this could be one of my most important and emotional journals, i really hope someone is reading, at least one person...anyway, alot of shit as been going on. I was supposed to have a friend of mine come rent out our small appartment behind my house for $450, and help contribute to housework, bills, and other things. sounds like a legitimate good idea right? well, my grandma disagreed, to the point of threatening to leave me with the burden of the house, including the $3500 a month series of bills. well, after heated arguements, her acusing me of doing this for selfish reasons, like just having someone around to have fun with, and me telling her that i was using that as a motivation to get off my ass and be useful, my friend finally convinced me that i should just let it go, and continue with my dull and fruitless life. just agreeing with her and stuff. welll, i dislike agreeing with her, as it hurts me to have my family think of me as a burden, that im wasting my life. and so here i type, feeling lonely and useless, hoping someone will take pity on me, but im not counting on it. infact, i dont expect any sympathy at all.

so, with that being said, although i will continue my dull and lonely exsistance, i will also be looking for a new place to live...just someone to live with for a while, enough to get a job and be independant, unless they would like me working as a house maid or something. i just want to get away from the stress, i know my family needs me, and i need them, but its gotten to the point where i cant take it any longer, i have been going on like this for over 3 years, knowing nothing but the internet and the fandom, having only the people and porn online to keep me company.

so i ask, to anyone listening, i want to live somewhere else. i want to leave my family and show them i can independant. granted i dont have a job, cant drive, have no license, never been to college, and seem to have no skills at all, i still want be needed, be usefull. i will do anything, anything to be wanted or needed....i beg, to anyone reading....please help me...