# Writing Full furry novel...type deal ting...



## HumanLombax (Sep 22, 2008)

IM  writing a full fledged Anthro book and want to get people opinion on my writing, so I ask for you to please be serious about your comments as I show you the rough draft of the complete first chapter


 	 	 Ch. 1. Work is a Drag...

 	4:58 P.M.   
 	Orgee looks at his monitor, tiny fireworks explode at the completion of a game of solitaire. He looks round his tiny cubicle. Orgee is just your average Lombax, fresh out of college into his first real job. Working as a â€œSoftware Quality Assuranceâ€ tech wasn't exactly his dream job, but it will suffice until he can save up enough to return to school. His long slider ears twitch at the thought of leaving the job at â€œMicro Corpsâ€ and getting back to school.  
 	4:59 The sleeves of his dull blue shirt are rolled up to his elbows exposing the first two dark orange strips in his yellow fur He reaches out towards his tiny desk to retrieve his favorite pair of gloves, leather fingerless riding gloves that he received from His friend Steve after graduating high school. He slides on the right glove over his paw, then the left. He then grabs a pair of nail clippers and shortens his cat-like claws down to a nice round shape. The last few minuets in the office always go by very slowly.   
 	5:00 Orgee grabs his Briefcase and turned the corner out of his numbingly grey cubicle rushing off to pick up his girl, Erica. He speeds towards the closing elevator door, miss. Impatiently, Orgee walks to the stair well and begins the six story decent to the lobby. As he rushes down the stairs, Greg, a large Doberman, and first class asshole looks Orgee right in the face.  
 	â€œHey there Orgee, you rushing off to see that ugly bitch of yours again,â€Greg asks with a stupid grin across his stupid muzzle, â€œShit, I wouldn't yiff her with a stolen dick!â€
 	â€œHey there Greg, don't you have asses to sniff...dicks to suck, something like that,â€ Orgee says, still rushing down the stairs not looking straight ahead, â€œincompetence like you need to get ahead somehow.â€ 
 	â€œHey man, fuck you Orgee!â€
 	â€œI'll do that,â€ he retorts as he exits into the lobby. He makes an intimidate left and walks towards the parking garage where his enormous hideous van sits. The van was the only car he could afford after his first car was destroyed when a drunk sloth driving an old beater smashed into the side of his beautiful mustang  totaling it. The Van is large and white, but nearly impossible to see due to a large amount of Graffiti sprayed onto it by local kids. The only thing he liked about the car was the fact that he could fit everyone, including the Enormous Bear that is his best friend Steve, who was waiting at the van.	
 	Hey, my dude,â€Steve said with his deep voice booming, â€œcome on man Hurry up!â€ Steve is a very large Grizzly and a friend of Orgee's since they were very young. Steve's mother was a very hard working bear, holding two jobs in order to support herself and Steve's three brothers. By the time Steve was three, his brothers were out of the house, his mother was overwhelmed with debt between their house and supporting the cubs, she had to take a third job, but no one was their to take care of Steve. Mrs. Taggard, Orgee's mother, lived next door. Orgee was two at the time when his mother started Babysitting Steve, and they have never been apart.  
 	â€œIm coming ya big ugly bitchâ€ Orgee yelled playfully â€œhad to take the stairs and deal with that Greg asshole.â€
 	â€œThe Doberman?â€ asked Steve, â€œDude, quit that cooperate crap and just come in and work for me at the store.â€ Steve owns a small business across the street from  Micro Corps, a computer store called â€œCompsforyou,â€ A nice little store with a steady flow of business.  
 	â€œHey man, the job may bore the hell outta me,â€Orgee said, getting into the Drivers seat of the ugly van, â€œ But It brings in more than $60,000 a year, thanks, but no thanks dude.â€
 	â€œSuite yourself,â€Steve said as he climbs in the back of the van, â€œDid you at least tell tell Him off?â€
 	â€œI told him to suck Dick.â€
 	â€œDude, _you _suck dick.â€
 	â€œOnly occasionally, and not currently, I'm dating Erica jackass. Besides, when  the last time _You_ got laid?â€ Orgee asked looking at Steven in the rear view mirror.
 	â€œPiss off man.â€
 	â€œHey man, I could always pa-â€
 	â€œShut the hell up man, the door don't swing that way,â€ Steve said quite loudly.
 	â€œHey man, I know, I know Im just kidding.â€ Orgee says trying not to laugh
 	â€œYeah, shut up and drive you freak ass cat thing...â€	
 	â€œya see now that hurt-â€  
 	â€œjust drive this decapitated piece of shit outta here!â€
 	Orgee collapses laughing at the awkward state he left Steve so many time before.
