# Finished Ch 1 of my new story



## pheonix (May 3, 2009)

So I had an idea for a story today and decided to start writing out chapter 1 just to introduce a few characters and start up the storyline. It is a bit slow I guess being that it is only chapter 1 but the next chapters to come will be more entertaining with the introduction of more characters at the party and some funny and drama based moments. The story is based around my fursona (a red fox) and his friends and the problems they go through on a daily basis. I hope it's slightly entertaining and I may add more to chapter 1 but need to know what you all think and a constructive criticism would be great. Hope you enjoy the read.

Ch 1 This Little Shell of Mine

As I awoke, I felt a sharp pain in between my eyes. I sat up and started to shake out the cobwebs from my mind. I slouched over and sat there trying to remember what I did last night. A few seconds later I feel the bed sink lower behind me. I feel whiskers slide by my side and a head nuzzled me softly as I hear the words "Are you alright?"
I opened my eyes in disbelief of the gender of the voice and then said "Yeah, I'm fine" in a very scratchy voice. I got up without looking back to see who it was and went to clean up in the bathroom.
I still had my clothes on so nothing much could have happened between us. I look over as I reach the bathroom and it's my best friend laying there completely naked in my bed. He's a gray husky by the name of John. He's tall and slim with a bleach blonde hair atop his head. I was more then a bit surprised at this and started to try and think how to approach the question stirring in my mind. He smirked at me and said "Boy you had a lot to drink last night."
I mumbled back "Umm...yeah, I did go a bit overboard." John jumped up and slipped on his boxers. While combing the clutter for his pants, I quickly asked him, "Did we umm...do anything last night?"
He started giggling at me and replied, "The day I break you out of your shell will be the day I die." I sighed in relief of his comment and started to clean up and get dressed for the day.
After a few minutes of silence, he asked "Hey, since neither of us are working today do you feel like going to the beach today?"
I didn't have to think long before smiling and saying, "Sure, thatâ€™d be great."
So we went downstairs and ate breakfast while having a little idle chit chat. After, we jumped in the car and started out drive to the beach. On the way, there was mostly silence till he asked me "Are you sure you're okay with last night?"
I quickly asked "whatya mean?" 
"The whole me passing out next to you nude thing."
"Oh, yeah I'm cool with it. As long as there wasn't any touching or anything."
I'm not gonna lie and say that I was comfortable with the situation but it'd pass shortly.
When we got to the beach it was a glorious day - cool breeze, big white clouds streaming across the sky, and the crystal blue waters ahead. 
"Perfect day to come here eh?" he said to me with a cocky I-told-you so tone in his voice.
â€œHehe yeah, it was a great idea.â€
I layed down the towels in the sand so we could relax while we ate the little bit of food I had packed for us. He looked at me with his mouth full of sandwich and asked me, "So, when are you finally gonna start looking again?"
"What...is that supposed to mean?" I knew very well what he meant but was trying to stall for time. "You know, it's been a year since you even looked at a girl." 
I had a really good relationship with a cute fox for about two and a half years before she cheated on me. I was devastated for months after, not doing much of anything but working. 
"I..." 
Before I could even start my response I hear Marley calling my name. "Hey Andy!"
"Oh thank God." I muttered under my breath.
Marley was this cute otter girl I met about four months ago, she was about my height and fit. She's a lifeguard so she swam a lot and looked good because of it. She was light brown in front and dark brown in the back but for some strange reason liked to dye the hair on her head all sorts of funky colors - which was actually very hot. This month, it was pink *licks chops*.
Anyways, back to the story. She finally got to us and said, "What are you guys doing here? You didn't call me to let me know you where coming?"
"It was sorta last minute." I quickly replied waveringly. I was always real tense around her and I always hoped that she didn't notice.
"Oh, well I get off in an hour so we can all hangout." 
John, even knowing I was straight, never liked the company of women while we had some alone time together. "Oh that's great." He muttered sarcastically under his breath. 
She started running back to her post and yelled back to us, "I'll be back soon guys!"
I grinned and turned to John. " Jealous much?" 
"Oh hush, I wanted to spend the day with you." 
I giggled a little and replied, "Lets go for a swim till she gets back." 
He excitedly accepted my offer and we took to the water. Now John would get real touchy feely with me in certain situations, and swimming just happened to be one of them.
We where splashing and playfully dunking each other. He jumped on my back and said with a seductive smile on his face, "I'm not getting off unless you do something nice for me." 
"Oh really? And what would that something nice be?"
"Nothing really just a sweet kiss on the lips" 
"Is that so?" I then let my legs go limp. We sat underwater for a bit before he started struggling to hold on. He finally gave in and surfaced.
"I hate it when you do that Andy." He said, very disappointed that he didn't get his way. 
"Well I'm not gonna be kissing any guys thank you very much." 
He splashed me and the playful games started again. After a bit we got out and sat in the sun to dry our fur.
"Ahhh, this is comfortable. I could fall asleep right here." said John. 
"Hey guys, I'm back." Marley said as she approached us. 
"If there weren't so many loud sluts here." John grumbled. 
"John!" I said in a displeased manner. 
"Just speaking my mind Andy, I didn't mean anyone specifically." 
"Yeah, right."
She finally got to us and asked us, "How has your day at the beach been?" 
"It's been great! Save anyone today?" 
She replied, "You know that doesn't happen everyday, John, and I'd rather it not have to happen." "So just another boring day for you, huh?" I asked trying not to be to silent with her presence. 
"It's never boring here at the beach" She replied with a blush look on her face. 
"You know there's a party at Andy's house tonight right?" John inserted.
"John, what the hell?" I whispered.
"Just trying to give you a little excitement."
"No, no one told me." She had this look on her face like she'd been waiting for something like this. "What time should I come?" 
"Around 6:00." John replied with no hesitation. 
"Great! I'll be there" She replied back excitedly as she turned to run off the beach. "See you boys at the party." 
I slapped my face and groaned, "Why the fuck did you just do that?" 
"Cause you wouldn't." He said with this sense of righteousness on his face. 
"You know nothing's gonna happen between us, so whatever you're planning it's not gonna work."
â€œWe'll just have to see about that, now wont we?" 
I felt like he knew something I didn't and that I was being set up for a situation I really didn't want at this time. He added at the end "If I can't have you someone might as well take you for a spin."
I sarcastically replied, "Thanks for being so caring."


