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Fundamentally Broken
7 years ago
General
My last journal was nine months ago.
Since then I've had a lot of despair and negative thoughts swirling in my head that I'm really struggling to get out in the open and post journals about again.
Should I even try? Because as much as I might put on a brave face and actually enjoy myself while I'm with my close friends and at furry cons, outside of those events, I'm not really enjoying life for what its worth anymore and I don't know what has happened to get me here or what I can do to fix it.
Online friendships have suffered, my overall enjoyment of the furry fandom that I've been a part of for twenty years is suffering and I'm wondering where it all went wrong. Have I changed or has it been the fandom changing?
I really feel like I should type up a tremendous essay, but I don't know how it'd even go over or the response it'd get.
--Mozdoc
Since then I've had a lot of despair and negative thoughts swirling in my head that I'm really struggling to get out in the open and post journals about again.
Should I even try? Because as much as I might put on a brave face and actually enjoy myself while I'm with my close friends and at furry cons, outside of those events, I'm not really enjoying life for what its worth anymore and I don't know what has happened to get me here or what I can do to fix it.
Online friendships have suffered, my overall enjoyment of the furry fandom that I've been a part of for twenty years is suffering and I'm wondering where it all went wrong. Have I changed or has it been the fandom changing?
I really feel like I should type up a tremendous essay, but I don't know how it'd even go over or the response it'd get.
--Mozdoc
I went to bed and I can't sleep.
My thoughts are racing and not quieting down and finally I just broke.
I'm out of bed right now and just sitting in an dark room in quiet with tears in my eyes and I just don't know why anymore.
Well thats a part truth, I know why, but its just a catastrophic breakdown in my mind about everything thats been making me get to this moment from the past however many years its been and why I need to write that journal and lay it all down.
I'm seriously trembling as I write this on my phone but yet I'm not cold, I don't know what to do anymore to get back my interest in life because its just so fucking boring anymore. Nothing interesting goes on. Its just wake up, go to work, come home, have zero motivation to do a god damn thing, go to bed, and its rinse and fucking repeat the next day.
Looks like I'll be writing that longer journal sooner than I thought so I can try and get some measure of happiness back.
--Mozdoc