# Polyamory



## Fiesta_Jack (Nov 14, 2011)

Hey FAF, does anyone here have any advice for someone considering starting/entering a polyamorous relationship? I've heard the basics, like communication being paramount, and things like that, but there isn't much detail on other things. I figure there's plenty of us in the furry community with alternative lifestyles, so this is a decent place to ask. I've had limited polyamory in previous relationships, but never a full triad or similar. 

Inb4 furry immaturity and pervertedness.


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## dinosaurdammit (Nov 14, 2011)

I can tell you one thing- it prolly wont end well :/


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## Aetius (Nov 14, 2011)

(Insert tasteless Mormon joke)


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## Fiesta_Jack (Nov 14, 2011)

dinosaurdammit said:


> I can tell you one thing- it prolly wont end well :/



Statistically, most relationships don't end well. 

I'm aware it's not for everyone, but I believe I can manage well enough to make it work, at least on my end. Besides; there's no way to know but to try.


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## Shay Feral (Nov 14, 2011)

I think other than the obvious communication advice, just know that humans regardless of gender are greedy and selfish little bastards/bitches. Expect someone to complain about being neglected at some point.


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## ramsay_baggins (Nov 14, 2011)

I have friends who are in a polyamorous relationship and it works really well for them. Like, really well. They have a fanastic relationship/relationships. In this case it's a girl with two long term boyfriends, though one of the boyfriends also has no shortage of romatic encounters with others.

Establish the open relationship status before the relationship happens, so that all parties know what they are getting into. Make sure you are not prone to jealousy. If ANYONE in the relationship is, it will fall apart. You have to be completely confident and trusting in your partner/partners and they have to be completely trusting with each other as well. Communication is paramount, as well as balancing time so that one doesn't feel left out. Also, be VERY CAREFUL in regards to sexual health. Make sure you know your partner/s and yourself will be using protection when sleeping with anyone outside of the established relationships or lets you know if they aren't, so that you can take care of your sexual health. Very important.

Polyamory works well for many people, and not well for others. It really does just depend on the person.


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## Grae Sparrowkin (Nov 14, 2011)

Dinosaurdammit is actually right.

There is actually a higher rate of failure in polyamorous relationships, but that could be because there are more people involved.

But if you want to try it, go ahead. Nobody is stopping you.

Tips: Don't over-advertise your sexuality, or people may think that you are trying too hard. 

Also, reading the following link would be a good idea.

http://livingpolyamory.blogspot.com/2009/04/piece-on-open-relationships-in.html


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## Xipoid (Nov 14, 2011)

Fiesta_Jack said:


> Hey FAF, does anyone here have any advice for someone considering starting/entering a polyamorous relationship? I've heard the basics, like communication being paramount, and things like that, but there isn't much detail on other things. I figure there's plenty of us in the furry community with alternative lifestyles, so this is a decent place to ask. I've had limited polyamory in previous relationships, but never a full triad or similar.
> 
> Inb4 furry immaturity and pervertedness.




Well, be *incredibly* selective who you let into the relationship. I don't think I can say that enough. There are plenty of people out there who want to be in a polyamorous relationship, but sure cannot handle it worth a damn. I would suggest being wary of anyone with a jealous/clingy streak, but do keep things somewhat blunt and honest. Don't waste your time beating around the bush for a month when you could have just asked a question and solved it in a day.


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## Tycho (Nov 14, 2011)

Yeah, um, my best advice regarding polyamory is don't get into it.  I have never heard of a polyamorous relationship that "succeeded" without one or more of the people involved being mentally/emotionally unhealthy.


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## israfur (Nov 14, 2011)

Tycho said:


> Yeah, um, my best advice regarding polyamory is don't get into it.  I have never heard of a polyamorous relationship that "succeeded" *without one or more of the people involved being mentally/emotionally unhealthy.*


Bolded for emphasis.


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## Lobar (Nov 14, 2011)

Are two of the parties potentially involved already in a monogamous relationship?  If so, this definitely won't end well.


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## Rotsala (Nov 14, 2011)

The problem with polyamory is usually that at least one person in the relationship is actually not comfortable with it and expects things to work out anyway.

It will in fact end horribly and make everyone feel like shit for a long time. Don't ever get into a relationship you aren't comfortable with, because things will go to shit more quickly and catastrophically than you thought possible. 

If everyone's chill about it though it's probably okay


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## Ad Hoc (Nov 14, 2011)

I shall be monitoring this thread. My partner really wants a triad relationship (only with my consent and knowledge); I'm pretty lukewarm on the idea but willing to learn more.


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## Fiesta_Jack (Nov 14, 2011)

Lobar said:


> Are two of the parties potentially involved already in a monogamous relationship?  If so, this definitely won't end well.



There's nobody specifically in mind. That sounds too creepy to me to proposition already formed monogamous relationships. 

Thanks to everyone with constructive advice.


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## RayO_ElGatubelo (Nov 14, 2011)

Me and my mate have an open relationship. Though it's really due to it being an LDR. And he has better luck romantically than I am.

Even then, I don't think I could ever do the monogamy thing. Too boring for my liking and not keen on settling down and raising children.

This is pretty much my guide to relationships. Don't be fooled by the title. Honesty plays a major part.
http://www.singledudetravel.com/2011/03/charlies-rules-for-womanizing/


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## Lobar (Nov 14, 2011)

Fiesta_Jack said:


> There's nobody specifically in mind. That sounds too creepy to me to proposition already formed monogamous relationships.
> 
> Thanks to everyone with constructive advice.


 
Sometimes it works the other way around, where a couple propositions a third person to join in, but typically in such cases only one is particularly enthusiastic about it while the other has either been pressured into going along with it or is just a doormat to begin with.


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## Tycho (Nov 14, 2011)

RayO_ElGatubelo said:


> Even then, I don't think I could ever do the monogamy thing. Too boring for my liking and not keen on settling down and raising children.



what the fuck does monogamy have to do with kids

monogamy is about dedicating yourself emotionally to one person.  it is about focusing your attention on that person's wants, needs, likes, dislikes, etc. to learn and understand that person.  it is about giving that person the best chance to understand and connect with you.  it is about discovering whether someone is REALLY suited to be your partner for the foreseeable future, without distractions.  it is about RESPECT for that person by demonstrating that you are willing to focus yourself on them.  it's also about minimizing the risk of STDs.


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## RayO_ElGatubelo (Nov 14, 2011)

Tycho said:


> what the fuck does monogamy have to do with kids
> 
> monogamy is about dedicating yourself emotionally to one person.  it is about focusing your attention on that person's wants, needs, likes, dislikes, etc. to learn and understand that person.  it is about giving that person the best chance to understand and connect with you.  it is about discovering whether someone is REALLY suited to be your partner for the foreseeable future, without distractions.  it is about RESPECT for that person by demonstrating that you are willing to focus yourself on them.  it's also about minimizing the risk of STDs.



Sorry I has ADD. I need to focus my attention on lots of people or I get bored.

I'm like Brett Favre in that Super Bowl commercial. Playing the field my entire life.


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## Tycho (Nov 14, 2011)

RayO_ElGatubelo said:


> Sorry I has ADD. I need to focus my attention on lots of people or I get bored.
> 
> I'm like Brett Favre in that Super Bowl commercial. Playing the field my entire life.



You're gross.


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## Bliss (Nov 14, 2011)

Tycho said:


> monogamy is about dedicating yourself emotionally to one person.  it is about focusing your attention on that person's wants, needs, likes, dislikes, etc. to learn and understand that person.


