Hey,

so I'm back... I wasn't sure if I was going to be for a while. I've been in a really bad place for a long time now. And as it happens, I thought that my FA profile was something that was adding to that... But it was also because I get selfdestructive and it was a means of getting rid of something that never seemed to bring me much joy due to my own hang ups.

I know I often go on about how miserable I am. But just recently its been gotten pretty bad. It's effecting me in the work place now and I'm sort of in a corner at the moment. I've always been able to get through on my own, pushing on regardless, stubbornly refusing to get outside help. But I need to stop that... Hopefully I can. I guess with enough people telling me now, something is bound to get through.

I'll be okay thougth. I always am.

Sorry if I upset anyone by suddenly leaving and thank you for any and all support.

Hey, I’ve been away for a while and I don’t know for how consistently I’ll be able to stick around either. Here’s a bit on why:

I have developed Repetitive strain injury in my drawing arm. It's gotten quite bad and I have to leave week long brakes in between drawing sessions, due to how much pain it causes me... I need to take myself to a doctor... I've just not got around to it. I was stressing about getting my self ready for doing a Masters in september but it looks like I wont be able to afford that now too... so like my plans have all gone to shit and I can no longer really do the thing I love doing due to my shitty weak mortal body. I am in a deeply unhappy place at the moment. I can't really understate it. I wish life would go away.

I made this drawing to kind of illustrate my sorrows http://www.furaffinity.net/view/27890515/

Thank you for reading,
Watching, faving and all the awesome things you do.

Opening up 10 slots, first come first serve. £1 for a sketch. I shall get them done over the next couple of weeks. These can be tfs or characters... won’t be drawing hyper stuff(giant sexy bits, fat fur, muscle fur) or any diaper stuffs. Most other things are fine but I will let you know otherwise. Just for clarification I’m still happy to draw fat or muscled characters- just to ‘normal’ proportion. My sketch work looks Like this http://www.furaffinity.net/view/25338313/
So yeah, let me know :)

1.dractaco
2.Agentcypher
3.Agentcypher
4.razin
5.daze-snow-leopard
6.drivergamer127
7.zilepo
8.zilepo
9.zilepo
10.zilepo

*thanks guys! If you want to pm me with details and references. Once the sketch is done, I’ll send you a pm
With the file and request payment to my pay pal. :)

If you missed out, don’t worry if these go well I’ll do another batch after this one. So keep an eye out. If In the time it took me
To update this and you were requesting one send me a pm and let me know!

I don’t really update these things often enough, mostly because I argue with myself as to the point and significance of them. But jeez what sort of meat sack would I be if I didn’t dabble in exercises of superfluous futility. Today I am tired. On a level of fed up that prematurely plateaued and sits on a heart monitor flat line of monotonous indifference. I’m neither here or there. If there were maps to be charted of it, I’d wonder what shape the landscape would take, a sinking island perhaps? And I’d further wonder, that for every sinking island, would their be another rising up from the primordial, volcanic froth to replace it? Somewhere within the slow chaos of the world, an unapparent rythm can be discovered, one that is championed by the fact that no one cares. And all this profound wisdom afords me nothing more than a predictably, archetypal amount of misery. Woe is me. I’m not special, I’m not significant and I’m not important. I don’t think I could handle it if I were.

So I’ve been progressively gaining weight, my art still hasn’t gotten any better, because my art is fine. I’m the one with the problem. Non-committal, lazy sod, that’s me. I know all the answers but won’t take the steps to the soloutions. All in all I’ve been a pretty worthless meat sack so far. Who knows perhaps there is a spaghetti-junction off-shoot that will finally inspire me to abandon my lackadaisically, lethargic inclinations. Let’s keep hoping eh?

