# Critique My Opening



## ScottyDM (Sep 11, 2009)

Greets, Peeps!

In another post obsidianobelisk lamented the difficulty of coming up with a great opening for his stories. I recalled another writers' forum where they had a thread specifically to critique each others' openings. Actually it was "Critique My First Line," but even the pros will sometimes lead with a dull first line, then smack the reader upside the head with an awesome second line -- as a calculated effort, of course.

So here's the deal. Whether you need help or you'd just like to bask a bit, post your story's opening. Expect that others will comment on and maybe even pick apart your opening -- so no whining!


Please do not include story notes, character biographies, notes about your storyworld, or other junk. Imagine your story has been professionally published. There is the first page -- beautiful black ink on a perfect sheet of paper. What does the reader see? The title and the opening paragraphs. That's it. Now if you have an opening quote between the title and first paragraph then include it, but otherwise this is all about your opening.

Also, 200 words tops. If you need less then less is fine. The idea is, will the reader turn the page and keep reading?


As an example I will kick this off with the next post.

S-


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## ScottyDM (Sep 11, 2009)

The first paragraph (complete).


> *Attention Span Theater: Odd Dog*​
> Whatâ€™s my most embarrassing moment? Is Eddieâ€™s, â€˜cept he canâ€™t tell ya so I hafta for â€˜im. Eddie was my bestest friend an one day we was playin in a round-nut tree behind the yellow box these two-legs live in, â€˜cept the round-nuts wanâ€™t ready â€˜cause it wanâ€™t round-nut time yet. I love round-nuts. Ya love round-nuts? Theyâ€™s all round anâ€”


Thanks!

S-


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## TakeWalker (Sep 11, 2009)

See, that's a good opening. I have no idea what the story might be, but I'm immediately drawn to the character, and that's a compelling thing to take from an opening.  I suppose I ought to find one to post here myself, since I spend so much time on them...



> *To the Wolves*​
> The first straw slips from between my hoofed fingertips and I inhale.  That initial draw, like those from years past, when old Imala was Holder, is never satisfying.  Is the straw long or short?  It certainly looks long.  But the year we lost our seer, Meda, the straw had been as long as her finger, and everyone thought she was saved.  Then Halona pulled one a hand's-length long and we lost Meda to the wolves.  So I don't release my breath until the second draw.


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## Gavrill (Sep 11, 2009)

Take, yours really draws me in. It kind of confuses me, but in a good way (I want to figure out what you mean). 

It doesn't have a title yet, but...


> I was never the superstitious type. The graveyard across from my house was just a graveyard. The church was just a church. There was no deep meaning, no symbolism, and no reason to care. I wish it had stayed that way.


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## Dementiality (Sep 11, 2009)

How suspenseful, and eerie!


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## Fallenfeather (Sep 11, 2009)

After the ash cloud cleared from the impact of the meteor the whole area around the impacted area turned  into a giant ocean of molten rock,and the two dragons stood in the center of a lava ocean on a circular arena.
Tylon stood crossing his arms, and gave a evil grin at Colm then looked up as he spoke in laid back voice,"Colm do you think you can defeat a god?"
   Colm's body was shaking trying to stay up on one knee, and his body was complete torn up with scratches and bruises."Tylon you are not a god your just like the rest of us..,"He said as he got up on his two legs, and stretched out his wings ready for a fight.
  Tylon, still crossing his arms, gave his head a quick knock to the side,"Hmph, I'm more of a god than your ignorance, come show me what you got."


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## TakeWalker (Sep 12, 2009)

Shenzebo said:


> Take, yours really draws me in. It kind of confuses me, but in a good way (I want to figure out what you mean).



I think that's always been my 'strategy' with openings (when I'm thinking about them, anyway): confuse the reader just enough that they want to figure out what's going on.

As for yours, that last line is a nice clincher. :3 Definitely draws you in.


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## Chex (Sep 12, 2009)

First paragraph:



> There was a saying, that the world wasn't black and white, but shades of gray. The sentiment, however, never seemed to apply where it was due. If anything, the country was made of white, sun and beauty, but in the city, in the slums, everything was black shadows who played tricks and jabbed at weak spots even in the most fearless of passers-by. And then, there were the labs.


