# the 4th race



## Gnarl (Jun 29, 2015)

I started a new story, I was wondering if you wanted to comment or critique ? This is still a very raw version of the first chapter but here it is. 

http://www.furaffinity.net/fav/16961864/?key=8f393162c378977aedd4f0ecca70a88132d37538


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## BlazeVortex (Jun 29, 2015)

Cool:mrgreen:


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## Gnarl (Jun 29, 2015)

ARG! now this is what I am talking about, even old farts like me should take our own advice, read it again then re-read it again and spell check it several times whenever you make corrections and then read it again. It seems that there are several words missing and a couple of spelling errors and some punctuation errors for the possessive nouns. I wish I could blame it on posting the wrong copy but no I was tired and wanted to post it. Should have had the patience to wait until I read it again! Sorry about that people, I will go hide in a corner now!


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## hup2thepenguin (Jul 1, 2015)

I must say it's a lot of exposition for a first chapter. I think it's best to drop important information on a need to know basis.


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## Gnarl (Jul 1, 2015)

Oh, you need to know before the second chapter, In the second chapter the plot starts to get thick and in the third it hits the usual light speed! Action/romance/ ...space pirates?


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## Conker (Jul 1, 2015)

I agree with hup2thepenguin. It's nothing but exposition vomit for the first few pages. Your opening paragraph is best served as a prologue with the entirely of the next page probably cut entirely. Start with the scene in the cafe and the kidnapping.

Though even then, there's a lot of needless explanation. I wound up skipping chunks, and by the big conversation bout at the end, I was ready to check out.


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## Gnarl (Jul 1, 2015)

So I get it! skip the background and jump right to the space pirates! Then maybe fill in later or not!


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## hup2thepenguin (Jul 1, 2015)

Gnarl said:


> So I get it! skip the background and jump right to the space pirates! Then maybe fill in later or not!



You can fill in as you go. Tell us about the pirates when they appear, but don't explain the elves or animal people until they become important to the plot.


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## Gnarl (Jul 1, 2015)

The big conversation at the end of that chapter is basically to let the reader understand how he came to thought of as the heavenly warrior and why he ended up with the authority has at the attack of the space pirates. But I am thinking maybe, I will trash the idea of the journal thing and tense and just make it an adventure and not a telling of this is what happened. 
Just start out with the kidnapping and shorten it to a she claimed him sort of thing. Then have him look up and see the space station explode in the night sky and wa-la space pirates!


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## Conker (Jul 2, 2015)

Gnarl said:


> The big conversation at the end of that chapter is basically to let the reader understand how he came to thought of as the heavenly warrior and why he ended up with the authority has at the attack of the space pirates. But I am thinking maybe, I will trash the idea of the journal thing and tense and just make it an adventure and not a telling of this is what happened.
> Just start out with the kidnapping and shorten it to a she claimed him sort of thing. Then have him look up and see the space station explode in the night sky and wa-la space pirates!


That sounds like a much more fun read.


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## Gnarl (Jul 2, 2015)

OK! from a boring journal sort of thing I will throw most away and now go for the Action/adventure/romance  space pirate thing! By the way originally the space pirates were just a passing thought. 
Now they sound like too much fun!


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