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Happy Birthday to me
Posted a year agoAnother year to get through, and last year was tough. But I'm still here! We'll see if we can get through the next.
By the way...
Posted a year agoI stream these days on Twitch. Find it here:
https://www.twitch.tv/kealldin
I have been thinking about either
a) bulk uploading a bunch of pictures of mine that people have drawn over the years, or
b) making a new account with my proper name. I could use some input from those that watch me. I wish there was a way to just... rename an account. If that's possible, let me know, as I have no clue if it is.
What do you all think anyhow?
https://www.twitch.tv/kealldin
I have been thinking about either
a) bulk uploading a bunch of pictures of mine that people have drawn over the years, or
b) making a new account with my proper name. I could use some input from those that watch me. I wish there was a way to just... rename an account. If that's possible, let me know, as I have no clue if it is.
What do you all think anyhow?
Goodbye, old friend.
Posted 5 years ago
kentam has passed on. I'm sure everyone has heard it by now, but it stings quite a bit deep for me in particular. He was the one that pushed and got me my first con badge. He was the one that pushed me to spread Gluttony out more. He was always there for me in a way, and to know that he's gone now, despite all our teasings that I will eat him, hits deeper than any thing I could possibly think of. Most of you probably have known him as long as I have. But he was a good friend, and someone I valued highly.I'll miss you MiniMike. Wherever you may be now, rest easy.
Hey, its 2020.
Posted 5 years agoReally just making a journal to get the previous one out of the way -- No one reads these anyhow.
Lonely, frustrated, hated, ostracized, depressed -- Its all here.
Just gotta keep my head down longer.
Lonely, frustrated, hated, ostracized, depressed -- Its all here.
Just gotta keep my head down longer.
A small retrospective of 2018, and the Future.
Posted 6 years agoSo, had a long day at work. Then again, when do I not? Haha! Well, anyhow, this is a journal I feel like posting as I think about everything that has led up to this point in time, and what the next year brings for me.
Though, to say the least, 2018 was preeeetty shit. But with the bads, did come the goods. And some of the good were amazing.
When I look back at the full year, really, several key moments stand out -- The moments of extreme isolation I fought day by day (which eventually lead to a breakdown of sorts), my moment of realization of my financial independence, and of course, the many trips I took throughout the year. I can also look back and see some dreams, crushed to absolute dust -- but others, starting to truly shine. So I'll be covering each one, to air my thoughts out, quietly thinking about a lot of the things that brought me to 2019.
The isolation
Moving to a new location is never too hard for me, as I've drifted quite a lot in my life. But this was probably the most challenging yet -- I moved into a place where I was more or less isolated from everyone and everything, with only a roommate who I met online help me through the worst. I dropped my goal and ambition of going to school in Texas for a game development program that looked extremely promising, instead opting to follow this roommate to the sunny state of Arizona. But the first difficulties were before even 2018 came around -- I had to pay rent from both the place I left, and the place I was going to, and there were no exceptions! It drained my bank quickly, and left me scrambling and anxious for a job. But eventually, one was secured, and I started working full time. Come the start of 2018, though, relationships soured with the roommate, and things quickly took a downhill turn for me as I was more and more isolated with each day, the roommate having taken efforts to cut me from their life and to turn my own words against me.
To say the least, the early to middle months of 2018 were the worst in my life. Each day I woke up wondering if I would even be noticed, instead of an invisible object in the scenery. Countless times, I would come home and find that I would have to fend for myself in terms of food and social life, already crippled with the fact I do not own a car. My needs were always very simple -- Attention, and food. But these were not even satisfied, or met. I felt incredibly hopeless, and powerless, under the thumb of someone that didn't care for me, and made every effort to make my own home and environment hostile without outright removing me. It drove me to the point of thinking about suicide twice. The second time, I called the Suicide Hotline. My older brother eventually pulled me out of my slump.
The realization
The second half of 2018 was more favorable, with a new roommate coming in and the old one leaving. Though it was rocky, life normalized at this point, and I realized here that I was truly, fully, on my own. I did not know this new roommate - It was the old one's friend. I had no support nearby in this city -- I was alone and a stranger, and there was no safety net. But, the feeling of knowing that my own two hands are finally getting myself up on my feet -- That is a feeling that continues to drive me. Financial independence from others is a hell of a drug for someone who lacks a degree and has lived nearly paycheck to paycheck for half a decade.
The trips
I went to my first Blizzcon ever in the later months, and it turned out to be one of the biggest letdowns in Blizzcon's history from what I am told. This is not a convention I would go back to personally, as the price and the crowds were too much for me. The people I met though, were folk I won't forget any time soon. And I brought another roommate in to help pay the bills. However, this turned out unfavorably, as they were not able to get income, draining my own funds. Still, the fact I have such power to try to help others, is incredibly nice. Overall though, I did take trips multiple times this year to meet someone I care for greatly. To see their face light up when I gave them a gift I truly thought meant something... I don't think I could ever ask for a better gift back. I cherish that moment.
At the final day, I find myself spending a significant amount of time working. Its been my life, though not my fulfillment. Its draining, its dull, and incredibly repetitive. But, it is what keeps me in an apartment, and what lets me pay bills, and puts money into my bank to store up for the next adventure I have.
So why talk about all this? Why post a journal? Who is going to read this? To be frank, I don't think anyone is. No one needs to. Its a journal for me to simply air out my thoughts, after all. But, I have learned this year, most importantly: Stand up on your own. I have spent so many years wanting to please others, and to make friends, that I never did try to focus on myself so entirely. But, after the events I endured this year, I have learned to help myself first. It is an incredibly hard lesson to learn, truth be told. You will hurt people. You will make others cry. You may come off as heartless or mean. But, if I did not care for myself first and foremost, I might not be alive today. Don't be pressured into doing things you don't want to do. Don't go seeking things you hate to gain the approval of others. Don't fit yourself into a circle that doesn't accept you to begin with. Move on. Do your own thing. Lets people come to you. I have finally stood up, and the view is better than I expected. I thought I needed the support of friends to do anything. In reality, you only need yourself. Your friends will come to support you.
