# Need some help/looking for a co-write



## letter_crafter (Jun 18, 2009)

Okay, here's the deal. I currently trying to write a long story. The first part is entitled "Rokken". You can read what I've done so far here, on my page:

http://www.furaffinity.net/user/lettercrafter/

I know there's not much of a description, so here's one:

It's basically a sci-fi fantasy about some that happens at the Denver Airport, and how it affects the characters. Here are the problems _I_ have with it:

- The dialog sucks. I've been trying to improve, but it's not really working.
- The characters are a little too one-dimensional for me.
- There's too much dialog, not enough action, characters take too long to say anything, etc.

Can anyone give me some advice? Or maybe tell me other things I'm doing wrong? Also, if anyone wants to help co-write the story, or something, PLEASE! Thank you.


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## ElizabethAlexandraMary (Jun 19, 2009)

Well, two pieces of advice, to begin with.

First, get someone to revise for you. There's a major improvement considering the average stories I usually see on here, but I still spotted a few (mainly grammar) mistakes, such as it's/its confusions. But that's already kind of what you're doing here, so fine.

Second, almost everybody will tell you this, notepad is your friend! Most people won't bother downloading a story, (which you have to if using other formats), and you can use code to add effects which directly apply on the fA website. (For more info on this, read the tutorials around this forum.)


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## letter_crafter (Jun 19, 2009)

Thanks. I'm going to work on revising them myself, plus I'll upload them in .txt format. I have some ideas of what I want to do, but not sure which to start. Anyone want to PM me and I'll tell you them, and you can tell me what you think? Thanks.


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## M. LeRenard (Jun 19, 2009)

Dialogue: honestly, the best way to make dialogue interesting is to make it... well, interesting.  In other words, it's not always how people say it, but what they say.  The conversation your character has with this lady is basically just:
"What's wrong with the plane?"
"I don't know."
"What's your name?"
"[name].  What's yours?"
"[name].  Hey look, we're going to the same place.  Isn't that neat?"
End conversation.
If you lay it out bare bones like that, you can see that it's not a terribly exciting conversation.  Thing is, people talk like this all the time in real life, where you use a lot of words to say pretty much nothing, but no one wants to read it.  You need to spice things up.  Have someone say something unexpected, make the conversation take an unusual turn, maybe someone says something offensive without meaning to, whatever.  Just don't write chit-chat.
That said, if you do write chit-chat, spice it up outside of the dialogue too.  Actions speak louder than words, as they say.  You could make this conversation into something much more than a pleasant little meeting between two people who show vague interest in each other if you describe little tidbits about what they're doing.  Winks, shuffling of feet, breaking out into a sweat, nervous twitches, whatever.  Show them happening.  Then you wouldn't have to change a word of what you've written to make it more exciting.

Characters: well, not that you've given much time to expand on them (I only read the first chapter), but yeah, so far these two seem like pretty average people.  Really, though, it sounds more like you just don't know what you want from them.  People always say it helps to come up with character histories, to write down a list of quirks or other traits someone might have, in order to solidify exactly what a character is like.  You know... maybe this guy has been dumped 64 times: that would determine how he acts when speaking to a woman.  Perhaps he has the bad habit of not brushing his teeth every morning: that would determine how this woman reacts toward him.  Little things like that make a world of difference.

As for your last point, well... I like a lot of dialogue myself.  Though he could stand to not talk to himself so much once he gets stranded in wherever the hell he is after the green light deal.  Unless that's his thing.  You know... maybe he mumbles to himself when he's alone, and then he feels embarrassed about it even though clearly no one is there.
But if you think there's too much dialogue, the only way to fix it is to reduce the amount of dialogue.  But I've never thought that could be a big problem.

Hopefully some of this advice helps you out.  I'd cowrite, but I don't even spend enough time on my own projects these days, so I doubt I'd be of much help.
Anyway, good luck.


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## letter_crafter (Jun 19, 2009)

Thanks. I guess that's the problem. I tried to make it sound real, as in, this is what somebody would say in real life. But I agree, no one wants to read that. I deleted every chapter after the first. (They were bad.) I re-uploaded chapter one in .txt format, I also fixed some spelling mistakes. Once I get everything fleshed out, I'll go back to chapter one, fix the dialog, and be on my way.


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## yiffytimesnews (Jun 20, 2009)

I write myself and I can tell you it needs a lot of improvement.


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## M. LeRenard (Jun 20, 2009)

> I write myself and I can tell you it needs a lot of improvement.


Just a reminder: if you want to give someone a critique, please make it a useful one.
Unless this was referring to your own writing, for some reason.


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## letter_crafter (Jun 21, 2009)

I decided to post what yiffytimesnews PM'ed me:



> I write myself mainly for my own enjoyment and after reading (I find it best not to say what my opinion is) your story you need help.
> 
> First you need a good spell checker, download a copy of Open Office.
> 
> ...



So, I decided to see what Mr. Baggerson had written himself. Here was my reaction: 0_0 ... HOLY SHIT! I had to throw up. You call The Big Bad Wolf RAPING Little Red Riding Hood art? WTF? Thanks anyway, I will be working on my story.


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## Mediteral_Hart (Jun 21, 2009)

After reading what you have done, I'd be interested in co-writing it...it seems to be pretty interesting.


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## Xipoid (Jun 21, 2009)

letter_crafter said:


> I decided to post what yiffytimesnews PM'ed me:
> 
> 
> 
> So, I decided to see what Mr. Baggerson had written himself. Here was my reaction: 0_0 ... HOLY SHIT! I had to throw up. You call The Big Bad Wolf RAPING Little Red Riding Hood art? WTF? Thanks anyway, I will be working on my story.




Well, the content of his own work does not invalidate his points. Proper spelling and painting of the setting and characters are important, though I'm not entirely sure those were what you needed to work on.


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## GraemeLion (Jul 6, 2009)

My rule with dialogue has always been this: 

Every piece of dialog needs to reveal more of the character than you knew before, or build upon a linkage between the characters.  If it doesn't serve a purpose and it doesn't serve the plot, it doesn't belong, pure and simple.

Of course, that's the type of thing that gets nailed in rewriting.. so I wouldn't be too concerned if it got through on the first draft.   It just better not make it through to final copy.


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