But I've been pretty quiet.

I'm on my own now. I have my own dinky lil apartment. It's big enough for me and my needs. Neighbors and neighborhood are nice. I have no intention of leaving unless I can land a 2bed with my mom. She and I are both chronically sick and it would just be easier to live with someone in this condition.

My cats are registered as therapy animals, so I can take them anywhere.

I have my art computer all set up. And I have been working on art when my health permits it. I have an ulcer or two. And sometimes I need to be completely reclined to mitigate the pain it causes me. It's why I've been violently throwing up all this time. I've been to the ER several times this year to get pain meds to stop it from attacking me. I think it also swells sometimes cuz it'll feel weird on top of the pain.

At this point, I honestly hope meds or surgery can cure this cuz idk what I'm supposed to do about it. I probably did this to myself being so frazzled all the time. Then pile on grief on top of that... Jeez.

So idk, I'll try to be around more. It's just been extremely hard. I'm jealous of everyone still able to churn out so much art. I miss being able to do that myself. So I hid.

Ah shit. Valentine's Day. I'm legally required to make art for that.

I've just... So I have no shortage of ideas. I'm never not (even faintly) thinking about a drawing I'd like to attempt. And motivation even spikes sometimes. But I have this ocean of guilt. I can't show Flickie anything. I hate that so much it sours the desire.

I wanted to make something for my birthday too but... I didn't.

I know I should push through and do it. I absolutely know. If I felt like I could handle it, I would. I'm pretty sure I have complicated grief disorder. I know grief isn't a one-size fits all, but I guess most people don't take their depression from it nearly as hard as I do. So I don't know. A lot of people this far out (it'll be 11 months on the 20th) have begun dating and seem happy with their new partner. I don't judge people for this but I absolutely couldn't. No one could make me as happy as he could and even if they did, I'd just feel like I'm cheating. I don't consider the marriage over.

I can't listen to music easily because everything hurts. His favorite band released a single uh... Last month I think (Beartooth). I wanted to hear it but I can't show him. I know he would wait to listen to it the first time until he could do it with me. I didn't buy Animal Crossing or Pokemon like I planned to because gaming hurts without him.

I email him regularly. To ramble. To cry. To tell him about my life. That's ...all I can handle...

I was approved for SSI. My first check will come in January, though they said I'm owed a check for December as well, so they'll send 2 checks next month.

This means I don't have to worry about money anymore. I'm finally free.

I can't get too excited for that though. I've been trying my entire relationship with Flickie to get this and the year he died, I get approved? How is that fair. We could have been so comfortable...

But I digress. I can take care of my cats and my needs on my own. I can repay my dad for paying for my phone this year. I can get a roommate if I wish. Although until anything becomes available to me, my mom is my roommate. She's nice, so I'm ok with that.

I started a powerful antidepressant called Trintellix. I'm still quite depressed, but I do feel ...less fucked up. It's hard to explain, but I know it's doing its job. My doc will probably up the dose though cuz I'm sure it can do better.

Maybe I'll be inclined to draw more when I get things I need. Maybe I'll start to feel happy when I can be comfortable. Maybe...

Well. Truth is, I'm not getting enough out of life anymore. Everything I'm being taught in therapy and from loved ones is that I'm too demanding of this world and I have to learn to be ok for myself.

I don't want to. I want my old life. I want it so bad. I want it more every day. I can't change that.

Bass will live the rest of his life with me. He already lost his daddy. But by the time he goes, so will I. I think Cookie and Shadow will be ok with my mom. I think the rest of the humans who care about me will understand. Life is not worth living without Flickie. And I'm tired of clinging to small patches of lessened pain as evidence that it might be ok for me in the end.

If I disappear one day, you all have been warned. I don't really think I'll have the headspace for a formal goodbye once I have enough balls to do myself in.

But honestly, I need more than life is willing to offer me. No one can save me from myself. Flickie was the only hero I had. And I never noticed.

I mean... I can only hope. I don't want to give up my art: the only thing I ever want to do. It's just hard to feel comfortable with myself enough to make anything for the sheer joy of making art. And that's why all you got were vent pieces this year. I'm probably done until February...

But I want to continue. I want to make things. I tried to make art for the joy of it by coloring in something a friend drew. But it didn't make me feel better.

I think that's why I can't do commissions. Because I'm not enjoying it when it's my turn to make myself something. I'm crying out in pain. I'm begging the universe for something it cannot give me.

So I lay dormant.

My phone showed me a memory of a drawing I made for no other reason than my love of drawing. And I miss who I was when I made that. I was en route to returning to that person until I lost Flickie.

All of my art this year, when I could be fucked to make it was the eternal echo I feel when I lean into my raw pain from my grief.