The self reflective person that I am... I think back to a few years ago to when I started making art for this site. And I do mean it in that sense, the artwork I make goes strictly to this site. As the nature of the work fits the sites m.o. Thats fine, good sound logic. When I first made a profile on here I was strictly a watcher, i’d even made myself promise that I would never make art to put onto this site. Eventually I’d caved- I wanted to see more charr tf and it may have been at a point where I wasn’t getting anything out of the content that other artists had made available at the time. Perhaps it just was not to my taste or i’d Exhausted myself by looking too frequently to find the new thing to get me horny. So I said fuck it, I want a charr tf. And so it started. I’m the kind of person who, if I can do it once why the hell should I not do it again if I can. I’m awfully self indulgent in that respect. This was also during a time where I was getting fed up and feeling miserable about my inadequacy and invisibility on deviantart. I had left that site because despite all the hard work I would put in to work I cared about, nobody else cared... Moving to fa, I had kind of the opposite, people were actually liking my stuff, commenting on my work, watching me. Which for an insicure anxious person who flutters between not wanting approval and craving it... caving in and making smut, well it fed that craving. So I went on and continued to produce work, making friends and building up a humble following. (Thank you to all my watchers, commenters, favs) it all sounds grand right? Well I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but it’s not... because a lot of the time now I find it is the work that I don’t really care about, that’s thing everyone loves. The stuff that I love, has no place here. It would on da but then I’d go back to being invisible. And as much as I’m told to the contrary by others, I don’t really fit in here. My art may suggest otherwise... but I don’t really affiliate myself as apart of the fa community. But then I don’t feel like I am meant to. I don’t like to identify myself under a title or layble. I’m just some guy who gets off to kinky furry art and draws it...

So I don’t know what this means... nothings changed I’m still going to make art- hell I still need to get on with a certain comic. But yeah just some late night thoughts. Sorry if I’ve upset you or anything and thank you for reading.

So October was quite eventful for me. Turning 25 only seemed to reaffirm that bells and whistles are reserved for the little ones. But that doesn’t bother me so much. I already struggle daily to keep up my account of life affirming shit. Which funnily I can’t think of another way to say that. But yeah, why should my birthday be any different. So yeah, it was meh but we move on.

I need to update my profile information at some point according to that I am still 23 which is such and ugly number.
I went to go watch a foot ball match at a stadium yesterday, that was fun. The home team played a schokingly bad game... but don’t ask me what was going on. I have about 25% of a clue after an education of fifa from hanging out with room mates at uni. It’s taken me this long to remember how ‘offside’ works xD
It was fun to listen to people shout at the ref though. People are awful!

And cross your fingers but in terms of overall mood I’ve been okay for a small while now. I’m not crying every other night for no reason and wanting to find and immediate soloution for it. Hopefully I can keep it up!

Thanks for reading peeps!

So it will be a little over a month now and I shall be 25. Birthdays aren't usually something I make a big thing off. But for some reason it feels like I should consider this as some sort of mile stone. One might even hope to say it could be an avenue of change. But, that's being super hopeful.

I've recently recovered from some rsi, something I thought I would never get... But then I over did it, straining my wrists at work with some heavy lifting and then 8 hours of drawing up concept art. Not a smart move I guess. It has gotten better since, though now I'm constantly feeling a little weary of it. It did not stop me from drawing but for nearly 3 weeks doing anything with my wrist sucked.

I'm still working on reality check for those that follow me and have been waiting as they have for it, it's still on its way. If I wasn't someone who wanted to make sure a thing was finished before posting you'd have 12 pages of it by now. I still need to go back and correct some of the text from earlier issues. As now I have established a timeline for the story to take place in certain things that are said make no sense.

But yeah :3 the new gw2 content will be out soon and I can't wait to play it. Just have to not be working most of the weekend xD; anyway thank you for reading. I'll let you know if I have anymore existential thoughts before the big day haha.

Yup that's right, in exactly two months I shall be celebrating my 25th year marker. The only I shall turn the same age as the day the event corresponds to. As I am trying to make a habit of somewhat 'obligatory' regular journals... trying to. I thought I would get the birthday one done early and out of the way. I may try find a birthday journal meme thing and fill it out. So it has been a long time prediction of mine that this will be the year of my life that I seriously take up smoking. Presently I will smoke when I fancy it. So maybe... once every two months or something. It's not often. Why have I predicted this? I don't know the thought just came to me one day when I was maybe 10 years old? And I e just stuck to my guns with it. Another prediction was that I would die when I'm 50. I still see no reason why not, half way there.

