# Jesus



## KittyKat (Jul 14, 2010)

If you could summon Jesus for one thing. What would that one thing be ? XD


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## Joeyyy (Jul 14, 2010)

This.


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## Browder (Jul 14, 2010)

To prove that he's not white.:V


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## Willow (Jul 14, 2010)

Is this appropriate?

(stealing Milo's link :3c )


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## Alstor (Jul 14, 2010)

To make all of this turn into wine onshore.


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## Joeyyy (Jul 14, 2010)

WillowWulf said:


> Is this appropriate?
> 
> (stealing Milo's link :3c )


 Lold so hard... i think I ran out of lols for the day.
edit: still lolling.


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## CannonFodder (Jul 14, 2010)

Browder said:


> To prove that he's not white.:V


 To prove he's not american also.


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## RayO_ElGatubelo (Jul 14, 2010)

I'd ask him what he thinks of Paul. What a mysoginistic, legalistic, miserable asshole. I refuse to call him a saint!


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## CannonFodder (Jul 14, 2010)

I'd summon him to give a verbal bitch slap to foxnews on air.


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## RayO_ElGatubelo (Jul 14, 2010)

CannonFodder said:


> I'd summon him to give a verbal bitch slap to foxnews on air.



They'd probably just think he's a crazy homeless guy, not Jesus.


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## CannonFodder (Jul 14, 2010)

RayO_ElGatubelo said:


> They'd probably just think he's a crazy homeless guy, not Jesus.


 I hate how people have americanized him, honestly it would fucking amaze me if even half of the people who claim to be christians have even read the whole bible and just because someone's parents went to church on easter and sunday doesn't mean they are.
"I like your Christ, I do not like your christians"-Ghandi


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## Browder (Jul 14, 2010)

CannonFodder said:


> I hate how people have americanized him, honestly it would fucking amaze me if even half of the people who claim to be christians have even read the whole bible and just because someone's parents went to church on easter and sunday doesn't mean they are.
> "I like your Christ, I do not like your christians"-Ghandi


 
You tryin' to say that Jesus was some sorta A-Rahb Cannon? :v

Seriously, I would be so happy if Jesus came back today looking North African/Middle Eastern. He probably would get sent to Guantanamo under the previous administration. Nowadays the populace would still fuck him over somehow.


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## Jashwa (Jul 14, 2010)

I'd get him to take away your thread making privileges because you are horrible.


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## CannonFodder (Jul 14, 2010)

Browder said:


> You tryin' to say that Jesus was some sorta A-Rahb Cannon? :v
> 
> Seriously, I would be so happy if Jesus came back today looking North African/Middle Eastern. He probably would get sent to Guantanamo under the previous administration. Nowadays the populace would still fuck him over somehow.


 To tell you all a bit about me irl, I get pissed off everytime I run into one of those people that think jesus was american republican who hated gays and all that, last year during the election some girl kept going on about how if you wanted to prove you loved god you'd vote mccain.  Lemme put it this way by the time I was done breaking down here bastardized version of the bible she was crying and the college leader just said, "Kyle I agree, but that's enough".


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## Telnac (Jul 15, 2010)

I'd like to shake the dude's hand and to simply say "Thanks!"


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## Fenrari (Jul 15, 2010)

Browder said:


> To prove that he's not white.:V


 
^^ 

I'm sick and tired of people swearing Jesus is a caucasian. If he wasn't black, he must be middle eastern.


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## Evandeskunk (Jul 15, 2010)

To say Hi to jewish people.


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## Fenrari (Jul 15, 2010)

Evandenoob said:


> To say Hi to jewish people.


 
He's a Jew though?

Wouldn't it make more sense for him to force the Christians to be more tolerant.

Ghandi said: "_I like your Christ_, I do  not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."


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## Evandeskunk (Jul 15, 2010)

Fenrari said:


> He's a Jew though?
> 
> Wouldn't it make more sense for him to force the Christians to be more tolerant.
> 
> Ghandi said: "_I like your Christ_, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."


 
I like your quote. But if I was serious about my answer I would have wanted him to change christians. Although some christians would call him a hippy.


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## Disasterfox (Jul 15, 2010)

*Make me a, taco*

_heheh i love tacos_


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## Telnac (Jul 15, 2010)

Fenrari said:


> ^^
> 
> I'm sick and tired of people swearing Jesus is a caucasian. If he wasn't black, he must be middle eastern.


