# Memories (WIP)



## Dragon-lover (Sep 28, 2009)

G'day all..... well it's been almost two years since I last tries my claws at trying to write something worth reading..

And this is what I have so far... Keep in mind that it's still very much a WIP so any tips you could give me or errors that you see could could point out would be great..

There's still Alot more of this I have to plan/write, But I have a good idea where it's going as a story.. 

I hope you enjoy it.. 

*(I would have just posted a Link to my FA, but I thought I'd save you time having to download it by just posting it here.. it's not very long)*

By the way, forgot to tell you that i found managed forex trading <---- (*What the hell is this???.. How did spam get in there*?)
And here is one more thing, do you still looking for Reliable Investment investment company


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## Dragon-lover (Sep 28, 2009)

*BEGINNING?*​A lone figure sat on the end of his bed, his eyes fixed on the mirror that hung on the adjacent wall. 
He wasn​​​​â€™t looking at the mirror, but though it, his mind a million miles away. 
His green eyeâ€™s unfocused and distant. 

Jack couldnâ€™t remember why he had set his alarm so early, the sun had raised just enough to barely lighten his room and the streets beneath his window were quiet, except for the sounds of the morning winds.

The bed creaked as Jack got to his feet, the way it always had. Walking closer to the mirror, jack brushed his bare chest with his paws, grey hairs more noticeable than ever were spread randomly over his body. Standing face to face with his reflection, he laughed, 
â€œ_I never thought getting old would happen so darn quickly_â€ he spoke softly to it and smiled, happy that it had agreed.

The apartment itself wasnâ€™t big by any standards, yet it wasnâ€™t tiny by any either, three bedrooms a kitchen and a bathroom. It was a home, and one that had sheltered the Greenfield family for many years, and signs of it were everywhere. But now the house was nearing the end of its tale.

Jack slowly made his way down dim the hallway, stopping suddenly at the first door he came to. The door was painted a cherry blossom pink, and glittered letters spelt the word S-C-A-R-L-E-T across the middle of the door. 
Jack sighed to himself before taking hold of the door knob and turning it. The sudden light from within the room blinded jack for a few moments, but as his eyes became adjusted he could see around the room. 

The walls that were painted in the same color as the door, were covered in posters depicting young boys and bands he had never heard of, the room was furnished with all the things a young teenage girl would want, and in the bed he could see the peaceful sleeping face of his little girl. Her fur on her face and muzzle was the same light-grey as her motherâ€™s; in almost every way she was the splitting image of her mother, except for her eyes, she had her fatherâ€™s eyes. 
The image of the room slowly faded away, returning Jack back to reality. The room was very different now; though the color remained the same, the room seemed dimmer and lifeless. 
The posters were long gone, as were the furnishings, the room was empty, except for the bed. 
When Scarlet left home to live her own life, she had no room for it in the truck. So in the room it stayed, 
Jack slowly closed the door and continued down the hall and into the bathroom.

Turning off the taps and stepping out of the shower, Jack closed his eyes and listened hard. In his mind he could her knocking and the voice of his eldest son. â€œ_Dad, come on! Iâ€™m going to be late to the dance_â€ slowly the voice was replaced by the sound of water dripping from his wet black fur. Taking a damp paw, Jack rubbed the condensation off the mirror and looked at himself again. 
Through the moisture and droplets of water he could see himself as he did the day of his sonâ€™s graduation dance, He was younger then, his fur jet-black and trimmed, his teeth shone with reflected light.

â€œ_Donâ€™t worry Jim, donâ€™t you kids know, itâ€™s cool to be a little late_â€ He could hear the conversation playing over in his mind. â€œ_Thatâ€™s only in movies Dad, now hurry up!_â€ Jack smiled at his refection again as the clean cut black fur on the face that stared back became longer and tainted with grey. ​


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## Volpino (Sep 28, 2009)

I'll post more for you tomorrow. It's a good start. I'm definitely interested in seeing more.

Just a few touch up type things to suggest, but it's too late for me to at it tonight. =)


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## Dragon-lover (Sep 29, 2009)

Vupino said:


> I'll post more for you tomorrow. It's a good start. I'm definitely interested in seeing more.
> 
> Just a few touch up type things to suggest, but it's too late for me to at it tonight. =)


 
No worries,

Thanks for taking the time to read it, I look forward to hearing what you have to say.


