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I am Alive
2 years ago
//CW: Abuse/Mental Health//
Its been a year since I spoke last. And that was on patreon and so not that many people saw that. What I posted was about my short hiatus that i ant on as it was personal, but thought i should share in that years December. However I never followed up and I have been gone.
What happened last year? After i had to cut my stream short for an appointment that i forgot about. It was rushed and i still feel bad for cutting it short.
Within the week I received an email asking me to phone it came from my sister, Which when I moved out, I stopped communicating with my family as they were mentally abusive towards me, mostly from my mom. At the time they would say I ran away and constant call me out for abandoning them and such it got to a point where they would keep contacting me and try to find out where i was living and such. When they called the police and said that i was a danger to myself, thats when I moved forward with a restraining order. After that I think they got the message. I was confused and a little worried to be honest so I did phone her. Thats when I found out that our mom died from a heart attack.
//For context//
Growing up after my Dad died, was at first tough as he was the "Breadwinner" of the family He worked a lot and almost never home and so mom took care of me and my sister. I was around grade 6 when it happened. Our dad's grandparents which i love and miss to this very day, they helped out when mom had to find a job and cover the hole my dad left behind. However when i got old enough to work, my mom convinced me to get a job while i was in highschool. That wasn't a good idea, but i wanted to help. I got a job at a grocery store part time, but later in that year she lost her job and seemingly couldn't find a job after that. So i had to pick up more shifts, however i realized that my sister never got a job. Me and Mom and My Sister would fight a lot about this. However it alway ended with me apologizing and feeling terrible as it was always a 2 against one situation. Eventually I had to pick up another job and quit going to high school never finishing it until later on as an adult. Everything got worst from there on, if i wasn't working it was told I was lazy, fights happened a lot and i would isolate into my room. I began to just feel guilty for not working, because it just end up in fighting and or insults so i just became complacent. It was "better" after I broke. I was exhausted and tired, depression, and anxiety was growing inside of me panic attacks for not working on something that wasn't making money i couldn't have fun anymore, no friends just alone. One night I nearly ended up in a car crash nearly falling asleep at the wheel going home after work and I realized after my panic attack on the side of the road that I just replaced my dad. What she had did to me. When i got home I had the biggest fight with her i ever had. things were thrown I swear the neighbour could've hear us. I grabbed all that I had which wasn't much and left with the vehicle I went to my grandparents place it was the only place i could think to go. They took me in. after that I never really saw my mom or my sister in person at least. I got out alive, thats what it felt. I lived with them until i got to college, they helped a lot. However i didn't get out with my scars.
I spend a lot of time with councillors and eventually i was diagnosed with Severe Anxiety. But because my grandparents have helped a lot that is when i found art and drawing and film. Thats when i stared to draw the gestation horror art you see today. It came from my love of horror movies and pregnancy porn. It was something i could do with that feeling of guilt. I was on medication and everything was good. However my grandparents eventually passed away nothing tragic or horrible. they both lived a long life and will always be loved.
Life had its ups and downs but overall. I was living.
It was shocking to hear as would hearing about anyones death you may know. However I spent a lot of time thinking about this day if it ever came. I thought I would feel some relief, catharsis having out lived her. But I didn't I felt that guilt I did along time ago. That lead to me going to counselling to help me get through it whenever this kinda of thing happens. As counselling was going well.
Thats when i posted to patreon about to explain why i was suddenly gone...
I decided to share my anxiety about working on my art and such. As i do feel that anxiety whenever i try to work on it either my usual, commissions, or patreon. They asked what it was about and I choose to share, I tried to be vague, but he got the picture. He asked a lot of questions about it. eventually at the end of the session they mentioned the concern about the content i draw. Saying the anxiety might come from the feeling i had about my mother and she might be the the reason i may draw this art. After i got home. I was looking at my art and had a severe mental breakdown. At the time I believed what they said. That all the art that i thought was for me and what i want to do for fun was still about her in some way. I began to hate myself and art. I felt all the guilt rush me.
This was mid december. In the new year I crashed, felt broken and lost. Luckily i was living with a friend. but it was a downward spiral though. I feel into a sever depression and i stopped taking my medication. Eventually i lost my job because i just stopped going. And I Stopped touching my art. stopped caring about my health. and eventually I just stopped eating. I didn't care about anything anymore. I wanted to just fade away, turn to dust. Like I said, my friend was living with me and (basically dragged me) took me to the hospital, I didn't fight back, just was empty and to weak to do so. However they saved me and i owe them everything. I stayed at the hospital for about a month, but after i got home i had to do therapy. I got back on medication and start to eat. that was in april of this year. however i didn't feel to touch my tablet to do art and such. It was a struggle still very much money wise. Mentally I was slowly getting better. At another point in the summer me and my therapist came to the conclusion that I have some form of ptsd that is related to what happened while growing up and the mental abuse I took which is where the anxiety comes from.
