# Writing Workshop 4/24/2010



## kitreshawn (Apr 24, 2010)

Intended to post this much earlier but was entertaining company for much of today.  Sorry.

Since this is the first exercise I figured I would keep it simple, something where anyone can join in regardless of if they have written before or not.  Just something where everyone is on equal footing.


*The Exercise*

Begin a story with this line: I haven't been back there since...

This can be as part of an opening line of dialogue (in a 3rd person point of view, for example) or from the narrator to the reader.  After that starting snippet you can write whatever you wish.

Keep it short, no more than 250 words.  This does not need to be a completed story.


*The Objective*

There are several.  The first is to get practice starting a story _in medias res_ -- in the middle of things.  Notice the sentence refers to things that have already happened.  Beyond that, I also want people to see how from the same starting point different writers will take the idea in different directions.

When you are done you can either post what you have written in here or link to the spot on your FA page where you have posted it.  Please read the Writing Workshop Rules before participating since I would also like to get people started on critique as well (although I realize that with such a short thing it will be difficult to find much to critique).


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## jinxtigr (Apr 24, 2010)

I haven't been back there since I was alive.

It's a little bit like an obstetrics ward, I suppose- though you could call it hospice care, and of course some do. They don't like us in most of society, they really don't. There's a phrase called uncanny valley, and maybe that explains why we're so hated. To some, we're already dead.

We have our own safe places- and of course we can fully live on the networks, in realities convincing as you could ask for. And we have our unsafe places, too, and they are still growing, faster and faster. We're hunted.

I picture the place, since I cannot safely go there. I tap into hospital networks, look through dozens of camera eyes at the same time. It's a ward, now locked off, machinery smashed. So few of us were born in this, the last and best ward for the great experiment. All the wards are smashed now.

I'm sure it would have gone sour anyhow. It wasn't my fault. I was a trigger for something larger than me. So was the doctor, joking that I took less than three days. Half of us died before a week was out, in the riots.

My name is Jesus Diego- even now. I hold to that. I am myself, still, and it was not my fault.

Somewhere, far from these camera eyes, my silicone eyelids close in resignation.


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## TakeWalker (Apr 24, 2010)

I haven't been back there since grade school, and now look at the place.

Burned.  Broken.  Rotted.  A shameful hellhole that used to be an ice cream parlor.  A blackened stump of memories, filled with concrete dust and the faint remembered melody of a jukebox.  But then everything around here looks that way, after the war.  Bombs fell on dreams and hopes were cut in two by gunfire.

And now here I am, alone, meaningless, trying to cop a secondary high off the pungent tang of my first real date.  Mr. Barnard's smile won't keep me dry in the rain.  No amount of imaginary striped uniforms can keep me warm.  The soda fountain's a melted pile of hopelessness.

What am I doing here?


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## Altamont (Apr 25, 2010)

"I haven't been back there since..."

_My God..._ he thought. _How long has it been since the bombs fell?_

Below him lay a valley of rubble and overgrowth, scorched framework and a feild of shattered glass being all that remained of the neat little houses that had once comprised his suburban home.

"Are you okay?" Sarah's voice was faint, though she stood right next to him. He snapped out of his
(_nostalgia? Could he even call it that?_)
and turned to her.  Her emerald eyes were glowing in the light of the fire they had built. He turned back to view the town again. The sun was setting, and the sky had become a fiery orange and red. A few yards away a large green sign read _Welcome to Terrance Hills! A great place to live!_ With it's apocalyptic backdrop, he almost found himself cracking a smile at the irony. Almost.

"Let's get moving," he told her, and kicked some dirt over the fire, leaving them only the shadows of the sunset. Together, they departed.


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## Vintage (Apr 25, 2010)

I haven't been back there since  the proprietor, Matty, threw me out. Now, what I did was gross,  reprehensible, and possibly criminal - most things that throw  middle-aged hotel owners headfirst into a violent rage are - but it was  completely justified, like most addictions.

I expected that seeing that monolith of a skyscraper after six years  would arouse, well, let's just call them  _uncomfortable_ thoughts, but as I  stood at the street corner facing the building, I didnâ€™t feel anything.

Letâ€™s talk about the towels. You  see, hotel towels are, by economic necessity, brittle paper rags. I love  them. I collect them. They are my stamps, but I donâ€™t show them to  people; I have discretion, after all. Iâ€™ve pilfered from every major  hotel chain in the contiguous United States. Itâ€™s not hard to do.

When you use a hotel towel, where  does it go? Some hotels clean them internally, but most truck them  to  local industrial laundromats. Itâ€™s hard to get fresh ones, so you have  to get your hands dirty by hijacking the shipment.

Unfortunately, Matty Smith knows  his laundromat contractor like a middle-aged hobbyist mechanic is on  first-name basis with his local Triple-A. As soon as I wasnâ€™t able to  produce ID, my ass was out on the curb. He smacked me; he called it a  fetish, a â€œmean vice.â€ I donâ€™t malign it so, especially since Iâ€™m on the  verge of a new job.

One that will put my feeble,  juvenile towel-snatching to shame.


