To a bright hopeful new year!
Posted 2 years agoI know I didn't get my holiday wishes out to everyone. Or really update much this year. A lot has happened good and bad. Had a few health scares, got in a car accident, moved from an apartment to a house, worked on IT Certifications for a new career, paid off a loan, And had many happy memories with those that are close to me. All in all I'm still here and hopefully ready to thrive in 2024!
I'm still working on getting a job at NASA and have made some progress there. Been making connections with some of the IT people that work there and have made the lists for eligible candidates for future hires so here's hoping my continued growth in IT will land me that career I really hope for!
So as we all conclude this year I hope that the next brings everyone a bit brighter horizon to gaze upon,
Sincerely, Femmy!
I'm still working on getting a job at NASA and have made some progress there. Been making connections with some of the IT people that work there and have made the lists for eligible candidates for future hires so here's hoping my continued growth in IT will land me that career I really hope for!
So as we all conclude this year I hope that the next brings everyone a bit brighter horizon to gaze upon,
Sincerely, Femmy!
Happy Journeys!
Posted 3 years agoI know I'm a bit late with these words but I wanted to wish you all a bright and warmth Holiday season, Whether you celebrate Christmas or not, just know that this little bat wishes for the best to any that catch my jumble of words.
I'm really looking forward to what the new year brings each and every one of you. May it be full of blessings, smiles, and joy. Always remember that you matter, that your light guides and uplifts someone elses. I may not be able to offer the generosity I'm working my tail off to get back to right now! But I do offer all the warmth, love, and kindness I can muster from the bottom of my toes to the tips of my wings.
Have a bright and warm journey ahead!
Much thought and warmth,
Kiki
I'm really looking forward to what the new year brings each and every one of you. May it be full of blessings, smiles, and joy. Always remember that you matter, that your light guides and uplifts someone elses. I may not be able to offer the generosity I'm working my tail off to get back to right now! But I do offer all the warmth, love, and kindness I can muster from the bottom of my toes to the tips of my wings.
Have a bright and warm journey ahead!
Much thought and warmth,
Kiki
Updates on 2022
Posted 3 years agoI know I've been rather aloof and quiet and haven't really added a single piece of art this year or updated my journals, Trust me I'd like nothing more than to share more of Mukki it just hasn't been in the cards. Priorities have been set for myself to improve my life and continue to wrap up what debts I have. So on that front I've been making a lot of progress I can happily report <3 I've been a very busy bat slowly chipping away at that stone monthly so I can be free of the burden in a few years time.
As for a little update on bat, we moved down the road from our apartment to a house which I've been helping renovate although lots of troubles not related to that has been sapping our progress thanks to costly car repairs and recently a broken water line to the house x.x I digress though we will manage. My best friend and I are learning the in's and outs of owning a home and maintaining it. Hoping to have my personal room and privacy back by end of next month I hope! The house move kinda put a temporary halt to my IT studies I'm still actively doing but as soon as rooms done I'll be right back onto them! I've had a ton of support from many of you on that journey and I really wanna get into that career side of things.
The last quarter of the year did see a tough pill for me. I regret to inform that my constant little companion in life, my lovely little Rachet didn't make it this year. My kitty had a heart attack shortly after some routine vet appointments checking out some of his known issues. It was all very sudden and unexpected and I miss him a lot but at least I know that we were able to give him the utmost love and affectionate life possible. So I move forward with many cherished memories that I'll always hold close to my heart.
As for a little update on bat, we moved down the road from our apartment to a house which I've been helping renovate although lots of troubles not related to that has been sapping our progress thanks to costly car repairs and recently a broken water line to the house x.x I digress though we will manage. My best friend and I are learning the in's and outs of owning a home and maintaining it. Hoping to have my personal room and privacy back by end of next month I hope! The house move kinda put a temporary halt to my IT studies I'm still actively doing but as soon as rooms done I'll be right back onto them! I've had a ton of support from many of you on that journey and I really wanna get into that career side of things.
The last quarter of the year did see a tough pill for me. I regret to inform that my constant little companion in life, my lovely little Rachet didn't make it this year. My kitty had a heart attack shortly after some routine vet appointments checking out some of his known issues. It was all very sudden and unexpected and I miss him a lot but at least I know that we were able to give him the utmost love and affectionate life possible. So I move forward with many cherished memories that I'll always hold close to my heart.
Happy Holidays!
Posted 4 years agoJust wanted to plop on and wish you all a wonderful holiday. And a very hopeful new year. Stay safe and healthy and smile as much as you can on your journey's!
Let us all spread more kindness and love around to others this upcoming year. We all could use and need more of such things on our little blue ball.
-Lots of love and hugs!, Fem
Let us all spread more kindness and love around to others this upcoming year. We all could use and need more of such things on our little blue ball.
-Lots of love and hugs!, Fem
Update #7 NASA?
Posted 4 years agoSo today in fact I have a job interview to work as as a contractor for NASA in computer tech. To say I"M NERVOUS is an understatement. My best friend got me a referral for the job so hoping I don't make him look bad xD no pressure at all right? I'm also really hopeful and excited. I want a real career so bad and I could find that there. So please please wish me luck!
