# Describing characters



## TakeWalker (Dec 21, 2007)

Okay, kiddies, it's writing workshop time. This has been a pet peeve of mine for ages, and if I can convince even one person to stop doing this, I'd be thrilled.

To begin, let's take a look at how to open a story. A good opening line should leave the reader asking questions: what's going on, who are these people, what did he mean by that? If the reader is asking questions, they're likely to continue reading, to try and find the answers. The phrase to remember is _in medias res_, Latin for "in the middle of things." Start with an action sequence, or in the middle of a conversation. "Once upon a time" doesn't work outside the realm of fairytales.

So, let's take a look at a good starting line.



> The vixen's breath came as long, broken sobs, her feet numb as she continued to run into the forest, becoming more and more lost with each tree she passed.


Ignoring my imagery for a moment, let's take a look at what's going on here.

I've established a focus, who may or may not be a main character. We can tell she's a vixen -- it's assumed then that this is a furry universe -- and that she's running scared. She's been running for a while, she's in a forest, and she has no idea where she is. Doesn't sound like a very good situation, hmm? Don't you maybe want to know why she's running?

Now comes the part where we start talking about the topic. All too often, I'll see a nice action-packed opener like this followed up with a few lines like the following:



> She was 6' tall and had long, black hair. She was wearing a torn black silk nightgown and no shoes. There was a bracelet on her left wrist and a locket on a gold chain around her neck. It held a picture of her husband and daughter.


HOLD. THE. PHONE.

I don't know about anyone else, but I was just having a good time getting into the mindset of 'what is the deal with this chick?' when all of a sudden, I've been wrenched from running alongside her to give her a once-over! This is what irritates me, this is what so many authors don't understand how to accomplish well: describing characters.

Our hypothetical amateur writer is in this case attempting to give us some more information. To be honest, there's a lot going on here. We're told she has a family. If she's wearing silk, she's not obviously poor, and if she's wearing a nightgown and no shoes, she's probably been chased out of bed. Furthermore, the torn status of the dress adds to the sense that she's been running a while, doesn't know where she's going, and has been having a tough time of it.

_There are better ways to impart this information on the reader._

Aside from what we know, let's take a look at what we don't know. First, her height and hair color. Is this important if she's just running along? No! It isn't important at all! If you really want your reader to know this information, then you have to work it into the story in such a way that it becomes relative to something else.

Think of the reader's view on your story as that of a camera. The camera, if focused on the way this woman is running, is not going to suddenly pan out and throw up a ruler on the screen so we can measure her stature. How to include this in the story? Let's say our hapless heroine has inevitably tripped over a root and sprained her ankle (see, here I'm just telling you things, which is a poor writing practice, but that's for another rant), allowing her pursuer to catch up.



> Though he stood an entire head short of her lithe six-foot frame, he was no less intimidating.


Here, we get a sense, not only of her height relative to someone else's ("an entire head short") instead of a bland number. Her height is fairly unusual, and in the above, we mention it in such a way that we convey a feeling of helplessness. Normally, someone being shorter than someone else would put them at a disadvantage; in this case, it isn't, and our vixen's terror at the sight of her diminutive assailant demonstrates that he's got more to fear than size.

The hair I'll get to later; instead, let's talk about the bracelet. This is where I urge every writer to ask themselves: "Is this important?" There's something to be said for small details making a character; there's something else to be said for small details needlessly mucking up a tense scene. Unless the bracelet is the source of some mystical power -- or anything, for that matter -- that's going to save her from her shrimpy stalker, it's absolutely unimportant to mention. In this scene, I'm chalking it up to plain jewelry and moving on.

The same goes for the locket. Is it important that we know about it beforehand? Is it important that we mention her family? In this case, I'm going to say it is important we mention her family, but not so early on in the scene. Let's see how to integrate this into the story:



> He struck her a hard blow to the head, laughing mercilessly, his fetid breath streaming over her face. With one hand, he grabbed the locket around her neck, the family portrait she always wore, and tugged, breaking the gold chain and tossing the pendant into the night.
> 
> "Ya won't be needin' that no more," he huffed.


Here we see the locket, gold chain included; we see that it contains a picture of her family, and in this case, it's not really necessary to specify whom. We learn that she always wears it; information like this isn't always useful, but in this case, it tells the reader that her family means a lot to her, since she keeps a reminder of them with her at all times. The attacker hints that her family may, in fact, be dead -- now we know why she's running! Furthermore, the little bit about him winging it into the woods suggests that he's not in this, whatever it is, for money. If he was, well, gold chain! Remove the locket and you've got something to pawn! Just a few words can impart a great deal about a character, especially when we've only just met them. And I think it's useful to note here that I'm making all of this up on the fly, I don't exactly have a plan for these folks.