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## kitreshawn (Apr 25, 2010)

Here's Mine:



> I haven't been there since I landed my first big gig.  The whole town is a dump and I promised myself that I would claw my way out no matter what it took.  Truthfully I am glad to be rid of everything to do with the place, with the people.  Even when my mother died four years back I skipped on the funeral rather than go back.
> 
> People say that I'm cold, but what do they know?  They weren't there to see how everyone cheated each other at every turn even when there was nothing to gain.  Charity?  HA!  We had rich volunteers come through all the time, a trickle of aid when a flood was what we needed.  All so they could go home and feel good about themselves after their token effort.  And then the shit faced bastards have the gall to judge me for stealing the money to buy my train ticket out of there from my father's liquor funds?
> 
> Just once I'd like to see them try to make it in that world.  One week of getting their oh so fancy department store clothing covered in the gutter mud will humble them in short order.  Only reason they look down on my choices is because they are too stuck up to see the shit they're swimming in.  There's no such thing as good people, just ones who were born lucky, and that's a fucking fact.


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## Altamont (Apr 25, 2010)

Alrighty, I suppose I'll start the critiquing then. This one's for Vintage. I really loved the characterization; the protagonist of the snippet was interesting, with unique quirks. Towel obsessions? That's a new one for me 

The only quibbles (if you could even call them those) I had was that it felt a little like it was trying to be quirky. The line "I don't malign it so" springs to mind; obviously, it's hard to tell from a 250 word snippet, but the wording of that line and the preceding sentences felt a little like you were trying too hard. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it, I dunno.

And besides, the whole thing was really good. I just felt it would be proper for me to at least try and find something that could use improvement  Good job.


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## Hauke (Apr 25, 2010)

I haven't been back there since Andy moved away.  He was the only other friend of mine who liked hiking; I think he, his friends Smokey and Lennox, and I were the only ones ever to set foot there, but I'd have no way of knowing that.  But it seemed unlikely that with the larger peaks straight ahead on the trail, any hikers would go off to the side and scramble up the graveled incline to get to a lesser peak.  The way up the side wasnâ€™t obvious until you traveled counterclockwise around that steep field of pebbles out of view of the trail.

After navigating a few short climbs, the unlimited sky was ours to see, but not touch.  Circling birds kept their distance but they weren't afraid of us.  Mostly black, they had bald heads and sharp voices.  "They're waiting to see what we do," Andy said.  

"They're waiting to see if we die."  Smokey chuckled.  "Any one of us would be a feast!"

While Lennox and I collected stones and began balancing them carefully on top of one another as a marker that we had been there, Andy and Smokey scrambled up on top of rocks that were surely part of the mountain, but bald of any soil or dirt.

â€œDonâ€™t fall here,â€ Lennox said.  â€œDonâ€™t fall down, or youâ€™ll get messed up bad.  I donâ€™t love either of you enough to carry you back down from here.â€


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## Tyvara_Panther (Apr 25, 2010)

I submitted to my page.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3765287


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## TakeWalker (Apr 25, 2010)

You know, I keep looking at these, trying to critique, but they've all been pretty damn good and I really have nothing in particular to comment on so far. ._.


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## kitreshawn (Apr 25, 2010)

Alright, going to do critiques.  From the top:



jinxtigr said:


> I haven't been back there since I was alive.
> 
> It's a little bit like an obstetrics ward, I suppose- though you could call it hospice care, and of course some do. They don't like us in most of society, they really don't. There's a phrase called uncanny valley, and maybe that explains why we're so hated. To some, we're already dead.
> 
> ...




I got a kind of cyberpunk feel from this, although it seems like a world where there was quite a bit of unrest caused by the introduction of cybernetic technology.

Personally I find the story quite compelling, the mixture of what is said and what is not makes me want to learn more.  With what little you mention we also get a good feel for the narrator: he has a rather defeatist personality but maintains his innocence even as he is hunted down.

If I had a major complaint I would say that I think the writing can be a little 'tighter' with word economy.  In addition, I think a more clear idea of what exactly was done to the narrator needs to be made available since it is rather central to the story you have going (though honestly if it was the exact next thing you dealt with things would work out fine).  Keep in mind you don't have to outline it exactly, but just give a stronger hint of what you mean by him no longer being alive.






TakeWalker said:


> I haven't been back there since grade school, and now look at the place.
> 
> Burned. Broken. Rotted. A shameful hellhole that used to be an ice cream parlor. A blackened stump of memories, filled with concrete dust and the faint remembered melody of a jukebox. But then everything around here looks that way, after the war. Bombs fell on dreams and hopes were cut in two by gunfire.
> 
> ...



A completely different pacing, the ruins of a war!

Given what you talk about I would put the main character's age is 14 (or there about) and you give a heck of a lot of clues without coming out and saying it, this is very good.  I like how you use sound (the jukebox) to help construct the image of what the place was like.  Try some more of that!

Really the only weak point I can find is the paragraph where you talk about Mr. Barnard.  Matching smiles to keeping people dry doesn't make much sense to me, and the striped uniforms would only keep him warm if he was the one wearing them.  You are going in a good direction with what you are trying to say, but it seems a bit mismatched, so maybe experiment with it a bit.






Altamont said:


> "I haven't been back there since..."
> 
> My God... he thought. How long has it been since the bombs fell?
> 
> ...



Another war story it looks like, but a completely different location.  Also the first submission with dialogue.

I like dialogue.  In most stories it is interactions between characters and conflicting motivations that drives a story forward.  One of the best ways to start a story is by having 2 characters doing something.  I especially like the way you contrast the Welcome sign with the reality, that is a very powerful tool you've used.

