# Writing Workshop 5/7/2010: Ways to Begin a Story



## kitreshawn (May 8, 2010)

Alright, since this is the 3rd session I think it is time to start getting into the meat of the Workshop.  The whole point of this is to have everyone work on improving their stories right?  So today we are going to get started on that.

And what better way to start working on our stories than to start with how many ways a story can be began?  When starting out things can be difficult because of how many different possibilities there are and there may be several that are not obviously more correct than the others.  How many characters are there, when do they need to become active, and how important are they?  So it is important to ask your story questions about what is happening inside of it.

Will it be about people's attitudes and opinions about some topic?  Or are you going to be involved in an event which characters take part of, and need an opening that shows action?  Or are you going to focus on traits, ideas, emotions, and other factors dealing with one character who must seize the reader's imagination immediately?

Just to show the possibilities here are some ways to start:

_Narrative Summary_
An unfortunate circumstance in my life had just recalled to mind a certain Dr. Crombie and the conversations I used to hold with him when I was young.  He was the school doctor until the eccentricity of his ideas became generally known.
-Graham Greene, "Doctor Crombie"

_Description of a Person_
He sat alone on the park bench that night, a single ember from his cigarette casting its warm glow across his worn face.  His department store seersucker was well worn, nearly threadbare in several places and not well suited to the weather, yet somehow the cold didn't seem to bother him.

_Dialogue_
"I did, I saw a dragon!  It swooped down out of the sun and over the McCormmik farm and stole their prized bull!" Tommy whined to his father after being sent to his room.

_Establish Point of View_
I came to the country in '84 with just three changes of clothes and the address of a temp agency.

*or*

Mike was never very observant.  He first noticed something was wrong when the riot broke out.

_A setting and Only One Character_
He settled down onto the trail, completely exhausted after a day of hiking.  The intense African sun beat down upon him even as it sank low into the sky.  Still, it was impossible to think about relaxing; before long the predators would start to slink from their dens to hunt.

_Several Characters, No Dialogue_
After the ball was finished she was forced to socialize with the departing guests, even though she'd much rather slip back to her room.  She hated all the suitors that her father insisted she see, hated that they didn't have eyes for her but for her family's fortune.

*The Exercise*
Start a new story or take an existing story you have been working on where you think the opening needs work.  Ask the story questions about what the opening needs and then experiment with different types of openings.  Notice how the story changes when you use a different type of opening.  Share 2 or 3 of your opening experiments with us (2 or 3) including the one you decided to use.

For the second part get your story going.  After you get a page or so written (or more if you like!) give a link to what you have so far so people can read and give critique.  Be sure to read the Writing Workshop Rules if you haven't already.

*The Objective*
To see how experimenting with different openings can give you a better idea of what a story is about, who the story follows, and what the focus will ultimately be.


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## Scarborough (May 8, 2010)

Okay, so this was supposed to be a short about this man's wife dying and his not wanting to attend the service. I was trying to convey a feeling that was somewhere between "empty" and "tranquil."

The first approach I did was dialogue, because originally I had the two characters in a car. I didn't know how to really describe what it was like to drive around in a car, so I had absolutely zero description. Originally, I was going to have the MC tell a lot of stories he just thought off the top of his head and that all of these stories were supposed to lead up to some line like, "Your wife's still dead, you know" or something like that. The big strength with starting with dialogue is that dialogue gives a very immediate sense of character. The big weakness is that for the purposes of my story, it didn't get to the point fast enough.



> Lancashire: Or how about, how about this one. You got this, these traffic lights, you know, Red Yellow Green. And red. Red's all passionate and romantic and therefore falls in love with Yellow, because yellow's really loud and stuff and you know, likes really passionate and romantic people. There's the obvious play on color imagery where Red usually represents passion and romance and Yellow usually represents like, danger and loudness.
> 
> Atticus: Right.
> 
> ...



The second approach is the approach I eventually went with, and I think it's more of a narrative description/action combination. I jumped right in with the word "instead" and didn't give any of the characters names (except for the barista). Strengths were that it got right into the action, and it got the kind of disjointed feeling I was looking for. Weaknesses were that it's difficult to connect with the main character and that it's initially kind of tough to get a sense of image, I think.