I kept talking big about making a comic my whole online art career and had very little to show for it. I want ...to ultimately write that comic. But before that I want to find joy in my art again. The piece my phone showed me from like 4 years ago wasn't that great, but I could remember the fun. Flickie loved that for me. That I had this side.

I'm not quite ready for commissions openly. I'll do the art for the person who paid me but after that I'm closing it up to just two people who understand what I'm going through. Thankfully, that's the only commissions I've gotten so far.

And I know this will be a shot in the foot because I really need the money, but I can't predict when things like the psyche ward will come up and take away my ability to communicate with people who want art and take away my ability to make anything for a week or more.

I'll make the Tamagotchi ych base and sample pic soon. I'll offer different shapes.
Custom, star, heart, and egg.

Custom might be more expensive, depends on how custom.

I need $150 in commissions this month. My sciatica is worsening and I read swim therapy can help, so I need a swim suit. That's not terribly expensive. None of the things I need this month are, I just need 5 $20ish things so it adds up.

Oof.

I'll survive without it but it won't be comfortable. I need a mattress topper for my floor mattress so it hurts less on my sciatica. That's and the swimsuit are the most important things I need. I want a new pill calendar and cat litter.

Anyway, if you're interested please let me know. I'm not opening many slots but I'll take on what I need to.

We'd have been 21 this October. Whatever art I'm working on will pause so I can work on anniversary art. Just because I can't show him won't stop me from making it. It just hurts is all...

I might clean up my Tamagotchi design and use that for a cheap tier ych. Probably in the $30-$50 range, depending on how detailed you want your shell. Don't use my recent artwork as the sample. I'll redo it.

Thinking of offering YCH for designer nails for OCs. Like those fancy long sets you see fancy people with irl.

I'll design two poses;

one that shows off one hand (5 fingers) - $50

One that shows off all 10 fingers - $80

The pose will focus on the nails and eyes. But it will be obvious that it is your oc. I will not accept money for this until I have completed my sample poses. I don't want anyone to get their hopes up and then hate the slot. But obviously I'm gonna do my best.

I'm actually making this journal to see if anyone would be interested in a mani done by yours truly, hehe. 💅

I got sick last night, and that means I can't draw. Not til my sinuses clear up more. They hurt so much.

And I just posted that sketch I'm more proud of than I should be, lol

I think I'm gonna dehumanize my fursona a tad. I dislike them having human shaped bodies, especially Catt. I wanna make them look more animalistic. Still bipedal and long gorgeous hair/styles, but I want them to look less... Like they can have sex lol.

I dunno if I'll keep this change but I plan to for one iteration of Catt and Flickie that came to me in a dream.

I wanted to work on owed art today but I'm so dizzy. It was still important I got that tamagotchi art out. Now I can focus on the owed art. I didn't expect to be so lethargic today.

I'm going to the hospital today to have some painful skin tags removed, because of course I am.

Hopefully I can work on owed art after that. I started the sketch for one commission and I need to color something older. But, I shouldn't be sensitive for too long. Probably just the rest of the day, realistically.

In other news, I'm looking into self help books. Made a wishlist I plan to pick at when I have a few bucks. The one I really want is $40 though.

I did raise my commission prices so if anyone would like one, I can show you the link.

I needs a desk first. Once I get that, I'll be set.

I don't expect anyone to offer me the $250 I need just for that when I have oh so many other needs and we're all shit broke.

I'm just lamenting because my life continues to suck.

I may reopen commissions soon but I won't take on as many as I used to.

My prices are higher now too. By about 5-10 bucks an item. Price Guide

I have one commission now to work on and I'm comfortable taking on one more depending on what you want. Ideally someone I talk to will be interested.

I just got home from the psyche ward yesterday. My dad turned on my phone in his plan because my mom sometimes has to skip a payment.

He's also gonna let me move in but idk when. We hadn't really discussed that because he wants to take it slow and since I'm welcomed at my mother's apartment, it's not entirely bad. I'm mainly miffed about needing a bed which will cost me like $600. And idk how to get that kind of money all disabled like I am. And without my husband. And I'm not even referencing my mental illnesses, I'm actually thinking about how I can't walk/stand for too long anymore. But the SSI hearing; this particular one is about mental. I don't know if they examined my physical limits or if they'll ask. But I will definitely be honest.

Anyway... Thanks for reading if you did. I'm in a better place than before having been taken inpatient... But I'm not great. I might post some of my art that I made there later.

As for why I went, I tried to OD on one of my medications. I didn't take enough to cause damage in a profound way but it was enough to make me sick the next day. And the day I went, I was flirting with taking a lot more. But I worry about being saved from it, and being more disabled than I already am.