One complaint, fairly minor.  You need to decide how you want to do thoughts, italics or in parenthesis, and stick to it.  I believe it is more accepted to use italics in your case, parenthesis tend to be more common when it is a narrator making an aside rather than a character's thoughts.





Vintage said:


> I haven't been back there since the proprietor, Matty, threw me out. Now, what I did was gross, reprehensible, and possibly criminal - most things that throw middle-aged hotel owners headfirst into a violent rage are - but it was completely justified, like most addictions.
> 
> I expected that seeing that monolith of a skyscraper after six years would arouse, well, let's just call them uncomfortable thoughts, but as I stood at the street corner facing the building, I didnâ€™t feel anything.
> 
> ...



Another story that sounds like it comes from someone fairly young.

What is really nice about this one is I see an immediate conflict between two characters: the narrator and this Matty Smith.  It is somewhat amusing that it is over pilfering towels of all things, but that can really work for you depending on the tone of the story you are trying to set.  In a comedy you can use it as a launch points to more funny ideas and in a more serious work the light hearted start can be effectively used as a contrast to what ends up ultimately happening.

The thing I found odd was the comparison of Matty Smith to a hobbyist mechanic who knows his Triple-A very well.  On the one hand I suppose that gives you some idea about the narrator that he would describe it that way (he is a gear head himself, or has family that is maybe?) but on the other hand it feels so odd to me that it almost feels forced.  This could be either by how the idea is presented or maybe simply the idea itself.  Definitely experiment here.





Tyvara_Panther said:


> I submitted to my page.
> 
> http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3765287



This is actually more of a flash fiction, but that is just fine.

Thing I like the most is the reveal at the ending, it actually made me smile despite the seriousness of the story.  That is another thing actually, it takes real courage to maim a character even in such a short work.  Goes double for the main character.

Really made me dig to find something I felt didn't fit.  The part about growing ears on their backs and new arms and all that at the end of the first paragraph made me wonder if your character would be expected to know something like that.  You could argue either way but it is something to consider.


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## Altamont (Apr 25, 2010)

kitreshawn said:


> Another war story it looks like, but a completely different location.  Also the first submission with dialogue.
> 
> I like dialogue.  In most stories it is interactions between characters and conflicting motivations that drives a story forward.  One of the best ways to start a story is by having 2 characters doing something.  I especially like the way you contrast the Welcome sign with the reality, that is a very powerful tool you've used.
> 
> One complaint, fairly minor.  You need to decide how you want to do thoughts, italics or in parenthesis, and stick to it.  I believe it is more accepted to use italics in your case, parenthesis tend to be more common when it is a narrator making an aside rather than a character's thoughts.



Thank you for your critique 

On the matter of my indecision of the portraying of thoughts, the parentheses added to the second instance were intentional, as the line is acting as an aside to the narration as well as an indicator of the protagonist's internal musings.


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## Vintage (Apr 25, 2010)

GOGOGO

p.s. i enjoyed pretty much every story i read here, so keep that in mind when you get to my critiques.

*@jinxtigr*:



> I haven't been back there since I was alive.
> 
> It's a little bit like an obstetrics ward, I suppose-, though you could  call it hospice care, and of course, some do. They don't like us in most  of society, they really don't. There's a phrase called "uncanny valley,"  and maybe that explains why we're so hated. To some, we're already dead.
> 
> ...


i tried to not correct things that i thought were style choices. let's start with what i think you did well:

- when i read, i really prefer the mundane details. stuff like the doctor joking that _hey, you took less than three days_ puts an image in my head of "well, he took less than three days; sounds like a 'top of the class' deal to me"
- you create a good sense of mystery in this little snippet of writing. i don't really know what's going on, but i want to find out more.
- you hold to the tense you've chosen pretty well, and i don't get the impression that when you slip into past tense that it is an accident.

things i noticed:

- you seem to go heavy on the dash. i don't prefer the dash to punctuate things unless you're trying to place real emphasis on something
- the phrase "silicone eyelids" seems weird to me; it stuck out. but then, maybe this guy is just a weird guy, idk

*@TakeWalker*: some fuckin' powerful images here. in particular i liked "bombs fell on dreams and hopes were cut in two by gunfire" and "blackened stump of memories." very nice; you seem to do well with imagery, and i don't know how to help you improve on that, but just keep at it!

*@Altamont*:



> "I haven't been back there since..."
> 
> _My God..._ he thought. _How long has it been since the bombs  fell?_
> 
> ...


what i think you did well:

- you have good imagery of a sunset here. adjectives like fiery and the phrase "shadows of the sunset" provide good images.
- you're good with punctuation with regard to dialogue.

things i noticed:

- houses comprised his suburban home?
- i would hyphenate orange-red, but that's just me
- what are the circumstances surrounding the fire? did they build a  fire? if they built a fire during the day, is it because it's cold out?  etc.

good job, though!

