# Ways I can improve



## Adrianfolf (Dec 25, 2008)

Hey guys I'm some what of a new writer I've only written and finished one story that I worked hard on if you wanna see it http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1432675/
Yes it is 4 months old and I am working on another one but I really wanted to get some feedback and maybe some tips on how I can do better. I've seen a lot of good stories around and I want to make some of the best on here. So any critsism is allowed be harsh if you have to


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## Oryxe (Dec 26, 2008)

Yay!! Learning is what writing is all about anyways, right? I'd like to say I enjoyed your story. But there's room for improvement. (Protip: There is ALWAYS room for improvement).

First off I think we need to bring up the 'show, not tell' rule. Exposition = bad! It's like unwanted, flabby love handles! The best way to get rid of them is to burn them off like those enhealthy christmas carbs! 

Sorry, do I sound hyper? =/ I need to drink less coffee. Anyways

As I said earlier I liked the *story*. The grammar, syntax, and imagery not so much. You have a good plot, right? But unless you breath life into it in the form of bright imagery, engaging dialogue, and interesting commentary, it will remain as dead and dull as a point-form script for a movie. 

Here are some places you can try to improve: 

1) exposition! Instead of saying it, demonstrate it. This can be simple, like a characters hesitation at the sight of a memory-inducing object, or complex, like an allusion to past events through dialogue.

2) Imagery and storytelling! Instead of saying "they shot all the planes down", why not explore the fight down to the nitty gritty details? Planes scream through the air, guns blaring, as pilots fight for their life! There's got to be something going on in there.

3) Dialogue. This is probably the most important part of characterization, as it provides your audience with a direct link to your characters mind and thoughts. Be sure to keep it original and in character! Once you get a good character going, they shold be telling YOU the dialogue, not the other way around. 

Finally I want you to have fun. I always put on some music when I write, depending on what I'm writing. If it's slash fiction or something funny, I listen to stuff like Britney spears, Sclub7, the Backstreet Boys, Tune Up, and other dance music. If it's a horror piece, i like emo/alt rock, classical, opera..

Basically, try to get into a groove and stick with it. The ideas should come pouring out like the guts of an unlucky matador...


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## Adrianfolf (Dec 26, 2008)

Alright I'll try that in my next one. Thank you for the tips <3 and I'm glad you liked it


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## M. LeRenard (Dec 26, 2008)

No need to echo a lot of what Oryxe said, because it's true, but I'll add a few things.
Watch your punctuation.  Just in general I think you need to get your English grammar straightened out.  You might benefit from reading through this thread, actually.
Your characters in general need more personality.  They all sound pretty generic, like you pulled them from some Saturday morning cartoon show from the mid 80's.  Give them quirks; even if it's something as simple as a guy who always rubs his nose after saying something, or maybe someone who has a hard time keeping his drool under control, whatever.  Just make them all have some defining characteristics.  The best way to do this is to pretend you're someone else while you're writing them.  In a sense, writing good characters is a lot like acting them out, just that you're making them come to life through words on a page rather than through your own person.  But in essence it's the same thing: keep that in mind.
Along with the whole 'show, don't tell' bit, don't be afraid to use more complicated literary devices.  Metaphors, similes, things like that.  If you can come up with good ones, they're wonderful, because that's the best and most interesting way you can get your point across to the reader.  Is it more clear to say, "The liquid was slimy and green," or "The liquid was slimy and green, like tepid water in a radon-infested sewer"?  The goal is to be able to find one that both gets an image in the reader's head and gives him information about the characters/scenery/location/whatever that you otherwise can't find a place to fit in; something that makes the reader ask himself, "Now why dd he choose that exact comparison, I wonder?".  Play around, and even if you can't think of anything terribly clever, do what you can.  You'll get better with practice, anyway.

But yeah... you don't need any help with the story itself, I don't think.  I mean, it's short, but everything's there and in the right order (and you'd be surprised how easy it is to screw that up, so you get kudos for that), the pace stays lively the whole time, yadda yadda.  The only thing you're having trouble with is the mechanics of writing, I'd say.  So get those down and you'll be great.


