# Looking For General Criticism



## CraskWolf (Aug 26, 2008)

Hi, I recently began what I hope will turn into a serial/novella, and I would be grateful if anyone could give me their opinion of this introduction, as well as whether they would read more (and thus, whether I should write more), and any criticisms to improve it:





The wolf opened his eyes, and found himself staring at a dark, muddy concrete floor. Every bone and muscle in his body protested as he tried to push himself up, feeling the stone rough and cool beneath his forepaws, rubbing against his furry chest. Everything was damp, and a dank odour hung in the air, which had settled over him like a cloak. His arms straightened, and with a grunt he tried to hold his body up... unsuccessfully. Giving a few dramatic shakes, his limbs buckled and his muzzle bashed against the hard ground with a dull thud. From somewhere in the room, a low chuckle emerged, lightly touching his sensitive ears, before vanishing completely, leaving the disoriented wolf to question whether he had heard anything at all. 

Groaning, the wolf put a paw to his face (Wonderful, blood, he thought) and rolled onto his back, where he lay, panting, staring at the candelbra covered in cobwebs above him, which appeared to be the only source of light in the room. Giving his body a chance to recover, his chest heaving, grunting at the strain of drawing each breath, he began to consider his situation. The room had so far triggered no recognition in his mind, and so he settled on the idea that he did not know where he was, almost laughing at the apparent obviousness of that knowledge. The more he thought about it, the more he realised, with a sense of growing dismay, how little he did actually know. The strain of dredging his mind for some kind of clue for where he was, even who he was, left him with a splitting pain at both his temples, so he gave up for the moment, relaxing against the ground, and pondering his next move.

"Oh, don't give up so easily", came a low, delocalised growl, seeming to come from everywhere, and nowhere, "I was rather enjoying watching you flail about on the floor there"

Immediatly after the sound of the voice had died from the room, a dull baying started, growing out of the darkness, and ebbing and flowing, encircling the startled wolf. The adrenalin now coursing through his veins, gave the wolf the strength to push himself to a sitting position.

"That's much better, Crask" came the voice again. This time he could tell that the voice was coming from directly in front of him, probably only inches from where the darkness of the room fell to block his sight, "I don't expect you to stand for me, friend, but lying down is a bit crude, isn't it?". There was a pause, as the disembodied voice allowed for the baying to grow in response, waiting for it to die down again before continuing. "Imagine my surprise when one of my hounds found you, in a crumpled heap in the middle of the street. Especially, after everything I'd been told about you", the voice, which until now had been rather neutral, returned, dripping with menace and venom, "Especially after how much you've been paid. This is your first and final warning."

The final syllable reverberated around the room, chilling the wolf down to the marrow of his bones, gradually being swallowed up by the silence. The words the voice had spoken weighed down heavily upon him, he didn't much like the idea of a "final warning", and although he had been provided with some information (Crask, huh? he thought to himself, I'm sure there are worse names), it appeared he was caught up in something which would require much more than knowing his name to get through.

After contemplating his fate for some time, he realised it was very unlikely he could gleam anything further from this gloomy cell. Feeling somewhat recovered, he veritably leapt to his feet, displaying a hidden reserve of athleticism. "Seems there are some things you never forget", Crask muttered to himself. Locating an exit was of the most immediate concern to him, so he pushed his thousand questions to the back of his mind, as he began tracing along the course stone wall with both his paws, letting out an occasional curse as he knocked into various unidentified items littered near the wall. Finally, he came across a door handle, and with a sigh of relief, swung it open.

Light flooded into the room, temporarily blinding him as his eyes adjusted to actually being able to see something. In front of him, a narrow staircase lead up to an open doorway, from which the faintest murmurs of conversation could be heard, drifting down to him. Desperate to escape from the confinement of the cellar, it never occured to Crask to question how whoever had addressed him had left the room, since the light flooding in would have instantly revealed the speaker. Crask would come to regret that oversight, after the events that followed this strangest of beginnings, but he could be forgiven for overlooking that one, significant question, considering the number of unanswered questions that had presented themselves over the course of the last few minutes. With renewed vigor, the wolf bounded up the stairs.