***​ 	5:14
 	Erica sits on a bench at the doors outside of â€œFridged Games Inc.â€ waiting for her boyfriend Orgee to show up. Erica is a rather small deer Standing at just over 5 feet tall, but very busty. Her dark eyes water as the warm autumn wind whips past her. She opens her bag and checks her things. She is putting the finishing touches on the concept art for a new game due out next fall. She based The main character on Orgee, he doesn't know it yet.  
 	5:15 Ryokie exits the Main door and sits next to Erica on the bench, and sprawls himself out partially over her lap. Ryokie is a very muscular,very flirt ferret. He works for â€œFridgedâ€ as well as the lead designer. He and Erica have known each other for less than a year, but are already the bet of friends. Ryokie got Erica her job at â€œFridgedâ€ when he met her at a seminar at Maceadoniea college, which she had attended. She was taking classes on basic art technique with no real plan on where she was going. Ryokie Convinced her to study conceptual art and promised her that he could get her a job at his same place of work. 	
 	5:16 â€œGod, if only I had gotten to you before Orgee did,â€ Ryokie said staring up at Erica, â€œMan, I would tear that thang up!â€ Ryokie pushed lightly into Erica's lap as he spoke.  
 	Erica laughed â€œ You  may still at least get a crack at it, Orgee's freaky like that,â€ Erica shivers, â€œGo, just thinking about it gives me chills. Oh my god, The way he-â€
 	â€œHey girl, don't get someone all wet if you aint gonna be finishing the job,â€ Ryokie Said,â€ youre both perfectly Yiffable...we should make a porno together!â€
 	Erica lightly thwacks his head with a folder of her artwork. â€œYou know that I'm self conscious!â€ Erica says, â€œ I wouldn't let Orgee take a single photo of me when I'm not fully dressed, let alone a whole film!â€  Both lies, Erica is one of the most open minded  creatures you will ever meet, and Ryokie doesn't know she and Orgee have already begun videotaping themselves for their own personal use.
 	5:17 Orgee and Steven pull up in the Van, the brake screech loudly. Ryokie jumps up at the Sound of the approaching van
 	â€œYou're Chariot awaits, my lady,â€ Ryokie says to Erica, maneuvering a sweeping bow from her direction to the Van. Erica shake her head, rolls her eyes, and lays her ears back
 	â€œAre you stealing my lines again Ryokie?â€ Orgee yells from the drives seat
 	â€œ Yeah, and hittin on your bitches!â€ he replied
 	â€œAND hittin on my Bitches?â€ Orgee says loudly as to be heard over the roaring engine.
 	â€œ When did you get more than one?â€ Steven yells from the back of the Van
 	â€œI'm including you baby,â€ Ryokie Yells back, â€œwait until I get my ass in that van!â€ Erica gets up from the bench and begins walking with Ryokie towards the van.  
 	â€œSince when an I your _bitch_?â€  Erica asks with a big smile. She approaches the drivers side door, leaning into the window, arching her back and kisses Orgee long and sweetly.  
 	Thwack!Ryokie smacks Erica's rear, She accidentally bites Orgee's tongue.	
 	â€œOW! Fuck man!â€ Orgee screams
 	â€œOh my God, are you okay?â€ Says Erica with concern in her voice
 	â€œDamn, Now thats an ass!â€ Ryokie belts. Steven laughs uncontrollably, rocking the Van.
 	â€œRyokie man,â€ Orgee exclaims â€œWhat the hell?â€ He rubs his cheek as if to alleviate the pain in his tongue.  
 	â€œHey man, I warned her about being a tease like that,â€ Ryokie said in defense â€œspeaking of which, we discussed making some porno, but we may need to  talk to her into itâ€
 	â€œWhat do you mean talk her into it, we--â€ Orgee is interrupted by the sharp pain of Erica grabbing his groin. She releases and give him a look as it to say 'Shut up!'	  
 	â€œOw!â€â€ Orgee exclaims in a high pitched voice, â€œKeep treating me like that, and I may have to start makin on Ryokie here.â€
 	â€œBullshit.â€
 	â€œIs that an invite baby,â€ Ryokie asks and takes a step closer to Orgee	
 	â€œOh, its more than an invite,â€Orgee says. He then grabs Ryokie by the neck of his shirt, drawls him towards the van and begins to kiss him.
 	â€œOrgee, Quit screwing around,â€ Erica exclaims â€œGet the hell off Ryokie,â€ she grabs the back of his shirt and drags him away from the van.  
 	Orgee laughs â€œAww, Damn it woman, I wasn't done with him yet.â€
 	â€œ Seriously, move out da way and lemmie get some more of that.â€ Ryokie said to Erica, staring at Orgee
 	â€œJust Get in the Goddamn Van,â€ she said to Ryokie, â€œBack seat! And you, Just drive the frickin thing!â€ Ryokie begins to chuckle as he rounds the Van and opens the sliding door. Erica takes another look at Orgee, who can no longer contain himself and breaks down laughing. She shakes her head and quickly moves around and climbs into the passenger seat, tosses her things into the unoccupied back seat. Orgee and Ryokie are both laughing hysterically,  Erica looks back at Steven, â€œCan you believe this shit?â€
 	Steven shakes his head, looks up at her and says â€œNo comment...â€
re.