> Instead, he decided to go to a nearby Starbucks. The server's name was JANICE and wanted to know what he wanted to drink. He stood with six people in a half-circle and waited for his mocha latte. There were no available tables, so he sat on the curb. The mocha latte he drank tasted normal. The parking lot had many cars. A small raccoon sat next to him.



The full text is here (350 words, rated "Mature" just so I can password-protect the thing). What I'm wondering is if there's an even better intro to this story. Or if I could do this in a straight-shot traditional kind of story. Not with the cliched like, he wakes up and finds his wife's not there stuff. More like, I don't know. Just lots of very detailed description of setting, I don't know if that would work. Description of the bedroom, the dressers, the bed sheets, the carpet, the turned-off television set, etc.


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## kitreshawn (May 8, 2010)

Alright, here are my 3, just so that nobody feels like they need to go first.

Try 1: Narrative Summery


> Nobody saw the 3rd collapse coming; it wasn't until after the fact that anyone realized just how bad the damage was.  More frightening nobody really knew who to blame as society began to fold in on itself.  The only thing anyone could be certain of was that only the toughest would survive.



The things I like about this opening were that it kinda gave a nice backdrop for the rest of what I planned to have happen.  Unfortunately I feel like it gives a sort of history text book feeling to the opening which really doesn't work given that I expect this to be a somewhat action oriented story.  So I decided something that starts with a bit more action might be a way to go.

Try Two: Setting and Only One Character


> Conrad barely managed to squeeze his vulpine frame past the gap in the fence, satchel clutched under his arm.  He heard his pursuer yelling out behind him and just managed to duck behind a dumpster before a shower of flechettes tore through the air where he'd just been standing.



I liked this better from the stand point of it immediately introduces the main character, draws attention to his package, and has action happening right away.  The problem is that what is happening is rather important to the story so I felt like it was vital to make sure the reader knew why the character had the package, who was chasing him and drop hints about why.  Basically there needed to be room to plant more information before things hit the fan.

Established point of view


> Conrad noticed the moment the pair started to follow him.  It was a lucky break, the complete lack of gang enforcers tipped him off that something was going down.  Put him on guard so he watched the crowded street more carefully.  Of course it wasn't exactly uncommon for him to be followed during a run, half the job was throwing any pursuit off before making a drop, but something felt wrong about these two and sent his mind racing as he covertly watched them from the corner of his eye.



This is the one I am ultimately going with.  I like that it starts off introducing the character and gives an immediately relevant scene without leaving too many relevant questions to deal with.  You get an idea of what Conrad does for a living, have an immediate conflict, and set the scene for later action.  Good stuff.  I'll have the rest of the exercise ready to go up in a few days.

Edit: Ha!  Scarborough beat me to the punch!  Touche!


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## Hauke (May 9, 2010)

I had trouble with this one; I think I'm stuck in the same "voice" all of the time.  I just retold the same anecdote twice, and realized the first time around that the voices were the same..one was just a "wordy" version, one was terse.  So I tried again.

First go:

"Hey, Hauke."  Riseer smelled strongly of cigarette smoke; he had just come inside the house.

"Yeah?"  Hauke was getting some pizza.  Ki and Obonic were watching a Z Track episode he had seen before; he was still interested in watching it, but knew when he could slip away.

"Have you ever seen the Creature of the Black Lagoon?"

"The movie?"

Riseer laughed.  "No, the actual creature--because I think I just saw him coming up out of your pool!"

He kept laughing.  Hauke scowled half-heartedly.  "I just got the filter working again.  Give it a few days!"




------------------


And take two:

Thursdays are movie night around here.  We didn't watch a movie last Thursday, though; we stuck with tv shows.  Riseer's boyfriend Obonic hadn't seen it; Riseer wasn't too interested at first and went outside to have a smoke.

We ordered pizza and watched TV.  We normally would have gone swimming for a while before resorting to television, but since the pool filter hadn't been working for a while, the pool was pretty green.  I was letting the pump run continuously for several days, giving it a chance to catch up.

When Riseer came back in, he said in all seriousness "Say, Hauke...have you ever seen 'The Creature from the Black Lagoon'?"

"The movie?"

"No, the actual creature."  He laughed.  "I think I just saw it climbing out of your pool!"

-----------------------

Most folks I showed it to liked the first version.  Is that just because it's shorter?


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## darkr3x (May 11, 2010)

So this is established perspective correct?



