# The Reality Check Series



## DHZCortez (Oct 29, 2008)

Hello and welcome to my thread, some of you might have wandered into one of my threads within the past few weeks, and heard me talking about reviving an old series I worked on at the DHZ, The Reality Check Series, for those of you who haven't I welcome you to my thread. I am an old writer from a dead site who's trying to get back into his old projects. After talking to other members of this forum, discussing the different ways to present my story, I have decided that it'd be best to post here first with the original chapters, one at a time as one would normally on the main site. Please note that these chapters were written about three years ago, after posting a chapter I will wait to see how you respond to it, then the chapter will be re-written and posted on the main site. 

I am interested in hearing your opinion, as an author some of the most beneficial reviews have been ones that give low ratings, but on that note please take some time to write your reviews. Even if you hated the story please say more then, dude it sucked, go kill yourself. That type of writing is not beneficial, and most likely will be ignored. If you disliked the story go ahead and tell me that, but then please state WHY you disliked what you read.

Well, I think that's enough said for now, onto the actual story. When I post a story I will give a short synopsis of what the story contains. If there is certain scenes I think readers should be aware of before hand, things to that effect.

Reality Check Synopsis; The Reality Check Series was written in a different light then most stories, instead of the omnificent first person, or the third person point of view this story is written in first person, attempting to let the readers connect with the characters and truely see things through their eyes. The Reality Check Series was written for a mature audience, although this series was hosted on a hentai site it does not revolve around sex, in fact various discussions were hosted in the last side about if this story should be ran on it's site, seeing as the majority of it's content was not 'lemon matarial'.


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## DHZCortez (Oct 30, 2008)

Synopsis for chapter one; The first chapter contains gore, death, murder and suggestive themes.....huzzah


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## DHZCortez (Oct 30, 2008)

[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Chapter 1: Fantasy or Reality? 


"Please. Don't." That voice cried out to me, a voice that visited me every night. I heard a chuckle erupt below me, a wicked laugh that constantly haunted my dreams. I looked down as once again I floated there, suspended in the air. Below lay two figures both very familiar to me. The first was merely a cartoon character, the character that I watched everyday on TV, before things went haywire. I studied her body closely, as I did every time she visited me. Her fox-like features seemed so smooth on my eyes. And her body cried out to me. But this was not the state that I wished to see her in. She lay on the ground unable to move. Her ears, drenched in sweat, layed flat against her head. Tears dotted her face as she slowly closed her eyes in defeat. Her body quaked uncontrollable. And even her tail was soaked in sweat. As I stared at her in awe a single hand reached out to her, a mighty hand covered with a black glove, and the beings very fingers were the thickness of my wrist. My eyes were immediately torn from her, from Renamon, and now I was watching the creature that haunted me every night, the one I have come to call Cortez. His body was large enough to make any man kneel before him. And all he wore was a black suit. A smile exploded across his face as he lifted Renamon above him. 

"Did you really believe that you would escape that easily?" He spoke, while grasping Renamon by her tail and tossing her over his shoulder. I stared at them, unable to do anything and not even sure if I wanted to. Cortez began walking away getting further and further into the darkness. But all at once I was shaken awake. A single bead of sweat raced down my brow as I threw off the covers of my bed. At first I was lost, unable to recognize my own room. The only thing that I could think of  was his belt buckle, a golden sun. But quickly I came to my senses and crawled out of bed. I wiped the sweat away and made my way to the single window in my room. Looking out I saw my parent's van, and our small white garage. 

"Why? Why do these dreams haunt me? And ... Why do..." I stopped, unable to finish my sentence. But in my mind I continued. Why does she make me feel so... Pleasured. I hung my head ashamed of myself, ashamed of my feelings. Most people would say that no one knows how they truly feel. But I... I know how I feel. And I... I know that I SHOULDN'T feel this way. I turned away from the window and headed for the door. My stomach growled as I grasped the handle. Reminding me of the lack of food in the house. I opened the door and continued through the short staircase. Even though I knew that it would make matters worst I looked along the wall, at the pictures of my family. The last few weeks have been hard. On me, and probably on anyone left on Earth. Everyone has just, disappeared. Gone, without a trace. It started with my family, but then the neighbors. Of course when my family disappeared I called the cops, who started an investigation. But they didn't get anywhere. And then the phones quit working, along with the Internet, and the TV, and even the radio. 