So, what does all that mean for me in the future? Simple, really.
I'll keep working. Day job is important. I don't like it, but I accept it as my reality for now, and will continue to do so until other things turn.
I'll also, as some may have been wanting to hear, continue to work on Gluttony. Gluttony has been an extremely personal project for me, to prove to myself that I -can- do something on my own... and release my own fully developed game. Its been in development for a long time now, but its finally getting traction. People are starting to notice. And with this, I might even be able to look into getting funding for it other than my own paychecks. A full on beta release is expected this year. Maybe... Gluttony can be my ticket out of my day job. Its a fat chance, and a shot for a moon, but better to have tried than to never see what could happen, right?
I will also continue to seek friendships and loves. But, I will not let myself be dependent upon them. There are some out there that know I care for them immensely. This doesn't mean, however, I will give up my own ambitions for them. At least, not anymore. I'm ready to do things the way I intend. And not bend just for some time with someone. I will fight my loneliness as best I can, but ultimately, I will do what I think is best for -me-.
2019 is looking to be a year where I will remain where I am. But, at the same time, it looks to be a year where I will finally spread my wings, and take proper flight. Maybe I will see you in the skies?
See you all in the new year.
Though, to say the least, 2018 was preeeetty shit. But with the bads, did come the goods. And some of the good were amazing.
When I look back at the full year, really, several key moments stand out -- The moments of extreme isolation I fought day by day (which eventually lead to a breakdown of sorts), my moment of realization of my financial independence, and of course, the many trips I took throughout the year. I can also look back and see some dreams, crushed to absolute dust -- but others, starting to truly shine. So I'll be covering each one, to air my thoughts out, quietly thinking about a lot of the things that brought me to 2019.
The isolation
Moving to a new location is never too hard for me, as I've drifted quite a lot in my life. But this was probably the most challenging yet -- I moved into a place where I was more or less isolated from everyone and everything, with only a roommate who I met online help me through the worst. I dropped my goal and ambition of going to school in Texas for a game development program that looked extremely promising, instead opting to follow this roommate to the sunny state of Arizona. But the first difficulties were before even 2018 came around -- I had to pay rent from both the place I left, and the place I was going to, and there were no exceptions! It drained my bank quickly, and left me scrambling and anxious for a job. But eventually, one was secured, and I started working full time. Come the start of 2018, though, relationships soured with the roommate, and things quickly took a downhill turn for me as I was more and more isolated with each day, the roommate having taken efforts to cut me from their life and to turn my own words against me.
To say the least, the early to middle months of 2018 were the worst in my life. Each day I woke up wondering if I would even be noticed, instead of an invisible object in the scenery. Countless times, I would come home and find that I would have to fend for myself in terms of food and social life, already crippled with the fact I do not own a car. My needs were always very simple -- Attention, and food. But these were not even satisfied, or met. I felt incredibly hopeless, and powerless, under the thumb of someone that didn't care for me, and made every effort to make my own home and environment hostile without outright removing me. It drove me to the point of thinking about suicide twice. The second time, I called the Suicide Hotline. My older brother eventually pulled me out of my slump.
The realization
The second half of 2018 was more favorable, with a new roommate coming in and the old one leaving. Though it was rocky, life normalized at this point, and I realized here that I was truly, fully, on my own. I did not know this new roommate - It was the old one's friend. I had no support nearby in this city -- I was alone and a stranger, and there was no safety net. But, the feeling of knowing that my own two hands are finally getting myself up on my feet -- That is a feeling that continues to drive me. Financial independence from others is a hell of a drug for someone who lacks a degree and has lived nearly paycheck to paycheck for half a decade.
The trips
I went to my first Blizzcon ever in the later months, and it turned out to be one of the biggest letdowns in Blizzcon's history from what I am told. This is not a convention I would go back to personally, as the price and the crowds were too much for me. The people I met though, were folk I won't forget any time soon. And I brought another roommate in to help pay the bills. However, this turned out unfavorably, as they were not able to get income, draining my own funds. Still, the fact I have such power to try to help others, is incredibly nice. Overall though, I did take trips multiple times this year to meet someone I care for greatly. To see their face light up when I gave them a gift I truly thought meant something... I don't think I could ever ask for a better gift back. I cherish that moment.
At the final day, I find myself spending a significant amount of time working. Its been my life, though not my fulfillment. Its draining, its dull, and incredibly repetitive. But, it is what keeps me in an apartment, and what lets me pay bills, and puts money into my bank to store up for the next adventure I have.
So why talk about all this? Why post a journal? Who is going to read this? To be frank, I don't think anyone is. No one needs to. Its a journal for me to simply air out my thoughts, after all. But, I have learned this year, most importantly: Stand up on your own. I have spent so many years wanting to please others, and to make friends, that I never did try to focus on myself so entirely. But, after the events I endured this year, I have learned to help myself first. It is an incredibly hard lesson to learn, truth be told. You will hurt people. You will make others cry. You may come off as heartless or mean. But, if I did not care for myself first and foremost, I might not be alive today. Don't be pressured into doing things you don't want to do. Don't go seeking things you hate to gain the approval of others. Don't fit yourself into a circle that doesn't accept you to begin with. Move on. Do your own thing. Lets people come to you. I have finally stood up, and the view is better than I expected. I thought I needed the support of friends to do anything. In reality, you only need yourself. Your friends will come to support you.
So, what does all that mean for me in the future? Simple, really.
