# Unsure of myself



## lyrael (Aug 28, 2008)

I've always been a bit...anxious showing my work to anyone.  However, the following is an excerpt from a story I'm collaborating on with theonehowl, the majority of it is on my page on FA (there's not much else on the page yet, but that story.)  I hope to hear some opinions on its quality, readability, etc.  Don't be too gentle, I hate criticism, but it strengthens my writing...

Soft wisps of clouds were brushed artfully across the azure blue sky.  Lyra stood in the green and yellow flower fields of her adopted homeland and stretched a paw outward, humming softly under her breath.  Although she was a senior Song Mage, and an Elementalist of the Higher Order, she still felt a thrill of delight as the magic within her soul bubbled up and did her bidding.  Gently, subtly, she drew upon the wind, bending the sweet smelling grass and pansies in the growing zephyr.  She felt the air begin to ruffle her deep, reddish fur, tickling her neck and tail playfully.  Stifling the urge to giggle, she deepened her humming, concentrating hard on controlling the capricious breeze.  Wind was not her strong element, but it was the most malleable and fun.  

Drawing deeper into her song trance, she drew the wind to her outstretched paw.  She narrowed her eyes in concentration as she struggled to bring it into a tight, swirling ball no larger than her palm.  Her breathing was slow and steady, the low hum becoming louder as she felt her palm grow heavy and cold.  Wrapping her magic tightly around the air, she drew the vortex in until it swirled violently into a ball.  With a final soft hum, she closed off her song, and trapped the air.  Her pale brown eyes snapped fully open, and she laughed delightfully at the blue-grey swirling sphere.  She tossed it from hand to hanqd, giggling at the tickling sensations she felt as the air brushed her sensitive palms and fingertips.

"Still goofing off?" A low growl behind Lyra made her gasp and nearly drop the sphere.  A tall, lanky fox stood a few feet away, his body cloaked in the Higher Order robes and his neck adorned with the Air Mastery and Water Minor pendants.

"Colchet," Lyra grinned, "I should have known youâ€™d sneak up on me like that.  Air walking again?"  She laughed as her friend just rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"Lyra," he sighed, "You know you should be wearing at least your pendants when youâ€™re outside the city walls.  More than flowers are in these fields, as well you should know." He cocked an eyebrow significantly and she felt her face burn.  

"Col, that was years ago, and I apologized profusely to the Order of the Wolves!  Three times already!" she growled.  Colchet said nothing, and she heaved a deep sigh.  "Ok, ok, fine," she stalked over to her abandoned robe and pendants, "For you, Iâ€™ll wear the jewelry.  But I donâ€™t need the robe, itâ€™s too darn hot and I like the air in my fur."

Grinning widely, Col hummed a quick tune, releasing her air sphere and sending it whirling over her body.  "Col!" shrieked Lyra, laughing as her entire body was tickled wildly, "No fair!"

Shrugging his narrow shoulders, he replied, "Thought you liked the â€˜air in your furâ€™."  His imitation of her was so accurate, she couldnâ€™t help but laugh.  "Seriously, though," the fox continued, frowning slightly, "I need you to come with me, the Council meets tonight and they have something to tell us both."  

The Council was composed of the Masters of the Elements.  Lyra, as a Master of Earth, and Colchet, as Master of Air, were on the Council as were their two friends-Borkan, a dragon and Master of Fire, and Mimo, a panther and Master of Water.  Lyra found it highly amusing that a cat would master water, and loved to raze Mimo about it.  

Settling the pendants of Earth Mastery and Air Minor between her breasts and shrugging on her thick brown robe, Lyra growled in her throat.  She hated Council meetings, especially lately.  Borkan, by far the most senior and the strongest Elementalist among them, was on some kick about security lately.  He had already had the Elemental School walls reinforced twice in the last three months, and he was training several of the most promising students in Combat Arts-an elective that most students took only to fill the requirement for graduation.  Now it was a requirement that all students take at least an hour of CA a day, and the best students were required to practice twice or even three times daily.  No one else on the Council, or in the School for that matter, knew what was going on, but they all bowed to Borkanâ€™s vast experience and wisdom.