Can't you just hire a butler? :V


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## Neuron (Nov 14, 2011)

Last time I tried this everyone went behind my back and talked about relationship plans without me.

So many things can go wrong, and you think that everyone is mature enough to be incapable of jealousy, and then one day there are rumors spread and secrets passed around. Shit sucks.

Then of course there was my ex-boyfriend's family, oh man polyamorous BDSM wiccans are a fucking hoot. Lock up your dungeons if you're parents, is all I gotta say.

Which reminds me don't involve kids that never ends well but I'm sure you weren't intending to do that.


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## Arlo (Nov 14, 2011)

Tycho said:


> what the fuck does monogamy have to do with kids
> 
> monogamy is about dedicating yourself emotionally to one person. it is about focusing your attention on that person's wants, needs, likes, dislikes, etc. to learn and understand that person. it is about giving that person the best chance to understand and connect with you. it is about discovering whether someone is REALLY suited to be your partner for the foreseeable future, without distractions. it is about RESPECT for that person by demonstrating that you are willing to focus yourself on them. it's also about minimizing the risk of STDs.



Gotta agree with this.  My spouse and I have been happily married, monogamous and childfree for 14 years and counting!


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## RayO_ElGatubelo (Nov 14, 2011)

Yeah... I realize the childless thing. Still not staying with one person though.


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## Tycho (Nov 14, 2011)

RayO_ElGatubelo said:


> Yeah... I realize the childless thing. Still not staying with one person though.



You're not "polyamorous", you're a cockwagger.  There's no "amory" going on with you and your numerous would-be conquests, it's sheer lust and hedonism.


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## Dj_whoohoo (Nov 14, 2011)

Why would you want to share a guy with as many other girls?

I don't think it will end well.


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## Spatel (Nov 14, 2011)

If you have a primary and you're looking for a secondary... make sure your secondary is also seeing someone, because otherwise it will be an asymmetric relationship. They'll be emotionally dependent upon you, and you'll be emotionally closer to someone else.

If it's a full three way fuck if I know, but it sounds interesting. Good luck.


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## Evan of Phrygia (Nov 14, 2011)

Polyamory is dangerous if you get too attached, or if they get too attached and they feel like you're playing favorites.


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## Volkodav (Nov 14, 2011)

No. Do not do it.

I once really, really liked a guy and then one day he told me he was MARRIED and polyamorous! 
You have no idea how badly i wanted to rip his fucking face off.
Polyamorous people are unhappy, disgusting, and slutty. If you can't be happy loviing just one person, don't get involved with anybody at all


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## Spatel (Nov 14, 2011)

Clayton, you sound like my homophobic christian mother.


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## Volkodav (Nov 14, 2011)

Spatel said:


> Clayton, you sound like my homophobic christian mother.



im gay & anti-religion


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## Bliss (Nov 14, 2011)

Clayton said:


> im gay & anti-religion


You're a fool, a close-minded fool.

Trust me, I recognise a sister! C:


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## Volkodav (Nov 14, 2011)

Lizzie said:


> You're a fool, a close-minded fool.
> 
> Trust me, I recognise a sister! C:


I apologize. I have changed my ways.
I am now open-minded and accept everybody.

Now, all terrorists, skin-heads, pedophiles, child molestors, zoophiles, animal abusers, people who put kittens in ovens and hey, just people who think gays should be hung.. are all allowed to live in harmony!
OPEN-MINDEDNESS FOR EVERYBODY! 

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2860454/


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## Bliss (Nov 14, 2011)

Clayton said:


> I apologize. I have changed my ways.
> I am now open-minded and accept everybody.
> 
> Now, all terrorists, skin-heads, pedophiles, child molestors, zoophiles, animal abusers, people who put kittens in ovens and hey, just people who think gays should be hung.. are all allowed to live in harmony!
> OPEN-MINDEDNESS FOR EVERYBODY!


I am not open-minded. Right now I'd like to send certain Coalition ministers to labour camps.

Though, ironically, I have an _enormous_ problem with your inability to differ between criminal activity and inherent trait or political opinion. Such mentality has absolutely no place in a rechsstaat.


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## Volkodav (Nov 14, 2011)

Lizzie said:


> I am not open-minded. Right now I'd like to send certain Coalition ministers to labour camps.
> 
> Though, ironically, I have an _enormous_ problem with your inability to differ between criminal activity and inherent trait or political opinion. Such mentality has absolutely no place in a rechsstaat.


I wasn't comparing anything


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## Bliss (Nov 14, 2011)

Clayton said:


> I wasn't comparing anything


I know. *pat* :V

Now, draw me a Flemeth.


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## Volkodav (Nov 15, 2011)

Lizzie said:


> I know. *pat* :V
> 
> Now, draw me a Flemeth.


idk wtf that is


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## Spatel (Nov 15, 2011)

Clayton said:


> im gay & anti-religion


Hey maybe if you can't be happy loving a woman, don't get involved with anybody at all.

:V

Your arguments and their arguments... they're the same arguments. You're saying everyone should conform to your narrow view of how human sexual behavior should play out. Give me one reason why consenting adults shouldn't be able to have whatever the fuck relationship they want, if nobody is getting hurt?


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## Volkodav (Nov 15, 2011)

Spatel said:


> You're saying everyone should conform to your narrow view of how human sexual behavior should play out. Give me one reason why consenting adults shouldn't be able to have whatever the fuck relationship they want, if nobody is getting hurt?


What if ome person realizes the relationship is unfair?
You know, like I did? I'm speaking from experience


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## MausC (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi guys. I notice many people here seem to be being very aggressive towards what they don't agree with. Very typical "you can't have it because i don't like it"...

I respect monogamy. I have been in a monogamous relationship happily.

I am in a polyamorous relationship and have been with my partner for 3 and a half years, open on and off for two, to varrying degrees. We are madly in love, eachother's soulmates, all that other lovey dovey crap.

My partner is dating another person- someone who I have also had sex with, and we were friends before they started going out- for a year now. It's pretty dece. A little awkward when we are all together but things like that take time.

In 3 years I have slept with... 2...? other people? 3? I am involved with another person too atm since my partner and i live in different cities (though we see eachother every weekend, only an hour away, and just for school for the past couple months til the end of the year)

My partner is more promiscuous, perhaps 6-7, always using protection. I really enjoy having the freedom. To me it's some sort of deeper bond than the monogamous just trusting your partner won't cheat on you. in polyamoury it's also trusting that they love you. I understand this is not true for all people. for me that's how it is, and I ask that if you are to reply you respect that.

polyamoury takes, in my opinion, a lot more work than monogamy. you must be completely open to talking, and you must take responsibility for all your actions, and you must be respectful, reasonable, trusting, trustworthy, know how to cope with feelings of jealousy and talk about them with your partner, etc... and much more...

I think it works for me because i have such a deep connection with my partner. if i was 'equal' with hir other partner i think i would have instability problems- that is just me though. it's important to recognize that, too.


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## Volkodav (Nov 15, 2011)

if yourpartner is railin someone behind your back and considers you their "love"
youre kidding yourself.
theyre not satisfied with you as a sexual partner, you're boring them & they need variety


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## Seas (Nov 15, 2011)

Clayton said:


> if yourpartner is railin someone behind your back and considers you their "love"
> youre kidding yourself.
> theyre not satisfied with you as a sexual partner, you're boring them & they need variety



Or maybe you just don't understand this sort of relationship.
Seeing as you already failed one, as you mentioned before.


