# Is online role-playing cheating?



## AnonUset (Jan 27, 2019)

I've seen that my irl bf has been rping on discord with random people... Is this considered cheating or not... Or am I being jealous for no reason?


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## Saiko (Jan 27, 2019)

It depends on your relationship’s rules, which I guess you both need to discuss. My partner and I don’t care about ERP, but we also have a semi-open relationship to begin with. We share a very relaxed definition of fidelity, while other couples have far more strict definitions. Part of building a long-term relationship is figuring out definitions that work specifically for your relationship.


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## AnonUset (Jan 27, 2019)

Yeah I guess I'll have to talk to him


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## Okami_No_Heishi (Jan 27, 2019)

AnonUset said:


> I've seen that my irl bf has been rping on discord with random people... Is this considered cheating or not... Or am I being jealous for no reason?


If it is sexual or romantic rp, yes it is cheating. If its just story telling, then no.


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## AnonUset (Jan 27, 2019)

Okami_No_Heishi said:


> If it is sexual or romantic rp, yes it is cheating. If its just story telling, then no.



It's sexual


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## Telnac (Jan 27, 2019)

Yeah talk to him. If you're not comfortable with him doing erp, tell him. SFW rp is fine tho, at least in my opinion.


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## AnonUset (Jan 27, 2019)

Telnac said:


> Yeah talk to him. If you're not comfortable with him doing erp, tell him. SFW rp is fine tho, at least in my opinion.



I don't know if I'm comfortable with it or not ... I just feel left out and jealous he's my first bf so could it be that I just got 2 attached?


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## Asher Grey (Jan 27, 2019)

Okami_No_Heishi said:


> If it is sexual or romantic rp, yes it is cheating. If its just story telling, then no.


That's how I've felt, I'd never be comfortable doing something sexual with someone other than my partner, rping included. If they haven't asked if you were okay with it, it's cheating.


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## Okami_No_Heishi (Jan 27, 2019)

AnonUset said:


> I don't know if I'm comfortable with it or not ... I just feel left out and jealous he's my first bf so could it be that I just got 2 attached?


Oh lord!! Yeah yall should definitely talk it over.


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## AnonUset (Jan 27, 2019)

Asher Grey said:


> That's how I've felt, I'd never be comfortable doing something sexual with someone other than my partner, rping included. If they haven't asked if you were okay with it, it's cheating.



Thanks I'll talk to him and see


Okami_No_Heishi said:


> Oh lord!! Yeah yall should definitely talk it over.



I'll definitely talk to him ... I want to keep this relationship lasting ...


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## Dongding (Jan 27, 2019)

I don't consider it cheating. You're creating a literary work with someone, even if you are getting sexual self gratification out of it.

If it's the sort of thing that happens to lead to flirting out of character then maybe that's crossing a line. But if you're just taking turns adding to something that you both enjoy in an _adult_ way and you have no intentions of seeking further contact outside of that project, I wouldn't think it's cheating.

However...

If your partner doesn't know because you are hiding it, and you think your partner would consider it to be cheating, it could be considered to be similar to having a very close relationship to a friend outside of your relationship. It could definitely cause jealousy and if you feel you need to hide it because you're purposely betraying your partner's trust knowing the person will have a problem with it, you're sort of being a shitty partner.


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## AnonUset (Jan 27, 2019)

Dongding said:


> I don't consider it cheating. You're creating a literary work with someone, even if you are getting sexual self gratification out of it.
> 
> If it's the sort of thing that happens to lead to flirting out of character then maybe that's crossing a line. But if you're just taking turns adding to something that you both enjoy in an _adult_ way and you have no intentions of seeking further contact outside of that project, I wouldn't think it's cheating.
> 
> ...



Thank you all responses are helpful especially well though out ones like this


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## Dongding (Jan 27, 2019)

Awr. - w - <3


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## Okami_No_Heishi (Jan 27, 2019)

If you are in a monogamous relationship, then its cheating. Thats my opinion of course. But it is the opinion of someone who has been in a happy monogamous marriage for 19 years. Im an old school, grey muzzle. But I am aware that times have changed, and so have peoples ideas of love and relationships. Just approach him about it. Tell him how you feel. Then go from there. Be honest, with him, and yourself.


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## AnonUset (Jan 27, 2019)

Okami_No_Heishi said:


> If you are in a monogamous relationship, then its cheating. Thats my opinion of course. But it is the opinion of someone who has been in a happy monogamous marriage for 19 years. Im an old school, grey muzzle. But I am aware that times have changed, and so have peoples ideas of love and relationships. Just approach him about it. Tell him how you feel. Then go from there. Be honest, with him, and yourself.



Thank you I'm 19 years young and he's the first person to make me smile in years ... I need to understand these things to make me feel calmer and more secure about this relationship


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## Okami_No_Heishi (Jan 27, 2019)

AnonUset said:


> Thank you I'm 19 years young and he's the first person to make me smile in years ... I need to understand these things to make me feel calmer and more secure about this relationship


*smiles* It's cool man! You'll be fine! If y'all love each other, it will work out!


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## Dongding (Jan 27, 2019)

Okami and I disagree about what constitutes cheating but never hide things. You'll regret it, and just be doing yourself a disservice by having those those things on the back of your mind stressing you out when you could just be with someone who loves you for who you are as an alternative.


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## AnonUset (Jan 27, 2019)

Dongding said:


> Okami and I disagree about what constitutes cheating but never hide things. You'll regret it, and just be doing yourself a disservice by having those those things on the back of your mind stressing you out when you could just be with someone who loves you for who you are as an alternative.