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## Edyoakita (Sep 22, 2008)

I likes it


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## Cearux (Sep 22, 2008)

I read it... I want to see the next chapter. Some how, let me know when its up.


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## HumanLombax (Sep 22, 2008)

Yaye 

**has mini party inside head** 

Approvals ^_^


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## HumanLombax (Sep 22, 2008)

There, I have finished The Chapter and edited the original post to contain it in.


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## M. LeRenard (Sep 22, 2008)

Could use some improvement....
I went ahead and looked up 'lombax' on wikipedia, because I was like, "What the crap is a lombax?"  I guess it's a fictional species from Ratchet and Clank, and therefore copyrighted.  Just warning you in case you had thoughts of publication that you wouldn't be allowed to use such a species without permission.
I could give it a more detailed look later if you want, but right now I'm procrastinating on a paper for my English class that's due tomorrow.  Let me know if you want specifics on how to improve it.


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## ScottyDM (Sep 23, 2008)

It's okay for a first draft, but like Monsieur Renard said--could use some work.


*My First Impression*

I don't like present tense, but I've come to realize this is because clueless newbies often use the technique and this usually signals a writer who can't write. However when the writer is skillful, after a page or two I forget the story is in present tense, settle down, and enjoy it. If I were in a bookstore picking up books at random, I probably wouldn't give the book a page or two, but put it down after the first paragraph. :? I suspect writing the narrative in present tense might work better if the story was in first person because of standard present tense verb forms shift between first and third person. First person verb forms are less bothersome to my eye.

Putting the times in the story seems wooden. First, who cares? Second, when you do come to a part of the story where the exact time is critical have a character look at his watch or something. I really do NOT want the impression that I'm reading a minute-by-minute description of the action.

The constant swearing was a major turn off, but that's me.

