# [no title yet] Chapter 1: The Unraveling



## MizuDoragon (May 25, 2009)

my first post on the forums, but I guess we all have to start somewhere. This is a story of a war between the anthros and humans, a dragon with a katana and a pistol, and murder. this IS my first attempt at a story, and its unedited. If you have suggestions, please comment, and if its well recieved I'll make more 

here goes...

Chapter 1: The Unraveling
As he lay frozen in a pool of his own blood, he had time to reflect. The pain was nothing, but what made him cringe was the cold lonliness of death.
He sighed deeply as he reached for the blood stained blades protruding from his shoulder. The pain was unbelievable when they were removed, but it was dulled by the sense of satisfaction he felt when he finally saw the corpses of enemies around him. He stared at the tarnished silver blade in his claw. Why had he disgraced the one memory of his father, the one who first ascended, and changed an artifact of hope into a weapon of vengence?
...
I can't use this tone anymore. I am not a narrorator. My name is of no importance, but if you must know, you can call me Errol. I am a false killer whale..., no, I am a combination of a human and the former. But this tale is about a savior of our people. His name is Charon, an aquatic dragon and descendant of the first to attain animalistic qualities. We call the process of gaining these qualities "ascention". Nobody knew his name, but he lead our race to liberation from the humans. His symbol is a silver katana with a gold ray skin and aquamarine silk hilt. The guard has a scattered cherry blossom pattern representing the fact we were all separated, but have been brought together In freedom and unity. In the year 2027, all 'furries' ascended, and a war started. The Earth was divided into two with a gate of energy in between the halves. Since then, the human population has increased by billions, our leader has died, and his son's whereabouts are unknown.
I do know about his first struggle because I was one of the survivors.
Charon lived in a small town called Called Titania in the province of Bardia, near the gate between boundaries. The boundary of the ascended started at what would then be called Newfoundland, and ended, going west, at what would have been called China. The ascended changed the names of the countries to forsake a portion of their former human lives.
Titania was the village where the leader was born, found love, liberated our race, and died. Charon had only two living family members left: his mother Titania, for whom the town was named, and his sister Atlanta.
Titania was a female bottlenose dolphin with pale blue skin, small legs, long, dark hair, and always wore a long dress with a floral pattern. She was 4'3" and had a lean build. She would have been in her late sixties at that time.
Atlanta was also a dolphin, but with draconic spines. She was pale pink, had somewhat longer legs than her mother, wore a tank top and shorts most of the time, was 3'7, had an average build, and was 13.
Charon was the only one in his family at that time to have mostly draconic qualities. He had *dark marine scales, somewhat lighter wings with a span of 8', black spines down his back and on the lower three quarters of his tail, which was long with a rounded hook-shaped fin on the upper quarter, silver claws, and wore black pants with a red stripe on the right leg. He wore no shoes, and a long, white, ankle length coat with the Japanese character 'mizu' on the back worn open. He had long, golden hair braided at the back and bangs parted to the sides surrounding the upper two thirds of his face, with hair covering his forehead as well. He had white coral antlers protruding behind his ears, folding back in a 90 degree curve and reaching back to a length of 7", branching off into short 1" sections. He was 16 years old and 5'11" in height, had a lean build, silver eyes, and spiked ears.* He was a kind boy, agressive towards attackers, always willing to help, but a bit shy. He had been trained in the art of the katana by his father before he died, giving him katana prowess. He was born with the ability to breahe underwater, and could attract and repel whole bodies of water through natural amplification of the cohesive and adhesive properies of water controlled by his fingertips, a power named 'hydrokenesis'.
At this time, Charon was finishing his silver-alloy double barreled pistol in his work area.
"just a little tweak and..."
Just then, Atlanta walked in and yelled "Hi older brother!"
Charon, still busy tinkering, was startled and his arm slipped, causing a big scratch in the metal.
"Atlanta! Look at what you made me do! What if there was a bullet in there!?!" Charon exclaimed.
"but the bullets aren't finished yet..." Atlanta said, shyly backing away.
Charon got up from his bench, signed, and smiled at Atlanta.
"Then what are these then, sis?" he said, grabbing a case of beautifully engraved silver bullets.
Charon returned home, chased by his sister. Titania greeted them as they entered and shared a meal. This was not a normal occurence, because Titania governed the town and was always busy with political affairs. About halfway through the dessert course, a large shock wave blasted through the house, knocking all the occupants to the floor.
"What the hell was that!?!" Charon screamed, ears still ringing from the pulse. "Mom, Atlanta, stay here! I'm going to see what happened!" there was no answer as he found his father's katana and attached the sheath to his belt. This was a sacred heirloom to be used only when lives are endangered. Charon ran to his workshop and grabbed the pistol he had finished hours earlier.
As he loaded the weapon, he sensed a presence behind him. He immediately turned around and aimed for the figure. It was his sister, but her clothes were stained with blood.
"they took mama! They made mama sleep!" Atlanta said, sobbing.
Charon put the pistol in the holster on his leg, kneeled, and put his hands on his sister's shoulders. In a calm tone, he told her to hide in the basement of his workshop, lock the door, and turn the power on.
"I will be back, don't worry! Just don't open the door for anyone, even if it's me!"
Charon rushed out to discover the town to be a burning wasteland of corpses, comatose bodies, and fighting. There were strange, hairless primates with beam weapons.
"They can't... I thought there was a gate... Damn it!"
Charon remembered his father's stories about how all of the ascended used to be hairless apes called humans. Only some ascended, while the others attacked.
Suddenly, a beam rushed past him, grazing his left arm. He spun 180 degrees, and fired two bullets at the figure injuring it's leg.
Charon rushed over to see the damage, when about eight or nine humans started firing. As if by instinct, he moved a portion of a nearby lake into a two foot thick sphere of ice around his body, thus stopping the deadly rays of light.
"Damn it! You killed everyone!" Charon cried, "You Killed... My mother..."
He shattered the ice, sending shards flying in all directions. The shards killed three of them, injuring a few more. He unsheathed his katana and rushed towards the men. They were thickly armored, but the shards caused structural damage to the metal. He eviscerated most of the men to the point where their flesh and armor were ribbons of crimson stained silk, leaving only one.
The one man scowled at Charon. In a somewhat amused tone, he asked "So, the little freaks can fight. I guess you'll kill me now. Shame, I wanted to see more of you try to fight. That dolphin freak tried so hard to-" Charon decapitated the man before he could finish.
Charon examined the destruction. The town, his home, everything he knew was obliterated within a few hours. Charon, now running to the workshop that he left his sister in, found it in ruin, Atlanta nowhere in sight. He fell to the ground, tears flowing like white rapids. He had no idea where to go from here, but he then swore vengence to the humans who took all that was dear to him. He returned to the site where he destroyed the enemy for the first time. He collected the bullets from the body of the first he shot.
"You're pretty good kid, but now your story ends"
Charon was about to turn and shoot whatever was speaking, but he was one step behind. Knives were protruding from all around his body, blood spurting from the wounds. He fell. The man walked away.


