# Arsewiper' Academy



## Schwimmwagen (Feb 3, 2013)

ITT

We are going to talk about the wiping of asses. 

Yes. Our ancestors have (hopefully) been wiping their backsides since the dawn of time. However, wiping one's arse is not an exact science, and there are many ways one could have gone about doing it, as we haven't had toilet paper forever, you know. Pirates would wipe their asses on ropes for sails and anchor lines, for examples. Cowboys would resort to corncobs. The french used hemp leaves. The greeks? Stones. Tropical people? Jagged fragments of coconut shell.  Vikings? Fistfuls of wool straight from living sheep. Early homo sapiens? Their friends. Mid-easterns? Their bare left hands. 

Creative, no?

Thankfully we need not resort to these methods since we have the magic that is the toilet paper, which can range from pillow soft to paper bag. Either way, it's effective.

Yet at the same time, we have developed so many methods to use this incredible, sometimes desperately sought-after tool. You may have become comfortable with a certain technique whilst cleansing your abyss (or that of other people, if you are in the nursing/babysitting profession).

Anyway without further ado, lets get right on to my ass-wiping guide.

*COMMON METHODS OF ASS-WIPING YOU SHOULD ALL KNOW*

*The Front2Back*

An all time classic. This method is the AK-47 of asswiping. Any dumb illiterate shitter can learn how it works, use it, and employ it effectively. A method you use when you absolutely, positively have to clean every piece of shit off of your ass. It's really simple. All one has to do is take a length of toilet paper of any size they may wish, and place it just behind their balls/cooch, and _drag_ all the way to the top of their crack, then fold, then repeat until the job is done. Use extra lengths of TP if necessary. Then BAM, flush that cunt and then get back to whatever the fuck it was you were doing earlier. Easy.
The perfect, easy method. It neither fails horribly, yet it cannot be trusted to be 100% efficient. However, you can never go wrong with it, especially if you're a beginner.

*The Sloppy Joe*

This method requires extra steps, but it is god damned effective for making sure your ass is cleaner than the Front2Back will typically allow. This requires you to sprinkle a _little bit_ of water onto your toilet paper, and then wipe in whatever motion you please. Beware though, as this can make thick clumps of semi-dry shit stuck on your ass turn to liquid and then cause raging torrents of poowater to dribble all the way down your legs, into your pants, and into your socks, shoes, and the floor. 
Make ABSOLUTELY GOD DAMN SURE of the amount of water you use, and the brand of toilet paper you use. The more absorbent brands are the most trustworthy and far less prone to malfunction.

*The Viking Warrior*

This is the fastest and easiest technique, yet it is risky and requires confidence on behalf of the asswiper. It traces its roots back to the viking period where viking warriors would shit in the freezing wastes of the north. They were brave men who needed to shit in the heat of combat, and finish the process fast enough so that they could return to the slaughter as fast as possible and not have their hanging testicles frozen. They also used fistfuls of sheep wool, but we will use toilet paper. To begin, grab as much toilet paper as fucking possible, crush it into a ball, and wipe your god damn ass. Wipe it back and forth with that one fistful, scrub as hard as you can, then throw it in the bin, leave, and don't look back. FUCKING DONE. Metal as shit. 
Excellent for those in a hurry. It is also recommended amongst those hairy vikings as shitnuggets get caught in their ass-beards frequently, so vigorous scrubbing is needed to get them out, which most other methods lack.
Note that the vigorous scrubbing can cause little scratches in the ass crack which might get infected and all diseased and nasty and you'd end up with a shitload of anus acne and if you're a submissive gay, you will never get laid again. Be careful when trying this method. If you are hairy, the hair may protect you, but it's safer to be a little more patient with your shit if you are not a viking. If you have particularly large fists, this method may result in toilet blockages.
This method is also known as crumpling.

*The Allahu Ackbar*

Imagine yourself at work, in a bar, a resturaunt, your crush's house, whatever, and you're taking a shit. Fun, right? Not until you realise THAT THERE IS NO FUCKING TOILET PAPER. ALLAH HAS FORSAKEN US. In such a desperate time, you are chosen to take one for the team, and end it all with the most extreme, desperate, self-destructive method ever. This is emotionally distressing, but I am here to guide you in this endeavor. First, you must take your left hand (_must_ be your left). You may lean forward or stand up, make yourself comfortable, it's your life. Now at this point you may use absolutely any method you desire to clean your arse, but you have to do it all completely bare-handed due to the lack of ammo. You will have to suffer the feeling of your own warm shit against your bare, clean skin. Go at your own pace, pray as much as you like, but I suggest you get the painful part done as quickly as possible. 
*Upon completion, wash your hands thoroughly*.
I absolutely do not condone this method, but at times, it may be a necessity and I will not judge you for doing what is necessary for survival. Always check that you have sufficient ammunition supply before pooping. You absolutely do not want to be caught without the correct supply for cleaning oneself after relieving oneself.

