# critique on my poem please



## LonelyFox (Sep 2, 2008)

I'm 14 and wrote this over a year ago and want to see what other people think, it was for an assignment were we had to write about love


My Love's Rose

You left me here with this rose, our eternal sign of love
but for however long I keep it, it shall never take your place
for it may be sweet of smell, and beautiful by nature
but even the most beautiful flowers have their thorns

And that is what this rose is to me
A sharp sensation as I remember our days long past
Oh how I dread this rose, why shall it not die!
For it has sat there, for eternity in my mind an aching pain of the Heart

As you did before, it draws me in with its beauty and then pricks me
with its sharp thorns as if they were daggers
oh its lusciousness reminds me of those times
of happier times of serenading and joyousness
but even the most beautiful of flowers have their thorns

I have come to Loath this flower, a sign of hatred in my mind
but those thorns are as if, protecting it
A sign of love and affection for which I have not shown this beauty
it is as if it is there not to hurt me, but to save our love
And it is now sitting here, for eternity a question in my mind

These thorns, they confuse me
as if they have a life of their own
but I forever shall hate them, for hurting me so long
as the same you did to me when you left this flower upon my mind
this beautiful symbol of love, of sweet smell, and luscious of color
but even the most beautiful of flowers have their thorns


I now know these thorns are not to hurt me, but to protect me
for these thorns are in fact you
you protecting the only last thing of our love
oh how I loath myself for thinking of destroying that flower for so long!
And as I say this, aghast, the thorns are gone
leaving nothing but the serene petals
and there it shall forever sit, my love and hope in my heart


My tears with joy, my heart pounding
however did this come to be!
A feeling of so much love before me, never to leave me again
a sign of our everlasting hope and love to be with me for all eternity!
Oh how a wish this moment shall never end!
But even the most beautiful of flowers have their thorns


How I am now aghast with feeling
a love inside me never as strong as is now
but to my dismay, the rose is fleeting, a rotten smell in the air
my rose, my beautiful sanction of love, is dyeing
right before my very eyes!
But as this sign of everlasting hope is weeping it drops a seed
And their it shall sit, my symbol of love and hope growing
beating along in my joyous heart, for all eternity








and another 1 for the same assignment


I wrote a word on sheet of paper and someone smiled

I wrote a word on a sheet of paper and someone cried

I wrote a word on a sheet of paper and someone ran

And I wrote a word on a cross of wood and someone died




PS, its not on FA to post a link and request critique because i want to know peoples opinions on it BEFORE i post​


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## kitreshawn (Sep 3, 2008)

I am not big on poetry but one of my creative writing classes did have a poetry unit.  Honestly I did not enjoy it that much (poetry is not my thing as I said) but there were several things that were pointed out to us.

One of the main lessons was to not go out of our way to sound "poetic".  This means avoiding word inversions and so forth in an attempt to make the prose sound more like "poetry" as it comes off as hokey.

I mention this because you do it a little bit.  You don't go over the top with it but you might consider going through and altering verses that seem to be trying to sound poetic.

As an example of what I am talking about:

"for it may be sweet of smell, and beautiful by nature"

Sweet of smell is one such word inversions I was talking about.  It sounds forced, and frankly I think the poem would be better if you simply said "for it may smell sweet".

I guess what I am getting at is that you should not pick how you order your words in an attempt to sound poetic, but rather in a way that sounds clean.


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## LonelyFox (Sep 4, 2008)

Thanks I really do appreciate all critique


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## Lillie Charllotte (Sep 5, 2008)

Seems very adorable!
Very, expressive!


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## timfiredog (Sep 5, 2008)

Your 14? That is very well written. Mad props to yas from the Fire Crew.


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