Had a grate time away in Italy, I was well looked after. I miss it terribly. Oh yeah, I'm still active. I just realised I've not put up a lot of art recently. I'm working on lots of things. Presently some telegram stickers- which take too long to make.

Feeling very Down and lonely just recently... been having horrible nightmares too.

But yes, I may add more to this later.

So in actuality this is just a journal to pass some time because I should be asleep right now... I tried sleeping at 23:30 I think I managed about 45 mins before I woke up again. Now I guess because I'm in a hotel, might be one of the reasons. It is usually a given, that I will not sleep well in a hotel. In so many hours I'll be on a plane making my way to Italy for a small holiday. My anxiety over waking up on time is also a factor I guess I should consider. I've been reading the book in brought with me I'm about 100 pages in and it's quite fun I'd recommend it, it's called 'The Evenings'by Gerard Reve. Anyway it's made me feel sleepy but I will want to be up in two hours to make sure I am ready. The book was written in 1947 and was only translated into English last year which is something I love. The translator loved the story so much that he wanted to share it with us... well I'm a romantic. I am a mixed bag of emotions right now, excited, tired, nervous. I'm filled with self doubt as with everything I do before I do it. I know I'm going to have a wonderful time but my mind will constantly argue against it, for no real reason I would suppose other than my brain likes me to be miserable. Much is the way I am feeling with my art. I've once gone a whole year without ever having made a single piece of art and I was absaloutly fine with it. Which is the trouble for me I'm too blazé, too nonchalant about the things I do care about. I always want to be better at art and when I look a certain peoples work instead of taking away ideas on how I could get better I ask, why am I not as good, what have I been doing wrong, how have I been doing this for as long as I have and still not be on the right path to creating something I can be proud of? It may just be that my attitude stinks and I probably should have done art at uni instead of photography art. But yeah... I'll keep at it even though I think I'm stagnating, you don't get any better without moving forward right?

So I've found my self in the rare position of having to wait for laundry at 3 am or I won't have clothes for work. Something that used to be more of a thing for me. I like doing laundry at night. It just feels correct, in my mind anyway. As the title of the journal suggests, I did indeed just witness a beetle jaunt its way about a floor tile. It was loud too which I find to be inconsiderate. At least I think it's a beetle. Now my cat is crying to get into the house... but my Considerably Unapologetic, Neanderthal, Tosspot of a step dad intentioanally took the backdoor keys with him on a ten day trip away with my mother. Just because my sister and I forgot to lock the door a couple of nights before they left. Even though they could have done it themselves... and we live in the middle of nowhere, in a part of the country where it is still common practice-ish to leave your doors unlocked. Life can be so wonderfully frustrating sometimes.

I guess this was supposed to be an update journal. I've not been very active recently. My job is destroying me. I nearly quit but I was convinced by others that that was a bad idea... so I still have my job but I should be getting reduced hours which might help to ease my suicidal tendencies... now the cat wants to go back out... fuck you cat.
For a while in my journals I'd been making a sort of weight log- well for those that are still interested, I've been getting fatter... a result of my job destroying me. Before I started work I was going on daily runs, since then, I'm now the biggest I think I've ever been. So I feel I should apologise to those in the past that have made recommendations to me about what I should change in my life style to start seeing a change, it wasn't for naught. I don't really want to be fat if I'm honest. And it's not because of how it looks, but I want to feel comfortable in clothes and not have to worry about embarrassing body problems that come as a result of being over weight. But yeah the idea of being healthy just keeps getting further away.

I've been trying to dye my hair grey xD and once I finally get to an end goal with that I might finally share my image with you guys.
I guess I haven't much more to say really, plus the laundry is done... I may edit and add to this later. Over and out!