*The Curious Periscope*

Do you ever wonder that you may have missed anything in your expedition? Wrap toilet paper around whatever finger you're comfortable with and go ahead and investigate! Dig a little, too. This is especially useful if you are a person who has a history of poor wiping techniques and needs to remove any offending residue from their rim.
Be mindful of how much paper is actually protecting your finger, and be mindful of how thick the paper is. And be sure to cut your fingernails short, as to prevent any accidental rectal stabbing.
This may also be done with a suitably cylindrical object with toilet paper wrapped around it.

*The Dual Flush*

This method requires two people to perform. One person is the shitter, and the other stands at the ready with an enema kit. Upon completion of the shit, the shitter must lean forward and the team member with the enema kit must apply the kit to your cornhole as appropriate. The enema kit may be filled with water, mildly soapy water, or beer. The objective is to flush out the shitter's intestinal tract in one procedure. When all the enema kit's fluid is expended, the kit user may remove the tube from the shitter's anus, but be wary, as this causes a huge mess and must be directed to the bowl as the arse expends its contents, ranging from half-digested food to live rodents. The intestinal tract is flushed, and the contents can be flushed down the toilet, creating a dual-flush effect.
Recommended for those undergoing medical treatment, and porn stars. Embarassing for both involved. Not recommended unless done for the greater good.

*The Bandage*

This method is quite similar to the Front2Back, yet it involves wrapping the paper _around_ your hand. It is an efficient method, but requires practise as inexperienced wipers may find themselves getting tied into one really shitty knot.

*The Only Way To Be Sure*

This method is commonly thought to be extreme overkill, yet it is absolutely damned effective. It requires some extra heavy-duty equipment that only the rich posess. A bidet. One simply shits, and they then sit over the bidet and activate its high-tech weapon systems. In a flurry of high-pressure clean water, it will blast every single bit of shit off of your ass, and can even be employed to produce a similar effect to the dual-flush. It is however, destructive, and will soak your innocent clothes and thighs if you are careless. It may be necessary to dry with the aid of loo roll once done.
10/10, absolutely fail-safe, wish it were more accessible.

*The Demented Psychopath*

Step 1: Remove pants
Step 2: SHIT
Step 3: Put pants back on

Would applaud, but not endorse.

And so that concludes my shitting guide! May these methods help you in the future. Contributions welcome.


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## Aetius (Feb 3, 2013)

Greatest shit thread ever.


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## Caden_The_Dingo (Feb 3, 2013)

These are methods to live by people, pay attention.


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## Toshabi (Feb 3, 2013)

Thanks to this thread, people finally don't have a reason to call me an ass.


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## Kalmor (Feb 3, 2013)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Gibby you legend! You may have just made the best thread EVER!

Oh my.... I'm literally laughing my ass off here!


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## Caden_The_Dingo (Feb 3, 2013)

Raptros said:


> Oh my.... I'm literally laughing my ass off here!


Don't forget to wipe it


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## Kit H. Ruppell (Feb 3, 2013)

*The Shitacean*
 An unconventional, marine mammal inspired method. It involves taking a large amount of laxatives , walking into a large body of water (could be a river, but the ocean is preferred) and taking an explosive liquid shit below the surface. No need to wipe.


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## Kalmor (Feb 3, 2013)

Caden_The_Dingo said:


> Don't forget to wipe it


Oh fuck, too late, I've just done a "demented psychopath".....


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## Dubkinz (Feb 3, 2013)

This thread was nothing but shit


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## Azure (Feb 3, 2013)

I thought this was going to be a thread about furries and the internet and hugboxes. I was pleasantly surprised and am a big fag of the Bandage method, it both preserves toilet paper and give a dual wipe opportunity as well a pincer power, though you must be careful to not rip out any hairs because that is painful.


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## Kalmor (Feb 3, 2013)

*The American:*

This method is exreamely dangerous and should only be attempted by true Americans. The method involves taking one of the guns in your arsenal (lol) and wiping your arse with it similar to the back to front method. Make you put the safety latch on before attempting to reduce the chance of..... accidents. Wash the gun in the wash basin after use.

