telling. Maybe just show him dominating his subordinates. Suggestion? _Screams of pain emanated from a small, hide-covered hut, shattering the night as a large wolf paced outside.
> 
> ...




Thanks for what you have already critiqued, What you have pointed out is extremely helpful for me as I have missed those details in the first edit. I now know what can be reworked once I get done with this first edit. And for clarification, both attachments are of the same story, the first is the uneditied version, and the second is the editing in process version. I do look forward to seeing the rest of your critique.


----------



## TÃ¦farÃ³s (Jul 17, 2008)

Ah, cool. I'm working with the edit-in-process. Good to know I've been helpful--it's a good feeling!


----------



## Vesuro (Jul 20, 2008)

*Politics - XXX - Adult Content, Extreme Violence, Cub Sex*

Chapter 01 - PG-13 - May contain foul language


----------



## TÃ¦farÃ³s (Jul 22, 2008)

Hey Vesuro, is there any alternative format for Politics? I keep itching to read it but my comp always craps out with PDFs for some reason. :/


----------



## thebeast76 (Jul 22, 2008)

I could use a little critique!
It's a science-fiction TF, and I kinda threw it together and made adjustments over about a month to make it all fit.


----------



## TÃ¦farÃ³s (Jul 22, 2008)

Sherbet Densetsu - World 1-1

This is the modern fantasy of an ancient village stuck in the past. The young immortal Deo is punished for use of the traveling gates. These gates have not allowed the villagers to leave since anyone could remember, but with Deo's war-ridden background and the manipulation of his best friend, they opened temporarily. Deo starts having nightmares that physically pain him, and he must leave for a cure and the sake of the village. This leads to a run-in with Japanese koi mercenaries and a psychotic demi-god bounty hunter, of course, but I haven't gotten that far yet.

Critique: The main help I'm looking for is the tone and consistency of voice. I'm aiming for Deo to be around eleven or twelve years old, a mature one at that. Ask yourself "does he sound believable?" and tell me if he makes a likeable protagonist.

Now with an FA link: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1335159/

Warning: Hmm, not much. Just some blood and coarse language.


----------



## duroc (Aug 29, 2008)

Hey everyone.  I'm new to this whole thing.  Just submitted my first story and I was hoping to get some people's thoughts on it.

My story's titled, "The Night Warrior".  It's a just a short story about an anthro lion in a city full of humans, using his enhanced abilities to prowl the rooftops and help others.  And on this outing in particular, things go terribly wrong.  I guess you could call it a dark superhero story, with maybe a hint of a love story mixed in.  You can read my comments on the story page for a bit more info.

There is some violence, blood, and mild language, but nothing you wouldn't see on television.

Any and all criticism would be appreciated, but I mainly want to know if people like my writing style.  Or do I need to go back to the drawing board and try something new.

Here's the link to my story:

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1501600/

Thank you for your time, and thanks for taking a look.


----------



## CraskWolf (Aug 31, 2008)

Hey, I thought I'd post the first part of my story up here for people to have a look at:

The beginning of a fantasy serial that I am writing, set around the adventures of the enigmatic wolf Crask, as he tries to discover who he is, and the key role that he played in the kingdom that is falling apart around him.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1511584/

The serial will probably have a PG rating, for mild violence and adult themes.


----------



## Erro (Sep 1, 2008)

Huzzah, I've been whoring this out for comments, and this seems the perfect place. =D

So I started writing this a couple days ago, this part is just a teaser of the first draft, which is in the process of being completed/edited, so its still a bit rough around the edges. I don't want to give much any of the story around right now, I'm just curious to see what people think of the level of writing and if they would be interested in seeing more.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1514294/

comments plz =3


----------



## Kender3421 (Sep 7, 2008)

I recently made my first leap into the space science fiction genre and am looking for critique on how it turned out. I also wrote my first yiff scene in chapter 2 and want to know how that turned out.

Synopsis - It is a universe where space travel is as easy as getting on a plane. It is a corrupt universe with a tyrannical empire in control. A small group has started a resistance movement, but has been steadily forced back farther from the core worlds of power. At the same time, pirates and smugglers are tying to find themselves ways to get past the growing empire and are on the run as well. A small ship, called the Sarelin, is one of those ships. The captain, Hayden Miles, is a young coyote on the run from the empire. He and his crew are trying to find their way through this new life. What makes this most difficult is that Sarlin is not a normal ship. She is alive and living among the crew.

Chapter 1 is located here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1529765/

Synopsis - When a transmission comes in, Hayden and his crew blow it off, but something is not right.

Chapter 2 is located here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1532709/

WARNING! Contains mild bondage and a m/f yiff scene

Synopsis- After their brief slip into the Space Time Continuum, Hayden and his crew deal with the problems they face. For Hayden, his problem is overheating with lust.


----------



## Ethereal_Dragon (Sep 18, 2008)

Hmmm... if only there were more critics. Ah well.

*Wormholes*
Multiple characters in seemingly unrelated stories become entangled in a war (still getting to the war part). Includes dragons, shapeshifters, and one human (so far). 
No content advisories.
Grammar is at the bottom of my critique wish list. What I'd really like is a commentary on the descriptions, what storytelling elements you believe I could use more of, and the pace/comprehensibility of the story. 
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Front Lines - This is a side story which is based in the events that are about to occur in Wormholes, but doesn't involve the main characters from Wormholes.


Please note: I allow the reader to be disoriented when moving from chapter to chapter. That is completely intentional.


----------



## thebeast76 (Sep 25, 2008)

Recently wrote a pair of stories, one leading up to the next, with no real bridge in-between the two.
Oh, they're a pair of sci-fi TF's.
PART I
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1494027/

PART II
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1494093/


----------



## Poetigress (Sep 29, 2008)

Just a reminder, if you're posting links here for critique, you should be reading and critiquing others' work from this thread as well.  Ideally, it'd be good to aim for critiquing at least two stories for every link you post.


----------



## Keaoden (Oct 29, 2008)

*Title*: A Night in the Mountains 
*Links*: Link

*Summary*: An unlikely romance story of a girl and the love she finds one night stranded on the side of a mountain. 

*Advisory Warning*: Contains explicit acts of bestiality 

*Type of Critic*: Not looking for grammar/spelling because I already know what I need to fix but have yet to upload the updated version, but more on the flow of the writhing and advice on how to improve overall style. I would also like to know if it is good enough to continue on with a second part. 

Does it make you want to know what happens next?


----------



## MayDay (Oct 29, 2008)

*Title*: Halo:Ghost of Cerinia
*Advisory*: General Audience
*Summary:* When Halo meets StarFox. The following events take place after Halo 3 and StarFox Assault. The story will explain the history of Krystal's homeworld and the significance of the tatto on her tigh which will play a vital part in the events to come! Also, find out where Master Chief crash landed and more!

*Critique*: Give me your feedback on the sentence structure and ways part of the story can be better phrased. Point out sentences or words which seem too cliched and stuff like that.


----------



## MayDay (Oct 29, 2008)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1667880/

Sorry, forgot my link!  It's this one.


----------



## Ethereal_Dragon (Nov 3, 2008)

*Descent*
Summary: Very short story (361 words) narrating the delving of one of my characters into their bizarre subconscious.
Advisory: Disturbing. XD
Critique requested: This is NOT your normal story. It is designed to take effort to comprehend, and will not be easy to read. Basically, I want people's thoughts on the content and phraseology. Does it flow, is it consistent?
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1683310/
Thanks in advance.