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## Adrianfolf (Dec 27, 2008)

Thank you for the advice. I just wrote the second chapter yesterday http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1830948/

This time I focused on get giving Zeoma (The lead character) more of a background story so the reader could better get a feeling for him. I can understand my English and grammar aren't so great (I only got B's in school) So I'm slowly working my way up there ^^. I'm just glad people are willing to help me find my flaws and give advice on how to do better. Its thanks to you guys the readers that I push myself hard to practice and do better


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## Xipoid (Dec 27, 2008)

Adrianfolf said:


> Thank you for the advice. I just wrote the second chapter yesterday http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1830948/
> 
> This time I focused on get giving Zeoma (The lead character) more of a background story so the reader could better get a feeling for him. I can understand my English and grammar aren't so great (I only got B's in school).



There are just a few things I wish to point out:

1) You switched tenses which can be mildly confusing. (e.g. unstated transition to/from a flashback?)

2) When a new character speaks, start a new paragraph. It will help clarify what is going on.

3) Dialogue tags. They can be spiced up a bit. Said is always a great word because it is so invisible to the reader in a story, but sometimes there are just betters ways to say "said". However, keep in mind moderation. Sometimes it is best to simply omit one (or two or three).

4) If you want to add a little flavor, trying varying your sentence structure and/or adding some literary devices. Though a word of caution, you do want to immerse the reader in imaginative detail, but be careful not to drown them.


Beyond that I cannot say lest I wish to ultracrepidate.



P.S.
When uploading stories in txt format, use UTF-8 encoding so you do not have those <?> symbols. (If you are using notepad, that can be found when you click "Save As". "Encoding" will be at the very bottom of the pop-up menubox.) Also, BBcode is enabled when using text files in case you need it (which is what the forums here use).


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## Adrianfolf (Dec 27, 2008)

Oh man I didn't realize how many things were need to make a story like this good . I suppose this is what I get for not being able to attend a normal highschool. Hopefully I can get some tutioring in collage if I can pass my enterance exam


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## kitreshawn (Dec 27, 2008)

Here is a link of stuff I have written specifically to help new writers:

http://forums.furaffinity.net/showthread.php?t=27661

It actually includes a whole post specifically on dialogue so you may find it useful.


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## Adrianfolf (Dec 27, 2008)

I'll take a look later I guess what I'll start doing is posting rough drafts then reedit it then upload the new one


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## M. LeRenard (Dec 27, 2008)

> Oh man I didn't realize how many things were need to make a story like this good . I suppose this is what I get for not being able to attend a normal highschool. Hopefully I can get some tutioring in collage if I can pass my enterance exam


Doesn't matter where you go to school, really.  You're in the same boat as the rest of us.  Writing is hard, and public education doesn't seem to have figured out a good way to teach it yet.  I'm completely self-taught, actually, just by reading lots of fiction myself, as well as books on writing and composition and the like.  Grammar came from school, but nothing else.
Just keep working at it.  You'll figure it out eventually.


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## Art Vulpine (Dec 27, 2008)

Adrianfolf said:


> Oh man I didn't realize how many things were need to make a story like this good . I suppose this is what I get for not being able to attend a normal highschool. Hopefully I can get some tutioring in collage if I can pass my enterance exam


 
A great way to improve, besides of course continuing to practice, is to while in college look for a creative writing class if you have the space in your schedule.

Creative writing helps you to become more detailed with your writing and is geared to narritive types of writing.

For me writing has been mostly self taught.


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## Vore Writer (Dec 27, 2008)

Adrianfolf said:


> Oh man I didn't realize how many things were need to make a story like this good . I suppose this is what I get for not being able to attend a normal highschool. Hopefully I can get some tutioring in collage if I can pass my enterance exam



The best way to improve your writing is to keep on writing and read. As for college, I suggest just checking out On Writing by Stephen King. You'll probably end up saving thousands of dollars.


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## Adrianfolf (Dec 28, 2008)

Vore Writer said:


> The best way to improve your writing is to keep on writing and read. As for college, I suggest just checking out On Writing by Stephen King. You'll probably end up saving thousands of dollars.



Well thats not what I'm going in for.


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