			
				FourFold: Entrance said:
			
		

> It was a crisp, misty morning as I scrambled up the lee side of a dune  on the western coast of the Shay Bay. The squawking of gulls over head,  invisible in the morning fog, clashed with the soft sound of breaking  waves softened by the distance. As I reached the crest sand driven by  the breeze that had been blocked by the dune grated against my face and  eyes as a greeting, a sharp welcome back. Blinking and sputtering, I let  a bit of the energy I carried in reserve to bleed out into the next  layer of self. The biting of the sand waned as my aura caught the tide  of grit an inch or so from my skin. My opening eyes were greeted by the  blue tint that I associated with my energy. I stared for a moment as I  watched the dust make streaks on the semi-solid energy surrounding me;  the breeze blowing veritable piles of it steadily inland away from the  bay.



How about this! Dialog go!


			
				another try said:
			
		

> "What do you mean, 'Go find Rex'? That's all you have to say to me after what i just went through to get home?" Lysander fumed at his uncle.
> 
> "Jus' do it 'fore I break yer scrawny neck," The old pirate growled. "There be a war coming, it's time for you to be a man."
> 
> ...


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## sunandshadow (May 11, 2010)

Nice, a workshop actually on a topic I was thinking about. :grin:  This is the opening I've been working on for a story tentatively titled "Surrogate Bearer".  The synopsis is in my FA gallery, so if anyone is curious you can read that and optionally leave a critique on the plot.

This was the first version I wrote of the opening.  I wanted to capture the intense mix of anxiety and hope Senna is feeling about the possibility of seeing her son for the first time in twenty years.  An intense emotion is a good thing to start a story with.  But the reason for this emotion was a somewhat complicated backstory; I wanted to explain the source of Senna's emotion but not bog the story down.  I didn't feel this first version came out well, so I sent it back to the drawing board.



> Senna hesitated outside the towering gates of the walled city, trying to work up her courage to enter.  The bearer had not set foot in this city for twenty-three years â€“ that was when the layer Duke who ruled the city had, in a fit of jealousy, cast the spell exiling her.  He was no threat now â€“ he had passed away two months ago.  With his death the spell had unraveled and vanished.  Senna now no longer felt a vague repulsion at the mere thought of traveling in the direction of the city, much less the overwhelming compulsion to turn and flee she had felt the one time, years before, she had tried to defy the enchantment and sneak into the city.
> 
> What made her stomach flutter with nerves now was more important than any wrath the late Duke might have still harbored after twenty three years... had he still been alive to harbor any.  It was possible that, had she written him a letter asking for her exile to be canceled and promising not to go anywhere near his lover, he might have agreed.  But by then it had already been so long, the child would have already had so many years to resent her absence in his life... or perhaps he hadn't wondered at all about his bearer, perhaps he had grown up regarding some nurse or governess as his mother-figure...  The 'he' in question was a cursewhite seeder she remembered as a tiny child... but he would be twenty-four this year, and she had no idea what he looked like now.  All she knew was that he was her firstborn son... and the Duke's only child.  So now, presumably, he was the new Duke.
> 
> The voice of one of the gate guards suddenly broke into Senna's musings.  â€œMa'am?  Can I help you?â€  What his tone of voice said was, _You're acting suspicious, you'd better give me a convincing innocent reason you look so nervous or I'll haul you in on suspicion of intended theft or similar mischief._


I decided the lack of names was causing confusion, so I decided the late Duke was named Galban and the city named Levaide.  The first version was also totally lacking in sensory data, so I thought about what color the walls would be, what the city's heraldic colors would be, what kind of terrain was the city in, what architectural style were the city's buildings...?

Did I want to paint a verbal picture of Galban to show what a powerful presence he had, or would it be better to avoid presenting him as a character since he was dead?  Did I want to paint a verbal picture of Senna, or wait until the next chapter and describe her from the pov of the new Duke Anderan?  Maybe I should back up a bit to give myself more room to set the scene, but would that be bad if it made the story begin more slowly?