Thank you I never hide things and he doesn't either he knows I know he roleplays but after this thread I'll talk about it with him


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## Asher Grey (Jan 27, 2019)

Dongding said:


> I don't consider it cheating. You're creating a literary work with someone, even if you are getting sexual self gratification out of it.
> 
> If it's the sort of thing that happens to lead to flirting out of character then maybe that's crossing a line. But if you're just taking turns adding to something that you both enjoy in an _adult_ way and you have no intentions of seeking further contact outside of that project, I wouldn't think it's cheating.
> 
> ...


In my opinion, if you're deriving sexual pleasure, if not orgasms, from someone outside your relationship with your  partner's consent, it's cheating. But I guess you could also have sex with a very close friend and defend it so, idk. One could also say that drawing yourself having sex with another person is "creating visual artwork", and filming yourself having sex with someone outside your relationship would be "creating video work". Doesn't mean it's fair to the person dating you and remaining monogamous for you. People will try to justify anything.


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## AnonUset (Jan 27, 2019)

Asher Grey said:


> In my opinion, if you're deriving sexual pleasure, if not orgasms, from someone outside your relationship with your  partner's consent, it's cheating. But I guess you could also have sex with a very close friend and defend it so, idk. One could also say that drawing yourself having sex with another person is "creating visual artwork", and filming yourself having sex with someone outside your relationship would be "creating video work". Doesn't mean it's fair to the person dating you and remaining monogamous for you. People will try to justify anything.



Thank you I hope he doesn't try and turn it around on me and says it's so and so


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## Asher Grey (Jan 27, 2019)

AnonUset said:


> Thank you I hope he doesn't try and turn it around on me and says it's so and so


In my opinion, it's the same as sending nudes to other people. In some relationships, it doesn't bother either person, and then it's fine- but to assume that your partner doesn't mind you sexually exposing yourself is almost always bound to end in a lot of hurt.


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## AnonUset (Jan 27, 2019)

Asher Grey said:


> In my opinion, it's the same as sending nudes to other people. In some relationships, it doesn't bother either person, and then it's fine- but to assume that your partner doesn't mind you sexually exposing yourself is almost always bound to end in a lot of hurt.


Yeah I love this guy and I don't want him to get sexually involved with anyone else


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## Saiko (Jan 27, 2019)

Asher Grey said:


> In my opinion, it's the same as sending nudes to other people. In some relationships, it doesn't bother either person, and then it's fine- but to assume that your partner doesn't mind you sexually exposing yourself is almost always bound to end in a lot of hurt.


This goes back to my whole thing about rules for your relationship. To use my relationship as an example again, my partner and I don’t care all that much about sending nudes either, but we’ve discusssed that with each other very explicitly. For us, cheating is related to deception, secrecy, and romance but not inherently sex.

When you start discussing all this, be aware that you two are likely going to start at different parts of the spectrum here. In that case, you both will have to work together over a period of time to figure out where your mutual comfort zone is. Try to take things slow, but actively make sure neither of you is getting neglected. When in doubt, communicate more.


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## PercyD (Jan 27, 2019)

I'm not going to vote yes or no because it's more nuance than that. ouo

Maybe other people have already said this, but you need to talk to your bf about your feelings. He's an individual so he can do whatever he wants, BUT - if it's making you feel bad, he should be willing to talk to you about your feelings.
Explore _why _you feel jealous. Maybe come up with some rules and healthy boundaries for you both. Like, having frank and even fun conversations about the roleplays he's taking part in. Maybe even participating in the roleplays. It might not even be a relationship thing, but a creative thing.

It depends on the sort of relationship you want. I'm sort of panromantic any way, so I feel like one putting all of my emotional and physical needs on one person is a lot of pressure on a relationship. But like I said, this may not even be a relationship thing. It could just be a hobby.


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## AnonUset (Jan 27, 2019)

Saiko said:


> This goes back to my whole thing about rules for your relationship. To use my relationship as an example again, my partner and I don’t care all that much about sending nudes either, but we’ve discusssed that with each other very explicitly. For us, cheating is related to deception, secrecy, and romance but not inherently sex.
> 
> When you start discussing all this, be aware that you two are likely going to start at different parts of the spectrum here. In that case, you both will have to work together over a period of time to figure out where your mutual comfort zone is. Try to take things slow, but actively make sure neither of you is getting neglected. When in doubt, communicate more.



Thank you I'll make sure to hear his side clearly and make sure he understands my side clearly on what we think


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## AnonUset (Jan 27, 2019)

PercyD said:


> I'm not going to vote yes or no because it's more nuance than that. ouo
> 
> Maybe other people have already said this, but you need to talk to your bf about your feelings. He's an individual so he can do whatever he wants, BUT - if it's making you feel bad, he should be willing to talk to you about your feelings.
> Explore _why _you feel jealous. Maybe come up with some rules and healthy boundaries for you both. Like, having frank and even fun conversations about the roleplays he's taking part in. Maybe even participating in the roleplays. It might not even be a relationship thing, but a creative thing.
> ...



Thank you I never thought it could be something like a hobby


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## PercyD (Jan 28, 2019)

AnonUset said:


> Thank you I never thought it could be something like a hobby


Yea, I've been roleplaying for a long time, including erotic roleplay. It's a hobby of mine, being creative while also addressing my labido. >u> I couldn't really think of it as a sexual thing cause I wouldn't expect my partner to sastify this need, necessarily. I'm asexual. 
If I had a partner who was creative and who was into kinky stories, I'd absolutely enjoy it and it would be a great way to spend quality time. 