OK, I agree it pretty clear Jusus wasn't white, but why would Jesus be black? Saying He was white or black makes about as much sense as saying that Jesus' skin was florescent pink with purple polka dots.  The Dude was 1st century Jew, and there's ample archeological evidence to show what 1st century Jews looked like: dark, curly hair and olive skin with bone structure that is neither European nor African but... *drumroll* Middle Eastern!  

*gasp*  Oh, the shock.  Who'd have thought someone from the Middle East would look like someone from the Middle East?


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## Fenrari (Jul 15, 2010)

Telnac said:


> OK, I agree it pretty clear Jusus wasn't white, but why would Jesus be black? Saying He was white or black makes about as much sense as saying that Jesus' skin was florescent pink with purple polka dots.  The Dude was 1st century Jew, and there's ample archeological evidence to show what 1st century Jews looked like: dark, curly hair and olive skin with bone structure that is neither European nor African but... *drumroll* Middle Eastern!
> 
> *gasp*  Oh, the shock.  Who'd have thought someone from the Middle East would look like someone from the Middle East?


 
Well it's logically to think that there were Africans into the middle eastern slaves, whether as traders, diplomats or slavers. It's a slim possibility, but it could be as such.


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## Telnac (Jul 15, 2010)

Fenrari said:


> Well it's logically to think that there were Africans into the middle eastern slaves, whether as traders, diplomats or slavers. It's a slim possibility, but it could be as such.


Uh, no.  Africans and Europeans were in 1st century Judea, yes... but they were kept strictly separated from Jewish society, and the children from what little inter-racial mating did occur were NOT considered Jews.  Remember, being a Jew is as much about your ancestry as it is about your faith.  That was even more the case in those days than it is today.  If Jesus were even half black, (or white, or florescent pink) He would be considered a pagan by the Jews of the day and would have been unable to attract any following of disciples among them, even if He could perform miracles.

Herod the Great was hated by the Jews precisely because he sucked up to the Roman government and took non-Jews into his harem.


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## A Concerned Citizen (Jul 15, 2010)

Browder said:


> To prove that he's not white.:V


 
I'd do it to prove he's the one true    Chinesus, son of    Maryandrin  and God, whom was havin' a    snack  with his buds one day before being murdered by a  vicious gang of  children, only to be    resurrected  via the T-Virus.

He then moved to a swank part of Manhattan, changed his identity and became an]  investment banker. 

 (God, that was just awful on all accounts, but I invested too much time into it not to post it...)


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## Tao (Jul 15, 2010)

To fix me, I guess


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## auzbuzzard (Jul 15, 2010)

Ask him about everything in the Bible that which is God's word and which is not.

Ask him what's his view over the current Cristian debates. And what right what's wrong.

Ask him what he's gonna do with all these debates.

Ask him many questions that haven't been answered. Science, myths, things like that.

Finally, ask him to sign on my Bible. Then runs to Vatican and mock everyone on streets.


Either one.


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## CynicalCirno (Jul 15, 2010)

I'm jewish


+

Jesus is just some fugola found on the jewish streets that wanted a new relligion. So he made a copy of the bible and he called that the "christian bible". He wrote about things that never existed in the first place like angels and grails. Then he wrote that he was the son of god and because god has no gender, god cannot have kids, and god can't have son.
It just creates people if try to think about it. And if Jesus was created like everybody else did from the start, then Jesus is not special.
But of course Jesus was born as a baby like you, and not created from scratch by god.
Then why did Jesus speak with god and bring the relligion alive? He heard voices and he was either drunk or an insane idiocracy diplomat.

Teal Deer JESUS IS FAKE


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## Ibuuyk (Jul 15, 2010)

The true question is:

If you could summon someone, why the heck would it be Jesus?


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## reian (Jul 15, 2010)

I want to ask him how many times he had sex....


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## Fenrari (Jul 15, 2010)

Ibuuyk said:


> The true question is:
> 
> If you could summon someone, why the heck would it be Jesus?



That is an interesting question... well what if you could only summon religious figures. The following line may be offensive, rude, misplaced to some audiences. Why not summon Muhammed? Just to watch the shitstorm.



reian said:


> I want to ask him how many times he had sex....



Wouldn't it be interesting if Jesus was really a girl who donned the clothing of a man?


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## reian (Jul 15, 2010)

Fenrari said:


> Wouldn't it be interesting if Jesus was really a girl who donned the clothing of a man?


