MARJORIE
MUST
DIE
!


Yes, J-chan, she IS my Josie!
And as of this afternoon, as of somewhere in the last half hour even, I have had absolutely enough of that biting, nagging, insecure, self-immobilizing, over critical, paranoid evil half of my psyche. She needs to be exorcised...even if I have to take an entire drawing tablet to do it, this is over NOW!!!

Saturday, October 11th, 2008
Nick "Fenris" Francis left this world.
He was 26.
He suffered with Cystic Fibrosis, amongst other ailments, for most of his life. Not once did he ask for pity. He is Wolf, and he fought his entire life, right up until his last breath. He was made of a strength, courage, and heart that will not be duplicated, ever.

Your Pack--wolf-brethren, and fox and jackal cousins--feel the void, and bay in mourning, Little Wolf. Oddly, we hear your voice join ours, and take our comfort in knowing that you're still around.

After kissing a lot of frogs, I think I've finally found a Prince!

I can has happies!

His name is Tom.
He's an Army Reservist.
Who reads Heinlein.
Has gone through Engineering school.
Seems interested.
And nice.
Likes wine.
Enjoys Japanese, Thai, and other interesting foods.
Is older.

Hope this goes well...

"I ain't got a heart of gold, I'm hurtin' more now than I've ever known, If you mean the things you said, I'm gonna wind up out of my head..."

"Damned If I Do" by Alan Person's Project. A song from 1980-something-when-I-was-younger. The lyrics to this have been fitting my current situation all too well...."I don't wanna tie you down, Don't need a reason to have you around, But each time you walk away, Don't be surprised if I ask you to stay..."

I am so melancholy right now. I hurt internally. I don't sleep anymore...or at least, not more than a couple hours at a whack. Don't eat much. And the only time I function decently is when I'm overloaded with things to do and just keep movig through sheer force of will.

"Can't sleep, alone at night, Just can't seem to get it right, I'm damned if I do, Damned if I don't, but I love you..."

Michael.........

What have I done...??

I Have Become The Shyteload of Teenage Angst! GRAaaaaaa!!!

Why do I hear a shyteload of teenager-in-love angst going on around me right now?????

Wow, it's been some time since I picked up the old pencil and tablet! I have a couple things I actually need to upload from this summer, little ditties I sketched while bored on the mountainside...and a new pic that should be up later today, provided I can finish it--its a bit of a turn from my normal cartoonish drawing style, and if it comes out well, it just may be one of the best drawings I've done.

Here I sit, baking cookies and brownies for tomorrow, listening to Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Shouldn't I be in a good mood?

My Cub has forgotten me. The last time I heard from him, truly the last time he sought me out was to ask a favor for someone he knew. No acknowledgement of some of the info I gave him on myself. I was good for some spellwork, that's all.

My firstborn has forgotten me also. There, I was simply good enough to give birth to her and sign the paper allowing her to test for her license. Does she have it? No idea...I never got a phone call. I was good for a signature, that's all.

Chris...I'm not even sure I can go there. Except that his family is now taking Mel out to dinner for her birthday. I haven't heard from him or Elisa in well over a year, and I don't even recognize their kids in pictures anymore. Guess I was just a temporary fascination.

Dave...yeah, another fun subject. Haven't heard from him since Monday. Suppose he could be on-call at the firehouse. Good for breakfast a few days last week, that's all.

Moe and Andy, old friends. They stopped gaming with us when new friends joined in. They weren't asked to leave, I guess they just didn't want to be second-best friends or something stupid like that.

Keith. Married Liz, an awesome woman. Found out she has an inheritance in Florida, which will get them settled and on track in life. They left in September, a week before my birthday. I've known him since I was 12. Do you think he said goodbye?

Sitting here with some beautiful sugar cookies and brownies and various other yummies. They look good, except for the brownies that crumbled when I took them out of the pan, oh well. I'm sure someone will be happy that I made them.

Shouldn't I be in a good mood??

...in approximately 20 hours.
8am tomorrow morning is an appointment with health services at UMass. For the same problems that have been plaguing my body for the last 6+ years, that none of the 4 or 5 doctors I've been shuffled between has had the decency to hear me out on. And quite frankly, for the first time in the last 18 years, I am afraid. Ever since I found that my 20-yr old brother had testicular cancer and have put together a family history that's beginning to look like it should be documented in an oncologist's book somewhere, I have been haunted by what this doctor's appointment regarding the myriad symptoms of the cumulate past 6 years of my life is going to show to me. Mainly because if I'm following in the collective footsteps of my forebears and my brother, there is a possibility that it may already be too late.

Jonathan Sean Sheehan
September 22, 1992

Happy 15th birthday.
I still love and miss you.

Yes, peoples, even though I haven't gotten to updating my drawing OR writing, I am taking a moment to say that, as of tomorrow (Thursday May 31st) I am outta-here for the summer. Yup, no phone, no computer, no TV...sounds like Heaven to me, but its really just an internship in the mountains of New Hampshire!
See you all in September!
--KJ

Well, this just sucks. I've had two interviews for two internship positions--one in VT, one in NH--both of which told me they would callback at/by certain times and tell me yes-or-no if I got the position(s). And it comes now to this--no phone calls, no emails, been sitting here waiting, and it takes me going onto the recruitment website to find out that both positions have been filled!!!!!

There goes my internship credit to get into grad school!!
I'm just hoping that my independant research will be good enough to tide me over now. I mean, it's not like I'm one of the other spring chicks with all the time in the world to complete their degree work and internship opportunities--I'm going to be fucking FORTY by the time I get into my field, and that's bordering on "too late".

