# Funniest/Stupidest clueless computer user quotes?



## Shiroka (Jun 22, 2010)

If you work in Tech Support, you've probably had to deal with many clueless people who obviously should not even be allowed anywhere near a computer, yet for some reason feel they absolutely need one, more often than not just to do like everyone else, even if they have no idea what to do with it.

In my young career, there's two particular quotes I'll always remember and have yet to understand how the people that came up with them could even think it made any sense at all;

- One kid clearly had no experience with computers, and I actually doubt he even came in contact with one in his life yet. He actually thought that computer keyboards were actual musical keyboards, as on a piano for example. He was wondering how one could operate his computer with these contraptions. Unfortunately, I doubt he ever got his answer.
- There's another person who thought the extension at the end of a file name (such as .txt, .exe, .bmp) was what made the content of said file. Say, he wanted to play Doom. He thought he could just rename some miscellaneous file as "doom.exe" and magically turn it into Doom and be able to play it. He actually tried it and couldn't figure out why it wouldn't work. Good thing it wasn't a system file, though.

There are countless such quotes on the internet, such as here for example, but the remaining faith in humanity I have tells me they could very well have been made up. So I'd like to ask you, what are the craziest computer related quotes you've heard in real life?


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## ToeClaws (Jun 22, 2010)

Years ago when I sold computers, a guy came in and wanted to buy an external modem so he could get on the then young Internet.  Not unusual - people did this all the time.  What was unusual was the guy was back in a day later yelling and screaming, calling us con artists and cheats, saying "You never told me I needed a computer to hook the modem up to!"  

Another good one from another luser (approximately 1999):

Luser: When we bought our computer, we were told you could just put in a new chip to upgrade it.  We'd like to get a Pentium III chip.

Me: You mean CPU - it may be possible if you have a slot 1 motherboard that can handle Pentium IIIs.  What do you have now?

Luser: I don't know, but we got it in 1989 and it was really expensive and the guy said it was fully upgradeable.

Me: >_<

Crazy thing is the guy actually argued with me about it after I told him he couldn't upgrade it, and left to find another computer store that would do it for him.


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## Riv (Jun 22, 2010)

lol, those are worse than mine. The most embarrassing failing I've seen someone do in front of a computer is sitting in front of this calculator:





bawwing about how they didn't know how to use a mac.


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## Runefox (Jun 22, 2010)

This probably isn't the worst, but it's the most memorable:

I worked at a computer repair/sales/etc shop for a while not long ago, and one day an acquaintance from high school came in looking to get his computer assembled. Not a big deal. He had a bit of a background (he was a big script kiddie), so I figured he just didn't have time to finish it or what have you. When I roll around to putting it up on the bench, I get to work finishing up the install - They'd already installed the motherboard, RAM and CPU, so I didn't think I had much to do. Then I noticed something - The top of the RAM was somewhat shiny, and on closer inspection, I was looking at pins.

Each and every stick of RAM was installed upside down.

So, I pull the RAM and notice something else - There's a strange shape to the right edge of the motherboard... In horror, I realize that the brass standoffs on that side (and only that side) of the motherboard had been doubled up with the motherboard screwed in tight, severely warping the board. I quickly pull the entire motherboard, and thankfully, no permanent damage was done. I reassemble everything properly, install the cards and drives, and power it up.

Nothing. Uh oh. Did the board die? Then I get the idea to check the CPU. I pull the heat sink (which I also realize the pegs were mashed up pretty bad (LGA-775)), and then... I find I can't quite get the CPU latch to release. I strain it, and it pops open with a loud 'ping', the CPU falling free. Puzzled, I turn it around - They'd installed the CPU with the plastic backing still attached, and somehow mashed it in and closed the CPU latch. Amazingly, none of the pins on the motherboard were bent.

After all that, the system bafflingly worked like a charm. I asked him what happened, and he said that he installed the RAM, his father installed the motherboard, and a "computer technician" installed the CPU. They were all stoned at the time.

There was one other case where a customer came in wondering what was wrong with this brand new top-of-the-line motherboard they bought online. I set it up on the counter, opened the computer up, and... They'd screwed the motherboard directly into the chassis. The thing was fried altogether.


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## ToeClaws (Jun 22, 2010)

Runefox said:


> ...I asked him what happened, and he said that he installed the RAM, his father installed the motherboard, and a "computer technician" installed the CPU. They were all stoned at the time.



... and drunk and on some sort of hallucinogen I hope... lest only stupidity could explain a screw up that bad.   That's incredible!


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## net-cat (Jun 22, 2010)

Runefox said:


> There was one other case where a customer came in wondering what was wrong with this brand new top-of-the-line motherboard they bought online. I set it up on the counter, opened the computer up, and... They'd screwed the motherboard directly into the chassis. The thing was fried altogether.


I had that happen to me. Pretty much the exact same story. The funny part was that the guy insisted "I mounted my old board like that and it worked just fine for years." I'm thinking his old case had built in standoffs (as some do) or he's practicing good, old fashion CYA.

