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I just don't even know...
8 years ago
honestly, i just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm in a terrible, terrible position right now, but i guess that's not news because I've always been in a terrible, terrible position. only now everything has gotten more expensive, our rent, our utilities, and just general day to day mandatory expenses. but to add onto it I'm under huge amounts of debt between credit card debts as a result of impromptu car repairs, to loans for car repair and critical bills like rent. regardless of what I do, i can never seem to crawl out of this pit, rather, i just fall deeper and deeper into it despite my struggles.
every payday is meaningless because by the time things come and swipe out it's share, I'm lucky if I even have 10 damn dollars to eat off of for the week, and all the while I'm constantly being hounded by collectors every day.
and here, I've got like over a hundred dollars worth of long overdue commissions that I still haven't gotten to between work, college, and periods of just sitting down and breaking out in tears.
As you guys may have noticed, I don't upload much at all, or even do much on FA, I rarely draw much to begin with but even when I do I'm hesitant to share it as i feel people would get mad about the fact I spent time drawing something for myself when that same time could have been spent drawing one of the commissions i owe, it's not the same though, at least I don't have to worry about making constant revisions on the same piece till it's absolutely perfect. I wanted to try and pay them back but again, there are weeks where i literally don't even have money to eat with. and now I'm tied to multiple payment plans and loan payments that I have no idea how I'll be able to handle between everything I already pay.
The reason I've accrued all these overdue commissions is because at the time I was unemployed, I've still been looking for a job to no success and so for that time, commissions were my job. when i got something I needed to finish it within the next hour, if the client went offline for the day, then i didn't get to eat that day. and I needed to make sure i always made enough to cover the internet bill because if that went off, I lost my main source of income, and if I didn't have my phone then all I could do then was just wait for the 5 day notice on our apartment (but all that happened anyways...) I tried to prevent this by insisting on not taking pay till the piece was done, and putting a limit on how many active commissions i could do. but then things too an increasingly desperate turn and my hand was forced.
eventually we got evicted anyways, and I was rendered homeless, unable to do anything about all the work I was still due for then. we were out of a place for several months, living out of our cars and later within a single spare room at a neighbors, everyone in the family was frustrated and hateful towards one another until we eventually split up, and in the midst of this I was still trying to keep up with the job i had at the time as well as with college.
To be totally honest, I don't think I'll ever have the will to work on them, I rarely have the will to draw for my own sake anymore anyways. everything I submitted the other day was all done back in january. If this means people will never take commissions for me again, well so be it then. because I don't think I'd ever want to do commissions again in the first place. it was a miserable, exhausting experience back then as I had to churn them out in rapid succession. I spent hours rushing to finish them, and finish revisions all so that I could make something of an income. and I had to do them cheep too. generally around 5 dollars or so.
I'd still try and pay back those clients if I could, but as it stands, I have enough anxiety as it is to deal with.
So what am I leading up to when I say all this? frankly I don't even know. I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest and not have to worry about it. I was afraid of pissing people off and making it so that if I ever did need to get back into commissions again, I wasn't bared off due to having a bad reputation for leaving work unfinished. but frankly, I just don't care anymore. live is shit and this is bound to happen anyways.
I just want to say that I'm not a negligent person, we aren't in this financial fix because we are spending money on frivolous shit like games, phones, and fancy cloths. all of it's been going into our cars, our apartment, our bills, and just things we generally cannot afford not to pay on. we don't even have television for christ's sake! haven't had Tv in over a year!
things have just been overwhelming for the two of us.
I'm in a terrible, terrible position right now, but i guess that's not news because I've always been in a terrible, terrible position. only now everything has gotten more expensive, our rent, our utilities, and just general day to day mandatory expenses. but to add onto it I'm under huge amounts of debt between credit card debts as a result of impromptu car repairs, to loans for car repair and critical bills like rent. regardless of what I do, i can never seem to crawl out of this pit, rather, i just fall deeper and deeper into it despite my struggles.
every payday is meaningless because by the time things come and swipe out it's share, I'm lucky if I even have 10 damn dollars to eat off of for the week, and all the while I'm constantly being hounded by collectors every day.
and here, I've got like over a hundred dollars worth of long overdue commissions that I still haven't gotten to between work, college, and periods of just sitting down and breaking out in tears.