----------



## Zeichwolf (Nov 6, 2008)

Actually, I'd like a bit of critique on my works as well, if anyone wouldn't mind. Positive compliments are nice, but it doesn't bring about improvement. So if all you furs out there would look at this and tell me what you think, it'd be appreciated. There are three in total, all part of a series.

NOTE: All of these works include nonsexual M/M relationships- if you are offended by these, please do not critique. Thank you.

---

First Week of Forever - Chapter One: Meeting

Description: This is merely an introductory story to the series, involving an everyday high-school wolf who meets a raccoon who has transferred over from a school in Australia. Even after becoming fast friends, the relationship already seems on its way to becoming more, perhaps?

Content: Very tame, though slightly mature in some ways. Slight caution advised.

Critique: Anything is accepted, whether there are issues with the plot, simple grammatical or spelling errors I missed, or anything like that.

---

First Week of Forever - Chapter Two: Revelation

Description: A continuation from the first chapter, this entire chapter spans over the course of one night, developing the two characters and bringing some interesting facts out into the light.

Content: Again, tame though a bit more mature at times. Slight caution advised.

Critique: Anything is accepted, whether there are issues with the plot, simple grammatical or spelling errors I missed, or anything like that.

---

First Week of Forever - Chapter Three: Confession

Description: The third part in the series, this story continues to further Zeich and Rami's relationship, and introduces a few more friends to keep the plot rolling.

Content: More mature than the first two, caution advised, though there is no nudity or any such thing. Just... lots of suggestive descriptions. *wink*

Critique: Anything is accepted, whether there are issues with the plot, simple grammatical or spelling errors I missed, or anything like that.


----------



## Poetigress (Nov 6, 2008)

Since we're now on a second page (well, again, after the redesign of the forums), here are the ground rules as a reminder:

This is a thread for those who want critiques of their written work to post links to particular stories/poems/whatever on FA, in hopes that others will offer constructive criticism.

*In your post, please provide*

a brief summary/description of the work (so prospective critters know whether it's something they're interested in)
any content advisories (adult language, sexual content, etc.)
what type of crit you're looking for (just grammar and spelling, or anything, or any particular questions/concerns you'd like the critter to address)
the link to the work on FA

Please list no more than 3 works at a time for critique.  Also, this was a suggestion, but I'm making it a requirement for everyone's benefit: *If you list works for crit in this thread, you need to crit at least 2 other works from this thread.*

If you need help figuring out how to critique effectively, try these links:

How to Critique Fiction

How to Cope With Critiquing (from both the critiquer's and author's perspectives)

It's Not What You Say, But How You Say It


----------



## AlexVSharp (Nov 12, 2008)

The novel I was so fond of is stuck at 33 pages and while I know what's suppose to happen next I just can't seem to write it. In hope of getting the strength to finish it, Iâ€™m posting what Iâ€™ve written so far. I strongly encourage everyone to visit and read it (I promise itâ€™s NOT some amateur story). It is about some specific lives in the town of Oak Leaf (made the place up â€“ or did I?), love and trust, and how they change to better or to worse. It does feature one anthropomorphic element, a human-like vixen, but it just merges into the rest so nicely that this both is and isnâ€™t a â€œfurryâ€ fiction. In fact, sheâ€™ll appear much later in the story then one might expect. Also, I suggest listening to "Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love" before reading since it was one of the main inspirations for the tale and may help you imagine a more visual experience (my form was a film).

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1706662

Any kind of comments are appreciated, as well as advance criticism. Thank you all and pleasant reading!
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1706662


----------



## Lanceleoghauni (Nov 14, 2008)

A critique would be GREAT: 

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1169893/

This is a link to the first segment (out of 15 atm) any critiques on the series would be greatly appreciated. Unfortunately you have to download it to read it (until chap 15). in word the entirety of the series is about 64 pages long. Its a work in progress, so there WILL be plenty of Chekov's guns etc lying around, I'll do something with them, I promise. Also, there's a good bit of swearing, violence, and one sex scene so far, so be warned. the sex scene is in its own segment, and is the only red bordered one to date, so avoiding it is easy.


----------



## KiloCharlie (Nov 14, 2008)

you can read it on my profile journal page... b/c of chronic writers block i'm trying a new approach of convincing my brain that it is a collection of short stories that happen to tie together (each event gets 1 post... i have 1 posted and another in on the 'drawing board'...) and fellow writer support (tips, sugestions, praise, constructive criticism, etc...)


----------



## Tonbogiri (Nov 27, 2008)

[ADULT]:: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1746609/


Summary: Basically a story I started writing a long time ago. Probably 3-4 years ago. It's most likely unreadable (I assume anyways) to most of you, simply because I hadn't developed some of the more necessary writing skills. One of those lame vampire stories. It started off with me talking to a friend of mine on MSN, proving how descriptive I could be with my writing, and it turned into a 4 page attempt at a book that I lost interest in.

There you have it. Like it says in the comment. This is only a partial story, that I never finished, and never will. Destroy it, rip into it, I know a few of you hunger for blood, so get your fill. Gramatical, spelling whatever. I expect this peice to get absolutely annihilated.



I need to identify my bad habits before writing my next story which will be on FA. I've already started it but I'm debating re-writing the beginning of it to make it seem like less of a "mindless sex story" which it isn't.


----------



## KiloCharlie (Nov 27, 2008)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1746172/
just post #1 of the 3 i have uploaded and the 8 i have written down... so far only 1 guy has made any comments whatsoever...


----------



## Trpdwarf (Nov 27, 2008)

What if I am using Livejournal to host my story? Is it still okay to link here or is it out of the question? I want to put something up for critique but I am using a Livejournal that I created specifically for the sake of the story I am working on.


----------



## kitreshawn (Nov 27, 2008)

I don't think posting a link to a LJ will be a problem, though you might consider posting a plain text file to FA as well.  If you are really looking for comments than having your story in several areas is the best way to be sure to attract at least some attention.


----------



## kitreshawn (Dec 1, 2008)

Just posted a story and I am interested to see what people think.  If you have some time (it is long, 24 pages) look here:

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1758238/


----------



## hara-surya (Dec 2, 2008)

A story I've been developing for going on five years now called "Terrae" about a human ending up in an all Furry world.  It's technically a science fiction story hidden in the trappings of a fantasy with a civil war hiding a paranormal romance.

I consider the whole thing "mature" mostly because of language, some suggestive subject matter and eventually violence, war scenes and maybe even a few tasteful sex scenes.

I'm mostly looking for direction and general comments.  I tend to edit my stories very heavily and I've taken college courses devoted to editing, so I don't really need help with spelling and grammar.  I'm aware of most of the major grammatical mistakes and they're usually intentional.  (A vast majority being sentence fragments.)

I have an extensive "setting notes" file on my hard drive which I use to help with internal consistency which includes things like the race names, the major and minor characters, month and week day names, holidays, customs, etc. even notes on their language differs from Modern English.  I doubt I'll ever post it online, at least on Fur Affinity, since it's a never ending work in progress is likely to get longer or change as the story develops.

The files are located here and consist of nearly every file marked "Terrae Chapter" or making references to "Brian and Susanne" or other similar titles.  I will say the story is nearly 30,000 words as of this posting and I tend to post a 2,500-5,000 word chapter once or twice a week.