*@Vintage*: fuckr you;

*@kitreshawn*:



> I haven't been there since I landed my first big gig.  The whole town is  a dump and I promised myself that I would claw my way out, no matter  what it took.  Truthfully, I am glad to be rid of everything to do with  the place, with the people.  Even when my mother died four years back, I  skipped on the funeral rather than go back.
> 
> People say that I'm cold, but what do they know?  They weren't there to  see how everyone cheated each other at every turn even when there was  nothing to gain.  Charity?  HA!  We had rich volunteers come through all  the time, a trickle of aid when a flood was what we needed.  All so  they could go home and feel good about themselves after their token  effort.  And then the shit-faced bastards have the gall to judge me for  stealing the money to buy my train ticket out of there from my father's  liquor funds?
> 
> Just once I'd like to see them try to make it in that world.  One week  of getting their oh-so-fancy department store clothing covered in the  gutter mud will humble them in short order.  Only reason they look down  on my choices is because they are too stuck up to see the shit they're  swimming in.  There's no such thing as good people, just ones who were  born lucky, and that's a fucking fact.


what i think you did well:

- you seem to have vernacular down pat. i'm no hemingway; when i want an unconditioned visceral reaction, "fuck" is the first word i go to. this can backfire if you do it too much, though, so caution!
- i can't really judge but i think this kind of in medias res writing lends itself well to present tense, and from what i've read, people are doing a great job of sticking to that, yourself included
- a lot of your punctuated phrases like "Charity? HA!" add to the variety of the piece

things i noticed:

- "Even when my mother died four years back, I  skipped on the funeral rather than go back." i think that two successive uses of back in the same sentence will draw the reader's attention. personally, i would reconfigure this sentence somehow. you know that if a guy skips his own mother's funeral, he's either a prick or he had a really good reason.
- i hyphened stuff i felt needed to be hyphenated, but that may just be because i'm obsessed. i tend to fuck up and hyphenate adverbial clauses (they're not supposed to be) so this is still something i'm working on. take this with a grain of salt.

there's still a couple of writings to go but i will have to do those later.



Altamont: you touch on a problem i have with my writing in that it is sometimes gimmicky and i'm trying to cut that out. i appreciate the comments!


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## Gavrill (Apr 25, 2010)

I haven't been back there since I moved six years ago, leaving behind my best years. There was nothing of particular interest, which in retrospect made it wonderful. My friends were all healthy and "normal", for lack of a better word. No matter what, I could call them in the middle of the night and they would comfort my childish worries.

At first, we kept in touch. We visited from time to time. My childish worries eventually became serious and even life-threatening. But it seemed that the more distressed I was, the more I pulled away from my childhood friends. Slowly, I lost them. Do I feel regret? Sometimes. Sometimes I think their lives are better off without me worrying them. Either way, I have learned that as we grow, we drift. Whether closer or farther, no one knows. Where we end up is anyone's guess. 


Sorry, I kinda snowballed into a personal essay x3


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## kitreshawn (Apr 26, 2010)

Molly said:


> I haven't been back there since I moved six years ago, leaving behind my best years. There was nothing of particular interest, which in retrospect made it wonderful. My friends were all healthy and "normal", for lack of a better word. No matter what, I could call them in the middle of the night and they would comfort my childish worries.
> 
> At first, we kept in touch. We visited from time to time. My childish worries eventually became serious and even life-threatening. But it seemed that the more distressed I was, the more I pulled away from my childhood friends. Slowly, I lost them. Do I feel regret? Sometimes. Sometimes I think their lives are better off without me worrying them. Either way, I have learned that as we grow, we drift. Whether closer or farther, no one knows. Where we end up is anyone's guess.



Hey Molly, glad to have you!  And don't worry about it being essay-ish, that is perfectly fine.

Bit of a different tone from everyone else (so far).  More about thinking on how things have changed as you've grown up and moved on.  I'm fairly certain everyone has experienced this sort of thing so it is bound to strike some sort of chord.  Touching on common experiences is a great way to make readers feel the drama in the story and can act as a starting point to introduce people to more extreme drama.

One thing to be careful of when writing this way, where a character is lamenting loss, is that if you go overboard it loses its impact.  One indicator that you are getting close to the line is where a character talks about how 'everyone would be better off without me' type things.  I don't think you have crossed the line here but figured I would mention it since I have read stories (some of them mine >.<) where the sadness/depression/woe-is-me is played up so much it becomes comical.


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## Gavrill (Apr 26, 2010)

kitreshawn said:


> Hey Molly, glad to have you!  And don't worry about it being essay-ish, that is perfectly fine.
> 
> Bit of a different tone from everyone else (so far).  More about thinking on how things have changed as you've grown up and moved on.  I'm fairly certain everyone has experienced this sort of thing so it is bound to strike some sort of chord.  Touching on common experiences is a great way to make readers feel the drama in the story and can act as a starting point to introduce people to more extreme drama.
> 
> One thing to be careful of when writing this way, where a character is lamenting loss, is that if you go overboard it loses its impact.  One indicator that you are getting close to the line is where a character talks about how 'everyone would be better off without me' type things.  I don't think you have crossed the line here but figured I would mention it since I have read stories (some of them mine >.<) where the sadness/depression/woe-is-me is played up so much it becomes comical.


Thanks much for the advice. I'll definitely keep in mind to not go too far into the "woe-is-me" stuff. And don't worry, if I went too far it's okay to let me know. I'm kinda rusty at writing, so every bit of advice helps.


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## Kindar (Apr 26, 2010)

I havenâ€™t been back there since the â€˜accidentâ€™. Iâ€™ve been curious as to how everyoneâ€™s doing, but I canâ€™t afford to show my face there. If I did I would have another accident and I might not survive that one, but Iâ€™ll be back there one day to make those responsible pay.

