# -satansmurf- vs. -horse spider-



## Quiet269 (Sep 23, 2008)

Horse you say?  

 So, I am taking out the garbage to the curb and preparing for my nightly "zen" time of watering the lawn. I go to grab the can from the garage and what I thought was a rat run out from under it. 

 So, silly me, having seen where it went, I though, let me see this silly rodent. So, I crawl under my trailer (which, for reasons beyond me, I keep in the garage) and lift the little box that it went under... 


 It was not a mouse. It sure couldn't be a spider. It actually cast a shadow. I would peg it at 2" tall, legs spread at perhaps a total width of five or six inches. 

 And it looked at me. And started moving!  

 I screamed worse than a little girl, smashed my head on the trailer axle and scraped the hell out of my knees on the floor trying to back up. 

 And next thing I knew, I was standing down on the sidewalk, looking back at the garage with certain trepidation.  

 Now I didn't know where it was. Did it head up the stairs, open the door and start drinking my beer? Maybe waiting above the garage door waiting for me to return? 

 Fortunately, I had my keys in my pocket and entered the house through the front door. I went to the kitchen and rummaged around under the sink and found my goal.. RAID! 

 It was "Flying Insect Raid" but I figured it would do.  

 So now.. How do I enter the garage to find this beast?  

 I decided that going back out through the front door and through the garage door (which is double wide) was my best bet. I would have the best chance of seeing it before it ate me. 

 So, out I go.. and inch my way back into the garage. Now, it should be said, it is actually a three car garage. So it is pretty dang big. 

 I thought it looked like it was heading from the two car part of the garage to the one car part - which is where all my yard tools, building materials and the like are kept. So, that way I head. 

 I crawl slowly over a wheel barrow, slide over some plywood remnants and head into the one car part of the garage.  

 And then.  

 The light went out.  

 Now, since I was only planning a brief stay in the garage, I had not turned on the light. So how did I have light? When the garage door open or closes, it has a little light built in to it that lasts for 6 minutes. I had only relied on that and not turned on the main lights. 

 So there I stood. In the dark. With Godzarachnid somewhere nearby. And lots of garage crap between me and the light switch.  

 Unforunately, I only stood very briefly and did not do something intelligent like wait for my eyes to adjust to the dark or anything. I hauled butt back toward the opening the garage door offered as salvation. 

 Now, I don't think it needs stiches, but I tripped on the plywood, fell (literally) in to the wheel barrow and crashed down with it all onto my yard hand tools - gashing my knee on a gas powered edgers blade. 

 Much cussing ensued as I finished crashing my way out of my garage - and I am not kidding here - I had a big gas powered weed wacker dragging behind me because my belt hooked on part of it as I tried to get out quickly. 

 What is that smell?  

 Oh, just the gas running down my leg.  

 AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!  

 Yes. Gas plus large open flesh wounds (my knee) do not mesh well.  

 I untangle myself from the weed wacker and run over to the hose and start spraying to get the gas off. Hah! How pointless is that! Even better, I had a 512MB USB drive in my pocket. First soaked with gas. Then soaked by the hose. 

 OK. Now I am pissed. That bitch is going to die.  

 I go back in through the front door, open the inside door to the garage just enough to stick my arm in and turn on the lights, close it, head out front and back through the double garage door. 

 And realize... I don't have the RAID anymore. Crap. I slowly slide over to the mess of crap I created when I got out in the dark and slowly poke things around until I find it. Now I am ready! Certain arachnid doom will be in short order! 

 I spent 15 minutes looking in the one car part of the garage and can't find it. So I move over to the slightly cleaner and less hidey hole part of the two car part. Slowly I am pushing things around, looking under things.... 

 I finally look under the trailer again.. And the wheel tried to attack me! Well, not really. Apparently it climed up on the metal rim of the wheel and was haging out there. 

 So first I spray from the outside - but can't be sure how much is getting in. And fortunately it is sfying insect spray, so it shoots in a steam pretty far. I get on the other side of the trailer, look under.. see it is still there. And let loose the cannon of doom! A good 3 second spray! 

 WOOOOOOT!  

 I watch.  

 After a few seconds, it unfurls itself from the defensive stance, crawls back down on the garage floor... and heads right to me! I just pissed it off! 

