# From the heart: Back to the basics



## Shouden (Aug 30, 2008)

WOO! man I love story writing. been doing it a lot lately. (yeah, i am taking a break from script and fanfic writing to keep my skills up.) Anyways, I figured I would throw my latest work up here for some critiquing. This should be a lot better than my last work I threw on here.

Here it is, in it's entirety.

â€œComfort: The Thoughts of the Deadâ€


Have you ever felt it? A gentle hand moving lovingly through your thick fur or the deep sense of peace and solace it brought? I remember. How could I forget it? Even the rough hands of an Indian Chief felt marvelous as they brushed my fur. There is nothing like it in the world.
	We wolves are not known for our gentle side, or our views on anything but death. And while, I know a lot about death, I have realized that there is much more to life than just blood and torture. Wolves are such a noble breed. We did not want this war or the bloodshed and tears it has wrought. We wanted peace.
	I have never been able to grasp we they did what they did. But I remember as I lay there in the snow, spear piercing my heart, I recalled the smells of the days of old, before death was smeared across this land. No one remembers the sound of hoof beats and wolf howls anymore. Even the noble natives of this land do not linger on such things. No one dwells on how the buffalo provided much food for us wolves.
	We did not return the attack they started. We outnumbered them and easily could have, but we did not wish to stoop to their level. War solves not problems, but, rather, the genius of a manâ€™s morals. This can fall on both sides of the river. A war that is started because one is unjustly afraid of something is not a war, but a slaughter. This land will never be the same.
	My solace as I dwelt there in the falling snow, was the memories of my mate and the memories of the air rushing through my fur as I rode horseback over the wild plains of this land. I remember Aita and I both enjoyed such times. But, no one remembers how we taught the natives how to ride, or at least, that is what my parents once told me. Why forget the pass? Why not remember how it was and all the beauty of once was and strive to recreate it again.
	The angels smoothed my fur with warm hands, but my name was never called. No, I knew that God was dwelling on weather to revive my dead heart. I did not want life, though. I just wanted to lie there and feel the comfort of their hands as they petted me. Have you ever felt it? A gentle hand moving through your thick fur or the deep sense of solace it brought? I remember. And I will never forget.


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## M. LeRenard (Aug 30, 2008)

You might consider proofreading one more time.


> And while, I know


No comma.


> able to grasp we they did


'what' they did


> But, no one remembers


No comma.


> that God was dwelling on weather to revive


'whether'

Those were the ones I noticed on a quick run-through.  There might be more.
Otherwise... you use the word 'death' an awful lot in the beginning.  Change a few of those.  Some of your sentences near the end don't make a whole lot of sense, either, like:


> War solves not problems, but, rather, the genius of a manâ€™s morals.


War solves the genius of a man's morals?  I don't really know what that means.  The sentence before this one was a little sketchy, too.  I'm assuming it means 'easily could have surrounded them'?  In any case, it threw me, and that's not something you want to happen to a reader.

Other than that it seems okay.  I think the fact that you end with the beginning is a nice touch, and gives the right effect.


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## Shouden (Aug 30, 2008)

M. Le Renard said:


> War solves the genius of a man's morals?  I don't really know what that means.  The sentence before this one was a little sketchy, too.  I'm assuming it means 'easily could have surrounded them'?  In any case, it threw me, and that's not something you want to happen to a reader.
> 
> Other than that it seems okay.  I think the fact that you end with the beginning is a nice touch, and gives the right effect.





Yeah. I was trying to say that war can challenge the wisdom of the one who starts the war. Reading what I had there over again, it does make it hard to follow. I think simply deleting that phrase and cleaning up the one before will work wonders.


Thanks on the compliment at the end there though. I thought it was a fitting end as well and kind of sums up and brings you back to the beginning and eases you out of the dream or thought.

Anyways, I am off to do some proofreading/editing.


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## lobosabio (Aug 30, 2008)

Are you intending this to be realistic?  If so, I'm going to have to whack you over the knuckles with a ruler.


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## Shouden (Aug 30, 2008)

don't come here and insult my intelligence, please. I don't think this is the "Realistic Affinity forums" I wouldn't dream of posting anything intended to be realistic. Artistic, maybe. Maybe you should smack yourself across  the knuckles with the ruler.


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## lobosabio (Aug 30, 2008)

Okay, fair enough.  It just annoys me that nobody seems to know how wolves operate.


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## Shouden (Aug 30, 2008)

Oh, and I guess you have a telepathic connection with them and know exactly what they are thinking? Don't be hypocritical, dude. Until you can get a wolf to speak, don't make inferences about things you don't understand. That's how shit happens. No one knows how animals fully operate except for God himself. So unless you are God, keep your mouth shut about "how they operate" and before you make such comments on any of my threads, just stop yourself because I don't want to hear them, got it?


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## M. LeRenard (Aug 31, 2008)

Settle down, you two.  Let's not have a repeat bitch-out session.
I think lobosabio was just referring to how your work isn't terribly representative of lupine behavioral research.  Not that it needs to be, necessarily.


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## Shouden (Aug 31, 2008)

"lupine behavioral research," huh? Well. whatever. I wasn't trying to start a bitch-out session. Just didn't like his tone or wording is all.

The best way to study animal behavior is to go in with an open mind that is not crammed full of classroom BS. School teaches you only that they are animals and nothing else. But, they are more than that. The natives see them as spirits, and they are a symbol. If you really want to understand them, let them teach you everything there is to know about them. You might burn those books in the end.


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## M. LeRenard (Aug 31, 2008)

Most of this kind of research can only be done on the field.  A lot of it came from hunters and trappers, actually, who had to know how they behaved so they could... well, kill them and make money (the same goes for foxes and a lot of other creatures).  Not pleasant, but that's where most of the info comes from.  And there's a guy who's out there right now, I think, who basically just made himself into a member of a pack and lived with them.  I don't know how respected he is in the more mainstream scientific community, but he sounds like he'd be more up your alley, if you want to look into his research too.  Can't remember his name, though, but I'll bet you can find it through Google if you look hard enough.  That would interesting reading, anyway.
I do think folks need to start looking a little more deeply into animal behavior, though.  The people who did came up with some incredibly intriguing stuff.  But since most people tend to think that animals are just there for our convenience or to be pests, not a whole lot of money's being put into it right now.  Kind of a shame; we're always looking toward the stars for signs of intelligent life, but if you think about it, there's plenty of it right here on Earth that we've always just ignored.


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## Shouden (Aug 31, 2008)

this is true. and they have plenty to teach us about ourselves. I think the wolf has the most important lesson of all for us: Be wild; be untamed; be fierce and yet, don't forget to spend time with others and to love your family. Take care of them and they will take care of you. But always be wild.

Part of me still feels their wildness is one thing that has gotten wolves in lot of  trouble. This world wants tamed creatures, and I don't feel wolves can fully be tamed. and in this world: what you can't control, you kill.


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