Next we have the nightgown. Now, this _is_ important, along with her bare feet, for the reasons mentioned previously. What's more, it's important to note that it's been torn, and what better way to give oneself a reason to mention that than to show it _becoming_ torn! Let's take the hair description from earlier and put the two together.



> She held back a shriek, fearful he'd hear, as her nightgown caught on a low branch. Gasping for breath and tugging hard, she managed to rip it loose, leaving a large tear near the bottom edge, and falling over, her jet black hair spilling over her as she scrambled to regain her footing.


Hell, you could combine that with the aforementioned "tripping and spraining ankle" deal. But do you see what I've done? I've taken what was previously a jammed-in description and made it part of the scene, part of the action. Her hair isn't just there, it "spills over her" as she falls. Her nightgown becomes a source of frustration, holding her back and adding to the tension. And we haven't lost any of the "she just got out of bed" from the previous, more vomitous description. I might suggest trying to find a way to integrate the gown and the hair -- "her nightgown, black like her raven hair" -- to further tighten up the description.

The bits that I'm hoping you'll get out of this little diatribe can be summed up as follows: if a description does not advance the plot of the story, then it is not important; remove it. If you absolutely must include description of a character, then do so in a way that makes it advance the plot. Integration of description into action scenes can make the pop alive; if you have a calm moment, have another character take a look 'for' the reader. Mirrors can be useful.

And don't for a moment think that description isn't important. It's only important _if it is absolutely necessary that the reader see what you see_. If you don't tell your reader what that vixen looks like, they'll take what little you've given them and make up a description. If you don't provide any elements of her form or clothing until later, the reader's personal visualization of the character will change to conform with yours. Knowing what is important -- scars suggesting a long history of fighting, body parts different from what would be expected, weaponry, or clothing made from special materials that will be utilized in combat later on -- and what is not -- the character likes ice cream, their hair is usually blonde, but they dyed it blue and green today -- is key to description.

Foreshadow the important things, and leave the unimportant off, especially during a tense action scene. And remember, you are the master of your story. If you want to put something in and can't find a place for it, make one.


----------



## Xipoid (Dec 21, 2007)

I think this is one of my problems. I tend to just present information at small points where the plot is "taking a breather" instead of letting the descriptions plod along.


I believe I'm going to have to go back and rework a good bit of my writ.


----------



## suzuki (Dec 21, 2007)

It personally turns me off when people describe their characters beyond the barest necessary details. Being told everything about a character's appearance is nothing but Suedom, mental masturbation or wordfluff, whichever you prefer. It's kind of like an impressionist approach to a painting; you need to leave something to the reader's imagination. Spending more than a few words on your character's description is the most surefire way to kill a mood.


----------



## Adelio Altomar (Dec 22, 2007)

I think this is good  advice for any aspiring writer, including me. *hides notebook of writings under table* It annoys me to have to read things that are more than I need and they talk about where the color goes to such as under places that I'll imagine myself.


----------



## psinoob (Dec 29, 2007)

Thanks for the advice I don't think I make this mistake but it does help with my improving how to describe my own avatars in my eyes.


----------



## Le_DÃ©mon_Sans_Visage (Dec 29, 2007)

Well played, Take. Not much to add to what you've said. I tend to be an overdescriber myself. I usually have to weed out quite a bit in editing.


----------



## Poetigress (Dec 29, 2007)

Nicely done.  About all I can think of to add are a couple of minor points -- first, as an editing tool, we can take a look at the 'problem' example given:



> She was 6' tall and had long, black hair. She was wearing a torn black silk nightgown and no shoes. There was a bracelet on her left wrist and a locket on a gold chain around her neck. It held a picture of her husband and daughter.



Note the verbs in those four sentences: "was," "was," "was," and "held."  This is the first clue that you've got an expository lump to deal with.  Any time you have several helping or passive verbs clumped together, take a closer look -- you might be summarizing or describing things that should be dealt with in action instead.

Also, I agree with the statement that description should advance the story, but I would clarify it just a bit: advancing the story doesn't always mean advancing the plot per se.  In other words, you don't have to make every single description part of the essential action of the story, but as the original post makes clear, the description does have to be there for a reason.  (I hope that makes some amount of sense.)