I like to be honest, which is why I've not bothered trying to replace my last journal or to delete it. I'm not all about wearing my heart on my sleeve but rather, like the Yates poem, I lay it before you... tread carefully. Perhaps that is needlessly profound but I thank every one who commented and has since helped me through. I'm honestly a very lucky guy. For a long while now I've been managing okay. But just recently I've finished a book, a very good book. Well I enjoyed it but it, like so many others has thrown me in to a state of existential depression. And I don't mean that in the vague popculture sense. No matter how many times I can come to terms with the expression 'we owe ourselves to death' in a single moment my resolve is taken out from under me and I just want to collapse into another's arms and weep. I'm miss quoting now but in effect 'the respect that makes calamity of so long life' whilst Hamlet's key focus is the notion of life after death, I feel it is more prudent to acknowledge that the quest for meaning within said longevity is wholly more horrific. For the dreams that must give us pause, are still dreams. Every second of breath that condenses into the ethereal atmosphere of meaning, is pain. Indeed, a solitary, harrowing pain. Hamlet was unlucky, he had the church to contend with. I am luckily unfortunate, I am afforded the freedom of cynicism.
A good book leaves me feeling hollow, out of place. It was almost if I'm not here at all. A lightness of being if you will. You'd think that such a thing would be liberating. But in this you must understand that each moment dies upon its occurrence. Your heart cowers in your chest, your brain debates: laybels give them to me, let me affiliate meaning. But none will come because laybles are applied to you by others. Even if you did give it to your self, some one else must see it to validate it. The brain screams 'how do I fit!' It doesn't matter. If I'd never read the book, none of this would have happened. But now that it has I can't escape it. I'm afraid, afraid that in the end, I will die a rabbit or burnt to ash. And the words written on my grave will be those of another. I'm afraid that I will never have meant anything at all. There is more I could say about the nausea but I'll let you get back to your shadows and the like. Sorry that last bit was a little bit pretentious.

If you got though that , thank you for reading.

So it's a sad start to new year for me. I'm really struggling. I feel like once I finish all the drawings I owe or have said I would do, that's it no more drawing and likly no more living. It's been a slow battle and one that I've consistently been losing. On some level I feel it is enviable now. Eventually it seems that I will die and my older sibling will have been correct. I would end my own life- one hell of a family I've had to put up with... on a level I am still convinced I never could but then at the same time every day my inner monolouge yells at me to do something, grab a knife, over dose, drown... that voice gets louder and the idea of it becoming easier to face. In the end. I will likly continue as I always have and this is just another in a series of bad moments in my life. In which case I apologise for premitivly worrying you. But for me right now in this very moment, this feeling is real... I find that my continued existence is a painful, tidius, insignificant waste.... I'm sorry, I'll be okay. I'll let you know when I stop imploding.

I've been maeaning to write a journal and update the information on my page for a long time... but I haven't had much motivation to do so of late. I'm not a big journal writer, as it stands, I have this crushing feeling that I am insignificant. This leads me to think that anything that I do is pointless, people won't care. But aside from my neurotic anxiety and such. I do feel that an update is long over due.

In terms of art, I'm working on a comic commission and also trying to filter in some personal wrok. So the comic and a Turin tf are on their way, at some point. I'm finding it difficult at the moment to get work done, simply because it's Christmas and work combined with my family life... it is time consuming to say the least. If you have been following my sporadic journals you will already know just how draining I find getting to and from work and just how little a time I have to myself before I have to go back.

I had at one point gone on a health kick... which has failed. Work keeps me good and oppressed in this instance. I enjoy my job but because of it I'm actually putting on weight because I can't find a happy medium with my food. And I always feel too tired to maintain regular exercise... this topped off by my depression my motivation to stick to things is limited at best.

With my depression in mind, I'm having the regular good and bad days and to those that I do confide in, thank you. I know I thank you and apologise more than is necessary. But I'm grateful to you, you do a lot for me even if it doesn't feel like it.

I would like to thank all my new watchers for giving me their time and a space in their watched list. And thank you to everyone who has favourited my works- you are all very awesome!