I made my way pass the stairs and into the kitchen. Where stood a microwave, oven, coffee machine, all laying in ruin, scraps of what a world use to be. I made my way over to the only working appliance in the room, the large fridge. Sweat drenched fingers pulled the door open only to reveal the empty shelves.  But even though the fridge was empty, my stomach still insisted on protesting. I sighed as my mind grew dismayed at these events, and then went to do what I did every morning. Sit in front of the TV and pray that something happens. I slouched down on the couch, and starred mindlessly at the blank screen. I feared that the results would be the same as the last time, but still had to try. I reached under the cushion and pulled out the flat, gray remote and began mindlessly flipping channels. 


Elsewhere. 


The fight raged on across the city. Digimon were now appearing everywhere. Attacking anything and everything in sight, and the only ones that could even scratch the surface of these monsters now prowl in the heat of battle. 

"Renamon! Get up hurry!" Shouted Rika from the sidewalk. Standing beside her were both Takato and Henry, each shouting out their own commands. The city screamed in panic as digimon rampaged through the city. But the tamers managed to beat their way through the crowd to a peculiar enemy whose strength was like none they've ever witnessed. For they had stumbled upon a digimon called Metalmamemon. A small digimon clad in mechanical weapons and wanting only to kill everything moving. Guilmon grasped a hold of the digimon's mechanical arm, which instead of a hand at the end, was a huge gun that fired plasma shots that could easily clear the entire city. Metalmamemon chuckled to himself as he began firing his cannon, but luckily Guilmon had a hold of it, for the shots simply floated off into the sky, missing the panicked streets. Just as Guilmon was tossed effortlessly aside and Metalmamemon readied his cannon for another round Terriermon leapt onto him, along with Renamon who was back on her feat, ready to have a second bout with this digimon. Guilmon hadn't even hit the ground before readying himself for another attack. As soon as his feet touched the ground he leapt back into the brawl. 

"Guilmon! Get the cannon!" Hollered Takato, going horse just to be heard over the crowd. Guilmon lunged for Metalmamemon's arm but was to late this time. Three blasts shot out of the cannon flying into the city. Guilmon jumped up, as high as he could, trying to intercept the shots. But after being nailed to the ground by the first shot the second two raged towards the city. All of the tamers traced the path of the shots as they watched it slam into a building sending it toppling into the streets. Takato raced to Guilmon's side as his body bounced across the ground. But the other tamers starred helplessly at the falling ruble as it sped its way towards the screaming crowd. Out of no where lunged a great feline beast, known to the people as another demon attacking their city, but to the tamers as Leomon. Leomon was in and out before the rubble hit the ground, but as he rolled out a small girl toppled from his arms. Both Henry and Rika had lost their interest in the battle and were now watching Leomon and the girl. The girl said nothing, just simple walked to the rumble, which was now littered with corpses and twitching limbs. 

"Mother!!" She cried. Leomon made to comfort her but the girl turned in a rage when he touched her. "You beast! Go away! MOTHER!!" She hollered out kicking Leomon in the shin and running to the many corpses. Another girl ran to Leomon's side, his tamer Jeri. Leomon made another grab for the child, wanting to make her sobs stop, but Jeri pulled him away. 

"Leomon." She whispered. "Please. The others. They need us." Leomon took one last look at the bodies, and tore his gaze away, running towards the other tamers. Jeri followed him trying to be brave, trying not to cry. 

"Rika!" Shouted Renamon as she was once again flung to her knees. "We are losing this fight!" She shouted. 

"Right!" Rika replied grabbing for her d-arc and cards. Both Rika and Henry were torn back to reality, to the monstrosity that ravaged their home. But Takato was still at Guilmon's side, who was still lying there, hardly breathing, but still trying to get back to his feet. Rika fanned out her cards but she already knew what she was looking for, a blue card with no writing on it, but just the digimon logo. She quickly threw the other cards into her pocket as Leomon reached the tamers, leaping over Rika and Henry towards the ongoing battle. The tip of Rika's card met her D-arc when something cut into her flesh, forcing her to drop her card and bring her hands to the bleeding cut on her face. Henry looked away from his cards just in time to see more digimon entering the fray. A small band of Gotsumon marched towards them, hurling rocks and other pebbles at the tamers. 