It's like looking at porn, as a more functional example. There are couples who consume porn together as a bonding activity too. 
However, somebody isn't going to go out and start pursuing porn stars, they have no emotional connection with them. They do have an emotional connection to their partner.
Relationships that break up over porn are because one or two of the people in the relationship no longer feel an emotional connection. Mainly, that comes from them not talking to each other because of guilt/conflict over the porn, not the porn itself.


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## AnonUset (Jan 28, 2019)

Ahh ok I will take this into consideration


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## Dongding (Jan 28, 2019)

Asher Grey said:


> In my opinion, if you're deriving sexual pleasure, if not orgasms, from someone outside your relationship with your  partner's consent, it's cheating. But I guess you could also have sex with a very close friend and defend it so, idk. One could also say that drawing yourself having sex with another person is "creating visual artwork", and filming yourself having sex with someone outside your relationship would be "creating video work". Doesn't mean it's fair to the person dating you and remaining monogamous for you. People will try to justify anything.


I understand your viewpoint and why you would think those things but you're sort of making false equivalences parallel to what was actually typed in the quote.


Asher Grey said:


> I guess you could also have sex with a very close friend and defend it so, idk.


Never said that... hope you're not insinuating I did?


Asher Grey said:


> One could also say that drawing *yourself having sex with another person* is "creating visual artwork"


Fair. But in RP it's a character you play, not yourself. If you created a piece of work with the intention of portraying yourself in that situation (even though I personally still don't feel that's a legitimately equivalent act) then it's not a made up character; it's you. So you have a little traction in that regard on this one point.


Asher Grey said:


> and filming yourself having sex with someone outside your relationship would be "creating video work". Doesn't mean it's fair to the person dating you and remaining monogamous for you. People will try to justify anything.


Really? That's quite a stretch to try and make a point.

Co-authoring a piece of erotic literature isn't a direct connection to the other person. If anything you're attracted to their character. That's why I said this:


Dongding said:


> If it's the sort of thing that happens to lead to flirting out of character then maybe that's crossing a line. But if you're just taking turns adding to something that you both enjoy in an _adult_ way and you have no intentions of seeking further contact outside of that project...


That's like saying watching porn is cheating with your logic because you're indirectly watching a couple have sex which would almost certainly not be okay with any monogamous partner. Tangibility is a huge factor. That's why I said this:


Dongding said:


> If your partner doesn't know because you are hiding it, *and you think your partner would consider it to be cheating*, it could be considered to be similar to *having a very close relationship to a friend outside of your relationship.*


Notice I said "close" and "friend". Just friends.


Dongding said:


> It could definitely cause jealousy and if you feel you need to hide it because you're purposely betraying your partner's trust knowing the person will have a problem with it, you're sort of being a shitty partner.


As already pointed out by a few now, it requires both partner's consideration. There's a lot of grey area in regards to this sort of thing being of an emotional nature, not empirical, so it's best we just focus on how each person feels about it rather than analyze it in some sort of clearly black or white way and not leave out details out which may sway the other person's knowledge of the matter to form an educated opinion about it.


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## quoting_mungo (Jan 28, 2019)

Consider the non-relationship definitions of "cheating." They involve breaking the rules of whatever activity is being cheated at.

Now, ideally, you'll have talked about and established the rules of your relationship when you first got into it. But realistically, a lot of people don't do that, or even realize they should. That leads to conflicts as the parties have different expectations of the relationship, and different ideas of what fits within the scope of a relationship of the applicable type, be that monogamous or polyamorous, open or closed.

@Dongding touched on a very basic litmus test of what constitutes cheating: if you (gen) feel the need to hide it from your partner, it's (likely) cheating, and you should at the very least talk to your partner before engaging in it. (Though I disagree with drawing the parallel to close friendships; if your partner considers having a very close platonic friend outside the relationship to be cheating, you should DTMFA.)

Far as I'm concerned, text-based erotic roleplay falls somewhere between masturbation and a hobby similar to story writing or improv; where exactly it falls on that scale depends on what the motivations for engaging in it are. Those motivations can vary widely between people, or even in the same person depending on what partner they're engaging in it with. Any relationship (save for special cases like D/S relationships where it's part of the power exchange, and even then it should not be part of the "relationship rules" so much as an order issued by the dominant partner IMO) where masturbation is prohibited or partners are shamed for engaging in it, are unhealthy at best. Like, I'll jokingly berate my boyfriend for wanking instead of screwing me, but I would never dream of doing so seriously, because I recognize that masturbation and sex are two different things.

When I was in a monogamous relationship, my now-ex engaged in erotic roleplay with at least one mutual friend, and would share logs with me from time to time (I honestly don't recall if he played with more people that I knew of at the time, though it hardly matters). It never bothered me, and I highly doubt me doing the same, had I been interested, would have bothered him; if I'd done, and it had, I am pretty sure he'd have stopped doing it himself, based on other boundaries he was adamant in placing on himself.

When you go to discuss this with your boyfriend, make sure you don't do so with an eye towards breathing him for the behavior - chances are, if he engaged in it, it was something he considered a non-issue, and didn't realize would bother you (unless he was actively hiding it from you). Also work in discussion about other boundaries and ground rules you both want to set in your relationship. It's not necessarily a very romantic conversation, but it's one that's necessary for your relationship to remain strong and healthy in the long run. One of these rules should probably be "if you feel unsure about whether something we haven't talked about (it'd be foolish to think you managed to cover every eventuality) would go against the spirit of these rules, come discuss it before engaging in it," another should be "if you feel uncomfortable with these rules, come talk about it and we can renegotiate if necessary." Don't expect the first iteration of the rules to be perfect, especially if you don't have a lot of experience with relationships. Sometimes you will think something won't bother you, until you realize it does. That's okay, long as you talk it out soon after making that realization rather than bottling it up.