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## Xipoid (May 5, 2009)

You might want to break paragraphs with each new speech focus. It is a bit difficult to try to decipher just who exactly is speaking or what tags go with whom. Indent as well. That really helps it from looking unfriendly.


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## pheonix (May 5, 2009)

Xipoid said:


> You might want to break paragraphs with each new speech focus. It is a bit difficult to try to decipher just who exactly is speaking or what tags go with whom. Indent as well. That really helps it from looking unfriendly.



Thanks for the advice, it's been quite some time since I've written a story and this is my first time doing it with anthro characters to.


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## nybx4life (May 5, 2009)

pheonix said:


> Thanks for the advice, it's been quite some time since I've written a story and this is my first time doing it with anthro characters to.


 
Aside from what he said, the event telling was alright, but it wasn't that good.

It seemed like the pace was a little too slow.

You have some bad parts (mostly at the end) and some good parts (the beginning seemed fine).


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## pheonix (May 5, 2009)

nybx4life said:


> Aside from what he said, the event telling was alright, but it wasn't that good.
> 
> It seemed like the pace was a little too slow.
> 
> You have some bad parts (mostly at the end) and some good parts (the beginning seemed fine).



I know what you're saying, I'll try and not drag scenes out for too long. I can see now where people can start to lose interest. Thanks, that's really good advice.


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## nybx4life (May 6, 2009)

pheonix said:


> I know what you're saying, I'll try and not drag scenes out for too long. I can see now where people can start to lose interest. Thanks, that's really good advice.


 
If you need some reference on how that stuff works (which, believe me, you might want to brush up on things like this), try looking at other people's stories. If it's good, analyze the parts that make it good. If it sucks, see why.