I'm applying for a PC technician role which also aligns with my interests and passions in life but I've never had a job like that so I'm hoping the recognize my skillsets, motivation, and intellectual capacity to learn for this. As usual I'll be giving my best foot forward but yeah! That's what's going on today ._.
Love you all - Femukki "Kiki" Fledermaus
I'm applying for a PC technician role which also aligns with my interests and passions in life but I've never had a job like that so I'm hoping the recognize my skillsets, motivation, and intellectual capacity to learn for this. As usual I'll be giving my best foot forward but yeah! That's what's going on today ._.
Love you all - Femukki "Kiki" Fledermaus
Update #6 Arrival!
Posted 4 years agoI have arrived in Virginia, Unpacked and settled down into my little room and office. I'm feeling relieved. Most hours of the day I'm incredibly happy and feel myself again. Able to laugh and squeak and chit and chat with all my friends and simply be a social little bat like I enjoy.
So I will say that I firmly believe this was the right choice. I don't feel stressed anymore. I don't feel this dread of existing. The area is full of opportunity and life and I can't wait to find something better here. I even learned today how to change my spark plugs on my car! :o much simpler than I expected! I always like to learn and grow in all aspects of my life. I've met a lot of really nice people recently during all my stress and weakness but it feels like ages ago that I was in darkness. So much so that I almost didn't feel like updating such things.
But here I am! Things are looking up in all the right ways. Just gotta finalize some work stuff and hopefully I'll be back earning a paycheck before long and everything will smooth out.
Despite all this positive vibes and happiness I feel... I can't help buy remember my friend. And it saddens me greatly in those moments. I truthfully miss them. Spread your love and joys whenever you can to those you treasure. Really. Everyone I've ever met is unique and irreplaceable and I miss them all when we drift apart.
-With hopeful dreams and starry eyes, Femukki "Kiki" Fledermaus
So I will say that I firmly believe this was the right choice. I don't feel stressed anymore. I don't feel this dread of existing. The area is full of opportunity and life and I can't wait to find something better here. I even learned today how to change my spark plugs on my car! :o much simpler than I expected! I always like to learn and grow in all aspects of my life. I've met a lot of really nice people recently during all my stress and weakness but it feels like ages ago that I was in darkness. So much so that I almost didn't feel like updating such things.
But here I am! Things are looking up in all the right ways. Just gotta finalize some work stuff and hopefully I'll be back earning a paycheck before long and everything will smooth out.
Despite all this positive vibes and happiness I feel... I can't help buy remember my friend. And it saddens me greatly in those moments. I truthfully miss them. Spread your love and joys whenever you can to those you treasure. Really. Everyone I've ever met is unique and irreplaceable and I miss them all when we drift apart.
-With hopeful dreams and starry eyes, Femukki "Kiki" Fledermaus
Update #5 Less stressed.
Posted 4 years agoHello hello,
Another update as per usual. I was able to consolidate all my funds and such like I had wanted and should have frankly done years ago. Set up with a 3 year pay off plan that cuts my monthly bleeding in half. What a huge weight off my shoulders to say the least. So a major financial hurdle jumped for now.
I also spoke with my existing two loan lenders to delay my monthly payment next month so I have the entire next month to hunt for jobs which is the next step for me and my recovery. It truly shows just how much I needed to go from my former work place. I tried shopping at a different location and even that had me anxious and anxiety fueled. Gonna take a lot of work to deal with that trauma I can already feel but we are moving forward. I will be packing my bags this week most likely to start a new chapter.
will be providing me a little home for the time being while I work on fixing out my life.
Gonna move to Virginia and try out a few different jobs and learn some IT programs so I can get a better career. I know it won't be easy or quick but I'm driven right now. I wanna tackle this while I have fire in my soul to do so. I don't wanna settle for the treatment I'd been enduring for a simple dollar amount. So I'm making that choice. I'm hopeful I can find something soon but until then I'll be living on a pretty tight budget for obvious reasons.
It isn't all bad though. Because of the mindful budget I've been cooking more and making meals at home that are much healthier than my normal weekly diet. Hopefully this spurs me back into my love of meal prep and making meal kits. I miss those!
That's the gist of it for now. Wish me luck on finding a better place to work! I won't lie I'm nervous with the jump but also incredibly hopeful!
-Optimistic little bat, Femukki "Kiki" Fledermaus
Another update as per usual. I was able to consolidate all my funds and such like I had wanted and should have frankly done years ago. Set up with a 3 year pay off plan that cuts my monthly bleeding in half. What a huge weight off my shoulders to say the least. So a major financial hurdle jumped for now.
I also spoke with my existing two loan lenders to delay my monthly payment next month so I have the entire next month to hunt for jobs which is the next step for me and my recovery. It truly shows just how much I needed to go from my former work place. I tried shopping at a different location and even that had me anxious and anxiety fueled. Gonna take a lot of work to deal with that trauma I can already feel but we are moving forward. I will be packing my bags this week most likely to start a new chapter.
will be providing me a little home for the time being while I work on fixing out my life.Gonna move to Virginia and try out a few different jobs and learn some IT programs so I can get a better career. I know it won't be easy or quick but I'm driven right now. I wanna tackle this while I have fire in my soul to do so. I don't wanna settle for the treatment I'd been enduring for a simple dollar amount. So I'm making that choice. I'm hopeful I can find something soon but until then I'll be living on a pretty tight budget for obvious reasons.