In general, make a habit of communicating. A lot. A lack of communication breeds resentment, which is relationship poison.


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## Jackpot Raccuki (Jan 28, 2019)

It depends.
I've done it without any worry, even doing it with my own boyfriends on occasion.
Although, I do actually tell them that I do roleplay and it may be erotic, and they just shrug it since it's not serious, my heart was for them, and their heart was for me.
The fact my character was fucking other men doesn't mean I don't love him, just my character is fucking other people where as my real me is still in love with them.

As long as you both are aware it's just a character whos doing the RP with other people.

Just talk to them, OP. I made stupid choices in life in regards to relationships, but don't let this be why you break up, talk to them.


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## Dongding (Jan 28, 2019)

quoting_mungo said:


> (Though I disagree with drawing the parallel to close friendships; if your partner considers having a very close platonic friend outside the relationship to be cheating, you should DTMFA.)


Yeah I agree. I more or less meant it as an example of something that could be innocent yet misunderstood by your partner as something definitively unfaithful. Just something that you never meant to get a jealous reaction from. It was sort of too late to change after a certain amount of time so it's good you pointed that out even if I was hoping no one was going to notice lol.

At least it's cleared up now.

- w -


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## Okami_No_Heishi (Jan 28, 2019)

All "characters aside, you can tell yourself "it's just a character" I play, but lets be honest, that character is still YOU. YOU are playing a role and fantasizing about having sex with someone other than your mate. If you are unattached, sex is sex. But if you are in a monogamous relationship with someone you love, and they love you, sex is no longer "just sex". Roleplaying a fantasy or story is still YOU, regardless if you believe its not. That's reality. And that is cheating. If its sex, not with your partner or mate or spouse, it is cheating.


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## quoting_mungo (Jan 28, 2019)

Okami_No_Heishi said:


> All "characters aside, you can tell yourself "it's just a character" I play, but lets be honest, that character is still YOU. YOU are playing a role and fantasizing about having sex with someone other than your mate. If you are unattached, sex is sex. But if you are in a monogamous relationship with someone you love, and they love you, sex is no longer "just sex". Roleplaying a fantasy or story is still YOU, regardless if you believe its not. That's reality. And that is cheating. If its sex, not with your partner or mate or spouse, it is cheating.


I don't think it's appropriate to speak as though the same is true for all people. Maybe for you, you'd be putting yourself in the character's position and fantasizing about having sex with the other player. That's not going to be the case for everyone. Characters _can_ be self-representations, but they do not have to be. Do you honestly believe that authors identify with every single character in their work? That Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy are both in essence JK Rowling? 

Nor is it a constant or universal truth that sex cannot exist separate from love, even in a relationship. I have a friend whom I sometimes sleep with but have no romantic interest in. My partners don't feel threatened by this, nor is it cheating, because it's within the scope of the boundaries we've established for our relationship.

It is not a universal truth that extrarelational sex is cheating, especially if you are going to use such a broad definition of sex. Please don't make that statement so categorically; as someone who takes cheating very seriously but also believes that extrarelational sex can be done ethically, without overstepping boundaries, I find that rather hurtful.

I get that you've been married for a long time. I'm happy for you and Bhutrflai that you have a strong relationship that works well for you. But you do need to recognize that relationships are not a one-size-fits-all, and that you may actually damage others' relationships by giving advice as though they were. Monogamy makes me miserable, because I'm just not wired for it. That doesn't make me a lesser person, or partner. It just makes us different, and our relationships different.


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## Okami_No_Heishi (Jan 28, 2019)

You are correct. Our ideas and definitions about sex and relationships are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. Not to mention we both come from way different places. But works for some will never work for others. But sex IS sex. If you are in an open relationship, have sex outside that relationship, and you are both ok with that, that is fine. But I honestly dont believe most peoples views on sex and relationships are not like yours. Most people on this planet believe in two people relationships, not multiple partner relationships. You are in a very small minority. And you telling me that my advice is damaging and yours is not is laughable. Sorry, not sorry. Everything you just said to me can be reversed and thrown at you.


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## Simo (Jan 28, 2019)

The heart is a lonely hunter. Who can say?

This poem addresses it well; she had many actual affairs, of which this is one:






...as for me, I'm a watercolor, I wash off.


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## David Drake (Jan 28, 2019)

I'm going to echo what a lot of people have been saying in that you guys need to sit down and have a talk as to what is and isn't okay. And cheating is anything that isn't okay.

I've always been very adamant against cheating, but I was tested when I developed a very close friendship outside my marriage. We spoke candidly and closely about sexual topics, we wrote short stories together, and I had developed a small crush, but I made sure to draw the line at anything that involved simultaneous mutual pleasure because I was married and faithful. But my wife at the time, who was emotionally abusive, considered me even spending any innocent time unchapperoned with my friend inappropriate and tantamount to cheating. So in order to see my friend I had to not say anything which made me feel horrible and in a no-win situation and was one of two "final straws" that made me finally see the extent of the abuse and led to the marriage ending (the other, in case you're wondering, was being called "disgusting" and being berated for growing my beard out for an acting role).

It was very clear we had different ideas as to what our relationship boundaries were. Even though nothing physical or mutual happened until long after the marriage ended, she still feels I unambiguously cheated by the mere emotional connection. If the roles were reversed, I can't say I wouldn't have been a little afraid, but I would have ultimately trusted her and respected her friendship.

Now I seek someone who I can connect with with a mutual expectation that connecting with others is also possible. And explicitly discussing and agreeing to relationship rules will be extremely important if I ever get serious with anyone again.