We are not liable for any injuries involving blocked barrels by shit, use with caution.

:V


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## Toshabi (Feb 3, 2013)

Raptros said:


> *The American:*
> 
> This method is exreamely dangerous and should only be attempted by true Americans. The method involves taking one of the guns in your arsenal (lol) and wiping your arse with it similar to the back to front method. Make you put the safety latch on before attempting to reduce the chance of..... accidents. Wash the gun in the wash basin after use.
> 
> ...




Leave the humor to the OP-


OH! :V! That makes it funny! 



Forget what I said.


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## Day Coydog (Feb 3, 2013)

Raptros said:


> wash basin


I can only guess you mean a sink.


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## Kalmor (Feb 3, 2013)

Day Coydog said:


> I can only guess you mean a sink.


Yes.


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## Butters Shikkon (Feb 3, 2013)

*enters thread*

Oh my goodness...I bet this'll be about some school that pissed Gibby off. C: 



Gibby said:


> ITT
> 
> We are going to talk about the wiping of asses.



:C 

*leaves thread*


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## Hyrax_Wolfe (Feb 3, 2013)

I can no longer wipe my ass without knowing there is skill and technique behind it all. Applause to you, Gibby!


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## dinosaurdammit (Feb 3, 2013)

10/10 laughed, husband laughed too and now we are discussing ass wiping


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## Percy (Feb 3, 2013)

I would've never known that wiping one's ass was that complicated.


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## RadioactiveRedFox (Feb 3, 2013)

This thread is hilarious. I'll never see ass wiping in quite the same way again.


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## Dreaming (Feb 3, 2013)

Toilet paper? That's so last year

Fuck your Scottex, I'll stick to the bidet, my ass will know what true hygiene is


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## Tigercougar (Feb 3, 2013)

*Reads OP's post, assumes OP has shit fetish, leaves thread*


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## KatmanDu (Feb 4, 2013)

Fold or scrunch? Or a combo of both?

For the truly anally retentive: Place roll with paper coming off the top, or the bottom?


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## Llamapotamus (Feb 4, 2013)

KatmanDu said:


> Fold or scrunch? Or a combo of both?
> 
> For the truly *anally retentive*: Place roll with paper coming off the top, or the bottom?



You just had to, didn't you? Now that you mention it, I prefer paper off the top. THIS IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE.


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## Hinalle K. (Feb 4, 2013)

Weeeell, it's mostly India that does the Allahu Akbar method.
Don't EVER shake hands or eat from local restaurants if you find yourself there someday :v


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## Inciatus (Feb 4, 2013)

I love you. Thank you for this.


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## CannonFodder (Feb 4, 2013)

Also there's the viking funeral method.  Like the viking warrior method, but faster.
Would not suggest it to anyone with a ass not strong enough to chop a dick off if you squeeze.


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## Mayfurr (Feb 4, 2013)

Llamapotamus said:


> You just had to, didn't you? Now that you mention it, I prefer paper off the top. THIS IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE.



As long as it's not "Samuel Jackson"-branded toilet paper, because that don't take no shit from anyone 

As far as the Arsewiper techniques are concerned, I humbly submit the "Everest" technique (as described by Brian Blessed(1) from 8:40 in the linked clip), where ar 26,000 feet altitude one takes a dump over the edge of a cliff at 2am _and the updraft blows the turd away from your buttocks and onto your shoulder_. Not recommended for camping.

(1) Or should it be said, "as described by BRIAN BLESSED!"


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## badlands (Feb 4, 2013)

why oh why did i have to read this while eating my breakfast?


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## CaptainCool (Feb 4, 2013)

I am sending this from within the bathroom. I just took a massive dump and none of your techniques are working! Gibby, help me! ;__;


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## BRN (Feb 4, 2013)

CaptainCool said:


> I am sending this from within the bathroom. I just took a massive dump and none of your techniques are working! Gibby, help me! ;__;




What a crock of shit.


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## CynicalCirno (Feb 4, 2013)

Which technique is the most effective for people that have cholera?


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## Batty Krueger (Feb 4, 2013)

Well this was certainly unexpected.


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## Kit H. Ruppell (Feb 4, 2013)

Afterimage said:


> Which technique is the most effective for people that have cholera?


The Shitacean.