The description of the van was awkward, as were the beats in the dialog between Orgee and Steve, but this is a first draft right? I assume you'll smooth all that out during editing. Also, learn to use apostrophes. And when you want to show interrupted speech use an em-dash, never a hyphen. Oh, and typos.


*What You're Doing Right*

You're paragraphs are mostly correct. The few glitches I noticed I put down to this being a first draft.

You seemed to have gotten point-of-view correct. At least I didn't notice any slips in the first two scenes (didn't read beyond that). Point-of-view is MAJOR and a concept unique to fiction. A person could have spent three years as a writer for the school paper and gotten A-pluses on every essay they every wrote, and still not have a clue. Nice!  


*Next Step*

It's far better to edit a story that exists, then dream about one that's only half-written. I'd say finish the thing.

After that get some help with editing. A critique group is awesome! You will learn more from the detailed feedback of your first few chapters than you'll learn from any creative writing class. You'll also learn buckets of technique by critiquing others. You could Google for a critique group in your area, or join an online group. I'm a member of Critique Circle, check 'em out.

Oh, do try to create your own species rather than using someone else's intellectual property (especially since Insomniac can afford a legal team).


*Good luck!*

Scotty


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## HumanLombax (Sep 23, 2008)

M. Le Renard said:


> Could use some improvement....
> I went ahead and looked up 'lombax' on wikipedia, because I was like, "What the crap is a lombax?"  I guess it's a fictional species from Ratchet and Clank, and therefore copyrighted.  Just warning you in case you had thoughts of publication that you wouldn't be allowed to use such a species without permission.
> I could give it a more detailed look later if you want, but right now I'm procrastinating on a paper for my English class that's due tomorrow.  Let me know if you want specifics on how to improve it.



If I do decide to try to get the book published, i will in fact contact Insomniac Games to see if I can use their characters likeness, but not the exact character. 

And please, be specific, what might I improve on? you wont hurt my feelings!


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## M. LeRenard (Sep 23, 2008)

> If I do decide to try to get the book published, i will in fact contact Insomniac Games to see if I can use their characters likeness, but not the exact character.


Eh... good luck with that.  Something tells me you'd be better off coming up with a different race.  This doesn't exactly go under fair use, so you'd have to shell out big moolah to get their permission.



> And please, be specific, what might I improve on?


Like Scotty above said, I don't quite see the point of the times.  If it's to make it seem slower, it doesn't exactly work.  Maybe incorporate it into the action a little more: "Orgee shoots a glance at the clock: 4:58 PM."  And then later, "Another glance at the clock: 4:59.  Damn, it's only been a minute?"  Something like that.
You need to relearn your rules of punctuation and capitalization.  A lot of the time you're using commas where you should use periods, no periods at all where you end a sentence, and you seem to have a habit of capitalizing random words.  Also, don't rely on spell-checker: there are several places where you use the wrong word but spell it correctly, which is a sure sign that spell-check is all you're doing (e.g.: decapitated=/=decrepit, minuets=/=minutes, intimidate=/=immediate).  Proof-read to avoid this.
A few of your sentences are confusing.  Make sure everything is where it's suppose to be so logical connections can be made.  e.g.: "The Van is large and white, but nearly impossible to see due to a large amount of Graffiti sprayed onto it by local kids."  This leads me to believe that the van itself is invisible, like it sank into a puddle of graffiti or something.
Try not to dump backstory on us.  The aside about Steve's mother is cute, but it interrupts the flow and doesn't really add anything to what's going on at that moment.  Take it out of there in the form it's in now and add it back bit by bit in places where you feel like it would appropriate to bring up.  Most normal people don't stop and look at their friends, who they see everyday, and think, "Boy, seeing him sure makes me think about how his mother had such a hard time bringing them all up, and how strong she is," but this is how that kind of info-dumping comes across.
About 50% (maybe: I didn't actually count) of your snippets of dialogue begin with some form of 'hey man'.  It almost makes it sound like a comedy skit, or something.  Change a few of those to something else.
And a few small, opiniony things.  1) His name... did you make it look and sound like 'orgy' on purpose?  It's kind of funny, but I don't know if there's some deeper purpose to that or not.  Just thought I'd bring it up.  2) I strongly advise you to avoid the word 'yiff'.  But that's only because I think it's a stupid word that could easily be replaced by 'fuck', which would be a word that has well-known connotations and is therefore the better (and less ridiculous sounding) choice.  Up to you if you want to change it or not, but I'll tell you now that the first time I see 'yiff' appear in a piece of writing, I tend to stop reading.