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## Rachez (May 7, 2009)

I don't want to be mean but your grammar's really bad. I know it doesn't seem that important but a good story has to have good grammar. The spelling gets a bit ropy towards the end as well. A few points you might want to work on-
- putting capital letters after full stops, you dont put them in alot
- puttingcapital letters at the beginnings of names
- removing capital letters at random points (there werent that many)
- taking a new line for some speech
- spelling! especially ones that spell check doesnt notice (clothes instead of cloths, sense instead of since etc.)
-And really if there's anything confusing about how it reads 

I hope this helps, I've just started out writing my own story and it feels good to read other people's.


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## pheonix (May 7, 2009)

Rachez said:


> I don't want to be mean but your grammar's really bad. I know it doesn't seem that important but a good story has to have good grammar. The spelling gets a bit ropy towards the end as well. A few points you might want to work on-
> - putting capital letters after full stops, you dont put them in alot
> - puttingcapital letters at the beginnings of names
> - removing capital letters at random points (there werent that many)
> ...



I used to have a friend who'd read my work for me and point things out for me to fix. Reading my own work I can only see so many mistakes and then they seem hidden from me till someone points them out. I'll keep all this in mind for next time but I can't be perfect and that's why I ask for help and advice.  Thanks. ^_^


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## Xipoid (May 7, 2009)

You could find a partner to read over your work before you put it out. Maybe even give a critique or opinion on the thing as a whole. Other than that, you could read some other works around here or from perhaps a library so you can see how other authors write. It can give you some insight to your own writing, so long as you keep yourself pretty open.


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## pheonix (May 7, 2009)

Xipoid said:


> You could find a partner to read over your work before you put it out. Maybe even give a critique or opinion on the thing as a whole. Other than that, you could read some other works around here or from perhaps a library so you can see how other authors write. It can give you some insight to your own writing, so long as you keep yourself pretty open.



I've been reading around. I've paused my story till I find a partner and till I feel that I can do this properly again. It's true what they say "use it or lose it" and I've lost it over time. I'll get better the more I read and write. Thanks for the advice you have to give. At least I have a decent idea to work with though.

I had someone revise it for me, how's it looking now? any better/worse?


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## Rachez (May 8, 2009)

pheonix said:


> I used to have a friend who'd read my work for me and point things out for me to fix. Reading my own work I can only see so many mistakes and then they seem hidden from me till someone points them out. I'll keep all this in mind for next time but I can't be perfect and that's why I ask for help and advice.  Thanks. ^_^


 
 Don't worry about it. Im a bit of a grammar nazi and perfectionist all muddled together. I'm getting my friends to read mine as well, I've missed out whole words in the attempt just to write it down and not noticed when I read it over. I'm glad to give you some help and advice. If you want you can send me your story via email and I can correct some things for you (I'll highlight what I did and if you don't like it you won't have to change it, thats what I'm doing with my friend). You dont need to, I feel like I'm being really pushy here, sorry =3 If you ever need help feel free to message me.


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## pheonix (May 8, 2009)

Rachez said:


> Don't worry about it. Im a bit of a grammar nazi and perfectionist all muddled together. I'm getting my friends to read mine as well, I've missed out whole words in the attempt just to write it down and not noticed when I read it over. I'm glad to give you some help and advice. If you want you can send me your story via email and I can correct some things for you (I'll highlight what I did and if you don't like it you won't have to change it, thats what I'm doing with my friend). You dont need to, I feel like I'm being really pushy here, sorry =3 If you ever need help feel free to message me.



I'll keep that in mind. It doesn't hurt to get help and advice from others, thanks again. ^_^


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## Xipoid (May 8, 2009)

pheonix said:


> I had someone revise it for me, how's it looking now? any better/worse?



Grammatically, it is much better and easier on the eyes. I'm going to ignore the lack of indentions because the forums do not really allow them in the sense we are looking at (you could use the indent tool, but it makes things rather wonky).


I can give you a less technical-oriented critique here, on the submission itself, or in a PM, whichever method you prefer should you so desire.


