# I have an idea for a (non-furry) webcomic... tell me what you think!



## PoisonUnagi (Nov 19, 2010)

Okay, so for the past couple days I've been thinking about this idea for a webcomic. I _might_ end up writing this as just plain old text-prose-thing, but I'm not quite sure yet.

Be aware that if you  _do _end up wanting to read it from the setting, bear in mind the storyline here will contain LOADS of spoilers. This is the whole storyline, people 


Okay, first off, the setting, which is absolutely IMPERITIVE (ative? how do ya spell that? xD) to the storyline, so you kinda need to know it. 

Basically, there are 4 "Planes". Each plane is home to a planet. Plane 1 is a planet called Pangeria, which is a fairly small, hot planet. For the most part, Pangeria is a barrenish wasteland-style place (think 'borderlands') with little government control outside the few supercities, next to no public education, ridiculously high crime levels, and nowhere is safe. Plane 2 is Terra, otherwise known as Earth in the year 2010. Yup. Here and now. Plane 3 is a massive planet called Starkhaven, and is very technologically advanced. Everyone lives in massive skycities above the ground, because the surface of the planet is far too dangerous, with massive predators, deadly parasites, and a humanoid reptilian species (see what i did thar) that form tribes, cannot speak human languages, and are hostile to pretty much anything they see. Plane 4 (Lithra) is artificial - it's a plane created by the AP (Anti-Planeshifting) cult, who needed a place to reside without having to planeshift. (don't worry, i'll explain the AP cult in more detail later) 

However, the residents of the planes know the planes as being a bunch of mythological legends from hundreds of years ago, and very few people believe they even  _exist _anymore.


Characters! There aren't many characters of significance (i learned from concession that the more characters you have, the more frustrating it is to follow, and the more you have to keep track of), so this is a short list. 

Milacre - the protagonist. Milacre is rougly twenty or so, and lives alone in a house just outside of Yttra, a half-abandoned city on Pangeria. His mother fell ill to a disease and left to a supercity (Nexus) for healthcare. Milacre hasn't seen her since, but keeps in touch with her via telegram. His father had always hated him, and used Milacre's brother's 'death' as an excuse to pretend to commit suicide. Now his father lives a fair way away from Milacre with a group of bandits. Milacre moved out of his house to a smaller one once he became the last remaining member of his family there. 

Hank - Milacre's brother. A year before the happenings of the story, Hank disappeared leaving a note saying, "Depression is killing me. Planeshifting to Starkhaven for a better life". Milacre's mother didn't believe the note, but Milacre himself wasn't sure what to think. 

Garth - Milacre's best friend. Garth lives in the outskirts of Yttra, and also has a telegram line to Milacre's house. Garth, Milacre and before her death, Chloe, stick together when going into the bulk of Yttra, because there are bandits scattered everywhere. Going through alone is practically suicide. Garth was an only child, and has lived alone ever since his parents were killed by bandits when he was 16. 

Chloe - Milacre and Garth's other friend in the trio. Chloe is slightly younger than Milacre and Garth, and is killed by bandits very early in the storyline. 

Drake - Drake is a hermit living a ways out of Nexus. She has the ability to planeshift people. 

Nazath - The main antagonist. Nazath is the leader of the AP cult, and lives on Lithra with the cult at his service. 


Aaaand the storyline. This is what I want the feedback on.  
Be aware these are notes copied directly out of my scrapbook, if they don't make sense, tell me and I'll edit it.
Also be aware that these are summary notes, and not a full write-out of the storyline. An individual event like Chloe's death would span about 10-15 comics.
Arc 5's a lot more detailed, though, that's why it looks significantly longer. It's not, though, they're mostly the same length, other than 3 and 6.

Arc 1 - Flee 

With Chloe's death, Milacre and Garth realise Yttra is becoming too unsafe and flee to Nexus. 
Halfway there, they are ambushed and kidnapped by bandits.
While trying to escape, Milacre discovers the leader of the bandits is Bryan. (i'll come up with a full, legit reason for the kidnapping ad hoc)
The arc ends with Milacre killing Bryan.

