# A complete douchebag



## jcfynx (Aug 17, 2011)

So, after having my fox character Jean-Claude for fifteen years, I've finally decided to put him to rest. He has truly sucked his last dick. Never one to have a _dearth_ of characters, I'm kicking around some ideas for a replacement for "generic fox who loves everyone."

Name: Aaron Elsberry
Age: 32
Species: Virginia Opossum
Height: 185cm
Weight: 56kg

_Aaron Elsberry_ is a scrawny, unusually tall and tremendously unpleasant creature. As previously mentioned, he is a _man-opossum,_ and as such has a variety of _interests._ He has a penchant for collecting _unlistenable music_ which he pretends to enjoy so that he may _complain that the music you collect is artistically bankrupt._ He works at a _record store_ where he chiefly _derides the purchases_ of customers. Despite his lowly station in life he is _quite bright_ and uses this power only to _annoy and alienate others;_ he is capable of shooting down _any and all arguments_ with a mixture of _iron-clad rebuttals_ and a healthy dose of _smarm and hyperbole._ It is best to never have an opinion on any single thing around him as he will deride you _whether he agrees with you or not_ for the _very sake of arguing._

He has purchased a small loft in the middle of nowhere which he fashions as an _exclusive club_ which plays music that is not _remotely pleasurable to listen to,_ but rather serves to justify the _elitism of the patrons in attendance_ by its obscurity and exclusivity. He also enjoys _constant procreation_ with a variety of woodland creatures _regardless of species, gender, or age disparity in either direction._ The acts performed are highly degrading and he does not frequently contact them again unless he is interested in a _repeat performance._

As an opossum he is _cartoonishly angular_ with points jutting out in places where you would not expect a person to have points. He is always fashionably dressed beyond what is appropriate for the occasion; it is not unknown for him to go shopping for _consumable household goods_ with a carefully coordinated _tie and sweater vest._ Despite the inordinate amount of time he spends on personal health care and maintenance he is never seen without a _cigarette_ because he knows that, while _smoking is bad for you,_ it ineffably makes you _attractive and cool._ He reinforces his elitism by using both very large words and small, difficult words that other people do not understand.

Some of his time is spent in college towns at _coffee shops_ and _graduate school campuses_ where he passes for a bright but highly misdirected graduate student despite his high-school education. This is disappointing to his parents whom enjoy prestigious occupations in _law and medicine._ He has built up a reputation for haranguing professors of various arts and sciences and is tolerated only for his _utterly wasted intellectual capacity._

Despite his lack of redeeming qualities he maintains a tight group of _friends and acquaintances_ whom are all less attractive or intelligent than him and are easily cowed by his _presence and persona._ They primarily enjoy _doing things he enjoys_ and _spending time in places in which he is spending time as well._ He rarely sleeps for more than four hours a night and is constantly _lethargic._ He is deathly afraid of _loud noises, bees, and jilted significant others._

And that's all I have to say about that.


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## dinosaurdammit (Aug 17, 2011)

Be a deer- really they are so cute and loveable


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## Ad Hoc (Aug 19, 2011)

I think I see some Andrew Hussie in your writing style, unless I'm just picking up on something that's always been there.

Nice character though.


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## Volkodav (Aug 19, 2011)

does he do gay things
if i was a blue wolf man irl i wouldnt get a blowjob from an opossum man, youe ver see their teeth?

they have so many teeth


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## Ad Hoc (Aug 19, 2011)

Clayton said:


> does he do gay things
> if i was a blue wolf man irl i wouldnt get a blowjob from an opossum man, youe ver see their teeth?
> 
> they have so many teeth


Wolf teeth really aren't much less threatening than possum teeth, I think, even if they have a bit less of them.


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## jcfynx (Aug 20, 2011)

Ad Hoc said:


> I think I see some Andrew Hussie in your writing style, unless I'm just picking up on something that's always been there.



A young opossum stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, is this young man's birthday. Though it was thirty-two years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!



Clayton said:


> does he do gay things
> if i was a blue wolf man irl i wouldnt get a blowjob from an opossum man, youe ver see their teeth?
> 
> they have so many teeth



Get out of my thread you are gaying everything up _!!!_ You make me so mad.


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## Ad Hoc (Aug 20, 2011)

jcfynx said:


> A young opossum stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, is this young man's birthday. Though it was thirty-two years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!


I knew it! What's his strife specibus?


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## Volkodav (Aug 20, 2011)

jcfynx said:


> Get out of my thread you are gaying everything up _!!!_ You make me so mad.


You cant make me do nothin
you are always yelling at me so f you


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## jcfynx (Aug 20, 2011)

Ad Hoc said:


> I knew it! What's his strife specibus?



Douchekind don't ask me how that works man don't ask me.



Clayton said:


> You cant make me do nothin
> you are always yelling at me so f you



I'm sorry baby you know I can't stay mad at those baby blues come here.


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