I'll keep working. Day job is important. I don't like it, but I accept it as my reality for now, and will continue to do so until other things turn.
I'll also, as some may have been wanting to hear, continue to work on Gluttony. Gluttony has been an extremely personal project for me, to prove to myself that I -can- do something on my own... and release my own fully developed game. Its been in development for a long time now, but its finally getting traction. People are starting to notice. And with this, I might even be able to look into getting funding for it other than my own paychecks. A full on beta release is expected this year. Maybe... Gluttony can be my ticket out of my day job. Its a fat chance, and a shot for a moon, but better to have tried than to never see what could happen, right?
I will also continue to seek friendships and loves. But, I will not let myself be dependent upon them. There are some out there that know I care for them immensely. This doesn't mean, however, I will give up my own ambitions for them. At least, not anymore. I'm ready to do things the way I intend. And not bend just for some time with someone. I will fight my loneliness as best I can, but ultimately, I will do what I think is best for -me-.
2019 is looking to be a year where I will remain where I am. But, at the same time, it looks to be a year where I will finally spread my wings, and take proper flight. Maybe I will see you in the skies?
See you all in the new year.
Signal Boost for DAD
Posted 8 years agohttps://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8372651/
My friend Dranslin is doing an adult dragon panel named Dragons After Dark. If you're an artist interested in participating or viewing this kind of panel, definitely check it out!
My friend Dranslin is doing an adult dragon panel named Dragons After Dark. If you're an artist interested in participating or viewing this kind of panel, definitely check it out!
AnthroCon 2017 and Gluttony: The Aftermath
Posted 8 years agoMan, what a time it was. My life has been a whirlwind, but this was just ridiculous. AC this year was a ride and a half, and I'm utterly exhausted typing this out at the computer.
There isn't too much to say about the Con itself -- Ultimately, it was another con experience, with goods and bads and ups and downs! A couple of stand-out people were definitely my roommates, Zaru and Hiro, Odendo, and Kallin. While it was pricey for me in the end, I am more than glad I was able to give them a place to stay. Something about being able to host others really fulfills something in me, you know? I got stressed out a bit organizing the Pho get-together, too, but that felt like a last minute thing! Next year if I go to AC, I will just straight up host it so everyone knows ahead of time instead of passing the hot potato around!
Gluttony fared a bit worse. I got approx. 6 playtests in total, with simple questions and minor feedback. The first round was disasterous, and made me realize a lot of flaws that could be worked on. So its back to the drawing board for a -lot- of things, especially Accessories. Every other playtest went rather positively, with most people remarking they would play again, or that they actually had fun with the game!
Overall, I have so many people to thank, and not enough mindspace to remember them all. If I forgot about you, I'm sorry. But thank you for making the experience amazing. And now for some particular people/notes:
-Sushi Kim's was something else. Yes, I look skinny, and can shovel away the food, but I'm still actually quite fat.
-I will most likely rent the Marriott Chatham again. The staff was too nice.
-I hope I can generate more interest in Gluttony, but am more than happy that people -wanted- to play another round in the end. Warms my heart, sincerely.
-That amazing drunk girl... I don't remember her name. She was awesome.
-Googly eyes.
-First time getting my own commissions with the help of friends. Thanks for going out of your way and just... dedicating time to nudge me to get it.
I think that's really everything off the top of my head! I'm sure more will come later, but yeah! Thank you everyone once more! And I hope to see everyone with a new and improved version of Gluttony in the future!
There isn't too much to say about the Con itself -- Ultimately, it was another con experience, with goods and bads and ups and downs! A couple of stand-out people were definitely my roommates, Zaru and Hiro, Odendo, and Kallin. While it was pricey for me in the end, I am more than glad I was able to give them a place to stay. Something about being able to host others really fulfills something in me, you know? I got stressed out a bit organizing the Pho get-together, too, but that felt like a last minute thing! Next year if I go to AC, I will just straight up host it so everyone knows ahead of time instead of passing the hot potato around!
Gluttony fared a bit worse. I got approx. 6 playtests in total, with simple questions and minor feedback. The first round was disasterous, and made me realize a lot of flaws that could be worked on. So its back to the drawing board for a -lot- of things, especially Accessories. Every other playtest went rather positively, with most people remarking they would play again, or that they actually had fun with the game!
Overall, I have so many people to thank, and not enough mindspace to remember them all. If I forgot about you, I'm sorry. But thank you for making the experience amazing. And now for some particular people/notes:
-Sushi Kim's was something else. Yes, I look skinny, and can shovel away the food, but I'm still actually quite fat.
-I will most likely rent the Marriott Chatham again. The staff was too nice.
-I hope I can generate more interest in Gluttony, but am more than happy that people -wanted- to play another round in the end. Warms my heart, sincerely.
-That amazing drunk girl... I don't remember her name. She was awesome.
-Googly eyes.
-First time getting my own commissions with the help of friends. Thanks for going out of your way and just... dedicating time to nudge me to get it.
I think that's really everything off the top of my head! I'm sure more will come later, but yeah! Thank you everyone once more! And I hope to see everyone with a new and improved version of Gluttony in the future!
AnthroCon 2017, Gluttony: The Vore Card Game.
Posted 8 years agoA new Journal, mainly for AnthroCon.
I have a room reserved at the Marriott for a whole week, starting the 27th and the last night on Jul 3. As it stands, I have no one reserved yet, and I am looking for three other roommates that would be willing to rent out with me. Even if there is no one, I will still be able to pay for it all, but would like to share it.
As for the convention itself, I will be bringing back Gluttony: The Vore Card Game for further playtesting. I'm excited to spread it and try it out with as many people as possible. Please, if you can, spread the word to as many people as possible at this point. I am running scheduled playtests as well online in Tabletop Simulator. For those interested, please join my Gluttony Discord server right here: https://discord.gg/t4dv6hP This is where I set up and run my playtests and where you can participate, helping me change and direct my game in a better direction.