Incidentally, I've come to think of mirrors as rather cliche for this purpose, so I'd caution writers against using that unless it's crucial to the setting/story that someone be looking into a mirror (if they're about to go onstage or something like that).  Please do not have your character randomly pass by a mirror or other shiny surface and begin scrutinizing every last aspect of their physical appearance.


----------



## TakeWalker (Dec 30, 2007)

Poetigress said:
			
		

> > She was 6' tall and had long, black hair. She was wearing a torn black silk nightgown and no shoes. There was a bracelet on her left wrist and a locket on a gold chain around her neck. It held a picture of her husband and daughter.
> 
> 
> 
> Note the verbs in those four sentences: "was," "was," "was," and "held."  This is the first clue that you've got an expository lump to deal with.  Any time you have several helping or passive verbs clumped together, take a closer look -- you might be summarizing or describing things that should be dealt with in action instead.



Oh baby. @.@ Talk more grammar to me.



> Also, I agree with the statement that description should advance the story, but I would clarify it just a bit: advancing the story doesn't always mean advancing the plot per se.  In other words, you don't have to make every single description part of the essential action of the story, but as the original post makes clear, the description does have to be there for a reason.  (I hope that makes some amount of sense.)



Wise words, heed them, viewers! I fully believe that everything in a story should be placed there for a reason. Every character, every scene, every happenstance, detail, vocal tic, and bloody well every _word_ should have a purpose behind it. Being able to construct a work of fiction whose every element is purposefully laid is (not only very hard to do but also) the hallmark of excellent writing.



> Incidentally, I've come to think of mirrors as rather cliche for this purpose, so I'd caution writers against using that unless it's crucial to the setting/story that someone be looking into a mirror (if they're about to go onstage or something like that).  Please do not have your character randomly pass by a mirror or other shiny surface and begin scrutinizing every last aspect of their physical appearance.



Again, you have to make the mirror work with the story. If your plot _leads naturally_ to a scene in which checking oneself out in a mirror fits, then by all means, throw that description in there. Just always be willing to question why it is you're writing what you are.

Thanks for the extra help, Poe. ^v^


----------



## Poetigress (Dec 30, 2007)

No problem.  >^_^<  Somewhere in my files I've got an old Writer's Digest article that goes into good ways to describe your main character's appearance without using the mirror.  When I get a chance, I'll see if I can dig it out and type up a quick summary.


----------



## WolfoxOkamichan (Dec 31, 2007)

Here's a good reading on description.

http://www.anti-shurtugal.com/wordpress/?p=24


----------



## M. LeRenard (Jan 31, 2008)

This is good advice.  My problem is always that I don't give details on characters appearance until it's probably too late, because I always write from one character's perspective.  I think it probably takes me some 5 to 10 pages to make it quite clear even what species my main character is in my book....  This is something I still need to work on.
I, too, however, would discourage the use of the mirror.  It's kind of a cop-out, I think, unless you're really clever with it.  The trick is to use it without making it obvious that it's just a tool you need to get your character's image across.


----------



## Kindar (Feb 1, 2008)

Poetigress said:
			
		

> Incidentally, I've come to think of mirrors as rather cliche for this purpose, so I'd caution writers against using that unless it's crucial to the setting/story that someone be looking into a mirror (if they're about to go onstage or something like that).  Please do not have your character randomly pass by a mirror or other shiny surface and begin scrutinizing every last aspect of their physical appearance.



The use of mirror to bring about a charcter's description bugs me, not because it's cliche, but because it's not natural. only the vainest of person stands in front of a mirror and runs through the way they look in their head. most of us look in a mirror and focus on one thing, fixing a lock of hair, checking if a blemish is covered up by the make up, and stuff like that. we completly ignore the rest of the image.


----------



## Poetigress (Feb 1, 2008)

Yeah, with the mirror, the only time I'd be considering my entire appearance would be is if I'm worried about how I'm going to look to someone else.  So I think it's okay to use a mirror description if your character's about to go on a blind date, or something like that, although it's important to keep in mind that the description you're getting that way has more to do with what the character perceives about him/herself, and the opinions/feelings that go along with that -- which can be used to good effect.

Found the article I was talking about, called "Here's Looking at Me, Kid" by Nancy Kress, from the October 1997 issue of _Writer's Digest_.  It focuses on how to describe your protagonist when you're writing either in first person or in third person limited -- in other words, when you're limited to using only the protagonist's thoughts or observations.  Unfortunately, _WD_ doesn't seem to do any online archiving, so I'll do as quick a summary as I can...