Here's version two:



> Two months ago, in the middle of doing her laundry, Senna had felt a snap of magic as a spell collapsed like a stick breaking in a fire.  It took the bearer a moment to place the sensation - the spell of exile was twenty-three years old and she had all but forgotten its existence.  But when she realized the significance of what she had just felt, she drew in a quick breath.  A spell only collapsed like that when the caster died.  Duke Galban was dead, and with that jealous, powerful man had died the spell keeping her away from his city... and their son.  Oh gods... she could go see Anderan now, if she dared.
> 
> She remembered him as a baby in Falan's adoring arms, each of them as adorable as the other as Falan cooed and smiled at the bundle of soft blanket framing wide grey eyes that looked just like Falan's, and the silky shock of white hair that betrayed his scandalous parentage.  Galban, the baby's layer, and Falan, the baby's seeder, were full siblings.  They had kept secret for years the fact they they were lovers.  But Falan had longed for a child, and Galban was eager to give Falan anything his little brother wanted.  Money and power could hire a surrogate bearer to carry a child for the two of them and ensure her secrecy.  Falan could publicly claim parentage of the child, and excuse its cursewhite hair with the story that it had been the other two parents who were related and had kept this a secret from him until he was shocked to find it out at the child's birth.
> 
> Well, Galban was eager... _at first_.  He was less happy when it occurred to him that Falan would have to have sex with the surrogate, but Galban figured he could tolerate that, it would happen once and be over.  So Duke Galban hired Senna to bear a child for himself and his little Falan.  He failed to anticipate that Falan and Senna might be attracted to each other, or that Falan would be so excited about the pregnancy he would spend half the day hovering over Senna admiring her growing baby bump.  Galban knew intellectually that it was normal for anyone to have a lover of each gender; there was no logical reason he should be jealous if Falan wanted a bearer lover.  But that didn't stop the white-hot fury he felt at seeing Falan paying attention to anyone other than him.  He didn't see that Senna found him attractive too, or if he noticed, he didn't care.


I think this version has enough intense emotion of its own that it doesn't feel slow, but on the other hand I've heard starting with a flashback is a no-no.   What do you all think?


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## Altamont (May 11, 2010)

Awesome! Sorry I couldn't do last weeks, but I'm psyched for this one 

So here's my dilemma:

The story I'm working on is called Rosewood Lane. It starts of as a seemingly nondescript tale of the lives of some women living in a suburban neighborhood, but the story gradually reveals itself to take place in the wake of a destructive world war, with Rosewood Lane surviving in the middle of a destroyed and empty city. There are anthropomorphic characters, a family of Tigers who received treatment to avoid falling victim to the the virus that has been released in to the air, a virus that attacks specific human genes. Those who chose to remain fully human (i.e. the rest of the neighborhood), have to wear gas masks to survive outside.

The story is about what makes us human I think, and how the humans can be the most animalistic creatures of all. But I wanted to start the story off innocuously, focusing on the protagonist, a housewife named May Rogers, and her own feelings about the nieghborhood she lives in. Here's my original beginning:



> "The Wilsons haven't left their home in over a week!"; this is what Betty Middleton said to her gaggle of friends, a quartet of middle-aged housewives who all nodded in earnest understanding as they daintily sipped their Earl Grey from fragile china cups. May Rogers found herself on the opposite side of the large mahogany kitchen table that was currently playing host to that Fridayâ€™s â€œLadiesâ€™ Get-Togetherâ€, directly across from Mrs. Middleton herself. She sat small and unnoticed in her chair, doing her best to keep smiling and seem interested in the increasingly inane conversation.
> 
> â€œAn entire week!â€ Betty repeated, accompanying her quip with a short and shrill laugh; her four friends followed suit. May grinned and laughed along as well, with as much enthusiasm as she could muster. It wasnâ€™t as if she hated the other women; they were, after all, her sole source of company in the neighborhood of Rosewood Lane, save for her husband and her son. The fact was that May simply couldnâ€™t begin to understand them, not a single bit.



Then, upon thinking about it, I thought I might try and play up the idyllic nature of the town before the reveal of the true setting, so I wrote this beginning:



> The summer evening was warm, the sky an idyllic wash of orange and red and gold. The clouds, which had been pouring rain on the neighborhood for almost an entire week now, had dissipated and the sky was clear. It was the first anybody had seen of it in some time.
> 
> The breeze was soft and almost warm; it lifted through the leaves and branches of the trees with a sigh, as if Mother Nature too was savoring the dayâ€™s temperament. On Rosewood Lane, all was quiet. The two rows of homes, identical in that quaint suburban way and divided neatly by the lane that shared its name with the neighborhood itself, stood in their picturesque way. The land seemed to be modeled for a post-card, one that might be subtitled â€œGreetings, from____!â€ or â€œMissing You!â€
> 
> At the end of the lane was the home that lay where the curve of the road turned the lane in to a cul-de-sac. It stood out of place from the rest of the homes; itâ€™s gold and white paint had faded and peeled, and the grass had not been mowed in a long while. In the window of the second story of the home a single light let out a solemn yellow glow. It was the only sign that anybody was home at all.