That's all I can think of for now, thanks for reading :)

Yup I have another year under the imaginary belt that we seem to put things under. In my long list of years... I must say this hasn't been my best. It has been my most productive in terms of content creation for this site. I've taken plenty of commissions and gotten to make some amazing friends. (I will be sending a note to my latest commission soon- if you read this you know who you are, so you should get that in the next day or so.) I got a job and have been progressing in it... I'm very lucky and I have a lot going for me... something I need to keep reminding myself as I often find myself in a bit of a state. Having the job has slown down the productivity but I guess that's the way of things.

I don't feel I've improved all that much in the year interns of my artistic ability... the work that I post vaires in quality quite a bit anyway so I guess it makes it harder to see... I do want to get better- have it look better but that will come to me I guess. I dunno what do you think?

If I make it to 25 then I shall throw a hobbit party and do some free sketches for everyone! I'm serious hold me to it.

I guess I just want to say thank you everyone one, friends, watchers, commenters and favouriters all. I'm grateful for all that you've done and continue to do for me.... I suck at journals haha XD;

As I am absolutely pants at journals… you will just have to hang in there with me. I don’t I had an idea of what I wanted to say but that has faded…. I guess a while ago I said that I had started going on runs which, for a time, had been something I was able to keep up. Then I got my job and now I find I am too exhausted to after work. So I guess I have really let myself down there, I’m also gaining weight. This isn’t intentional, in actual fact I desired quite opposite to happen. But alas, I am far too self-indulgent and likely eat my weight in bread each week. As well as, all the other bad stuff I take in. I drink too many carbonated drinks and well my diet sucks. I guess I haven’t really tried to kick anything or change it. I like food that is bad for me. I used to be very insecure about my weight. I was bullied a lot… seems to be something of a stereotype for kids that get over weight at some point during their schooling- my older brother being a key contributor haha. Nowadays, I don’t really care… I just don’t want to die from some dumb thing due to being overweight when I’m like 65. My Dad died when he was only 55 (56?)… Sure being overweight didn’t kill him but it did lead to a lot of the health problems he suffered. But yes… basically, my endeavour to lose weight isn’t fuelled by a superficial pursuit of imposed aesthetic. I just think it would annoy to know that I was dying because of something I could have prevented when I was 23. Though, I have always maintained that I would be quite happy to die when I was 50. I think that 50 years is more than enough time and anything extra is a bonus… but I’ve thought that since I was around 8 years old… so I don’t know… My anxiety tells me that people might think negatively upon that point. ‘That I should be so privileged, that such apathy towards my continued existence is misguided and selfish.’ I should be ‘grateful’. I am, honestly… I just think 50 is a good time to go. Before your body decides it’s time to start killing you slowly anyway. So to a degree… being overweight upsets me because I don’t have to be. And I personally dislike how my flab looks on me.

I’m not exactly sure what my solution apart from to just shut up and do something about it… so yeah. I guess I will let you know how that goes.

Haha I really didn’t plan for that to be a thing but there you have it. I do have a question. Would anyone be interested in reading my writing? I presently have two story projects on the go. One has fallen by the way side and the other I am taking my time with. They aren’t anything FA related… like we all know why you’re here ;). They are projects that to a level I am trying to consider as something I would really quite seriously like to get published one day. So yeah drop a comment or a pm letting me know what you think about that. I’m not expecting anything but it could be a cool thing to do.

I’ve been listening to Bastille’s new album ‘Wild World’. Honestly at first I was like ‘NO what have they done, where is the deep meaningful music that connects to me on a deep personal level.’ I just had to realise that things don’t have to sound ‘deep’ to be ‘deep’. And it has taken me a little while to get used to it but I love their new sound and the songs touch a deep personal level and once again Bastille have produced something that I love and will cherish… I am bit funny with music, I will usually love anything given some time sat listening to it. I honestly think that’s what it takes. Sure you can know quite quickly if a band isn’t for you. I am very guilty of missing out on stuff simply because there isn’t a song that grabs me. But if you take an album and just really listen to it a few times, you let it grow on you. You start to find those little bits that you love and the messages that hold true. I find that there is an uplifting sadness to ‘Wild World’. It is a world apart from their first album… but that’s a good thing because I don’t think I would be happy with the same thing again. As I hold the first in such high standing; if ‘Wild World’ was just a clone then it would not only have been a lesser experience, it might have tarnished the first.