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## Ad Hoc (Nov 15, 2011)

Clayton said:


> if yourpartner is railin someone behind your back and considers you their "love"


It is my understanding that most polyamorous relationships strive for knowledge and consent from all parties. For example, my partner is I suppose in some way a polyamorist, he wants a triad. But I'm sort of lukewarm on the idea, and he respects me so he doesn't pursue it, and I trust him. It seems to me that, if all parties are aware and consenting and strive to maintain that, then certainly a number of things can still go wrong, but cheating (in the sense of going behind your partner's back) is not one of them. Perhaps that fellow you mentioned earlier was a liar and a cheat, but a person can't make a map of the forest by looking at one tree. My partner is poly but very respectful of me (in that he does not pursue others, as he has not gotten my clear consent), and we trust each other a great deal.


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## MausC (Nov 15, 2011)

Clayton said:


> if yourpartner is railin someone behind your back and considers you their "love"
> youre kidding yourself.
> theyre not satisfied with you as a sexual partner, you're boring them & they need variety



If you consider me standing there watching as they have sex 'behind my back' then that's about the only thing missing


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## HyBroMcYenapants (Nov 15, 2011)

Can we just agree apon the fact that dont take advice from furries when it comes to relationships?


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## Spatel (Nov 15, 2011)

Clayton said:


> What if ome person realizes the relationship is unfair?
> You know, like I did? I'm speaking from experience



Your experience didn't sound unfair. They told you they were poly, and you declined because you're not into it. It's not like he was fucking you for years and not telling you he was married to someone else. Which, funny enough, is something monogamous couples do all the time... and that's pretty damn unfair. That happens because they're programmed to be promiscuous but they're attempting to enforce western, christian values on themselves. Never ends well. Of course most of the human race is programmed that way, as evidenced by the divorce rates and the fact that most people have several relationships during their lives.

Some people aren't wired the way you are. Some people are just not possessive. If you are possessive, and you can't stand the idea of your partner sleeping with anybody else, stay the fuck away by all means. Don't judge though, and don't try to force other people to conform to arbitrary values.


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## thewall (Nov 15, 2011)

I was horrified when I read this post.


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## Volkodav (Nov 15, 2011)

Seas said:


> Or maybe you just don't understand this sort of relationship.
> Seeing as you already failed one, as you mentioned before.


I never failed one. I was never involved with the dude. We just really liked each other.
Then I found out he was poly and married. HAHHH. Fuck that shit.



Ad Hoc said:


> My partner is poly but very respectful of me (in that he does not pursue others, as he has not gotten my clear consent), and we trust each other a great deal.


Will you kindly explain to me why you don't find it comfortable?



MausC said:


> If you consider me standing there watching as they have sex 'behind my back' then that's about the only thing missing


Your partner should be able to enjoy only you sexually. Not have to resort to others


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## Spatel (Nov 15, 2011)

Clayton said:


> Your partner should be able to enjoy only you sexually. Not have to resort to others


Why do you consider that important? 


mike37 said:


> I was horrified when I read this post.


Sorry you're so sheltered I guess.


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## Volkodav (Nov 15, 2011)

Spatel said:


> Why do you consider that important?
> 
> Sorry you're so sheltered I guess.


Because your partner should be satisfied with you. If they aren't satisfied with you, they shouldn't be with you.


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## MausC (Nov 16, 2011)

Clayton said:


> Because your partner should be satisfied with you. If they aren't satisfied with you, they shouldn't be with you.



What if someone's fetish is sleeping with other people? How would they ever feel satisfied?

Anyway, dunno 'bout you, but I don't really like eating the same thing every day, even if it's my favorite. Nor can I eat a food too rich for my tastes every day.


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## Volkodav (Nov 16, 2011)

MausC said:


> What if someone's fetish is sleeping with other people? How would they ever feel satisfied?
> 
> Anyway, dunno 'bout you, but I don't really like eating the same thing every day, even if it's my favorite. Nor can I eat a food too rich for my tastes every day.


...what?
A fetish for sex?

That actually sounds extremely insulting to your partner. You're implying they're boring.


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## MausC (Nov 16, 2011)

Clayton said:


> ...what?
> A fetish for sex?
> 
> That actually sounds extremely insulting to your partner. You're implying they're boring.



I was attempting to use that as an example- haha. I couldn't think of a better analogy at the moment... You're an intellegent person though, I'm sure you understand what I am getting at, even if it's not something you agree with... Man, I would hate to argue religion or politics with you. 

On a side note, I have a fetish for sex and like to collect money.


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## Volkodav (Nov 16, 2011)

MausC said:


> I was attempting to use that as an example- haha. I couldn't think of a better analogy at the moment... You're an intellegent person though, I'm sure you understand what I am getting at, even if it's not something you agree with... Man, I would hate to argue religion or politics with you.
> 
> On a side note, I have a fetish for sex and like to collect money.



Become a prostitute


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## israfur (Nov 16, 2011)

.. Yeah, I'm definitely with Clay on this subject. A monogamous relationship may be "boring" to some people, but a polymory one sounds complicated and time consuming -not to mention the unnecessary hardships that'll come along the way.
A one on one just seems more logical as well.


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## Volkodav (Nov 16, 2011)

israfur said:


> .. Yeah, I'm definitely with Clay on this subject. A monogamous relationship may be "boring" to some people, but a polymory one sounds complicated and time consuming -not to mention the unnecessary hardships that'll come along the way.
> A one on one just seems more logical as well.



Not to mention, if you have any real doubt/concern/fear when your partner is bangin someone, polyamory isn't for you and deep down you're probably realizing theyre not satisfied with just you as a partner


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## Ricky (Nov 16, 2011)

Clayton said:


> That actually sounds extremely insulting to your partner. You're implying they're boring.



Not really, if you think about it... although superficially it may seem that way.

EVERYBODY wants to have sex with other people at some point, whether they admit it or not (even if it's just a thought).


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## Volkodav (Nov 16, 2011)

Ricky said:


> Not really, if you think about it... although superficially it may seem that way.
> 
> EVERYBODY wants to have sex with other people at some point, whether they admit it or not (even if it's just a thought).


You shouldn't want to have sex with other people while you are in a relationship.


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## Ricky (Nov 16, 2011)

Clayton said:


> You shouldn't want to have sex with other people while you are in a relationship.



That's what everyone says, but I'm sure every single person who is in a relationship and into sex has seen at least one other person and thought "DAMN, I wanna hit that."  People aren't very honest about their feelings.


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## Volkodav (Nov 16, 2011)

Ricky said:


> That's what everyone says, but I'm sure every single person who is in a relationship and into sex has seen at least one other person and thought "DAMN, I wanna hit that."  People aren't very honest about their feelings.


Oh there's absolutely no doubt in my mind that people in relationships have thought other people were sexually attractive, but have they thought "I want to set up a date to fuck that person in front of my bf/gf"? :S


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## Ricky (Nov 16, 2011)

Clayton said:


> Oh there's absolutely no doubt in my mind that people in relationships have thought other people were sexually attractive, but have they thought "I want to set up a date to fuck that person in front of my bf/gf"? :S



Well, that's kind of specific... Intentionally fucking someone in front of your significant other can be kind of awkward, especially if they aren't taking part.  It's usually easier to all fuck together or maybe setup a date when your significant other won't be around.

Of course, if your significant other doesn't know about it or isn't okay with it then that's just dishonest/wrong.


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## Volkodav (Nov 16, 2011)

Ricky said:


> Well, that's kind of specific... Intentionally fucking someone in front of your significant other can be kind of awkward, especially if they aren't taking part.  It's usually easier to all fuck together or maybe setup a date when your significant other won't be around.
> 
> Of course, if your significant other doesn't know about it or isn't okay with it then that's just dishonest/wrong.