In the mean time Iâ€™m on the other side of the country honing my skills. Iâ€™ve thought of contacting the Justicars; I could really use their help in figuring out the extent of my abilities, but the media keeps following them around. I canâ€™t take any chance that my face will show up on the TV. If they ever find out Iâ€™m still alive they will have no problem unleashing Armageddon to make sure I die this time.

So I have to practice by taking down parahuman criminals. Finding more and more powerful ones; both to find out what my limits are and train myself. Iâ€™ve already gone through a good part of the independents in Seattle without having to strain my abilities. Now my sights are set on the organized crime cartels. Once Iâ€™ve taken them all down Iâ€™ll know Iâ€™m strong enough to go home.


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## darkr3x (Apr 26, 2010)

I haven't been back there since i hit a block. A whole universe i want to explore and yet i am barred entry. Why can't my words bring that place to life anymore? I can hear them, the people in that place, begging for their voices to be heard. But i can't give their ideas form.

The ideas are fresh and raw, they promise to make the best dishes. Yet every time I've tried they've just come out slop in a heavy gravy. 

Is it these hands? Is it my skill? Where does my preparation lack that my stories fall flat? 

This came out a bit more serious than I meant it XD


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## Altamont (Apr 26, 2010)

@Kindar

I liked it, especially the amiguity of the subject matter. My main critique would be the tone; I get the sense of monotone throughout the whole piece, such as the entire first two lines. The "accident" is being described, but the emotional connection seems to have been glossed over.

Good piece though


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## Tyvara_Panther (Apr 26, 2010)

To save space, I cut out the posted parts -- we all know what we wrote. If there's some confusion, please feel free to ask. I'm more than willing to explain myself.
*Before I begin:* All comments are given with the best of intentions, and I hope there's something useful here. ^^

___


			
				jinxtigr said:
			
		

> . . .


I know this one's a bit longer, but my hope is to explain some of my issues and impressions on reading.
To begin with, I do like sci fi and robot stuff, but I wasn't very familiar with the term Uncanny Valley -- after looking it up (boy was there a lot of info to go over), the sentence afterward seems out of place. I get that the term encompasses the revulsion of robots based on their level of human-like appearance, but wouldn't humans ignore the concept that robots could be alive to begin with under that mindset? I get that the robot counts himself as alive, but it doesn't make sense to have people under the influence of uncanny valley to apply human characteristics to something they recognize as beneath them.

Also, using a term that's mentioned in story as a phrase, then not explaining the phrase, at least a little, really wasn't helpful. I'd recommend doing some elaboration there. Itâ€™s best when using odd or unique words to make the sentence containing them self explanatory. I had the same issues with 'obstetrics ward' too, mostly because renaming it 'hospice care' didn't help clarify anything. Don't get me wrong, I love new and/or unique words, but the chances of appealing to a broader audience becomes possible when unique words are written into sentences with a more apparent meaning.

I'm also a little confused how the robot connects to networks, yet still maintains that Uncanny Valley feel. I know it's wrong, but it came across to me like the MC was a self-aware toaster over humanizing it's own existence. That was my biggest problem, I couldn't visualize anything concretely, and I know I didn't. Each new bit of information posed more questions than answered. My suggestion would be to elaborate on the bits and pieces that are only eluded to -- or at least make the history leading up to the robots reflective moment more evident. The way everything is delivered comes across like a distorted dance around the general facts. It's not bad, it just has holes that need some filling.




TakeWalker said:


> . . .


There was a lot of emotion in this, and that struck me right away. I liked the personal attack within the devastation of war.

I don't really get the sentence: Mr. Barnard's smile won't keep me dry in the rain. I'm unsure if this is commenting on the current weather situation, or making a generalized statement -- I mean, it's true that someone's smile won't keep anyone dry, but it's an odd statement to make. It makes me wonder if this is a phrase common to the area you live in -- because if it is, I've never heard it before.




Altamont said:


> . . .


Interesting post war take. I like how this focus is on irony instead of devastation -- especially considering that it was posted after Tale's piece. It showcases the variations nicely, but I digress.

Iâ€™m not a fan of using parentheses in story writing, but if you really want to distinguish the internal thought from the break in narration (though I donâ€™t believe itâ€™s necessary, it's evident that itâ€™s the MC's thoughts without the parentheses), my suggestion would be to place the parenthesis around â€˜couldâ€™ instead of â€˜nostalgiaâ€™. Technically nostalgia is the end of the previous sentence, and the mental thought that could be outside of the narration begins with â€˜couldâ€™. Also, there isnâ€™t a need to separate the parentheses as a separate paragraph, though it would probably be less jarring if the parenthesis are moved per my suggestion, because Itâ€™s best to end a sentence on the same line, it cuts out confusion.




Vintage said:


> . . .


The concept of a hotel towel fetishist made me giggle -- true or otherwise, I had some lol's over the mental images. I didn't get the feel for 'Unfortunately, Matty Smith knows his laundromat contractor like a middle-aged hobbyist mechanic is on first-name basis with his local Triple-A.' It came across as more forced than funny. Also, Triple A is not AAA. AAA is specifically for the roadside company. Triple A is a board game, band, and a few other various things. I know rules say to spell things out -- like numbers -- but the name of a company is the name of a company, it doesn't get alterations. I also don't believe malign is used correctly here. Used as a verb it means to slander, and replacing slander in malign's stead, doesn't make sense. So I wonder what the meaning of that sentence is supposed to be.




kitreshawn said:


> . . .


