I am still around. i know i dont do much to draw attention here. Looking over my gallery, I get a few ideas, run a bit, and drop em.

Emotions are feeling bruised. I think I only have optimism for small things. like.. this sandwich will taste good. The scope of my hope has shrunk to ' i will get some nice sleep ' ' I wont feel like crap tomorrow. ' nothing bigger. I am still living with my parents. they have grown worse. racism, xenophobic, homophobic. I am masking all the time. I rarely get to let my opinions out. its all grey rock replies. yes, no.

Ive long stopped thinking of trying ot make them better people. I am a deeply sarcastic, quick witted person. i love to joke and poke fun at absurd shit. I have to contain that. not worth effort. they will die in their beliefs. thank you maga cult. thank you fox and right wing religion.

I try to make a joke about something. their call back is some transphobic. or racist bullshit.

I wake up every morning hoping to see that PotUS has died. i want to outlive him. spite is a shit reason to live, but i have that.

I will be hitting 42 years old this month. My dog, Max turns 1. He is getting big. and is a good boy. He has learned that he can climb on my bed, and when he wants tp snuggle he flops on my chest. i think he weighs over 80lbs now. still got about a year to go in getting bigger. not sure if his ears will stand up.

i start with psychiatric meetings this moth as well. Still unemployed. Mental issues have kept me terrified of the pain and emotional wreck i dealt with during my time in retail working at a gas station, where i would refuse to sleep for days on end till i collapsed because sleep meant i had to get up and go to work in the rain and heat and snow and wind, with uncaring motherfucker customers in driving rain telling me to "stay Dry! :D" or being in -20f outside and falling on ice. of being lied to by bosses, arbitrary you dont need to know decisions made that make my life harder with no sense of control. I tried to get a job with my degree, got hired and the day of start found i had a major infection in my foot that needed 6 weeks of recovery. i finally start.. and i just couldnt. the memories of pain and all that shit had me walk off the job.

I'm being housed on my parents land in a separate 400sqft cabin with its own power/bathroom. this is coming on two years in the cabin, 3 years on this place since covid robbed me of work, rent debt robbed me of most my savings, and a fall injury left my left arm almost immobile till I got a year of Phys therapy. My 73 year old father has no respect for closed doors or privacy. so any time during the day he may come barging in to let me know he made cream of wheat. i will literally be in bed asleep and here he is, slamming through the front door. Its stressful as fuck. some days its 3-4 times a day. others it can go weeks between. My brother who shares this space with me deals with it by working and living in the middle of the night and sleeping in the day. he is saving up and paying down his credit dept. only good thing is i dont have to pay bills. Medical is covered by the state. i got on the SNAP program as a disabled adult and the 200$ a month i get is more than i need for myself. I buy bulk/generic from when i had money and needed to make it stretch. im living off money i made in 2020 during the census by only having 30$ in phone bills from the cheapest prepaid plan i could get for my phones and

I kinda want to share AI art i had generated. But its not mine. a machine did it. its not even furry. just anime. so meh. I never get art commissioned, never had the money. no one gives me art. last art gift was a rando in city of heroes drawing my fox hero posting it to reddit. and that ctf comic 5-6 years ago from a friend. Id prolly use AI art gen to make Dani and stuff. I know drawing is hard work... i jsut dont have the spirit to practice. I'm so tired.

Buried my dog today. between today and last week,the tumors in his mouth doubled in size. we had him put to sleep at around noon. just finished burying him.

My brother and I are filling in the hole we are burying him in. my dad is there. he loved the guy too. my mom was there. we are not half way done filling the hole.

"Now you can focus on fixing the roof!"

I wound up to hit her with the shovel before I caught myself and told her to get the fuck away, you sociopath. She wasnt talking to me, but my dad. but fucking christ.

I need to mop my house.. there.. is a lot of dog blood stains on the floor from where his tongue tumor was bleeding.

I tend to make these on my birthday. I'm 40.

I don't got much to say. Really thought my life would be better. Feel a step up from homeless. I'm sleeping in a hallway. Health is not good.

I hope people have a good year. I send love and hope to your lives.

This will mainly be a bitching about things post. Rambling, stream of thought.

I am having to move back in with my parents. They have terrible boomer brain poison.
thanks to covid, I have been out of work from March. Unemployment has not done anything to help, I applied mid March, and as far as i know, it is still in limbo. Ive got a hold of them 3-4 tims, each time I have been told "yes, your claim looks good." I have not got any money from them at all. I have been lucky that the 1200$ has covered bills, but food has been from food stamps.

