# The New World



## oliv897 (Jul 30, 2009)

Some people could rate this for me and tell me if i should finish it?


Chapter I: The End


It was the year 2500BC when the forgotten empire the Atlanteans ruled over the Universe, 
They were said to be the most advanced beings of this Universe and far more advanced than there others what we now call today, Humans.


Atlantis was not under the Sea as most Legends and Fables told but rather on an island the part of the island that had the sea running straight under it the pat of the island that was held up by one pillar and only 1.


They came to realize that not only was that very dangerous but also the other parts of the island were home to strange beasts like you could never imagine so they decided there was only one thing they could do.


Remember when I told you that they were the most advanced beings in the universe?


Well the Atlanteans had everything you could want and imagine apart from a dream a dream to touch the sky and be with the gods in the heavens above so they decided that would be the safest option so they set out to design and build the ultimate space-ship you have and will probably ever see in your life time!


So they built that space-ship down to every bolt everything was as planned but what they did not realize was that one day not to far in the distant future other's(Humans) would be flying threw the heavens to find the planet they may be calling home for the next Mellenia!


â€œKabodokus Calibrated!â€ shouted one man! â€œSithiclus Active and Ready Sir!â€ shouted another.


They loaded there ship with goods for the new world and of course the people who would one day live in the new world, The ship however was quite unique as it had a built in computer with the power of over 1 PS1 and 1 Xbox classic that's nearly as much as a standard washing machine!


The computer would fly the ship to the new world which meant in turn no pilots were needed, They loaded the future people into Cryogenic Animators which is kinda like a giant freezer and froze them the ship was launched after completion in 2000BC that means it took 500 years to build and program!


The ship disappeared right before the peoples eyes and that was all anyone had herd from it, People went back to the sorry little lives and got on with what they do.


The documents and star dates and even navigational maps to the new world were put into a chest and sunk on a ship for out into the Atlantic ocean so no one may see or interfere with the ship ever again.


Suddenly the pillar broke and the part of the island they were all living on fell and sunk into the ocean to be seen no more!




The Beginning!




Chapter II: The Beginning 


Our story takes place in 2009 about 5000 years after the first ship was sent out among the stars and was forgotten about until now....


Ben was a normal boy at the age of 10 since he was 6 years old he has dreamt of living in Atlantis and exploring the stars, Quite normal for a boy of his age apart from he likes to read these comic books imported from Hong-Kong and he really liked looking at the ads at the back, One which took his eye was a small box in the corner said to be advertised by the government of the United States!


In this box was written â€œWant to explore the stars? Then sign up to our Space exploration societyâ€
He could not wait to read the rest and signed up you see it said at the bottom that he may and will be taken from his home and family if the need arises.


But lets get back to his life now........


â€œMum the school bus is hereâ€ shouted Ben â€œsee you later darlingâ€ replied his Mother, The journey to school was the same as ever you got the jocks and bully's at the back the cool kids in the middle and the nerds at the front unfortunately there was one placed reserved for him the front seat!


School was nothing better until a breaking news cast come over the TV and Radio......


â€œReports are in the while diving at the Titanic a small craft was recovered in the wreckage scientists believe that the craft was not part of the Titanic but rather an ancient ship from the year 2000BC they are muffled of how the ship could have been built using the technologies of there time but it is clear that what we have found is going to be searched and that we may not be alone in the universe!â€


Right said Jake, Ben's best friend. Jake was a normal 11 year old who spent all his time playing computer games unlike Ben he did not believe that there are aliens nor were there an ancient race of people he believed that God made Man in his image and that science is an accident waiting to happen, Ben did agree with him if science keeps up it may one day destroy the Earth!


Just then a load of armed soldiers marched into the school and told Ben he was under arrest they read his rights to him and put him in the back of the military truck, Ben was very scared the journey was very bumpy and they made him keep a sack on his head so he may not see where they are taking him!