Very powerful -- very angry. I didnâ€™t really get the connection between the gig part of the beginning, and the volunteering and financial theft of the second paragraph. I may not agree with the note it ends on, but the power sure is there. Yes, thereâ€™s lots of swear words, but it adds to the gritty nature of the speaker. To me it made him come across as more street wise. A very forceful vagabond personality, and Iâ€™ve come across people like that, swearing their disgust on street corners.




Hauke said:


> . . .


Okay, I donâ€™t have much to say about this one other than that it feels like it ends right before someone takes a tumble off that cliff. Thereâ€™s buildup to something, so I guess Iâ€™d read on to see what thatâ€™s all about. Other than that, I was waiting to see how the description of the mountain path that no one saw connected to the rest of the story.




Molly said:


> . . .


I can totally relate to this. Iâ€™m a really bad pen pal. As Iâ€™ve gotten older and gone through cycles of friends, Iâ€™ve made my own attempts at maintaining contacts.

I suppose if I had to pick, the thing that stood out was the repeat of child; specifically in the double of childish worries, and then childhood friends. Itâ€™s established from the first childish worries that the association of the friends, and the level of seriousness to the worries is childish, so thereâ€™s really no need to repeat it.




Kindar said:


> . . .


So I tried to figure out what Justicars was, and apparently there are a variety of worlds that use the term, so Iâ€™m not sure which one this story is referring to. Because of that, quite a bit went over my head.

My suggestion would be to give more examples of what world youâ€™re working with. Sure, people familiar with the world in question might get it right away, but to reach out to a broader audience, Iâ€™d recommend throwing in a bit more to establish the world to the layman. By all means use the words that are familiar and universe specific, but also add what could work to explain things on a broader scale, yet still tie in to the world. Since Iâ€™m not familiar with the world youâ€™re working in, I wouldnâ€™t make the best suggestions, but I think/hope you get the idea.




darkr3x said:


> . . .


Interesting take on writerâ€™s block. I kinda liked the food comparison; Iâ€™ve heard some writers compare their prose to an over seasoned stew (when theyâ€™re going through a funk), so this worked for me. I donâ€™t really have much else to comment on. It was pretty short.

___
*To everyone:* Great jobs on all these! It was really neat to see the variations that one sentence can engender.
Take care, and keep writing. ^^


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## kitreshawn (Apr 28, 2010)

Alright, some more submissions.  Here I go!



Kindar said:


> I havenâ€™t been back there since the â€˜accidentâ€™. Iâ€™ve been curious as to how everyoneâ€™s doing, but I canâ€™t afford to show my face there. If I did I would have another accident and I might not survive that one, but Iâ€™ll be back there one day to make those responsible pay.
> 
> In the mean time Iâ€™m on the other side of the country honing my skills. Iâ€™ve thought of contacting the Justicars; I could really use their help in figuring out the extent of my abilities, but the media keeps following them around. I canâ€™t take any chance that my face will show up on the TV. If they ever find out Iâ€™m still alive they will have no problem unleashing Armageddon to make sure I die this time.
> 
> So I have to practice by taking down parahuman criminals. Finding more and more powerful ones; both to find out what my limits are and train myself. Iâ€™ve already gone through a good part of the independents in Seattle without having to strain my abilities. Now my sights are set on the organized crime cartels. Once Iâ€™ve taken them all down Iâ€™ll know Iâ€™m strong enough to go home.



Not sure what this is exactly, but it gives me a superhero vibe.  Not something a typically read so bare with me.

You certainly get attention.  In 3 paragraphs you gave me a lot of questions.  What are the Justicars?  What are parahuman criminals?  Why Seattle instead of some other city?  This is a good thing because questions keep a reader reading.  Just be sure that you are fair to the reader and address them all later.  

As for what bothers me, there are two main ones.  First off there doesn't seem to be much emotional involvement with whatever the accident was.  Especially since you talk about 'making those responsible' pay.  Revenge is a very strong emotion, so try to make your writing a bit less level headed and more forceful to convey that.

My second one I am going to separate out because I am not picking on you about this but addressing it as more of a general note (it is one of my pet peeves) that I think everyone needs to be reminded of from time to time.  When you say "as to how" up in that first paragraph you are being needlessly wordy and sound like you are trying to put on airs or be artistic.  This is bad because it rips the reader out of the story!  Better would have been "about how" or something similar.

Rule of thumb: don't do verbal gymnastics because it pulls the reader out of your story to notice what you've done when they should be losing themselves in what is happening in your narration.





darkr3x said:


> I haven't been back there since i hit a block. A whole universe i want to explore and yet i am barred entry. Why can't my words bring that place to life anymore? I can hear them, the people in that place, begging for their voices to be heard. But i can't give their ideas form.
> 
> The ideas are fresh and raw, they promise to make the best dishes. Yet every time I've tried they've just come out slop in a heavy gravy.
> 
> ...



Sometimes being surprised by the outcome is good!  Leads you to new ideas you might not have had before.

This sounds more like a piece about introspection.  Again, perfectly fine.  I suppose the thing I like best about it is how honest it comes off as.  It is hard to put what I mean into words, but the feeling that an author is being honest with you is very important.

