# Coping with remote communication anxiety



## Jubatian (Jan 8, 2022)

Would like to ask for advice or help on this problem if anyone had any idea.

I am very likely to be autistic to some degree (undiagnosed). In my childhood, I had severe difficulty with any social interaction, picking up emotions, later I consciously learned a lot of it, however always knew that many behavioural patterns are intuitive to the majority where I use learned patterns, consciously acting so I fit in.

With online interaction, I have a fair share of traumatic memories. I can't pick up emotion through chat. Communicating online even with people I consider friends is often stressful to me, even in completely ordinary situations, sharing things interesting to us. Having deficiencies with emotions, I easily could "say" things in one or another way inappropriate, and have no feedback like in a real life setting to make corrections.

The language barrier is also a problem. English is not my native language, and without real life interaction to learn how to use it in a casual setting, I can't learn the subtleties, so remain even more prone to make mistakes. Such already happened a few times, at least those which I could come aware of later on, the unknowingly hurt person eventually exploding on me.

Compared to Hungary where I come from, here in the UK my experience is that it is nigh impossible to meet up with people. The Covid mostly obliterated real life events. So there is no opportunity to make real life contact where I could understand the person using the usual cues, pick up emotion, correct mistakes. No opportunity to build up a friendship where we trust each other enough that he wouldn't blow up on me unknowingly typing up something inappropriate in a chat without means to fix it.

This isn't just among furries, I am doing some volunteering, but it also feels stiff. No much opportunity for relaxed real life interaction with anyone anywhere. (Hungarian volunteering settings in comparison were very relaxed, evening around campfire, sleeping in bunks on the site... Of course pre-Covid)

Seriously no idea.


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## Kope (Jan 10, 2022)

It’s ok just keep at it and you’ll pick up eventually at least in my case as I’m autistic too. There’s an app called Duolingo that has helped me learned other languages. I wish you the best my friend


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## ConorHyena (Jan 10, 2022)

Especially in the fandom it helps being upfront with people if you can't quite gauge their emotions. A simple sentence along the lines of 'I'm sorry, english isn't my native language and I have problems picking up people's moods from text at the best of times, please bear with me' often does wonders.


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## Jubatian (Jan 10, 2022)

@Kope @ConorHyena Thank you both, I feel the problem is just way more subtle than this. I am pretty much fluent with the language, using it daily in my job, both written and spoken, and also read a lot of English literature, watch English language films. I did have problems communicating online even in my native Hungarian language, however by now I only keep contact with such Hungarian people who were my real life friends for very long. So part of it could very well be as I myself feel, but only part, and thinking about such subtleties which ordinary English courses wouldn't cover.

Now I have no real life familiarity at all, living the 3rd year in this country in isolation apart from the job until Covid sent us home. Things don't seem to work anything similar here to Hungary, where people by my experience are generally very open and expecting to meet up if they are interested at all, otherwise not any keen on maintaining online contact. I have difficulty judging whether even the numerous contacts I picked up are even interested. I keep winding up in months and months of online chat with various people without meeting, so not having any chance to pick up emotional cues, to get any familiar with them. Keeping on expressing I might make mistakes with the language over such duration I don't feel being any productive.

So really no idea. No feedback. No understanding why it goes this way. Sorry for it, I am just seriously lost.


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## Pomorek (Jan 10, 2022)

I have no good advice, the only thing I can offer is telling you that you're not alone in this. I have disproportional anxiety of online interactions. Not being very social IRL, I think I'm extremely asocial online. I like the forum format precisely because it's not real-time and I can think before I type my stuff and click to post it (I also use notes and e-mail for the same reason). Otherwise, when there's not enough time to think, my brain easily goes haywire and the effects are ranging from embarrassing to cringy. Hell, I think I can't avoid it entirely even here, but that's how it must be apparently - very much like you, I had to consciously learn the acceptable communications patterns, and it never feels natural for me to be "normal".


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## EugeniiaMed (Oct 13, 2022)

hello author,
we all have difficulties with online communication. Sometimes I am very afraid when meet with my colleagues in zoom and if there are partners speaking foreign language, and you undersatnd that you can understand nothing from their speeach. it is awful. but it is our reality. nobody rejected when i asked second or third time and asked to repeat or to say in other words. of course, such asking should be followed with ''please'' and ''could you''. also, a big role is about technical issues - internet. very important to have aproper internet connection and fast internet. very good to use headphones - it can facilitate speach recognition especially if you hardly understand the words. here there is an article about 5 tips for remote managers to ensure team connection and engagement, but you can also find more info in net about remote communication. the only advice is that all depends on personal attitude and establixhment, so be patient and smile, knoe that everything will be ok.


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