Arc 2 - Media 

The police discover that Bryan is dead, and the evidence they find points to Milacre being their primary suspect. They track down Milacre. 
Upon interrogation, Milacre mentions Hank's planeshifting a year or so beforehand. The media want more answers, and the topic becomes controversial, and airs on radio networks.
Milacre is constantly questioned and everyone wants his answers, and eventually he can't take it anymore and goes into hiding with Garth. Milacre attempts to planeshift out of the situation, and failing that he sinks into depression.

Arc 3 - Message 

Hank speaks to Milacre in a "dream" (think furthia high but with a legit cosmic reason) and tells him about Drake, and tells Milacre to come to Starkhaven. 
Milacre, still in hiding with Garth, searches for Drake by asking around. He finds that Drake lives outside of Nexus, and goes to find him.
The arc ends with Milacre being planeshifted.

(yeah, fairly short arc, i might fit in a subplot) 

Arc 4 - Followed 

Milacre and Garth arrive on Starkhaven and are assumed to be homeless people. Everyone they meet is confused as to why they're paranoid walking around the city, and eventually they dorm with a college student who believes their story. They don't attend college, having not previous education, and try to find Hank. 
During their time in Starkhaven, Milacre and Garth feel like they are being watched.
Once they find Hank, he tells them he's also being watched.
Hank contacts Drake and gets him to planeshift the three of them to Terra to make the stalkers more 'agitated'.
Once they arrive in Terra, the stalkers are more obvious, and one even makes a full-on attack on them. They manage to knock him unconcious and get him to a secure location. There they torture him for information, and he reveals the hideout of their cult - a fourth plane, Lithra.

(even in the myths, there were only three planes, making the fourth come as a surprise) 

Arc 5 - Confrontations 

Upon arriving in Lithra (by means of Drake), Milacre and Garth are greeted by mysterious faceless people (note: the faceless people aren't part of the AP cult, they're mostly neutral), who capture them and take them to the hideout of the AP cult. 
When they get there, Nazath tells them that no-one must ever planeshift, for the three worlds must be kept seperate, because their cultures are far too diverse and mixing them could have terrible effects.
Nazath also shows them they have taken Drake hostage, and if they try to escape, he will be killed - and they'll be trapped on Lithra.
In his cell, Milacre's guard tells him that his mother has been killed by the AP cult. Not realising it's a bluff, Milacre goes into a state of rage and knocks the guard unconcious. He takes the guard's gun and massacres the AP cult.
Nazath confronts Milacre, wielding a rocket launcher (i should probably change this, any ideas for a more suitable weapon?). He convinces Nazath to give up, and he complies, dropping his weapon.
Milacre is ordered to follow Nazath, and he does, but gives Garth a subtle signal as he walks past his cell.
Garth performs a sneak attack on Nazath, and Milacre kills him. (kills nazath, not garth xD)
Upon rescuing Drake, they realise that they cannot planeshift out of Lithra. The faceless people come to them and tell them they must not leave, but refuse to tell why (epic i-couldn't-come-up-with-a-legit-idea manouvre).
They get hold of Nazath's rocket launcher (again, ideas pl0x) and simply blast their way through the faceless peoples' defenses, and get to the platform where they arrived in Lithra. It turns out to be a planeshifting machine, and they planeshift out. To where is unspecified at the end of this arc. (everyone loves cliffhangers! )

Arc 6 - Bonds (obligatory bittersweet epilogue arc) 

Milacre, Garth and Dazath come to an agreement - they will prove to everyone in the three planes that planeshifting IS possible and that the other planes DO exist, and unite the three worlds, giving them the full truth. 
Hank, however, disagrees with the motion, saying that the AP cult were right - the worlds need to be kept seperate. At first he pretends Milacre convinces him that it's for the best, but he still believes Milacre, Garth and Drake are wrong, and sets out to murder them. He manages to kill Milacre and Garth, but is stopped before he can kill Drake - so planeshifting is still an option.
Eventually, the worlds _do _become united, with Milacre and Garth becoming legends in the eyes of the people.

/ubertext 

So, there's my entire story. Like it says in the title, tell me what you think, I need all the feedback I can get... or it'll be a massive plothole-fest. 

