# Dragon Dynasty



## Phoenixwildfire (Jun 25, 2008)

I'm posting the first chapter in here, in this thread, so that it's easier to read (I have a docx formated word, so it gets messed up for some reason)





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Chapter 1: Destiny

Times have changed, and those who once protected us are now working to destroy us. The world has gone into chaos and malice, the demons of hatred infecting the minds of all of mankind. They think we have disappeared; we have not. We are only in disguise, waiting for a time to reveal ourselves again to bring order to this world when the white dragon is born.

15 years ago:

â€œThe hunters are here!â€ A red haired man yelled, his yellow eyes wide with fear as he ran as quickly as he could into the camp of his people. The very trees of the South American jungle shook with fear for the inhabitants of this small village, who were not pouring out of their clay and wood huts into the protection of the forest. 
â€œHow did they find us?!â€ A blue-haired man yelled back to the one who had shouted the warning, a white-haired girl cowering behind him with wide yellow eyes.
â€œI do not know, Shinta. All I know is that I saw them- they have claw and horn weapons with them, so they are dangerous.â€ The red-haired man said quickly, his voice stammering as he looked around wildly for any signs of danger. 
â€œWe must run, Namito. This place is no longer safe. We will find a new home, and try to lay low again. Hurry- we must go.â€ Shinta said, looking down at the girl behind him. â€œLittle sister, we have to run now. Are you ready?â€
The small girl nodded, her eyes wide with fear as she heard screams of pain in the distance. They had already started their work, killing the people she knew and loved. Why did they hate her so much? What had she done?
Shinta looked behind him with pained eyes as he heard the familiar scream of his father and kneeled beside the girl. â€œAki, you must be strong. You will not touch these bad men, they will make you sick.â€ Shinta took the girl into his arms, in a tight hug for some semblance of reassurance among this horror. 
â€œShinta, we have to go! Hurry- you must let her go by herself, or sheâ€™ll slow us down.â€ The red-haired man said, his eyes wide and wild as he looked at the humans bursting through the forest with large swords looking to be made of bone. They spotted the three people and started running, their eyes directed toward the small girl. 
â€œThey will not take her! I will not allow it!â€ Shinta yelled, his eyes glowing a fierce blue. Aki shielded her eyes as the glow became stronger and Shintaâ€™s form rippled and grew into a new form, a long serpent made of clear, blue-tinted ice. 
â€œGet on!â€ Shinta cried, his voice echoing in an almost ethereal tone as he looked back at Aki, who was trying to climb up the slippery sides of his back. With her finally on top of him and firmly gripping his blue mane, Shinta started slithering much like a snake along the ground, digging deep rivets into the dirt. He closed his eyes to muster all of his energy and sprung into the air, slithering through the sky until he was only a blue speck among the white clouds. 

Now:

Aki sighed as she pulled her long white hair into a pony tail in the bathroom mirror of the small motel she and her older brother were staying at. Remembering the fateful day she had lost contact with the rest of the dragons, she bit her lip nervously at the thought of meeting this new dragon Shinta had found in the city they were currently stopping in. For some reason Shinta didnâ€™t want her to meet the new dragon until he had met him first and made sure he was safe enough for her to go near. It always bugged her how he was so overprotective of her, for no apparent reason. Sure she was different from the other dragons, being white instead of the normal blue, red, green or brown, but that made no difference to her, it mean she had no defenses. No element was harbored within her soul to be used in an attack, like Shintaâ€™s ice. She looked up as the blue haired man walked into the hotel, shutting the door behind him and putting the door lock into its place. 
â€œAlright Aki, are you ready to meet the new guy? Heâ€™s a fire dragon. His name is Hi. Original, huh?â€ Shinta laughed, walking over to the entrance of the bathroom to watch his little sister mess with her beautiful white hair. She was old enough to be anxious meeting this new dragon since she was now 20, old enough to be looking for a mate. Shinta, being nearly 30 now, was anxious had the possibility of his little sister meeting someone who was possibly a mate for her. He didnâ€™t like the idea of her romping around with anyone, much less a young punk. 
â€œYou look fine, Aki, why are you so worried about how you look?â€
â€œOther than you, this is the only dragon I remember meeting. I want to look my best.â€ Aki smiled sweetly, reminding Shinta once again why it was so important to protect her from any harm. She was the only one of her kind in the whole world- the white dragon, born only once in a century, and the only white dragon for the last 500 years to not be corrupted by hatred by the time they were 20, and mature in dragon terms. She was the hope of their race to be able to set the world straight, but must be pure in order to do so. If she even so much as touches a being filled with hatred toward her or anyone she knows, she will get sick, or worse- turn to a black dragon. Shinta had heard of the infamous black dragon, and couldnâ€™t stand the idea of his sweet little sister turning into such a monster. 
â€œReady!â€ Aki said, pulling Shinta out of his thoughts as he looked up at her with a smile. 
â€œLooks good to me- ready to go?â€ He said, walking to the door to unlock the safety latch. He opened the door for Aki and shut it behind himself, his walking slightly rigid in anxiousness at this next encounter.