I would suddenly like him/her a lot more


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## Lobar (Jul 15, 2010)

reian said:


> I would suddenly like him/her a lot more


 
Praise be unto Trap Jesus :V


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## Dan. (Jul 15, 2010)

I would ask him to see if he wants to do a day time TV chat show


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## reian (Jul 15, 2010)

Lobar said:


> Praise be unto Trap Jesus :V



Not a trap for me ^^ I swing both ways so it's all cool


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## Fenrari (Jul 15, 2010)

Lobar said:


> Praise be unto Trap Jesus :V


 
Is this considered sacrilegious


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## RayO_ElGatubelo (Jul 15, 2010)

Fenrari said:


> Is this considered sacrilegious


 
Everything on FAF is considered sacrilegious.


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## Tabasco (Jul 15, 2010)

To stop you making weird religious threads.


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## reian (Jul 15, 2010)

I'm surprised no one has said they want to fist bump Jesus


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## Fenrari (Jul 15, 2010)

reian said:


> I'm surprised no one has said they want to fist bump Jesus


 
I'd be interested in wondering if Jesus ever had any gay experiences with his followers.


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## Lobar (Jul 15, 2010)

reian said:


> Not a trap for me ^^ I swing both ways so it's all cool


 
But it's still a (pleasant) surprise!



Fenrari said:


> Is this considered sacrilegious


 
Bonus points if it is.


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## RayO_ElGatubelo (Jul 15, 2010)

Fenrari said:


> I'd be interested in wondering if Jesus ever had any gay experiences with his followers.



Didn't St. John dress like a woman, therefore getting Dan Brown confused?


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## reian (Jul 15, 2010)

Lobar said:


> But it's still a (pleasant) surprise!


Oh yes....If we could mary magdalin in on it, what a party it would be!
XD


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## RayO_ElGatubelo (Jul 15, 2010)

reian said:


> Oh yes....If we could mary magdalin in on it, what a party it would be!
> XD


 
I wish I were one of those Puerto Ricans whose parents named him "JesÃºs" right now.


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## Fenrari (Jul 15, 2010)

RayO_ElGatubelo said:


> I wish I were one of those Puerto Ricans whose parents named him "JesÃºs" right now.


 
if anyone remembers that episode of True Blood.

This is Jesus, he's a mexican. He hasn't raped me yet.


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## reian (Jul 15, 2010)

RayO_ElGatubelo said:


> I wish I were one of those Puerto Ricans whose parents named him "JesÃºs" right now.



Go get a tan and a name tag!


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## RayO_ElGatubelo (Jul 15, 2010)

reian said:


> Go get a tan and a name tag!



I'm already Hispanic, you know.


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## reian (Jul 15, 2010)

RayO_ElGatubelo said:


> I'm already Hispanic, you know.


Nope I had no idea...sorry ;_;


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## Riv (Jul 15, 2010)

KittyKat said:


> If you could summon Jesus for one thing. What would that one thing be ? XD


 
Hollow him out, and wear his skin. Just like I do with everybody else.


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## RayO_ElGatubelo (Jul 15, 2010)

reian said:


> Nope I had no idea...sorry ;_;


 
Next time look at the location tag... it's quite obvious.

On a side note, do you think Jesus is a stoner? What with that long hair...


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## reian (Jul 15, 2010)

RayO_ElGatubelo said:


> Next time look at the location tag... it's quite obvious.
> 
> On a side note, do you think Jesus is a stoner? What with that long hair...


I stopped paying attention to those because most people make up things XD  

It is quite possible...hash was really big in that part of the world...


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## Lobar (Jul 15, 2010)

RayO_ElGatubelo said:


> Next time look at the location tag... it's quite obvious.
> 
> On a side note, do you think Jesus is a stoner? What with that long hair...


 
Everyone was.  There were no drug laws back then.  Hallucinogens were likely an integral part of religious activities.

And username makes obvious too, actually.


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## Fenrari (Jul 15, 2010)

RayO_ElGatubelo said:


> Next time look at the location tag... it's quite obvious.
> 
> On a side note, do you think Jesus is a stoner? What with that long hair...


 
i wouldn't doubt it. Alternatively do you think he could have been from the future?


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## Riv (Jul 15, 2010)

Fenrari said:


> i wouldn't doubt it. Alternatively do you think he could have been from the future?


 
No, if anybody, that would have to be DaVinci. Jesus was just king of the stoners. If he was from the future, then he would have been able to avoid death by crucifixion, which is incredibly violent and painful.


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## Fenrari (Jul 15, 2010)

Riv said:


> No, if anybody, that would have to be DaVinci. Jesus was just king of the stoners. If he was from the future, then he would have been able to avoid death by crucifixion, which is incredibly violent and painful.


 
What if he was kinky and that made him hard?


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## RayO_ElGatubelo (Jul 15, 2010)

Fenrari said:


> What if he was kinky and that made him hard?



I never saw Jesus's boner in all those paintings.


