# Sin Mark(Preview)



## VengeanceZ (Aug 12, 2009)

Well, I started writing it half a year ago and stopped, I wanted to develope the story more and get to redraft it and make it really descriptive and imaginative. This is just a second draft so it might not be that good. I'm not a professional writer, I just one day started writing stories since I like it. I usually write fantasy stories. 

Here it goes:

*[FONT=&quot]Sin Mark[/FONT]*​ *Prologue*​ 
The moon reflected the sunâ€™s energy, glowing with what little light it reflected. Clouds darkened the surface of the land of Grandshail . Rain pattered against the windows, in a small hut where a child was just born. The hut was made of sturdy wood and was only 7 meters in height and 13 meters in length. It was a round hut with only 2 windows, one to the north and one to the south. It didnâ€™t have amenities; the toilet was located outside near the hut and usually was unhygienic while there was only one tap that was invented by the father as it pumped water through a small pipe from a nearby lake. 

  The child cried with confusion. He didnâ€™t know what was happening, why he had to leave his mother womb.

  â€œWhat should we call him?â€ asked the mother in a soft voice. She looked a lot younger than her age, and her age was twenty six. She had luminous blonde hair and light blue eyes that reflected the light from the candle. She was a good-hearted woman and always believed that anybody could become kind.

  â€œI donâ€™t know, he looks healthy to me and his body physique is good so I think we must give him a promising name. A name which he will not regret having.â€ answered the father strongly. 
  Leroy was a proud and sometimes strict father but he had compassion for his work. He was experienced in both the blade and the bow. His short black hair gave his expression a strong look, his green eyes added to it.
  â€œBut we must give him a beautiful name. He is our child after all.â€ added the mother, with a sign of demand. 
  â€œWell, Iâ€™d name himâ€¦ Clarence.â€ he answered, like it was his final say. 
  â€œThat sounds promising...Clarenceâ€ while a smile appeared on her face.
  Lightning viciously shot from the sky, blinding the room. The child cried with dismay. 
  "Ssshh, Clarence you're with me now. You're safe. I will never let go of you." A red sin mark dimly appeared on the child's forehead. The sin mark represented that this child was cursed and chosen by the Greater Evil of Shanbail from the underworld. This child was implanted with an evil power that will grown stronger every time this child sins. A thundering shot of lightning exploded from the sky, vibrating the house. The sound of it echoed seconds after, leaving a faint jolt of shock.
  â€œThe weather sure is wild today.â€ said Leroy, with a struggling voice still affected by the vicious shot of lightning.
  "Oh look Leroy, something is on his forehead!â€ 
  Leroy carefully leaned in to observe the faint strange red cross. It had a circle around the cross and few other crossed lines in the center.
  "Don't worry, it's just a birth mark." said Leroy, confidently. 
  "But it looks strange, I think Iâ€™ve seen it somewhere before. I suggest we check in with the Pope" 
  â€œRemember he canâ€™t be blessed or checked by the Church until heâ€™s ten years old.â€
  â€œAh yes, youâ€™re right. I always forget that.â€ said the mother with disappointment.
  The rain stopped thundering against the windows. The sun shone through the dim gray clouds. The sin mark has just been marked, for this child shall cleanse his soul of the greater power inside of himself, if he succeeds the greater power inside of him will be diminished. 

*Chapter 1*
 
*Hard training*​ 
The forest of  Isdale is located near a small town named Grayrock, where Clarence was born. The town of Grayrock is a peaceful and friendly environment.  Mostly working class people live there. A few post guards operate around the city on their brown horses, keeping the thieves at bay.  There Clarence learns learns how to hunt animals and farm. As usual, Dad took him for a practice hunt on boars every Sunday in the forest. 

  It was a bright early morning; the trees glowed with life, standing over the two proud hunter. The sun filtered through the leaves, giving vision to the deep forest. The slowly flowing lake reflected the light from the sun, sparkling frivolously. A boar came tromping from a near bye bush near an old fallen oak, where the hunters were silently hiding, waiting for their prey.