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## M. LeRenard (Aug 26, 2008)

In general, it's pretty good.  I can't think of anything stylistically terrible about it, and your grammar is great, so I might just give a few specifics that bothered me a little.  Specifics are all you need at this point, I would say.
Using the word 'forepaws' instead of hands made me pretty well confused for a while if we were talking about a wolf wolf or an anthro wolf.  I'm assuming it's the latter, but that first description didn't really make that clear.  No sense using furry vocabulary when it murks up your intended meaning.
The 'hidden reserve of athleticism' seems a mite improbable if you consider the way you started this thing off.  I might buy it if he questioned it more himself, but right now it sounds more like an excuse than anything.  No need to take shortcuts; he would still reach his destination if he painfully crawled up those stairs instead, and it would make a bit more sense.
Other than that... not much bad about it.  I like the element of mystery (hooray for withholding information!  So many writers have trouble with that), your description (while maybe slightly cliche here and there) is on the right track, and you write at a good enough pace to keep it interesting.  Definitely keep going on this one.


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## Nargle (Aug 26, 2008)

I think it's very good! There aren't any glaring issues here. And the concept itself is great!

Only thing I noticed, is that your sentences are a tad wordy. Not by much, but a little. Let me give an example:

"Immediatly after the sound of the voice had died from the room, a dull baying started, growing out of the darkness, and ebbing and flowing, encircling the startled wolf."

Now for mine: The sound of the voice died, and immediately a dull baying emitted from the growing darkness. It's ebbs and flows encircled the startled wolf.

Dunno, just try to condense some sentences so there isn't a lot of "Thing one happened, and thing two happened, and thing three happened.." You know what I mean? =3 Otherwise, VERY good!! =D


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## kitreshawn (Aug 26, 2008)

I tend to agree that your sentences are a bit wordy but disagree that it would be good (in all cases) to split them into 2 or 3 different sentences.  Instead first try to remove any word you can that is not necessary to the meaning of the piece.  There are a lot of ones that can commonly be omitted.  "that" is a very good one to start with, removing excess "that"s tends to make a story much better.  For example:

There was a pause, as the disembodied voice allowed for the baying to grow in response, waiting for it to die down again before continuing.

could be:

There was a pause, the disembodied voice allowing for the baying to grow in response before dying down again.


That is a savings of 7 words.  In general fewer words makes for a stronger piece.  I am not saying you should write super-concisely but rather that every word you use bring something to the story.  As "Elements of Style" puts it, every word must tell.


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## Nargle (Aug 26, 2008)

kitreshawn said:


> I tend to agree that your sentences are a bit wordy but disagree that it would be good (in all cases) to split them into 2 or 3 different sentences.  Instead first try to remove any word you can that is not necessary to the meaning of the piece.  There are a lot of ones that can commonly be omitted.  "that" is a very good one to start with, removing excess "that"s tends to make a story much better.  For example:
> 
> There was a pause, as the disembodied voice allowed for the baying to grow in response, waiting for it to die down again before continuing.
> 
> ...



I agree, and that's what I meant by condensing. I hope I didn't appear to be saying "chop your sentences up.." That wouldn't be good o.o


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## CraskWolf (Aug 27, 2008)

Thanks a lot everyone so far for the comments, it's all been very valuable (and encouraging).

I will definetly take on board everything said. 



> The 'hidden reserve of athleticism' seems a mite improbable if you consider the way you started this thing off. I might buy it if he questioned it more himself, but right now it sounds more like an excuse than anything. No need to take shortcuts; he would still reach his destination if he painfully crawled up those stairs instead, and it would make a bit more sense.


 
Yeah, reading it again, it doesn't really make much sense, definetly taking a shortcut there. Think I'll rewrite that bit.



> Only thing I noticed, is that your sentences are a tad wordy. Not by much, but a little.


 


> first try to remove any word you can that is not necessary to the meaning of the piece. There are a lot of ones that can commonly be omitted. "that" is a very good one to start with, removing excess "that"s tends to make a story much better


 
This is exactly why I asked for criticism, I was actually worried about the other problem, being too stop-start. I guess that's because I'm so familiar with every word of it, and I was concerned with a flow issue, so I even added a few words here and there to try and correct it.



> forepaws


 
And yeah, I think hands would have been better.


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