"Terriermon let the others handle him. You get those guys!" Shouted Henry dodging another stone. Terriermon nodded in agreement and swiftly ducked under one of Metalmamemon's punches and out of the battle. The Gotsumon launched another assault of rocks upon the tamers, but Terriermon jumped in between them spinning in circles performing his terriertornado attack, which sent the stone back at the Gotsumon. The stones landed harmlessly on the ground in front of the Gotsumon, but bought Rika the extra time she needed to recover her card. But once again as she was about to swipe the card into her D-arc she was sent sprawling to the ground from an attack from behind, and not shortly after she hit the ground Henry followed. Renamon attempted once again to land a blow on Metalmamemon using her diamond storm, but each diamond bounced off of his hard metallic body. 

"Rika! Nothingâ€™s working!" She shouted behind her, not noticing the new digimon attacking the tamers. A Shellmon scraped it's body across the road, spraying it jet of water at the Tamer. Henry managed to escape, but Rika was not as lucky. The jet of water blasted her dead on sending her somersaulting further away from her card, and closer to the Gotsumon who were now pilling on top of Terriermon. 

"Guilmon, please you have to get up." Whispered Takato still kneeling over Guilmon. Just as Takato had given up hope Guilmon opened his eyes and spoke. 

"Takato... I'm hungry..." Whined Guilmon while climbing to his feet. 

"Ha. Come on eat later big guy! First we have to beat these digimon." 

"All of them Takato??" Guilmon continued to wine. 

"No, just until they quit destroying the city" Said Takato, knowing exactly what to say. Guilmon waited for a few moments, now standing and looking in at Renamon's battle. 

"Okeey dokeey. But then we eat." He growled while rushing back into the battle. Metalmamemon smirked as the extensions poked out of his back, Renamon readied to pounce the moment that he fired these new weapons. But instead of firing at Renamon, the extension spit fire out of the bottom, raising him slowly off of the ground. Guilmon froze, not knowing what to do as his enemy rose high above his head. Renamon, on the other hand, charged at the stunned Guilmon jumping into the air and off of Guilmon, once again knocking him to the ground, and sending her flying up at Metalmamemon. 

"Get off you bitch!" Hollered Metalmamemon as Renamon clung to his ankles. Both digimon struggled to stay airborne, Metalmamemon began randomly launching blasts from his cannon into buildings and the panicked crowds. Rika clung to her ribs, tears beginning to form in her eyes as more of the water blasted over her. Leomon, who had given up on catching Metalmamemon now, turned his attention to Shellmon and Rika as Jeri joined Henry aside from the battle. 

"RIKA!!" hollered Renamon as her and Metalmamemon burst into flame. 

"Guilmon!! You're hitting Renamon!" Hollered Takato. 

"She kicked me first!" Complained Guilmon releasing Metalmamemon and Renamon from his inferno. Leomon jumped between Rika and Shellmon blocking the water, but struggling to stay standing. Rika, still grasping her ribs began crawling to where her card lied, a mere ten feet away. 

"Takato! Help Terriermon!" Hollered Henry as he watched his defeated digimon being stoned by the Gotsumon. At this Guilmon rushed into the mob of Gotsumon, plowing them away from Terriermon, who lied limp on the ground. 


Meanwhile, in one of the two black towers that overlooked the city. 


"Hurry up! I want every operational monitor we have running! Get me every major news station, and even the minor ones. I want every camera we own running! I want to know where each and every one of these monsters are and what they are doing!" Barked a man wearing a complete black suit, and matching glasses. 

"Yes sir!" Replied two women sitting in front of him typing ferociously at the keyboards lying in front of them. The inside of the tower exploded with lights and sound as every square inch of the walls blared out a news broadcast or pictures of the city. 

"Yamaki." Spoke another women, dressed in the same white uniforms as the other two. 

"WHAT?!" Yamaki barked at her making her jump back a foot or two. 

"Sir, we have over three-thousand biomerges and raising by the second." She continued, straining to keep her soldier-like impression. 

"Where are they coming from?" He questioned. 