 So once again I am scrambling from my semi-under the trailer stance and haul butt back towards the garage door. Oh, but that would be easy. 

 The $^)(&$^)(_$&@ ball hitch lock caught on the fold of my shorts leg (hem? whatever it is called) and spun my towards the one car part of the garage. 

 I had a vague notion that it was following me and the end was near. To die in this way. Bleeding. Wet. Soaked in gas. In my garage. 

 I grabbed the first handle I found as I stumbled back into the tool part of the one car side of the garage, pulled a 180 as fast as I could and **swung** 

 Woah, this thing swing slow.  

 *crash*  

 *BAM*  

 It was a sledge hammer. I knocked the plastic case off the auto garage door opener on the way down to the floor - where I took out like a 2" divit. 

 But.. unbelievably in all this bad luck.. it was right where the spider was! Concrete dusk all around.. and legs and body parts everywhere. It was dea.... 

 IT GOT UP!!!!! And the damn thing turned and faced me again!  

 Now, if you can imaging a pudgy middle class white guy, in his garage at 10:45 at night (with the lights on, in full view and glory to the neghborhood) bashing his garage floor with a sledge hammer, what would you think? 

 I looked like a jackhammer on crack. Not taking full swings, but going for rapid fire light swing/taps in a random pattern on the floor. 

 ...  

 I have decided I really, really, really, really do not like spiders.  

 I have a goosebump on my head. A detroyed USB drive. Ripped shorts. A gash in my leg that is *still* throbbing. A divet and a few small knicks in my garage floor. 

 And you know what?  

 I have still not got that garbage out or watered my grass.

Needed to bring the funny to a world without art 
09/23/08 - Never Forget


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## Tycho (Sep 23, 2008)

...damn.

I'd probably have reacted in about the same fashion.


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## Quiet269 (Sep 23, 2008)

Same here 

Hmm, Downtime of 09/23/08 didn't last too long


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## Nargle (Sep 23, 2008)

Want a hug? =3

What a rough night!

As soon as I saw the spider, I probably would have evacuated the family and pets, and then set up a few score bug bombs >=3


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## Tycho (Sep 23, 2008)

I would have burned down the garage.  Either deliberately or by accident.


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## Beastcub (Sep 23, 2008)

dude was it really worth all that trouble to pursue and mush it?
you could have just crammed a towl under the door into the house to be sure it would not come in.

i like spiders. 
i saw a wolf spider in my back yard with a butt the size of a nickle and my sister and i cuaght it and kept it as a pet and fed her house flies. her name was smilie as she had a butt mark that looked like a smilie face...and we know it was a she as it layed a big ol egg sack, and she gaurded it untill they began to hatch we then put the "kritter keeper" ouside and watched them all crawl out, it was a real charolets web moment.


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## Tycho (Sep 23, 2008)

I recognize that spiders are important and serve a useful purpose in our ecosystem.

That being said, they scare me fucking WITLESS when they're in my house or garage.


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## Nargle (Sep 23, 2008)

**Eye twitches at Beastcat**

So now I'm betting your fursuits have hundreds of fat spiders crawling around in them? HM? =3


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## Beastcub (Sep 23, 2008)

Nargle said:


> **Eye twitches at Beastcat**
> 
> So now I'm betting your fursuits have hundreds of fat spiders crawling around in them? HM? =3



um no, the babies were let free OUTSIDE XD

all that is inside the house are some daddy long legs whom we leave alone as they do their job.
 like the big old monster in my bedroom whom i love as he has eaten like 20 bugs and nabbed a big iritating fly one evening
 (bzzzzzzz bzzzzzz BIZZZZZZ BRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ *moment of quiet  bizbiz? biz? bizzz-bizzz-bizzz!!!! *sweet silence)


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## Beastcub (Sep 23, 2008)

i like fat little cubby fuzzy spiders like this







big bodied spiders with no fuzz and long legs give me the willies, like this one






also the OP nice writing style, i loled at the images that popped in  my mind


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## Tycho (Sep 23, 2008)

Oh god, a shiver went down my spine, and not in a good way.  Even PICTURES of them freak me out.