It isn't all bad though. Because of the mindful budget I've been cooking more and making meals at home that are much healthier than my normal weekly diet. Hopefully this spurs me back into my love of meal prep and making meal kits. I miss those!
That's the gist of it for now. Wish me luck on finding a better place to work! I won't lie I'm nervous with the jump but also incredibly hopeful!
-Optimistic little bat, Femukki "Kiki" Fledermaus
Update #4 Treading water
Posted 4 years agoWell, I wish I could say all is fantastic and I'm driving across the country to a new job but that isn't the case. I wasn't able to secure the job that I was aiming which has been a huge damper over my mood yesterday.
But I'm still here, going over more applications and reading over the resume to see what I could improve. I'm scheduled to go back to work any day now just waiting on my covid tests to come back. Work put me on 2 week leave after showing minor symptoms/possible contact with an infected person. Other than that I haven't noticed anything major so no need to fret about that.
I'm trying to figure out my next steps though. On if I should full dive into this job hunt and move now. Or tough out more weeks with this horrible job until something shows itself. Just thinking of returning to work has got me feeling quite depressed already so I'm trying to plan out how I can move and such like I planned at the end of Sept.
I'm looking currently into debt consolidation and such to see if those are viable options to give me breathing room or if they are even a wise decision. So far I haven't found any success or meaningful benefit from doing such a thing but I'm not an expert at all so I could be missing or overlooking a lot of information on that topic. (update, I found and secured a consolidation loan that is going to pay off my entire line of credit in 3 years from the projected 10 years I was looking at so YAY! Some really positive news with that <3333)
So TLDR, I'm still battling it out and working to find a better place. I can see the pieces I need to grab it's just about getting close enough to do such a thing.
As usual, thanks for the support and I'll keep trying to update when I can! Hopefully the next time it will be with better news!
-Sincerely, Femukki "Kiki" Fledermaus
But I'm still here, going over more applications and reading over the resume to see what I could improve. I'm scheduled to go back to work any day now just waiting on my covid tests to come back. Work put me on 2 week leave after showing minor symptoms/possible contact with an infected person. Other than that I haven't noticed anything major so no need to fret about that.
I'm trying to figure out my next steps though. On if I should full dive into this job hunt and move now. Or tough out more weeks with this horrible job until something shows itself. Just thinking of returning to work has got me feeling quite depressed already so I'm trying to plan out how I can move and such like I planned at the end of Sept.
I'm looking currently into debt consolidation and such to see if those are viable options to give me breathing room or if they are even a wise decision. So far I haven't found any success or meaningful benefit from doing such a thing but I'm not an expert at all so I could be missing or overlooking a lot of information on that topic. (update, I found and secured a consolidation loan that is going to pay off my entire line of credit in 3 years from the projected 10 years I was looking at so YAY! Some really positive news with that <3333)
So TLDR, I'm still battling it out and working to find a better place. I can see the pieces I need to grab it's just about getting close enough to do such a thing.
As usual, thanks for the support and I'll keep trying to update when I can! Hopefully the next time it will be with better news!
-Sincerely, Femukki "Kiki" Fledermaus
Update #3 - Progress
Posted 4 years agoHello hello again. Checking in once more with another update for the month.
Some quite positive news I'm holding my breath for. I've been on medical leave from work the past week and a half which I suppose isn't ideal but it has allowed me to dig deep and pursue growth. I've been spending most of that time at home destressing, being quiet, and importantly looking for a new job. I was connected via a friend to someone who helps people get hired for a living working at a university and with their help was able to rebuild a really nice modern Resume that I have sent out to several jobs just to get out of the place I work right now.
There was also one in particular that wasn't just a lateral movement. A job I applied for that was everything I wanted, better pay, work at home, driven by helping others, and general daylight hours. I'm quite happy to be able to say that I passed all 3 days of their pre-screening, and various assessment tests and courses along with verbal over the phone replies to questions. I get to have an interview with that company Monday!
I'm super thrilled with this opportunity as it will completely change my life so many ways that I desperately need. If I get hired next week I will also receive a sign on bonus large enough to pay off a lingering debt that has been tormenting me for 7 years now which is exactly what I'll be doing with it. Not to mention the hourly pay is far above what I make right now. So please keep your paws, wings, digits, tails, etc crossed!
I'm still here, I'm still fighting, and I'm still trying to better myself and reach for a better tomorrow. I won't say it has been easy because it hasn't. But I truly have had so many open my eyes lately to all sorts of things and sit down genuinely to converse and hold me close in my moments of weakness. From best friends to strangers I've never met. I thank you deeply from the bottom of my heart because I know that such acts of kindness are not easy, It is so truly hard to reach out to someone who is shrouded and offer your hand.
So thank you, for finding me worth saving and uplifting back into a brighter day.