BUT woah that is the most opinion I have ever had publically about anything, so please forgive me I shall go back to drawing pictures of a lewd nature and what not.
Thank you for reading and if got through all of that you are awesome! Have a hug *hug*!

Okay this is going to seem strange but I hardly ever make journals so I thought I should just say it here and now that my birthday is on the 25th of October. Seen a few birthdays pop up recently and I missed them like an oaf. So I aplolgose to those of you and wish you a happy birthday. But it got me think about and like woah another year has almost been and gone for me.

I got a promotion at my job, I basically have one other side job along with current and more responsibility- potentially less time to myself as I will have more hours... I'm not sure how I feel about it yet... I keep having bad days at work that nearly destroy me. I nearly fucked up big time today and every time I do my self worth which is t super high anyway plummets. I wish was in a better position to explain my state of being. Maybe for the most part, I'm okay, on the surface. But that surface level brakes and the flood of whatever it is hold back, my misery, my contempt for the way the world turns and sad truth of all things equal zero. Now I'm being profound but, anyway. I despair and see just how easy it could be to stop it all. I think for too long for certain people in my life, I've had to be the beacon of 'okay' and as a result I don't like to burden people with my grievances if I can help it. I don't like to be in the way.

I really don't know why I'm up I think I woke up and forgot in was writing this anyway guess I post another journal at some point.

I think I have more fun thinking about what I want to write as opposed to actually writing it. I guess at first I wanted to talk about my contented sigh. I'm not happy, just okay or vice versa.

A man just got on, sat across from me, wraith like but looking healthy enough. He's wearing shorts and I was immediately drawn to cuts on his lower legs- evenly spaced like that of an animal attack, however these were deep and too far away from any extreme in size. Perhaps it was not an animal then? Maybe a tackle gone wrong in the park, playing football. No sign of any mud though. Not even evidence of it being washed away. Then, going back to the animal attack. It is entirely possible that he suffers form some kind of dietary deficiency- which could be inferred by his skeletal figure. This causing him to be all the more worse off when his skin is broken, his wounds taking longer to heal and so looking slight more inflamed. There is another series of similar marks further up however, these are fainter and the outside cut streaches out further than the others.

He takes a moment to observe the cuts, feeling the texture of the coagulated scab. This might suggest that they are recent but not too much so, as stated before the skins inflammation is concentrated close to the cuts. That, or he's noticed my gaze and so become more conscious of himself and the cuts on his leg.

The woman across from him has taken off her shoe, her foot appears to have been wrapped in some kind of ankle support. Not much is to be gained from this. She is adorned in sports gear but this could be for various reasons that having nothing to do with her exercise rutieen. They could simply be for comfort as the lose elastic fit sit Nicly over her larger form. I would surmise that at some point she has twisted her anckle quite seriously either during work or in her leisure time. And that she places self comfort over social etiquette, having now removed her other shoe and resting both upon the seats in front of her. The smell isn't exactly pleasant and she is ignoring the 'no feet on the seats please' that blare out with their vibrant yellows and reds.

Another passenger looks over a small stuffed giraffe before placing it back into a bag. Maybe inspecting a gift, imagining the response of the recipient. Life often feels like this, it being more about how you depict it. So even if the thing gets a negative response, you will have lived in that simulation of happiness and pride for having done a good thing.

Outside, passing through the small village. A woman is pulled along by her daughter. She is caring flowers and wine. The gift of flowers is unique in its seemingly limited application. They usably have to meet some requirement before they become considered as an acceptable gift and stereotypically one for a woman. Had she received the flowers or were they a gift for another... Or has she just decided to buy some? The wine would suggest something closer to the former.

Another mother pulls her son along and he zips along in rollerblades as they giggle and laugh at what ever each had said to the other. Further on a young man stares greedily over the counter of the local chippy- possibly flirting with whom ever behind the counter.