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## TakeWalker (Sep 12, 2009)

Chex said:


> First paragraph:



I can't tell if that's effective or not. You've got an attention-grabber with that final sentence (what labs? what's going on in them?), but it's drowned out somewhat by the onrush of wordplay. Which, I should mention, is quite artistic, but doesn't tell me if this is going to be a worthwhile _story_. Honestly, I'm of two minds as to whether I'd keep going with it.


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## JonaWolf (Sep 13, 2009)

Since I'm trying to get back to writing after a long stretch of being blocked and otherwise occupied, this seems like a good idea.

First paragraph of an incomplete short story that's been gathering dust on my hard drive....

Empty streets basking under the gentle touch of autumn twilight beckoned with a haunting call. A few golden leaves lay piled in hidden corners, stirring only as a pair of feet stepped quickly and lightly past them. The click of claws on worn pavement trickled into the alleyways as cool air blanketed the bones of the city. A shadow moved among the ruins, crawling along broken walls, angling across deserted streets and hiding amid piles of rubble that darkened with the fading twilight.


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## TShaw (Sep 13, 2009)

Since the title says critique my opening here goes;

Scotty; that opening does have me interested. The first line has me expecting a humorous story and the rest opens it up to where Iâ€™m expecting a tale of misadventure from a couple country bumpkins.

Takewalker; plenty of suspense already. Almost has me holding my own breath waiting to know what the stakes are. This would have me thoroughly interested unless or until you slip up and let me off the hook.

Shenzbo; Does have potential to keep me reading. Thereâ€™s just too little here to be sure. I tend to read further before making any judgments on whether a story is worthwhile. The final line in what you do have is a very good beginning though.

Fallenfeather; Unfortunately this has all the earmarks of a Mary Sue story. Two characters standing in liquid hot magma from some kind of catastrophe claiming godhood. I wouldnâ€™t read any further. Sorry.

Chex; hit me as kind of impersonal. I always tend to get interested in stories that has either something I can relate to or have an emotional reaction to. This does good in laying the groundwork for whatâ€™s to come but the real interest doesnâ€™t show up until the last line.

Jonawolf; Sets the mood well before anything to get my full interest. In noticing the mood youâ€™re creating I felt myself internally readying to set it aside or keep reading whether it would have continued in one of two directions I started to anticipate. To be fair I donâ€™t recall reading too much of your work so Iâ€™d likely keep going until I had my worst fears confirmed. I should also explain that this start seems to me typical of so many of the countless â€˜Iâ€™m an angsty teen filled with self absorbed depressing crapâ€™. Hopefully you were going elsewhere with this.


Ok, so now itâ€™s your turn to rip mine apart. Seems only fair.


I sat where theyâ€™d left me, I had little choice in the matter. I was chained to a metal desk that was in turn bolted to the floor with the chair facing the typically large mirror that was no doubt a two way. Even though the handcuffs and chains allowed some freedom of movement I sat staring at my reflection with arms crossed and resting atop one another on the desktop in front of me. I wondered how atypical my relaxed attitude to my own reflection was to those that were likely still watching on the other side of the glass. 

I intuitively knew this to be one of their favorite methods of â€˜breakingâ€™ someone they suspected of committing what they considered misdeeds. I could find no memory of having done anything that would raise even the faintest specter of guilt in me. I stared at the reflection maintaining the casual observation of my own image. I wish I knew why I was here, and why I had no memory of my life prior to waking some thirty hours ago.


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## TakeWalker (Sep 13, 2009)

TShaw said:


> Takewalker; plenty of suspense already. Almost has me holding my own breath waiting to know what the stakes are.



It's there, read again. 



TShaw said:


> I sat where theyâ€™d left me, I had little choice in the matter. I was chained to a metal desk that was in turn bolted to the floor with the chair facing the typically large mirror that was no doubt a two way. Even though the handcuffs and chains allowed some freedom of movement I sat staring at my reflection with arms crossed and resting atop one another on the desktop in front of me. I wondered how atypical my relaxed attitude to my own reflection was to those that were likely still watching on the other side of the glass.
> 
> I intuitively knew this to be one of their favorite methods of â€˜breakingâ€™ someone they suspected of committing what they considered misdeeds. I could find no memory of having done anything that would raise even the faintest specter of guilt in me. I stared at the reflection maintaining the casual observation of my own image. I wish I knew why I was here, and why I had no memory of my life prior to waking some thirty hours ago.