  Dad signalled Clarence to shoot the boar with his hand.
  Clarence slowly aimed at the boar with his bow, struggling not to shake his hand he released the arrow. It quickly took off itself penetrating the boar directly in to the leg. 
  â€œNow shoot him in the headâ€ he shouted as the boar started to charge at the oak with a furious growl.
  Clarence swiftly stretched another arrow onto the bow, still struggling to keep his hand steady he fired it. It hit the target dead on the head. The boar stumbled down and slid to a slow halt beneath Clarenceâ€™s feet.
  Clarence felt no empathy for the boar but he enjoyed hunting animals. Heâ€™s been doing it since he was seven. He liked the sound of the arrow penetrating animals. It somehow made him feel strong and superior.
  Dad took out his sharp knife and slit the boarâ€™s neck just to make sure it was dead. The blood spilled out with a repulsive splash. Clarence flinched, he didnâ€™t enjoy seeing blood, especially his own.
  â€œThat was a good shot, son but practice steadying your arm more; youâ€™ve still got a lot to learn.â€ â€œRight dad!â€ Clarence said with a sense of passion in his eyes. After all, his dad has been hunting for over 12 years; he is far more experienced than Clarence but he definitely inherited his dadâ€™s skills. The proud hunters went home, with their worthwhile prize. Mum put on the oven and started to clean the boar with her knife. Everybody sat at the table and ate. The usual talk was going around. 
  "So, a successful catch today?" asked Jane.
  "Yes, no misses darling. Our son is learning!" James replied with a fine smile.
  "You'll always be better Dad, I know it," replied Clarence, seriously.
  "Clarence, one day I will no longer be among the living. I will leave my responsibility to you and I hope you will handle it well. I believe in you. Now off you go. Train that hand of yours; make it as sturdy as possible.â€
  "Right, off I go then!" 
  Clarence rushed out of the house with clear determination to become a better fighter. Dad sighed, with relief. 
  "He's growing up so fast...I can't believe he is that same little cute child as when he was born."
  "Yes, time goes by quickly. I sometimes wonder, James. Will he become a good father?"
  "Of course, he is compassionate about his work and never gives up. That's what makes Clarence, himself!"
  "You're right, I just hope he follows the right path,â€ Jane said with a buried sad look.
  "Don't worry; he knows what he's doing. Look, I'll teach him how to handle a real sword tomorrow, and I will personally tell him how to use the sword for self-defence and not for fun.
  "Yes, do that. I just hope he understands how important it is for him not to commit sins. I want our family to continue our generation with good hearts."
  "Every thing's going to be alright. Oh Honey, I have to go to the farm." 
  James quickly kissed Jane and rushed out of the house, slowly disappearing from sight, over the green hills.

  Clarence arrived at his sword training ground that was located over the hills of the forest, just a kilometer away from his hut. He took out his sword from his leather scabbard. It made a slicing noise, which Clarence always enjoyed hearing. He carefully concentrated on the dummy. It was made of natural silk and old durum wheat. He forcefully swung his sword into the dummies stomach, trying to keep his balance as of how heavy the sword is. This time he decided to use his fathers real sword and indeed it was heavy, although the sword instantly penetrated the dummy. His daily training at long last started to pay off. He practiced swinging as smoothly as possible for half an hour, until he grew tired and had to rest. He sipped some water from a nearby lake. It was called the lifegiver. Without a doubt it was called the lifegiver for its purpose to give energy to Clarence every time he drank from it, it was a legend that this lake was purified and enchanted by a mystical wizard who appeared only by the full moon, only one man saw him, telling the legend all around the town and so it spread until this day, or was it that he was so thirsty? _Not a moment to waste _he thought, he continued his training. 

  It was a late evening; the sun had nearly sunk down. Only glimpses of orange light could be seen, sifting through the nearby tree leaves. The sky was painted with bright orange, like orange juice that he used to drink when they had the money to buy it. Clarence fell down with exhaustion. Heâ€™s been training for over 2 hours since he rested and was sweating heavily.  He sat down and looked at the mellow orange sky. He remembered the times of when he used to run around the busy center of Grayrock with his friends, laughing and enjoying the summer breeze. All that was in the past now, he moved into a small country side town not far away from Grayrock. He lived with only his parents since then. His grandma visited him every June 15, with a couple of homemade presents such as wool socks or a wooden toy. Thatâ€™s all the company he had throughout the year. His granddad has long died since the Great Grandshail war that took place 20 years ago.  He never knew how he looked, or what his personality was. Everybody in the family told him that he was a great proud man, who made funny jokes from time to time to lift the mood.

  His memories were suddenly interrupted by a strange loud scratching noise that came from the nearby bushes. It sounded like someone was scraping against a tree. He stood up and walked silently to the place where the sound was coming from, keeping his sword close by his right hand. The sound was getting even louder as he got closer. The sound had stopped; the trees brushed against its leaves making a rustling sound. There was total silence except the light wind. Clarence stopped, still sweating but it was not that he was exhausted. The creature slowly appeared from the shades , still darkened by the huge tress surrounding it. Clarence froze like ice, sweat dripping down his chin. He was astonished. 

