# The Critique Thread: Nov/Dec '09



## M. LeRenard (Nov 4, 2009)

Let's try this again.  The last one turned out ugly.
Welcome to the critique thread version 2.0, which we will be doing bi-monthly from now on (or until further notice).  Please use this thread to ask for critique.  *Do not start a new thread.*
Re-posting the rules:


			
				Poetigress said:
			
		

> This is a thread for those who want critiques of their written work to post links to particular stories/poems/whatever on FA, in hopes that others will offer constructive criticism.
> 
> *In your post, please provide*
> 
> ...


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## M. LeRenard (Nov 4, 2009)

The last two weeks' worth of requests are as follows:



			
				darkfox118 said:
			
		

> I am seeking a critique overall of writing performance. I have gotten a lot of postiive feedback on the stories themselves but some have mentioned grammatical errors in all of my works.
> 
> since grammar is not my strong point historically, I'd like someone to take a look.
> 
> ...





			
				Altamont said:
			
		

> Hey guys! I just recently wrote a poem and some feedback would be great! It can be found here:
> 
> http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2955352/
> 
> ...





			
				Scarborough said:
			
		

> So I'm hoping someone can critique my short story Gay Porn.
> 
> As the name suggests, there's some sexual content, though I would hardly consider it "erotica."
> 
> ...





			
				Zombie Genocide said:
			
		

> _A Brothers Burden_
> 
> "Somewhere in the world, I bet its written on the wall, 'God is dead.'
> Walking past of the ruins and decay of what is left of the human race... it makes me wonder."
> ...





			
				Altamont said:
			
		

> I've got a new poem up, and I'd love it if you could all tell me what you thought.
> 
> You can find it here:
> http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2987035/
> ...





			
				Chex said:
			
		

> I'd love c/c for this story; it's been rolling around in my head for so long, and I'm finally getting around to playing with it.
> 
> *Title:* Clinical Study
> 
> ...



Anyone else previous to this time period who still wants a critique will have to repost your request in this thread.
Thanks!


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## NotSpy (Nov 6, 2009)

I've wanted to try at writing fiction, so here we go. I know I'm not the best.

This is chapter 1 of a story I've already got handwritten on my desk. Naturally, the handwritten version is not what people want to see...

*Title: *This Irish Puppeteer

*Summary: *Chapter 1 is basic background info, introducing the reader to one of the main characters and the setting.

By the way, it's non-anthro. Human beings only.

*Warnings:* Nothing bad at all. Read it to your kids!

*Critique wanted: *Anything. Any way I can improve. Like in the description for the story, I WANT to be criticized. Go for it!

*Link: *This Irish Puppeteer

EDIT: Ignore the narrator parts. I'll be updating the story later according to alchemydragon's comments.


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## greymist (Nov 9, 2009)

*Title:*  A Kitsune's Tail
*Summary*:  A Teenage girl bridges the gap between creatures of myth and the world of man to escape the torments of life.  She finds herself caught up in the most life changing experience of her life.  Will she be able to endure the legacy of her grandmother, the power of prophecy, or tame the love of a certain arctic Kitsune?  
*Rating:* PG13
*Crit:* General flow and development (I am aware of some spelling issues and grammar (those are currently under repair on master copy)
*Site:* http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2312851/


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## NotSpy (Nov 9, 2009)

Another story by me. If I shouldn't be making a seperate reply for this- sorry! Please tell me how to correct my mistake.

*Title: *Take My Hand

*Summary: *After losing everything, a husband and wife contemplate suicide.

*Warnings:* Save for mild graphic violence, it's fine. I rated it Mature, though.

*Critique wanted: *Again, anything is fine.

*Link: *Take My Hand


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## Goldstar78i (Nov 10, 2009)

Here is my first try at writing anthro fiction, after a 6 year period of no fiction writing! (Only writing school papers gets tedious)

*Title:* Marcus

*Summary:* The story of a wolf on his journey to find purpose in life.  Set with a nod to the Hellenistic/Roman age.  There are many references to myth and history in general, but I'm trying to keep it on the readable side.  

*Warnings: *Chapter 1 is clean, Chapter 2 and onwards may feature violence, language (in context), and adult behavior.  

*Critique Wanted:* Anything you want to tell me.  I have high hopes for this series, so please, let me know if anything about it feels out of place.  

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3002537
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3018401/


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## M. LeRenard (Nov 10, 2009)

NotSpy said:


> Another story by me. If I shouldn't be making a seperate reply for this- sorry! Please tell me how to correct my mistake.