For those wondering, this is definitely  *not *going to be a comedy. It'll be a dead serious, dark, in-your-face thriller-type-thing. As far as genre goes, think "Texhnolyze". But not so cerebral and artsy, I couldn't do something that epic.

EDIT: As far as a title goes, I've yet to decide. Originally it was going to be called 'The Proximity Experiment' and follow a COMPLETELY different storyline, but obviously it doesn't fit now. Any suggestions are welcome  

For all you TL;DRers, maybe you can just skim through, try not to whine about my wall-o-text.

EDIT: I also need someone to bounce ideas off as I'm writing the comic, if I can't get someone on one of the three forums I've got this topic on then I'll just use the artist I may or may not find :/


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## Taralack (Nov 19, 2010)

Considering this is a furry forum, you might have better luck getting opinions on your idea at a more general webcomic site, like Smackjeeves.


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## Smelge (Nov 19, 2010)

Toraneko said:


> Considering this is a furry forum, you might have better luck getting opinions on your idea at a more general webcomic site, like Smackjeeves.


 
Why not? We can still opinionate.

And I will once I have sufficiently woken up enough to tackle a wall o' text.


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## Smelge (Nov 19, 2010)

Doesn't seem too bad.

I assume this is a rough outline and you plan on refining your concept, story and ideas. What you will need, is a competent artist. No offence, but the bit of art you have is pretty terrible. If you can't be bothered locating an artist, go the story route, but be aware that a lot of people ignore stories online in favour of instant gratification visual art.

To locate an artist, you will need to write a more concise brief regarding art style, frequency and so on, along with a basic breakdown and at least a chapter of script for artists to get the feel for your writing. If you are going the comic route, have a shot with www.celtx.com


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## PoisonUnagi (Nov 19, 2010)

Smelge said:


> Doesn't seem too bad.
> 
> I assume this is a rough outline and you plan on refining your concept, story and ideas. What you will need, is a competent artist. No offence, but the bit of art you have is pretty terrible. If you can't be bothered locating an artist, go the story route, but be aware that a lot of people ignore stories online in favour of instant gratification visual art.





Smelge said:


> To locate an artist, you will need to write a more concise brief regarding art style, frequency and so on, along with a basic breakdown and at least a chapter of script for artists to get the feel for your writing. If you are going the comic route, have a shot with  www.celtx.com




Mmm, I thought drawing the whole thing myself would be a pretty overwhelming task.
I downloaded Celtx, it looks VERY promising and useful, thanks for the link


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## Stratelier (Nov 19, 2010)

What font are you using in your post?  I can barely read the thing.

Anyway, if you're going to pitch a comic idea for feedback, there's a line to draw between merely giving a synopsis and giving a full script (for lack of a better word).  The former gives people a taste of the concept, the setting, and potential themes, but otherwise doesn't spoil important details.  The latter tells _everything_, bar none, and that's not always a good thing.


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## PoisonUnagi (Nov 19, 2010)

Stratadrake said:


> What font are you using in your post?  I can barely read the thing.



It's my custom font, I'll change it back if it's hard to read. 



Stratadrake said:


> Anyway, if you're going to pitch a comic idea for feedback, there's a line to draw between merely giving a synopsis and giving a full script (for lack of a better word).  The former gives people a taste of the concept, the setting, and potential themes, but otherwise doesn't spoil important details.  The latter tells





Stratadrake said:


> _everything_, bar none, and that's not always a good thing.




Mm, I did consider I might want to just give away parts of it for my feedback, but I'm concerned there might be some plotholes later in the storyline. I want the summary to be fully revised before I start writing.

EDIT: Why does FAF keep splitting my quotes in half? It's meant to be two, but it became three oO


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## Taralack (Nov 19, 2010)

PoisonUnagi said:


> It's my custom font, I'll change it back if it's hard to read.


 
You should avoid using custom fonts on forums, things like that generally tend to rub people the wrong way.

And it split in two possibly because you added another quote tag in between that last quote.


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## PoisonUnagi (Nov 19, 2010)

Toraneko said:


> You should avoid using custom fonts on forums, things like that generally tend to rub people the wrong way.
> 
> And it split in two possibly because you added another quote tag in between that last quote.



Eh, but it did it by itself. It's probably vBulletin's fault, all teh pr0z use PHPBB2.