(And for the non-techies that may be in this thread: If you do something stupid, owning up to it won't make us think any less of you. We already think you're idiots and telling us what you did will help us diagnose what's wrong.)


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## ToeClaws (Jun 22, 2010)

net-cat said:


> (And for the non-techies that may be in this thread: If you do something stupid, owning up to it won't make us think any less of you. We already think you're idiots and telling us what you did will help us diagnose what's wrong.)


 
LOL!  Oh man, best laugh of the day!  (and yes, he's right)


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## Shiroka (Jun 22, 2010)

Riv said:


> lol, those are worse than mine. The most embarrassing failing I've seen someone do in front of a computer is sitting in front of this calculator bawwing about how they didn't know how to use a mac.


 
lol, is it what came up first when he started the computer and thought it was the actual interface, or did he just not know how to use this calculator program in particular?



Runefox said:


> Each and every stick of RAM was installed upside down. [...] I realize that the brass standoffs on that side (and only that side) of the motherboard had been doubled up with the motherboard screwed in tight, severely warping the board. [...] They'd installed the CPU with the plastic backing still attached, and somehow mashed it in and closed the CPU latch.


 
Even by forcing it, I can hardly believe they did all that and still managed to keep it in one piece and not damage it at all. I guess you gotta owe it to the quality of today's hardware for being moron-proof.

Still, I remember reading about some dude who thought he could water-cool his PC by sealing up his case and filling it with tap water. Let's just say he partially got what he wanted as his computer didn't make any noise after that. I don't know if it actually happened but I wouldn't be surprised the least bit.



net-cat said:


> (And for the non-techies that may be in this thread:  If you do something stupid, owning up to it won't make us think any  less of you. We already think you're idiots and telling us what you did  will help us diagnose what's wrong.)



It reminds me of that CAD comic when Ethan sets up a sign in his shop that says "The customer is not always right. Most of the time, the customer is a clueless moron. If this sign upsets you, you are this moron." I wish more people would understand this simple truth, I'm convinced our  jobs would be much more easier.


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## kyle19 (Jun 22, 2010)

I haven't really had many weird things happen since I only fix my family's computers. But I do remember hearing about people that computers were magical. Like email, since they couldnt explain how it got from one PC to another, they assumed magic.


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## CodArk2 (Jun 22, 2010)

Where's the any key?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoQx2eKeXVs&feature=related


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## gdzeek (Jun 22, 2010)

I went to use my a neighbors computer once, and they warned me that it had a bad virus ( they dont speak fluent english)  so i figured, well I'm pretty tech savvy I fix that virus.

pretty soon the computer displayed the message "Thermal error 2465"  or some random number. 

"um thats not a virus." 
"yes it is after a few minutes it'll shut the  computer down."  
"no it means either the cpu is too hot or a fan isnt working"

so I opened up the tower and literally couldnt see the motherboard through all the dust >_< , vacummed it out and the compy never had a problem again.

it may not be the worst, but I will forever femember how disgusting it was in there, I didnt think that much dust was possible


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## Riv (Jun 22, 2010)

Shiroka said:


> lol, is it what came up first when he started the computer and thought it was the actual interface, or did he just not know how to use this calculator program in particular?


 
lol, no, he was perfectly aware it was a calculator. Not sure what exactly his problem was, he tried multiplying two numbers for a few seconds and then gave up. Pretty epic fail.


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## ArielMT (Jun 23, 2010)

Hoo boy.

I once got called by a NetZero user who had a serious problem with his account.  That's all good and well, except that I've never worked for NetZero and my ISP has absolutely no relationship with NetZero.  But this ('Net) zero somehow thought I'd be able to do anything for him anyway because, after all, I was an ISP and we're all the same, right?  He hung up, still not getting it, after I asked him if he'd expect any help from Toyota getting his Ford repaired.

I also have a customer who, bless his perverted heart, knows he's getting his computer owned by malware.  He brought in his PC once because it contracted a rogue antivirus program.  I traced the cause to a scripted exploit on a supposed porn site (which didn't exist one week before it got hosed) that came in through Firefox.  So I explained exactly what happened and how, and how to prevent it from happening again.  I offered to install NoScript for him, and he thought it'd help.  I showed him exactly how it works, and what it means when it blocks something.  He took it home, but he brought it back a month later with the rogue Security Tool on it.  Turns out, he disabled the NoScript extension completely because it was too inconvenient for him, and he let himself get owned again in the exact same way.

Thankfully, I haven't had any cases yet where someone disabled his virus scanner because the scanner said a porn codec he needed to install was a threat.  (If you don't get it, "Install this missing codec to watch our videos" is a favorite trick fake porn sites use to distribute malware.)