3 hours passed and then light came rushing threw the sack a tall skinny man Asked â€œdid you or did you not sign up for our space exploration society?â€


Yes replied Ben â€œThen we must show you your quarters where you will be living for the next 2 yearsâ€ 2YEARS! Thought Ben he was very scared but was keen to see where he was and where he would be sleeping for the next 2 years he followed the man into a dormitory the man then said
â€œPlease go straight to sleep you can talk to your new friends tomorrow and start our aptitude test goodnightâ€


Page 1


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## Bladespark (Jul 30, 2009)

Well... it's really rough.  Really, really rough.  I don't think I could say if you "should" finish it or not.  Depends on what your goal is.  If the goal is publication, then I wouldn't bother unless you're prepared to put in a LOT of editing, and go to a lot of trouble to get people to help you with some of the grammatical problems, etc.  If the goal is to have fun writing and share a story that some people might enjoy on FA or some other internet site, sure, go ahead!  It's not unreadable, certainly, but it does read like a very, very rough draft.


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## oliv897 (Jul 30, 2009)

its spelling is correct i had he purfect teachers at school bludy nuts as kitedj can tell ya but good!


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## GraemeLion (Jul 30, 2009)

Hmm.

Stephen King once said "Write the first draft with closed doors, and the second with open."  

I wouldn't know where to start here.   I guess consistency would be the first thing.  You need to get your paragraphs spaced right, and your spelling fixed up.  That way, at least, it'd be readable. 

Dialogue should have its own paragraph for every speaker.

I'd also write out all numbers.

Umm. 

It's got a long way to go.  A long, long way.


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## AshleyAshes (Jul 30, 2009)

oliv897 said:


> its spelling is correct i had he purfect teachers at school bludy nuts as kitedj can tell ya but good!


 
This line isn't helping your case...


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## kitedj (Jul 30, 2009)

oliv897 said:


> its spelling is correct i had he purfect teachers at school bludy nuts as kitedj can tell ya but good!


nuts as me what do you mean by that?


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## oliv897 (Jul 30, 2009)

no kitedj you were at the school and you could tell them how nuts our teachers were deff Bryan lol


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## Murphy Z (Jul 30, 2009)

When's "Chapter III: The Middle" coming out?

Keep revising and adding things to it...


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## Tanzenlicht (Jul 30, 2009)

Please stop.  If you really think this is presentable as a story, please just stop now and do something else with your time.

If you're trolling...well played.


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## Bladespark (Jul 30, 2009)

oliv897 said:


> its spelling is correct i had he purfect teachers at school bludy nuts as kitedj can tell ya but good!



Ah, so you're not a writer, you're a troll.  Right.  

Why do I even bother to try and crit people anymore?  If it's not trolls it's people who are bloody ungrateful for the crit and argue with me about it.  No wonder this community is so dead.


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## Aurali (Jul 30, 2009)

I could say a lot of things. but I won't. Flesh out your work if you are serious.


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## GraemeLion (Jul 30, 2009)

Tanzenlicht said:


> Please stop.  If you really think this is presentable as a story, please just stop now and do something else with your time.
> 
> If you're trolling...well played.



Why's it well played if he's a troll?  We tried to help, and offered some legitimate help.  

So is it now trolling when someone comes in, lies about their methods, and receives legitimate help?


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## Tanzenlicht (Jul 30, 2009)

Well it was working.  He started out with a crap post and a plea for advice and is becoming increasingly less coherent in the hopes of provoking us.  Which is a artful and subtle sort of trolling.  But likely to degenerate into a flaming angerfest.

We're on to him now, though.

Or he might just be a plain old idiot.


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## Amino (Jul 31, 2009)

Nice troll. Had me raging hard while reading it. Then I was like "Hurr durr hurf."
7/10 well played. Sad thing is that the majority of "furry writers" aren't capable of much more than this level of pure crap.


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## oliv897 (Jul 31, 2009)

this is just the first writting part i have not edited it yet this is just the plain out of the writter script.

I intend to find out first if people want it changed a little so then i can change it then edit it!

But i see i am not a good writter so can someday close this post?


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## M. LeRenard (Jul 31, 2009)

If you want it closed, PM a moderator.
Also, please edit something yourself before you ask for peoples' opinions.


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## Bladespark (Jul 31, 2009)

You got real, genuine feedback from at least two people.  You ignored it.  If you don't want to hear what people say about your writing, don't flipping post it.


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## oliv897 (Jul 31, 2009)

i do want to hear about them but i aint posting thanks after everyone


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## Bladespark (Jul 31, 2009)

Well, you'll never get a read or a critique from me again.  If you find typing the word "thanks" to be too much effort, I find reading your writing to be too much effort.


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## oliv897 (Aug 1, 2009)

i would type thanks but after a few if ya know what i mean but thanks anyway i will keep in mind what you said for me next writting if i do any lol


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