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## Riv (Jul 15, 2010)

Fenrari said:


> What if he was kinky and that made him hard?


 
Then the future makes me very disappoint.


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## Lobar (Jul 15, 2010)

RayO_ElGatubelo said:


> I never saw Jesus's boner in all those paintings.


 






(the artist never took anatomy lessons apparently, that's actually supposed to be his abs)


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## Fenrari (Jul 15, 2010)

Lobar said:


> (the artist never took anatomy lessons apparently, that's actually supposed to be his abs)


 
WUT! ... SCARED SCARED SCAREDED!

Jesus has a knot!


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## FoxBody (Jul 15, 2010)

To watch him have a fight to the death with Raptor Jesus.


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## Shiroka (Jul 15, 2010)

To have a drink and talk about philosophy with him before he gets crucified again by the Westboro baptist church.

As far as I know, people are as much assholes as they were 2000 years ago, so for his sake, I really don't think the famed "return of the christ" should ever happen.


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## ToeClaws (Jul 15, 2010)

Smiting religious posts.


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## Willow (Jul 15, 2010)

Lobar said:


> (the artist never took anatomy lessons apparently, that's actually supposed to be his abs)


 That's really upsetting


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## Torrijos-sama (Jul 15, 2010)

Turn the Rain into Stolichnaya, and a 40 day/40 night flood.


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## reian (Jul 15, 2010)

JesusFish said:


> Turn the Rain into Stolichnaya, and a 40 day/40 night flood.


Well...At least any droughts would be fixed :/


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## Ibuuyk (Jul 15, 2010)

Fenrari said:


> That is an interesting question... well what if you could only summon religious figures.



I mean, hey.  If you could someone any religious icon, you'd think it'd be a better idea to summon God itself.


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## Fenrari (Jul 15, 2010)

Ibuuyk said:


> I mean, hey.  If you could someone any religious icon, you'd think it'd be a better idea to summon God itself.


 
And stun the world when it's revealed she's a she?


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## Ibuuyk (Jul 15, 2010)

Fenrari said:


> And stun the world when it's revealed she's a she?


 
Sure, even better.  That or God could be Ratte, who knows.


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## Fenrari (Jul 15, 2010)

Ibuuyk said:


> Sure, even better.


 
But that'd be like dividing by zero!!!! OH THE HUMANITY


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## Ibuuyk (Jul 15, 2010)

Fenrari said:


> But that'd be like dividing by zero!!!! OH THE HUMANITY


 
One of my friends once made a calculator that could divide by zero on Java, is he a genius?


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## Riv (Jul 15, 2010)

Fenrari said:


> And stun the world when it's revealed she's a she?


 
Why would god have a gender, if genders are for reproduction with others of the same species?


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## Ibuuyk (Jul 15, 2010)

Riv said:


> Why would god have a gender, if genders are for reproduction with others of the same species?


 
So God can have "fun" with Buddha, obv.


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## Fenrari (Jul 15, 2010)

Ibuuyk said:


> So God can have "fun" with Buddha, obv.


 
That's real pay per view ;P


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## LizardKing (Jul 15, 2010)

Make the world's most amazing niche porno


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## Fenrari (Jul 15, 2010)

LizardKing said:


> Make the world's most amazing niche porno



That's already been done:


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## LizardKing (Jul 15, 2010)

Fenrari said:


> That's already been done:


 
No but with _actual_ Jesus

You could have him doing cowgirl while floating in a pool which he then turns into wine


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## Ibuuyk (Jul 15, 2010)

Fenrari said:


> That's real pay per view ;P


 
I wouldn't be surprised if rule 34 applied to God x Buddha.


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## Fenrari (Jul 15, 2010)

LizardKing said:


> No but with _actual_ Jesus
> 
> You could have him doing cowgirl while floating in a pool which he then turns into wine


 
Bah, then it turns into drunk nasty fetish sexy...


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## CannonFodder (Jul 15, 2010)

Ibuuyk said:


> One of my friends once made a calculator that could divide by zero on Java, is he a genius?


 It's not that hard actually, just need to use higher level math.
What did you think engineers were for, someone's gotta ducktape the hole in universe every time someone divides by 0.


Ibuuyk said:


> I wouldn't be surprised if rule 34 applied to God x Buddha.


 I wouldn't be surprised either.


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## ChickO'Dee (Jul 15, 2010)

i wouldn't be able too...
because he doesn't exist D:


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## Randy-Darkshade (Jul 15, 2010)

To prove he exists.


