My heart pounds as I walk down the isle of the plane, looking left to right, holding my bag so I don't smash into others whom are putting there bags and coats into the over-head compartments, I take a deep breath before sliding myself into my seat by the window. I put my bag at my feet and stare at Boston's horizon out the oval shaped dirty plane window thinking to myself "What am I doing? Why am I on this plane? Why am I going to California?" I swallow my regret down for I know there is no other option but to leave what and who I love behind. I put some music to calm my nerves, I try to zone out... I continue staring out the window then I'm jolted forward, the plane is heading to the run way... My heart pounds faster, my mind "Let me out! No, I can't be on here!" I watch in a panic as my plane gets ready to take me far from Massachusetts, panic sets in, I fidget in my seat as my plane jets down the runway, I hear the roar of the plane, we lift off, I crane my head and watch Boston leave my sight as we head up into the foggy clouds... No turning back now... Will I ever see this horizon again?...




Sitting here... Brooklyn, New York on my laptop at a bench waiting for my food to be delivered to me, as I look to my right, a giant wall of windows, I watch the traffic of planes, landing, taking off, parking, loading, I will sit here watching these planes come and go as I sit here alone missing him, wondering when I'll return to him, and see him next. If 3 hours hurts this bad, how bad will a week hurt? a month? 6 months? a year? Is returning realistic? Is this love and hope a waste or will the pain and heartache be worth this? Is there any choice to loving someone? To choose not to? ... Where the fuck is my food?... I hope he's okay. I wonder if he is thinking about me, I wonder if he has the same fears and thoughts as I do. I hope that if we both hold on this will work out. I not only want it to work out but NEED it to.








fidgets with here iTunes, turning it up to drowned out the sound of last calls for planes, the smell of french fries in the air makes my stomach growl. I haven't eaten a lot the past few days, I haven't slept a whole lot the past few days. California: There is nothing out there for me, my dad, who is too preoccupied with himself to acknowledge me, I'm sure they're will be a lot of late-night drives testing myself, driving as far east as I can before I turn around, teasing myself with the idea of coming back, lots of sitting at home doing nothing because I'm poor, neglecting myself, my health, or will there be change? Will I be able to find a job when I return to the city of trees? Will I be able to save enough money to move back to Massachusetts and be able to support myself until I get a job and start my life as an adult? So many questions, and fears that only the future can tell.







Okay. I'm done writing... I guess this is a little vent/dump for my thoughts. I have so much going on I need to put them somewhere, so I thought, why not on a website in which almost no one will read this.



Bleh.

:c