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## quoting_mungo (Jan 28, 2019)

Okami_No_Heishi said:


> And you telling me that my advice is damaging and yours is not is laughable. Sorry, not sorry. Everything you just said to me can be reversed and thrown at you.


Except I have been saying all along that the solution is for the people in your (gen) relationship, whether that's a monogamous two-person relationship or an open poly one (or anything in between), to talk and establish common rules/boundaries, and that cheating is breaking those rules/crossing those boundaries. You are saying "this is definitely sex and this is definitely cheating" with no room for nuance, which risks creating a hostile confrontation where none is necessary.

You do not know OP's boyfriend. You do not know whether the roleplay was done for sexual gratification, or just as a literary pursuit, so the logic of any sexual gratification derived from people other than your partner constituting sex might arguably not even apply. "Talk about it and figure out where the two of you stand" is... if you think that's damaging advice, I honestly don't know what to tell you.

I have not said "you should be poly," nor "you should have an open relationship." I have not presented my experience as the One True Way to do relationships, and I've clearly marked the references I've made to my own experience. Yes, sex is sex. That is the nature of a tautology. However, collaborative writing doesn't need to be, nor does sex need to be tied up with love. For some people it is, and for others it isn't. "Sex" is a term surrounded by a gray area, not a precisely-defined technical term. The only firm statements I have made regarding relationships in this thread are that prohibiting masturbation is unhealthy, which I stand by, and general advice about boundary-setting and communication.

EDIT: Okay, to be fair I made another firm statement, which I also stand by being that it's a pretty big warning flag for abusive relationships: if your partner tries to tell you to not have close platonic friends outside the relationship, that's cut and run time.


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## Dongding (Jan 28, 2019)

I mean, to add a little bit to this, I roleplay things that would horrify me IRL. I'd be literally incapable of committing to any of the sorts of things that happen in them. They're purely fictional. Ideal representations of something I'd never be able to stomach the reality of were I immersed in them outside of writing and ignoring the negative aspects harmlessly with text.

Like ffs I do almost strictly gay rp but I'm disgusted by the male body in reality. Absolutely straight. It wouldn't even be possible for me to legitimately cheat on someone with a man.

I don't consider my character to be me, and I'm generally not comfortable knowing what the other people that I'm roleplaying with look like which is the first and most important factor when choosing a mate whether people want to admit that or not. Physical attraction is important and in RP it isn't ever factored into the equation. I can't see it as cheating.

And I agree; sex *is* sex, but I personally don't think RP is sex at all.


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## Infrarednexus (Jan 28, 2019)

To me, it depends on honesty and intimacy.

If he came to me and told me he wanted to try role playing with others online, I would be fine with it because it shows he loves me enough to be honest with me about everything. I would also know the difference between my partner just having sexual fun with another person on a computer, and developing an intimate relationship with someone else. 

I would love my partner so much that I would want to do almost anything to make him happy, and that includes giving him the freedom to have experiences with others online as long as I knew I would still be the one he truly loved.


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## Dongding (Jan 28, 2019)

Dongding said:


> ... it's best we just focus on how each person feels about it rather than analyze it in some sort of clearly black or white way...


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## AnonUset (Jan 28, 2019)

Thank you all guys I got a lot of different poiny of views I will take most if not all of them into consideration


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## quoting_mungo (Jan 28, 2019)

Infrarednexus said:


> If he came to me and told me he wanted to try role playing with others online, I would be fine with it because it shows he loves me enough to be honest with me about everything. I would also know the difference between my partner just having sexual fun with another person on a computer, and developing an intimate relationship with someone else.


Just be aware that NOT asking may not indicate dishonesty, long as he’s not actively trying to hide it. (Speaking generally, here; I’m not sure if you’ve a specific individual in mind or a hypothetical partner.) Sometimes what seems like an obvious “ask first” issue to one person seems like so much of a non-issue to another that asking doesn’t even occur to them.

It wouldn’t likely occur to me to ask for my partners’ approval to go out for lunch or dinner  with an opposite-sex friend. Yet I have seen people very loudly (metaphorically speaking) proclaiming that a married individual should never eat out with a member of the opposite sex. To them it’s apparently a big deal, and while I may disapprove of drawing the line where they do, it does make for a good illustration of how sometimes expectations are so far apart it doesn’t occur to either side to bring it up for discussion until after it happens.


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## Infrarednexus (Jan 28, 2019)

quoting_mungo said:


> Just be aware that NOT asking may not indicate dishonesty, long as he’s not actively trying to hide it. (Speaking generally, here; I’m not sure if you’ve a specific individual in mind or a hypothetical partner.) Sometimes what seems like an obvious “ask first” issue to one person seems like so much of a non-issue to another that asking doesn’t even occur to them.
> 
> It wouldn’t likely occur to me to ask for my partners’ approval to go out for lunch or dinner  with an opposite-sex friend. Yet I have seen people very loudly (metaphorically speaking) proclaiming that a married individual should never eat out with a member of the opposite sex. To them it’s apparently a big deal, and while I may disapprove of drawing the line where they do, it does make for a good illustration of how sometimes expectations are so far apart it doesn’t occur to either side to bring it up for discussion until after it happens.


In my post it was a hypothetical partner, and I think you made some good points that I can agree with. Honestly, this is a very complex topic for me, but I'll do my best to be more clear next time when I share my thoughts.


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## Dongding (Jan 28, 2019)

Sexually charged roleplay seems a little more serious than lunch though. I'd be surprised to find someone who doesn't view it as something worth taking into consideration whatsoever as a point of interest for their partner.

