I've been wrestling with this a lot lately. all of this. I know that whatever I'm gonna do, I gotta ride the thing out- can't just stick my head in the ground and pretend like i don't have a chip on my shoulder. And I do realize that I'm doing a lot of yelling at other people for doing their own things, but its like telling someone who shows up at the Model Train Layout Building Event and forces everybody to start doing slotcars instead to knock it off and go to a slot car meet instead. Its just awkward because the slot car people get to have a larger platform because they do it politely. And yeah, I know that regardless of how correct I am (and I am) I'm not making any friends doing this thing I'm doing. I called that "Being a Buick" last journal because the solitary study thing I've been doing instead of socializing as much as i used to is the positive, constructive thing the Buick Tri-Shield makes me think of. I'll come out of this with less social awkwardness and being able to own what's still there and isn't going anywhere. Not cured, but with a better understanding of myself, my mind, and my needs so I don't have to keep using the crutches I've been using and hate admitting to using. You can start trying it too by taking my closed journal comments as an invitation to chew on what you read instead of vomiting up a reflection-reaction comment.

And like, I guess whenever I'm back, I'm looking for friends who want to do casual roles with me and reclaim some of that junk we used to go through for fun. I want my boundaries to be pushed and expanded but I don't want to be stabbed, i want to be tickled. okay in reality I'd rather have it more like looking at a case of wax food replicas of what's on the menu when something new is going on. Eggs/contextless jokes/whatever you want to call it just weird me out when they try to take off and i always break them inadvertently so its just not a great way to introduce something to me. i always like the thing that comes of it, but when it starts MOVING, that's what I can't deal with. I hope that parses from my literal way of talking into the metaphorical visualization i actually am trying to convey. And yeah, I'm horny, I want horny friends. Go figure. But I've come to realize I prefer horny as the garnish rather than the entree. I'm not going to have sex with you. I'm not going to be monogamy-bound to you for life. I just want to be your friend.

What's really killing me is i KNOW i'm catching a lot of good people who don't deserve it in the crossfire by proxy and that's what i need ya to understand isn't what I'm trying to accomplish here. But you can't just put anybody in shock collars when they act out from the status quo yesman herd. not every lion wants to eat the sheep, hasn't anybody in the "zootopia fandom" seen Lambert The Sheepish Lion????? This is what I mean when I talk about furry culture preservation and knowing our history even though there's not someone who LOOKS like everyone, there's characters that represent different parts of the Self so you get what's going on anyways. You don't need to "see yourself" to get what the fox and the grapes is about. Lambert the Sheepish Lion is an OLD Disney cartoon where a charming but dopey lion, a coward, named Lambert is inadvertently raised by sheep and loves his mother sheep very much. one day, a wolf comes to eat the sheep in Lambert's flock, especially his mother of course, and he has to overcome his cowardice to save his mother and knock the evil wolf (not somebody's character, its a metaphor people please understand visual language!!!) off a cliff like a rock over a t-rex's head in a land before time sequel. if all the lion you know are the Golden Son Simba and everybody's acting like every wolf, yote and puma ought to be muzzled and bound, you don't understand that for most of us its no different than Bingo's big girl bark. we've always been here, and to ignore our stories because the modern eye is squeamish to conflict emotions is reprehensible. This needs to come out the other side of this maelstrom of misinformation no matter what. I'd sooner die than let these books be burned and OUR past erased. I AM KEEPING FURRY WEIRD. Are yOu?