But why wouldn't the person just be able to fuck their partner?
I know that people say "that dude is hot" but.. there's something missing in their relationship if they;re actually wanting to fuck another person


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## Ricky (Nov 16, 2011)

Clayton said:


> But why wouldn't the person just be able to fuck their partner?



They would.  Sex is just sex.  I don't think a relationship should be built on sex (though it should be a part) and if it is built on sex it will almost surely fail.

That's because there's always a point in a relationship where stuff starts to become more commonplace.  If the two are in love then love should overpower any feelings that might jeopardize the relationship.  Even if they see someone they find really attractive, they will hold the relationship above any of those feelings.

That's assuming it's a monogamous relationship.  In the same respect, it's possible to have sex outside a relationship and not jeopardize it if both people agree it's okay.  It can get tough though, because often with sex comes feelings.



Clayton said:


> I know that people say "that dude is hot" but.. there's something missing in their relationship if they;re actually wanting to fuck another person



I don't think there's necessarily something "missing" from the relationship.  You agreed people might still want to fuck other people outside a relationship.  If this is okay with both parties and it's just for sex, well that's just having fun.


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## israfur (Nov 16, 2011)

Although I am human being and have urges to sleep around sometimes, I have the balls and the willpower to keep myself on track. Face it, no one really _respects _sluts and swingers, they may enjoy them for that moment but there is no actual love.
When someone is in a polyamory relationship they're not in love. They just have crushes on 2 people and can't tell the difference between feelings and love.
I can't take a 3 way relationship seriously. =/ Never been in one and don't ever want to.



Not to mention, you can't get married legally like that if you're in the US.


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## Volkodav (Nov 16, 2011)

israfur said:


> Although I am human being and have urges to sleep around sometimes, I have the balls and the willpower to keep myself on track. Face it, no one really _respects _sluts and swingers, they may enjoy them for that moment but there is no actual love.
> When someone is in a polyamory relationship they're not in love. They just have crushes on 2 people and can't tell the difference between feelings and love.
> I can't take a 3 way relationship seriously. =/ Never been in one and don't ever want to.
> 
> ...



it all reminds me of multiple gradeschool boyfriends/girlfriends
kids that young dont understand relationships & commitments & when you apply that to adults/polys... it looks like really childish behaviour


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## Ricky (Nov 16, 2011)

israfur said:


> When someone is in a polyamory relationship they're not in love. They just have crushes on 2 people and can't tell the difference between feelings and love.



Can _you_?  What is your definition of love?  Does it have to be exclusive to only two people?

Do you love your parents?  If so, I hope that doesn't impede on any of your future relationships...


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## Volkodav (Nov 16, 2011)

Ricky said:


> Can _you_?  What is your definition of love?  Does it have to be between two people?
> 
> Do you love your parents?  If so, I hope that doesn't impede on any of your future relationships...



theres a diff love in parent + children and partner + partner
parent + child love is the same as pet + owner
you wouldnt apple partner + partner love to your kid or cat, its just too diff & prob illegal


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## Ricky (Nov 16, 2011)

Clayton said:


> theres a diff love in parent + children and partner + partner



Can you elaborate without bringing sex into the equation?

I don't think that would be easy to do.  Usually the only huge semantic difference here is sex.

Love is just a strong feeling of respect for the other person and maybe a desire to do anything for that person.

I don't think you can dismiss a polyamorous relationship as only a crush without more information.  Usually crushes are ephemeral and I know people who have been in a polyamourous relationship for a long-ass time.


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## Volkodav (Nov 16, 2011)

Ricky said:


> Can you elaborate without bringing sex into the equation?
> 
> I don't think that would be easy to do.  Usually the only huge semantic difference here is sex.
> 
> ...



I am not a parent, so I will give my opinions from the position of son.

I love my dad. I love him to death. I love my dad because he has always been a teacher or a mentor of sorts [whether he is a good one or not is up for debate], he is always willing to give advice on life and experiences to his kids and he is a great provider.
My dad is a symbol of control/authority. He is able to offer advice and teach me because I am his son. That's why I love him.

Why I would love a partner would be things like... how honest they are, if they're trustworthy, if they're good-looking [this shit dont matter in a parent], if they care about me, etc etc
That's what's different between loving a partner and loving a parent.


----------



## Ricky (Nov 16, 2011)

So there's not that much of a difference aside from sex, and if they are good looking (which is probably because of sex).

Love just means a really strong feeling like that toward someone.

Yeah, there are different types of love.  Love for parents is different from loving a partner and I have some friends I love but more as a brother.

There's an innate human instinct to be with another person and monogamy goes well with human nature.  Feelings like jealousy spawn when that's not the case.  Some people can get over this pretty easily, others not so much.  So, I don't think the answer is the same for everyone.


----------



## Volkodav (Nov 16, 2011)

Ricky said:


> So there's not that much of a difference aside from sex, and if they are good looking (which is probably because of sex).
> 
> Love just means a really strong feeling like that toward someone.
> 
> ...



No. One is a form of authority or guidance and the other isn't.


----------



## Seas (Nov 16, 2011)

Clayton said:


> I never failed one. I was never involved with the dude. We just really liked each other.
> Then I found out he was poly and married. HAHHH. Fuck that shit.



You were expecting a monoamorous relaionship but cancelled it when you found out he was polyamorous.
So you never was in a polyamorous relationship, which leads back my point that you are forming opinion on a subject you have no personal experience about.
It is perfectly fine if you don't want to take part in a polyamorous relationship, but you don't know the feelings of those involved in such better than them.

Don't try to look at a polyamorous relationship like a set of interconnected monoamourous ones, it doesn't work like that, and is certainly not for people who are committive and possessive like you seem to be; at least try to think outside of your strict perspective.



israfur said:


> When someone is in a polyamory relationship they're not in love.



No to sound rude, but this is simply wrong and ignorant. Also, read my reply to Clayton here.


----------



## Volkodav (Nov 16, 2011)

Seas said:


> You were expecting a monoamorous relaionship but cancelled it when you found out he was polyamorous.
> So you never was in a polyamorous relationship, which leads back my point that you are forming opinion on a subject you have no personal experience about.
> It is perfectly fine if you don't want to take part in a polyamorous relationship, but you don't know the feelings of those involved in such better than them.
> 
> ...



I never fucking said I was in a relationship with the dude. I stated I was NOT in a relationship with him. He lead me on.
Lead me on like he was equally interested in me, then he said "oops lol I'm poly and married"


----------



## SmeggyWulff (Nov 16, 2011)

Clayton: Why can't you have sex with women?

You were born gay, right? You would have a problem with someone trying to force you to be heterosexual, wouldn't you? It's often the same for a poly relationship. Not everyone can fit into the box that society has created for sexuality. We can't all be vanilla, or into sm, or love role play. If it's safe, sane, and consensual, who are you to condemn? 

It sounds like it didn't work for you because the person you wanted to be with was a douche bag. You don't hold that against every man, so why should you hold it against every poly?

Back to the OP.

I've been involved in several poly relationships. For me, it wasn't about sex. I had a few relationships where I was involved with both a man and a woman. I feel more fulfilled when I have both a man and a womn. In each of these instances there were things that one partner ffulfilled that the other didn't. For instance, in my last triad relationship my now husband didn't like to go out and be social. He was also rather dour and serious. I wound up meeting a fun loving girl that I could kick back and have social fun with. My husband gave me some tips on how to actually talk to women since I suck at it, I told the girl I was in a serious relationship and within a week I was in another three way relationship.