But we're also talking about furries so... not exactly the most socially well adjusted bunch to begin with.


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## Fallowfox (Jan 28, 2019)

I'd say if they didn't check that you'd accept it first, that it is cheating. 

Outside of the crazy-crazy furry community, sexting would pretty much undoubtedly be viewed as cheating.


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## AnonUset (Jan 28, 2019)

Fallowfox said:


> I'd say if they didn't check that you'd accept it first, that it is cheating.
> 
> Outside of the crazy-crazy furry community, sexting would pretty much undoubtedly be viewed as cheating.



They didn't check in they just not trying to hide


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## Dongding (Jan 28, 2019)

We're talking about roleplaying though. It's similar but some people take it very seriously and care a lot about it's literary integrity.

As mentioned before it depends what the intentions of the person are. If the person is doing it for self gratification from a source outside of their monogamous relationship and they're keeping it from their partner because they don't care about sincerity, that's potentially crossing a few lines and I would probably consider it extremely inconsiderate. But cheating? You're typing words.


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## Filter (Jan 28, 2019)

This is something that you will have to define within the relationship. For some, it isn't. For others, it is.


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## Jackpot Raccuki (Jan 28, 2019)

Okami_No_Heishi said:


> All "characters aside, you can tell yourself "it's just a character" I play, but lets be honest, that character is still YOU. YOU are playing a role and fantasizing about having sex with someone other than your mate. If you are unattached, sex is sex. But if you are in a monogamous relationship with someone you love, and they love you, sex is no longer "just sex". Roleplaying a fantasy or story is still YOU, regardless if you believe its not. That's reality. And that is cheating. If its sex, not with your partner or mate or spouse, it is cheating.


We call this, an opinion.

I can easily separate myself from my character. My fursona is just a mere "This is me but as a furry", it isn't the real me nor is it actually me since I don't wear masks.
I am fantasizing about two furries making love, or whatever the context of the roleplay is.

By no means when I was dating and roleplaying with others did I think "Oh hey, I love this person more than my boyfriend." No, I was thinking "This is actually pretty hot, however I still am loyal to my lover."
Because me, the real me. NOT my online fursona. NOT the online me, but the REAL world me, was in love. I skyped(Before discord and when Skype was decent) a lot with my special lover.

Whiles yes, I do agree it's possible people may use Roleplaying as a way to cheat, but I don't think it is, or at least I hope people don't use it as that, especially if i'm the guy they were cheating with.

Heck when me and my special, yet gone love were together, we'd have intimate Roleplays together, me and my lover as our Fursonas and obviously between the two of us, we actually meant like as if we were them.
BUT when we roleplayed with other people, I never saw it as me cheating on him nor other way around, just me "roleplaying" a scenario with either my character, but not like the intimate one where I acted like I was him, I acted like the CHARACTER.
I actually don't think he did do sexual roleplay aside from with one other person, but that was a girl and he was gay, but they both roleplayed with male characters.
Roleplay is just a fantasy, a story. You can decide if it really is your feelings or if it's just your character.

Then again, what would I know, I can't even keep someone who was special to me.


Spoiler: Context on Break up before someone says "He broke up because you were cheating"



For context on breakups before anyone asks, most of them were in regards to how I felt no matter what I felt like I had no freedom. Whiles yes, I did love them, especially this one guy who I loved so much I made a character similar to his fursona as a "memorial" to how I was stupid and instead of venting I accidentally yelled at the poor guy like an asshole, whiles it was caused because they wanted me to have my attention on them, I wasn't in a good mood and tried to tell them, I regret yelling and I only wished not only that he listened and was fine, but that I had more self control and I hurt myself (not physically) over it.

And trust me, there was a lot of stuff I did, but it wasn't in relation to me roleplaying with others nor was it truly hit fault.
The saddest part is how I broke all connections to him because I was worried as usual with EX boyfriends, ironic that today the one EX I didn't remove tried to start shit on discord.
I miss the guy and I regret everything, I doubt I'll find anyone like him, I don't even think I am worth him anymore, he's better than me and deserve guys better than me.



(To carry on)

Do I think roleplaying is cheating?
No, I want to assume the person isn't doing it to cheat on the other person.
Context/Reasoning matters.

Do I acknowledge the possibility of it being cheating?
Yes, but personally I don't/wouldn't do this and I want to hope there is good in the world.
(Surprising how wrong one can be, huh?)

Do people think it's cheating?
Some people do, and they have the right to believe so.
Yet people also have the right to say it's not cheating.


I'm not here to say "cheating is fine" by any means, far from it. I'm just trying to defend roleplaying since personally, I enjoy writing, but don't want to write a book no one will read.

_I hope this isn't some awful rant that when I come back to read later I regret, especially if people somehow take it out of context._


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## quoting_mungo (Jan 28, 2019)

Dongding said:


> Sexually charged roleplay seems a little more serious than lunch though. I'd be surprised to find someone who doesn't view it as something worth taking into consideration whatsoever as a point of interest for their partner.


I can see several ways it could happen as a completely benign mismatch of expectations; I grabbed the eating out with opposite-sex non-partner off the top of my head because it was an obvious example of something some people think requires consideration and some people wouldn't even reflect over.

If someone doesn't do erotic roleplay as sexual gratification, it seems perfectly reasonable to me that it might not occur to them that their partner might not see it as innocently as they do.