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## Volpino (Sep 29, 2009)

I'm just using the format I'm used to from prior experience on reviewing this. I hope it doesn't sound too nit-picky. The format I use was designed to help improve writers, so staff was required to comment on stories.

First off, thanks for changing the font. That does make it so much easier to read. There's no way to format stories well on a bb, but upping the font size and insuring a good sans serif font helps. (The editor in me insists on adding that you should never submit a story in print in a sans serif font, but that should be part of any submission guidelines. If it's not, then... Ug, I know they allow profanity on the forums, but I still can't bring myself to type: the "v" and "p" words.... ARG! Ok, Vanity Press... I said it.)

I like the mood you've managed to create with this. I've seen lots of writers try and take advantage of that kind of "pleasant cloudiness" that you have when any story first begins to throw in a few disjointed thoughts, scenes, or um... Memories.  Most overdo it. I'd say you're right about on the border with this. It wouldn't suffer from a little more clarity, but you're at a good point as long as you don't bring in more without delving in clearing up more on what you have.

In simpler terms. Avoid bringing in more fragmented memories without first going into more detail on the ones you have, or moving further forward with the story.

A real simple thing that helps the reader out a *lot* that most writers over-look (it's an editor's job to fix, but most editors like to have their lazy side appealed to) is watching how you use contractions in a sentence. When you're writing, you tend to write out the words in your head, like "cannot" instead of "can't." Both are correct, but you want to use the longer version sparingly. It acts like a more subtle version of a misplaced comma: slowing the reader down just slightly. You only want to do that when you mean to do that.

When you bring something new into the story, it never hurts to ask yourself, "Could that have come in earlier?" That was my thought when I read the comment on setting the alarm. It's the first time we've heard of alarm clock. I think it's good where it's at actually, but the question did pop into my mind.

I'm not sure how the real formatting is on your flashbacks. The bb was hard on that. Generally, flashbacks are cohesive wholes separated on each end by an extra space, a centered graphic or wingding, sometimes even a hard return. For a submission, unless the guidelines say otherwise or it fits a chapter break,  you'd want an extra space.

Hope that helps. If it seems like the comments are as long as the story, realize that now that the comment is made, it wouldn't need to be made in a longer piece anymore. I've critiqued novels where I didn't find much more than this after the first few pages. I've also critiqued shorter complete stories that had twice this.

Keep on writing. =) I'd like to see more of this.


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## Dragon-lover (Sep 29, 2009)

Vupino said:


> I'm just using the format I'm used to from prior experience on reviewing this. I hope it doesn't sound too nit-picky. The format I use was designed to help improve writers, so staff was required to comment on stories.
> 
> First off, thanks for changing the font. That does make it so much easier to read. There's no way to format stories well on a bb, but upping the font size and insuring a good sans serif font helps. (The editor in me insists on adding that you should never submit a story in print in a sans serif font, but that should be part of any submission guidelines. If it's not, then... Ug, I know they allow profanity on the forums, but I still can't bring myself to type: the "v" and "p" words.... ARG! Ok, Vanity Press... I said it.)
> 
> ...


 
Thanks for your comments mate.. 

I'll take them all on board when I sit down and start writing again tonight. I was wondering how a reader would view Jacks flashbacks


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## Volpino (Sep 30, 2009)

Dragon-lover said:


> Thanks for your comments mate..
> 
> I'll take them all on board when I sit down and start writing again tonight. I was wondering how a reader would view Jacks flashbacks



You're welcome. The flashback were only remotely confusing because of the board mechanics. They just need more detail. Which, I'm guessing is why they're there.


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## Atrak (Sep 30, 2009)

Hey, Vupino. I lack experience when it comes to critiquing writing styles, but I'm a stickler for grammer  . In the third line,





> He wasn​â€™t looking at the mirror, but though it, his mind a million miles away.​


I believe you meant through, not though. You also failed to capitalize Jack several times. In this part,





> â€œ_I never thought getting old would happen so darn quickly_â€ he spoke softly to it and smiled, happy that it had agreed.


You shouldn't use quotes AND italicize. Quotes generally indicate speech, while italicize shows thoughts. If you are hand-writing this, you could use single-quotes to show thoughts. Also, you need a comma after quickly, inside the quotes, like so: 





> "...darn quickly," he spoke...


Other than that, sounds interesting  . I'm not sure if I would like it, because I'm more into fantasy or sci-fi kind of stuff, but I'm sensing an undertone that hints at something more than just a dad remembering his kids. Can't wait for more, but I suppose I'll have to wait  .


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