"The park, the streets, the nearby woods, stores, private homes, just about everywhere sir." She continued, now allowing the strain to be heard in her voice. Yamaki removed his glasses and massaged his temples before continuing. 

"Ok. Alert me if the count reaches four-thousand." Ordered Yamaki, who went back to staring at the monitors. The monitor directly in front of the two women flashed an image of Metalmamemon obliterating the apartment building, and one of the women stopped typing and allowed a gasp to escape her. Her mind froze with fear, and her eyes began to water. 

"Sir! Were at four-thousand and still climbing!" Spoke the third women as she approached Yamaki. 

"What's wrong?" Whispered the woman who was still typing away at the keyboard. 

"That...That house... My parents...And brother... They live there..." She spoke, still paralyzed by the picture. Yamaki was once again rubbing his temples. Running many scenarios through his mind. But only one would work. But that is if it works properly. 

"Ok. Everybody listen up." Hollered Yamaki. "Were going to run project Omega. But we need all the power possible." The third women stared at him, a look of complete fear on her face. 

"Sir. Omega does not yet have clearance, it's only a testing weapon." She spoke, now completely shattering her professional look. 

"It's the only thing we have. None of our other weapons are set to handle this many biomerges. Now I need these monitors off, the lights, everything except the computer consoles. And somebody start all of the back up generators." Everyone began plugging away at their tasks, the monitors shut down, and the lights went off, leaving the room lit only by the haze of the computer consoles. Yamaki watched as one of his computer Techs got up and made a beeline for the door. But he intercepted her. 

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" He hollered, practically spitting on her face. 

"Please, sir my family. Their building was attacked." She cried, breaking down in tears. 

"I guarantee you. If this program does not get running then your family will not even hold a fraction of the casualties." They stood there inches away from each other. In complete silence. 

"I'm... Sorry sir." She blubbered turning back towards her keyboard. 

"Well quit. You're not being paid to be sorry you're getting paid to follow orders!" Yamaki continued, still hollering. She sat down at her chair and resumed typing, while gasping for air in-between her sobs. 

"Tera?" He called." 

Sir?" the third woman replied 

"Give me an estimated time until detonation." 

"Yes Sir!" She replied moving towards her own small console at the other side of the room. Suddenly a large crash erupted through the room, and the building began shaking. 

"Nobody stop! If those beasts plow into this room you keep typing!" Yamaki called out. 

"Sir, five minutes until Omega project detonation." Tera cried out. 

"Tera, get me a weapon. I don't care what but get me something." 

"Yes sir!" She replied searching around for something. The room remained silent for what seemed as hours, but was only about thirty seconds before laughing and other sounds echoed from behind the doors. Tera slid back to Yamaki's side handing him a shotgun, and holding two magnums in her hands. 

" Where'd you get these?" Yamaki questioned. 

"The shotgun came from the janitor Sir." She replied 

"Is he allowed to carry this?" He pressed on, 

"No Sir." Tera answered. 

"When were done here, fix that, and get more." He replied dropping to one knee in front of the two doors. 

"Yes Sir." She replied standing behind him and aiming both guns above his head and at the doors. 

"And those?" 

"My personals." 

"Are you allowed to carry them?" 

"Um.. No Sir." 

"Also fix that." 

"And get more Sir?" She smirked. 

"Lots more." He replied also smirking. 

"Ok people we have a breach. They are in the tower. If anything comes through those doors Tera and I have it covered. You must keep working!" He hollered, gripping the trigger on his shotgun. The laughs and growls grew louder and louder as their shapes appeared behind the glass doors. All at once the room exploded as the doors flew off their hinges and digimon poured into the room. Both Yamaki and Tera pumped shot after shot into the digimon, while taking slow steps back towards the computer Techs. Tera now had her guns resting on Yamaki's shoulders, so that she wouldn't hit him in the back of the head. 


Meanwhile the tamers continue with their own struggle. 