-With the deepest love and admiration, Femukki "kiki" Fledermaus
Some quite positive news I'm holding my breath for. I've been on medical leave from work the past week and a half which I suppose isn't ideal but it has allowed me to dig deep and pursue growth. I've been spending most of that time at home destressing, being quiet, and importantly looking for a new job. I was connected via a friend to someone who helps people get hired for a living working at a university and with their help was able to rebuild a really nice modern Resume that I have sent out to several jobs just to get out of the place I work right now.
There was also one in particular that wasn't just a lateral movement. A job I applied for that was everything I wanted, better pay, work at home, driven by helping others, and general daylight hours. I'm quite happy to be able to say that I passed all 3 days of their pre-screening, and various assessment tests and courses along with verbal over the phone replies to questions. I get to have an interview with that company Monday!
I'm super thrilled with this opportunity as it will completely change my life so many ways that I desperately need. If I get hired next week I will also receive a sign on bonus large enough to pay off a lingering debt that has been tormenting me for 7 years now which is exactly what I'll be doing with it. Not to mention the hourly pay is far above what I make right now. So please keep your paws, wings, digits, tails, etc crossed!
I'm still here, I'm still fighting, and I'm still trying to better myself and reach for a better tomorrow. I won't say it has been easy because it hasn't. But I truly have had so many open my eyes lately to all sorts of things and sit down genuinely to converse and hold me close in my moments of weakness. From best friends to strangers I've never met. I thank you deeply from the bottom of my heart because I know that such acts of kindness are not easy, It is so truly hard to reach out to someone who is shrouded and offer your hand.
So thank you, for finding me worth saving and uplifting back into a brighter day.
-With the deepest love and admiration, Femukki "kiki" Fledermaus
Update: Painful transparency
Posted 4 years agoThis is a continuation of my last journal. On what happened and what is happening in my life right now.
I'm going to be brutaly open and honest here and say things that I've hidden even from my best friends. But it needs to be done. I'm not proud of my actions lately at all or where I've let myself go. I'm opening up so I can continue to heal and be honest with myself and others as I've always strived to be and make the changes that need to be made before I can be a light or friend to anyone.
I've unadmittedly been suffering a huge amount of depression that has been exasperated and fueled by fears and anxiety of all kinds. I want to be clear. This was not
fault. They did absolutely everything they could to be honest and patient with me as they humanly could and I truly appreciate that effort. Far more than I could ever ask for and far more than I deserved for how I've been this last month. They had their own issues to sort and I was trying to rely on them too much but at the same time... I simply didn't tell them or talk to them plainly and be upfront with my struggles because I didn't want to make them feel responsible for my health and happiness. In the end I bottled things up until they unhealthily reached a breaching point. I do tragically wish I could have simply told them that I was going through things and that I simply needed to depart and collect myself much like they were doing for themselves.
So please I don't want to hear anymore from anyone that they pushed me away. They did not. It was my doing and my fault. I made the choice to distance myself from them because I was becoming too unstable and simply wasn't providing them with a healthy friendship. I refused to be a bad influence or pressure them further. That isn't who I wanted to be or how I wanted to treat them ever. Please understand this. There was another more significant reason as well I'll get to in a moment but I really do hope someday that I can mend things with them and we can sit around a pile of Legos and laugh about this period of my life, that I can overcome this depression and laugh about how silly it all was that we both got caught up in it.
But for now.. the heavy part.. my depression has been so deep and pervasive that for the first time in my life I had contemplated suicide on several recent occasions. I will repeat this isn't their fault. There was far more going on in my head and life than I admitted or let out to anyone. No one person had the full story. I tried to divvy out my stress in doses to all of my support friends. So it really is my own doing that I didn't simply open up more. I thought I could survive and overcome on my own with limited help and that was so very far from the case. I hurt many doing this and I hope that those that read this understand how important it is to reach out genuinely and seek help when you need it. Don't hold it in for your sake and all those you care for. Nobody wins when you are suffering in such a manner.
My job has been incredibly stressful lately to the point that I'm getting panic attacks for the first time in my life and is by far the major reason for my crisis at hand. That is entirely out of everyone's hands but mine. I am in the process of finding a new job and doing what I can to stabilize my health here. Kesh knew quite a bit about my work struggles and how it was hurting me but I don't think they understood just how deep it was. Even now I am continually forced and put into positions and tasks that make me nerve racked and I have repeatedly told them I can't and don't wanna do. It has been so bad that I often show up to work an hour late just to avoid the initial tasks at times using my limited personal time to cover such things.
Another major factor is my current health. I was on a really nice sleep schedule after vacation but it was all thrown out the window as I transitioned to leaning on my friends in the mornings due to stressful work and other things that build up when I'm there. Later and later I would fall asleep and my body started to rebel and be upset and has made thinking clearly and everything compounded because of it. Not to mention I just generally have felt exhausted and irritable throughout the day with such wrecked sleeping schedules which is not fair to anyone as well.