----------



## Meliz (Dec 3, 2008)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1662615/





contains vore and other crazy stuff you don't want to read about if you're underage.

it's a clicker as your own risker.

basically, kumbartha and me were just thinking aloud and then we got some ideas together and wrote this, and just decided to put it out there, on FA, actually was thinking of just letting Kumbartha have it, but, well, now it's public.

what i'd like to ask is to be focused more on the style of writing rather than the crazy absurd rated wtf stuff in it. I'd like to know if it's easy and or enjoyable to read, that it's got gross stuff in it I'm fully aware of already. ^^

12 pages, pdf format, english. divided into chapters, main title, setting post and that medieval first letter in that drawing stuffy thing.


----------



## Teracat (Dec 12, 2008)

Hello everyone! I was wondering if someone could read through and critique a few short stories I wrote (one is about 5 pages, the other 7). They're both pieces that I'm going to be submitting for my creative writing class this Thursday, and because of this I'm really freaking out.

Here's the first story: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1791934/
And here's the second story: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1791943/

Thanks in advance!


----------



## Oryxe (Dec 25, 2008)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1828600/


My first "furry" story. It's a bit of a horror/fiction tale, derived mostly from my previous writing experience (I'm a HUGE fan of the Cthulhu Mythos, if that means anything to anyone).

Basically it's the first in a small series of stories about a fursona of mine, "alleycat". The story itself is short (about 1 - 1.5 pages). I would appreciate some feedback about the flow and how well the ideas come across, as well as how good a job I am doing in integrating a furry universe into my own writing style.

As far as ratings go, I'd say it's pretty PG13. Thanks anyone who can spare some time to crit. it for me =).


----------



## Wolfsun (Dec 25, 2008)

heres a link to a poem i wrote . its based on blooshed and raping the lands, the point of it is to display the factor of war and why some would deem it enjoyable. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1820278/   <--tho there r other poems that go with it.. Rose of Elysian Field is like the one in the link. but in the end the warrior becomes a good guy after seeing the things he has done.
idk why i wrote this. but meh. its better than Emo suicidal shit at least XD, it containes Violence/Language/and sexual themes that is if raping a face with your fist is sexual.


----------



## KatmanDu (Jan 16, 2009)

*Re: Crits Wanted!*



TakeWalker said:


> I'll kick it off!
> 
> http://www.furaffinity.net/view/652177/
> Omega Archer Ryouji (link is to Episode 1, description contains further links)



The characters were quickly established, but well enough to draw in the reader's interest. Good tension in the scene in pilot's cabin. I think I would have liked a little more description in the beginning, before the action begins; especially if it's the beginning for an entire novel- but, then again, I'm a pretty visual person. Some of the dialogue seemed a little... exaggerated; but if that's correct for the genre, it's OK. It's not what I usually write, but that's just an observation from my narrow style.


----------



## KatmanDu (Jan 16, 2009)

*Re: Crits Wanted!*



sbtanker said:


> Summary:My story is an action/modern fantasy set in a city where only wolves are anthros. It goes into a chase/fight between 2 delivery men, and members of a large gang. The twist? You'll have to read to find out!
> 
> Content: Violence, and small use of foul language.
> 
> ...



What I liked: Plenty of action; some thought obviously went into the fight scenes. An interesting premise that was shown to the reader, a little at a time, rather than dumped out there; always a good idea. On the same lines, letting the actions and dialogue of the characters show their personalities.

What made me go "huh?": The phrasing in places made me stop reading and go "huh?" Any time the reader has to stop and re-read to understand, the act of transmitting information has stopped and the images the words form in the reader's head get fuzzy. As an example:  


> standing right in front of the opened window was Derek with a shocked expression taped to his face"


That one made me chuckle a little. The bit with folks constantly checking the time, while important to later events, was a little abrupt in places... 


> He looked at his cell phone â€œ8:18 pmâ€    Derek checked his cell phone again â€œ8:19 pmâ€


Vary it up a little. "He glanced at the time display on his cell phone... 8:18 pm. He sighed and looked around the deserted lobby. _The other guests of the hotel must be out getting dinner_, he thought." "He slipped another look at his phone: 8:19. He shrugged his shoulders, adjusting his jacket." It'll get the point across that he's concerned about the time for some reason (the bomb in the briefcase) and reinforces the notion that he's somewhat nervous and uncertain.


----------



## KatmanDu (Jan 16, 2009)

*Re: Crits Wanted!*



Xipoid said:


> In the interest of activity, I shall place my head on the chopping block. For critiques, I am looking for things involving writing style, word choice, sentence arrangement, and whatnot. Grammar, plot issues, and character related notes are undesired unless obstructively erroneous or malformed. Feel free to point out typos if you so desire.
> 
> 
> To the Death
> ...



I think what I noticed most was the short, choppy sentence structure. Not terribly short, but unvaried enough to start to intrude on the flow. It seemed to improve farther into the story.

I see your point about the dialog, although I think that could fixed with a little more description of their anger turning to laughter and their reactions to it. All in all though, a good read.


----------



## KatmanDu (Jan 16, 2009)

Got a couple of my own: one that I think is fairly well polished, but because it's mine I'm probably reading over things that are glaring to others. I'd rate it "R" for some violence and a small sex scene, although the sex is considerably less explicit than others I've read. (slips finger under collar, releasing a little steam cloud) It's here:
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1888586/

The other was written around 16 years ago and hasn't been revisited since. It's the prologue for a novel that I won't let myself touch until I finish the other one I've started (and judging by how old it is, I ain't doing to well on that one, either). Re-reading it again for the first time in a long while, it seems to suffer from some of the complaints I've made about others' work: Choppy sentence structure, sort of unrealistic dialog, not really much character development (although, being the beginning of a novel, there's more to come in that regard). It 's here:
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1894382/

I welcome any critiques on any subject other than formatting (it's laid out in manuscript format in Scrivener, but the conversion to text and uploading left a little to be desired)... fire away!


----------



## Xipoid (Jan 16, 2009)

*Re: Crits Wanted!*



KatmanDu said:


> I think what I noticed most was the short, choppy sentence structure. Not terribly short, but unvaried enough to start to intrude on the flow. It seemed to improve farther into the story.
> 
> I see your point about the dialog, although I think that could fixed with a little more description of their anger turning to laughter and their reactions to it. All in all though, a good read.



My, that was so long ago. I thank you for the input, but I'll have to dig that one up out of the archives. I cannot even remember if I rewrote it or not...


----------



## M. LeRenard (Jan 19, 2009)

I've got another one I'd like critiqued.  I'm not posting it anywhere, because I'm actually somewhat pleased with it in its current form and I intend to start sending it out to magazines within the next few weeks to see what my chances are, but if you would care to read it and tell me what you think, drop me a line and I'll send it to you.  Right now it's called 'Lizards', but I suck at titles and would like to change that.  If you have an opinion of what the title should be, by all means, let me know that, too.
It's around 5000 words, and it took me about a year to write, because I started it, left it alone for a long time, and then went back and looked at it and decided I really wanted to finish it.  So I finished it.
The main thing I'm concerned about is the ending, so if you could comment on that specifically it'd be much appreciated.  Otherwise, whatever else you find wrong with it.
Thanks to anyone who wants to give it a look.

Edit: Scratch that: it's more like 6000 words (9 pages single-spaced).  Also, I should probably note that it does contain explicit language, so beware.


----------



## Stinkdog (Jan 21, 2009)

I'd love some critique if people are willing.  I have two, rather long pieces I'd like looked over.  One of them is finished, the other is in progress.

"Meridian Prime" is a 50,000+ word novella I wrote for National Novel Writing Month during November 08.  It's a low technology, sci-fi, noir novella that I'm hoping to publish some day.  The draft I have posted on FA is the very first draft so i know it's not very good.  There is explicit language and violence.  I'm looking for technical mistakes and also ways to make it longer to push it from novella to novel.

