I feel very conflicted, being highly aroused by scenes of rape in stories, and yet be disgusted at the same time, seriously, it's like a pressure building both up and down. It sickens me. What's even more sickening is that I seem very sensitive to very graphic, violence, and emotionally negative scenes. Like there was a story of a gang rape, with blood, breaking bones,

cartilage, and a near death experience, and I came 3 times...
3...to everything I hate...

as if i didn't hate myself enough
now I wonder, am I a biastophiliac? (I always thought I was the opposite)

Well, I'd say this was a record, I've been able to keep my happy up for week.

In other news, I have very violent urges, like I feel like I could jam a knife into someone's neck with no worries, in fact,

I'm considering hiding a razor in my pockets.

I haven't been able to do ANYTHING!!My lack of motivation is reaching an all time low, I can't even walk into the kitchen

without 5 minutes of mentally saying "I will" and having my legs not move.It's already a huge psychological problem.
I think I seriously need psychiatric help, I almost spazzed at my parents, and they don't deserve it.
and recently I've been pretending to be a sadistic russian military leader who rapes people...yup. I'm twisted.

As if playing the maid in a classic russian play was bad enough (especially since there was a scene where I got sexually harrassed by this guy, I was supposed to scream but only a wheezy 'eek' came out.)
Hopefully this "Cognitive behavioral therapy thing I'm learning about helps. but it probably won't since my angst is pretty general, and shallow. *sigh*

I don't even remember the last time I had a good night's sleep, it's either too late, big project the next day, too warm, too cold (maybe not). And my parent's keep nagging me about college, sure it's high time that I actually choose one, but I don't know, I still feel very rushed. One of my biggest worries is leaving and fending for myself, I've grown too dependent on people, for chrissakes, I can't remember how to use a washing machine.

hrrrm...I've got a headache...

in good news, I finally can describe depression and anguish (a little project I've been having for a while), it's either like

a large empty pit opening inside, or a pressure around your chest that makes breathing really difficult. I wonder if there's a physiological link to that.

Well, I guess for some "good news"
today is my sister's birthday, (www.mentacle.deviantart.com) That's good, i got her a revoltech starscream. Speaking of which, a few weeks ago there was a large toy, and comics fair. Way more expensive than the last one I went to. I brought in like, double my weekly allowance, and my sister's gift drained 40%.

I couldn't find the really rare, Swat Kats action figure of razor anywhere (T-bone's gettin' lonely )
The playstation2, DDR, and the PS3 don't give nearly the same joy as before.
and I think my computer's processor is busted. Soon I'll get a laptop and be done with it.
I can't seem to play a song on my IPOD for 40 seconds before it stops.
and strangely, I hear a woman singing...like..RIGHT NOW...creepy.
My hearing is going, great, as if the endless stomach pains and headaches weren't enough

I came out to my best friend last week, he seemed okay with it, I just don't see myself doing it again in the near future.

Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to, but it's usually annoying people (not you Dire) asking about homework or shit. That's why I really hate being in too different time zones.

Well, enough of this pity party, I'm off to binge and get fatter.