Part of finding a new job has me moving which is also a daunting task in itself and has been just one more weight dropped onto my already broken shoulders. The logistics and leap into something so new is terrifying in itself. I have a lot of fears of failure here. Fears that have viciously wrapped claws around my heart and heavily opened up and made way for all the negative energy flowing through me as of late. Things have just been snow balling day in and day out. And I finally broke apart completely and hit the emergency panic/flee button I knew I was close to. I did try to reach out... but again. it was unfairly toward Pojodan/Kesh. I should have sat down with my immediate best friends or even my family or something but I didn't and I just really asked too much from them simple as that.
Furthermore everything has just been breaking and acting up around me. My pc has been having very odd issues and I can't afford to fix it if it breaks, my cars on and off engine light which is also been worrying me a ton. Especially since I'm about to move... and just my mind and heart. I've felt truly like I've been being punished and beaten down over and over from all directions.
To cap all of this off... a few I've been leaning on lately I found to be steering me around in what they believed to be my best interest instead of trying to get me honest help and advice and uplift me so I could right this darkness. I've left those people behind rightfully so but not soon enough as they had really pushed some of my decisions and overall anxiety up instead of down.
I am getting a lot of help right now. I ask for patience from those I hurt lately. I ask that you don't think of this period of my life as the true me and those that have known me years know that I haven't been my usual self. I'm doing my best to pursue the good bat I know i am. I've been meditating, seeking professional help, getting my health checked, and grasping hold of what's ailing me to fight for my life.
I was so very close to being coaxed into selling and deleting everything about Femukki. And it caused me to do a lot of drastic things at once. I gifted my various personal Star Citizen ships to various friends. I told Pojodan to forget about me like a ridiculous martyr. I scheduled my Discord to be deleted for everyone. I was backing up stuff for friends so I could delete it all and just end it all for myself.... I was at a dark place and I can say right now that I was intercepted. My wrist that held the dagger to end it. Was grabbed firmly by an incredible wholesome and caring friend on twitch. Twitch.tv/Furrknight who i spend my mornings watching. He took the time to grip my arm and talk sense into me when I was at my darkest hour. The hour I almost threw everything away. He echoed the words of Kesh. That I needed to find myself and that I needed to heal and snap out of this tailspin I was in. It was like ice water upon my face. It froze me in shock... then he put advice and a book upon my free hand and gave me direction and the encouragement to begin a new journey to a better me that I'm all in on. Daily I spend my mornings still chatting with them and going over the mental health exercises and stuff I am learning and it truly has been helping immensely just in the short span that we have been working on it. If you appreciate me please give them some love and thanks for being there when I needed it most dire.
I have a long way to go... and I want people to be patient. I don't wanna reconnect or anything right now. I want to fix myself and finish making these important life choices ahead and find a calm standing point once more. Only then will I offer out my hand in peace and genuinely see who is willing to forgive and understand what I'm going through and accept me back.
This is my painful truth and reality. I felt like I was letting everyone down and disappointing everyone and so I fled. It was never about anyone in particular. It was about me and the battle that life threw at me that I was so ill prepared for, to the point I dragged everyone down with me without giving them the advice and notice of why I needed them or what we were up against.
I drug all of those I held most dear into the crossfire of what life had been throwing my way and my inner turmoil. I hurt all of them,
all of my precious loved ones.
I will find my way I can assure that and feel it in my heart, and the support has been truly uplifting but at the end of the day only I can fix myself and it isn't anyone else responsibility. I am truly sorry to those I hurt with my actions and clouded mind.
I only ask that you please believe in what I can be and what you saw in me before this dark cloud came between us all. And know if I hold you close to my heart. I've valued and enjoyed your company from the first day we spoke, played a video game, or put pen to paper. Those first days will always be my foundation with you and what I miss most. Without those first few days of happy elated connection. None of those bonds, fond memories, and joyful laughs and cries would exist.
I pray that all of you remember just how important your friends are. Hold onto those close to you. But also remember they need to breath as well. Don't let things pile up hidden away that your supports simply cannot hold up. Communication is so utterly important in your life and I need to remember that so much. No one can help you if they don't know what mess you are in.
Please do not worry to much as I said about my health. I am currently doing the steps that I need to find my way back into the sky's I so adore to fly in. But thank you deeply from my heart for all the comments and support you all give.
-With eternal thanks and love, Femukki "Kiki" Fledermaus
I'm going to be brutaly open and honest here and say things that I've hidden even from my best friends. But it needs to be done. I'm not proud of my actions lately at all or where I've let myself go. I'm opening up so I can continue to heal and be honest with myself and others as I've always strived to be and make the changes that need to be made before I can be a light or friend to anyone.
I've unadmittedly been suffering a huge amount of depression that has been exasperated and fueled by fears and anxiety of all kinds. I want to be clear. This was not
fault. They did absolutely everything they could to be honest and patient with me as they humanly could and I truly appreciate that effort. Far more than I could ever ask for and far more than I deserved for how I've been this last month. They had their own issues to sort and I was trying to rely on them too much but at the same time... I simply didn't tell them or talk to them plainly and be upfront with my struggles because I didn't want to make them feel responsible for my health and happiness. In the end I bottled things up until they unhealthily reached a breaching point. I do tragically wish I could have simply told them that I was going through things and that I simply needed to depart and collect myself much like they were doing for themselves. So please I don't want to hear anymore from anyone that they pushed me away. They did not. It was my doing and my fault. I made the choice to distance myself from them because I was becoming too unstable and simply wasn't providing them with a healthy friendship. I refused to be a bad influence or pressure them further. That isn't who I wanted to be or how I wanted to treat them ever. Please understand this. There was another more significant reason as well I'll get to in a moment but I really do hope someday that I can mend things with them and we can sit around a pile of Legos and laugh about this period of my life, that I can overcome this depression and laugh about how silly it all was that we both got caught up in it.