Synopsis: Inspector Nathaniel Wesson is hired to look into rumors of a political scandal that hasn't taken place yet. The case seems to be one of clear cut fraud, but things soon become much more complicated when one of Wesson's most trusted friends winds up dead. Now, pursued by his past, Wesson must delve deeper into the dark underbelly of Meridian City in order to find the person behind the slaying and to exact his revenge.

"Meridian Prime" http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1893348

"A Multitude of Stars" is the first book in an erotic trilogy I'm planning called "The Endless Void"  I'm aiming for longer than 50,000 words for each book.  This one only has three chapters completed so far and I'm working on the fourth.  MoS is also science fiction, but it has a lot more fantasy aspects than Meridian Prime does.  The synopsis for MoS is still very rough, like the book.  Again, any technical help would be greatly appreciated.  I also would like to know if there's a problem with how the erotic scenes mesh with the rest of the story.

Synopsis: When beginning his schooling at the Universal Exploration Academy, a young bear named Marcus wrestles with an unhealthy attraction to his cheetah roommate Joel.  But when an alien life form arrives on Earth with possibly sinister motives, Marcus is in danger of being swept up by the immediate chance to explore distant worlds.

[ADULT CONTENT] "A Multitude of Stars" http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1778734/ [ADULT CONTENT]


----------



## kitreshawn (Jan 21, 2009)

Experimenting with style a little bit, so thought I should solicit some Critique

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1912950/

Approx 2500 words.


Overview:
Siren (a husky Neodog) is a member of a newly formed military branch, assigned to guard a water purifier station during a humanitarian to a partly terraformed Mars.  Then things go downhill very quickly and her human commanding officer needs to rescue her.  Part experiment with writing style and a portion of a prologue for what I hope to be a story series to work on this year.

Sci-fi, Dog (Husky), Human, Mature (violence)


----------



## Riptor (Jan 22, 2009)

Title: I haven't thought of one, yet. So far, it's An Untitled Story, V2.
Summary: A lazy anthropomorphic raptor joins an army of anthros... in SPACE.
Content Advisories: None, should be safe for everybody!
Criticism: Any will be fine. I predict there will be a lot.
Link: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1916125/

It's not a full story, it's more like a proof of concept. It's based on a setting I've been thinking of for a very long time, and this is just to see how much people like the setting.


----------



## pitchblack (Jan 26, 2009)

Really short, introduction section of a story series that I have planned out. It's a sci-fi spaceship story, with some furry elements, but its not really concentrated on that. I'm just looking for advice on story element, flow, etc., I think I have grammar pretty much down. (But of course, I might be wrong.)

Here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1931458


----------



## kitreshawn (Feb 7, 2009)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1970462

Deus Ex CH1 rough draft posted.  Looking for critique.

Especially looking for people to see if I got any science facts obviously wrong.  Oh, and if I disagree with you/argue it is probably because my understanding is different and arguing is part of how I learn oddly enough.  :/  So don't take offense.


----------



## Shouden (Feb 13, 2009)

Hey, I'm looking for a critique of my story "Cityscape Shiver Episode 1: Regret"

The story is follows a young wolf as she deals with some of the things she regrets and the emotions of dealing with her sister becoming a superhero.

Warning: This story contains nudity, some sexual content, and harsh language.

Looking simply for any bit of advice, really. I know the flow is a little sketchy, but it's still a second draft, so bear with me. Anyways, thanks in advance.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1988762


----------



## Rilvor (Feb 18, 2009)

If anyone feels up to it, I've got a number of recent pieces I've made in which I feel I've progressed as a writer and am quite proud of. I'm mostly looking for what people think of the content itself, rather than conventions and technique opinions, but feel free if you so desire, but I do ask you be respectful about it. An idea of what the content is represented by parenthesis.

Sorry if it's a bit much, by no means do I expect anyone to read it all, I merely present an allotment so one may take a pic of something one would like to read.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1991138/ - Heart of Iron (Valentines Day love poem)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1989844/ - Fertilizer (Horror, Macabre)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1891224/ - Character Bio: RuingÃ»l (Character sheet of a sorts)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1979460/ - A Welcome Unwelcome Guest (Fantasy, Cyberpunk, Comedy, Strangeness)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1970062/ - A Meeting with the Illusory Gentleman (Mystery, Strange)


----------



## Peacemaker9669 (Feb 18, 2009)

The Prophacy :chapter 1
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1999805
No nudity, language, or sexual content, some violence.
Introduction one of the characters, Fenrir.

Just a story idea that came to me one day and I typed the first chapter. Pretty much, I'm looking for criticism on almost everything: what you thought about it, grammar issues, things to make it better. It can be as harsh as you want it to be. I don't mind because I'm trying to improve my storytelling.


----------



## Shouden (Feb 20, 2009)

if anyone wants to tackle some major critiquing I've got five stories for you:

Cityscape Shiver:
Episode 2: "Between Sisters" (first draft)
Episode 3: "Lecture" (first draft)
Episode 4: "This Is How It Starts" (first draft)
Episode 5: "Talla's Story" (first draft. Warning: Long)

WARNING: These stories contain lots of harsh language, nudity, sex (straight and lesbian), rape, incest, gore, violence, and female masturbation (I think there might be more, but I'd have to read over what I wrote.)

Simply looking for any kind of critique here. Whatever you want to say, any spelling and grammar errors, character flaws, how you liked it, what you liked about the stories...anything really.


----------



## kitreshawn (Feb 22, 2009)

.TXT of Deus Ex Machina is posted here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2021581

Looking for input on pretty much anything anyone has to say.


----------



## Keaoden (Feb 24, 2009)

Care to Critique Taboo Romance?

I've been writing for quite a while but this is by far the first blatantly controversial pieces I've ever produced. 

It involves the love story between Katherine Reese and a wild Mountain Lion

I don't consider myself an erotica writer, but more of a romance author. With these being so far out of my regular writing I would really like some honest opinions upon them, as well as any advice any of you would be willing to offer with the writing in general.

But be forewarned, both of these do contain mature material not suitable for minors or people with closed views of the world. The second chapter is by far lighter on the mature material but would still be considered not for minors. 

If you do have a disagreeing opinion about what I have written, please word it in reasonable manner, and not in a one line response.

A Night in the Mountains
Chapter 1 Chapter 2


----------



## Zeichwolf (Feb 26, 2009)

Alright, I had posted up the first three chapters for my First Week of Forever series before, and now I think it's time to get the next two up.

Warning in advance: Though there is nothing mature about these pieces, they are of a M/M relationship, so if you are offended, don't read them.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1804845 - Chapter Four: Joining

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1928016 - Chapter Five: Past, Present, Future.


----------



## kamunt (Mar 3, 2009)

Posted in my own thread before. Sorry, won't do it again. x3

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2051819/

This is a story I wrote for a high school English class in my final year of attendance, last year. It's a bit of a snapshot of sorts, short, just over a page long single-spaced. But I'd like to think I say a lot. I created it in the mindset that it can be interpreted in different ways; of course, if what I write is incomprehensible to begin with then it doesn't really matter. I say this because I attempted to write in the vein of William Faulkner's signature stream-of-consciousness style. Everything has its meaning and everything is deliberate, but some things feel unfortunately more forced than others. What was "easy" to write feels the most smooth, in other words.

Well, I'd like to hear what you all have to say. No yaff here!


----------



## TakeWalker (Mar 6, 2009)

So, I'm bad.