This reminds me just a bit of that one story I wrote that one time. :V You know, that one.

But seriously, I have two major comments. The first is that (again) you've caught me with that last line. I mean, sure, he's chained to a desk, they're trying to break him, but that he doesn't remember anything is intriguing. I do like how you 'zoomed out', so to speak, in unfolding this scene.

The other comment is that this seems fairly impersonal. I mean, sure, he's been awake for thirty hours, but he sure is calm considering what's going on. If he doesn't remember anything about himself, how can he be so sure that this breaking method won't work on him? (Also, I don't like the 'intuitively' up there, but that's really really minor. c.c)


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## JonaWolf (Sep 14, 2009)

TShaw said:


> Jonawolf; Sets the mood well before anything to get my full interest. In noticing the mood youâ€™re creating I felt myself internally readying to set it aside or keep reading whether it would have continued in one of two directions I started to anticipate. To be fair I donâ€™t recall reading too much of your work so Iâ€™d likely keep going until I had my worst fears confirmed. I should also explain that this start seems to me typical of so many of the countless â€˜Iâ€™m an angsty teen filled with self absorbed depressing crapâ€™. Hopefully you were going elsewhere with this.



Thanks for the critique. 

Angsty teen self-absorbed depressing crap? In a word, no. This story, should I ever finish it, will be something else entirely. It's not exactly a happy story the way it sits at the moment, but it was never meant to be in the first place.


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## Stawks (Sep 15, 2009)

TShaw: I like the opening, 'cause it sets up a decent story, especially if you dig the whole amnesia angle, but most of the sentences come off as awkward. For example, 'typically large mirror' could have just been 'large mirror.' Less is almost always more.

This is something I just started working on... I know where it's going but won't tell you 



> The Captain was a big brown bear who had apparently gotten the idea that fur-tight, light-blue jumpers were slimming. When he walks I swear you can hear the thing straining with the effort. It deserves a medal, more so than anyone else on this boat.
> 
> 
> His big command chair creeks, as he leans forward and brings the com to his maw. â€œ_Huron Station_ this is_ Poor Yorick_... _Poor Yorick_ hailing _Huron Station._â€ He lets a few moments go by and repeats. He shakes his head and looks morose.


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## Murphy Z (Sep 15, 2009)

> Greets, Peeps!



I'm intrigued. Peeps could be homeys or little chickens or marshmallow treats, I'll have to read on and see. 



> Whatâ€™s my most embarrassing moment?



What is it about embarrassing things that make it so interesting?   



> The first straw slips from between my hoofed fingertips and I *inhale*.  That initial *draw* ...



Well, first I had to realize the character wasn't smoking a straw.  So I guess you had me interested (my fault for mistranslating). I was interested when I read it right too. 



> After the ash cloud cleared from the impact of the meteor...



Is this a prologue or a self contained fight?



> There was a saying, that the world wasn't black and white, but shades of gray ... labs.



Like TW I'd have to see the second paragraph, but at least I want to see it.



> Empty streets basking under the gentle touch of autumn twilight beckoned with a haunting call...



I'd read it as long as the whole story wasn't over-descriptive (I tend to go in the opposite direction).



> I sat where theyâ€™d left me, I had little choice in the matter...



I would read it, but I'm a little concerned about the amnesia part, it could go wrong (like someone having selective amnesia where they remember things needed for the plot)



> The Captain was a big brown bear who had apparently gotten the idea ...



I hope he's wearing a captain's hat like the Gilligan's Island captain. I want to know more.

Here's my story I just started, and it stars my fursona:

"The Tooth Fairy vs The Monster Under the Bed"

      My name is Murphy Z, and I'm a platypus tooth fairy. I know, we don't have teeth, but if your barber were bald, would he cut your hair any differently than if he had a head full of hair?
      The other thing people ask is "isn't your job really easy? Don't you just reach under a pillow, grab a tooth, then put some money there?" Then they usually look down at my wand holstered on my kilt and ask "do you really need that much magical fire power?" Read this and decide for yourself.