My housing situation is to move into the room i had in 01-04 at my parents. they converted it into a pot grow room. They have not really been helping at all. nothing to prep the room, nothing ot help with storage for my things. Just their own interests. I help my dad fix his tractor. he was going to use it to level a spot. so i can build a shed, to store my things in. Its a 90 mile trip for me t get to their house from where I am, one way. I get there, he is clearing brush, on the other side of the property, and not the spot we need to work, because we were not there to help him. like... Im fucking off at my apartment just for shits and giggles and not cleaning, packing, and geting all lthe various bullshit together that comes with being forced to move.

THere was no pont to this. and no one reads my journals. but there it is.

Not dead. Living in my brothers storage room with tool chests and boxes of clothes on a childs twin bed. If i stretch out i hang over the ends. My hip hurts when i walk. Diabetes is at least under control and my blood sugars under control. Almost lost my foot to an infection some time last year. Medical is taken care of cause the state gave free health care. Otherwise id have lost my foot. looking for work. i cant work retail. work that requires being physical isnt an option. My degree is being a mechanic. fuck me that was stupid. Everyone wants my physical knowledge. I cant use it. No one calls to hire me for a desk job. fuck you.

im turning 38 this week. I will die in poverty.

I'm still alive. fighting depression. I dont get self harmful or violent with others.. i neglect myself. i havent taken my diabetes meds in months... my latest batch of depression has to do with feeling ignored, even online interactions are few and far between it feels. i set a major goal for myself in college. be a master certified tech before graduation. i met that goal, but now it feels like i cheated. that it shouldnt have been that easy. so my dumb brain is making me feel like shit. no energy for anything it feels. no desire for anything. just sit there, read the horrible news. stare at the screen. why bother trying to rp with someone online, it dont matter. dnd with friends feels pointless, im just a npc for the story the dm wants to tell. no one will read this or reply. its more im talking off an cliff. telling my parents that ive got this master level certification only seemed to get my dad interested in seeing what i can buy him with my discount. my mom 'jokes' if you are a straight A student now, why didnt you do it in high school. yeah, mom.. people change in 20 years. im coming on 40 years old. i dont know if i can even do the job im certified in once i graduate college. physically, i mean. i want to sell my knowledge. my body hurts all the time. things that used to bring me joy are just.. ash. i cant eat what i like to bring myself comfort with food. doing that makes me feel terrible. its what i used to do when i was 12. part of why im fat. reading porn stories/looking at art is frustrating.. my health again, makes it so i have a hard time getting arroused and if i do, i cant even orgasm. I want to dip into my hobbies as a teen, making things for dnd and things like that. now.. i look at it and again feel like its pointless, as ill never use the stuff. i look at the art i posted i here, and wonder why i havent taken drawing again. or writing. then the stupid voice says why bother. you draw some sexy herm art, or write the kind of story you wanna see, you get no feed back, or you get someone latching on you about some dumb thing. crotch dovers. those that see you made soemthing nice, they wanna sex rp with you. whats the fucking point. sigh. ok ill just hit enter on this and end the thoughts. if someone who knows me form a while ago, know that i didnt intend to ignore you.. im just.. quiet.. like.. i hope to talk with you.. message me, i will talk and chat.. but with my current state of mind.. im not good company to be fun around. alright.. im gonna end this, got to let the Dog out. i look at my current version of Dani and realise he looks jsut like her, heh.

Thanks for all the watches and favorites. The ctf comic was a gift from Greywolf. the comissioning artist doesnt what his/her name put on it xD three more pages and its finished. Some of the pages might get reuploaded as they get cleaned up.

day six of visiting family. if Joey had timed it better, this would easily have been a 3 day trip. I hate riding with on trips. the lack of.. ok i have visited, time to leave control i have drives me mad. I think i have more than a bit of social... i dont want to say anxiety, but i get irritated around my family. my dad seems to feel im 12, lazy and incompetent. he refuses to see that im an adult, and is insisting whats best for me, and the tone of when he talks to me feels like im wasting my life as a full time student, while working. i should drop out, come back home, and be a mud farmer living off their largess, helping dad push dirt about.

while visiting with my brothers family, every little tease feels like a lack of respect, an insult, of im a lesser member of the family, i dont feel welcome. getting invited to dinner, to pay for myself feels like an insult. i dont have that money. im losing 150$ as is to visit for this week, after a month off work that i was screwed out of by being denied my disability after i feared of having a heart attack in october,. it was a mistake to take time off work and come down here.

I dont know if i will visit again next year. No one comes to visit me, i cant afford the tank of gas or emotional bruising i get from the broken people that are my family.

I almost posted this to facebook, but id rather not bare my soul to somewhere those i know rl would read my bitching

Ive been playing way too much warframe, and Ive decided to share my dogs with you :3

http://i.imgur.com/NFwCJyx.png

http://i.imgur.com/cGVlQNn.png

http://i.imgur.com/m4EfyRG.png

http://i.imgur.com/9XR6xto.jpg
my dogs :3

One of my only stable uncles went insane this week. he has gone through 100k in impulse spending in that time. we are doing what we can to stem the tide of him ruining his family's life, but not much we can do.