Thanks for reading this.
I have a room reserved at the Marriott for a whole week, starting the 27th and the last night on Jul 3. As it stands, I have no one reserved yet, and I am looking for three other roommates that would be willing to rent out with me. Even if there is no one, I will still be able to pay for it all, but would like to share it.
As for the convention itself, I will be bringing back Gluttony: The Vore Card Game for further playtesting. I'm excited to spread it and try it out with as many people as possible. Please, if you can, spread the word to as many people as possible at this point. I am running scheduled playtests as well online in Tabletop Simulator. For those interested, please join my Gluttony Discord server right here: https://discord.gg/t4dv6hP This is where I set up and run my playtests and where you can participate, helping me change and direct my game in a better direction.
Thanks for reading this.
Kinda sorta dropping off for a bit?
Posted 9 years agoI'll still be active in my den rooms, but last month had hit an interesting low for me. I had a bit of a mental breakdown, and threatened to kill myself. It was loud and boisterous due to my inability to hurt myself due to being a coward, but I definitely had a lot of suicidal thoughts and had even asked my roommate to shoot me with his gun. It wasn't pretty.
Everything exploded from there, and now, a month later, life is getting back into a rhythm, albeit a slightly different one. I am going to therapy now to keep my mentality straight. I am looking after myself now. Ultimately, my desire to be with people probably led to my complete downfall and crumbling of situations. I will still be checking my FA, but I think I will be going quiet for the most part, and avoiding going out of my way for people like I used to. Too much energy wasted on such tiny payouts. Focussing on myself and those I feel closest to, but otherwise keeping away.
If you need to get a hold of me, send me a PM or find me on Discord. I'm a pretty pleasant guy, but I am not going to be compromising as much anymore. It just isn't worth it.
Everything exploded from there, and now, a month later, life is getting back into a rhythm, albeit a slightly different one. I am going to therapy now to keep my mentality straight. I am looking after myself now. Ultimately, my desire to be with people probably led to my complete downfall and crumbling of situations. I will still be checking my FA, but I think I will be going quiet for the most part, and avoiding going out of my way for people like I used to. Too much energy wasted on such tiny payouts. Focussing on myself and those I feel closest to, but otherwise keeping away.
If you need to get a hold of me, send me a PM or find me on Discord. I'm a pretty pleasant guy, but I am not going to be compromising as much anymore. It just isn't worth it.
Happy Hatchday to me~
Posted 9 years agoHooray, today I turn 29. I'm sure most of my friends have already wished me a happy hatchday, but I feel like I should make a journal about it as well. Hrrrl, happy hatchday to me! <3
I could do a whole retrospective, but I think that would be more fitting in a seperate journal! I don't know, we will see!
I could do a whole retrospective, but I think that would be more fitting in a seperate journal! I don't know, we will see!
Commissions?
Posted 9 years agoIts been a long time since I last posted something here. Life kicked my butt hard. I'm still aching, admittedly, but I'm still alive, at least!
As it stands, my Paypal works now, which means I can actually transfer funds. This also opens up the thought of actually doing a commission or two for friends to simply practice my art and scribble things I like. Due to certain situations, I am also unemployed, so this gives me ample opportunity to just put a focus on something other than video games! Otherwise, I'm curious with friends, how valued do you think my art really is? 5$? 10$? I don't know if I honestly am worth much due to the simple scribbles I make. If you are interested in getting a commission from me, do send me a note! I greatly appreciate it.
Ultimately, I've put Gluttony on the backburner due to multiple reasons, but will return to it with a full rehaul due to the many things that proved to make the game just not fun overall. I will update when that is fully ready to test, but expect it to take a little more time. For those that would like to try the older version, let me know! It wasn't -bad-, but just got bogged down too much. Its only available through Tabletop Simulator though.
Thanks for reading!
As it stands, my Paypal works now, which means I can actually transfer funds. This also opens up the thought of actually doing a commission or two for friends to simply practice my art and scribble things I like. Due to certain situations, I am also unemployed, so this gives me ample opportunity to just put a focus on something other than video games! Otherwise, I'm curious with friends, how valued do you think my art really is? 5$? 10$? I don't know if I honestly am worth much due to the simple scribbles I make. If you are interested in getting a commission from me, do send me a note! I greatly appreciate it.
Ultimately, I've put Gluttony on the backburner due to multiple reasons, but will return to it with a full rehaul due to the many things that proved to make the game just not fun overall. I will update when that is fully ready to test, but expect it to take a little more time. For those that would like to try the older version, let me know! It wasn't -bad-, but just got bogged down too much. Its only available through Tabletop Simulator though.
Thanks for reading!
Anthrocon, and Gluttony: A vore card game!
Posted 10 years agoHey there, its not often I put a journal down, though now is a good time to. As it stands, as late as this will be, I am going to Anthrocon this year! If you want to talk to me, send me a note, and we'll get in touch. I have a room, so I should be safe. I hope to see a lot of folks this year that I (admittedly) haven't talked to in a while! I hope everyone has been well.
On a second note, this also brings about my personal announcement: If you've been around me, you might know I have been working on this, but I am currently making a card game, which I should have a physical copy ready for playtesting at AC! I currently am running playtests of Gluttony: The Vore Card Game (working title) on Tabletop Simulator, and all this week, will be attempting to run a game from 11 PM - 2 AM CDT (-5 GMT). If you have Skype, Tabletop Simulator, and want to try out this game, send me a note! I am actively looking for some playtesters right now, and will be looking for some with the physical copy of Gluttony, Beta Edition!
Other than that, work work work, game game game. Got a question? Ask and I will answer!