As you guys may have noticed, I don't upload much at all, or even do much on FA, I rarely draw much to begin with but even when I do I'm hesitant to share it as i feel people would get mad about the fact I spent time drawing something for myself when that same time could have been spent drawing one of the commissions i owe, it's not the same though, at least I don't have to worry about making constant revisions on the same piece till it's absolutely perfect. I wanted to try and pay them back but again, there are weeks where i literally don't even have money to eat with. and now I'm tied to multiple payment plans and loan payments that I have no idea how I'll be able to handle between everything I already pay.
The reason I've accrued all these overdue commissions is because at the time I was unemployed, I've still been looking for a job to no success and so for that time, commissions were my job. when i got something I needed to finish it within the next hour, if the client went offline for the day, then i didn't get to eat that day. and I needed to make sure i always made enough to cover the internet bill because if that went off, I lost my main source of income, and if I didn't have my phone then all I could do then was just wait for the 5 day notice on our apartment (but all that happened anyways...) I tried to prevent this by insisting on not taking pay till the piece was done, and putting a limit on how many active commissions i could do. but then things too an increasingly desperate turn and my hand was forced.
eventually we got evicted anyways, and I was rendered homeless, unable to do anything about all the work I was still due for then. we were out of a place for several months, living out of our cars and later within a single spare room at a neighbors, everyone in the family was frustrated and hateful towards one another until we eventually split up, and in the midst of this I was still trying to keep up with the job i had at the time as well as with college.
To be totally honest, I don't think I'll ever have the will to work on them, I rarely have the will to draw for my own sake anymore anyways. everything I submitted the other day was all done back in january. If this means people will never take commissions for me again, well so be it then. because I don't think I'd ever want to do commissions again in the first place. it was a miserable, exhausting experience back then as I had to churn them out in rapid succession. I spent hours rushing to finish them, and finish revisions all so that I could make something of an income. and I had to do them cheep too. generally around 5 dollars or so.
I'd still try and pay back those clients if I could, but as it stands, I have enough anxiety as it is to deal with.
So what am I leading up to when I say all this? frankly I don't even know. I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest and not have to worry about it. I was afraid of pissing people off and making it so that if I ever did need to get back into commissions again, I wasn't bared off due to having a bad reputation for leaving work unfinished. but frankly, I just don't care anymore. live is shit and this is bound to happen anyways.
I just want to say that I'm not a negligent person, we aren't in this financial fix because we are spending money on frivolous shit like games, phones, and fancy cloths. all of it's been going into our cars, our apartment, our bills, and just things we generally cannot afford not to pay on. we don't even have television for christ's sake! haven't had Tv in over a year!
things have just been overwhelming for the two of us.
we are trying a few things, seeing if there's a cheaper internet provider, and perhaps switching to a cheeper phone service as well.
If you need a safe space to just talk or complain, please consider FA that place. Just getting stuff off your chest might help out with your anxiety, and it would also help commissioners know where you're at too.
I hope the best for you. I'd be willing to talk if you ever need one-on-one time.
I may not use FA as one big wining board, but I think I may want to open up and talk about more things in general, rather than just hiding out all the time.
To me, it's not whining if I care about you- I want to hear what you have to say and I don't want you holding all your emotions in. I think it'd be great to hear from you more often. :)
Shit some folks at that point, end up doing crimes or illegal things just to make the money needed to survive. (And that's not good at all considering most jobs don't hire you for shit.)
One thing that comes to mind is Reddit, they have a lot of information on what would help a bit in your situation. Maybe start from /r/frugal, /r/eatcheapandhealthy, /r/personalfinance and see the FAQ's for tips on how to get your financial house in order and how to take care of the debt, even if you're having it rough now. See your city's subreddit too. Wish I could help but I'm 4,000mi away in another country.