I'm turning 34.

I wont say no to any gifts if any think to read this or do something for me. My dad was the only one to get me something, having learned that i needed tires back in november. so he got me new wheels and tires.

My truck decided to not start last week. I dont have money to fix it, so I had to wait for this week to get my pay check and try and replace the battery. My first guess. I wasnt looking forward to buying a new battery, so I went to return it. I lucked out, it was still in its replace for free period, so I got my new one, put it in, and tried to start the engine. Clunk. Fuck.. ok.. Starter.. call around. 100$ from about anywhere. Kay.. I got 200 or so to my name.. Buy the starter after getting the old one out. The new one doesn't have the right wiring to hook up, I have to rewire the original part on my truck with the new wire feed. Seems its a flaw in the original design they decided that anyone replacing it should fix on their own when it breaks. I dont have a wiring tool, so I'm stuck until tomorrow when my brother can get me one. This has been the cherry sundae on my shitty week. yay me.

http://imgur.com/JOgGUq0

I got asked why i didnt use my white fox avi anymore, and the reason was the tech i used to build it was ancient. so i updated =D

Looking at my old journals, i realize that nearly every year I post about it being my birthday. So now Im 33. No one cares.

Have a good day

Well its Christmas morning. I got a slip and fall injury onto icy concrete for bothering to get out of bed. Ive had 3 people wish me well today, so thanks to you who remembered me. My parents havent bothered to call to wish me well, or ask if we are going to visit them this year. Breakfast consisted of 3 day old leftovers. Ive got no gifts to unwrap and having friends tell me the stuff they have makes me feel worse.

Merry Christmas
-sighs-

It's been a while from the last time i posted one of these. I dont get many replies to stuff I talk about, so i usually dont bother.

My health has been.. middling ot poor these last few months.. my diabetes hasnt gone well with my medicines, as the meds were causing me to miss work from digestion issues. Im getting that sorted out.

I moved for work.. there was a promotion open for management at the gas station i work at.. they gave it to someone else, an assistant manager that worked inside. I felt cheated, as I had nine years experience in the department, but oh well. Ive moved on from that job, Im now working the night freight crew. Pay is the same, more or less. I just have had problems with sleeping in the afternoon. Its too hot.

Ive been playing World of tanks off and on. Im a middling player. i die alot. Right now im working up the american tanks, toward the T29, the m4 easy 8, and the t71. Also got back into Champions Online. I still miss city of heroes, but champions is an ok alternate. Most my time is tabbed out and reading forums anyway.

In second life, Ive been.. being creepy.. is the best way to put it. Ive got some rather specific RP kinks I want to play with, an they scare the crap out of people as being too weird. Having people oogle your character as bieng one of the sexiest they have seen, then finding out you like transforms and other weird stuff is disheartening.

I donno why Im posting this, but eh.. Im feel like Im in a depression.. just letting myself exist without any hope of a better tomorrow. Im near broke at the moment, Ive been on sick leave for the last month. Insurance has been very.. up their own ass in paying me, and thats been eating into my savings badly..

City of Heroes is closing after 8 years. NCSoft shut it down, and disolved the studio with no warning. It was where my character Dani was born, and im all broke up over it shutting down.

My hotmail was blocked for some reason. im trying to sort that out. All my msn contacts are missing for now and im trying to get recontacted with people

I got diagnosed with diabetes recently. Im on medicines to control it. they gave me a 3 month supply for only about 10$ so thats good. My insurance sucks terribly, so its only covering about 10% of the costs of my visits, if that. Had a scare as one of my toes developed an infection and i was forced to go to the doctor when it swelled to double its normal size. Now the bills are coming in. Here is to hoping they dont get to far out of control.

I turn 31 today. I hurt, my body aches, and I feel old.

Those of you that watch me and know me on Second Life the Tails is opening up again on Meeting Island. I really dont have much more to say about that. Hope to see some people i hadnt seen in forever.

http://tubedubber.com/#yfelqZpapZA:.....0:100:0:0:true

I laughed so hard at this...

In tune version

http://tubedubber.com/#yfelqZpapZA:.....:100:0:15:true

Welp, it was my birthday the 24th. Nothing special done, I got myself a cheesecake. My brother had to work, and I dont have any local friends other than my roommate, so it was a day of sitting about. Started snowing for the first time in months. I guess that is all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3MSfcHv0_c

its better than a lot i hear lately ;D

http://imvotingteaparty.com/

some nice shirts to show your... 'respect' for the tea party movement.

a Lil letter asking some questions on God's Laws, as written in Leviticus.



Michael August 12th, 2010 8:01 pm ET

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of
debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other
elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine
claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how
do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there
'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room
here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments
made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also
tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go
to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?
Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family
affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a
Canadian)