But for now.. the heavy part.. my depression has been so deep and pervasive that for the first time in my life I had contemplated suicide on several recent occasions. I will repeat this isn't their fault. There was far more going on in my head and life than I admitted or let out to anyone. No one person had the full story. I tried to divvy out my stress in doses to all of my support friends. So it really is my own doing that I didn't simply open up more. I thought I could survive and overcome on my own with limited help and that was so very far from the case. I hurt many doing this and I hope that those that read this understand how important it is to reach out genuinely and seek help when you need it. Don't hold it in for your sake and all those you care for. Nobody wins when you are suffering in such a manner.
My job has been incredibly stressful lately to the point that I'm getting panic attacks for the first time in my life and is by far the major reason for my crisis at hand. That is entirely out of everyone's hands but mine. I am in the process of finding a new job and doing what I can to stabilize my health here. Kesh knew quite a bit about my work struggles and how it was hurting me but I don't think they understood just how deep it was. Even now I am continually forced and put into positions and tasks that make me nerve racked and I have repeatedly told them I can't and don't wanna do. It has been so bad that I often show up to work an hour late just to avoid the initial tasks at times using my limited personal time to cover such things.
Another major factor is my current health. I was on a really nice sleep schedule after vacation but it was all thrown out the window as I transitioned to leaning on my friends in the mornings due to stressful work and other things that build up when I'm there. Later and later I would fall asleep and my body started to rebel and be upset and has made thinking clearly and everything compounded because of it. Not to mention I just generally have felt exhausted and irritable throughout the day with such wrecked sleeping schedules which is not fair to anyone as well.
Part of finding a new job has me moving which is also a daunting task in itself and has been just one more weight dropped onto my already broken shoulders. The logistics and leap into something so new is terrifying in itself. I have a lot of fears of failure here. Fears that have viciously wrapped claws around my heart and heavily opened up and made way for all the negative energy flowing through me as of late. Things have just been snow balling day in and day out. And I finally broke apart completely and hit the emergency panic/flee button I knew I was close to. I did try to reach out... but again. it was unfairly toward Pojodan/Kesh. I should have sat down with my immediate best friends or even my family or something but I didn't and I just really asked too much from them simple as that.
Furthermore everything has just been breaking and acting up around me. My pc has been having very odd issues and I can't afford to fix it if it breaks, my cars on and off engine light which is also been worrying me a ton. Especially since I'm about to move... and just my mind and heart. I've felt truly like I've been being punished and beaten down over and over from all directions.
To cap all of this off... a few I've been leaning on lately I found to be steering me around in what they believed to be my best interest instead of trying to get me honest help and advice and uplift me so I could right this darkness. I've left those people behind rightfully so but not soon enough as they had really pushed some of my decisions and overall anxiety up instead of down.
I am getting a lot of help right now. I ask for patience from those I hurt lately. I ask that you don't think of this period of my life as the true me and those that have known me years know that I haven't been my usual self. I'm doing my best to pursue the good bat I know i am. I've been meditating, seeking professional help, getting my health checked, and grasping hold of what's ailing me to fight for my life.
I was so very close to being coaxed into selling and deleting everything about Femukki. And it caused me to do a lot of drastic things at once. I gifted my various personal Star Citizen ships to various friends. I told Pojodan to forget about me like a ridiculous martyr. I scheduled my Discord to be deleted for everyone. I was backing up stuff for friends so I could delete it all and just end it all for myself.... I was at a dark place and I can say right now that I was intercepted. My wrist that held the dagger to end it. Was grabbed firmly by an incredible wholesome and caring friend on twitch. Twitch.tv/Furrknight who i spend my mornings watching. He took the time to grip my arm and talk sense into me when I was at my darkest hour. The hour I almost threw everything away. He echoed the words of Kesh. That I needed to find myself and that I needed to heal and snap out of this tailspin I was in. It was like ice water upon my face. It froze me in shock... then he put advice and a book upon my free hand and gave me direction and the encouragement to begin a new journey to a better me that I'm all in on. Daily I spend my mornings still chatting with them and going over the mental health exercises and stuff I am learning and it truly has been helping immensely just in the short span that we have been working on it. If you appreciate me please give them some love and thanks for being there when I needed it most dire.
I have a long way to go... and I want people to be patient. I don't wanna reconnect or anything right now. I want to fix myself and finish making these important life choices ahead and find a calm standing point once more. Only then will I offer out my hand in peace and genuinely see who is willing to forgive and understand what I'm going through and accept me back.
This is my painful truth and reality. I felt like I was letting everyone down and disappointing everyone and so I fled. It was never about anyone in particular. It was about me and the battle that life threw at me that I was so ill prepared for, to the point I dragged everyone down with me without giving them the advice and notice of why I needed them or what we were up against.