"Rika! Do something!" Hollered Renamon now dangling from Metalmamemon's cannon, which was still firing into the crowds. Guilmon was now retreating from the Gotsumon with the beaten Terriermon lying on his back. Leomon was the only one making progress, he was now walking through the water towards the Shellmon, who was slowly backing away. Rika now lunged her arm out for the card grasping it like her life depended on it, which under the given circumstances, it probably did. But in the split seconds that it took for her to roll onto her back and swipe the card, a strange portal erupted behind the enemy digimon, Shellmon, the Gotsumon, and Metalmamemon with Renamon clinging to his arm. The portals began sucking these digimon away, but as Rika watched Renamon was also sucked into the portal behind Metalmamemon. And in another split second that complete terror had erupted in Rika's mind the portals closed leaving no trace of the digimon they engulfed. 

"NNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!" She hollered until her lungs couldn't take any more. She attempted to climb to her feet still screaming for Renamon. Takato, Henry, and Guilmon raced to her side, no one could think of anything to say. Anything to do. Takato helped raise her to her feet, but she attempted to run to where she had last seen her digimon and fell back to the ground. 

"Guys we better go." Whispered Henry watching the shadows of people coming down the roads, toward them. 

"Why?" Questioned Takato. 

"Lets see, a horde of digimon just attacked the city, now they are all gone, except ours, and here comes the peoples whose houses and families were just destroyed." Henry explained. Jeri and Leomon now joined the group, getting there just in time to hear Henry finish his explanation. 

"No! I'm not going anywhere!" Shouted Rika still trying to get to her feet. 

"Jeri. Go with Guilmon. I'll take Rika." Said Leomon picking the kicking and screaming Rika off the ground. 

"We'll go to Rika's house, but just take the back roads." Spoke Henry as the gang trotted off away from the crowds. 


Back in the towers. 


"I'm out of ammo." Whispered Tera. 

"Don't worry, so are they." Spoke Yamaki standing up and getting back to his place in the center of the room. "Well ladies, we have a success." He spoke trying to sound cheery. "Ok. You," He spoke pointing at the sobbing computer tech. "You can go find your family. But no matter what, we need you back here A.S.A.P. Lets not forget you still have a very important job." 

"Yes Sir." She spoke jumping up and racing down the hall. 

"Matter of fact, if anyone wants to go find their families feel free to. But this isnâ€™t a vacation people! We wonâ€™t have power forâ€¦. Probably two hours, I want these desks filled by time the lights come on." Spoke Yamaki. The second computer tech walked out, along with the janitor, and a few other staff. 

"Tera?" Questioned Yamaki. 

"My family is on vacation Sir." She spoke. 

"Ok. Get those guns certified and get more. But be back before the electricity comes back." Yamaki spoke collapsing in his chair. 

"Yes Sir." She spoke while marching out of the room. When she left Yamaki once again removed his glasses and began rubbing his temples. 


At Rika's 


Rika was now lying in her bed with the other tamers gathered around her. Leomon and Jeri sat there, both knew something had happened to Renamon, but neither of them dared ask what. It was finally Guilmon who broke the silence. 

"Takato." He wined "Where's Renamon?" Nobody answered "Takato?" He tried again. 

"She... She's gone." Takato whispered. 

"Gone? Where'd she go?" Guilmon pressed on. But once again there was no answer. "Takato?" 

"She's gone. Deleted! She is no more!" Hollered Rika, crying once again. "Along with my Grandmother, and mom!" 

"But, she cant be..." Whined Guilmon. Throwing the room into silence once again. 

"Look... Rika I have to go... I need to.. To make sure my parents are ok." Whispered Takato. 

"Yeah. Us to." Spoke Henry as he and Jeri stood up. 

"Guys..." She called out. "Please stay here with me tonight." She spoke, still trying to contain her tears. 

"Rika... Keep the digimon here tonight. It's not safe for them out there. I'll... I'll try to." Spoke Takato 
"Ill try too" spoke Henry, Jeri, unable to speak without breaking down just nodded her head. 


Somewhere?? 


"RENAMON!!!" The voice rung throughout my head. Forcing me awake. I leapt nearly to the ceiling, as I became fully awake. Only a dream, only a dream I thought to my self. Who was that? I rubbed my forehead trying to get a face. But the voice was the only thing I could remember. I looked up, at that dammed blank screen again. 