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## Nollix (Jun 23, 2010)

I was 14 when I built my first gaming rig. 
After a few hours of nervously fumbling around with the parts due to having no prior experience, I put the motherboard in without standoffs and unsurprisingly it failed. Hilariously.
When I powered on the computer it made a whirring noise that could be described as not unlike that of a Fermi, and smoke was billowing out of the PSU. After I shut it down in panic I discovered that it was shorted pretty badly and one of the traces was hanging off. 
Thankfully, Newegg has a great RMA policy and I just sent it back. :3 (trololo) None of the other components were damaged so I finished the build when I got a new mobo.

tl;dr experiment with old computers before you attempt a build


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## Randy-Darkshade (Jun 24, 2010)

when I first started out tinkering with computers (about five years ago) I did a very dumb thing. Pulled out the wires from the HDD while the computer was still on, then tried to plug them back in. Of course when I plugged it back in, some sort of short must have happened as it killed both HDD's in the machine, the mobo and the processor. Needless to say I never did that again. 

I had a recent incident where I was trying to install XP on a computer I got for free, I had two keyboards out, when it got to the stage where it says "Press any key to boot from CD rom" I was pressing every key one one keyboard not realizing at first I was pressing the keys on the keyboard that wasn't connected to the computer, and I was sitting their for two minutes thinking my disc was dead.


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## Ersatz (Jun 26, 2010)

I remember this one almost word-for-word. Which is kind of sad, isn't it? 



> *Customer:* Hi! I was wondering if you could fix my laptop. It's under warranty.
> *Tech support:* What's wrong with it?
> *Customer:* My wife got mad and threw it in the pool.



I don't remember this one as well, but I do remember the gist...


> *Tech support:* Thank you for calling (whatever company it was) tech support.
> *Customer:* Hi, I was hoping you could help me out. You see, there's a tortilla stuck in my printer.
> *Tech support:* ...how did a tortilla get stuck in your printer?
> *Customer:* I run a tortilla company. I thought it would be really cool to have our logo on a tortilla.


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## Ames (Jun 28, 2010)

"Thermal grease tastes like shit."


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## Runefox (Jun 28, 2010)

JamesB said:


> "Thermal grease tastes like shit."


 
. . .

Okay then.


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## Shiroka (Jun 28, 2010)

JamesB said:


> "Thermal grease tastes like shit."



lol, is that a complaint you really got? Let me guess; his logic was that since it's grease and you use grease in cooking then it must be exclusively used for eating? I just love fallacious reasoning.



Nollix said:


> tl;dr experiment with old computers before you attempt a build



It reminds me of one time back when I started college, I got my hands on some old hardware from 1995, back when you powered your pc by switching on the power supply itself, that my department was basically just throwing away. I thought I could try to set it up and use it as a work pc so I took it home and started working on it. I came to finally plug in the psu but there was a wire coming from it that didn't seem to belong, it had the same form as the wires of lights and buttons on the chassis. There also was a plug left on the mobo that would fit the wire so dumb as I was back then I thought I could plug it in and see what happens. I turn the pc on and thick smoke immediately starts forming and flooding the room. I think I never pulled a plug quicker in my life. The plastic around the wire had totally burned out!

Curiously enough, after I isolated the wire and plugged everything back in, it still worked perfectly fine for many months after, until the EDO ram finally gave up.


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## ArielMT (Jun 28, 2010)

This poor, sad thread over on Microsoft Answers: Windows 7 Forums > Performance and Maintenance > window could not start because the following file is missing or corrupt__\windows\system32\config\system

...  Just read the reply chain.


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## Apollo (Jul 1, 2010)

Thought about this yesterday, while the forums were down.
I'm the family's IT support, so they call me for *everything*. One day, my dad was having trouble with his speakers. I walk up to his desk and turn the speakers on, problem solved :/


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## SnowFox (Jul 1, 2010)

HenriW said:


> Thought about this yesterday, while the forums were down.
> I'm the family's IT support, so they call me for *everything*. One day, my dad was having trouble with his speakers. I walk up to his desk and turn the speakers on, problem solved :/


 
I've had one similar to that. My younger brother was asking for a new computer because the sound was broken. So then I plugged the speakers in for him.


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## FoxBody (Jul 1, 2010)

Grandpa: My new computer got a virus and it's not working anymore.
Me: Do you want me to take a look at it next time I come over? (he lives in AZ)
Grandpa: No, I showed them who's boss. Fucking give me a virus...
Me: Uhh... what?
Grandpa: Piece of shit wouldn't work anymore so I took it out the the garage and smashed it into pieces and threw it in the river!
Me: .....
Grandpa: Oh but I bought a new one! It works great! Whats your e-mail again?

*facedesk*


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## Shiroka (Jul 1, 2010)

FoxBody said:


> Grandpa: My new computer got a virus and it's not working anymore.
> Me: Do you want me to take a look at it next time I come over? (he lives in AZ)
> Grandpa: No, I showed them who's boss. Fucking give me a virus...
> Me: Uhh... what?
> ...


 
...wow. At least it shows we'll never run out of job, even though water pollution will always be a problem.

The problem with computers is not that they never do what we tell them to, it's that their users don't want to believe that they in fact always do what we tell them to.


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