I drug all of those I held most dear into the crossfire of what life had been throwing my way and my inner turmoil. I hurt all of them,
all of my precious loved ones. I will find my way I can assure that and feel it in my heart, and the support has been truly uplifting but at the end of the day only I can fix myself and it isn't anyone else responsibility. I am truly sorry to those I hurt with my actions and clouded mind.
I only ask that you please believe in what I can be and what you saw in me before this dark cloud came between us all. And know if I hold you close to my heart. I've valued and enjoyed your company from the first day we spoke, played a video game, or put pen to paper. Those first days will always be my foundation with you and what I miss most. Without those first few days of happy elated connection. None of those bonds, fond memories, and joyful laughs and cries would exist.
I pray that all of you remember just how important your friends are. Hold onto those close to you. But also remember they need to breath as well. Don't let things pile up hidden away that your supports simply cannot hold up. Communication is so utterly important in your life and I need to remember that so much. No one can help you if they don't know what mess you are in.
Please do not worry to much as I said about my health. I am currently doing the steps that I need to find my way back into the sky's I so adore to fly in. But thank you deeply from my heart for all the comments and support you all give.
-With eternal thanks and love, Femukki "Kiki" Fledermaus
I can and will do better
Posted 4 years agoNo I refuse to sulk, I refuse to abandon myself, I refuse to cower and hide between sad icons or emotions. I will wear the smile and memories proudly upon my soul.
Even if they no longer walk beside me. I'm going to walk with my head held high. Whatever happened between us lately... I do believe from the bottom of my heart that Furrknight
,
and many more including myself would want me to do this. To be the best bat I can be. I don't honestly know if I'll ever get to show them what I'll end up being. But I can't let myself be manipulated or held down anymore.
I found out a great many deceits and lies yesterday and they hurt and cut me deeply... but I wont let those define me. I won't let others actions. Or my own chaotic emotions win and conquer my life or use that as an excuse for my own actions lately. I have a strong will and I know it. I will find my way and be the beautiful soul I want to be. And to all those that are trying to hold me back and tell me otherwise or use and manipulate my feelings. Fuck you.
I do believe that one day I will be in a better place. That I'll reconnect and talk with those I cherished so very much that also cherish me, those that had to step away as I figured myself out. So to those that read this. To those that use to find importance in me. Send me your prayers, your faith, your well wishes as I make this journey. Regardless of how you feel about me now. Please send your vibes my way. I know the journey will be rough and jagged but I'm confident in myself that I can pull away this terrible darkness and shadow that has been my life the past month and shine better than I ever have.
I choose to grow from my pain. I choose to grow from my mistakes. I don't want to keep this cycle going. I want to beat it.
Acknowledging all of this has already started to push me into a better state of mind and I feel... a bit more at peace.
I cherish you all and will need all the support I can get.
If you need support as well... please find it and lean on those that you can. We are all in a rough journey through life. Love you all,
-Sincerely, Femukki "kiki" Fledermaus
Even if they no longer walk beside me. I'm going to walk with my head held high. Whatever happened between us lately... I do believe from the bottom of my heart that Furrknight
,
and many more including myself would want me to do this. To be the best bat I can be. I don't honestly know if I'll ever get to show them what I'll end up being. But I can't let myself be manipulated or held down anymore. I found out a great many deceits and lies yesterday and they hurt and cut me deeply... but I wont let those define me. I won't let others actions. Or my own chaotic emotions win and conquer my life or use that as an excuse for my own actions lately. I have a strong will and I know it. I will find my way and be the beautiful soul I want to be. And to all those that are trying to hold me back and tell me otherwise or use and manipulate my feelings. Fuck you.
I do believe that one day I will be in a better place. That I'll reconnect and talk with those I cherished so very much that also cherish me, those that had to step away as I figured myself out. So to those that read this. To those that use to find importance in me. Send me your prayers, your faith, your well wishes as I make this journey. Regardless of how you feel about me now. Please send your vibes my way. I know the journey will be rough and jagged but I'm confident in myself that I can pull away this terrible darkness and shadow that has been my life the past month and shine better than I ever have.
I choose to grow from my pain. I choose to grow from my mistakes. I don't want to keep this cycle going. I want to beat it.
Acknowledging all of this has already started to push me into a better state of mind and I feel... a bit more at peace.
I cherish you all and will need all the support I can get.
If you need support as well... please find it and lean on those that you can. We are all in a rough journey through life. Love you all,
-Sincerely, Femukki "kiki" Fledermaus
Hiatus
Posted 4 years agoI won't be around for some time.
I've come to ruin a good friendship. No matter what I did it turned out wrong. Every attempt at trying to figure myself out and find a way forward ended in disaster.... I just... I need some time alone. I've never hurt this bad in my life. I don't know why those I cherish most I lose. I lost the coolest cat I've ever mat and my best friend in the same week. I'm truly at a loss as to what to do right now.
I feel so utterly destroyed and lost.