September came along and the advise that my therapist was to find a hobby that i could do that doesn't give me any pressure to preform or work on. So i took up walking, that sounds weird, but I just go out without a plan besides just walk around the city and got to stores, not to shop, but to explore and sit at the park and that has been wonderful.
I start to think about this place again, It never really left my mind. But over the months i had been focusing a lot on myself. However with medication and therapy and feeling better each day. my mind became clearer there is lots of stuff left behind in this very rough year. I was still earning through patreon and commissioners patiently wait for some answer, anything really.
With a clearer head i realized my anxiety comes from the high level I kept putting myself too, over promising people so i could please them, and the urge to earn money in doing this art for a living in some way. That was unfair to do that to myself and especially to those i made promises to, either trades, commissions, patreon rewards and such. I feel like i have hurt a lot of people, but I have learnt to not dwell on that feeling because that won't help the future me out. I do want to find a way to compensate for those promises never kept. Either refunds when i get better financially, or attempt completing the work i was hired for or some form of gifts? But that will take the time it needs. However I wasn't drawing at all, so i wasn't to sure if anything i could do would help this situation out. I had debated to do the refunds as best i can and move away from art. But one day...
I had an urge to draw, it snuck up on me. I just sat and drew and coloured it. I was happy with it, proud even! I looked at my account on here and the art didn't bother me as it did last year. I think with a clear mind and not one struggling with guilt, depression and anger. I see what I saw before when i started to draw this art. Thats when i realized that what i went through this year could've been circumvented from literally not tell my counsellor about my art.
I am a bit pissed about it. But i think ultimately I have decided to go back to art. I have been having the fun i had before and that this as a hobby instead of trying to treat this like a job. So that means that there is a lot of things i need to clean up essentially.
The very overdue commissions, which i got a season job recently and so i hope to have money sooner then later to either refund them or complete their pieces in the new year of January. I don't feel comfortable holding onto that any longer then i have too. So next year I'll start properly contacting those i owe commissions to either complete their commission or refund it. Whatever i get done is done and the rest will be refunded.
For patreon, i don't exactly know what to do. There were a lot of promises that i offered and couldn't keep up on or never really fulfilled. I'll have to spend more time figuring out what to do or offer. Honestly I did love doing the patreon request streams they were so much fun to do. However i don't feel comfortable anymore with having my patreon open. So I think i will shut it done some time this month before christmas. Also found out that if you wanna post NSFW stuff you have to send an image of a government id and other info to like a third party site and i am like NOPE. I am not gonna share that to anyone.
(Let me know if there is an idea for those rewards and how i could offer something to fulfill that would suitable?)
However anything really will only begin in the new year and will be at a slow pace trying to to put that pressure on myself, but with a game plan.
At the moment i am not gonna be really communicative beside this journal and some reply on comments and gonna spend my month doing what i want with art and stuff.
Ultimately I want to turn this back to being fun for me and as a hobby. I am no longer interesting in earning money with my art and just want to share my gross and weird gestation horror stories with everyone here.
ONE last thing, there is no need to apologize if you left the patreon, or cancel a commission, or how you are feeling, or if you are upset with me. This year has been a long journey one that could've ended poorly.
As for my feeling toward my family. I have been talking to my sister again, patching things up. Gonna meet up with her this week and chat. An this post will be the last time i let my mother occupy my mind.
I am alive and thats what i just want to be atm.
I know this was long and kinda rambling, but i wanted to share and explain where i am and how i am doing.
Thanks for reading <3 Fred~
Its been a year since I spoke last. And that was on patreon and so not that many people saw that. What I posted was about my short hiatus that i ant on as it was personal, but thought i should share in that years December. However I never followed up and I have been gone.
What happened last year? After i had to cut my stream short for an appointment that i forgot about. It was rushed and i still feel bad for cutting it short.