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## TakeWalker (Sep 15, 2009)

Murphy Z said:


> Well, first I had to realize the character wasn't smoking a straw.  So I guess you had me interested (my fault for mistranslating). I was interested when I read it right too.



What does it say that you thought about smoking and not... y'know, drawing straws? c.c



Murphy Z said:


> My name is Murphy Z, and I'm a platypus tooth fairy. I know, we don't have teeth, but if your barber were bald, would he cut your hair any differently than if he had a head full of hair?
> The other thing people ask is "isn't your job really easy? Don't you just reach under a pillow, grab a tooth, then put some money there?" Then they usually look down at my wand holstered on my kilt and ask "do you really need that much magical fire power?" Read this and decide for yourself.



You had me at 'platypus tooth fairy'. XD


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## M. LeRenard (Sep 15, 2009)

This thread is a good idea.  Thanks, Scotty.  Panzer ought to put this in his sticky.
Okay, here we go.  This will mostly be opinion, I guess, so don't take offense if I apparently hate something.
*Scotty*: The title was more intriguing to me than the intro, actually.  Mostly I'm turned off by the number of apostrophes and the stupid-child narrator.  It's one of those, "Gawd, I hope the whole story isn't written like this," moments.  I'm sure some would enjoy it, but when I read this, I know it's not for me.  I guess it does its job, in that whoever is going to like it will know immediately, and the rest can put it down and walk away.
*Take*: Oh yeah.  This does about everything right.  Gets us into the setting immediately, gives us a weird occurrence to ponder, maintains the suspense.  That's a star intro right there.
*Shenzebo*: Uses a very old trick, which is to set up a normal-sounding setting, then hit us with the suspenseful twist.  It's pretty standard for an intro, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it could use a little more creativity in layout.
*Fallenfeather*: Starts right in the middle of the action, which is good.  It promises a lot, so it leaves me wondering if you can deliver throughout the rest of the story.  Which I suppose means that I would keep reading, which is the goal.  But it just kind of picks you up and shakes you around and says, "Dammit, look at me!"
*Chex*: Unusual language and imagery.  It gives promise to the style of the rest of the piece.  But there's not much said; all we know now is that the cities are ugly, the country is pretty, and the labs are something else.  To me, that's kind of a weak hook.
*JonaWolf*: Rather wordy for so little being said.  Essentially what we've got here is that someone is walking on an Autumn day.  I think you need a bit more than that; pretty language is a good hook for a poem, but not for a story.  Action, characters, setting; these are the things your intro should concentrate on most.
*TShaw*:  The fact that he's acting so nonchalant makes it more intriguing than it otherwise would have been.  The whole amnesia thing doesn't do much for me, though, because it's a pretty old idea.  The first paragraph is a better hook than the second, I think.
*Stawks*: Like the character, and I wonder what's going on.  I guess that's all I can ask for.
*Murphy*: It's one of those stories that make you go, 'What the hell?' but in a good way.  I guess the hook here is just the bizarreness, plain and simple.  With an intro like that, you have to make doubly sure that it perfectly sets up the atmosphere for the rest of the story, because we'll be disappointed otherwise.

Okay.  My opinions on everything.  Here's the thrice-revamped intro to my [other] novel.
*Language warning!*


> He tried to run, even though he knew at this point that he was pretty much fucked on that level.
> They knocked him over and dragged him upright, lifted him up until only his red bushy tail was touching the cobblestones, shook him around a bit, and shoved him up against the wall of the building across from the pub.  When he caught his breath, he smirked.  "Oh hey," he said.  "I almost didn't recognize you guys."


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## TakeWalker (Sep 16, 2009)

Hah! Yet another twist on the twist opening. Immediate action, immediate capture of attention (Why can't he run? Okay, now why's he being beaten up?), and then you find out he knows these darling gentlefolk, so I'm fairly certain this is going to be highly entertaining. :3


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## Keaoden (Sep 17, 2009)

> *A Night in the Mountains
> *She lazily opened her blue eyes from one of the most restful sleeps she ever had. Pushing herself up into a sitting position it took her a little while to remember where she was. She was resting in the middle of a small cave that inclined upward into the side of the mountain, looking around she soon realized that she was completely naked, still groggy from just waking up this failed to bother her. No one was around so, why should it matter. She caressed her subtle female form for a little while, still feeling the fading body heat of another. Soon she spied her clothes, neatly laid out on a few rocks a yard or two away.​



* Takewalker: *A straight up hook right there, made me wish there was just a little more there so I could keep reading.