...I'm not handling life well. It's not totally the grief either. It's everything. I feel like life is a battle were all expected to just fight. And I don't have fight in me anymore. I never had much but I had a powerful ally...

I have a lot of ideas I want to make but... Everything I make feels hollow. The constant realization that something's missing from my life simply makes me need him that much more. I can't function without him. And I don't want to. I shouldn't have to...

I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do about living without him. I don't have anything really. Just his TV and video games. And my PC I got with most of the settlement money I got a few months back. But that hearing isn't over yet.

I have nothing. And the one thing I truly need ...is dead. The lesser things I need... I have no income. I can't get an income because I'm mentally ill. Hopefully October will be favorable.

I can't see the future yet. I have help... I have allies. But I am weak. And tired. And I don't want to fight anymore. I want to just take care of his cats and rest.

I've struggled with it before but it found new lows. I enjoy things a lot less than ever now. I can't escape the pain. Everything feels laborious.

I need so much help... But I guess that's too big of an ask for the universe.

I'm frequently made uncomfortable and disturbed by how unreal life feels. Several times a day I'm driven mad by that. My mind eventually wanders or I grow tired. Or boredom strikes. Despite the fear it strikes in me, as nothing happens I unknowingly shift my attention elsewhere.

Flickie kept me grounded. He knew how to prove to me everything was ok.

There's nothing anyone can say to me. The thing I need is impossible.

Forget I asked about donations. Mild comfort in the moment ain't shit in the eyes of my problems. I can feed my cats between my parents so... I'll just focus on their happiness.

I look back on all my art of him. Mostly remembering why I made what I made. Remembering each era and what I felt like I struggled with, and what I felt like I excelled with.

But now... I worry it was all imagined. I don't experience the flow of time the way I should. I have a thinking disorder, so it doesn't make sense to me. Now and Forever mean the same thing to me. What I'm experiencing immediately is true and everything else is imaginary.

My childhood home is just as imaginary to me as a magical castle in the clouds. I can see both with equal clarity. Yet I know there is no magic castle and I can't go back to my childhood home. While the house is still there, it's been renovated beyond recognition and other people live there. It may as well be a different home.

I look at his selfies and I fear I can't deliberately recall his face without them. But I know I can. I fear i can't hear his voice. But I do.

This is no way to exist. And I'm losing my shit every day just a little bit more.

I hope I can move in with my dad before going inpatient again. I want to give my cats a little more time. I worry about them so much. They don't understand where their daddy went and I can't kept my shit together. But whatever I do, it'll happen after they've finished their lives. I promised Flickie they would be happy. And they will be.

In 3 days, it'll have been 6 months. I'm still trapped in February. I'm trapped in February and I'm trapped in my life and my mind. My depression's reached new darknesses. All I do is try not to walk off a building. My cats need me now more than ever. If I die now, they won't have their Daddy to be there for them. So I embrace.

Maybe I'll finish this stupid drawing I started 2 weeks ago. It's mostly done. I just have to find it in me to care.

I could use some donations if anyone's feeling kind. My mom got scammed at the end of last month and now we're feeling it. My dad covered cat food and litter for the month thankfully, but it isn't comfortable.

I understand if you can't, by all means. I know we're all roughing it out there. If it helps, I have my SSI hearing in October and my settlement hearing has "activity" per a letter I recently received. So I shouldn't be so needy soon (I hope).

PayPal: @ cattofthestarrs
Cashapp: catttwinstarrs (yes there's 3 Ts)
Venmo: @ Catt-Starr
Zelle: crystalrthompson[at]gmail.com

My phone remembers all my journal titles, lol.

Anyway, I'm sure as some of you saw, I updated my PayPal. My Venmo and Cashapp are still the same and now I use Zelle. My regular email is my contact for Zelle, crystalrthompson@gmail.com.

If there's other popular payment methods, clue me in. I want to be user friendly when I come back. I'm aiming for March 2025. Why March? I have some hurdles to get past. My anniversary, my birthday and Valentine's Day. Ideally, I'd be ugly crying in a hotel on those days but I don't have money for it lol. Unless my settlement kicks in.

But I wanna thank everyone for all their help this year and the last few. My luck had just declined so rapidly, I never had a chance to catch my breath.

I reconnected with my dad recently and the goal now is for me and my cats to go live with him and his wife. He knows I don't really have local friends to invite over or anything. It's just me and my dark cloud. I think once I'm set up with my own room and a proper desk, commissions will be easier to want to do.

Oh but beware, I rose my prices a little. Between the fucked up economy and me getting too big for my britches, it was inevitable.

I had deactivated my old PayPal because it was tethered to Flickie and I was worried about fraud. My new one is solely in my name now. https://www.paypal.me/cattofthestarrs
Associated email:
crystalrthompson[at]gmail.com