I'm still having a great deal of mixed feelings about this. I'm pseudo-married to my husband (only because NC state law doesn't allow same-sex marriage yet) and his grandmother is terminally ill. As in we have no idea how much longer she's going to have left on this earth. :( I'm worried sick about the whole family and the reality of it hasn't hit me full force yet but... it's my first experience with a death through a spouse's family. That may sound a bit shallow as they're just as much as my family as my own family is but... I don't know. It's slightly different. Not more or less... just different. I'm worried sick about how it's going to affect my husband, my mother-in-law, the twins that were practically raised by said grandmother... her husband...

All these things are going through my head and it's not really affecting me the way one would anticipate but I'm having a hard time processing them. Like... I don't know. I'm literally typing as I'm thinking so there was really no forethought put into this journal. I guess I'm just seeking advice or just the ear of the world wide web to pour my heart on to. Again, I really don't know.

It's just a bit difficult as two of my baby little cousins died as of August last year and now my husband is going to lose his grandmother who has always been somewhat of a cornerstone of his entire family. Every Sunday was a gathering of family for lunch at her house. I feel like a lot of things are going to end up falling on my mother-in-law when it all comes down to the bottom line. Who's going to watch after the kids? Who's going to take over the Sunday lunches? Who's going to watch over Matthew's uncle that lives with his grandmother? It's just a lot of stuff. Matthew is going to get wrapped up into a lot of it too I'm sure. Not saying that is a BAD thing but I'm going to start to worry about his stress level. He can't take on searching for a job, taking care of me, taking care of his family, and dealing with us still living apart all at once. It's just... a lot to think about.

Gah, I've got a meeting I need to attend to that I'm already running behind for. Just... I don't know. I have open ears for anything anyone may want to say, add, or advise upon.