From my own experience:
I don't really do ERP, but I'm reasonably certain I was still dating my ex when I did an adult commission featuring a mutual friend's character and a personal character (I've talked about the distinction I make between characters elsewhere; basically this was a character that I did use self-representatively, but which is more of her own stand-alone character than my fursona is) of mine, and I know it didn't occur to me for a moment that I might need his permission to draw a damn picture. (And while I can't guarantee that wouldn't fall under "socially inept furries," I'm reasonably certain that the reason was more that it was such a non-issue to me. Like, it's art, it's not something I draw for self-gratification, there's nothing there to trigger the thought that "oh, [ex] might object to this.")

Other reasons the "I should maybe check in with my partner" might not kick in include other forms of not considering it sex, whether that's a simple "sex requires penetration" (I've even met at least one person who did not consider oral sex cheating when they didn't really have express permission from their partner at the time, and while I disagree with that assessment, it obviously exists out there), considering ERP to be more akin to masturbation, or something else, and I wouldn't personally want to automatically chalk it up to social ineptitude. Hell, the conditions under which someone was raised probably have an impact on what they consider to be "ask-worthy" as well.

Mostly, I want to caution (in general, not specifically you) against assuming intent/malice when it could be a simple matter of miscommunication. And far as I'm concerned, cheating to some degree requires intent. If you sincerely believe that the King can walk two squares in chess, and not just one, you may be wrong, but it's only cheating if you persist after being corrected. (May be a shitty metaphor, but I'm tired, so take it for what it is.)


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## Xaroin (Jan 28, 2019)

It's a calling sign of cheating when somebody goes out of their way to ignore their own partner in favor of gaining sexual pleasure off other people's actions


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## Curt Goynes (Nov 30, 2021)

It is a very tricky question  there is such a point of view that when a spouse imagines sex with some other person then it is already cheating. Even if this spouse never cheats physically.


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## Willow the Wolf (Nov 30, 2021)

It is not inherently cheating. It entirely depends on context, and as a prior post mentioned, the rules of the relationship.

If it's a normal, casual and/or narrative-based roleplay, without any ERP or romance, then no. That's not cheating. If there isn't ERP, but both of their characters get in a relationship, then we'll. uh. It depends. Does it serve a narrative purpose, simply because it would be in-character for the characters to get together? Or is there something more going on? Are both acting out a certain fantasy through said character? Living out some mild or moderate desire to... y'know... spend certain kinds of time with one another?  Uhhhhhh yeahhh. That's gonna be a problem.

Now of course, ERP is uh. A whole ballpark of its own. Personally, I would say that ERP still would depend on context, but it has fewer justifiable contexts (though I would not know what those would be, since I have no experience with ERP).

And yeah, again. As others are saying, you should speak with your partner about rules, boundaries, reasoning, etc.


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## Ennui Elemental (Nov 30, 2021)

>spambot necros
>everyone just continues as usual, responding to a thread that hadn't been touched on since Jan 2019

Not even upset, it's funny.


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## Mambi (Nov 30, 2021)

AnonUset said:


> I've seen that my irl bf has been rping on discord with random people... Is this considered cheating or not... Or am I being jealous for no reason?



Personally I would say no. but clearly there are a lot of details missing (which are none of our business of course!) 

It really depends on the circumstances of your relationship, and of course the nature of the RP. Assuming erotic, then ask yourself "is this any different than interactive porn?" and judge from there, as that's the crux of your dilemma.


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## Punji (Nov 30, 2021)

This is something one needs to talk to their partner about.


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## Goldarm (Nov 30, 2021)

AnonUset said:


> It's sexual


the fact this person needed to ask whether engaging in sexual activity with a person online is grounds for infidelity has me wondering whether they are the kind of person who lets others walk all over them.

i suggest you get trustworthy and reliable friends fairly soon who'll make sure others don't try to manipulate you.

having to rely on the opinions of people online in desperation make me worry about how you're ever going to stand your ground offline.


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## Flamingo (Nov 30, 2021)

Spambot bringin' it back.


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## FlooferWoofer (Dec 17, 2021)

Heck no! As long as all parties know and boundaries are mutually established and respected, why would it be? Cheating can be either physical, emotional, or both.

I don't always have energy to fulfill my partner's ERP needs so I'm ok with it. As long as the NSFW stays only in roleplay, and my partner isn't flirting and whispering sweet nothings like "I love you" outside of character, it's not cheating.

Edit: *Necromorph dance*


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## P3@c#3s (Dec 17, 2021)

There should really be a MAYBE option. The question of if it is cheating or not, is really situational. Is your online character engaging in nefarious activities with other online persona(s)? Lots of people do online rp, but the online activities in which you engage, really determine whether it would be considered cheating. My wife is in an online D&D group. I would not consider that cheating, because she is part of a party questing across the land. Now if they were are rp'ing out, questionable interactions, especially if I did not know about it, then I would probably consider that cheating by proxy. So it really depends on the purpose, online actions, and your comfort level.


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## TyraWadman (Dec 17, 2021)

I technically fell out of it before I met my ex, but I stopped anything like that when we got together. Even writing personal fanfics. I had no reason to... 
And then of course when I realized the love was a lie, I booted it all back up again. The personal writing, I mean. 

I'd personally be disappointed if my S.O thought it was more fun to do ERP with strangers online.


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## Stray Cat Terry (Dec 17, 2021)

It depends!

Disclaimer:
I know it's very funny and unreal if any of you have been spotting me around the place saying "I've experienced this, I've been through that.." but what else can I say.. My past is that dramatic..


Well, I've been through that too! And in my case... perhaps I shouldn't have been too emotional on my love's RPs.. Because the relationship between us actually went downhill fast, and yup! We broke up!

But I still can't say I was the only 'wrong' side here, because that RP with the 3rd party person... involved dating and NSFW scenes, even though it were just with virtual characters... Oh, it was my (once) love's sona being involved, by the way.
How do I know? 