The fellow who usually smells of rotten cabbage has just gotten off the bus. I would suppose much to the relief of those sitting near him up stairs. I wonder if he is simply used to the smell which, is why he always smells of it.

I guess my stop is coming up now and didn't actually say anything I wanted to. I just have so much time on the bus haha, I thought observing might make it pass faster.

It isn't something that like... 'Ruins' my day or anything but rather has got me quite curious. I guess on some level I think I'd like to know what people think of me and my art. I think I have just over 370 watchers which is amazing(thank you) and I don't know how good that is taking into account that I only started making art 2 years ago-ish. Like I said it isn't something that really bothers me too much but then when I see other artist styles and things... I feel like I am different. My art isn't pretty to look at. There's that and I feel like others artist get a lot more interaction with their audience. Is that because I come across as someone people would rather not, or is it more likely that I'm just expect too much in this regard and should be more foward, opening up to others off my own esteem. Again I am guessing two years isn't really a long time of activity and for the most part my artistic ability is most stagnant and lazy. And I'm not exactly sure what I'm expecting. So this really is a matter of curiosity... But is there anything more that I could be doing to like be more of a presence on here... Or am I already and just not have realised it xD;? Is the state of my art off putting at all?

I think I should start with a sigh. I had at some point in my mind decided that I was going to write something. This journal. I had decided this, but I refused to commit to it. This has kept me up all night. I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking. I know this might sound funny and I am not one to suffer delusions of grandure... But sometimes I tell myself that I am God. I don't suppose I mean anything by it, regardless, it is what I tell myself. It is a fallacy, of course. I am so immensely flawed that I could not possibly be anything more than what I am. I think it makes me feel better that things beyond my control can be flawed too. So I'm not the only thing. It was a line from the film fame. That ginger kid goes in for his entrance audition. He pulls up a chair and says "I am God." And I remember it fading to black, you don't see the rest of it. I am not sad, unhappy... I'm nothing, numb, the lack of something. I often describe it to others as a flat line on a heart rate monitor. A long flat beep.

Adventures are had. That is the past tense. You can only know an adventure after the fact... It is an adventure in its retelling. This upsets me. And it is why you feel empty after each one you have. Because for something to have been an adventure it will have had to of come to an end for it to be recounted. Which is why they say life is the greatest adventure, because it is the only one we cannot tell after it has ended. We have to hope that our stories pass on to those other story tellers. It is so big that everyone else has to tell it.

I'm supposed to be writing a book, I got to the 3rd chapter and stopped, having convinced myself it is no good. I want to write a book that could be published one day but I won't put in the work. I am a lazy coward. Constantly not wanting to fail my imagined expectation.

I don't think people understand what a horrible thing it is to understand the notion 'I think, therefore I am.' To be aware that you are conscious. To feel yourself breathing, the effort your body effortlessly puts into it. What use is the prsent and the future to me when all that is remembered is the past.

Ignore me though it is for the best.

Three days and already a new journal O: haha... Usually I let them fester for a while.... Err anyway.

I just wanted to like err remind everyone that I'm still open for commissions! Now that I have a job though I maybe working a bit slower but it should stay around normal speeds as I have plenty of days off in between as I'm only working 12 hours at the moment, much to the disappoint of my parents, of whom I am convinced will never be happy with anything I achieve. BUT once you commission me aside from work and demanding family, you are my top priority.

Everyone who's commissioned me before I had a job had to put up with the demanding family side of things and I could normally get something to you within at least 4/6 hours of having made the commission... XD I like getting it done as soon as possible, because I personally dislike waiting... So I don't like to make others wait heh xD;

LONG SHORT! I am open for commissions and stuff ^_^!

I think I have such a negative veiwe or rather a very cynical one about my assumed audience of my journals. But that's more of a self esteem thing. Like I assume that no one cares because why should they, what reason have I given anyone to make me deserving of your attention... I don't mean to be such a negative Nicholas... But yeah... Anyway!

