# try this  The Curse!



## Gnarl (Jul 8, 2015)

Alright so you didn't like the last one, but how about this sort of thing? 
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17049623/

Comments??


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## Conker (Jul 8, 2015)

Well, first thoughts are that it's quite a bit better than the last thing you posted on pretty much every level. I feel like the scene in the beginning and the battle that takes place could really be fleshed out. I like detailed battles, though I understand how hard it is to balance some of that out. But right now, it's all very tell-y sounding. 

How long has the cursed one been watching this battle? Why was this the thing that broke the camel's back, so to speak? What's the battle over? Looks like a random caravan attack, but is it more than that? For the second question, I imagine that's something a bit bigger than a first chapter would tackle, but even a hint that what was going on bothered the cursed character more than the normal bloodshed would be nice. 

I feel like the "don't look at me, I'm a monster" thing is a bit cliche, especially given how melodramatic it comes off here. The "Don't say I didn't warn you" also comes off as a bit...I dunno. Unbelievable and over the top. 

Your "like a frying pan to the face" simile doesn't fit the tone at all, either.

How come she refers to Jake as "the male" when she knows his name?

So, yeah. Those are my thoughts on this. Assuming the main character doesn't turn into a Mary Sue, you've got the start to something interesting.


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## Gnarl (Jul 8, 2015)

I like the comments and I will drop the "Frying pan in the face" thing it is kind of out of place. I do not understand this Mary Sue reference, what is that? Sounds like a bubbly country bumkin who says, 
"ya'll are comin home with me fer dinner!" Not mentioning that you are the dinner! ????


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## Conker (Jul 8, 2015)

Gnarl said:


> I like the comments and I will drop the "Frying pan in the face" thing it is kind of out of place. I do not understand this Mary Sue reference, what is that? Sounds like a bubbly country bumkin who says,
> "ya'll are comin home with me fer dinner!" Not mentioning that you are the dinner! ????


A Mary Sue is an author insert character who is really good at everything and everyone loves. She usually had some very minor flaws that are hardly flaws at all but only exist to make her not seem 100% perfect.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MarySue

Big breakdown there. The definition kinda varies from person to person, as it says. 



> The prototypical Mary Sue is an original female character in a fanfic who obviously serves as an idealized version of the author mainly for the purpose of Wish Fulfillment. She's exotically beautiful, often having an unusual hair or eye color, and has a similarly cool and exotic name.  She's exceptionally talented in an implausibly wide variety of areas,  and may possess skills that are rare or nonexistent in the canon  setting. She also lacks any realistic, or at least story-relevant,  character flaws â€” either that or her "flaws" are obviously meant to be  endearing.



I'll admit, your "i'm a monster" character being gorgeous raised a few red flags in this department.


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## Gnarl (Jul 8, 2015)

I understand the reference now. Nope, she has a lot of flaws and is most definitely not the perfect catch-all character. She is the main character of the story and the basic idea is her having to come to grips and rediscover herself in the midst of the conflict across several star systems. She must learn to deal with something she could never have even dreamt of before now. I believe I deleted the "I'm a monster" part in the first edit.


sorry about that I put the first edit in scraps: 


alright fine forget that first link! here is the second edit where I did get rid of that monster thing!

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17052394/


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