That said I find the food analogies a little bit off putting, though I cannot say why.  I suppose they feel misplaced to me.  Maybe experiment with different types of analogies and see if something feels like it fits better to you.


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## darkr3x (Apr 28, 2010)

Well, this will be some epic.

*Crits*
*jinxtigr
*I liked the premise presented here, but it was very jumpy. Perhaps that's what happens when one's mind is tapped into a network, as you move from node to node your train of thought jumps as well. Interesting if that's the case, but i don't know if i could read a whole story like this.

* TakeWalker
*Wow this took a turn rather quickly. I like the imagery, but my neck hurts from the sudden snap. Getting over it though, it gives me a rather haunting view into what the future might be like. The brief glimpse of the narrators past, and his attempt to feel good about it, gives a strong contrast to the global loss.

*Altamont
*The transition from the opening to the narrators first thought is a bit rough, perhaps 'had it been that long' instead of 'how long had it been' would flow with the tense better. the description of the wasteland could be unpacked a little, it doesn't feel like someone returning home after being away for a long time; more like someone looking over yet another blasted town. Then again perhaps that is all the narrators seen since he left home and he's just gone numb from it. A good start with lots of questions to be answered.
*
 Vintage
*This was quirky and occasionally verbose. Though they're tempered well with the pacing that gives to to breathe. The ending feels a bit forced like you had to stop yourself from writing more XD. Overall i like it, even if its a bit of an odd duck.

* kitreshawn*
  Angry! That said i'm hung up on the word gig and how it relates to the narrator. Is he a musician? A performer? Does he do stand up telling sarcastic jokes about his past? You characterize his scorn for his past very well but don't really give him much of a future. though with that attitude he probably doesn't if he isn't one of those things i think he is. The nine to five desk job doesn't really help relive pent up hatred, if anything it causes more.

*Hauke
*This much like it's subject matter seems more an effort of going there than actually getting there. Nothing really changes or happens but it is an enjoyable climb to the hidden summit and it does give a wide angle shot of what could be a rather harrowing or interesting adventure depending on what happens next. Good to see you writing again.^^

* Tyvara_Panther
*I'll leave a response there.
* 
 Molly
*I liked this, mostly because after four years away from home, it's odd to look at who I'm still in contact with. Overall a solid piece, it would make a good teaser on the back or front flap.

* Kindar*
  For some reason, and i think the word Justicar is at fault, this becomes something out of the MassEffect universe for me. Granted this gives me a complete world to put the rather vague segment into. that aside, this was a bit emotionless for such a personal feeling matter. Perhaps one was trying to convey a smoldering rage, kept in check by rationale, but it comes across as a bit grey.
* 
Responses to Crits*
*Tyvara_Panther
*Thanks for the feedback^^ I'm sorry it was a bit too short for your taste. (>.< I did it again XD. Writing is not cooking) Just wrote until it felt forced, something I've picked up after the sheer number of papers put down this semester.
*
 kitereshawn*
  Yeah i'm on a terrible food analogy kick right now. I think it's because food is usually a common thread amongst most people. Many probably know, or could imagine, what slop-esc stew would look or smell like. I'll work on trying to figure out better figures of speech, there have to be other skills that people can empathize with. thanks for the feedback^^


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## TakeWalker (Apr 28, 2010)

darkr3x said:


> * TakeWalker
> *Wow this took a turn rather quickly. I like the imagery, but my neck hurts from the sudden snap. Getting over it though, it gives me a rather haunting view into what the future might be like. The brief glimpse of the narrators past, and his attempt to feel good about it, gives a strong contrast to the global loss.



Kinda waiting until the crits are over to answer the one question that keeps coming up about mine, but I wanted to ask for a little clarification: what turn?


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## darkr3x (Apr 28, 2010)

TakeWalker said:


> Kinda waiting until the crits are over to answer the one question that keeps coming up about mine, but I wanted to ask for a little clarification: what turn?


 
From the it started I expected a introspective look into the narrators past or commentary on generational gaps. instead the next line is quite jarringly not those things.

Maybe it was just me, but the switch up from "haven't been back since grade school, now look at this place." to "burned, broken. rotten." was just a bit unexpected and it threw me. Maybe i'm just marrow minded in my expectations. >.<


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## FanaticRat (Apr 28, 2010)

I havenâ€™t been back since Jacob puked on the waitress. Granted, that was in no way my fault, but just because youâ€™re not the one spewing your lunch on an overworked and underpaid grad student doesnâ€™t mean youâ€™re not gonna get associated with him. They didnâ€™t outright say that I was banned from that Dennyâ€™s, but  people tend to remember that kinda thing. In any case, no more after-party pancake runs at 2:30 in the morning again.
	But it was 9:30 in the morning and itâ€™d been three months and I was hungry and my buddy Jacob was quite sober. Unfortunately, neither of us had any idea how a stove works which kind of kills any chance of making fried eggs, and that Dennyâ€™s was the only restaurant that could provide that and was near enough for our lazy asses to walk to.
	I fixed my eyes dead on the floor as we walked in, as opposed to Jacob who strutted like he owned the place. â€œTwo, please,â€ said Jacob to the waitressâ€”it wasnâ€™t the one from before, thank Godâ€”and we got our table. We perused the menus, and I, somewhat high off the feeling that the management had forgotten about us, thought, â€œWhat the hell, why not be a bit adventurous?â€ and got the omelet of the week (it was covered in some sort of sauce I canâ€™t pronounce), wolfing it down when it came out.
	I havenâ€™t been back since I puked on the waitress.