On a second note, this also brings about my personal announcement: If you've been around me, you might know I have been working on this, but I am currently making a card game, which I should have a physical copy ready for playtesting at AC! I currently am running playtests of Gluttony: The Vore Card Game (working title) on Tabletop Simulator, and all this week, will be attempting to run a game from 11 PM - 2 AM CDT (-5 GMT). If you have Skype, Tabletop Simulator, and want to try out this game, send me a note! I am actively looking for some playtesters right now, and will be looking for some with the physical copy of Gluttony, Beta Edition!
Other than that, work work work, game game game. Got a question? Ask and I will answer!
I made a Twitter.
Posted 10 years agoXmas was... underwhelming.
Posted 10 years agoYeah, just a journal I'm throwing up cause I know i shouldn't bottle some feelings inside. Christmas has come and gone, again, and its another quiet year for me. Though I admit, I've gone through some things I am not happy about, for sure! I recently lost a friend due to my own inaction, and it seems like its all my fault, so that's constantly hanging over me. I keep losing folk because of something stupid I do, or just my nature, and I feel like I'm really just a mean person deep down with no sympathy, but I try. It just tends to be difficult to find that. Eugh, I hope that friend can forgive me for my idiocy, but I know some people who have not and have stricken me from a friendship. It hurts.
The gift front was small, as expected -- I got money from parents, a couple games from my roommates and friends, and that's about it. I admit to feeling envious to some degree of others, getting some crazy awesome gifts, but I usually shut my mouth, cause I know being green for something is a terrible thing. I dunno, guess I just want that as well.
Living with my mate has proven rocky but awesome in a lot of ways. Sometimes its stressful, but we get through a lot. I keep learning things which is good, cause I'd probably be driven crazy otherwise. I'd like to code stuff, and keep drawing, but motivation is so aggravatingly hard, though I should just start up again and draw regardless of that, develop a bit of work ethic to my arting and coding. It would be smart to.
I feel useless, and worthless, very often, but my mate can help turn that around a good couple of times, but I sometimes feel like I shout to deaf ears at times. I wonder, who else has had those feelings? Worthlessness, or shouting to others, metaphorically, but getting nowhere with helping them understand what you mean? It'd be nice to know.
Yeah, this is kind of a stream of consciousness journal, just takking away without really thinking what I'm putting down, so do take this journal with a grain of salt. Just my current feelings and thoughts, but nothing super serious, just needing to talk to -something- -- or someone.
The gift front was small, as expected -- I got money from parents, a couple games from my roommates and friends, and that's about it. I admit to feeling envious to some degree of others, getting some crazy awesome gifts, but I usually shut my mouth, cause I know being green for something is a terrible thing. I dunno, guess I just want that as well.
Living with my mate has proven rocky but awesome in a lot of ways. Sometimes its stressful, but we get through a lot. I keep learning things which is good, cause I'd probably be driven crazy otherwise. I'd like to code stuff, and keep drawing, but motivation is so aggravatingly hard, though I should just start up again and draw regardless of that, develop a bit of work ethic to my arting and coding. It would be smart to.
I feel useless, and worthless, very often, but my mate can help turn that around a good couple of times, but I sometimes feel like I shout to deaf ears at times. I wonder, who else has had those feelings? Worthlessness, or shouting to others, metaphorically, but getting nowhere with helping them understand what you mean? It'd be nice to know.
Yeah, this is kind of a stream of consciousness journal, just takking away without really thinking what I'm putting down, so do take this journal with a grain of salt. Just my current feelings and thoughts, but nothing super serious, just needing to talk to -something- -- or someone.
Apologies
Posted 12 years agoI didn't mean for the comic to suddenly drop a week in! Busy-ness this past week and some personal problems this week has kept me from doing anything on the comic. I promise this won't happen again. Sorry about all this once more!
AC Post Mortem
Posted 13 years agoSo I actually haven't done this for an AC, and I figure I should do it now here. Its been an interest experience for me, for sure, but I'm still on the fence about going to next year's convention after this. So lemme break it down a bit.
The Good:
Logistics: Thankfully, rooms went by relatively well -- We did get split rooms in the end, but it seemed that it really did work out for everyone -- Everyone also already knew who they were rooming with, so the situation got covered almost immediately. People seemed to be able to get where they were, and I never had too much of a crowd problem for elevators this year either.
Food: So that Gyro place across the street? New favorite place. Also Hanlon's Cafe. Best, Fries, Ever. And the Vore Dinner. Great stuff.
Folk: The people this time was relatively great -- Last year was spent hanging out with the dragon crowd, and I never felt like I fit, and couldn't seem to really relax around them. This year, I was at least able to kinda relax at times (well, relax in terms of just being myself completely and totally). It was still a bit hectic though.
The Bad:
Games: Bringing the 360 wasn't the best idea. While it helped me tremendously in terms of being alone at times and just not feeling up for hanging out with people, bringing the games -I- played and enjoyed made me realize just how little others care about that. I did try a couple times to entice folk to play the games I play, but with 0 success for the most part. Next year if I go, I will have to debate bringing the 360 again.
Drifting: Some groups went by so fast that I didn't even realize they left -- And several times during the con people wouldn't bother to let me know they were moving, so before long, I'd end up alone wondering where folk went. Its interesting how I can get lost despite being near a crowd of folk, and sometimes I'm left to wonder if sometimes they intend to lose me. Regardless, I spend less time drifting this year than last year, but its still a problem. Rarely do I feel like I truly 'stick' to a group because no one really wants me to stick around.
The Special:
Pengo: In particular, Pengo really made my con. Thank you,
pengothylacine for really going out of your way to constantly find me. I don't have many words, but you'll -feel- the effects during this year, believe me!