I can't figure out why Kress keeps referencing the name "Rose" through all her subheadings, but whatever...

* * *

*Second-Hand Rose*
--having secondary characters comment on the appearance of your protagonist, so that the reader receives a physical description by "overhearing" what those characters say (but the dialogue has to sound natural -- the secondary characters have to have reasons for commenting on the narrator's appearance)

*Rose vs. Lily*
--the narrator compares herself to another character, deciding she's either better- or worse-looking  (I've found this one very useful for revealing what the narrator thinks of herself, with it still feeling natural)

*"My Luv Is Like a Red Red Rose"*
--the narrator is aware that others want her to look or sound a certain way, and in dwelling on and detailing those expectations, the reader gets a lot of info about the narrator's actual appearance

*A Rose in Spanish Harlem*
--if the narrator's ethnicity is important to the story, she can think about her ancestors/genealogy, and that gives an opportunity to give a physical description of the narrator as part of the ethnic background (either because she looks like a member of that ethnic group, or because she doesn't)

*Faded Roses*
--when people are ill, they often describe their symptoms at least partly in terms of their appearance

*Rosie the Riveter*
--a scene at work can give an opportunity for physical description - "All you need is a plausible hook: A photographer or make-up artist points out that she has a zit, or he isn't strong enough to lift something, or her long hairdo gets caught in the assembly line machinery."  The example given here is a particularly clever one, where the narrator is a painter doing an illustration and using a photo of herself as a reference.

*Rose at the Mall*
--dressing and shopping are good places to show us the character's taste in clothing, and often you can slip in details about the body under the clothes, as long as you use details of appearance that the dresser would naturally be concerned about

*Rose Looks at Herself*
--while the mirror is a cliche, you could use a shiny reflective surface of some object that has symbolic significance to the story, something that fits the story's setting and tone -- "And if the object distorts the narrator's image a bit -- well, maybe you can use that to make a comment on how she sees herself, or the world sees her."

* * *

So there we are.  If any of those are confusing, I can quote the example she's given in the article; I just didn't want this post to go on forever.


----------



## Arthur_Aqvila (Feb 3, 2008)

I see the point about not over describing but I have one gigantic problem with one of my stories. In my case I over describe deliberately because the character is one I know the looks off by heart for and if I don't describe her fully even if its from another characters view IE "He stood staring at her taking ever thing about her in. She was....." then I feel like she becomes second to her family in the story and as I am trying to make the story about her because it started as a background for a game character of mine. Am I wrong to over describe her in this case?


----------



## TakeWalker (Feb 4, 2008)

Arthur_Aqvila said:
			
		

> I see the point about not over describing but I have one gigantic problem with one of my stories. In my case I over describe deliberately because the character is one I know the looks off by heart for and if I don't describe her fully even if its from another characters view IE "He stood staring at her taking ever thing about her in. She was....." then I feel like she becomes second to her family in the story and as I am trying to make the story about her because it started as a background for a game character of mine. Am I wrong to over describe her in this case?



If the story's meant to be about her, then overdescribing her won't help it if it isn't. If what you're writing isn't what you want to write, you may wish to reconsider your approach to the subject.


----------



## Poetigress (Feb 4, 2008)

If the story's supposed to be about her, maybe it should be told from her point of view.  I'm a little confused, though, based on what you've said.  Maybe knowing more about the story itself would help...?


----------



## Digitalpotato (Feb 4, 2008)

I think I share this problem. Is this an alright way to describe a character's appearance?




> The human was rather tall, 6'3" to be exact, although by no means was he "large" or "thin as a rail". The scent of sea spray and dragon hung around him, as if he were wearing cologne. It seemed to be his theme, if anything.



So this is what you see at first, as well as what another character with a sense of smell (I've encountered plenty) will smell nearby him The scent of cologne comparison is a light scent you can catch if you're nearby him, or if you have the sense of smell of a canine.



> The scent of sea spray seemed to go with several unusual features...the unusual eye and hair colours of this man. His eyes were a seafoam green, although this wasn't something that never occurs in humans, likely just a coincidence. And his hair...it looked like he had applied Turquoise Highlights into his hair, which was surprisingly brown.



Now while you'll see his eyes if you look at him off the bat, you might not notice his unusual hair colouring since he seems so dang tall. (...or maybe everyone else is just short.) And yes, Seafoam-green is an eye colour - It's just uncommon and I believe a double-recessive allele, same with very pale blue.