*Shenzebo:* A simple beginning that leads into a nice little bit of wondering on the reader's part. A good first paragraph.
*
M. Le Renard:* A fight scene thrown right up at you is an awesome start, in an instant so many questions pop up. Along with a quick next to seamless bit of description shows off the setting.


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## TakeWalker (Sep 17, 2009)

Keaoden, thanks, I think I'll have to link to that story around here somewhere once I finish it. c.c;;

As for your opening, it almost doesn't work, and it almost does. The downside is the immediate beginning feels like a "regular sort of day" opening. That changes around the phrase "fading body heat of another". Then I start going, "Okay, who's this other?" (Of course, I know, I saw your thread. :B) So, yeah. You're right in the middle. That's my take on it.


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## NaotaM (Sep 20, 2009)

I tend to start stories at a slow burn, letting the charactes and plot have time to build and stack. Hopefully, it's well-written enough for the setting and bits of Natsumi's personality and style as a teacher to come out clear.

"The first lazy flakes of snow floated on the chill wind, air colored with the din of city traffic, construction, and the uproar of holiday celebration, outside the tall, graffiti-colored building where Natsumi taught. The cramped classroom was packed shoulder-to-shoulder with restless young students, human and zulian, fidgeting in their seats, tails, wings and ears flicking at each loud oppressive tick of the clock, staring out into space or hammering out messages on their cell phones. 

  Natsumi scratched away at the blackboard, eyes darting between the board and her watch, filling the room with the incessant â€œsqueak-squeak-squeakâ€ of scraping chalk. When she finished, she breathed a sigh of relief, clapped the dust from her hands and faced her class. The anxious students picked up on the sudden silence and gave her their rapt attention.

  â€œAll right then.â€ She started, a renewed flash of life behind her liquid, violet eyes. â€œI donâ€™t like spending my winter vacation here any more than you do. Weâ€™ve come this far, now letâ€™s get this last dayâ€™s lesson outta the way and we can finally get out and have some fun, right?â€ She said, a certain fire tinging her words. Her class responded in kind with an emphatic â€œRight!â€ "


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## NaotaM (Sep 20, 2009)

Oh, right. Critiquing. Be warned, very brutally honest. Let's see...

ScottyDM: Yikes. Story sounds like it could be cute and fun, but I'm not thrilled at reading an entire story written like that. Dialect is a delicate thing and should be used sparingly and sensibly, and using it in first-person is always potentially dicey. I'd tone it back a bit.

Take: I...think I can take a good guess as to exactly where this plotline is heading and that's almost always a story killer for me, even if it turns around and proves me wrong. It's very well-written, but I wouldn't read. I need plot hooks, not narrative ones, to get drawn into a story. I realize that's more a personal thing, though...

Shenzebo: It's really short. Can't gather any character or plot or anything other than it's probably about th supernatural. Don't really have an opinion.

FallenFeather: Grammer and typos aside, it's kinda...meh. It has the potential to be epic action, and being an anime nerd, I can get into that, but that prose and dialogue seem kinda drab. Use mood, atmosphere, feeling and style, especially with action. I don't wanna just be told he's bruised and his knees are wobbly; I wanna see his weary muscles bulge as he forces himself up by the hilt of his word, sputtering in wracking pain and fighting just to suck in his next breath. I wanna see him lunge at the enemy, his face morced into a mask of sheer rage. I wanna feel the oppresive heat, hear the vicious clangs of steel slamming steel. You've got to hammer down the feelings and reality of the characters and the narrative purpose of the scene and imbue its' essence into every word and action.

Chex: It's kinda just description. Again, can't really form an opinion. Perhaps add a few more paragraphs if you can fit them, give us more to work with.

Jona: Same as Chex. I start stuff slowly as well, so again, a few more paragraphs would (hopefully) add some action and plot to see.