â€œSo, youâ€™re back, huh?â€ the red-haired man looked at Shinta as he walked up to the younger man, with Aki hidden from view behind him. 
â€œYeah, and I brought someone else for you to meet. Aki, this is Hi. Hi, this is Aki.â€
Hi looked at the girl with wide yellows eyes and looked quickly to Shinta. 
â€œYou didnâ€™t tell me you knew the white dragon, why the hell wouldnâ€™t you have mentioned that?!â€ Hi growled at Shinta, then looked at Aki nervously. â€œNice to meet you.â€ He said, bowing slightly as was the custom to a dragon male meeting a new female. 
Aki nodded her head and smiled sweetly. â€œNice to meet you too.â€ She said, her voice soft. She wondered why it had been such a big deal to him that Shinta had not mentioned her. She wasnâ€™t that important. 
â€œSoâ€¦ youâ€™re the white dragon? Have you been on the move with Shinta this whole time?â€ Hi looked at her with his eyebrows raised in curiosity.
â€œSince the attack on the dynasty when I was little, yes. He thought it was best to keep me on the move to avoid the hunters.â€
â€œShinta, did you ever think that since no one has seen the white dragon for 15 years, that many thought she was dead? No one told us you left with her.â€ Hi looked toward Shinta with angry eyes.
â€œI figured Namito would have told you we had left- he saw us take off.â€
â€œNamito died in that battle. He didnâ€™t even have a chance to scream before they killed him. He never told anyone anything.â€ 
Shinta froze, his eyes wide in horror. Had he taken away the only hope of his species, by hiding Aki? He had thought it was best at the time, but nowâ€¦ people may have given up hope and been consumed by the elements within them, after giving up their will to live. 
â€œI know what youâ€™re thinking. No oneâ€™s died of despair, at least none that I know of anyway. I think you should make contact with whatâ€™s left of the dynasty though. I know where they are, but they may beâ€¦ annoyed with you.â€ Hi smirked. Shinta let out a long sigh and nodded. 
â€œI know, I did not mean for this to happen. I was just thinking of what was best for Aki at the time.â€
â€œUnderstandable.â€ Hi nodded, and turned to Aki with a wry smile. â€œAki, do you remember the dynasty?â€
â€œNo, all I remember is people dying and then running.â€ Aki said sadly. She didnâ€™t even remember what her parents looked like. 
â€œWell, the dynasty isnâ€™t quite as big as it was before that attack, but itâ€™s still nice to be with others of your own kind. Shinta, would you like to take her to the dynasty? I believe they would be grateful to see her.â€
Shinta nodded, and looked to Aki for her opinion. When the young woman nodded as well, he held out a hand to Hi. â€œDeal, weâ€™ll take Aki to the dynasty, so that she can meet with the elders and we can see what we can do about this horrific world.â€ Shinta said, smiling in satisfaction when the younger dragon took his wrist and they shook in the manner of ancient custom to seal a deal. â€œBut only on one condition.â€
Hi looked up in surprise as Shinta spoke, refusing to release his grip on Hiâ€™s arm until he was done. 
â€œYou must protect Aki, along with myself. She is the last hope of our race, and she must be kept safe.â€ Shinta said, looking straight into Hiâ€™s eyes and seeing only confidence. 
â€œOf course. I would have done that without you making it part of the deal, but weâ€™ll include it in the contract as a reassurance.â€ Hi chuckled, and they released their grips. 
â€œAki, we must pack our things. Would you like to stop anywhere along the way?â€
â€œHow about a place where I can get a cheeseburger? Iâ€™m starving.â€ She said shyly as Hi burst out into laughter. 
â€œI thought white dragons were supposed to be vegetarians.â€ He said, looking at Aki with interest.
â€œI like cheeseburgers.â€ She said with a pout, but Hi put a hand on her shoulder reassuringly, ignoring Shintaâ€™s bristling at the contact. 
â€œItâ€™s no problem, sunshine. Just a rumor, I suppose. Weâ€™ll go get you some beef.â€ Hi laughed and broke the contact to calm Shinta. 
â€œAlright, letâ€™s get going, then.â€ Shinta said in a low growl, not knowing whether he liked this new guy or not.




alright, that's the first chapter! Critique is welcome


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## M. LeRenard (Jun 26, 2008)

First of all, next time post requests for critique in this thread.  Not that anyone else ever does anyway....

You've got a few minor problems to work out throughout this thing.  I think this is a case where you would really benefit from reading the thing out loud, maybe even into a tape recorder and then listening back to it, then fixing whatever sounds weird or makes you think twice to understand the meaning.  That ought to correct most of the smaller things--awkward sentences and wording and the like.
Also, might I direct you to this thread.  Look through it and make sure you're not making those mistakes, and correct any you find (for example, double-check your punctuation for sentences with quotations in them).
I'm confused as well about the point of view: it seems to jump around a lot between characters.  Is it omniscient third-person?  It's difficult to tell if you're doing that on purpose.
And one more thing: you reveal things rather quickly.  This is just a suggestion, but it might make it more interesting--and especially intriguing--if you waited before dumping the explanation of the white dragon onto the reader.  Let us wonder for a while why Shinta is so protective of Aki, and let us wonder what exactly why Hi is surprised to see her white hair.
Otherwise, interesting start. Keep going.


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## twilightiger (Jul 2, 2008)

Your first sentence could use some work. While it's a good idea to introduce details as early on as possible they need to be at least proceeded by a name. Without establishing ownership they're just free floating details and are difficult to apply to any character thereafter.

A blue haired man yelled back to the one who had shouted the warning, a white haired girl cowering behind him with wide yellow eyes. The comma in this sentence is technically incorrect. It establishes the idea that the one he is yelling at is the little girl. This can be fixed by adding a speech tag to indicate the actual target of the yell, or by changing the comma to a semi colon in order to indicate that the idea is still a part of the sentence but seperate from the predicate.

I would suggest losing the "Now:" Since the transition of a young girl to a mature woman is a strong indicater that it was a flashback. With the text pointing that fact out as well the "Now:" really does become superfluous.

Other than a few minor quirks of grammar when applied to dialogue you have a very strong start. Good luck with the rest of your story.


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