I finally got a job in the real world which is grate because I'm selling cameras to people and I'm supposed to be a photographer so like things are finally starting to make some kind of rediculous cosmic sense. However this has meant that days in between work have made me rather unproductive... I just don't feel like doing anything :(, which in actuality is more likly a reflection of my mood. You see through my recent dealings with certain people I've managed to reopen the flood gates of my depression. Which for a while I'd been on top of. It's not been through the fault of said people but rather my own. I'm over it, like I've gotten past what I've done but the depression is still there like it always was... I just don't have means to hold back flood anymore. Which is hard because people at home can't understand why I'm so down all the time when I've finally got a job and I'm being more active. XD; I've always been a miserable git but just recently even more noticeably so. And I've had a lot of great people to talk to and have kept me company since, for which I am eternally grateful. You know who you are so go and give yourselves a big hug from me xD!

I've been learning it is the most bizarre things that can build you up and knock you down. A couple of years ago before the start of my third year at university I was just about ready to end my life... (I always find this kind of thing Hard to talk about because it sounds silly to me.) but I was in a bad way with not much support because I was isolating myself. But then my nan died and my brain just clicked into this mode where I was like this is it, stop being a dick about everything and live, get on with it and shut up. And for the most part, I would have my dips and stuff but I was okay, stable. Now I've regressed due to my own social ineptitude.

However, I have started work on the next Reality Check. I'm going to be drawing it all traditionally with pen and so far I'm really happy with the 5 pages I have done and I'm also excited about this issue because I am going to try and explain to the best of my ability how the portal tech works and the dangers of its use. And of course more tf haha!

But yes all in all things will just be happening slowly.

Thank you for reading.

So wiggly wurms touch down upon the surface of a spangled star. This did displease the Ziggles ever so much. So much so in fact, that they declared war on the Gorbes. A most violent battle ensued in which Ziggles and Gorbes viciously violated each other's personal space with such voracity that each sordid slap fight that took place left everyone in tears. The Ziggles and Gorbes cried and cried that the oceans of Ganthar erupted, bleeding into the galactic skylines. This displeased the Emperor of all spaces, as he was so thoroughly vexed but the petty squabbles of these lesser races that he condemnd them to exile. So now when you look into the deepest darkest reaches of sapce and you feel you checks burn, it is not due to the dark, drowsy night that surrounds you. But in actuality, it is the memory of the Great War that was fought, so potent that it has left a tangible mark upon the universe.

Now I eat and likly but not so likly sleep.

in slot 1
in slot 2
in slot 3

Thank you everyone for participating, I will be holding more of these in the future so do keep an eye out for them and maybe you will get the chance next time ^_^

As for the winner once the image is done I shall send you each the file through pm's and post it to my fa, feel free to do the same.

Thanks again everyone!

(And run-nbw I do remember you xD!)

I'm making a thing and I am offering slots of people if they would also like their characters in the image.
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/19579518/ <--- that is the pages to bid for spaces :P

Star Trek and tekkonkinkreet all in one heading xD life is life!

So I don't all too often make journals. Sadly, sometimes I use them to vent but not today...

Today I just wanted to report that I made a deal with my uncle. For every mile I go out running he will do three. So since Tuesday of this week I have gone for a mile run every day. He wants to get in shape again anyway but when I told him about this one time I nearly had a heart attack two years ago from playing football for two hours in a suit, he implored me that I should try something to at least get my cardio vascular system into shape. Seriously though if you ever begin to feel light headed, pins and needles in your hands and shooting pains in your arms just start coughing and you will keep your heart pumping and save your own life >.<.

Anyway, I kinda just wanted to say that... Well it feels alright, my little mile runs... Sure it's not like I'm going to be losing any weight fast and fuck dieting I love me the foods. I go at my own pace and who knows maybe in a months time it will be two miles and me doing it for myself more than trying to keep my end of a hand shake. And who knows in a years time I might actually be happy with my body shape xD;

So yeah I hate all exercise but here I am and saying it's alright, I feel better for it. So hey if you're reading this maybe give it ago? A mile is like 25 minute walk 2000 steps on a pedometer hehe pedometer but yeah or don't xD whatever keeps you happy.

-today I kept the peace, fighting the badguys. Over and out!