I don't give critique anymore. Not because I don't want to, but because I don't have the time, i.e., I don't manage my time well.

That being said, if you could forgive me, I've got something I'd like to get as much critical feedback on as I possibly can: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2061173/  Submission is rated adult, but really should only be considered mature for lots of gratuitous swearing, and some alcohol consumption and other gross stuff.

Also, I'm going to be extra bad and throw in another one because I submitted it almost at the same time: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2062185/  This isn't rated mature, but it's also poetry. :B Thanks!


----------



## LucidBlaze (Apr 1, 2009)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2147141/
"Agent 387" is a series I'm working on inspired by the James Bond series.
Basically a secret agent story. 
This is the first chapter, a small introduction to the series and main character, and would like some critique to know what I'm doing well and what I'm doing not-so-well at.
Suitable for all audiences, I believe.
Thanks! ^^


----------



## Cold-One (Apr 7, 2009)

Ummm, yeah... forum's and I don't get along too well, but I'll give this a shot.

I'm totally looking for a quick proofread by any one, in any form, of this incredibly oddball furry novel idea I've been working on.

It's a sci-fi theme with a splash of fantasy that I (more or less) borrowed from "Rifts"... if anyone has played that game. 

Bored one day and needing to write, I thought to myself: "What would happen if C.S. Lewis, Douglas Adams, and Quentin Tarantino, desided to collaborate on a book?"

Well this is what I came up with. I actually have five chapters, but I've uploaded only two because I realized that self-proofreading/editing is a pain in the ass.

Overall, the direction I plan on taking this thing involves politics and military engagments, peppered with death, violence, and sex just to keep it from being uninteresting. I'm not even sure if that's a good combination, but so far it's been fun to write.

Admitedly the story is a little muddled, as it is told from the perspective of one of the stories characters, but focuses less on himself and more on everyone else rather "omnipresent" like.


http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2152274/

that's chapter one. It talks about a dragoness, whom is very "Aurthor Dent", in that she see's her life as being typical, untill she is roped into a secret military plot, that to her seems frightening but to everyone else is just a typical day... kind of... otherwise it's just smutty.


http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2163103/

that's chapter two. It's different from Chaper one in that there is less smut, and a LOT more murder. Trying really, super hard to keep my story flow, I take the time to describe the type of geography/animal life this fictious world of mine has on it. I'd say more, but I'm not sure how graphic I can be in a forum tread that is presumably "general audiance"

I guess this means I get to offer critiques then? I don't mind that, I just hope I'm not too late for a proofread of mine own.

Now that I think about it: do I just critique at random, critique in desending order, or just critique as critques are given? (serious question)


----------



## Poetigress (Apr 7, 2009)

Cold-One said:


> Now that I think about it: do I just critique at random, critique in desending order, or just critique as critques are given? (serious question)



Critique whatever catches your eye, as long as you feel you have something constructive to offer the author.  Generally, it's good karma to return crits to those who crit your work, but sometimes that isn't practical for one reason or another.

One warning: I don't know how much people have been updating the earliest posts to this thread, so if you're critting something posted a long time ago, you might want to drop the author a line beforehand to make sure they still want crits on that particular piece.


----------



## foozzzball (Apr 7, 2009)

I have a curious critique request.

I wrote a comic, and an artist - Tanzenlicht - chose to illustrate it.

Now, when you write comics they do not turn out exactly like the script, ever! The artist has to interpret it, and as a result things will change, sometimes for formatting. (Tanzenlicht did some very cool stuff with panel structure.)

In any case. I was hoping to get some reviews and input on how the comic looks, and maybe how it compares to the original script.

The comic is in six pages:

1 : http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2051234

2 : http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2060670

3 : http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2137079

4 : http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2164284

5 : http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2164535

6 : http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2164798

and the script is here : http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2166727/


----------



## VÃ¶lf (Apr 8, 2009)

I'll throw my hat in the ring here, too I suppose 

Story is here: 
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2120924/

Back story of one of my planned upcoming novel characters. It is a contemporary plot set in San Fran. (mostly) Please send any critiques to the email I gave in the comment beneath it.

Thank you


----------



## Henk86 (Apr 8, 2009)

Hello all, I would like you guys to give me your proffesional opinions on two versions of a first chapter I've written for a story I've been working on. Basically it's too different openings for a werewolf story, the only thing that is the same about them is a very short prologue at the start.

Firstly this is the old one, Takewalker has already kindly given his critque on this, but more is very welcome...

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2064014

And here is the new one...

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2170775/

I'd like to know which one makes a more interesting and dramatic start for you guys as readers and fellow writers. Please give opinions both good and bad. Thank you for your time.


----------



## Shouden (Apr 13, 2009)

I'm going to request a critique for this story:

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2183576

Any advice would be helpful, really.


----------



## Penelope Dairas (Apr 18, 2009)

I would like someone to read the first two parts of my action/horror story *Hide And Seek* and tell me if my language style (including grammar/collocations) is acceptable in this case.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2184724/ - part 1
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2198157/ - part 2

A bit of matureness is included.


----------



## LycaonIV (Apr 18, 2009)

Ok here goes...This is only a prologue of my story cause I dunno if people will read it or not...anyways.

Title: Fallen Grace

Summary: The beginning of the story takes place in a world called Efure. The story follows the life of Lupercus a young wolf that is part of The Six Clans of Efure. When his father goes mad with power he his thrown into another world where he must now find a way to return to Efure and save The Six Clans for total destruction.

Warning: The story contains both adult language, sexual content and a refernce to alcohol and drugs.

Link: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2201903/


----------



## Henk86 (May 3, 2009)

Hi guys, I've recently added a monologue I've written to my FA page and was wondering if some of you could offer any critique both good and bad.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2251034/

Thanks.


----------



## VVolf (May 12, 2009)

I wouldn't mind getting some criticisms on this story I've been rewriting.


Chapter one: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2142880
Chapter two: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2144310
Chapter three: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2144560

Chapter four is posted, but is currently in .doc format, I'll convert it to .txt sometime soon*. 

Force Primal 
When a formula to regrow lost limbs is stolen from a biological testing facility by a reclusive crime lord, things begin to change... The doctor failed to warn the fiend of the formula's side effects, and now to combat the dangers created a team is needed to undergo some changes of their own.

Content is roughly PG-13 with the worse being armed violence. 


*Notice: 'soon' refers to an indeterminate time period which may be extended without notice as I'm still rewriting the last two chapters from scratch and have other stories I'm working on at the same time because I'm a spaz.


----------



## Iburnaga (May 20, 2009)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2302788/
[Soft-Sci-fi]
Untitled(For now)
Desc:The first chapter of a story I'm working on. The Hunter Aximbas is ordered to kill someoen just for seeking him out and Drakea, Aximbas' lover, is sent to kill someone who has become bad for business. Just tell me what you think, rip it apart. I need it XD


----------



## Absinthe (May 28, 2009)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2330162
Crit wanted.

Mythology/Fantasy setting mixed with present.

Edit: God damnit, forgot to log her off again, this is posted by Rilvor/Oidhche-Yorath


----------



## KuddlyKT (May 29, 2009)

I'd like to request a critique or five for the beginning chapters of my long-running story. It's called "_Merial Chronicles_", and they detail the events surrounding generally two main characters, with the scope broadening to cover six others here and there mainly.

The first main character, Karona, was departing a cruise ship to explore the island in which it stopped, Zelsina; Damien, the second main character, was doing the same thing. Although their reasons are different for wanting to actually explore the island, what they do come across when they team up is something neither of them would've expected.