Before anyone gets confused with why I mention why he smells like sea spray, and dragon, here's the explanation
-He's part-water dragon by means of a curse, eg over time he'll become an aquatic Bronze and it's manifesting in his human self. 
-I've often used him in RPs and would like to give an image (since I can't draw) Sometimes there are anthropomorphic characters or dragons who can smell the scent of a dragon around him, so some who rely more on the sense of smell than humans would know that something seems odd.


----------



## Arthur_Aqvila (Feb 4, 2008)

Poetigress said:
			
		

> If the story's supposed to be about her, maybe it should be told from her point of view.  I'm a little confused, though, based on what you've said.  Maybe knowing more about the story itself would help...?



The line I quoted was neither quoted from the begining nor was I totaly acurate on the quote. I will re quote it from the begining of that perticualr sentance and for the sake of my sanity I will rename the man X and the Main Charecter Y

"X walked in and Y could see that as he was standing there he was staring at her taking ever thing about her in. She was....."

Its a scene where she meets him for the first time and I wanted to have it so it was obvious that he would have been staring for a while so I could write that she notices this and can tell he is interested in her and then have her and him fall in love and in a way that shows he is fascinated with her. They do end up married in the story after they have been through some rather stressful events.

I don't know if that explanation helps but I obviously dont want to go too deep into the details here as it would ruin it totaly for anyone who minght read it in the future.

No the love isn't the main point of the story but I thought it a pretty key part of the reader getting to know her. And yes I am trying to make the story from her point of view its just my slight miss quote of the line made it seem otherwise.


----------



## M. LeRenard (Feb 6, 2008)

> "X walked in and Y could see that as he was standing there he was staring at her taking ever thing about her in. She was....."


In that case, I think you'd be okay over-describing someone, so long as you make it clear that the person being over-described is someone who the viewer is clearly in love with, or what have you.  Here, you're not just describing somebody; you're also letting the reader know more about the character who's doing the observing, which is good.  Just as long as you keep it from the observer's infatuated point of view.



> Is this an alright way to describe a character's appearance?


I would have left it at the first part, possibly working in the color of his eyes and hair into that second sentence somehow.
It might be alright if you made it a bit more subjective.  In other words, most people wouldn't be able to just declare right off the bat, "That guy is exactly six feet three inches tall!"  Also, the phrase 'with several unusual features' isn't very poetic: it makes me think of someone advertising a new kind of washing machine.  Maybe... here, let me give it a shot.
"The human was rather tall: over six feet, surely, but by no means lanky.  The scents of sea spray--the perfect smell to match his seafoam eyes and turquoise-tipped hair--and dragon hung around him like a cologne.  The sea seemed to be his theme, if anything."
Something more along those lines; it's a bit less technical and wordy.
Maybe that helps?


----------



## Digitalpotato (Feb 6, 2008)

Yeah, although commonly I'm describing him to people in Role-Plays, that's why I'm naming such unusual features like I said, and somtimes people show up in anthro forms that are like 6'8".

...but since that's a rarity I'm pointing at what stands out.


----------



## themocaw (Feb 6, 2008)

Digitalpotato said:
			
		

> Questions about an RP character.



There is a difference between describing for RP and describing for story.  For instance, in an RP, this is a perfectly okay way to describe a character: 



> Kit is a female vixen, about five feet tall, with red hair and long, tapered ears.  Small and slender, with small breasts and hands, she appears almost doll-like in her delicacy.  However, the delicacy is tempered with steel: her eyes are hard and determined, and her small hands have dirty fingernails clipped short and scarred from many fights.  A lingering smell of cigarettes and gunpowder follow her wherever she goes.
> 
> Kit is a soldier of the Neu-Spartan Legions, a mercenary group based out of the planet Leonidas Prime that blah blah blah blah. . .



That's because in an RP, you want to dump information as quickly as possible, so that your RP partners have an idea of what they are dealing with.

On the other hand, in a story, you're trying to maintain your readers' attention, and infodumping like that tends to be boring, especially if you do it every time someone appears.  So you might try something like this instead, piecing out the info bit by bit until the reader forms an image in their heads.



> Kit paced back and forth on the top of the wall overlooking the battlefield.  She hated being so short.  It was hard to see over the battlements sometimes.
> 
> She ran a hand through her scarlet hair as she watched the enemy approaching, felt a strand of hair catch in her chewed-up fingernail.  She made a mental note to find a nail file, if they survived this day.  But for now, she had more important things to worry about than a simple broken nail.
> 
> ...


----------