Everyone consented. Everyone knew what they were getting into. We all decided to give it a try. It didn't work. The woman turned out to be psychotic, as women often are (I'm allowed to say this, since I'm female) and the husband wound up realizing that he was jealous. 

I love my husband. Although I sometimes daydream about being in a triad relationship, I value him enough to never bring up the subject again. My husband just isn't the type of person who thrives in a poly relationship. That's perfectly fine. Like bisexuality, it's not for everyone.

As some posters have said, in order to be in a poly relationship all parties need to consent, trust each other, communicate well, and have not a trace of jealousy. It doesn't often work, as there is a much greater chance of failure when there are more parties involved. My first two poly relationships failed for the reasons any relationship fails: it just didn't work out. 

I know a couple who have been in a wonderful and loving triad relationship for 6 years now. It works for them. They all love each other very much. It might not be the traditional nuclear family, but anyone who sees them can plainly tell that they love each other. 

TL;DR: Poly isn't for everyone, but monogamy isn't either. If you can keep up the relationship through communication, lack of jealousy, and careful time management, then good for you. If this type of relationship isn't for you, respect that not everyone fits your concept of sexuality.


----------



## Volkodav (Nov 16, 2011)

SmeggyWulff said:


> Clayton: Why can't you have sex with women?
> 
> You were born gay, right?


I stopped reading here.
You're comparing homosexuality [not a choice] with the choice to fuck more than one person


----------



## SmeggyWulff (Nov 16, 2011)

For some people it's as much a choice as homosexuality is. They are honestly just as unhappy in a monogamous relationship as a homosexual would be in a heterosexual relationship. The only choice they make is the choice to deny themselves and be unhappy in order to make others happy.

I won't argue with you about it, though. I have as much of a chance of changing your mind as I have of convincing the Westboro Baptist Church that god doesn't actually hate fags.


----------



## Seas (Nov 16, 2011)

Clayton said:


> I never fucking said I was in a relationship with the dude. I stated I was NOT in a relationship with him. He lead me on.
> Lead me on like he was equally interested in me, then he said "oops lol I'm poly and married"



Look what I wrote. "You were expecting a monogamous relationship", that is what my point was related to.



			
				Clayton said:
			
		

> You're comparing homosexuality [not a choice] with the choice to fuck more than one person



Actually, polyamory can be traced back to genetics and instincts just like homosexuality.
Just read his comment in case you actually ignored what he wrote based on a small part of his comment.


----------



## Volkodav (Nov 16, 2011)

Seas said:


> Look what I wrote. "You were expecting a monogamous relationship", that is what my point was related to.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Of course I was, cause it would be common fucking decency for someone to tell another user "I'm poly" once they firs started to become interested.


----------



## Seas (Nov 16, 2011)

Clayton said:


> Of course I was, cause it would be common fucking decency for someone to tell another user "I'm poly" once they firs started to become interested.



Sure, but my point is not about that person's honesty or lack of it; I hope you understand what I was saying with that whole post (#71).


----------



## Arlo (Nov 16, 2011)

Clayton said:


> Oh there's absolutely no doubt in my mind that people in relationships have thought other people were sexually attractive, but have they thought "I want to set up a date to fuck that person in front of my bf/gf"? :S



This is what it comes down to.  As the old saying goes:  "I'm married, I'm not dead."  

Do people who are in committed relationships still find others attractive?  Uh...yeah, of course they do.  Most people in said committed relationships however have the maturity to not pursue those other people, out of respect for their partners' feelings and for the relationship they're in.


----------



## Xipoid (Nov 16, 2011)

israfur said:


> Although I am human being and have urges to sleep around sometimes, I have the balls and the willpower to keep myself on track. Face it, no one really _respects _sluts and swingers, they may enjoy them for that moment but there is no actual love.
> *When someone is in a polyamory relationship they're not in love. They just have crushes on 2 people and can't tell the difference between feelings and love.*
> I can't take a 3 way relationship seriously. =/ Never been in one and don't ever want to.



That's an incredibly obtuse way to look at it. The problem is that you're telling me what a person is thinking, which is impossible. You don't know what is going through their mind. You can either guess or just fill-in from your own experiences. You're prescribing that love must and can only be between two people at a time. What about love makes it that exclusive? Evolved practices? Social etiquette? Let's say I take an imaginary person, person A. This person is happily married to and loves person B. Person B dies, and a few years later person A ends up falling in love with person C, and they get married. Now let's rewind a bit. Instead of person B dying, let's keep them alive and now introduce person A to person C.

What you are saying is that two people who would fall in love--if given the chance--now inherently cannot be in love because one of the two is already in love. Person A cannot be in love with person B and C at the same time. Whatever person A feels for person C at this point is not love, but just feelings or a crush.


What I don't understand (or I will say I don't understand) is where there is this idea that a person can only love one person at a time. They have no capacity to love beyond that. That doesn't make sense to me when you have things like Serial Monogamy. It comes down to arbitrarily restricting and defining love as something "exclusively unique" that cannot exist in multiple instances simultaneously for any one entity, even if said entity is clearly capable of possessing love for numerous other entities. I am not talking about the type of love shared by that of a parent and child (platonic, let's say).





israfur said:


> Not to mention, you can't get married legally like that if you're in the US.



I'm not really sure what you are trying to say. I could easily make the point that a majority of states' constitutions ban same-sex marriages, but what does that say about same-sex marriage or even homosexuality?


----------



## Volkodav (Nov 16, 2011)

Arlo said:


> This is what it comes down to.  As the old saying goes:  "I'm married, I'm not dead."
> 
> Do people who are in committed relationships still find others attractive?  Uh...yeah, of course they do.  Most people in said committed relationships however have the maturity to not pursue those other people, out of respect for their partners' feelings and for the relationship they're in.



Not once did I say people in committed relationships didn't find other people attractive. I actually said the exact opposite.
It's just that most people who are in committed relationships don't have the kindergarten mentality of "today you're my boyfriend, tomorrow he is!"


----------



## Arlo (Nov 16, 2011)

Clayton said:


> Not once did I say people in committed relationships didn't find other people attractive. I actually said the exact opposite.
> It's just that most people who are in committed relationships don't have the kindergarten mentality of "today you're my boyfriend, tomorrow he is!"



ah, Clayton _actually_ I was agreeing with your post..... the quote from the other poster you were replying to wasn't included, so sorry for any unintended confusion.


----------



## Ricky (Nov 16, 2011)

Clayton said:


> No. One is a form of authority or guidance and the other isn't.


 
I was talking about LOVE, not ROLES.

Some people's parents are complete fuck-ups and the kid ends up taking care of *them.*  That changes the role but it doesn't mean they can't love their parents.

If you don't agree on my definition of love here (although rather vague, I know) go ahead and present your own.



Clayton said:


> Not once did I say people in committed relationships didn't find other people attractive. I actually said the exact opposite.
> It's just that most people who are in committed relationships don't have the kindergarten mentality of "today you're my boyfriend, tomorrow he is!"



That's not how polyamorous relationships work.

Actually, that wouldn't even be a polyamorous relationship.  Just a regular relationship that doesn't last very long.

And yeah, people in high school are usually indecisive about that shit.  Not because they are ploy but because of lack of experience / knowing what they want (or there are also some people who can't seem to stick to a committed relationship, at all).


----------



## RayO_ElGatubelo (Nov 16, 2011)

Seriously, Clayton. If I need variety in my sex life, why should I have to deny myself the pleasure of having more than one partner?