Pyxaron: Another year, another missed opportunity to meet
Pyxaron! I swear to god, this is going to become a meme between us or something! Its not bad that I missed him, but I've managed to miss him all 4 years I've been at the con. At this rate, we'll meet 20 years later or something for the first time!
Gelus: Little else to say here besides thanks for letting me latch onto you most of the con. When I couldn't find anyone, you always let me fall back on hanging around you and wherever you were, which was really enjoyable. Plus I got to meet older folk, which is always cool.
Final Thoughts:
For those who I didn't mention, I didn't forget you -- Pretty much -everyone- at the Vulpine Hallow that was there, and several other more that were around, thank you. Apologies though to
draco18s for missing you this year and not getting to try out Velociraptor! Cannibalism! I'll just have to buy a copy for myself one day, then!
As for going to AC next year... I dunno. I can't seem to just enjoy doing the things I want to enjoy (playing my games, being a silly silly dragon, and snuggle up to people) as they never all mesh together at once. Rarely they do, at least. Its also very stressful taking a plane. I have a natural fear of them, despite knowing how safe they are. I go there to hang out with folk, but I never get the feeling that folk go to hang out with me -- It doesn't help that I'm particularly adverse to alcohol and smoking (which there's a -lot- of alcohol, and some smoke!). So I suppose, until I find particular people that want to hang with me instead of the other way around, I see little reason to go anymore. If I go next year, then it'll be with a new group of people, and a new (for better or worse) experience.
Thanks for reading! Hope whoever else went to AC had a good time!
The Good:
Logistics: Thankfully, rooms went by relatively well -- We did get split rooms in the end, but it seemed that it really did work out for everyone -- Everyone also already knew who they were rooming with, so the situation got covered almost immediately. People seemed to be able to get where they were, and I never had too much of a crowd problem for elevators this year either.
Food: So that Gyro place across the street? New favorite place. Also Hanlon's Cafe. Best, Fries, Ever. And the Vore Dinner. Great stuff.
Folk: The people this time was relatively great -- Last year was spent hanging out with the dragon crowd, and I never felt like I fit, and couldn't seem to really relax around them. This year, I was at least able to kinda relax at times (well, relax in terms of just being myself completely and totally). It was still a bit hectic though.
The Bad:
Games: Bringing the 360 wasn't the best idea. While it helped me tremendously in terms of being alone at times and just not feeling up for hanging out with people, bringing the games -I- played and enjoyed made me realize just how little others care about that. I did try a couple times to entice folk to play the games I play, but with 0 success for the most part. Next year if I go, I will have to debate bringing the 360 again.
Drifting: Some groups went by so fast that I didn't even realize they left -- And several times during the con people wouldn't bother to let me know they were moving, so before long, I'd end up alone wondering where folk went. Its interesting how I can get lost despite being near a crowd of folk, and sometimes I'm left to wonder if sometimes they intend to lose me. Regardless, I spend less time drifting this year than last year, but its still a problem. Rarely do I feel like I truly 'stick' to a group because no one really wants me to stick around.
The Special:
Pengo: In particular, Pengo really made my con. Thank you,
pengothylacine for really going out of your way to constantly find me. I don't have many words, but you'll -feel- the effects during this year, believe me!Pyxaron: Another year, another missed opportunity to meet
Pyxaron! I swear to god, this is going to become a meme between us or something! Its not bad that I missed him, but I've managed to miss him all 4 years I've been at the con. At this rate, we'll meet 20 years later or something for the first time!Gelus: Little else to say here besides thanks for letting me latch onto you most of the con. When I couldn't find anyone, you always let me fall back on hanging around you and wherever you were, which was really enjoyable. Plus I got to meet older folk, which is always cool.
Final Thoughts:
For those who I didn't mention, I didn't forget you -- Pretty much -everyone- at the Vulpine Hallow that was there, and several other more that were around, thank you. Apologies though to
draco18s for missing you this year and not getting to try out Velociraptor! Cannibalism! I'll just have to buy a copy for myself one day, then!As for going to AC next year... I dunno. I can't seem to just enjoy doing the things I want to enjoy (playing my games, being a silly silly dragon, and snuggle up to people) as they never all mesh together at once. Rarely they do, at least. Its also very stressful taking a plane. I have a natural fear of them, despite knowing how safe they are. I go there to hang out with folk, but I never get the feeling that folk go to hang out with me -- It doesn't help that I'm particularly adverse to alcohol and smoking (which there's a -lot- of alcohol, and some smoke!). So I suppose, until I find particular people that want to hang with me instead of the other way around, I see little reason to go anymore. If I go next year, then it'll be with a new group of people, and a new (for better or worse) experience.
Thanks for reading! Hope whoever else went to AC had a good time!
AC
Posted 13 years agoJust getting this out here -- I'll be at AC this Thursday. Who's going? And more importantly, who wants to hang out? A bit last minute, I know, but... yeah, next time if I go, I'll mention this a bit earlier.
Happy Birthday to me~
Posted 14 years agoAnd now I turn 24. Last year was probably one of the most quiet years I've had, truth be told! I accomplished pretty much nothing, and got very little done. This year I intend to get somewhere though, with several year-long goals lining up.
But for now, celebration!
But for now, celebration!
Upcoming AC
Posted 14 years agoJust getting the word out that AC plans have been a go for a while, but I need to remember who I'm supposed to hang out with. I'm terrible at remembering things, so please drop a note here or through IMs so I can write it down finally and get really prepped for the event!
Basic Pimping Out
Posted 14 years agohttp://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2390179/
For those who are interested in getting a commission from an artist, Azzy has opened 2$ sketches for single characters! Check him out, he's pretty cool.
For those who are interested in getting a commission from an artist, Azzy has opened 2$ sketches for single characters! Check him out, he's pretty cool.