Good things: Your characters have a lot of personality, which you convey fairly well (if a bit shakily due to limited comprehension of grammar), and you keep things moving at a reasonable pace.  In most places, you have just the right amount of description (enough to give us a picture, not enough to bore us to death; I do think you could incorporate it a little better into the story, though), and you give the right details (pointing out the graffiti on the car rather than, say, the fact that it has four wheels; it's not overdone, is what I'm saying, which is a common trap people fall into).  And every now and then you use just the right word, which lends the piece a whole new burst of color that a lot of writing lacks (an example is 'numbingly gray cubicle': it's not just gray and boring, it drains the _life_ of the person who works in it.  Very nice).

Anyway, keep it going.  Keep this stuff in mind as you move forward, but don't worry about fixing anything until you're done with the first draft.  Hope this helps.


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## HumanLombax (Sep 23, 2008)

Thanks Guys, It really is a big help!
1. Yes it is a first draft ^_^
2. I put the time in the first paragraph to show how slow time is creeping by, but You're right, I'll probably remove later references in the story line. 
3. I know the language is course, but I try to emulate how people talk to one another in real life. In my opinion, their would be a lot more cursing due to the youthful characters, but I don't want to feel like I'm overusing them like a child trying to act adult.
4. YES! I have a terrible habit of useing that damn shift key all the time! Im trying to break myself of it... (I have already tore the  Caps locks key off all my keyboards)
5. I have gotten mixed responses for the third Person POV , but I think I want to keep it that way because I intend to switch the focous o the characters from Orgee, To steve, To Ryokie and to Molly, (not introduced yet) branching the story from one to many then later recondincing back to one main story line. 
6. Im not crazy about books written in the past tense, so I believe that to be a matter of opinion...
7. "The Van is large and white, but nearly impossible to see due to a large amount of Graffiti sprayed onto it by local kids."   .....Yeah...I'm just an idiot there ^_^ i was working with distractions....I do intend to fix that.
8. YEah, I know his name sounds like Orgy. I used my character name and species, but changed his personality so I'm not writing about myself ;that would make me feel arrogent.... I will proably end up making mild changes to his body and change his species...
9. I used yiff because, as i stated earlier, I dont want to over use the word 'fuck', and people say it all the time .
10. I will take a look into a critique group once I get a bit further into the story. 
11. I do realize i need to find a better place to interject back story....but I cannot honestly find a good place...

Thank you again, and if you have any other suggestions, please, let me know! I would really like tohis to go somewhere.


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## M. LeRenard (Sep 23, 2008)

> 11. I do realize i need to find a better place to interject back story....but I cannot honestly find a good place...


Just wanted to clarify... I don't mean necessarily in this chapter.  Stretch it out over the whole book if you have to, but never just insert it where it doesn't belong.  Keep writing and eventually you'll come across a place where you can use it without breaking the flow.
Good luck.


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## ScottyDM (Sep 23, 2008)

HumanLombax said:


> 4. YES! I have a terrible habit of useing that damn shift key all the time! Im trying to break myself of it... (I have already tore the  Caps locks key off all my keyboards)


I LOLed myself!  