----------



## Otto042 (Nov 16, 2011)

Fiesta_Jack said:


> Statistically, most relationships don't end well.



"Statistically, most (American) relationships don't end well."

fixed


----------



## Ricky (Nov 16, 2011)

Otto042 said:


> "Statistically, most (American) relationships don't end well."
> 
> fixed



...huh?


----------



## Volkodav (Nov 16, 2011)

Ricky said:


> That's not how polyamorous relationships work.
> 
> Actually, that wouldn't even be a polyamorous relationship.  Just a regular relationship that doesn't last very long.
> 
> And yeah, people in high school are usually indecisive about that shit.  Not because they are ploy but because of lack of experience / knowing what they want (or there are also some people who can't seem to stick to a committed relationship, at all).



You're not understanding my example. I'm referring to children who have multiple "boyfriends" in gradeschool.


----------



## israfur (Nov 16, 2011)

Ricky said:


> Can _you_?  What is your definition of love?  Does it have to be exclusive to only two people?
> 
> Do you love your parents?  If so, I hope that doesn't impede on any of your future relationships...



I believe that a person can only be in love with one other person. Not everyone has to agree with me, just a personal belief.
If an individual finds themselves "in love" with more than one person, chances are that they are confused and just have crushes here and there no matter how big the feelings are.
(I love my mom but I'm not in love with her, lmao it's more of a respect and familial adoration thing.)



Seas said:


> No to sound rude, but this is simply wrong and ignorant. Also, read my reply to Clayton here.


I can't help but see it as 3 confused people in a pile who all have crushes on each other. =/
I've tried to look at it from different sorts of levels and it just isn't working for me simply put. If I'm ignorant, would you care to enlighten me? Clearly I'm missing something.



Xipoid said:


> That's an incredibly obtuse way to look at it. The problem is that you're telling me what a person is thinking, which is impossible. You don't know what is going through their mind. You can either guess or just fill-in from your own experiences. You're prescribing that love must and can only be between two people at a time. What about love makes it that exclusive? Evolved practices? Social etiquette? Let's say I take an imaginary person, person A. This person is happily married to and loves person B. Person B dies, and a few years later person A ends up falling in love with person C, and they get married. Now let's rewind a bit. Instead of person B dying, let's keep them alive and now introduce person A to person C.
> 
> What you are saying is that two people who would fall in love--if given the chance--now inherently cannot be in love because one of the two is already in love. Person A cannot be in love with person B and C at the same time. Whatever person A feels for person C at this point is not love, but just feelings or a crush.
> 
> ...



I guess I speak from personal experience. I have fallen in love once before many years ago, and despite all those who came and went they where all crushes compared to how I felt for that one person. I just can't wrap my mind around how someone can fall in love for more than one person. =/ If this makes me sound mean than I guess I'm just one big o' meanie. *shrug*
If there's something I seem to be missing, please enlighten me?





Xipoid said:


> I'm not really sure what you are trying to say. I could easily make the point that a majority of states' constitutions ban same-sex marriages, but what does that say about same-sex marriage or even homosexuality?


I was emphasizing how a polyamory relationship wouldn't work out in the long run for a few reasons, and the country's laws are simply one of them. Not that I really agree with it, if multiple people want to get married then let them. More money for the divorce lawyers I say haha.
If people in the thread start bringing up homosexuality I can already foresee a thread derailment. d:


----------



## Xipoid (Nov 16, 2011)

israfur said:


> I guess I speak from personal experience. I have fallen in love once before many years ago, and despite all those who came and went they where all crushes compared to how I felt for that one person. I just can't wrap my mind around how someone can fall in love for more than one person. =/ If this makes me sound mean than I guess I'm just one big o' meanie. *shrug*
> If there's something I seem to be missing, please enlighten me?



You aren't missing anything. I would guess that you just aren't one for polyamory, which is totally fine. People are different, and that is my point. 





israfur said:


> I was emphasizing how a polyamory relationship wouldn't work out in the long run for a few reasons, and the country's laws are simply one of them. Not that I really agree with it, if multiple people want to get married then let them. More money for the divorce lawyers I say haha.
> If people in the thread start bringing up homosexuality I can already foresee a thread derailment. d:



Well, that's polygamy. Polyamory doesn't really involve marriage going purely off definition. I only mentioned same-sex marriage to make the point that The Law isn't necessarily right or the final judge of morality/ethics. I won't argue with you though. I foresee many problems (at least from a legal perspective) with polygamy. I imagine it must be hell for the court should complex divorces start popping up.


----------



## israfur (Nov 16, 2011)

Xipoid said:


> I imagine it must be hell for the court should complex divorces start popping up.


Oh jeez definitely, I've considering going to collage to (possibly) be an attorney and that would all just make my head explode. @.@


----------



## Ricky (Nov 16, 2011)

israfur said:


> I believe that a person can only be in love with one other person. Not everyone has to agree with me, just a personal belief.
> If an individual finds themselves "in love" with more than one person, chances are that they are confused and just have crushes here and there no matter how big the feelings are.



If it's "just a personal belief" you are sure doing a good job projecting it on everyone else ;P

It's fine though.  I used to say the same thing myself. The idea of two people falling in love and having a monogamous relationship is very ingrained in media and society.  It's the basis for almost every movie.  Kids are taught from day one that a boy meets a girl, falls in love and gets married. So, it's not unreasonable people would think the way you do (or I did).

The fact of the matter is you aren't everybody.  There are people out there who will only be happy in a monogamous relationship and there are people who will NEVER be happy in a closed relationship as well. Also, you're only 21 so I'm not sure you even know what you want yet 

As far as your distinction between a crush and "true love" keep in mind almost all relationships fail at some point.  I think the only difference between the two is the amount of time.  I don't think there is one person everyone is magically destined to meet; there are a lot of people out there and strong relationships tend to develop over time.

So yeah...  There really isn't a good distinction, is there?

Love is such a vague concept, which is what I was getting at.  It means something different for each person and there are different types of love, too.  For example, I love my boyfriend a lot and I'm not going to feel that kind of love for someone else.  Even if I mess around a bit and I have a crush on someone it's just not the same.  And yes, love for family is different but it's still love.  The concept is vague.

That said, I'm not really polyamorous or anything.  I don't want to date two people but I don't see sex as such a showstopper people normally do.  If he wants to mess around, or I want to mess around with someone neither of us really have a problem with that (though it rarely happens, anyway).


----------



## Sai_Wolf (Nov 16, 2011)

Ricky said:


> That said, I'm not really polyamorous or anything.  I don't want to date two people but I don't see sex as such a showstopper people normally do.  If he wants to mess around, or I want to mess around with someone neither of us really have a problem with that (though it rarely happens, anyway).



I've seen people in this thread tout that "It takes BALLS to stay true to your partner." Well, I think it takes even more courage to do the above. To be secure so much in your relationship that neither of you has any real issue with messing around. To me, that's more of a healthy sign of a relationship.

Monogamy isn't for me. To the people who also tout "Well, Every poly relationship I've seen falls apart!" I can subsequently respond with. "Pretty much every monogamous relationship I've seen falls apart eventually." The street goes both ways there.

Relationships, mono or poly, take confidence and communication and *trust*. If you don't have those, then don't even bother.


----------



## israfur (Nov 16, 2011)

Ricky said:


> If it's "just a personal belief" you are sure doing a good job projecting it on everyone else ;P


Freedom is speech is wonderful so long as you're not forcing everyone to agree with you, read my past posts.
I posted my opinions here because I had strong reaction to the thread. *Shrug.* As for the rest of your post.. I had something to say regarding the difference between love and crush but then I read the end. I can't really think of anything but my ex now.
How old are you btw -if you don't mind me asking?


