I don't really remember if I wrote about it before? In any case I'll do it again.

I know I'm bad at conversations. I'm awful, at least. I often feel that I receive mixed messages from some ppl that are hard to understand (Are they upset? Busy? Am I doing right?).

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I recon I'm not the best at getting not obvious signs and I get anxious/paranoid if I don't get a reply on a platform that tells you if the other party has read the message (ie telegram or facebook).

I also get anxious if I'm expecting a certain behaviour and I get another (Like I expect someone to be cheerful but the other is instead quiet or replies without energy). Can't really know if I am being treated like that on purpose or there's something wrong on the other side that I am not aware of.

Like I'm not a psychic, (Noone is, I think). I "can't" really know if you are busy with something if you don't set yourself as busy, for example. One can read messages and not reply for a multitude of reasons and, because I'm actually used to ppl to use me, etc, I fear the worst.

I personally do my best to reply as fast as possible if I'm available, and I (I think wrongly assume) to expect the same from others.

Thing is, it really terrifies me asking things directly because I'm afraid of screwing up, so on my end I have to just guess things out.

Tho I can give some assurance to others; the few things that make me upset are others purposedly lying to me, using me, ignoring me and or just being rude... that's it.

I understand noone's perfect and we all make mistakes, so I'm more than likely to accept any little happy mistake someone is to make, but I can't really know the same about others.

I'm trying to adapt to things also and if I feel that someone is just not appreciating me or ignoring me I'll just move on to talk to someone else until I find out the cause of the ignoring or that the other person really wants to talk with me. And no, I'm not a good conversation started, quite the opposite, more often than not I remain quiet to everyone and just take the initiatie to start a chat to a very few that I feel are there available (Or I'm interested in).

Ultimately I'm not saying that the core 'open friendship' approach that I used to have before is completely gone, is just that ppl that would want to share time with me are just too few and the rest don't have the same points of view regarding how to make friends.

I know some ppl that are quite happy to find someone that appears cheerful and interested in talking and stick to those, and others just are apathetic towards it. Ideally I want ppl that would stick to me and not just act alien.

In any case, I'm sorry if I'm awkward at convs or just end up being repetitive, boring or silent. I want to work to improve and I'm sure you do as well. At least make an effort in show you're interested in what I say? I don't like wasting my time either.