I'm trying to sleep and I can feel a lump deep in my back, next to my spine. I am laying still and starting to get an occasional shot of pain down my right leg. I'm getting a headache again. I'm terrified that the disk is herniating again. Am I still leaking spinal fluid? I'm praying it's an artifact of the infection, but it's in the same place as before. I have only been on the antibiotics for not even a day. I shouldn't be drawing conclusions, but I've undergone two back surguries in less than a year, can a person blame me?

I am just so sick of this. I just want to know what will ultimatly fix this. I'm sick of the pain. Sick of being crippled for weeks at a time. People say that I don't want a spinal fusion, but I just don't care anymore. I'll gladly put my socks on with a grabby claw and wear velcro shoes if that is just what it takes to make all this crap stop.

I've tried to help people whenever I can throughout my life. Sometimes sucessfull, sometimes not so much. It just sucks so much to need this much help from my family and friends. It sucks so much that all this effort may be for naught, that i may need yet another surgury. It sucks so much to not know the answers.

I'm thinking back to the crappy times in my life and how I want those times back so much compared to this. Give me back my days of washing dishes in 105 degree heat with servers who don't scrape the plates lIke they are suposed to. Give me back my cleaning the women's bathroom at Wal-Mart on a weekend. Any of that is better than this right now. Right now I want sleep, yet I can't even have that.

I have a plan going forward. I'll see the surgeon on Tuesday when I am back in North Dakota. I set that up earlier today. That will be long enough for the antibiotics to do their thing. I'll know then if this lump and pain is the infection or the disk. No more weeks of useless physical therapy. They know my history. They know how bad things got and how sudden it happened the second time.

I just have to make it until Tuesday. I can do that. I'll follow all the doctors orders I have thus far so I don't screw myself up more than I am. I have the leftover pain meds at home if I need them. Right now I'm fine with the heavy doses of Naproxen they told me to take. I'll make it. I may not sleep tonight, I may be a wreck this weekend, but I can make Tuesday.

Thank you guys for putting up with me here. I have been enjoying my time in Florida, but I am such a wreck right now. I know it's a cliche, but things can always get worse and you will look back on those bad times with fondness. That's what I am doing now, but also be looking for the solution. Find the path you need to take. Be giving when you can so that others are there to give back to you when you find yourself in need.

It feels good to type out all these thoughts that are whizzing around in my head. It feels good to get them into context. It feels good to go back and refine them. It feels good to see that these problems are manageable. It feels like the thing I need right now.

Talk to you all later.