# Character critique please?



## Gavrill (Nov 17, 2008)

I need some character critique. My story can be a written soup of Mary Sues if I'm not careful.

Main character:
Emily "Fang" Archer, 19 years old, still lives at home with her mom and dad. She's mildly attractive with dyed auburn hair (usually pulled back into a ponytail) and green eyes. She has a slight tan from living in south Florida for so long. She usually wears jeans, t-shirts and leather jackets. She's also unusually tall at 5'11".

Her personality is immature and blunt. She's smart, but rarely conveys it in her actions. She has a lot of street-smarts and book-smarts, but her common sense is lacking severely. She gets angered easily but is usually mellow and spaced-out. Her biggest love is her motorcycle. She protects it like a child.

Next up; secondary.
Molly Fisher is an androgynous female werewolf with short black hair and gray eyes. She's of average height, 5'7". She wears plain, unflattering clothes that she gets from thrift shops. She is unattractive to most, especially because her lack of bathing drives people away. Her hair also usually goes uncombed.

Personality-wise, she tries to appear as uninteresting as possible. She's smart, especially when it comes to street-smarts, but absolutely cannot stand most technology, despite her owning an iPod and laptop. She's quiet, unobtrusive, and often appears to be sad or at least "blank". She often spaces out, and sometimes misses the bus or is forgetful because of it.

Lastly, the tertiary character.
Andrew O'Brein is an attractive, young-looking vampire. He has white-blond hair, blue eyes, fair skin, and an amazing smile. He wears whatever is convenient, seeing as the girls who swoon over him don't seem to care. He wears only name brands though. He's also surprisingly short, at 5'9". He's also very muscular.

Andrew is playful, immature, and flirty. However, he's also compassionate, friendly, and can be good at giving advice. He's Molly's only friend and has been ever since they met in the Victorian age. He still speaks in an Irish accent and drinks religiously. When it comes down to it though, he's very loyal.


Thanks for reading all that. I'm hoping these guys won't end up Sue-ified.


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## Emil (Nov 17, 2008)

I dont really know much about this stuff myself, but this link here 

http://www.springhole.net/quizzes/marysue.htm

should at least give you a vague idea of how mary sue like they are ^^ Hope it helps some


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## Gavrill (Nov 17, 2008)

Thanks, but I was hoping to break it down a bit more.

But still, that's a really awesome link.


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## Gavrill (Nov 17, 2008)

Thought I'd mention. Fang is a -4, Molly is a 0, and Andrew is a -1.


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## Roland (Nov 17, 2008)

Are those waist-sizes? 

The characters themselves seem fairly normal.  I'd be more interested to see how they all interact with people through story-telling.  It's a little hard to judge how a character will act without some sort of example. The features of some characters are better portrayed in certain scenarios. 

At least they're not "omg-perfect," but I personally believe it's the writing that makes a character good, not their character description.


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## Gavrill (Nov 17, 2008)

I agree Roland. It's just that I worry as soon as I add a vamp or were it turns into something generic.


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## Roland (Nov 17, 2008)

Shenzi said:


> I agree Roland. It's just that I worry as soon as I add a vamp or were it turns into something generic.



I admit, your character that is a vampire raised my eye brow a bit, but I won't judge him until I actually see him "in action," so to speak.


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## Gavrill (Nov 17, 2008)

Yeah. I hope his insanity and drinking problem balance out his attractiveness.


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## Roland (Nov 17, 2008)

Shenzi said:


> Yeah. I hope his insanity and drinking problem balance out his attractiveness.



Which makes me wonder; Are vampires affected by alcohol the same way as humans??


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## Gavrill (Nov 17, 2008)

I would think so considering it affects the blood.

Plus my weres and vamps are more human than anything else. A bullet to the head could take em out.


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## Wing_Lioness202 (Nov 17, 2008)

Main character: Physical description is good,sis. Be careful with the personality. Easily anger and mellow mood can contradict each other quickly if you don't have something to explain it, like a bipolar disorder or something that has traumatically bothered her for a long time.

Secondary character: Again, good description in describing the personal habits and appearance. Name may not fit the character so well unless she uses it as some alias. Remember that audiences identify personalities associated with names as well as personal appearance. Also, add some more interesting details about her. You want to avoid accidentally creating a static character. Maybe turning into something fuzzy has some perks,aside from the bad hair day. Also, how is she associated with the main character?

Tertiary character: Awesome. You're adding a great,rounded character to set beside the main one. (Should be secondary character maybe?) You could turn this character any way you want with his flighty attitude. Regular habits of his should portray how much of a flirt and jester he is. 

But altogether, stunning job,sis. ^_^ Our smart story-writer of the family. Keep up the great work!


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## M. LeRenard (Nov 18, 2008)

You know... character descriptions do nothing for me.  If you write him well enough, you can make John Doe the office worker a very interesting person.  Character traits themselves aren't interesting; it's how the character interacts based on those traits that you'll want to concentrate on.
So asking for a character critique is really just asking for a writing critique.  It's good that you have these short descriptions: that's your guideline.  But you've got to know they're going to be more complicated than that.  So how interesting and alive they seem is going to depend solely on your writing.  Vous comprenez?


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## Gavrill (Nov 18, 2008)

I'm penning it up as we speak. You guys can get a better look at my characters in action then. 

I'll post the first chapter when I finish the rough draft.


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