Tshaw: Well-written, but it doesn't grab me, considering what it is. It reads like he's just kinda sittin around. Maybe if he just snapped out of unconcioussness and the description flowed as he looked around and noticed his predicament. Alos, amnesia never bodes well to my insufferable pickyness, and it presents a plot hole; how does he find all this so "typical" if he doesn't remember anything before being knocked out and put in this chair which he's apperantly been in for _thirty hours_HOLY SHIT 0-0

Stawks: For some reason, this doesn't really feel like an opening to me. I guess it's the quick, casual way it just starts with describing the Captain. It's pretty humorous though. If the rest is like this, I'd definitely give it a shot.

Murphy Z: I'd personally elaborate a little more on the dialogue going on here, use it as an excuse to flex my snark muscles to pump up the humor from the get-go while getting the narrator's character across. But the premise is _just _bizzare enough to hook me. I'd probably read. <3

M Le Renard: Same with Take, to be honest; the action's told well, but some poor guy(probably either a scrappy underdog who owes money or a sleazy, quick-witted con who pissed off the wrong people) getting smacked around by toughs? Yawn. Again, this one paragraph strikes me as pretty typical, enough to guess the general direction and caus eme to lose most of my interst before the finer details get a chance to emerge. Again, a personal, perhaps overly harsh quibble, and if this weren't for critiquing openings and just in there with the rest of the story, I might keep going, but...yeah.


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## M. LeRenard (Sep 20, 2009)

Ha... you're very hard to please, Naota.  So what would strike your fancy so far as plot hooks are concerned?  I ask because I can see your point, and now it's bothering me.

Guess there are two more.
*Keaoden*: The language use and the way the character thinks and acts immediately makes me think this is going to be pornographic.  Hopefully that's what you were going for.
*NaotaM*: What interests me most is that the way you describe the neighborhood makes it seem that this is a low-budget inner-city school, which gives a certain impression, but then you present us with a class that's obviously very well-behaved and a teacher they obviously respect, which throws that initial impression away.  Of course, what the story will be is anyone's guess... which may or may not be a good thing.  Your only hook is setting.


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## Keaoden (Sep 20, 2009)

TakeWalker said:


> Keaoden, thanks, I think I'll have to link to that story around here somewhere once I finish it. c.c;;
> 
> As for your opening, it almost doesn't work, and it almost does. The downside is the immediate beginning feels like a "regular sort of day" opening. That changes around the phrase "fading body heat of another". Then I start going, "Okay, who's this other?" (Of course, I know, I saw your thread. :B) So, yeah. You're right in the middle. That's my take on it.



*TakeWalker* thank you, I tired to make it a laid back kind of beginning that would edge at a person's  curiosity. 

*M. Le Renard*, pornographic isn't quite as blunt as I wanted it to be, but in a way yes. Thank you.

*NaotaM, *Its a nice start, slow, with a good choice of description for the setting. Keeps the reader moving even with the calm pace of your writing style.


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## TakeWalker (Sep 20, 2009)

M. Le Renard said:


> Ha... you're very hard to please, Naota.  So what would strike your fancy so far as plot hooks are concerned?  I ask because I can see your point, and now it's bothering me.



^


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## NaotaM (Sep 21, 2009)

M. Le Renard said:


> Ha... you're very hard to please, Naota. So what would strike your fancy so far as plot hooks are concerned? I ask because I can see your point, and now it's bothering me.


 

That's...actually really flattering coming from you. Thanks. 

Yeah, I'm a picky bastard, but as plot hooks go, that's actually kind of a wide-open question I'm honestly not mentally equipped to answer this late at night. lol I guess I just require seeing something new I haven't read before, a new, clever idea or implementation. 

Any kind of idea, of any genre, though I gravitate more towards fantasy or adventure. Like that platypus tooth fairy thing. I've never heard of something like that and I'd read just to see how far the idea goes, regardless of quality. I can read a mystery with a clever premise or setting. Even slice-of-life(though you'd never guess from how much I hate the average furry coming-of-age story, webcomic or anything by GraveyardGreg) can suck me in if the characters are quirky, new and nuanced, though it is a genre I'd rather watch than read.

To me, great, original ideas that I can't immediately guess where they'll head can make up for a lot of less-than-graceful prose. I'd still critique like a bastard, of course, but I'd enjoy the ride.


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## M. LeRenard (Sep 21, 2009)

NaotaM said:
			
		

> That's...actually really flattering coming from you.