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## aroughcun (Nov 19, 2010)

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Well, the setting is fresh and potentially interesting.[/FONT]


[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]But the truth is that the overall plot doesnâ€™t really matter that much. The Lord of the Rings had a pretty straightforward plot, the one of Final Fantasy VII was extremely convoluted. Both are praised as epics.[/FONT]


[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Itâ€™s the execution that matters. And the part of the execution that matters the most is the characters. You want the audience to have very strong feelings about your characters, whether they love (the heroes) or hate (the villains) them or are fascinated by their cleverness (either one). Strong characters are not equally important for every type of story, but a classic heroâ€™s quest needs them more than anything else. [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Romance can become a plot tumor when done wrong, but usually a romantic subplot or at least some romantic tension makes the audience care more for the specific characters.[/FONT][/FONT]


[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The pacing of a comic is very important. Even many (very) successful longform webcomics donâ€™t do it right. Most of them are too slow paced. They go on and on and nothing really important happens ever. â€œOn e[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]very page something interesting happens.â€ If you could pull off something like this, you have a very good chance to succeed, even if the art is not looking that great. Though, you generally need better art for a story comic than for a comedy comic.[/FONT][/FONT]


[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Writing dialog for a comic is HARD. Itâ€™s much harder than writing dialog for a role playing game, for example. Every line has to be precise and to the point. Never just take the first draft of the dialog and put it into the speech bubbles. Write the dialog and then have a look at it again later. At least at the beginning until you become more experienced.[/FONT]


[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]You definitely need to have explanations for all major plot points. You donâ€™t have to explain everything in the comic itself, but YOU have to know! If you donâ€™t, youâ€™ll quickly write yourself into a corner and will need some deus ex machina plot device that every reader will hate.[/FONT]


â€œ[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The Proximity Experimentâ€ is an awful title, good you donâ€™t want to use it. What about something simple like â€œPlanesâ€? [/FONT]


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## PoisonUnagi (Nov 19, 2010)

aroughcun said:


> [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Well, the setting is fresh and potentially interesting.[/FONT]
> 
> 
> [FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]But the truth is that the overall plot doesnâ€™t really matter that much. The Lord of the Rings had a pretty straightforward plot, the one of Final Fantasy VII was extremely convoluted. Both are praised as epics.[/FONT]
> ...



Thanks a bunch for all the tips, those're sure to help 
As for the title, well, "Planes" kinda gives the impression that it's about airplanes xD
I considered "Planeshifters" but that's the same problem...


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## Jude (Nov 19, 2010)

Its not furry enough :V


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## PoisonUnagi (Nov 19, 2010)

DrumFur said:


> Its not furry enough :V


 
But if they _were _all furries, it'd do nothing beneficial to the plot. That was the principle behind making it non-furry.


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## Stratelier (Nov 20, 2010)

PoisonUnagi said:


> It's my custom font, I'll change it back if it's hard to read.


I'd hardly call Century Gothic a "custom" font, but that's just coming from someone who designed and built their custom font from scratch....

Though there are certainly some days I really start wondering why FONT is a standard bbCode tag.  It's generally better to just stick with the default font except when you need to emphasize something.



> EDIT: Why does FAF keep splitting my quotes in half? It's meant to be two, but it became three oO


Check your markup and ensure that all your tags are nested properly, otherwise FAF breaks them up.


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## Taralack (Nov 20, 2010)

Stratadrake said:


> I'd hardly call Century Gothic a "custom" font, but that's just coming from someone who designed and built their custom font from scratch....


 
Wow bro nice font. *downloads*


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## Stratelier (Nov 20, 2010)

Toraneko said:


> *downloads*


Nice try. Go make your own


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## Taralack (Nov 20, 2010)

Stratadrake said:


> Nice try. Go make your own


 
What, not for personal use?

edit: oh wait, you didn't provide it for dl. derp


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## Stratelier (Nov 21, 2010)

Toraneko said:


> edit: oh wait, you didn't provide it for dl. derp


*grins*  Well, it is based on my own handwritten lettering, of course I'm not letting anyone else touch it.  (You should see my copyright notice, which basically boils down to "if you didn't write this message, you're not allowed to use it".)


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