I can't quite say that there would be any content advisories that I know of, early on, except for the wall of text that I'm presently correcting. I also cannot exactly brag about the quality, as even now, as far as I am, I have hardly had any input on what I've done wrong and/or right with it. 

What I'd like is any critique about what I've done with the beginning. There are some things that have definitely changed since writing these, since they were done near the end of '06/beginning of '07. The description of the areas, as well as the length sometimes, were changed.

Here are the links:
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2261949 - *Chapter One*
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2292741 - *Chapter Two*
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2307053 - *Chapter Three*
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2328591 - *Chapter Four*
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2336143 - *Chapter Five*


----------



## icecold24 (Jun 17, 2009)

*Trapped & Confused*

It's a story where the narrator is a victim of an experiment by an unknown instituite that kidnaps him early in the story. The reason for the experiment, the identity of his captors, and where it will all lead is part of the backstory that will be revealed in successive chapters. All we know so far is, the guy becomes a furry.

So far, just strong language for dramatic effect. 

I'd like to know from any prospective readers that if (1) it's an interesting concept, (2) it hasn't been done to death in other furry stories, and (3) you favor the style I composed it in.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2404016

Just pay attention to those small little details, they're all lead-ins for future chapters.


----------



## Warnndog (Jun 18, 2009)

For Anyone Interested. I have a story that I originally place of Yiff star on my website now. I'm really looking for any sort of critiques beyond grammar. It's a three part Yiff story. Originally I was looking to include these three chapters in a long line of stories and I may still do. Just at this moment I don't feel like it.  So if you have any suggestion like "it's a little too wordy here" or "I'm not seeing why the character would do that". I would apreciate it. 

Chapter One: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2390636
Chapter Two: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2399985

Warenn Argus Dog


----------



## Mediteral_Hart (Jun 21, 2009)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2385123
My Best Friend

Summary: This is a short story of young one who is troubled with agendas against his sexuality and his state as a furry. He is faced with the regret of losing his "loved one"; his memories of their times together, and his current tragedy mix together and he finally realizes the he is left with no one.

There is some cursing, as well as mature themes, and some disturbing images.

I'm looking for...anything really. Any type of critique is wanted.


----------



## Ainoko (Jun 21, 2009)

Mediteral_Hart said:


> http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2385123
> My Best Friend
> 
> Summary: This is a short story of young one who is troubled with agendas against his sexuality and his state as a furry. He is faced with the regret of losing his "loved one"; his memories of their times together, and his current tragedy mix together and he finally realizes the he is left with no one.
> ...



I just read this story, and an very impressed with how the emotions were conveyed in it. other than a few minor spelling and gramatical errors, I found nothing wrong with it.


----------



## Mediteral_Hart (Jun 21, 2009)

Ainoko said:


> I just read this story, and an very impressed with how the emotions were conveyed in it. other than a few minor spelling and gramatical errors, I found nothing wrong with it.



Well there's some good news...I just need to apply myself more, I think.


----------



## Ainoko (Jun 21, 2009)

Hello all, I am needing some critiquing of one of my stories...

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2262689/

It is just over 3k words and I need feedback as to whet needs to be worked on, corrected and changed


----------



## Torinir (Jun 24, 2009)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2422252

It's a still-evolving piece, but most of the meat for this part is there. Looking for constructive criticism of any type.


----------



## Shino (Jun 26, 2009)

Here we are:

The Dream and the Nightmare, Chapters 1-6
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2416340/

It's the first six chapters (approx 15 pages) of what is quickly turning into something too long to be a short story (well, from my perspective, anyways) that I've been working on for the past several months.

It's basically a furry fiction thriller-type story (think Brad Thor or Vince Flynn) except obviously not as awesome or best-selling.

I didn't post a txt version since FAF distroys formatting, and I didn't feel like picking it apart to fix it. .doc version only. Sorry.

I'm looking for general critique, and also testing the waters as it were to determine if this story is even worth trying to get published later on down the road.

Thanks in advance!


----------



## Wolfsmate (Jun 26, 2009)

Ok all, please feel free to crit and advise, Most certainly safe for work and just about anyone willing to read it.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2139882

This is the beginning of a story that was floating around in my brain, compiled over a few days.  Judging how it is currently this could be the first chapter if I can find the inspiration to continue it.  

Thank you for your time and your consideration.


----------



## Mediteral_Hart (Jun 27, 2009)

Um, I have a story that I would really like to be critiqued. I've never done a single story this long with so much to it so, I need any kind of critique to improve upon myself.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2443611/
It's called Empty Heart Syndrome. It's about a young dragon with an empty heart, hence, Empty Heart Syndrome. This is how his life changes in a single day.


----------



## BitofaDreamer (Jul 9, 2009)

Like everyone else, I'm struggling for improvement. So, if anyone would be kind enough to offer some criticism for my new story, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Note: contains brief references to sex, drugs and alcohol (no rock and roll), and transformation.

Title: Left to Fate

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2491950

Blurb: "Henry is a bit lonely. Heâ€™s also a little nervous and shy, quietly whiling away his life in a job heâ€™s not so fond of with people he doesnâ€™t particularly care for. He spends his days loving a girl who does not love him back and wishing things were different. 

These circumstances are not at all unique.

What happens to change all of this is." 

Thank you.


----------



## M. LeRenard (Jul 11, 2009)

I'm asking for another critique, even though I've been lazy in giving them lately.  Again, this is something I don't want to post online, because I sort of like it, so if you want to critique, send me a PM with your e-mail address and the file extension you want it in, and I'll send it to you.  I'd post this to CritiqueCircle, but I don't feel like waiting that long, and some of those people annoy me anyway.
It's about keys and an underground colony and giant ants and a little mysticism, if you're into those sorts of things.  Basically I just want some copy-editing (I've done it myself, but I always miss stuff) and pointing out of anything you find that's awkward or that doesn't make sense.  It's around 3000 words long, so it shouldn't take forever.
Much appreciated to anyone who takes me up on this.  If you want to do an editing trade, too, I'd be up for that.  Just direct me to the piece you want critiqued, and I'd get right on it.

EDIT: I'm going to do major revisions starting soon, so if anyone wants to do this, maybe wait a couple of days.


----------



## Mediteral_Hart (Jul 15, 2009)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2522231/

This is the story of my Pokesona, his name is Mediteral. A hybrid child of, most likely, a Charizard and Marowak. He is searching for his, who is believed to be dead. ever since he was born with no mother father, he is discriminated and hated by the other pokemon living in mountain with him. This tells of how he finally summons the courage to stand up for himself and begins his journey to find his mother.

I'm looking for critique of any kind for this.


----------



## Poetigress (Jul 16, 2009)

Just posting the usual reminder: If you list your work for critique in this thread, you should be critiquing at least two other works from this thread. If you feel you don't know how to crit effectively, there are links in the first post to some articles that may help you.


----------



## Bladespark (Jul 22, 2009)

Are we supposed to in some way indicate that we've given critique here before posting our own requests?  I don't see that being done, so I assume no.  But I thought I should ask, just in case.


----------



## Poetigress (Jul 22, 2009)

No, at this point I'm leaving that as a honor system. I just post reminders in hopes that people will understand that this sort of thing only works when people are both giving and taking.


----------



## Iburnaga (Jul 22, 2009)

Indeed, I've already critiqued two pieces. :3


----------



## Bladespark (Jul 22, 2009)

I've bookmarked a few to critique today.     (Edit: finished doing three stories.   )

I'd like to get opinions on my current project, The Sanguine Canvas.  