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## LizardKing (Feb 4, 2013)

I made a thread like this once and it got locked before the second page :[

Also I find that interspersing the F2B with the occasional - and carefully executed - B2F helps stop the mess slowly creep further up your crack as you wipe.

Edit: Also this leaves out the idea of using animals. Apparently a goose is the best. Couldn't possibly recommend a cat.


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## Ozriel (Feb 4, 2013)

I don't even...Is this even allowed?

The *Demented Psychopath* is also called the crackhead.


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## LizardKing (Feb 4, 2013)

Ozriel said:


> I don't even...Is this even allowed?



Everybody poops!


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## CaptainCool (Feb 4, 2013)

LizardKing said:


> Everybody poops!



I don't poop. I'm holding it back because I want to see how long it takes until I burst :3 FOR SCIENCE!!


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## Ozriel (Feb 4, 2013)

CaptainCool said:


> I don't poop. I'm holding it back because I want to see how long it takes until I burst :3 FOR SCIENCE!!



You'll die.
Or be in serious pain. :V


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## CaptainCool (Feb 4, 2013)

Ozriel said:


> You'll die.
> Or be in serious pain. :V



I have heard that if you hold it back long enough you will start vomiting poop. No idea whether that's true or not, I didn't bother researching that just yet


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## Sarcastic Coffeecup (Feb 4, 2013)

I have ascended beyond shitting


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## Harbinger (Feb 4, 2013)

I thought everyone here would want to bend around and lick their arses clean like the species they want to be 0_0

Happy to be proven wrong though :S


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## Ozriel (Feb 4, 2013)

CaptainCool said:


> I have heard that if you hold it back long enough you will start vomiting poop. No idea whether that's true or not, I didn't bother researching that just yet



So what happens when you eat with your butt?


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## Sutekh_the_Destroyer (Feb 4, 2013)

This is a bit of a ... *puts sunglasses on*... *shitty* thread.


... dear god, that was a cringingly clichÃ© and obvious pun.


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## RadioactiveRedFox (Feb 4, 2013)

Ozriel said:


> So what happens when you eat with your butt?



According to South Park, you will poop out your mouth.


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## Toshabi (Feb 4, 2013)

I tried all of these methods. Now it hurts to poop. :c


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## Fallowfox (Feb 4, 2013)

My ancestors came from the lands of the vikings. It is only right that I return to the ancient ways. I'm off to get a sheep.

[also according to QI live swan necks provide a temperate warmth to the bum-guts.]


Ozriel said:


> You'll die.
> Or be in serious pain. :V


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIoaRp9S_jQ
Doki66 made a cartoon about this.


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## Furry Anarchy (Feb 4, 2013)

What i want to know is, how the fuck did you find all of this out? 

I thought you were pissed with your school or somthing


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## Kosdu (Feb 4, 2013)

This is a bit disturbing....


Don't read this when you need to go to the bathroom >.<



(I'm like lol, I clean so much better, costs alot in toilet paper)


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## Fallowfox (Feb 4, 2013)

Furry Anarchy said:


> What i want to know is, how the fuck did you find all of this out?
> 
> I thought you were pissed with your school or somthing



Some of us read books on the throne, others make a more productive use of their time for the good of humanity and wiping technology as a whole.


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## Cross (Feb 4, 2013)

*The Shit N' Shower
*
This method was created by a Kung Poo monk named Ching Chong Pizzacoupon in the holy ç§ã®ãƒ­ãƒãŒå·ãƒ¯ãƒƒãƒ•ãƒ«ã‚½ãƒ¼ã‚»ãƒ¼ã‚¸è„‚è‚ªã§ã™-mountains.
While located inside a shower, gently take a crap in your dominant hand and turn towards a toilet. Now create a bond between you and your poo poo. Become one with it, feel it as if it were a extension of your body.
Now breathe in slowly, close your eyes and imagine that you are holding a mighty eagle... Now! Fast as a snake, Throw your eagle up in the air and guide it towards it's destination (the toilet). 
When you feel that the moment is right, strike!
If done correctly, your excrement should now be located inside the toilet, floating around silently like a koi fish during a breezy summer night.

:V


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## Furry Anarchy (Feb 4, 2013)

Fallowfox said:


> Some of us read books on the throne, others make a more productive use of their time for the good of humanity and wiping technology as a whole.


I go in shit then leave my bathrooms too cold to be doing any of that


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## Sutekh_the_Destroyer (Feb 4, 2013)

*Doctor Poo?