Making a separate reply is perfectly acceptable.


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## Karou WindStalker (Nov 17, 2009)

Here is the current FanFiction I'm working on.

I've gotten help from the original author to keep it Cannon to his universe. ^_^

*Title* Everything in its Own Season

*Summary* Story follows three main characters, all hybrid species, through their daily lives.  Brings in pre-created characters from the original story as well as prior Cannon Fanfics.

*Rating* PG-13 : Language, erotic imagery (but not Yiff), Adult Situations, mature subjects.

*Critique requested* Just looking for flow / anything that feels like it should be cleaned up.  I know there's dialog which appears misspelled, but it's supposed to be a regional dialect or 'slang'.

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3

(Yes, they are the FA links)


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## TakeWalker (Nov 18, 2009)

*Title:* To the Wolves

*Summary:* A doe has to condemn her lover to death in a ritual that will keep their village safe.

*Rating:* PG-13 probably. Sexual overtones but nothing graphic (marked mature as it's a WIP).

*Critique:* A-NY-THING. D: I'm only posting this here because some people on this forum seemed interested in it: this is the story whose first line I posted in that one thread about first lines a while ago.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3059212/


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## Scarborough (Nov 26, 2009)

I got a new thing up.

*Title:* C'mon (c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon)
*Summary:* This guy with tentacles for arms kills this girl. And then government tells everybody to erase all memories of the incident. Highly experimental.
*Content Advisories:* Language, violence. It's rated "Mature."
*What Type of Crit?:* Anything. I'm writing outside of my normal range again, and I need to see if it works, again. Mostly concerned with if the narrator's voice sounds authentic. It's kind of supposed to be a foray into an uncooperative person's mind. Does it feel uncooperative/annoying? And if you feel annoyed, do you feel annoyed at the narrator, or do you feel annoyed at the writing? Also, I'm pretty sure most grammatical errors are intentional.
*Link:* http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3092126


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## Lazarus (Nov 27, 2009)

My NaNo story.

*Title:* The Inevitable Rise, Rebirth and Destruction of Lazarus Long and the Groupthinks from San Pedro
*Summary:* An autobiographical narrative of gonzo fiction concerning the exploits of myself and my muse/surrogate, Lazarus Long in and around Los Angeles. These range from philosophically charged lunch at In-N-Out to gun battles in the Port of San Pedro to 200mph jaunts in a Pagani Zonda.
*Content Advisories:* Language, Mild Violence and eventually some Drug Usage. HARD PG-13 at worst.
*What Type of Crit?:* Anything and everything. Although keep in mind that I'm seeking to have this legitimately published. So detailed to "Good stuff" is fine by me, although I prefer the former.
*Link:* http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3094308/

Chapter updates will come at a consistent rate of once every week on Wednesday night's at 11PM PST. Currently looking at a length of 12 to 15 chapters. The weekly updates will include two chapters at a time.


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## Shumanki (Nov 29, 2009)

*Can I get some criticism please?*

Awakening

A story that kind of doubles as fursona description...kind of based on how i feel about finding the Furry Fandom ^_^

nothing is really explicit...the closest thing is a passing reference to certain parts of my body, but nothing beyond saying that the character doesn't want to examine whats in his pants because he knows it well enough xD

does the story make sense, and is it easy to follow, or is it just way to convoluted?

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3105677

thanks and I hope you like it!


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## Zolen (Dec 10, 2009)

*Title:* Split 
Insanity is reality~
*Summary: *Axel the average lazy 14 year old basically is living a boring life, no real friends because of where he lives, nothing much to do but to run around in the woods around his home. But then some strange dreams start coming to him, the nightmare coming back each night to make him feel true fear and pain over and over. Whats happening, and where will these dreams lead? Will this dream drive him mad or will he wake up....truly....
*Content Advisories:* Small amounts of blood
*What Type of Crit?:* Detailed and helpful, that's all I ask
*Link:*http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2656684/


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## KyleAwesome (Dec 13, 2009)

Hi everyone, semi-new guy here. You might have seen me around the Thursday prompts - I've written a few stories so far. However, I've only really received one response with actual criticism, so I'm having trouble working on new stuff without any idea if I'm doing anything right! This is currently my best piece (I _think_):

*Title:* Solitary
*Summary:* A young refugee encounters a hardened, lonely wolf. About 2000 words, this is set in the Canadian arctic, part of a near-future world which has been thrown into a series of wars. Ultimately, it's about two contrasting characters who share a common flaw.
*Content Advisories:* Language
*What Type of Crit?:* Whatever you like. I think I have the basics down, but we'll see!
*Link:* http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3045364

I originally posted this as a Thursday prompt about a month ago, but I'm always really late with them, so I'm guessing most of you haven't seen it yet. Thanks to anyone with the patience to give it a read - I hope it's not a waste of time!