"Screw you!" I hollered hurling the remote into the TV. I rose to my feet and stormed away, back to my room muttering multiple curses under my breath. When I got to my room I went right back to my window, staring out at the garage and behind that the woods behind my house. I Sighed as I made my way outside. The woods were a place that I could always find peace. Always find the answers to the questions I had. Perhaps... just a thought though.. I could find the answer to this problem. I made my way pass the weeds and into the thick trees until I came to familiar spot, a small tree in a clearing, and a wall of thorns encasing the clearing, only breaking in two places. I entered through one of these brakes, and sat on the ground with my back propped against the tree in the middle. I lied there, eventually falling asleep once again. [/FONT]


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## DHZCortez (Oct 30, 2008)

[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']At Takato's house. 


Takato reached his hand out holding the door handle, not knowing if he wanted to know the answer about his parents. But Takato overcame his fear, ignoring the doubts within his head. And pulled the door open. 

"Mom! Dad!" Takato called out entering the bakery. There was a lot of shuffling and crying coming down the hallway, as both of Takato's parents came into the bakery. Takato's mom lunged at him, nearly smothering him with her inhuman hug. 

"You're ok!" she cried out along with some other words, but Takato couldn't understand a word of this. And merely wrapped an arm around his mom. His dad on the other hand was just standing against a wall, watching his son. 

"Ya... Mom... you're choking me." Takato gasped for air as his mom released him. "Ya. I'm fine. When things got hectic me, Henry, and Jeri took off." Takato spoke, feeling that his mom was reassured. But his dad still stood against the wall glaring at him. "Hey. Mom, dad. Rika wants me to stay with her tonight." He spoke, now staring at the ground. Both parents found this as a bit of a surprise, and stared at each other not knowing what to say. When finally his mom spoke. 

"Um... Takato.. Is there something going on.. With you and Rika?" At this Takato nearly died trying not to bust up laughing. 

"No... She... She lost both her mother, and grandmother." And Renamon. He almost blabbed. "She wants me, Henry, and Jeri to stay with her." Once again his parents stared at each other, his mother muttering O my god. Over and over. 

"How... How about you guys come over here?" Questioned his mom, not liking the thought of her baby staying the night at a girl's house, without any adults. 

"She doesn't want to... Henry already tried to get her to stay at his house." He lied. Once again his parents looked at each other, when finally his dad moved away from the wall and towards Takato. 

"Takato? Is this one of those things that even if we say no, you're gonna do it anyway?" Questioned his dad, folding his arms. But Takato didn't answer, he just stared at the floor. 

"Right. Fine you can go. But I want to talk to you before you go, in your room." He finished unfolding his arms and heading to the back of the bakery, pass his and his wife's room, and moving up the stairs to Takato's room. Takato went to follow, but was stopped by his mother, who had managed to stop crying. 

"Takato...I love you." She spoke. 

"I know mom. I love you to." He answered continuing to his room. When he got there his dad was leaning against the window. 

"Shut the door." His dad spoke. Takato reached behind him closing the door. 

"So... These creatures? What do you have to do with them?" His dad asked. Takato felt as if he had just been hit in the gut. Did his dad know? Or was he simple questioning him? 

"Nothing dad... Why?" 

"Takato. They showed a scene on the news, of the first building that fell." His dad pressed on. Shit! Takato thought to himself. He saw us, or perhaps, just me. "It wasn't a good shot but, In the corner of the screen I saw you kids. And the digimon fighting each other. Now what do you have to do with these creatures?" His dad repeated. 

"Umm.. Does mom?" Takato started. Deciding he'd better come clean. 

"No, she didn't see it." He answered. 

"Those creatures... Are digimon. You know like from the cartoons." Started Takato, who was once again looking at the ground. 

"Ok... So a bunch of cartoon characters just attacked our city?" His dad pressed on. 

"Well, they aren't just cartoon characters. They are AI's that have become real. Please dad, I don't know how." Explained Takato wishing that he were anywhere but here. 

"Ok. I'll accept that. But how are you kids involved?" He pressed on. 

"Well... Each of us has a digimon partner... we... they just kinda appeared." Takato shifted around, still staring at the floor. 

"So these cartoon characters appear and?" 

"Well, they weren't blowing stuff up. So we hung out with them, hid them.... Then others began appearing, but these ones were blowing stuff up and causing trouble. So we... We'd go out and fight them." Finished Takato. 

