So I've been ridiculously busy this past 2 weeks! I graduated college, moved to Orlando with the pup, and now I've just gotten settled in my apartment and start training for work tomorrow!

I'm still here and alive! (and angsting over cute boys). <3

I've been ridiculously absent from FA and FR for a while, but I've been ridiculously busy with graduation rehearsals, shows, packing, MORE packing!

And I got an almost clean bill of health from my doctor! I don't have cancer, but still do have 3/4 tumors in my uterus maybe they're altogether like 2" and I'm tentatively scheduled to get my hysterectomy when I turn 23 so I'm just really excited to leave that part of my life behind. My blood pressure is great, my vitamin D levels are awesome (they're usually ridiculously low), PCOS has been confirmed, but hey, I'm just glad I don't need to be rushed into emergency surgery. My doctor has been such a great person these past years and has really worked with me with my depression and not every doctor I could call at 4 a.m. crying and he immediately sends in refills for my medicines or is wide awake asking if I need help.

And I'm going down to a half dose of my antis! I'm super stoked!

Things are going okay. I'm having friend probs, but what can you do? Maybe this is the fresh start I need as I move! <3

warning: this isn't as happy as my last journal


i’m just so far for being okay right now

i’ve left my medicine 4.5 hours away and maybe will get them on monday in the mail

it’s been an exceptionally crappy week as far as my emotions

ray left ah and i’m so stoked for him, but i think him leaving has caused me to realize that everything in my life is changing

i’m getting different friends

i’m graduating college something i never thought i would be able to do

i have a new job with benefits

i’m freaking moving to florida 14 hours away from my home from everything i’ve known and i did pretty swell there for the 6 months i was there for my internship and i love florida so far but what if it doesn’t work out

what if i fail

i’m terrified

I just formally accepted an offer and will be returning to Animal Kingdom in May as a full time entertainment technician! I'm super excited to begin this next journey in my life!

Back at school and I'm still slightly melancholy about it. I was so happy in Florida - mentally and physically that I dreaded coming back here for so long. And for good reason I guess. My school is the least stable place to be with a mental illness.

Good news is that I am starting a career in late May as a full time technician! The really awesome part is that I get benefits in two months after starting. This means my $300 health insurance bill will hopefully go down to less than $200!! And then I can work on getting dental insurance so these dumb wisdom teeth can be removed.

It's nice to see my best friend/roommate. I really miss her. As much as we do bicker - like wifeys tbh, I genuinely do care for her and she's been my friend since day one here at school. And today I had a moment where I realized nothing was really the same. She didn't tell me certain news because she didn't know how I would react - she was scared. And I'm still trying to figure out was she scared of my reaction - or did she really value my opinion that much that if I had a negative opinion she was scared to hear it.

And I'm okay with the news. It's nothing new. I've known for the past 3 weeks something had been happening. And I think part of her worry was that I'm aroace - how am I going to deal with her being in a fling?? Like girl, live your life! I will do nothing to impede that. As long as I do not hear you, you can do whatever and whoever you want. My only issue was the emotional drinking because of my dad. I just hate seeing people cope that way.

I'm just scared to fall out of the loop. I don't want to be lonely at the end of the year. She seems to have another group of friends which is fine and dandy, but what if I can't incorporate myself into that group - what if they don't want me to be there. I kept up with her throughout my entire move to Orlando and back and the best thing about being friends with her is that we did not have to talk to each other every single day. We can always pick back up right where we left off.

A reason I don't do relationships and at least a third of my anxiety is my need of validation from others that I'm doing okay, that I'm enough. That I'm important and loved.

I'm going to go hide under my blankies and draft now.