----------



## Ricky (Nov 16, 2011)

israfur said:


> Freedom is speech is wonderful so long as you're not forcing everyone to agree with you, read my past posts.
> I posted my opinions here because I had strong reaction to the thread. *Shrug.* As for the rest of your post.. I had something to say regarding the difference between love and crush but then I read the end. I can't really think of anything but my ex now.
> How old are you btw -if you don't mind me asking?



30


----------



## jcfynx (Nov 16, 2011)

Clayton said:


> No. Do not do it.
> 
> I once really, really liked a guy and then one day he told me he was MARRIED and polyamorous!
> You have no idea how badly i wanted to rip his fucking face off.
> Polyamorous people are unhappy, disgusting, and slutty. If you can't be happy loviing just one person, don't get involved with anybody at all



Does that mean you want to rip your own face off every time you hit on me when you know I have a boyfriend? :'(

I hope not because I like your face where it is.


----------



## Volkodav (Nov 16, 2011)

jcfynx said:


> Does that mean you want to rip your own face off every time you hit on me when you know I have a boyfriend? :'(
> 
> I hope not because I like your face where it is.



you have a bf?
& i dont hit on you :T butnowimgoingto


----------



## jcfynx (Nov 16, 2011)

Clayton said:


> you have a bf?
> & i dont hit on you :T butnowimgoingto



Then quit asking for pics of my dick.


----------



## MausC (Nov 16, 2011)

Clayton said:


> butnowimgoingto


----------



## Rotsala (Nov 16, 2011)

israfur said:


> I believe that a person can only be in love with one other person. Not everyone has to agree with me, just a personal belief.
> If an individual finds themselves "in love" with more than one person, chances are that they are confused and just have crushes here and there no matter how big the feelings are.



I think it's silly to say that a human mind is only capable of feeling "true" love for one person at once. We tend to romanticize love as being exactly how we want it to be, when in actuality what we consider love is incredibly nebulous and personal. 

As much as I, like you, don't want to incite the shitstorm of comparing this to homosexuality, I can't help but take "you don't really love those two people, they're just crushes, love is supposed to be between two people don't you know" the same way I would take "you don't really love that man, it's just a phase, love is supposed to be between a man and a woman". 

If you're suggesting that someone in love with more than one person is confused, of course they're confused. Love doesn't make any fucking sense half of the time, and the other half is hormones and testosterone. So if someone winds up feeling love for multiple people in a society that's just waiting to crack a Mormon joke, they would have to be insane not to be confused. But just because it's confusing doesn't mean there's nothing to it and you can just write it off as just a crush, especially if you're not polyamorous yourself, otherwise you end up looking like the straight guy that doesn't think gays are real because he's personally never felt attracted to a dude.


----------



## Volkodav (Nov 16, 2011)

jcfynx said:


> Then quit asking for pics of my dick.


I don;t :I


surprisingly



MausC said:


>



hey, im clay


----------



## jcfynx (Nov 16, 2011)

Clayton said:


> I don;t :I
> 
> 
> surprisingly



"Beatin' ain't cheatin'," isn't that what you always say?

Boy, you and your silly games.


----------



## israfur (Nov 16, 2011)

Rotsala said:


> I think it's silly to say that a human mind is only capable of feeling "true" love for one person at once. We tend to romanticize love as being exactly how we want it to be, when in actuality what we consider love is incredibly nebulous and personal.
> 
> As much as I, like you, don't want to incite the shitstorm of comparing this to homosexuality, I can't help but take "you don't really love those two people, they're just crushes, love is supposed to be between two people don't you know" the same way I would take "you don't really love that man, it's just a phase, love is supposed to be between a man and a woman".
> 
> If you're suggesting that someone in love with more than one person is confused, of course they're confused. Love doesn't make any fucking sense half of the time, and the other half is hormones and testosterone. So if someone winds up feeling love for multiple people in a society that's just waiting to crack a Mormon joke, they would have to be insane not to be confused. But just because it's confusing doesn't mean there's nothing to it and you can just write it off as just a crush, especially if you're not polyamorous yourself, otherwise you end up looking like the straight guy that doesn't think gays are real because he's personally never felt attracted to a dude.



See above posts *yawn*


----------



## Volkodav (Nov 16, 2011)

jcfynx said:


> "Beatin' ain't cheatin'," isn't that what you always say?
> 
> Boy, you and your silly games.



HAHAH, WHAT!!
im going to tweet that shit

EDIT: I did
i tweeted that
https://twitter.com/#!/Clayyola/statuses/136980134925303808


----------



## Rotsala (Nov 16, 2011)

Sorry I was under the impression people cared about my opinion 

I promise not to do it again


----------



## SmeggyWulff (Nov 16, 2011)

Rotsala said:


> Sorry I was under the impression people cared about my opinion
> 
> I promise not to do it again



It's the internet. No one cares about anyone's opinion if it makes sense and is posed logically.


----------



## Tycho (Nov 16, 2011)

so is "smeggy" some sort of improvised adjective to denote the presence of smegma or what


----------



## Evan of Phrygia (Nov 16, 2011)

this entire thread after page 2 made me headdesksmash


----------



## SmeggyWulff (Nov 16, 2011)

Tycho said:


> so is "smeggy" some sort of improvised adjective to denote the presence of smegma or what



Nope. Red Dwarf. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smeg_(vulgarism)


----------



## Spatel (Nov 17, 2011)

Clayton said:


> Of course I was, cause it would be common fucking decency for someone to tell another user "I'm poly" once they firs started to become interested.



You said earlier in the thread that anyone that felt the need to have a polyamorous relationship shouldn't be seeing anyone at all. Now it seems you're fine if poly-people date each other, so I guess you've evolved very slightly. 

Congratulations.


----------



## Volkodav (Nov 17, 2011)

Spatel said:


> You said earlier in the thread that anyone that felt the need to have a polyamorous relationship shouldn't be seeing anyone at all. Now it seems you're fine if poly-people date each other, so I guess you've evolved very slightly.
> 
> Congratulations.


I never said that, don't put words in my mouth.
What I meant was if someone starts getting interested in you and you show itnerest back, you should say "I'm poly", that way if you're like me you can tell them to FUCK RIGHT OFF AND NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN


----------



## Ricky (Nov 17, 2011)

Clayton said:


> I never said that, don't put words in my mouth.
> What I meant was if someone starts getting interested in you and you show itnerest back, you should say "I'm poly", that way if you're like me you can tell them to FUCK RIGHT OFF AND NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN



Maybe that's why they didn't mention it? 

Seriously, though...  "I'm married" seems like a pretty fucking important thing to tell someone.

I have friends who do the same shit though...


----------



## Volkodav (Nov 17, 2011)

Ricky said:


> Maybe that's why they didn't mention it?
> 
> Seriously, though...  "I'm married" seems like a pretty fucking important thing to tell someone.
> 
> I have friends who do the same shit though...



they should of. You dont fuckign show interest in someone who is showing interest in you, while you're married and poly.
Not everybody likes open relationships. I am one fo those people.


----------



## Spatel (Nov 18, 2011)

Clayton said:


> Spatel said:
> 
> 
> > You said earlier in the thread that anyone that  felt the need to have a polyamorous relationship shouldn't be seeing  anyone at all. Now it seems you're fine if poly-people date each other,  so I guess you've evolved very slightly.
> ...