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## pheonix (May 8, 2009)

Xipoid said:


> Grammatically, it is much better and easier on the eyes. I'm going to ignore the lack of indentions because the forums do not really allow them in the sense we are looking at (you could use the indent tool, but it makes things rather wonky).
> 
> 
> I can give you a less technical-oriented critique here, on the submission itself, or in a PM, whichever method you prefer should you so desire.



Wherever is fine with me, here, there, or in a PM, whatever is easier. I'd appreciate it.


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## nybx4life (May 8, 2009)

It's doing better. So I'm assuming you're finding critique partners right now to help out with your work, right?


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## pheonix (May 8, 2009)

nybx4life said:


> It's doing better. So I'm assuming you're finding critique partners right now to help out with your work, right?



Of course, I found one so far but she wants me to find someone to double check her just in case but she did a wonderful job so far.


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## Xipoid (May 8, 2009)

Let's keep in mind that everything that follows in this post comes from a writer's standpoint and not of a reader's so it might be a little nitpick-ish. Not to mention, I'm not a great writer, so take it with a grain (or handful) of salt.

Grammatically, the story is relatively fine. I'm ignoring the lack of indents because the forums do not really allow for them and the indent tool makes things rather wonky. Storytelling, it needs some work. The plot itself I cannot comment on because that would be a matter of irrelevant opinion; however, the progression is a bit slow and haphazard. You could rectify this with more fluid transitions and sentence structure. For example:



> After a few minutes of silence, he asked "Hey, since neither of us are working today do you feel like going to the beach today?"
> I didn't have to think long before smiling and saying, "Sure, thatâ€™d be great."
> *So we went downstairs and ate breakfast* while having a little idle chit chat. After, we jumped in the car and started out drive to the beach. On the way, there was mostly silence till he asked me "Are you sure you're okay with last night?"


Personally, I would suggest rewording this and things like it. It gives the impression of "spoken word" storytelling as opposed to narration, which does not seem to fit with rest of the story. On the other hand, you could rework the story to be spoken word storytelling and in that case this would be permissible.

Beyond that, the characters themselves are not entirely interesting, but that may be due to the fact they are not very explored (which is something to be expected from the first installment of a multi-part series). You could mold out John and the main character's interactions and interface in more detail within the transitions or dialogue tags. This does affect the story a great deal since it revolves around character interaction at the moment.


Ambiguity: This is not a real error since it can be intended, but



> I mumbled back "Umm...yeah, I did go a bit overboard." *He jumped up and slipped on his boxers*. While combing the clutter for his pants, I quickly asked him, "Did we umm...do anything last night?"


does not really indicate who is looking for John's pants. The sentence in bold changes the focus from the speaker to John, but the sentence immediately following does the opposite. So a reader may interpret it as either John or the speaker doing the combing. It does not really change the story in either case, but it is something to keep your eye out for. Sometimes things like these can be more confusing than intended and may throw off the flow for the reader.


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## pheonix (May 8, 2009)

Xipoid said:


> Let's keep in mind that everything that follows in this post comes from a writer's standpoint and not of a reader's so it might be a little nitpick-ish. Not to mention, I'm not a great writer, so take it with a grain (or handful) of salt.
> 
> Grammatically, the story is relatively fine. I'm ignoring the lack of indents because the forums do not really allow for them and the indent tool makes things rather wonky. Storytelling, it needs some work. The plot itself I cannot comment on because that would be a matter of irrelevant opinion; however, the progression is a bit slow and haphazard. You could rectify this with more fluid transitions and sentence structure. For example:
> 
> ...



I appreciate the help, you pointed out some things that seemed to have alluded me originally. I'll fix all the problems when I get over my cold or whatever I have. I'm confident that I'll start to catch on again after I get a few things written and looked at. Advice like this will certainly go a far way.


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## Largentum_Wolf (Jun 28, 2009)

"Hey, since neither of us are working today do you feel like going to the beach today?"                          since this is the only thing no one seams to have pointed out to you, il consider it my duty to inform you that a book of synonyms will do you wonders!  its jarring to use the same word multiple times in such close proximity. so trying to switch it up or droping the second today would work as well. Ex   "Hey, since neither of us are working today do you feel like going to the beach?    Silver


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