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2501296

There are six parts posted so far, but they're all fairly short, the total story is less than 10k words.  I wouldn't mind getting opinions on just one part, but of course ideally I'd like somebody to read the whole thing.  (I'll be posting more this week, too.)


----------



## MrGimp21 (Jul 27, 2009)

I was wondering if anyone could critique my story. It's been in the making since december last year and it was finished about a month ago. I can honestly say that I'm proud of this story. =3

Title: 
The voice of reason

Description: 
Nikki thinks about her own life on a rainy night and the things she experienced in the past.  She grew up in a broken home, and now, many years later, she tries to find her place in life with the few people she cares for the most. But Nikki is very dependent on them in every way imaginable...

Content advisory: Adult language, sexual content

The kind of critic i'm looking for is basically to see if my style is any good. The actions and thoughts of the maincharacter are written in first person, while the dialogue itself is written in filmscript style. The story itself contains 240 pages, so... 

Link to the story: http://d.furaffinity.net/art/mrgimp21/stories/1245956722.mrgimp21_the_voice_of_reason.pdf

Thanks in advance!


----------



## GraemeLion (Jul 27, 2009)

Style's okay, Mr.Gimp. 

Couldn't get into it though, because 1) At work, and 2) Don't like the dialogue style at all, and 3) the font / page coloration hurt.


----------



## Tiarhlu (Jul 27, 2009)

Mr. Gimp,

What is your reasoning for doing the dialogue that way? Does the character see her world as a big play? Unless you have a good reason, and it's convincing through the writing, you really shouldn't write it that way. It's distracting and looks amateur. 

The italicized text is a real pain on the eyes too. I don't think I could read that whole story with slanted text. You may have a great story there, but not many people are going to be able to get through it. Seriously consider adjusting it.


----------



## Hateful Bitch (Jul 27, 2009)

Here's feeling like a loser for not having written a fanfic or any story for that matter. I'm just looking for critique on an RP post I made just to get an idea of my style and stuff. [link]

One of my better ones there, though and I just wanted to see what's still to improve when I'm at my best rather than you repeating flaws I know were just 'of the moment' type things. I'm looking for comments on my writing, not my RPing, by the way. And I'm 15, if my age makes a difference.

*crosses fingers*


----------



## DashGenopeak (Jul 29, 2009)

Title: On the Wild Side

Description: An explorer known as Lucas Arptea enters the frozen wastelands of a post apocalyptic world in search of non-mutated life. And wakes up to find it right in front of him.

Content Advisory: None, it's all good people

Also note that this is a short story, and will be continually updated as I continue to write it, which I do continually know that I started on it.

Just wanting to know what you think of my work.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2581947/


----------



## MrGimp21 (Jul 29, 2009)

Tiarhlu said:


> Mr. Gimp,
> 
> What is your reasoning for doing the dialogue that way? Does the character see her world as a big play? Unless you have a good reason, and it's convincing through the writing, you really shouldn't write it that way. It's distracting and looks amateur.
> 
> The italicized text is a real pain on the eyes too. I don't think I could read that whole story with slanted text. You may have a great story there, but not many people are going to be able to get through it. Seriously consider adjusting it.



Thanks for the reply. Well, basically, it's the only way for me to write a story. Whenever i try to write it in bookform, it always seems so monotomous (sp?). I tried to write in bookform before but it just didnt work out. The reason why the text is italicized is because it makes it stand out from the dialogue. I thought it was easier to read, but by judging the feedback, i guess it's just a personal thing. So what can i do about it without changing the whole story?


----------



## M. LeRenard (Jul 29, 2009)

To avoid too much clutter, I'm going to recommend that people don't post their critiques of the works in this thread.  Keep it to PMs or on the page on which the work is found.


----------



## Poetigress (Jul 29, 2009)

M. Le Renard said:


> To avoid too much clutter, I'm going to recommend that people don't post their critiques of the works in this thread.  Keep it to PMs or on the page on which the work is found.



Agreed.


----------



## Mediteral_Hart (Aug 1, 2009)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2598708/

This is part two of my Pokesona Story. It's starts directly from where the last left off and continues until the starting point the Slifer's Story.

I'm looking for kind critique please.


----------



## Ultrafox (Aug 2, 2009)

Title - The Hunter

Description - it's a furry version of London circa 1971. Beatrice Hunter dreams of success as a singer, but remains stuck in a dead end job. She gets the chance to appear in a talent show but life, and her own nature, throw numerous obstacles in her way.

content advisory - none, it's all good.

I'm not looking for constructive criticism. What I want is mean-spirited character assassination because I love pain.

Only joking 

seriously - I've been going through a fallow patch, writing wise, which is directly linked to a massive loss of confidence. I guess what I really want to know is - do people like my stuff? Is it any good?

Any and all crits/comments gratefully received.

Fox XXX


----------



## Murphy Z (Aug 3, 2009)

Here's my story:

"A Murder in Heaven Part One : Perfect Alibis"

George Perreaux, a second-rate detective, is asked to solve the most important mystery of all time : who killed God?

Advisory mostly for "explicit religious concepts" (see description)

Now with less typos!

Comments and criticisms appreciated.

Just click on the "paw" on the left.

Thanks.
M.Z.


----------



## Ledah (Aug 3, 2009)

*The Honest Owner of Castle Detlef*

Hoy!

I'm posting this message to request critique on the first three chapters of an idea I had that I might expand upon.  It is titled 'The Honest Owner of Castle Detlef.'

The piece insofar follows three main characters in a fantasy-era setting.  While the writing is not so green that I'd be embarrassed to show it around, I believe the story has some potential if I get the perspective of a fellow writer on where it succeeds and where it fails, as well as where it might go next.

This is a work of erotic fiction, or at least is intended to be.  While the focus of the story is not the sex, when sexual situations are presented they are presented to the reader illicitly.

I am looking for a casual critique, someone to read the piece over and tell me how it strikes them as a reader.  Is it enjoyable?  Does it flow?  Do you find yourself wanting to read more and are the characters interesting or could you care less?

Though it's required to critique two other pieces on this thread while requesting a critique, I will also happily critique a piece of writing for anyone who critiques mine as well.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2505434 - Chapter 1
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2506281 - Chapter 2
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2600014 - Chapter 3 (CONTENT WARNING)


----------



## Theoriae (Aug 4, 2009)

*A Story to Critique? Title: â€œFrequencyâ€*

Title: â€œFrequencyâ€

Type: Short story

Setting: fantasy, post-apocalyptic, steam punk, a little sci-fi to the mixâ€¦

File: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2588831

Summary: There is a blast. A stranger watches as the chaos ensues. He's come to take something but he didn't expect to find this...

Advisory: Nothing too major. There is some gore. Someone did get fried/blown and itâ€™s a bit messy.

Critique: This is my very first story I have ever posted. I would appreciate some patience while critiquing.   This has been quite a process this story, and I'm rather annoyed that its not long enough. It fits only about a page and half, and while that isn't bad per say I feel rather annoyed that it isn't "fleshed out" enough. Descriptions feel rather plain and paragraph structures feel totally out of place. I'm not sure if anyone can help with descriptors (I think that's ultimately up to me), but my use of grammar and general punctuation, and use of past and present tense seems to be a roadblock here. Also I am terribly fed up with calling the stranger, the stranger. I'd love to divulge the guys name but I think that would spoil later story ideas to come.

Your patience and guidance would greatly be appreciated.