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## SSJ3Mewtwo (Dec 14, 2009)

General two-week notice for writers that have posted in this thread or are considering it:  At the end of this month this thread will be locked and unstickied, then a new one will be set-up.


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## The Fitz (Dec 14, 2009)

*Title: *"Therianthrope"
*Summary: *"A technology addicted shut-in is called to explore the animal aspect of human nature."
*Content: *Descriptive Violence, but nothing too serious.
*Type of Crit: *General writing/style. Anything that strikes you as good or bad.  
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3126605


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## Duality Jack (Dec 16, 2009)

Unamed. 
About post human (non furry) race and interaction with humans.
General content. 
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3148664


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## thebeast76 (Dec 19, 2009)

Frost
You find a dragon in your garage and befriend him
General
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2947687


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## Zolen (Dec 19, 2009)

Name: Split: Part two (aka chapter two) First Song of madness
Continuation of Split: Breakdown
Summery: Okay so he may have a few mental problems, one Axel has been haing strange dreams, two it seems he has been hearing things and three....well three is a little hard to say. That's one heck of a way to change. But then again, This...change....could it be _worth the effect?_ As he hears his ears ringing, the blood dripping, is this the _first song of madness_?

(corny I know but meh, I am running out of new ways to summarize so each one for each site is unique.)


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## NaotaM (Dec 21, 2009)

Name: Memory Donor (a Thursday Prompt; planning on expanding later)

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2917897/

Summary: An experimental peek into the life, thoughts and buried desires of an operator at a memory donation facility. I like prompts as excuses to try something experimental and out of my comfort zone, so I came up with the first in what'll hopefully become a short series of standalone stories surrounding the main character and his rather...unique line of work.

I tried going for a somewhat cold, alien and impersonal feel, with a bit of uneasy sensualness as well. No names, no dialogue. Just stark, antiseptic environs and slightly off, awkward tension. Let me know what you think, good or bad. <3


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## Goldstar78i (Dec 25, 2009)

Wrote this while listening to music.  Very short.  

*Title: *Constellations

*Summary: *A "disturbed" anthro describes his mind.

*Warnings:* None.  But the story is strange.

*Critique wanted: *Any kind of critique is good wit' me.  

*Link: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3073700*


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## Mediteral_Hart (Jan 1, 2010)

Title:  Dusk (Dawn Alternate Ending)

This is the alternate ending to my dawn story and this leads into a new series Im planning to do. I would love critique on the pacing and the story direction, maybe a pointer on a series...

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3211599

Rated mature for blood, death, and general sadness


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## M. LeRenard (Jan 3, 2010)

SSJ3 is whipping up a new one these as we speak, just so you all know.  We're going to try something slightly different.


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## SSJ3Mewtwo (Jan 3, 2010)

Somewhere in this scene is M. Le. Renard, of Fur Affinity Forums.  We don't know exactly where he is, because he cannot be seen.

Mr. M. Le. Renard, would you stand-up, please?


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## Goldstar78i (Jan 3, 2010)

I got another (hopefully) potent little story.  Something just makes me want to write short things about nutters.  My first first person attempt. 

*Title: *The Bar

*Summary: *A man overhears anthros talking about him in a bar.   

*Warnings:* None. But the story is strange.

*Critique wanted: *Any kind of critique is good wit' me. 

*Link: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3200146*


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## M. LeRenard (Jan 3, 2010)

SSJ3Mewtwo said:


> Somewhere in this scene is M. Le. Renard, of Fur Affinity Forums.  We don't know exactly where he is, because he cannot be seen.
> 
> Mr. M. Le. Renard, would you stand-up, please?


What?  I thought you were going to make a new thread.


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## SSJ3Mewtwo (Jan 3, 2010)

I am.  The last few days at work have been pretty hellacious.  I'm putting it up tonight though.


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## Atrak (Jan 3, 2010)

Can't wait  . You should probably move the last guy's post there, since he did post it in January.


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