I don't need to. I can just quote posts you made earlier.


Clayton said:


> Polyamorous people are unhappy, disgusting, and  slutty. If you can't be happy loviing just one person, don't get  involved with anybody at all


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## Volkodav (Nov 18, 2011)

Spatel said:


> I don't need to. I can just quote posts you made earlier.


"Now it seems you're fine if poly-people date each other, so I guess you've evolved very slightly. "

Was referring to that


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## Seas (Nov 18, 2011)

israfur said:


> I can't help but see it as 3 confused people in a pile who all have crushes on each other. =/
> I've tried to look at it from different sorts of levels and it just isn't working for me simply put. If I'm ignorant, would you care to enlighten me? Clearly I'm missing something.



I don't think you put much thought into it beyond projecting your own lack of understanding onto the people you are forming an opinion about. 
This results in a confrontation that either: multiple people are delusional about their relationship despite their thoughts, emotions, and interaction between eachother, or, you are wrong about a subject you have limited knowledge of.
I think you can see which one is more logical.


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## Heimdal (Nov 18, 2011)

Polyamorous relationships sound fun. Threesomes with a couple girls, and when I start to get bored of that, I could make them fight for my love! :V

Polyamory sounds like a great idea that doesn't work very well in reality. Love is never a problem, it's the people that are the problem. Monogamous relationships have a pretty high failure rate; you throw in the complications of an additional person, and it's going to be much much worse. On top of that, of the people you can find who are willing for polyamorous relationships, I bet a good portion of them only want it because their brains are immature as fuck. It can potentially succeed, but good luck with it.


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## ramsay_baggins (Nov 18, 2011)

SmeggyWulff said:


> Nope. Red Dwarf. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smeg_(vulgarism)



Smeg in Red Dwarf is a reference to smegma, it was the only word they thought of that they thought would get through the filters yet still be a swear/inappropriate.

You may want to re-evaluate that name... If you don't know what smegma is (NSFW)


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## SmeggyWulff (Nov 18, 2011)

Grant and Naylor deny its connection to smegma, though that has often been cited as the inspiration. Everyone involved in Red Dwarf seems to get very irritated when asked, though.


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## israfur (Nov 18, 2011)

Seas said:


> I don't think you put much thought into it beyond projecting your own lack of understanding onto the people you are forming an opinion about.
> This results in a confrontation that either: multiple people are delusional about their relationship despite their thoughts, emotions, and interaction between eachother, or, you are wrong about a subject you have limited knowledge of.
> I think you can see which one is more logical.


Yyyyyyyep. There are obviously delusional people amongst us.


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## Seas (Nov 21, 2011)

israfur said:


> Yyyyyyyep. There are obviously delusional people amongst us.



And people with opinions without knowledge to back them up.


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## israfur (Nov 21, 2011)

israfur said:


> If there's something I seem to be missing, please enlighten me?





Xipoid said:


> *You aren't missing anything*. I would guess that you just aren't one for polyamory, which is totally fine.


A certain someone would beg to differ. Seas, you are so not fooling anyone. >.>I don't know what part of this thread you got confused from, so I'll put it in a nutshell; If someone wants to be in a polyamory relationship then let them, the end results are always hilarious. I believe that an individual can have multiple crushes on someone, but as soon as that someone tries to convince me that they're "in love" with more than one person, _I call bullshit. _Polygamous marriages? Don't get me fuckin started.If you need a recap to jog your memory feel free to read all my posts here, I got nuthin to hide. If you're trying to tell me I'm wrong you're doing a miserable job there buddy.





Seas said:


> And people with opinions without knowledge to back them up.


..I'm getting the impression that the only reason you're posting here now is to stir the pot.


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## Fiesta_Jack (Nov 21, 2011)

israfur said:


> A certain someone would beg to differ. Seas, you are so not fooling anyone. >.>I don't know what part of this thread you got confused from, so I'll put it in a nutshell; If someone wants to be in a polyamory relationship then let them, the end results are always hilarious. I believe that an individual can have multiple crushes on someone, but as soon as that someone tries to convince me that they're "in love" with more than one person, _I call bullshit. _Polygamous marriages? Don't get me fuckin started.If you need a recap to jog your memory feel free to read all my posts here, I got nuthin to hide. If you're trying to tell me I'm wrong you're doing a miserable job there buddy...I'm getting the impression that the only reason you're posting here now is to stir the pot.



So you believe once a relationship has ended, you cannot love a new person until you've stopped loving the old? I'm still quite in love with my ex fiance, and I feel like I probably always will be, but nothing stopped me from forming (reasonably) successful, loving relationships with new people after our breakup. Perhaps it's a matter of semantics? Love is kind of hard to define. I'm not sure where you'd draw the line between "love" and "huge crush", but I'm fairly certain I've been in love with more than one person at the same time. I'm sure I can't be the only one who has, either.


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## Xipoid (Nov 21, 2011)

israfur said:


> A certain someone would beg to differ. Seas, you are so not fooling anyone. >.>I don't know what part of this thread you got confused from, so I'll put it in a nutshell; If someone wants to be in a polyamory relationship then let them, the end results are always hilarious. I believe that an individual can have multiple crushes on someone, but as soon as that someone tries to convince me that they're "in love" with more than one person, _I call bullshit. _Polygamous marriages? Don't get me fuckin started.If you need a recap to jog your memory feel free to read all my posts here, I got nuthin to hide. If you're trying to tell me I'm wrong you're doing a miserable job there buddy...I'm getting the impression that the only reason you're posting here now is to stir the pot.



I redact my statement, as I clearly made it in haste.


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## mammalfingers (Nov 25, 2011)

Wow, lots of people dissing polyamory here. Speaking from personal experience: Polyamory *can* work, and it can be completely wonderful.  When I hear a partner talk about a date they went on and how fun it was, I actually feel happy that they had a good time.

Polyamory has higher requirements than monogamy, though.  It only works when people have the ability to talk directly about their feelings, are honest, and can understand the needs of others as well as their own needs.  Then again, these are traits that I want in my partners anyway.

Here are some other lessons I've learned:
-- Jealousy is just a sign of feeling insecure about your relationship, and isn't the worst thing in the world.  You can work through it.
-- Don't drag monogamous people in, and don't try to convert anybody.
-- Don't take on more partners than you have time for.  Remember that polyamory requires lots of time for talking.
-- If you have agreements with partners (e.g. please always tell me if you're sleeping over at someone else's house), *don't break them*.
-- At the same time, if you're feeling scared or jealous, don't focus on little slights and pretend they're important.  Admit that you're scared.
-- Three-way relationships are tricky because there's often one person who's less into it than the others.  Be patient and don't try to pressure them to get more involved than they want to.
-- Safe sex: it's not just about you, it's about the safety of your partners too.

And here are two books I recommend:

*The Ethical Slut*
an opinionated guide to polyamory, with a really good section on handling jealousy.  This book is more focused on sex than I would like, but it's very worth reading.
http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1322243984&sr=1-1

*Opening Up*
kind of an overview of different styles of polyamory, open relationships, swinging, etc, with interviews from people talking about what works and what doesn't work for them
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Cr...=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1322243984&sr=1-4


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## Fiesta_Jack (Nov 25, 2011)

Thanks very much for this post. Quite helpful, and I'm still looking into things, but I'm feeling more assured that it's possible.


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## Slyck (Dec 1, 2011)

Grae Sparrowkin said:


> There is actually a higher rate of failure in polyamorous relationships,* but that could be because there are more people involved.*


good god man you made came to that conclusion all by yourself?


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