HumanLombax said:


> 5. I have gotten mixed responses for the third Person POV , but I think I want to keep it that way because I intend to switch the focous o the characters from Orgee, To steve, To Ryokie and to Molly, (not introduced yet) branching the story from one to many then later recondincing back to one main story line.


I love third person and feel it's far more versatile than first person. In third person you can play with narrative distance. I think of it a bit like directing a movie--where is the camera (the third person narrator)? Observing the action from a distance, perched on the POV character's shoulder, or somewhere in between. In first person the camera is stuck inside the POV character's head. Still, first person is powerful and has its uses.

I feel you don't need to stick to a single style throughout your novel. And even if written in first person you don't need to stick to a single POV character--you can switch them when you switch scenes or chapters. Sol Stein is a professional editor turned agent and has written a few books--fiction and nonfiction. In his book _Stein on Writing_ (recommended) he mentions that in his novel _The Magician_ (courtroom drama) he used six first person characters. That's a lot! I recently read a sci-fi novel with about 30 third person characters, which is a lot too, but the novel was an ensemble piece with no clear main characters or even races.

I must say I am thrilled that you seem to understand POV and especially limiting POV within a scene. I've a little six-page primer on POV. It's kind of a quickie overview and shows some of my biases, such as my anti-omniscient unlimited bias, which is just my opinion of course. As long as you realize I am not the god of fiction, you may find something useful in that essay.



HumanLombax said:


> 6. Im not crazy about books written in the past tense, so I believe that to be a matter of opinion...


Yes, it is a matter of opinion. But I'm curious, which professionally published novels have you read that are written in present tense? I've heard they exist, but I can't recall ever reading one. Short stories are often published in more experimental formats, but then they don't have to sustain an odd writing style for 100,000 words.

My gut reaction when I read the first paragraph of any story and the narrative bits are in present tense is, "Oh dear lord, please no!" My immediate assumption is the story will be utter dreck and not worth the charge carriers used to transmit it to my P.C. However, I have been pleasantly surprised. Nadan (Nathan Ryan) wrote a short series titled _A Glass Half Full_, but his site's offline and I don't find any of those stories online. For the summer 2007 anthrofiction contest Mercwriter entered _The Gray Wolf: A Fairy Tale Retold_, which was in first person present tense. I remember it was so smooth I didn't even realize it was present tense until several pages into the story! Unfortunately, I take the stories down one quarter after the end of each contest period.  And I don't see it in her stories at Critique Circle either. That was a bust.

IMO the problem with mixing present tense and third person is that it blurs the line between the characters and the narrator. Dialog and internal monologue (thoughts) are in present tense. The definition of third person is that the narrator is a separate person from any of the in-scene characters (typically the narrator is assumed to be the author). When the narration and the dialog are both in present tense, the only thing to denote one from the other are the quote marks, and if your POV character has some thoughts you're forced to put them in italics (italics are one of several acceptable techniques for internal monologue). However, with first person the POV character is the narrator, so present tense seems okay. It's still not the natural way to tell a story though since most stories are something that happened (in the past) and not something that is happening (right now).



HumanLombax said:


> 10. I will take a look into a critique group once I get a bit further into the story.


My big problem is getting stuff finished. So yea, don't get too bogged down with getting the prose perfect right now and just finish something.

There are different styles of working. Some create characters then let them run wild and record what those characters do--and edit later. Sometimes massive edits including ripping and rewriting vast chunks of the plot. Some are uber-planners and know precisely every plot twist before they start--which still requires some editing later. Most are sort of between those extremes.

Sci-fi great Robert A. Heinlein created a short list of rules for how to be successful at selling fiction. The first two are the most important:
You must write.
Finish what you start.
Kinda says it all.  

Of course you gotta be pretty darn good at writing and storytelling to sell, but if you haven't written or finished anything then all the skill in the world won't help.

Scotty


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## HumanLombax (Sep 23, 2008)

Thank you Guys Both once again... I'm gonna print out what you guys said to refer to while I'm writing, that way I Don't have to edit as much later ^_^


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