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10 years ago
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I only to use these FA journals now to rant and im well aware that most people probably dont read them, but its kinda therapeutic to have to somewhere to express myself and not feel judged (well not that much anyway). Its pretty much on the similar topic to what I posted a few months ago.
Basically im trying to be more open about myself and be more honest that i do in fact like some girly stuff. But this kinda came up in conversation with someone earlier today and has just kinda made me spiral into a self loathing hole of pity for myself. They couldnt seem to grasp the concept that I was going on about. They just assumed that because I liked girl things that, that meant I was gay, which i dont take offense too but isnt true about me. So they then went on to ask whether I was trans or wanted to be a girl, to which the answer was also no. I hate the fact that when im trying to be more open about myself im then immediately tried to be categorized into something.
Like i've decided that maybe on some days i just would like to you know maybe feel abit pretty but somedays I'd like to seem dashing and manly. I dont even understand myself at this point now. Like the fact that id quite like to wear nail varnish is fucking terrifying me. Im not scared that id like to wear it, but im scared as to what peoples reactions are gonna be and how people are then gonna assume things about just because im doing something effeminate. Like if im outwardly showing effeminate shit how are girls gonna look at me, how am I going to convince a girl to go out with me when ive fucking painted my nails like weirdo.
I dont even know what to think at this point and the whole idea of wanting to feel more like me, just makes me sick, i dont feel normal and i dont feel accepted for who I am. I know people nowa days are very forward thinking and dont judge as much but at the same time, i feel like it would become my identity over my personality and i dont want that at all. I dont want people to look at me and just see a guy who does girl shit.
I honestly feel sick right now and just want to curl up in bed away from the world. I don't think im ready for a relationship at the moment but i feel so lonely at the same time and just want a girl to be with, who accepts me for me.
RIP DIP my life at this moment in time.
Random emotional mess rant over cheers guys, sorry for being a butt ; 3;
Basically im trying to be more open about myself and be more honest that i do in fact like some girly stuff. But this kinda came up in conversation with someone earlier today and has just kinda made me spiral into a self loathing hole of pity for myself. They couldnt seem to grasp the concept that I was going on about. They just assumed that because I liked girl things that, that meant I was gay, which i dont take offense too but isnt true about me. So they then went on to ask whether I was trans or wanted to be a girl, to which the answer was also no. I hate the fact that when im trying to be more open about myself im then immediately tried to be categorized into something.
Like i've decided that maybe on some days i just would like to you know maybe feel abit pretty but somedays I'd like to seem dashing and manly. I dont even understand myself at this point now. Like the fact that id quite like to wear nail varnish is fucking terrifying me. Im not scared that id like to wear it, but im scared as to what peoples reactions are gonna be and how people are then gonna assume things about just because im doing something effeminate. Like if im outwardly showing effeminate shit how are girls gonna look at me, how am I going to convince a girl to go out with me when ive fucking painted my nails like weirdo.
I dont even know what to think at this point and the whole idea of wanting to feel more like me, just makes me sick, i dont feel normal and i dont feel accepted for who I am. I know people nowa days are very forward thinking and dont judge as much but at the same time, i feel like it would become my identity over my personality and i dont want that at all. I dont want people to look at me and just see a guy who does girl shit.
I honestly feel sick right now and just want to curl up in bed away from the world. I don't think im ready for a relationship at the moment but i feel so lonely at the same time and just want a girl to be with, who accepts me for me.
RIP DIP my life at this moment in time.
Random emotional mess rant over cheers guys, sorry for being a butt ; 3;
As a trans guy who's regularly completely invalidated over his swishy glam rock personal style, I hear you and I am here for you. "Safe" polish colors for dudes are black and blue and variations thereof; start there and people will be used to it if you branch out. It's okay to be gender non-conforming! I know loneliness is a bitch, but it's not worth dating a girl who's going to see you badly for being who you are.