"Bork needs another meeting?" she snapped, "Itâ€™s the full moon tonight!  I wanted to moon-weave again!  Do you know how close I am to finishing that shield?!"  Colchet shrugged carelessly, running a paw over his ears wearily, "Lyra, I know.  Borkan believes that something big is coming though, darling, and he needs us both there.  He asked for us specifically this time."  Lyra sighed in frustration before nodding once, decisively.

"Ok, fine.  Iâ€™m there.  Maybe if we can hurry him up a bit Iâ€™ll still have time to weave a few moon beams before the best light expires."  She grinned up at her friend and touched a paw to his chest.  "Race you home?" she inquired with a grin.  He laughed and nodded, stating, "Ok, but no cheating this time, little panda."  She responded by sticking out her tongue and stepping back.

"All right," she said quickly, "Weâ€™ll race via air walking this time.  No vortexes or drafting allowed, got it?" Colchet nodded with a smile and they both closed their eyes, humming softly in their throats.  A brisk wind blew by them, and slowly they rose a short distance above the earth.  Cracking one eye quickly, Lyra watched Col begin to close off his song, his paws dangling three feet above the dancing grass.  She continued humming, and then subtly began adding a counterpoint harmony to her song.  Instead of closing off her air walking tune, she added her favorite Earth song, vine capture.  Two vines shot fast as lightening out of the Earth and twined around the foxâ€™s paws, trapping him firmly and startling him.

"Lyra!" He howled, yanking at the stubborn vines, "I said no cheating!"  She laughed, closing off both songs quickly.  "I never said I wouldnâ€™t cheat," she stated smugly, "I said the only rules were no vortexes and no drafting."  She jogged quickly over to the ensnared fox and grinned wickedly at him, "And I think youâ€™ll find that those particular vines are ratherâ€¦immune to most effects of the Air.  Have fun!  Iâ€™ll see you back at home, loser!"  With another howl, and a fruitless yank on the vines, Colchet had to laugh as his friend quickly jogged off.  Her long striped tail waved saucily at him and her delicate black paws just skimmed the tops of the flowers as she headed back towards the School of Elementals.


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## Ravagraid (Aug 28, 2008)

You're too good to be unsure hun,
Don't worry, if you write, read, critisise and edit before letting it free, and thing everything well trough like this.


It's well written, so keep it going, and release it ^-^


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## X (Aug 28, 2008)

thats pretty good. i like it


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## Molotov (Aug 28, 2008)

I really only found one mistake (I disregarded the other one on account of it being rushed, I assumed), no "e" in "lightning", but hell. I can tell from here, that this tells one heck of a good story you're collaborating with 'theonehowl'.


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## foozzzball (Aug 28, 2008)

Good. Stay unsure. Unsure is _good_.

Never settle down to the point where you cease looking at your own work slightly askance, because then you're going to stop improving, and that would be a shame.


Otherwise...


 and loved to raze Mimo about it.   <--- You want the word 'Razz', I think, not raze.

"Bork needs another meeting?" she snapped, "Itâ€™s the full moon tonight! I wanted to moon-weave again! Do you know how close I am to finishing that shield?!" Colchet shrugged carelessly, running a paw over his ears wearily, "Lyra, I know. Borkan believes that something big is coming though, darling, and he needs us both there. He asked for us specifically this time." Lyra sighed in frustration before nodding once, decisively. <--- Give each speaker their own paragraph. (You actually do this a couple of times. Don't.)

Didn't spot anything else but I am not paying a huge amount of attention. So far it seems to be fairly generic fantasy with fairly generic furries involved. I will say that the whole song-as-spell thing is quite fun, but it's been done a lot before.


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## M. LeRenard (Aug 28, 2008)

It's pretty good, certainly nothing to be ashamed of.  The one major issue I saw with it is in your description; it's a little purple.  Tone down the use of adjectives, if you would, because when you add too many and try to be too poetic it just ends up sounding gaggy.  Yours isn't quite gaggy, but it's well on its way.
Aside from that, though, seemed fine to me.  It's quite readable, and you're doing a lot of things right.  Just toss some of the flowery verse in those first couple of paragraphs.
Good luck.


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