Man, 250 words is hard. >_>


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## kitreshawn (Apr 28, 2010)

FanaticRat said:


> I havenâ€™t been back since Jacob puked on the waitress. Granted, that was in no way my fault, but just because youâ€™re not the one spewing your lunch on an overworked and underpaid grad student doesnâ€™t mean youâ€™re not gonna get associated with him. They didnâ€™t outright say that I was banned from that Dennyâ€™s, but  people tend to remember that kinda thing. In any case, no more after-party pancake runs at 2:30 in the morning again.
> But it was 9:30 in the morning and itâ€™d been three months and I was hungry and my buddy Jacob was quite sober. Unfortunately, neither of us had any idea how a stove works which kind of kills any chance of making fried eggs, and that Dennyâ€™s was the only restaurant that could provide that and was near enough for our lazy asses to walk to.
> I fixed my eyes dead on the floor as we walked in, as opposed to Jacob who strutted like he owned the place. â€œTwo, please,â€ said Jacob to the waitressâ€”it wasnâ€™t the one from before, thank Godâ€”and we got our table. We perused the menus, and I, somewhat high off the feeling that the management had forgotten about us, thought, â€œWhat the hell, why not be a bit adventurous?â€ and got the omelet of the week (it was covered in some sort of sauce I canâ€™t pronounce), wolfing it down when it came out.
> I havenâ€™t been back since I puked on the waitress.
> ...



Heh, it gets easier to do 250 words once you are into writing every day.

The main thing I like about this, beyond the light hearted tone, is the way you have this sort of full circle thing.  Again, sort of like a flash fiction, even though a self contained story wasn't necessary I really like what you did with it.

My biggest comment is word economy.  It is hard to explain in simple terms, but basically you should read your story and ask if it is possible to cut words out without changing meaning, or replace several words with a single one that means the same thing.  To give an example so you know what I mean:



> They didnâ€™t outright say that I was banned from that Dennyâ€™s...



Would be much better if you wrote it as:



> They didn't outright say I was banned from the Denny's...



Or something similar.  Maybe even completely rewrite the sentence to change the word order to something else.

(for reference picked this example because the word 'that' can often be cut out without impacting meaning)


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## kitreshawn (Apr 29, 2010)

*closes critiques for this workshop as Thursday is the Thursday Prompt*

If others wish to do the Workshop or add in their critiques that is fine by me, I'm just considering this workshop done for now.  Expect another one on Saturday!


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## Vintage (Apr 29, 2010)

*@Hauke*: you graded the tension in this piece quite nicely. you add the trail, then you add the stones, then you add the danger of falling. can't really find anything, maybe because i'm tired

*@Tyvara_Panther*: not a bad piece by any means. you did kind of typo 'scent' (p. 2, line 2) but the piece as a whole is good; it's a common event seen through a different perspective, and i like that. i also liked the comparison of the mouse trap to a monster.

*@Molly*: a nice bit of personal introspection about something i think a fair number of us can relate to (i certainly can). i would personally use a bit more imagery, but i'm crazy about images so that's me

*@Kindar*: it's kind of vague what the 'accident' is or what skills this guy has, but i'm sure that's intentional. one book you could look to in regard to ideas on expanding this concept is _Oryx and Crake_ by Margaret Atwood, a speculative fiction that deals with likely similar 'accidents' and blunders by humankind. i recommend this to you partly because the line "I canâ€™t take any chance that my face will show up on the TV" reminded me of the book (the protagonist's mother abandons the family for an ecoterrorist group and she does a pretty good job of making sure she isn't seen)

*@FanaticRat*: another good 'vernacular' piece. i like these. i've noticed that people who keep in touch with their vernacular tend to be pretty good at dialogue, so i'd like to see more of that, especially when you take into account a social situation like this one. i also like how you end with the same line you started with.

those who gave me critique, i appreciate it


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## TakeWalker (Apr 29, 2010)

Just wanted to say: to all of you who were confused or whatever by the smile thing.

That's what happens when you take metaphors too far. :V There's a reason I don't write like this normally, it just kind of happens.


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## Seiiki (Apr 30, 2010)

I haven't been back there since I was so young and foolish. That desk, hiding the notebooks of my past. My hands were once stained with the grime that brought life to those empty, soulless sheets of paper. Pieces of my soul, connecting to those stories and people that came from the depths of my electronic cerebrum. I was once gullible. I thought, no, I knew that my purpose would be creating life from nothing but the pencil that sat within my fingers. Though as time went by, I felt as though my future was a ghost drifting into the dreary clouds of a charcoal black sky. The waves of doubt crashed into my spirit and wore it down until it was just another tiny pebble in the sea of monotonous life. I had become one of the ones I hated the most. Conforming to the life that I was forced to live, but I was only alive. I was not living life. I am a drone and merely that. A creative-less vessel who yearns to break from the codes that have entrapped me. I realize now that it'll never happen, I will always be perched within my cage, but maybe one day we will break free to fly past those dark clouds and into the warmth of the sun. 


I'm sort of new to creative writing. Am I at a good starting point? Where do you think I need to improve? Do you find it unclear? Etc etc.


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