Within the week I received an email asking me to phone it came from my sister, Which when I moved out, I stopped communicating with my family as they were mentally abusive towards me, mostly from my mom. At the time they would say I ran away and constant call me out for abandoning them and such it got to a point where they would keep contacting me and try to find out where i was living and such. When they called the police and said that i was a danger to myself, thats when I moved forward with a restraining order. After that I think they got the message. I was confused and a little worried to be honest so I did phone her. Thats when I found out that our mom died from a heart attack.
//For context//
Growing up after my Dad died, was at first tough as he was the "Breadwinner" of the family He worked a lot and almost never home and so mom took care of me and my sister. I was around grade 6 when it happened. Our dad's grandparents which i love and miss to this very day, they helped out when mom had to find a job and cover the hole my dad left behind. However when i got old enough to work, my mom convinced me to get a job while i was in highschool. That wasn't a good idea, but i wanted to help. I got a job at a grocery store part time, but later in that year she lost her job and seemingly couldn't find a job after that. So i had to pick up more shifts, however i realized that my sister never got a job. Me and Mom and My Sister would fight a lot about this. However it alway ended with me apologizing and feeling terrible as it was always a 2 against one situation. Eventually I had to pick up another job and quit going to high school never finishing it until later on as an adult. Everything got worst from there on, if i wasn't working it was told I was lazy, fights happened a lot and i would isolate into my room. I began to just feel guilty for not working, because it just end up in fighting and or insults so i just became complacent. It was "better" after I broke. I was exhausted and tired, depression, and anxiety was growing inside of me panic attacks for not working on something that wasn't making money i couldn't have fun anymore, no friends just alone. One night I nearly ended up in a car crash nearly falling asleep at the wheel going home after work and I realized after my panic attack on the side of the road that I just replaced my dad. What she had did to me. When i got home I had the biggest fight with her i ever had. things were thrown I swear the neighbour could've hear us. I grabbed all that I had which wasn't much and left with the vehicle I went to my grandparents place it was the only place i could think to go. They took me in. after that I never really saw my mom or my sister in person at least. I got out alive, thats what it felt. I lived with them until i got to college, they helped a lot. However i didn't get out with my scars.
I spend a lot of time with councillors and eventually i was diagnosed with Severe Anxiety. But because my grandparents have helped a lot that is when i found art and drawing and film. Thats when i stared to draw the gestation horror art you see today. It came from my love of horror movies and pregnancy porn. It was something i could do with that feeling of guilt. I was on medication and everything was good. However my grandparents eventually passed away nothing tragic or horrible. they both lived a long life and will always be loved.
Life had its ups and downs but overall. I was living.
It was shocking to hear as would hearing about anyones death you may know. However I spent a lot of time thinking about this day if it ever came. I thought I would feel some relief, catharsis having out lived her. But I didn't I felt that guilt I did along time ago. That lead to me going to counselling to help me get through it whenever this kinda of thing happens. As counselling was going well.
Thats when i posted to patreon about to explain why i was suddenly gone...
I decided to share my anxiety about working on my art and such. As i do feel that anxiety whenever i try to work on it either my usual, commissions, or patreon. They asked what it was about and I choose to share, I tried to be vague, but he got the picture. He asked a lot of questions about it. eventually at the end of the session they mentioned the concern about the content i draw. Saying the anxiety might come from the feeling i had about my mother and she might be the the reason i may draw this art. After i got home. I was looking at my art and had a severe mental breakdown. At the time I believed what they said. That all the art that i thought was for me and what i want to do for fun was still about her in some way. I began to hate myself and art. I felt all the guilt rush me.
This was mid december. In the new year I crashed, felt broken and lost. Luckily i was living with a friend. but it was a downward spiral though. I feel into a sever depression and i stopped taking my medication. Eventually i lost my job because i just stopped going. And I Stopped touching my art. stopped caring about my health. and eventually I just stopped eating. I didn't care about anything anymore. I wanted to just fade away, turn to dust. Like I said, my friend was living with me and (basically dragged me) took me to the hospital, I didn't fight back, just was empty and to weak to do so. However they saved me and i owe them everything. I stayed at the hospital for about a month, but after i got home i had to do therapy. I got back on medication and start to eat. that was in april of this year. however i didn't feel to touch my tablet to do art and such. It was a struggle still very much money wise. Mentally I was slowly getting better. At another point in the summer me and my therapist came to the conclusion that I have some form of ptsd that is related to what happened while growing up and the mental abuse I took which is where the anxiety comes from.
September came along and the advise that my therapist was to find a hobby that i could do that doesn't give me any pressure to preform or work on. So i took up walking, that sounds weird, but I just go out without a plan besides just walk around the city and got to stores, not to shop, but to explore and sit at the park and that has been wonderful.