An odd turn of events
Posted 14 years agoJust gonna keep this short and sweet, actually.
Me and
sbw-tusachi are effectively mated. Even I admit I'm surprised, but I am more than happy to test the waters and see where this leads! So far, its been -quite- positive.
Many thanks to
shadowkeeper for originally introducing us, again!
Me and
sbw-tusachi are effectively mated. Even I admit I'm surprised, but I am more than happy to test the waters and see where this leads! So far, its been -quite- positive.Many thanks to
shadowkeeper for originally introducing us, again!The Situation
Posted 14 years agoFirst off, merry Christmas folks, if a day late at least. Hope your holidays are going well.
For the quick version, I lost a friendship valuable to me because of me. Yes, I'm still shaken and spazzed. I need to change so it doesn't happen again. I'm sorry if it doesn't seem like much.
For the long version...
I recently just lost a friendship that I considered rather dear to me -- It wasn't a long one, and it was also an online one, but most importantly, it was one that I felt I could trust. In it all, I feel worst not about having lost the friendship -- That hurts enough. Rather, I feel worst about -how- I lost the friendship, and it makes me think about myself quite heavily.
Now, the person in question was a good person, and I enjoyed my time with them greatly. But they had recently gotten distant on me, so I, like my usual self, had decided to start poking and prodding this friend. I wanted to confront this person as to why they had gotten distant, and the kind of distant where replies are brief, and conversation is killed as fast as possible. The one where you feel like you're being avoided. It turns out that I was indeed being avoided, but then this friend pointed the reasons: I was being a total faggot and a douche to them. I felt taken aback at first, because I don't ever remember being cruel to this friend -- Friends are very valuable to me (and the number of friends I could trust I can only count on one hand). Then this person dug right through some logs to a recent conversation we had, and to my horror, it turns out I -was- being quite the horrible douche to this person. It was one of those significant conversations where paragraphs are being typed out, and I was just being terrible. This goes longer, too, with me leading them along, and just being manipulative over the course of at least a month if not more.
So hindsight makes everything easy to see, and I felt utterly embarrassed. This person was horribly upset with me because not only did I act like a douche to them, I even thought I wasn't at first. Then I really did the dumbest thing, and said something along the lines of "the only thing I can think of doing as a friend right now is parting ways". Really dumb words for a really bad situation. So, the person agreed with a very brief message, knocked me off their contact list, and blocked all forms of communication with me within 5 minutes.
So two things that really hurt me in a very social or mental sense, is losing a friendship in general (its kinda dull now, but there's still an ugly burn inside), and being powerless to change any factor for the better. This is probably why I always approach others so much, simply because I know I have the power to do something about it, in a positive way. But I've never lost a friendship so -directly-. I've been blocked before, but they were from very fickle people that I was not happy hanging with anyhow. But being shut out by someone whom I honestly had a lot of trust in -- even respect. And then throw on the fact that I can't even make steps to regain the lost trust between us...
To put it simply, its like I stabbed myself in the chest with a rusty knife, and I didn't even realize I was doing it.
I know it sounds like so little to freak out about, but everything is relative -- Its never happened to me, and its still something I'm mentally shaken up about. I'm trembling and feeling embarrassed even typing this out. I don't -want- to go back on my IMs, for fear of another direct loss. After feeling this, I'd feel better if more of my friendships just... dissolved. (That's not to say it hasn't happened before already.) But I know I have to get back on, because running away from the problems doesn't help.
There has been one benefit to this whole ordeal -- I've grabbed C# and I've started tinkering with programming again. Nothing significant, but at least I'm slowly blowing off the rust of my skills. This is probably the main reason at this point why I want to stay off my IMs, but fear is definitely a close second. I don't know when I'll get back on.
So, sorry if the original question seemed so sudden. Sorry for having to deal with me so much. Sorry for my lack of awareness and the fact that I have annoyed plenty of people through my own actions. I need to change for the better, and I don't want to go through that again. Especially when the entire fault -is- me.
If that person is reading this journal (I still have -some- hope), I didn't mean it that way. I meant to say "part ways until I can learn to be better, so you don't have to put up with such crap I give you". I didn't want our friendship removed, and I'm sorry again for acting so terrible to you.
For the quick version, I lost a friendship valuable to me because of me. Yes, I'm still shaken and spazzed. I need to change so it doesn't happen again. I'm sorry if it doesn't seem like much.
For the long version...
I recently just lost a friendship that I considered rather dear to me -- It wasn't a long one, and it was also an online one, but most importantly, it was one that I felt I could trust. In it all, I feel worst not about having lost the friendship -- That hurts enough. Rather, I feel worst about -how- I lost the friendship, and it makes me think about myself quite heavily.
Now, the person in question was a good person, and I enjoyed my time with them greatly. But they had recently gotten distant on me, so I, like my usual self, had decided to start poking and prodding this friend. I wanted to confront this person as to why they had gotten distant, and the kind of distant where replies are brief, and conversation is killed as fast as possible. The one where you feel like you're being avoided. It turns out that I was indeed being avoided, but then this friend pointed the reasons: I was being a total faggot and a douche to them. I felt taken aback at first, because I don't ever remember being cruel to this friend -- Friends are very valuable to me (and the number of friends I could trust I can only count on one hand). Then this person dug right through some logs to a recent conversation we had, and to my horror, it turns out I -was- being quite the horrible douche to this person. It was one of those significant conversations where paragraphs are being typed out, and I was just being terrible. This goes longer, too, with me leading them along, and just being manipulative over the course of at least a month if not more.
So hindsight makes everything easy to see, and I felt utterly embarrassed. This person was horribly upset with me because not only did I act like a douche to them, I even thought I wasn't at first. Then I really did the dumbest thing, and said something along the lines of "the only thing I can think of doing as a friend right now is parting ways". Really dumb words for a really bad situation. So, the person agreed with a very brief message, knocked me off their contact list, and blocked all forms of communication with me within 5 minutes.