Spoiler



Kinda funny fact being my (once) love being open on such perhaps because they considered our relationship made me deserve to know what they do... This alone is actually the positive, but then that's where I knew it, and could also get evidence from that RP opponent as I went after that person too. Could've been a mastermind examination on me with both people, but that's even worse.

(Many Koreans love doing planned experiments on their lovers because they wanna know 'how much am I being loved and how my love is gonna prove it'. That sucks, and some even end up breaking up as things get outta control, but it's a thing here..)

Alright, enough straying away from the road!



I'd still say it depends, and is subjective.
You know yourself on what's enough and should be considered--that's what matters. Discuss with your love, and seek solutions together!Try not to be too radical on decisions all on your own, I'd advise not to. Ow<☆

I'd like to suggest some factors to be counted in:
- Did you have any agreements beforehand that would keep this sort of situation from occuring? If no, you may choose to let it pass, but at least let your love know what's happening inside you; If yes, you need a talk with your love.
- Does your knowledge (NOT the emotion) tell you that your love is intentionally doing it? If yes, better confirm it by communicating with your love.
- Could those RPs be played by just you two? If not, think about why--perhaps your love had no options but to pursue it elsewhere; If yes--you might need a talk with your love.

But remember: What's important is how you respect and embrace both sides' differences, not how well you can control your love(and vise versa).

No matter how the situation unveils, do keep in mind that everyone's got their free will and the liberty to persue them. You can't control it, you shouldn't control it--no one should, in fact.
It'd be great if things flow as you desire, but don't be overly upset even if not!

It kinda seems I went off tracks, but a relationship is too complex to solve any single situation by considering just a few aspects... I left all the suggestions I could come up with at the moment, hopefully giving you a better overall view on your situation!

Wish things end up as a satisfying result for both of you! ^w^


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## Foxy Emy (Dec 17, 2021)

Depends.

There is no one size fits all answer here.

For one, have you discussed what your boundaries and expectations are with other people?

Do you know of if he is intentionally hiding it or did a communication breakdown lead to him thinking you were okay with it?

For example, one of my partners (I'm currently in a polygamorous relationship) and I were in a monogamous relationship at the time.

We had talked and decided we were both comfortable with eachother watching porn and reading erotic fan fiction.

When I first got into the Fandom I did a lot of erotic roleplay because, to me, it fell somewhere between fan fiction and porn because it was more interactive but had no visual element.

I did not intentionally hide it from her but I didn't go out if my way to bring it up since to me it is just interactive fiction.

She was mad at first when it came up as a topic of discussion and what seemed perfectly in line with the boundaries we had established was very hurtful to her.

That said, we are still together. We talked things over and could each see why the other felt/acted the way the did and have added a little more clarity to where those boundaries are. Now I do not ERP with people unless I am dating them which is fine with me since we are in a polyam relationship now, and is okay with her because I am not throwing myself out there unless I establish a relationship first, so she gets a chance to voice her opinions or concerns about potential partners before hand.

Bottom line is, talk to your partner about it. If you aren't comfortable with it, tell him and you have every right to leave if he doesn't listen. But don't assume intent to cheat without talking it over first.


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## Kinguyakki (Dec 18, 2021)

Does your partner know about it?
Are they okay with it?
If the RP involves NSFW situations, does your partner know about it, and are they okay with it?

If you're hiding it from them because you don't think they'd approve. . .or if you know they would have a problem with it but you do it anyway. . .yes, it's cheating.  Or, at least, it's being dishonest.  Maybe not physically cheating, but it can be like an emotional affair, especially if you're RPing with the same person or people all the time as if your characters are in a "relationship."


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## TrishaCat (Dec 18, 2021)

Depends on how yall feel about it. I'd say no personally, but if it's something that bothers you talk to your bf about it. Communication in a relationship is important and ultimately what really matters. Know each other's boundaries


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## Bel (Dec 18, 2021)

I'd lean on the side of it indeed being cheating. If it's something you want to partake in, you should absolutely discuss it with a partner, so they don't get hurt by it.


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## Parabellum3 (Dec 19, 2021)

Personally, I'd say it doesn't count as cheating because you still aren't technically having "sex." Fantasy is fantasy which role play is all about.


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## Khafra (Dec 23, 2021)

ERP is just glorified sexting, and you damn well know there's a high chance the person on the other side is probably doing things that are definitely not PG13. If I found out my partner was doing something like that behind my back, I'd dump the them on the spot. 

Very surprised to see how many people would be okay with what is essentially remote hookups in their relationships. But I suppose the incredible amounts of drama and over-sexualisation in furry dating has to come from somewhere.


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## perkele (Dec 28, 2021)

Role-playing? You mean like, co-writing a story about fictional characters? If that's cheating, then I clearly do not understand the kids these days.


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## Kinguyakki (Dec 28, 2021)

perkele said:


> Role-playing? You mean like, co-writing a story about fictional characters? If that's cheating, then I clearly do not understand the kids these days.


No, more like playing out NSFW situations between characters in great detail, often referred to ERP (erotic roleplay).  I've done it as part of a larger storyline, where it makes sense for the characters to be involved that way, but it isn't central to the overall RP.

I know some people just do text-based RP, where they write back and forth what they are "doing" and it is often to arouse themselves and/or their partner.  As others said. . .basically sexting.  If someone is in a committed relationship but "sexting" or "ERPing" and their partner doesn't know or doesn't like that they're doing it, I'd consider that something like cheating.


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## Yakamaru (Dec 28, 2021)

I am going to go out on a limb and say no.


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