----------



## Tiarhlu (Aug 5, 2009)

I'd like some feedback on the first scene of a new story. It's a love story about a frustrated piano player that's become so concerned with his work that he forgets the important things around him. It's only 1,100 words. 

I don't wish to upload a draft, so note me if you're interested.


----------



## Murphy Z (Aug 9, 2009)

Here's my story now with 50% more completeness!:

"A Murder in Heaven Part One : Perfect Alibis"
"A Murder in Heaven Part Two : First and Last Laugh" 

Thus my "duology" is complete

George Perreaux, a second-rate detective, is asked to solve the most important mystery of all time : who killed God? Did the Devil do it?

Advisory mostly for "explicit religious concepts" (see description)

Comments and criticisms appreciated.

Just click on the "paw" on the left.

Thanks.
M.Z.


----------



## Kenoshi (Aug 14, 2009)

I would appreciate some feedback on my story, "Beyond the Red Door" posted here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2626873
It has some mildly erotic content and nudity, really structured to be more creepy than sensual. Thank you!


----------



## BitofaDreamer (Aug 15, 2009)

I'd love some critique of my most recent story, titled "Fear is a Mind Killer." 

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2660617

Rip it apart, if you like. I won't mind.


----------



## kitreshawn (Aug 22, 2009)

This is a prompt so I expect it will get looked at by everyone here as is, but I haven't done Cyberpunk before so I figured I would ask what people think about it:

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2689164/


----------



## Zeichwolf (Aug 24, 2009)

I'm really rather surprised I haven't asked for a critique on this yet. It's probably one of my best pieces yet in my opinion (not that I have terribly much to compare to...). So yeah, here you go.

Title: Work and Play (Chapter 1)

Notes: There is a bit of M/M interaction in this, and I will warn that it is NSFW at points. No actual sex but still. Just a warning for y'all.

Link: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2177090


----------



## Duality Jack (Aug 24, 2009)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2696236 POEMS FROM POET


----------



## ShadowDragon (Aug 30, 2009)

Furr High
it has diapers, blood and viloence
any criticism is apreciated
the story is here in the writter's block


----------



## Keaoden (Sep 2, 2009)

Keaoden said:


> Care to Critique Taboo Romance?
> 
> I've been writing for quite a while but this is by far the first blatantly controversial pieces I've ever produced.
> 
> ...



I would really like some more people to take a look at this series I've been writing. Any advice or opinions would be of great help.  
Chapter 3


----------



## Zolen (Sep 7, 2009)

*Title: Sonic-Final Warp* 
*Summery: It's a fan fic of Sonic the hedgehog. Basicly set up with three sides, Sonic, Warp (my avatar is his face) and Maze. *
*The only one I have up is the first*
*Warp- A strange new hero who appered recently to the world, looking for a stone he calls Sela's light. What is this stone, is he really the hero he acts like. *
*I know my grammer and spelling sucks, if you want to critic that then tell me what to fix, other wise I would like to know what is really sucks of it and if I should bother puting up more.*

Edit: the link is, 
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2641442/


----------



## Lobo Roo (Sep 10, 2009)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2774087/
"Child of My Flock"
Rated PG, for now

The story is set in an original world. The Bengali are a carniverous race that is preying on the weaker races, especially the Boen and their flocks. The shaky truce, meant to keep intelligent species from eating other intelligent species, that was put in place by the elder Bengali is falling apart as they die. The next generation is taking power and they think any creature is their rightful prey, intelligent or not. Chirra, the Boen goddess, has taken notice of Her flock's plight and have chosen a young Boen named Ramiro to be Her warrior.


This is unfinished right now - I was doing it in sections, and so this is the stopping point for the first section. I hope to get more done on it soon, but we've got a lot of people out of work and so I'm pretty fagged out when I get home from work. Any my mate hogs our computer. I hate writing by hand. 

I'd just like general critique - and say anything you like, even if you hate it, just tell me why! Specifically, I'd like to know how well I portray the "races" aka species without actually saying, you know. "This is Bob, a dog." They're not really a specific species, say - the Boens are similar to goats, but are really some strange combination of goat/sheep/cows. Original races, but based off of certain species. Yeah.


----------



## Atrak (Oct 2, 2009)

Alright, no one's posted on here in a while, so I'll give it a go  .

Title: The Many Inter-Dimensional Adventures of Atrakaj: Adventure 1: The Adventures Begin

Summary: The first adventure in my IDA series. Jacob (a human) finds a device transports him to another dimension. One exactly like this one, which one sliiiiight difference...humans don't exist. Instead, there are Anthropomorphic Mammals.

This is a short story, really, about 32 pages long. It introduces the idea of inter-dimensional travel, and of AMs (Anthro Mammals). The adventures get longer, with the second one about 57 pages, and the third 100 pages. I will upload those sometime.

Advisory: Sexual Content. Not much cussing, though.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2810064/

For some reason, the apostrophes come out as unknown. I've tried fixing this, using advice from renard and panter, but to no avail. Hopefully, I will be able to fix it, but in the meantime, if you would like to see the apostrophes, you can also view it here:

http://atrakaj.blogspot.com/2009/07/ida1.html

Thanks. Any criticism welcome, as long as it's not just mindless, 'wtf is this?' kind of thing  .


----------



## Volpino (Oct 5, 2009)

Ok. Now that I finally understand how this works, I'd like to ask for critique on my latest WIP.

Title: Celestial Warrior
Summary: A young skunk must over-come centuries of prejudice in order to unite his people with their true heritage.

Advisory: Language warning! Milspeak is used heavily. Aside from that, no swearing, no sex, so probably no interest to the people I don't need reviews from.

It's located here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2863082

I update this file periodically as I write it, but as of this post, I'm looking for reviews on the first two chapters. The prologue is going back right now for some serious reworking. You can skip it, but it might help the story a little if you do read it.

I'm* not* looking for corrections to typos. I know I sometimes mess up without realizing it on verb tense and POV, so that would be helpful. I'd appreciate it also if any problems with pace (rhythm), suspension of disbelief, or plot continuity are mentioned. Especially at the start of Chapter two, where I think there's a huge continuity issue that readers either aren't catching or that isn't really an issue.

Thanks, I'm excited to be able to share this story. It's not publishable, but its the best I've done yet.


----------



## HidesHisFace (Oct 7, 2009)

*Story to criticize*

As the title says. Here is my story:
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2886715

First of all, I would like to tell you that English is not my first language. The writing you can see is just a translation from Polish... So, if you find any mistakes, please tell me, so I can correct them as soon as possible. I tried to do my best but... You know.

Ok, now the plot. It is the story about fight against human legion (original, I know... /irony) but the main part was character development, especially the one of Lord Gahir, the protagonist. Atmosphere is also important. I tried to show the mentality of Shata'lin (my anthro species), their devotion to the their ruler, some parts of their culture etc. These are the main things I would like you to check.

Oh, I nearly forgot - writing should be safe for work - there is some fighting, bloody scenes but no sexual content.


----------



## LadyMissie (Oct 10, 2009)

Title: The Dragon's Hunt.
Type: Short Poem
Rating: G
Summary: Just a funny poem about a dragon friend hunting down his "prey." It's certainly not the normal prey most would think about.

My first poem or anything to do with writing. I'm looking for any type of critique. While it may not go towards this poem, unless it's grammar wise, I'll certainly put the crits towards future ideas whether it's a poem or a story. I was pretty overtaken with anxiety before and during the writing process so I'm pretty happy that I got something out and that I enjoy it this much.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2898764

Thank you!


----------