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## Trpdwarf (Sep 23, 2008)

I have to agree with Beastcub. That is a lot of trouble to go through to kill it when a small preventative measure would have kept it out of your house, and the spider would get to enjoy life.

I'm not a big fan of spiders. However spiders find their way into my home all the time. I have one rule. If the spiders come in my room, they stay away from my bed. They can built a web, I don't care. If I see an egg sac it gets re-located outside. If it gets too comfy near my bed it is either captured and put outside or sucked up through a vacuum.

This reminds me of a funny story dealing with Fazoli's. It's a Italian restaurant....well sort of. I went to eat there once with my mom, and we chose a corner seat. While eating I noticed a spider the size of a dollar coin behind my mom. So we relocated to another table. However I noticed that the big spider had a weird hour-glass shape on his abdomen and I worried that the kids running around could possibly run afoul of the critter.

When I told the people running the restaurant about the spider they all freaked out so I ended up taking a piece of cardboard and a cup, playing "I'm gonna catch you!" with the spider who apparently could jump, and ended up re-locating him outside. I'm strange like that though, if I can find a way to return a bug back outside I will. It's better than flat out killing it.

I suppose not everyone has it in them to do that though.


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## Quiet269 (Sep 23, 2008)

I hope you guys realize i did not write this


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## Trpdwarf (Sep 23, 2008)

Quiet269 said:


> I hope you guys realize i did not write this



Naww, really?

It's cool. I know people though who could make this story true......including my step-brother. He has no problem terrifying a cat but let one little spider come into his room and he sleeps on the couch.

And the kid's in College. Lawl.


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## LonelyFox (Sep 23, 2008)

i dont care wether you wrote it or not, still hilarious


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## Trpdwarf (Sep 23, 2008)

LonelyFox said:


> i dont care wether you wrote it or not, still hilarious



Very agreeable opinion. The story is full of lulz.

Oh, and your avatar scares me. It looks so cute, the cuteness must be deceiving. Are you sure it won't sink poisonous fangs into me if I pet the cute little fox?


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## Nargle (Sep 23, 2008)

**Scrolls down the page REALLY REALLY fast** 

Dammit Beastcub! There needs to be a NSFA (not safe for arachnophobics) label ;_; 

This happens so often!!


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## Tycho (Sep 23, 2008)

Trpdwarf said:


> I suppose not everyone has it in them to do that though.



Some people are genuinely frightened half to death by them.  "Relocating it safely" comes in a distant second to "MAKE IT NOT A THREAT ANYMORE BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY".  Not that you'd appreciate the 'phobic's point of view.


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## wakan (Sep 23, 2008)

yeh spiders freak me out... id prolly gone in with a gun for that one lol i once was getting a few shooting supplies form the barn and a black widow scaredd the hell outta me and i shot it with a .45... a little over kill but hey it worked and no im not stupid it had a dirt floor not concrete!


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## Trpdwarf (Sep 23, 2008)

Tycho The Itinerant said:


> Some people are genuinely frightened half to death by them.  "Relocating it safely" comes in a distant second to "MAKE IT NOT A THREAT ANYMORE BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY".  Not that you'd appreciate the 'phobic's point of view.



Considering that I suffer from a phobia where I cannot get on an airplane, I understand part of what people go through.

What, do you think I am a heartless cur? I understand when a person has a true case of a phobia when it comes to different things and spiders. Hell, when I had to work with snakes and the general public that was always the the first thing I had to pay attention to, because some people are literally terrified witless and it isn't their fault.

However having worked with animals, especially animals like snakes, I have learned that fear of certain critters is often a learned thing in our society. There are lot of people who will go out of their way to kill an animal, and they don't have a phobia, but a learned fear of "If I don't kill it now, it will hurt me later". It's sort of like when people cannot just let the snake in their yard that is sun-bathing itself alone....even if it is non-venomous they decide it has to die.

It makes me sad when people are set that way. It's the whole mentality "A good snake is a dead one" or a "Good spider is a dead one".

That said I'm not going to jump down someone's throat if they have a legitimate fear as in a phobia....but I do have a problem with this learned fear that parents give to their children. If parents would work with their children to respect and understand things like snakes, and spiders, maybe people wouldn't freak out so much or so often over such things.