"So you've been sneaking out and fighting these creatures, these digimon. With out anyone knowing. Takato. Why didn't you tell us?" 

"Because I knew you'd try to stop me." Said Takato not able to think of anything else to say. There was a small pause, neither of them saying anything, just standing there, 

"Why... Why do you feel that you have to do this?" His dad questioned. 

"Well.. Because were the only ones that can." Answered Takato now staring at his dad. Once again there was silence, nobody could say anything. 

"Takato. I don't want you doing this... But I know that you are right... We saw just what people could do to them... WE can't do anything. So... Be careful... And don't let your mother find out." Takato sighed with relief as he made towards his closet, grabbing his sleeping bag. Some cloths, and an assortment of other things that he might need. His dad on the other hand stood there watching him. "So.. What all happened with Rika? She didn't look to good on the news." Spoke his father. Takato flung his backpack over his shoulder and turned to face his dad. 

"She.. She got banged up pretty bad in the fight... And when the digimon disappeared, hers did too. So, Henry, Jeri and I had to drag her away. But when we got to her house, she couldn't find her mother or grandmother." Spoke Takato. 

"Well... Her mother and grandmother could turn up after things get cleaned up." His father spoke, trying to find a bright side. 

"I know." Spoke Takato heading for the door. 

"Takato." Called his dad. Takato turned around as his dad approached him. 

"Be careful." He spoke, reaching both arms out and embracing his son, who blinked away his fears, and doubts, and hugged his father. 

"I will." He replied, releasing his dad and making his way out of his house, and back to Rika's. 


Somewhere?? 


This time neither the digimon Renamon, nor Cortez was in my dream but still I could not sleep. I was racing through the woods, streets, fields, screaming for someone. Anyone. Not wanting to be alone. But I stopped dead in my tracks, as the world came to an end. In the woods the trees disappeared, along with the ground, and the sky. Darkness took its place. I fell to the ground, not ready to make such a sudden stop. And before I could get to my feet the ground crumbled underneath me, sending me into the endless abyss. 

"Where'd you all go!!!!" I hollered in to the woods. Once again being thrown awake. My voice echoed through the silenced woods. Where nothing made a sound, the trees stood perfectly still, there was never the slightest breeze, and the only sounds I heard, were made by myself. I rose to my feet, still feeling deadly tired, even though I've been sleeping for most of the days since everyone went missing. But I feared sleep. Beside for the dreams, a small voice in the back of my mind cried out to me not to sleep. Even the slumber I had gotten did not feel like sleep. But yet even when awake things felt like a dream, like... Like I was growing thin, not just physically but mentally. The feeling was so... Alien, and so horrid. 


Somewhere?? High in the sky. 


"So cold. It's so cold." I struggled to speak. It was so hard, such a challenge but I managed to peel my eyes open as my fears were confirmed. I felt like I was falling. Plummeting down. And as my eyes opened I looked up seeing the shinning sun, and a number of clouds. I rolled over, so I could look down, towards my destination. Fear struck me hard, I was falling, miles above the ground, racing towards an ocean of trees. "Is this it? Is this what it feels like to be deleted?" I, Renamon spoke. It was a few seconds when I could make out the house, and the trees in which I was about ready to crash into. "Rika... I'm sorry.. I failed you." I whispered closing my eyes and preparing for the pain. In another three seconds I lied on the ground, eyes open, but unable to see. I could feel blood dripping from my ears, as I lied there. Unable to move. Slowly shapes started to appear before me. But nothing made sense. One of the shapes moved looking over me. The pain... So intense.. Like nothing I've experience in battle. The shape moved again, this time making a sound. 

"Re... RENAMON!?!?" Cried the shape. Moving closer. 

"I'm... Sorry Rika." I spoke through the blood in my mouth, before my vision left me again, and I completely blacked out.[/FONT]


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## DHZCortez (Oct 30, 2008)

Well, that was the end of the first chapter, now please, rip it apart. Also I know about the FONT things at the beginning of each post, for some reason when I copied the story from word to the forum it put those in, and if I try to delete them in the editor it tells me I exceeded the character limit.