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## Ibuuyk (Jul 15, 2010)

CannonFodder said:


> It's not that hard actually, just need to use higher level math.
> What did you think engineers were for, someone's gotta ducktape the hole in universe every time someone divides by 0.
> 
> I wouldn't be surprised either.


 
Well, he tried for a hour & half to make a calculator that could do simple problems like 2 + 2 & stuff like that, and it ended up only being able to divide by zero & multiply/divide by infinity.  He really, really sucks at Java, his average was below 30%.


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## Lobar (Jul 15, 2010)

RandyDarkshade said:


> To prove he exists.


 
And then he would vanish in a puff of logic.


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## Ricky (Jul 15, 2010)

I'd just want to find out if he's really black.


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## Zontar (Jul 15, 2010)

A blowjob.


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## Kenneth (Jul 16, 2010)

To rip his hair out and shove a cobra down his windpipe


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## coward67 (Jul 16, 2010)

To tell the world that it's ok to be gay in your own special way.


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## Telnac (Jul 16, 2010)

Kenneth said:


> To rip his hair out and shove a cobra down his windpipe


 What, crucifixion wasn't enough?


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## Slyck (Jul 16, 2010)

World peace.

Yea, yea. Overused but by all means worthy.


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## Bir (Jul 16, 2010)

Um... I think I'd ask him to take care of my dad, actually, for his entire life, even if it meant him ignoring my own life.


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## Commiecomrade (Jul 17, 2010)

To prove that he's not white? I know that. I want him to prove he's not Ted Nugent. Someone please cite the reference for me.


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## Oovie (Jul 17, 2010)

CannonFodder said:


> To tell you all a bit about me irl, I get pissed off everytime I run into one of those people that think jesus was american republican who hated gays and all that, last year during the election some girl kept going on about how if you wanted to prove you loved god you'd vote mccain.  Lemme put it this way by the time I was done breaking down here bastardized version of the bible she was crying and the college leader just said, "Kyle I agree, but that's enough".


 You live in Texas? No wonder why I've never heard of people like that.


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## Leatho (Jul 17, 2010)

I'd tell him to go to Afghanistan, maybe he would set them straight


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## Telnac (Jul 17, 2010)

Oovie said:


> You live in Texas? No wonder why I've never heard of people like that.


 I have.  My ex-wife's extended family are Southern Baptists who live in Georgia.  And yes, in their eyes, Jesus is a Republican.

The last I checked, American Democracy wasn't exactly a major issue in the Bible, or a minor one for that matter.


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## Tycho (Jul 17, 2010)

Telnac said:


> I have.  My ex-wife's extended family are Southern Baptists who live in Georgia.  And yes, in their eyes, Jesus is a Republican.
> 
> The last I checked, American Democracy wasn't exactly a major issue in the Bible, or a minor one for that matter.


 
I know Jesus doesn't do the whole wrathful thing and the miracles are kinda fishy sounding (dohohoho I made a funny) but if you could get him to slap some motherfucking sense into the Christian collective that would be great.


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## Telnac (Jul 17, 2010)

Tycho said:


> I know Jesus doesn't do the whole wrathful thing and the miracles are kinda fishy sounding (dohohoho I made a funny) but if you could get him to slap some motherfucking sense into the Christian collective that would be great.


 Even as a Christian myself, that's pretty much my daily prayer.


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## Slyck (Jul 19, 2010)

hmmm

I'd summon Jesus to summon more Jesuses.


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## DarkAssassinFurry (Jul 25, 2010)

Shove him in all of the jews faces... Not literally, though...


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## footfoe (Jul 25, 2010)

I know Jesus, he was in my history class.


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## Kit H. Ruppell (Jul 25, 2010)

Do something for every _other_ form of life.


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## CrazyLee (Jul 25, 2010)

Hot gay anal sex. :|


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## Nyloc (Jul 25, 2010)

Do my ironing, it'll take a bloody miracle to get through it all.


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## Enwon (Jul 25, 2010)

If I could summon Jesus, I would ask him what his political views are.


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## Tally (Jul 25, 2010)

Kenneth said:


> To rip his hair out and shove a cobra down his windpipe


 
Kind of late, but what the hell is wrong with you?



And if I summoned him, I would try to convince him that I was just trolling my whole life, and that I really am a Christian.


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## slydude851 (Jul 25, 2010)

Relieve my school of our damned chapel service.  Everyone in the school as to attend it (even athiests lol)

Or what's the deal with war.


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## Pliio8 (Jul 25, 2010)

Why are there school? Is a point it?

But seriously, I'd ask him why God makes the good people suffer.


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## Ames (Jul 25, 2010)

I wouldn't, because doing so would bring about the apocalypse. :V


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