So two things that really hurt me in a very social or mental sense, is losing a friendship in general (its kinda dull now, but there's still an ugly burn inside), and being powerless to change any factor for the better. This is probably why I always approach others so much, simply because I know I have the power to do something about it, in a positive way. But I've never lost a friendship so -directly-. I've been blocked before, but they were from very fickle people that I was not happy hanging with anyhow. But being shut out by someone whom I honestly had a lot of trust in -- even respect. And then throw on the fact that I can't even make steps to regain the lost trust between us...
To put it simply, its like I stabbed myself in the chest with a rusty knife, and I didn't even realize I was doing it.
I know it sounds like so little to freak out about, but everything is relative -- Its never happened to me, and its still something I'm mentally shaken up about. I'm trembling and feeling embarrassed even typing this out. I don't -want- to go back on my IMs, for fear of another direct loss. After feeling this, I'd feel better if more of my friendships just... dissolved. (That's not to say it hasn't happened before already.) But I know I have to get back on, because running away from the problems doesn't help.
There has been one benefit to this whole ordeal -- I've grabbed C# and I've started tinkering with programming again. Nothing significant, but at least I'm slowly blowing off the rust of my skills. This is probably the main reason at this point why I want to stay off my IMs, but fear is definitely a close second. I don't know when I'll get back on.
So, sorry if the original question seemed so sudden. Sorry for having to deal with me so much. Sorry for my lack of awareness and the fact that I have annoyed plenty of people through my own actions. I need to change for the better, and I don't want to go through that again. Especially when the entire fault -is- me.
If that person is reading this journal (I still have -some- hope), I didn't mean it that way. I meant to say "part ways until I can learn to be better, so you don't have to put up with such crap I give you". I didn't want our friendship removed, and I'm sorry again for acting so terrible to you.
Friends, Answer me this question.
Posted 14 years agoWhat have my actions told you about me?
This isn't a soapbox or a rant, but I need to know. Please, no sympathy posts, I need serious answers. And the last thing I need to hear is "don't worry about it, just be yourself".
Please, please, please answer this.
Edit: I need to know how I've been to you guys - How I am perceived. I want to know if what I say matches what I do, and if not, what I've done that's wrong. I want to know if I've led people on, or if I've used people, or at least, made them feel that way. I want to know what I could have done to change this, but perhaps more so, what I could do to change myself in the future.
Edit: Also, I'm going to be off my IMs and such for the week.
This isn't a soapbox or a rant, but I need to know. Please, no sympathy posts, I need serious answers. And the last thing I need to hear is "don't worry about it, just be yourself".
Please, please, please answer this.
Edit: I need to know how I've been to you guys - How I am perceived. I want to know if what I say matches what I do, and if not, what I've done that's wrong. I want to know if I've led people on, or if I've used people, or at least, made them feel that way. I want to know what I could have done to change this, but perhaps more so, what I could do to change myself in the future.
Edit: Also, I'm going to be off my IMs and such for the week.
A couple things
Posted 15 years ago1.) I'm thinking about redesigning Kealldin. Any comments on that? Seriously, its only really short because its quite a simple question to ask!
2.) I think I might have found out exactly what it is I'm lacking in my life -- Not someone to love (though that is still quite a heavy void!). It kinda struck me square in the face when I slipped onto The Black Labyrinth to lurk about again (I'm not comfortable enough to participate).
I need a place to call home!
Well, not a place, per se, but rather, a furry place to actually spend time at. I've always been a drifter when it came to furry places, and I've never stuck around long at one place, so things just aren't very familiar to me, and I never really become 'one of the regulars'. Just another random person who is unknown and unrecognized. I've got my own community I spend time at, but no actual spot to be... well, uh, furry, I guess. *Shrug*
I need to find a place to really settle into and make friends... or make a chatroom for myself for all my friends to join! ...But, really, then the other question arises of -if- anyone would join my chatroom... yeah, better to just settle somewhere else!
So yeah... I am extremely shy in a group setting online. So that means now I need to actually break out and say hi...
3.) I need to learn when I've managed to offend people -- I feel some friends I've alienated pretty hardcore, and I can't figure out what I did. It becomes intimidating to even approach them afterwards, and it kinda hurts.
4.) ...I should really draw more. ...Too many games I'm enjoying recently.
2.) I think I might have found out exactly what it is I'm lacking in my life -- Not someone to love (though that is still quite a heavy void!). It kinda struck me square in the face when I slipped onto The Black Labyrinth to lurk about again (I'm not comfortable enough to participate).
I need a place to call home!
Well, not a place, per se, but rather, a furry place to actually spend time at. I've always been a drifter when it came to furry places, and I've never stuck around long at one place, so things just aren't very familiar to me, and I never really become 'one of the regulars'. Just another random person who is unknown and unrecognized. I've got my own community I spend time at, but no actual spot to be... well, uh, furry, I guess. *Shrug*
I need to find a place to really settle into and make friends... or make a chatroom for myself for all my friends to join! ...But, really, then the other question arises of -if- anyone would join my chatroom... yeah, better to just settle somewhere else!
So yeah... I am extremely shy in a group setting online. So that means now I need to actually break out and say hi...
3.) I need to learn when I've managed to offend people -- I feel some friends I've alienated pretty hardcore, and I can't figure out what I did. It becomes intimidating to even approach them afterwards, and it kinda hurts.
4.) ...I should really draw more. ...Too many games I'm enjoying recently.
Hey guys!
Posted 15 years ago...Its my birthday today. =3
o/` Happy birthday to me~ o/`
o/` Happy birthday to me~ o/`