*
This method was created by some of the more hardcore _Doctor Who _fans. Rather than taking a dump in the loo, do it in a bucket. Now, this is when a bit of DIY comes in - you'll need to make a sonic screwdriver, and you can find out how on the internet. Now, once you've done that, point your sonic at the poo and vaporize that smelly shite - or send it into another dimension/time zone. Whatever you feel like.
The only side affect is the room then becomes rather smelly, so unless you've got some Febreeze knocking about your humble abode be prepared for some serious stink - and it only solves the problem of getting rid of your stinky. Toilet paper is required for completion of the task of wiping your bum-bum. Saves you money on the water bill, though.


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## Azure (Feb 4, 2013)

sort of on topic does anybody really enjoy when you take a giant shit and go to wipe AND THERE IS NOTHING TO WIPE? Super clean shitting status.


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## Riho (Feb 4, 2013)

Azure said:


> sort of on topic does anybody really enjoy when you take a giant shit and go to wipe AND THERE IS NOTHING TO WIPE? Super clean shitting status.


Your custom title is quite ridiculous in this case.

And I wipe anyway, just to make sure.
What if you accidentally ate invisible ink?
What if its some sort of smell residue?
Jesus Christ, gimme a minute alone to cry about what I'm doing with my life.


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## Namba (Feb 4, 2013)

10/10 Thread of the year.


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## Hinalle K. (Feb 5, 2013)

I forgot this tab was open and went on to do some other internet business

People seeing my name all day long in "users currently browsing this thread* must think so highly of me


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## Mayfurr (Feb 5, 2013)

CaptainCool said:


> I don't poop. I'm holding it back because I want to see how long it takes until I burst :3 FOR SCIENCE!!



You just don't give a shit, do you? 



Sutekh_the_Destroyer said:


> *Doctor Poo?*



[yt]ZahysN2sIIw[/yt]

_"Oh bloody hell! All of time and space at my fingertips and I can't find anywhere to drop my fudge!"_


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## Kit H. Ruppell (Feb 5, 2013)

*The Martin Ssempa*
Take a shit into your hand, throw it at the wall with a simian scream, and then make some other guy eat the rest like ice cream.


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## Fallowfox (Feb 19, 2013)

I have a useful addition to the sloppy joe. 

Deposit a small amount of soap on the tissue for the first application to increase cleanliness. 

Perform the actions while remaining seated to avoid water unpleasantly dribbling down your legs.


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## CynicalCirno (Feb 19, 2013)

Fallowfox said:


> I have a useful addition to the sloppy joe.
> 
> Deposit a small amount of soap on the tissue for the first application to increase cleanliness.
> 
> Perform the actions while remaining seated to avoid water unpleasantly dribbling down your legs.


Soap is easy mode. Real arsewipers use professional material for flawless hygiene.
Mercury for normal.
Phosphorous for hard.
Thermite for lunatic.
Could as well mash a watermelon and use the deformed bits as coolants for the chemical reaction.


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## ijoe (Aug 21, 2015)

This thread deserves a bump for old time's sake.
Bring your own beagle.


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## Azure (Aug 21, 2015)

so uh tmi but a nice tip that allows for easy evacuation of the bowels is to have something to put your feet on so you actually squat on the toilet and that shit comes FLYING OUT with little resistance


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## Schwimmwagen (Aug 21, 2015)

Azure said:


> so uh tmi but a nice tip that allows for easy evacuation of the bowels is to have something to put your feet on so you actually squat on the toilet and that shit comes FLYING OUT with little resistance



no, this is true, even people in india got this right.

when you pinch a loaf, you are working against nature.

There's a muscle the cuts the poopoo in half, as unintended. In the worst cases, this ends up being like wiping a marker.

When you shit in that position, you don't push, squeeze, force, nothing. The force you exert also causes anus problems and even increases the risk of prostate cancer.

You just relax like you're on a sofa or something and your poo slips out in just one single very long log.

You read that correct.

*You have all been shitting WRONG for your ENTIRE LIFE.*


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## LizardKing (Aug 21, 2015)

Azure said:


> so uh tmi but a nice tip that allows for easy evacuation of the bowels is to have something to put your feet on so you actually squat on the toilet and that shit comes FLYING OUT with little resistance



I can confirm that this is a useful tip


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## Azure (Aug 21, 2015)

Schwimmwagen said:


> no, this is true, even people in india got this right.
> 
> when you pinch a loaf, you are working against nature.
> 
> ...


america

we cant even SHIT right


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