Then again, you can get some wonderful lulz's from the reactions  of people.


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## LonelyFox (Sep 23, 2008)

evil spider is evil


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## Nargle (Sep 23, 2008)

Trpdwarf said:


> Considering that I suffer from a phobia where I cannot get on an airplane, I understand part of what people go through.
> 
> What, do you think I am a heartless cur? I understand when a person has a true case of a phobia when it comes to different things and spiders. Hell, when I had to work with snakes and the general public that was always the the first thing I had to pay attention to, because some people are literally terrified witless and it isn't their fault.
> 
> ...



Heh, when you say people can get terrified witless... I'm not joking, I can't function when I see a spider. I completely freeze up and loose the ability to think o.o I usually get someone else to kill it due to my sudden handicapped state. But if it isn't obliterated into a fine dust, I can't unfreeze. Even dead spiders do this to me.

Sometimes I even have nightmares and hallucinations of spiders =( One of the reasons I hate the dark, too.

Anyways, I agree that people who simply _don't like_ vermin shouldn't be going around killing them. I don't really have a problem with mice/rats/snakes/bugs, so it makes me sad when people use poison or lethal traps. I always try to relocate. Except with ants, though. NOTHING gets rid of them except complete genocide.

We used to live out in the country, and we'd have little boxes with one way doors and a little peanut-butter inside to attract all the mice and shrews and such. We'd dump them off in a field a few miles away. 

Oh hey, I love snakes =3 I used to have two cornsnakes! And whenever there was a garden snake outside when I was a kid I would always try to play with it... Mom would get so mad XD


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## Tycho (Sep 23, 2008)

Actually, I TRY to shoo it out of the house whenever possible, simply because the thought of having to clean its crushed body and splattered innards up makes me ill.  Killing is a last resort or SERIOUS PANIC response, the latter of which is more common.


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## Silverstreak (Sep 23, 2008)

To the author:

Have any of your pets or family members passed on recently?

The spider you saw could have been that pet/family member reincarnated, it only wanted to see you again.

Then you went all spazzoid and started spraying it, hammering it, and stuff.

Way to go.


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## Nargle (Sep 23, 2008)

Silverstreak said:


> To the author:
> 
> Have any of your pets or family members passed on recently?
> 
> ...



Maybe it was an enemy he finally got rid of that wanted revenge.

He wanted a rematch!!


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## Quiet269 (Sep 23, 2008)

Want to scare the **** out of me?

Bring this thing out... (See attached)


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## Tycho (Sep 23, 2008)

Quiet269 said:


> Want to scare the **** out of me?
> 
> Bring this thing out... (See attached)



Oh god.

I saw the most horrific video of one of those, a HUGE one too.

I nearly retched from the memory.

Utter horror.


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## Quiet269 (Sep 23, 2008)

I have two stories, not so detailed, and not so funny as the OP....

First one was when I was in the 4th grade. We had just moved into a new house and I had used a sleeping bag as a comforter....

I unrolled that bad boy and there was a FOOT LONG Centipede in the middle of it....

I FREAKED and ran to grab a bowl to catch it in...

It got away...

I chanced that bastard all around my house. It went into my closet, I bashed it with a frying pan, it climbed up the wall and I took one of those long fire place lighters to it, it then went and jumped into one of my shoes!

I grabed some salad forks and threw the whole shoe in the freezer...

The next morning I (very slowly) opened the freezer... it had crawled out of the shoe and was curled up in the freezer... so I scooped it up in a container I could seal.

I left it IN THE FREEZER for 2-3weeks and took it to show and tell.

IT WOKE THE FUCK UP AND WAS MOVING AROUND DURING SHOW AND TELL!

I had to get the Social Studies teacher to let it go outside.



The second one I found was out in the road, we were playing around and I kicked a big rock over

there was one there that was about 8" long....

My friend got the good idea to take the big rock I kicked and he picked it up over his head then slammed it down on the thing!

The rock broke into several pieces (maybe it was one of those concrete blocks? I forget) and the damn centipede crawled out from the rubble!

EDIT: want to see what these bad boys can do? http://www.ispub.com/ostia/index.php?xmlFilePath=journals/ijem/vol2n2/centipede.xml

Scroll down if you dare


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