I struggle with both beginnings (actually, I just struggle with beginnings in general ). With the first I worry that the nature of the town isn't communicated enough, and that perhaps it's shoddily written. With the second, I just worry that it's too slow, and that leading it in to the scene with May Rogers and the older women will be difficult. 

Thoughts? Critiques? Anything? Don't hold back!


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## sunandshadow (May 11, 2010)

@Scarborough - Is the raccoon imaginary?  The part about the name being a coincidence sounds like a Harvey the pooka reference.

As far as feel goes, the second version sounds more like a summary of a story than an actual story while the first has no description at all.  My first drafts often turn out summary-like, then I end up reworking them to get a better balance between dialogue, describing the setting, describing the characters body language and actions, describing the character's emotions.  For you I'd suggest, tell the story from Atticus's point of view.  Since he knows his friend's wife died and the friend is avoiding the topic, Atticus can explain that to the audience.  You can describe the worry Atticus feels about his friend, and how Atticus is guessing at what his friend is feeling from clues of facial expression, tone of voice, and how the traffic lights story is metaphorically related to the wife's death (was she loud like the yellow light?)

@kitreshawn - I agree that the third version is the best place to start, but you should try to make it more detailed and sensory like version two.

@Hauke - I like the second version better except for the fact that the first version gives more of a sense who the narrator is.  But, with both versions I didn't get a sense of why you were starting here, it doesn't seem like a high point of information, action, emotion, sensory description of something interesting, or humor; usually a story should start with one of those to hook the reader.

@ darkr3x - You should explain how the two versions are related, because they don't obviously have anything to do with each other.  For the first version, it would be improved if you started with the gritty breeze in the main character's face, then intersperse the descriptions of the setting with the main character using his power.  Second version has the same problem as Scarborough's, it's nothing but dialogue.  Even a scene which is mainly characters talking needs to have descriptions in between lines of dialogue.  You could describe appearance, tone of voice, body language, and if this is first person like version one there should absolutely be some of the main character's thoughts about what is happening and why, and opinions about the other characters and what they are saying.


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## Altamont (May 11, 2010)

@sunandshadow

I prefer the second bit; the imagery is very nice. My suggestion, though, would be to ease up on the exposition; I don't know what length you're aiming for,but I think if you perhaps mixed the two openings together and nixed some of the expo, it'd be even better. For example, discuss her trepidation upon entering town, but leave out the info about the spell and her son and the duke. Rather, focus solely on the emotion of the character and the setting itself; you can reveal backstory through thoughts, dialogue, or narration gradually.


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## sunandshadow (May 11, 2010)

Altamont said:


> @sunandshadow
> 
> I prefer the second bit; the imagery is very nice. My suggestion, though, would be to ease up on the exposition; I don't know what length you're aiming for,but I think if you perhaps mixed the two openings together and nixed some of the expo, it'd be even better. For example, discuss her trepidation upon entering town, but leave out the info about the spell and her son and the duke. Rather, focus solely on the emotion of the character and the setting itself; you can reveal backstory through thoughts, dialogue, or narration gradually.


Aiming for novella or novel. ^_^  I was actually thinking about keeping the first version, but having it be the beginning of scene 2 after having the story of the child's conception and the mother's exile be scene 1.  But, possibly that would be more interesting if I left it mysterious for a while and revealed it after the mother meets her long lost son.  I'm not sure really.  I think it's impossible for the reader to feel like they really understand the main character's thoughts without knowing this story, and I think it's an exciting little anecdote, but I don't want to distract from the anticipation of the mother meeting her son, and I don't want to frustrate the reader by presenting interesting characters who are already dead and the mother hasn't seen in 20 years.


