# Your favorite dark jokes



## T0ast3r (Nov 10, 2022)

Same as the name! I'll go first:

Patient: Doctor, I'm so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don't worry, it's mine too.


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## Deleted member 160111 (Nov 10, 2022)

I love black humor.
Here's a good one:
Guy: *- My girlfriend broke up with me, and I took her wheelchair. Guess who crawled to me on his knees?..*


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## Fritzy525 (Nov 10, 2022)

My grandfather said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"
So, I replied, "No grandpa, YOUR generation relies too much on technology," as I unplugged his life support.


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## Foxridley (Nov 10, 2022)

Bob: “What does your dad do?”
Alice: “My dad’s dead.”
Bob: “Well, what did he do before he died?”
Alice: “He sort of clutched his chest and fell over.”


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## Rap_Daniel (Nov 10, 2022)

Doctor: "You will live until 2055."
Patient: "That's great! I can do everything I wanted to!"
Doctor: *looks at his watch, which says '20:54'*


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## Foxridley (Nov 10, 2022)

Doctor: “I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”
Patient: “Can I hear the good news first.”
Doctor: “They’re going to name a disease after you.”


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## Yastreb (Nov 10, 2022)

Lots of doctor and patient jokes here. Gotta add mine.

Patient: "Doctor, I know my condition is terminal. You don't have to beat around the bush, just tell me how long do I have left to live."
Doctor: "I'd say about ten..."
Patient: "Ten what?! Years? Months? Weeks?"
Doctor: "Nine... eight... seven... six..."


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## Rap_Daniel (Nov 10, 2022)

Doctor: "I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is you've been given 24 hours to live."
Patient: "Oh no!! What's the worse news?!"
Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."


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## Kumali (Nov 10, 2022)

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers on his bus.


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## a sleepy kitty (Nov 10, 2022)

What is the difference between a Lamborghini and a sack full of dead bodies?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.


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## Kumali (Nov 10, 2022)

a sleepy kitty said:


> What is the difference between a Lamborghini and a sack full of dead bodies?
> 
> I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.



Reminds me of this one:

What's the difference between a baby and a bag of heroin?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of heroin fall out a window.


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## BooTheHamster (Nov 14, 2022)

a sleepy kitty said:


> What is the difference between a Lamborghini and a sack full of dead bodies?
> 
> I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.


What's the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?

With a porcupine the pricks are on the outside.


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## Mambi (Nov 14, 2022)

I witnessed a *reverse *exorcism today. That's when the _Devil _tells the _priest _to get out of the _child_'s body for a change.


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## Yastreb (Nov 16, 2022)

"Mom, it's really hot in here..."
"Stop being such a whiner and pull the oven's door closed!"


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## Inferndragon (Nov 16, 2022)

If at first you don't succeed, then avoid skydiving at all costs...


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## Kumali (Nov 16, 2022)

Inferndragon said:


> If at first you don't succeed, then avoid skydiving at all costs...



A saying from the aviation world: There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots.


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## Yakamaru (Nov 16, 2022)

My favourite dark jokes are too dark for this forum.


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## Kumali (Nov 18, 2022)

Just heard this one today:

How do you keep a Nazi from drowning?

Shoot him before he hits the water.


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## TrixieFox (Nov 18, 2022)

Look man... Im a Eagle Scout and some of the crap I heard i scouts... shoulda never been invented


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## NilsTeutschLW97 (Nov 18, 2022)

A man is trapped in the midst of the desert.
He finds a fountain.
With his last power, he crawls to the fountain and weakly says: "Water, water..."
A skeleton clims out of the fountain and asks: "Where?"


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## a sleepy kitty (Nov 23, 2022)

Kumali said:


> Just heard this one today:
> 
> How do you keep a Nazi from drowning?
> 
> Shoot him before he hits the water.


I did Nazi that coming


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## a sleepy kitty (Nov 23, 2022)

"Kids, I promise that we can visit him once a month."

"We'll be his period!  "


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## Sodasats20 (Nov 23, 2022)

I have a business selling land mines disguised as yoga mats, the profits are through the roof


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## Foxridley (Nov 23, 2022)

Daryl got a text from his neighbor, Bob:
_I have a confession to make: I've been using your wife for the past six months. I feel really guilty about it and just had to come clean. I promise it won't happen again._
Daryl was furious. He grabbed a shotgun, kicked in Bob's door, and shot him dead.
When he came back, he found another text from Bob, sent just a minute after the first:
_Oops, I meant "WiFi", damn autocorrect._


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## ben909 (Dec 12, 2022)

"i have an above average amount of limbs" (works with telling them "you have an above average number of limbs")


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## Sodasats20 (Dec 12, 2022)

Not really dark but can we acknowledge the fact that the “why did the tomato turn red” joke is actually extremely dirty when you think about it? And us as kids already knew it, it was the first dirty joke we knew.


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## RamblingRenegade (Dec 12, 2022)

I walked into a room and turned on the light, it was really enlightening


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## redhusky (Dec 12, 2022)

RamblingRenegade said:


> I walked into a room and turned on the light, it was really enlightening


I changed a light bulb without flipping the light switch off once. It wasn't a very bright idea.


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## redhusky (Dec 12, 2022)

Sodasats20 said:


> Not really dark but can we acknowledge the fact that the “why did the tomato turn red” joke is actually extremely dirty when you think about it? And us as kids already knew it, it was the first dirty joke we knew.


I may have you know that I have not, nor ever have been, a tomato!


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## ben909 (Dec 12, 2022)

is turning the tomato into salsa rather then ketchup the slasher verson rather then the grinder version


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## dragon-in-sight (Dec 12, 2022)

-Yesterday I went to the red cross for a blood donation. But they told me it had to be my own.

-The last words of Jesus Christ: "More nails! I'm slipping!"

-Corona hometest for a budget: Put one Finder in your mouth and one into your ass. Then swap them after a minute. If it still tastes the same you're positive.

-I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

-Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.


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## Sodasats20 (Dec 12, 2022)

redhusky said:


> I may have you know that I have not, nor ever have been, a tomato!


Wasnt referring to you but ok


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## redhusky (Dec 12, 2022)

Sodasats20 said:


> Wasnt referring to you but ok


That's what I thought!


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## Woozle (Dec 12, 2022)

I like my women like I like my whiskey: 12 years old and mixed up with coke.


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## Foxridley (Dec 12, 2022)




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## Baron Tredegar (Dec 13, 2022)

That crocodile over there is Old Smiley and the one next to him is his girlfriend Ginger. But be careful, Ginger snaps.


That was one of the jokes that was on the Jungle Cruise at Disney World until a kid got eaten by an alligator.


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## RamblingRenegade (Dec 13, 2022)

what is the cost difference between beer nuts and deer nuts, I mean deer nuts are always under a buck


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## Deleted member 162523 (Dec 13, 2022)

*Dad, "I'll be back."


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## Woozle (Dec 13, 2022)

RamblingRenegade said:


> what is the cost difference between beer nuts and deer nuts, I mean deer nuts are always under a buck



I see what you did there.


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## Amepix Will Win (Dec 13, 2022)

Happy 60th birthday. At last, you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!


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## NilsTeutschLW97 (Dec 15, 2022)

When God gave us all common sense, I suppose I was in the bathroom...


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## Ash Sukea (Dec 15, 2022)

The old [Why did the chicken cross the road?— To get to the other side.] joke doesn’t seem very dark until you consider it’s very dangerous for animals to cross roads and ‘the other side’ is a euphemism for the afterlife.


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## TrixieFox (Dec 15, 2022)

yo mama is so poor ducks throw bed at _her_


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