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear, writing so many papers a week is really sucking my life energies away...not to mention my time, part of my soul, a good chunk of sleep, etc etc!

Anywhos, it seems that I will be getting an A in that course (Volcanology--graduate level) and the corresponding Honors section I took for it (the prof likes the way I do my presentations on my 'adopted' volcano!), so I guess it's not all in vain. Japanese looks like it will also be an A--I had a 94 average as of midterm. Structure may hover between a low B and a high C, depending on how the rest of my lab re-dos go. Calculus...*sigh*, well I guess everyone has a natural barrier to the fulfillment of their desires, and this happens to be mine. (And I used to be so good at math, too!) Regardless, even if I don't pass it this semester, I'll find a way of getting by it.

Speaking on the Calc note--and this is a little depressing to me--I may have to change my major in grad school. It was going to be (surprise, surprise) Volcanology, something I think I already have a natural flair for. However, that will require courses such as Fluid Dynamics (not too hard, until you factor in the amount of Calculus combined with Physics), Thermodynamics (same issue), and Multivariate Calculus (GOOD GRIEF, WILL IT NEVER END?!?!?!). I may have to pass and take up Petrology (study of igneous rocks) instead...which, thankfully, I also seem to have a natural talent for. But it's just not as exciting as sitting on the side of a mountain, feeling the ground shake below you, hearing the crunch and rumble of breaking rocks kilometers below your feet, and awaiting the inevitable belching forth of hot gasses, ash, rock, and lava. Nope, just doesn't compare.

Regardless of all other shadows across my geologic existence, I think what my soul is going to need very soon...actually, what it's been screaming at me to do for the last week...is to get a little new writing done. It both intrigues and upsets me that the ideas I've had coming to my head have nothing to do with any story lines I created in the past...but I guess that doesn't matter as much as the actual act of writing, eh? And a little bit of drawing would probably help me out, too...
I was actually thinking of taking a tablet and my charcoal pencils with me this evening when I go observe Murray-san's Brazilian jiu jitsu class. I've never been great at human form drawings, but I kinda feel inspired to give sketching him a try. Then again, if you saw that backside walking in front of you in them tight jeans...you'de want to try to sketch it too!
Of course, "sketch" wasn't exactly the First thing that came to mind, but let's not jump too many guns at once....! *blush*

Ok, enough of my rambling, I have to try to piece together a few coherent thoughts before I go tripping off to work on my independant project with my advisor. Today we get to pulverize my granites into dust!! Yay!!!

Ciao, bellas!

...well, not really.
But I am removing myself from online for a week or two. I've been going through a lot of psychological crap as of late, and it has had the effect of completely destroying any motivation to get my schoolwork (or even my habby-work like drawing or writing or crocheting) done...and I've got a few projects that have backed up that really need to be submitted before spring break starts (or I lose one grade completely and another one will end up sliding downhill).
If anyone really really needs to get ahold of me (and there are only two of you with this knowledge and.or privelege)...my home phone works, and the answering machine is on. My last check of email and stuff will be Tuesday afternoon, after that--see you at Spring Break!
And hopefully I will have a couple cartoon sketches and maybe a story to post.

1. Can you cook?
2. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?
3. What talent do you wish you had?
4. Favorite place?
5. Favorite vegetable?
6. What was the last book you read?
7. Are you Dirty or Clean?
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
9. Worst Habit?

HERE COMES THE FUN...
1. How did we meet?
2. What's your philosophy on life?
3. Negative or Optimistic?
4. What was your dream growing up?
5. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
6. What was your first impression of me?
7. Tell me one weird fact about you:
8. Whats your favorite memory of us?
9. What would we do if we met up?
10. Have you ever kept anything from me?
11. What do you think of me as a Person?
12. Do you think I'm sane or insane?
13. Would you cry for me if I died?
14. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. How do you fall asleep?
17. Ever gotten angry with me?
18. Would you go on a blind date if I set you up?
19. If you had one day to live, what would you do?
20. A million bucks.. what would you do with it?
21. What is your worst fear?
22. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
23. Can you sing or dance?
24. In one word, how would you describe me? Be honest...
25. Will you repost this so I can fill it out ?

I officially hate Wednesdays.

They are the days I have to deal with my mother at some point, and that relationship hasn't been fun since I was 6.
And they seem to be the days in which most everything wrong in one week collectively falls, such as:
A brother being diagnosed with cancer...at 19.
My roof leaking, all over my son's room.
Said son having a seizure...in the bathtub.
My mother taking offense to my seeming lack of trust in her.
Realizing that the paranoia problem has recently become more of a problem than it had been in the last 2 years.
And that I can't get it back under wraps by myself.
And knowing that there is nothing I can do about it until the legal battle(s) between my family are wrapped up completely.

Sorry to vent.
Ignore me at your leisure.

*sigh* The camera ran off with my husband tonight, they're both up at Haven for the 11 year Anniversary of Goth Night, so he's taking pictures instead of me. Which means that the pics I was going to take and post tonight of my little D.A. are just going to have to wait.
Hopefully, we have a snowday tomorrow, and I'll be able to post then...and maybe finish that darned chapter I've been meaning to put up!

I originally had two more chapters in Wee'A kitty's story, but I'm scrapping them. I have a different direction and writing style that I think these other chapters should be in, hence the rewriting shall commence today, and hopefully I'll start posting tonight or tomorrow.
--K