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## sunandshadow (May 11, 2010)

@Altamont - Sorry, I have to say I don't like version two.  Bored me to tears.  Version one is kinda interesting, but it's always awkward to start with a whole group of characters, makes it hard to give the reader a clear picture or any of them.  You know what you might try?  Start with a gas mask, a character using one, and present it as an unremarkable part of everyday life.  That's a key image of your world, and you can then create some dissonance by contrasting it with aggressively normal stuff like in version two, which in turn sets the scene for the awkward "trying too hard" atmosphere in version one.


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## darkr3x (May 12, 2010)

sunandshadow said:


> @ darkr3x - You should explain how the two versions are related, because they don't obviously have anything to do with each other.  For the first version, it would be improved if you started with the gritty breeze in the main character's face, then intersperse the descriptions of the setting with the main character using his power.  Second version has the same problem as Scarborough's, it's nothing but dialogue.  Even a scene which is mainly characters talking needs to have descriptions in between lines of dialogue.  You could describe appearance, tone of voice, body language, and if this is first person like version one there should absolutely be some of the main character's thoughts about what is happening and why, and opinions about the other characters and what they are saying.



RE: The first and second are semi related, they're two different threads of the same story at some point. Though they're completely different characters. Lysander instead of Rex (the narrator in the first one, the first one being the starting point in use currently). 

I write Rex in first person and everyone else in third (for this story at least) and i'm sad that didn't come across better with Lysanders bit, some more description probably would have helped. Maybe since i'm at a pause with the current arc I might flesh out the second scene and come at the beginning of the story from Ly's perspective.

afterthought: still need to look over those other synops and get back to you on them XP


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## sunandshadow (May 12, 2010)

darkr3x said:


> RE: The first and second are semi related, they're two different threads of the same story at some point. Though they're completely different characters. Lysander instead of Rex (the narrator in the first one, the first one being the starting point in use currently).
> 
> I write Rex in first person and everyone else in third (for this story at least) and i'm sad that didn't come across better with Lysanders bit, some more description probably would have helped. Maybe since i'm at a pause with the current arc I might flesh out the second scene and come at the beginning of the story from Ly's perspective.
> 
> afterthought: still need to look over those other synops and get back to you on them XP


I did pick up that one was in first and one was possibly third - I wasn't sure it you were trying to decide which to write the story in, that's why I said "if".  But it didn't occur to me they would be two different plot threads in the same story.  I've done rotating first person with 4 main characters but never mixed first with third, so it's just not a possibility that occurs to me off the top of my head.  I've heard the possibility discussed 2 or 3 times though.


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## darkr3x (May 12, 2010)

sunandshadow said:


> I did pick up that one was in first and one was possibly third - I wasn't sure it you were trying to decide which to write the story in, that's why I said "if".  But it didn't occur to me they would be two different plot threads in the same story.  I've done rotating first person with 4 main characters but never mixed first with third, so it's just not a possibility that occurs to me off the top of my head.  I've heard the possibility discussed 2 or 3 times though.



It's been working well for me so far, though it's hard to tell since i don't really get much in the way of feedback.

On topic, I find the second version of the beginning a bit easier to grasp. It sets up the main conflict, provides a bit of the main's background and gives her a reason to travel. In addition it gives you time to build suspense about Senna's serrogate child, what kind of person he has become, and also what has happened to Falan. The first one is a bit...in too deep already and the rush to explain the situation makes it, for me, difficult to want to keep reading; I'm worried the whole story will feel rushed like the first few paragraphs do.


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## kitreshawn (May 14, 2010)

Sorry I haven't gotten around to this before today, but I have been busy.

@Hauke:
I really prefer your tone in the second one.  It feels like it is going somewhere almost immediately and really draws me in.  In contrast your first try didn't really catch my interest and leaves me wondering what the pool has to do with anything.  There are certainly possibilities for both, but that is my preference.

@darkr3x:
I actually like both your tries here and cannot decide which I like better, but I am leaning toward the first one just because of the wonderful description and imagery you give.  The second one has its merits but just feels far too abrupt with the announcement of war.  What does Rex have to do with war, and what are pirates doing in a war in the first place?  These are questions that the story would have to deal with.

@sunandshadow:
I agree with your call that a lack of a name causes confusion.  I would like to see you make the attempt with it just the same, however, because while it is a lot of work I think if you manage to figure out a way to get it 'right' you will be rewarded by having really improved your writing skill and managed to get a very good story in the process.  That said I agree that your second version carries more emotion.