----------



## greymist (May 26, 2009)

2 points of advice.

1.  Manually format the post either by indenting (which is anoying) or double spacing between paragraphs.

2.  When writing, the proper way to write numbers is to actually write them out.  try to avoid using the numerical format for the number.

Just my 2 cents.


----------



## ElizabethAlexandraMary (May 26, 2009)

I don't know...

The first two things I saw were a repetition, and some weird spelling mistakses (narrorator, lonliness, vengence)

For the story, it remembers me a lot of what I'm writing right now, however I can't give you a decent critique until you have written a couple of chapters.

So read yourself again, use a spellchecker, maybe have someone to check your story, keep writing, and it'll get better very soon.

EDIT: Also, too much details. All of this info being thrown at the reader is no good, try to include it more gradually. Must we know the exact height of your characters?

2nd edit: First post? Heh, welcome to FA.


----------



## MizuDoragon (May 26, 2009)

Thanks, didn't notice those. Truth be told, I wrote it on my iPod touch during a busride home ^^; Next time I'll do it on my PC. I noticed a few more mistakes, and I'll fix those. Thanks for the help!


----------



## AshleyAshes (May 27, 2009)

Is he a whale or a dragon?


----------



## MizuDoragon (May 27, 2009)

AshleyAshes said:


> Is he a whale or a dragon?



He's a bit of both, mostly draconic, but you'll find out more later ^^


----------