*Chapter 2*​ *The sender and the first test*
​ Clarence jumped back with amazement but shock at the same time; he took out his sword as the white creature jumped at him with lightning speed. He fell down while screaming â€œGet off me you monster!â€ He inaccurately swung his sword in all directions while his eyes were closed. He abruptly stopped as he felt a soft and warm touch to his cheek. He slowly opened his eyes and adjusted to the bright light. Before him he saw a white fluffy cat. It was definitely covered with fur. He was quite dumbfounded as he never saw a white cat before, only a black or a brown one. He realized that the cat was licking his cheek. He laughed as it tickled his soft skin. 
  â€œWhere did you come from?â€ asked Clarence with a more calmed down voice. 
  â€œMeowâ€ the cat answered, with a cute look.
  â€œYou sure gave me a heck of a scare!â€ he shouted out with laughter.
  Clarence stood up, dusting off the dirt from his clothes.
  â€œWhere are your owners?â€ he asked.
  The cat sat there, wiggling his tail with a confused face. 
  â€œI know you canâ€™t talk. Let me see your collar.â€
  Clarence carefully bent down to look for the collar on his neck trying not to scare away the cat.  Surprisingly he had no collar and his skin felt really warm and revitalizing, like it was filled with pure energy that was leaking out of his body. As all owners of pets in the land of Grandshail they had to buy a collar for their pets, it was the law and if you broke the law, it meant death.

*Questions for you:*



 Do you find the first few chapters interesting, do they catch your attention and make you read on?
Does it contain enough imagery?
Should I expand to describe places, motions and feelings more?
Is Chapter 1 too short?


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## M. LeRenard (Aug 13, 2009)

Posting this just so people will see it, or is there some other reason?


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## VengeanceZ (Aug 13, 2009)

Do you find the first few chapters interesting, do they catch your attention and make you read on?

Does it contain enough imagery?

Should I expand to describe places, motions and feelings more?

Is Chapter 1 too short?


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## M. LeRenard (Aug 13, 2009)

Hmmm...
The prologue didn't really catch my attention, and here's why: you ruin the suspense by describing what the mark on his forehead is.  Honestly, it would be much more interesting if you cut this out:


> A red sin mark dimly appeared on the child's forehead. The sin mark represented that this child was cursed and chosen by the Greater Evil of Shanbail from the underworld. This child was implanted with an evil power that will grown stronger every time this child sins.


Just say that there's a mark there, put in the question about the Pope, and call it good.  Then the reader goes, 'why would the Pope need to know about a birthmark?' and he'll be inclined to continue reading.  But the way it is now... it's like some professor of theology just barged into the room and gave a lecture right in the middle of the story.

Second and third questions are kind of similar, so I'll answer them both by saying, it contains enough imagery (probably), but you put a lot of it in the wrong places, and you're a little specific with the details.  I mean, you give the actual physical dimensions of the house.  Normally when I walk into a place, I don't make a measurement; I make assumptions, generalizations.  'This place is pretty little', or 'this place is huge', or whatever.  It would actually be better if you left it at 'in a small hut where a child was just born.'
And there's also the issue of flow.  You give a lot of details, but they don't feel appropriate.  There's a storm going on, a child was just born, he's got this weird mark on his forehead that disturbs his parents... we don't care how good a plumber the father is.  Details like this are interesting, but they have a place.  You need to figure out where that place is, where you can put it without interrupting what's actually going on.

Is chapter one too short?  Well, do you tell everything you think needs to be told?  This is really kind of up to you.  If you wanted to expand it, you could build the world up a little more.  Maybe they have a conversation with the local butcher, he gives details about politics, farming, whatever.  Things like that.  But if you don't think that's necessary, fine, no one will argue with you.
One comment, though: cut the last sentence.  This is that whole 'show, don't tell' spiel.  If sweat is dripping from his chin, we can probably safely assume that he's astonished; you don't need to tell us.  You do this kind of thing in a few places: look for them.

Hopefully this helps a little.


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## VengeanceZ (Aug 13, 2009)

Thanks. I'll go over it and yeah I kind of ruined it with that sentence. Just bashed the curiosity to a pulp and guess I over described DX


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## Tiarhlu (Aug 13, 2009)

I'll echo what Renard said. I seemed to have been thinking the same things. 

I'll add that the way you have this formatted was really difficult to read. I honestly wanted to stop early on. It's nothing against your story itself, but the way it looks was troubling. Either skip lines or indent. This only seems to happen when you have dialogue.

If you need a speaker to trail off, then do your elipses like this . . .


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## VengeanceZ (Sep 3, 2009)

Updated text size. Is it better?


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