Oh pshaw.  Don't think you have to treat me like an expert just 'cause I have a high post-count. 

So it might be better if I slipped a hint to the more intriguing elements of the story right in the beginning.  See, this is the tough thing: there's a lot of information you want to get out there right away to catch someone's interest, but you don't have very much space to do it.  I'm trying to think of a way to throw a clue in the first or second sentence without making it obvious what I'm trying to do, and it's hard.  I'll give it more thought, and maybe post a second try at some point.


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## NaotaM (Sep 21, 2009)

M. Le Renard said:


> Oh pshaw. Don't think you have to treat me like an expert just 'cause I have a high post-count.


 

Actually, I meant you're known for being rather harsh and honest yourself, and hearing you go "whao, you're pretty brutal" means quite a bit to me.


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## M. LeRenard (Sep 21, 2009)

Ha ha... alright.


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## Atrak (Oct 1, 2009)

> See, that's a good opening. I have no idea what the story might be, but I'm immediately drawn to the character, and that's a compelling thing to take from an opening. :smile: I suppose I ought to find one to post here myself, since I spend so much time on them...


Take, not sure if anyone has said this yet, but it sounds like a story from the view of a squirrel or chipmunk. The round-nuts are acorns, and the two-legs are humans.

Anyway, here's the beginning of the first adventure in a series I'm writing  :



> The Many Inter-Dimensional Adventures of Atrakaj
> By: Atrakaj​ Adventure 1: The Adventures Begin​ Chapter 1: A Wet Discovery​                 Jacob wiped his brow with his sleeve, replaced his glasses, and grinned. Jacob was a computer geek, but he still enjoyed physical exertion, such as walking for hours through the woods, doing nothing more than exploring the vast wilderness that existed in his backyard. Today he had gone further than ever before, and was thoroughly lost. He wasnâ€™t worried, but then, that wasnâ€™t saying much: he never worried. _Besides,_ he thought with a grin, _I think I hear a waterfall up ahead, and I wouldnâ€™t want to miss seeing a new waterfall_.
> He continued through the woods up the slight incline, constantly looking around and noting everything around him. He would forget most of it within a few seconds of seeing it, but he knew it would still be in his head, just waiting for the right words to trigger their remembrance. Besides, his subconscious could use the visual imagery in his dreams, and every inch of the world he saw would expand his subconscious world as well.



I didn't really try to capture your attention with that first 200 words  .


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## M. LeRenard (Oct 1, 2009)

atrakaj said:


> I didn't really try to capture your attention with that first 200 words  .


Well, you have two interesting things, those being: he's lost, and the thing about the subconscious (why does he have such short-term memory outside of his dreams? I'm wondering).  That's he's a computer geek AND athletic isn't very intriguing... it sounds more like you're just trying to surprise us by breaking stereotypes.  It would probably be more effective to at some point reveal that he's into computers, after you set him up as Grizzly Adams, so that there's more of a shock and less of a "Look at how quirky I'm being!"  If that makes any sense.


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## Atrak (Oct 1, 2009)

I understand what you're saying, but I wasn't trying to break stereotypes  . That character is me. I'm trying to pretty much write about my experiences...that never happened. I write how I think I would react  .


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## TakeWalker (Oct 2, 2009)

Okay, I think I just found a pet peeve.

"[name of main character] [is/was] [description/species/age/occupation/etc.]"

If there's no one actually sitting across from this person, describing them to themselves, it just doesn't work. How the person looks isn't important to the story; if it is, then it will come out in the story naturally rather than being the second thing said. That absolutely ruins an opening for me.


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## Atrak (Oct 2, 2009)

Yeah, that's one of mine too  . It became so while typing a story. I had the "look in the mirror" description -.- . That was trashed  .


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## Atrak (Oct 2, 2009)

Oh, and Ren.


> That's he's a computer geek AND athletic isn't very intriguing... it sounds more like you're just trying to surprise us by breaking stereotypes. It would probably be more effective to at some point reveal that he's into computers, after you set him up as Grizzly Adams, so that there's more of a shock and less of a "Look at how quirky I'm being!" If that makes any sense.


Makes perfect sense  . Thanks for the input, though I should have thought of that myself -.- . Ah well  .


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