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## M. LeRenard (Oct 30, 2008)

I only read up to the first break, as I'm getting ready for bed, but I can see a number of stylistic things you'd want to work on.
1) It's awfully melodramatic.  Some people like this, some people don't, but the one guarantee is that if you do it you need to do it very, very well for it to be effective.  All of the ellipses, repeating of words, capitalization, things like that... not doing it for me.  One effective test for this kind of thing is to read your work aloud to a friend with all of the dramatizations that are implied in the way you punctuate it.  If your friend starts to giggle, you're gonna' need to fix something.  But this is mostly opinion.
What isn't opinion is that you shouldn't have to rely on gimmicks to portray a certain atmosphere through your words.  So if you do anything, take out the aforementioned ellipses, capitalization, and those kinds of things, and replace them with stronger words and a more forceful style, clearer images, etc.  This will definitely enhance the piece.
2)Go over your rules for period and comma usage again.  It feels like you're almost just throwing them in there at random, wherever it strikes your fancy to use them.  There's a logic to it, and if you don't follow that logic your sentences won't make very much sense.
3)Along those same lines, you have a habit of sticking two ideas that don't belong together in the same sentence.  An example of this would be: "My stomach growled as I grasped the handle."  You have to understand that what this implies is that there's some connection between his stomach growling and the reason he's grasping the handle.  If this was a refrigerator, it would make sense, but, from what I gathered, it was just a door to another room.  Connected ideas need to go together in a logical way.  The same goes for paragraphs, which is another area you need to work on.  Learning to group things coherently is the first step to having a truly natural and easy flow to your writing.  Otherwise, the reader feels like he's being jerked around from idea to idea with no rhyme or reason, and he'll soon get bored and confused.
4)Proofread, proofread, proofread.  Small, easily avoidable areas are everywhere in this piece.  Don't just rely on spell-checker.
5)Description is mostly dry or non-existent.  Lose the generalities and focus in on specific details.  The microwave, stove, and coffee machine are in ruins, but how so?  Maybe pieces of the microwave's window are spilled across the floor, the stove's door is bent inward at a 45 degree angle, the coffee machine is dangling from the wall by a cord that looks like it could snap off at any second?  Give the kinds of details that will cause the reader to infer exactly what you want him to; the oven's door is bent in because the MC beat on it with a baseball bat during a bout of insane loneliness, the coffee machine is hanging from the cord because he never got the energy to put it back on the counter where it used to sit, etc.  For this kind of piece especially, the description needs to be there both to give the reader a picture of the place as it looks, but also as a way to give the reader a picture of the place as a place, which is to say with history, something that's been painted by the people who live there.  The description, in other words, should tell the story that you don't have time for in your exposition of what's going on right now.

So then, with the bad out of the way, I'll add that you've got a good sense of when to keep things tense (so far as the overall storyline, anyhow); the cut-away after he picks up the remote is great, because it drags us into the next scene wondering why he spends most of him time at the TV.  You also introduce the idea that he's the only one left in the world right in the middle of the exposition, like it was just something the narrator assumes would be obvious; this is also good, because it brings in some background information without breaking the pace of the story.  So you've got pace and tension going for you.  Try to fix the other things, and it'll be pretty solid.

Hope that helps.


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## TakeWalker (Oct 30, 2008)

I think you need to learn the definition of 'synopsis'.


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## DHZCortez (Oct 30, 2008)

M.Le Renard,

First off thanks for the great review. I understand what you're saying about the comma use, and I'm getting told that alot. >.< I'm hopeing on working on alot of this with the re-write. The details, as someone else pointed out, was more of a tell instead of show. The majority of my rewrite will probably be trying to paint the canvas for the readers. Also thanks for the comment on putting two unrelated topics together, this is the first time someone's pointed this out, and yet it makes sense. I hope I was able to catch your interest enough to finish, and to help with the other chapters.

Takewalker

I know what a synopsis is, that was just the closest word I could come up with for what I was trying to say.


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## TakeWalker (Oct 30, 2008)

'Warning" perhaps. Seeing gore, death and murder listed as the sole elements of a story kind of makes me not want to read it.  But, I will try and check this out later.


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## DHZCortez (Nov 11, 2008)

ok. Thanks for your interest guys. I'm going to go ahead and put up the second chapter tonight, though I'm still interested in hearing opinions on the first chapter. From now on if you could say what chapter your review is for on the first line I'd be grateful, thanks.


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