# 10 things Hollywood thinks computers can do



## ToeClaws (May 4, 2010)

Great article on Slashdot - hilarious too 'cause Hollywood can be so stupid:

http://www.expertreviews.co.uk/general/278200/top-10-things-hollywood-thinks-computers-can-do

Do you have others you can add to the list?

I would add sound... Hollywood is under the impression that EVERY computer, past, present and future makes noises as you type, as it processes and as it displays results.


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## TashkentFox (May 4, 2010)

Hollywood also thinks that when an ECG machine flatlines it means the person is dead, IRL all it indicates is that someone has accidentally pulled the cable out.


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## Aden (May 4, 2010)

Oh god, Hollywood computer sounds. I will absolutely refuse to add "computer" foley to any project I'm working on on principle.


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## Runefox (May 4, 2010)

CSI: Miami. Fucking future-computers. Seriously, the original Vegas CSI had real software that, maaaaaaybe, might possibly be able to do _some_ of the things that they do. Miami and New York? Holy fuckshit, where'd the holographic displays and insta-track systems come from?


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## ToeClaws (May 4, 2010)

Runefox said:


> ...Holy fuckshit, where'd the holographic displays and insta-track systems come from?



*laughs* Yeah I know, even more laughable when you consider how many government and police systems are still running VAX and AS400 machines 'cause they either can't afford to or are afraid to change them.


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## Aden (May 4, 2010)

Runefox said:


> CSI: Miami. Fucking future-computers. Seriously, the original Vegas CSI had real software that, maaaaaaybe, might possibly be able to do _some_ of the things that they do. Miami and New York? Holy fuckshit, where'd the holographic displays and insta-track systems come from?



Not to mention ELITE FUCKING LIGHTING RIGS EVERYWHERE


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## Tewin Follow (May 4, 2010)




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## Fuzzy Alien (May 4, 2010)

*3. You can zoom and enhance any footage

*That one always makes me groan.


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## Slyck (May 4, 2010)

11. Only Dells use teletype machines. Get it?


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## Joeyyy (May 4, 2010)

addon to #5 i think:

when like 7 year-olds are whizzes at typing.  they expect every person to be able to type perfectly and correctly without looking at the keyboard.


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## Bernad (May 4, 2010)

#1 is my favorite.  *1. Left long enough, a computer becomes intelligent. 


*


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## SnowFox (May 4, 2010)

This has been something that's irritated me for years. I'm glad I'm not the only person who's bothered by such stupid things.

What I find most annoying is the stupid noises and beeps that computers make whenever they do anything.

You can hack through any firewall or password if you type really fast. LOL.


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## LizardKing (May 4, 2010)

I saw this and thought you mean this one

They even start with the same thing :V


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## CerbrusNL (May 4, 2010)

Another: Searching for some term in a database (often criminal profiles) gets you ~50 popups with articles


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## Aden (May 4, 2010)

All investigative computers use an entirely custom OS with professional graphic design.


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## TashkentFox (May 5, 2010)

Bernad said:


> #1 is my favorite.  *1. Left long enough, a computer becomes intelligent.
> 
> 
> *



Is Alan Turing's Colossus now ready to take over the world?


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## ToeClaws (May 5, 2010)

TashkentFox said:


> Is Alan Turing's Colossus now ready to take over the world?



No, the original was dismantled after the war.  They just recently rebuilt it so it'll need a bit more time before it becomes our machine overlord.


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## TashkentFox (May 5, 2010)

ToeClaws said:


> No, the original was dismantled after the war.  They just recently rebuilt it so it'll need a bit more time before it becomes our machine overlord.



I know, but it's said that one of the original Colossi still resides somewhere in Thames House.


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## ToeClaws (May 5, 2010)

TashkentFox said:


> I know, but it's said that one of the original Colossi still resides somewhere in Thames House.



... quietly waiting for the moment when we least expect it to strike.


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## TashkentFox (May 5, 2010)

ToeClaws said:


> ... quietly waiting for the moment when we least expect it to strike.



As far as I know all it's been doing for 60 years is cracking a few codes every now and then, Churchill probably recognised that Colossus would be a valuable asset in the cold war and may have requested that one be retained.


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## Stargazer Bleu (May 5, 2010)

In a lot of movies those top 10 things i see happen many times.
Maybe not all 10 in same movie, but some in combonation.


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## Runefox (May 5, 2010)

While many of these happen often, I think the most common piece of Hollywood idiocy is probably the zoom-in-and-enhance function that everyone knows and loves. Not even the projector-monitor seems to be quite so common as the security camera with infinite resolution.


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## ToeClaws (May 5, 2010)

Thought of another one: How computers in movies/shows are so easily connected to anything.  Example: Stargate SG1 shows them regularly connecting Dell laptops via serial or parallel ports to mega-sophisticated technology from the "Ancients" or other cultures.  Considering you can barely get that shit to work on Earth, how the hell does that always work so well with alien tech?


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## Runefox (May 5, 2010)

ToeClaws said:


> Considering you can barely get that shit to work on Earth, how the hell does that always work so well with alien tech?



Obviously it's because our computer technology is based on alien designs. That old modem screeching? That was really just spoken alien language.


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## Mayfurr (May 8, 2010)

ToeClaws said:


> Thought of another one: How computers in movies/shows are so easily connected to anything.  Example: Stargate SG1 shows them regularly connecting Dell laptops via serial or parallel ports to mega-sophisticated technology from the "Ancients" or other cultures.  Considering you can barely get that shit to work on Earth, how the hell does that always work so well with alien tech?



And let's not forget the classic scene in "Independence Day" where an Apple Mac will apparently happily interface with the onboard computer of a frakkin' _alien mothership_...


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## Jashwa (May 8, 2010)

LizardKing said:


> I saw this and thought you mean this one
> 
> They even start with the same thing :V


Same :c


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## Takun (May 8, 2010)

No one in can find the world's best hacker but he is extremely famous all over the internet and turns out to be fucking 14.  u_u

Also: Visualization of a firewall.  IT'S LIKE A REAL WALL.


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## TashkentFox (May 8, 2010)

Mayfurr said:


> And let's not forget the classic scene in "Independence Day" where an Apple Mac will apparently happily interface with the onboard computer of a frakkin' _alien mothership_...



That was product placement, the whole movie was a fucking 145 minute advertisment for Apple. One more thing that annoyed me about it, how did a janitor's closet in a tunnel protect Will Smith's family from being incinerated even though the death ray could level skyscrapers? Hollywood physics would make Einstein and Newton spin in their graves.


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## ArielMT (May 8, 2010)

Hollywood computers have 16 cores each running at 1 THz, and either contain 20 EB hard disks or are connected to 100 Gbit secure wireless networks with more coverage than AT&T and Verizon combined.  Any graphics data is downloaded and displayed instantly, while short text files take forever to load.

Also, according to Terminator 2, an Atari Portfolio can crack an ATM system or electronic safe in seconds.


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