@Altamont:
Oddly my critique for you is more about your story idea then your openings (for the record I like your first attempt better as I agree that the second is too slow).  My comment is that a story like this can work but there must be some other conflict going on first to drive the story forward as it is gradually revealed that this is a post-war setting.  The reason is basically that something needs to be going on to hold the reader's interest.  For example, maybe there is some feud going on as the initial conflict of the story, which gradually leads to events that reveal what is going on.  Also, I am not a fan of settings that make humans out to be evil or reduce them to animals, I believe it is way to cliche in the fandom and have yet to see it give good results.

Again, sorry for taking so long to get these to everyone.


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## Altamont (May 14, 2010)

@kitreshawn

There is an internal conflict to the story, I just didn't know if it was proper for me to go in to full detail just et. It involves the tiger male, who is the doctor of the neighborhood. Essentially, bandits attack the town, and Sir Tiger is the only one to fight back. Instead of gratitude, however he recieves ire because the gang will return for payback. The majority of the story focuses on the main woman's conflicts over her beliefs in this doctor fellow and those of her faith in the neighborhood itself. Essentially the focus is not on the animal-ness (?) of human kind but of which is more destructive: Clinging to a society that is no longer there or heading off into the unknown future.


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## darkr3x (May 15, 2010)

kitreshawn said:


> @darkr3x:
> I actually like both your tries here and cannot decide which I like better, but I am leaning toward the first one just because of the wonderful description and imagery you give.  The second one has its merits but just feels far too abrupt with the announcement of war.  What does Rex have to do with war, and what are pirates doing in a war in the first place?  These are questions that the story would have to deal with.



Well, in universe Gar-neil rolls out of the Loh Mountains to recreate a new Loh empire. He is attacking Shay(which is where the second scene with Lysander is), Fareh(where Rex is coming from) and The End(a forest and mountain range that the Canine, Feline and Bovine clans and their respective allies call home) Ly has just returned from the front for new years and is intent on going home to spend New years eve at home with Brielle (the love of his life) however things don't go well. This is the start of Ly's thread leading up to his joining the story in chapter five. It seemed like just as good a place to start as being inside of Rex's head.

your stuff:
I like the second and third pieces, but it stems from how established they make the setting feel more so than style. I think the first might be best with a few more lines of description to give a bit more context, right now it's very vague. As they are i'd go with the third to lead in on the story, but it is the longest bit and gives the most insight into the universe I'll be reading about.


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## sunandshadow (May 15, 2010)

kitreshawn said:


> @sunandshadow:
> I agree with your call that a lack of a name causes confusion.  I would like to see you make the attempt with it just the same, however, because while it is a lot of work I think if you manage to figure out a way to get it 'right' you will be rewarded by having really improved your writing skill and managed to get a very good story in the process.  That said I agree that your second version carries more emotion.


I never particularly liked stories which leave an important character unnamed, I don't think that adds anything to the story and it makes the story difficult to discuss with other people.  I think that leaving characters unnamed is a good way to signal to the reader that "this is a minor character, don't be too intensely interested in them because they won't be in the story much."  Between the first version and the second I realized that the Duke was going to get enough "screen time" to need a name.  I think the third version of this opening will give him a physical description too.  I keep wishing I could think of a way for him to still be alive, but that would demolish my current idea of why and how the story gets started.

Anyone have an opinion on that?  Should the story start with the Duke's death like this, or should he be alive and then I have to figure out some other reason Senna sees her son for the first time in 20 years?


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## darkr3x (May 15, 2010)

sunandshadow said:


> I never particularly liked stories which leave an important character unnamed, I don't think that adds anything to the story and it makes the story difficult to discuss with other people.  I think that leaving characters unnamed is a good way to signal to the reader that "this is a minor character, don't be too intensely interested in them because they won't be in the story much."  Between the first version and the second I realized that the Duke was going to get enough "screen time" to need a name.  I think the third version of this opening will give him a physical description too.  I keep wishing I could think of a way for him to still be alive, but that would demolish my current idea of why and how the story gets started.
> 
> Anyone have an opinion on that?  Should the story start with the Duke's death like this, or should he be alive and then I have to figure out some other reason Senna sees her son for the first time in 20 years?



Well, from what I've gathered it's not like Senna and the Duke really spent a lot of time together so what would she really remember besides how much he hated her?


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