I start to think about this place again, It never really left my mind. But over the months i had been focusing a lot on myself. However with medication and therapy and feeling better each day. my mind became clearer there is lots of stuff left behind in this very rough year. I was still earning through patreon and commissioners patiently wait for some answer, anything really.
With a clearer head i realized my anxiety comes from the high level I kept putting myself too, over promising people so i could please them, and the urge to earn money in doing this art for a living in some way. That was unfair to do that to myself and especially to those i made promises to, either trades, commissions, patreon rewards and such. I feel like i have hurt a lot of people, but I have learnt to not dwell on that feeling because that won't help the future me out. I do want to find a way to compensate for those promises never kept. Either refunds when i get better financially, or attempt completing the work i was hired for or some form of gifts? But that will take the time it needs. However I wasn't drawing at all, so i wasn't to sure if anything i could do would help this situation out. I had debated to do the refunds as best i can and move away from art. But one day...
I had an urge to draw, it snuck up on me. I just sat and drew and coloured it. I was happy with it, proud even! I looked at my account on here and the art didn't bother me as it did last year. I think with a clear mind and not one struggling with guilt, depression and anger. I see what I saw before when i started to draw this art. Thats when i realized that what i went through this year could've been circumvented from literally not tell my counsellor about my art.
I am a bit pissed about it. But i think ultimately I have decided to go back to art. I have been having the fun i had before and that this as a hobby instead of trying to treat this like a job. So that means that there is a lot of things i need to clean up essentially.
The very overdue commissions, which i got a season job recently and so i hope to have money sooner then later to either refund them or complete their pieces in the new year of January. I don't feel comfortable holding onto that any longer then i have too. So next year I'll start properly contacting those i owe commissions to either complete their commission or refund it. Whatever i get done is done and the rest will be refunded.
For patreon, i don't exactly know what to do. There were a lot of promises that i offered and couldn't keep up on or never really fulfilled. I'll have to spend more time figuring out what to do or offer. Honestly I did love doing the patreon request streams they were so much fun to do. However i don't feel comfortable anymore with having my patreon open. So I think i will shut it done some time this month before christmas. Also found out that if you wanna post NSFW stuff you have to send an image of a government id and other info to like a third party site and i am like NOPE. I am not gonna share that to anyone.
(Let me know if there is an idea for those rewards and how i could offer something to fulfill that would suitable?)
However anything really will only begin in the new year and will be at a slow pace trying to to put that pressure on myself, but with a game plan.
At the moment i am not gonna be really communicative beside this journal and some reply on comments and gonna spend my month doing what i want with art and stuff.
Ultimately I want to turn this back to being fun for me and as a hobby. I am no longer interesting in earning money with my art and just want to share my gross and weird gestation horror stories with everyone here.
ONE last thing, there is no need to apologize if you left the patreon, or cancel a commission, or how you are feeling, or if you are upset with me. This year has been a long journey one that could've ended poorly.
As for my feeling toward my family. I have been talking to my sister again, patching things up. Gonna meet up with her this week and chat. An this post will be the last time i let my mother occupy my mind.
I am alive and thats what i just want to be atm.
I know this was long and kinda rambling, but i wanted to share and explain where i am and how i am doing.
Thanks for reading <3 Fred~
So sorry you had to go through all that, please take all the time you need. I'd love to see you around and doing art again, but your mental health takes priority!
Find your knitch in life, do it for you, make yourself happy.
Glad to see your still with us. Love the arts as well.
It's great to hear you're back alive and well, and I'm sorry to hear what had happened to you and all those things you've been through from over a year ago.
It may not be easy to deal with so many situations like this, but no matter what, we always have to move forward to a much better brighter future, and never look back at any darkest past. And that's why I'm here for you, even if life is very tough.
Great to see you draw again, and take some more time for yourself to heal more before you can carry on drawing.
I am glad you are on a better footing now and things are looking brighter for you.
I hope they continue to do so.
There's a lot to unpack there about your situation, but I am sure a lot of us are just glad to see you're still alive and recovering! I'm sure that writing that journal was its own challenge, but you're smart to take things slow and tackle what you can when you're ready. Take your time and prioritize your mind and your health! And it's good you still find joy in the art you craft! I look forward to seeing what you draw for yourself in future and most importantly, I hope life continues back on an upward trend for you!
Take your time and take care of yourself