I've come to ruin a good friendship. No matter what I did it turned out wrong. Every attempt at trying to figure myself out and find a way forward ended in disaster.... I just... I need some time alone. I've never hurt this bad in my life. I don't know why those I cherish most I lose. I lost the coolest cat I've ever mat and my best friend in the same week. I'm truly at a loss as to what to do right now.
I feel so utterly destroyed and lost.
No Subject
Posted 4 years agoThese are not my words... But they touched me and are relevant and should be heard by others. So please take the time to read and reflect on them as it is important.
Writing this to get my thoughts into order.
To fall and get up again, that's really the essence of life. Not the falling specifically because it's often inevitable, but the getting up part. To see yourself fall - to the stupidest pitfalls - it's the most awful and humiliating experience. However, other people also keep making those same mistakes and you're not angry at them either, you're angry and disappointed if they give up and stop trying to progress from it.
That's why you need to get up, not just for yourself but also for other people. If you stay at the pit, eventually you'll just believe everyone and everything is a failure, yourself included. While comfortable, there's no way forward and you'll probably drag down other people as well.
There's a lot of people out there who are just looking to spot each mistake and say "gotcha", sometimes all the people around are like that, and sometimes it can feel that's all there is even if it's not always true. "Fuck you, I'll show you" has taken me forward in life for a long time, though you can only run on that solo energy for so long. To start believing in other people, to trust they know what will work best for themselves, that they will stumble, then get back up and eventually succeed. Of course that means some people will probably fail a lot and it's going to feel disappointing, the successes will make it worth it. It will not only fuel them but also yourself.
If you keep getting up and trying again, you have never truly failed, regardless of what other people say.
-Neo
Writing this to get my thoughts into order.
To fall and get up again, that's really the essence of life. Not the falling specifically because it's often inevitable, but the getting up part. To see yourself fall - to the stupidest pitfalls - it's the most awful and humiliating experience. However, other people also keep making those same mistakes and you're not angry at them either, you're angry and disappointed if they give up and stop trying to progress from it.
That's why you need to get up, not just for yourself but also for other people. If you stay at the pit, eventually you'll just believe everyone and everything is a failure, yourself included. While comfortable, there's no way forward and you'll probably drag down other people as well.
There's a lot of people out there who are just looking to spot each mistake and say "gotcha", sometimes all the people around are like that, and sometimes it can feel that's all there is even if it's not always true. "Fuck you, I'll show you" has taken me forward in life for a long time, though you can only run on that solo energy for so long. To start believing in other people, to trust they know what will work best for themselves, that they will stumble, then get back up and eventually succeed. Of course that means some people will probably fail a lot and it's going to feel disappointing, the successes will make it worth it. It will not only fuel them but also yourself.
If you keep getting up and trying again, you have never truly failed, regardless of what other people say.
-Neo
Livestreaming the New Tombraider for the next 8 hours
Posted 7 years agohttps://www.twitch.tv/femukki
I'll be chatting with anyone that wants to ^_^ Have a great day for those that read this!
I'll be chatting with anyone that wants to ^_^ Have a great day for those that read this!
Tech Help
Posted 7 years agoAny tech savvy peeps out their headed to AC or live around in or around PA? Needing some hands on help with overclocking and the like on my pc :x Have all the hardware just not all that familiar with the process at hand admittedly x3
7 Days 2 Die and other shenanigans
Posted 7 years agoDiscord - https://discord.gg/Kqm6p8F
Just relaunched our dedicated private server for 7 Days this morning with a fresh save on the brand new server rig I just put together last week. Feel free to drop on by. The servers connection info is in the discord I linked above. Hosting for other games is also available depending on who wants what hosted :D
Small little group of furries atm if you wanna meet some.new folk or bring some friends and set up shop in your own corner.
Hope to see some old and new faces <3
Just relaunched our dedicated private server for 7 Days this morning with a fresh save on the brand new server rig I just put together last week. Feel free to drop on by. The servers connection info is in the discord I linked above. Hosting for other games is also available depending on who wants what hosted :D
Small little group of furries atm if you wanna meet some.new folk or bring some friends and set up shop in your own corner.
Hope to see some old and new faces <3
Song of the Day : Odd Future
Posted 7 years agohttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJxWIsI0DNc
I Keep My Ideals Alive when Destiny Calls
Everything is like a rust escaping me
And we're living in this dark history
Every single excuse I ever made
I just gotta learn to throw them all away
And I think I still remember all my lies.
I was always living with dead eyes
But now I gotta live every day more alive!
Whats Going On?
Well, I Guess that I haven't Finished Yet.
Lived the Day-to-Day, but Never tried to Fix it...
Whats Going On?
Well, I Guess that I'm Different than the Rest.
Now I Recognize this is a Test, yeah...
Dreaming!
Reverse in My Mind, between the Silver Line...
My Hearts in the Sky-
Through the Darkest Night!
Lets Run till the Dawn's first Light!
Dropping the Resolution of the Future.
We're looking away in the Day to Day
Let's try to stop living a Lie.
I keep my Ideals Alive
If you can live through all of the Danger,
And get to the Love and the Dreams, Then You'll be Alright.
Just try not to Fall when Destiny Calls!Feeling pretty down. Anyone up for some chit chatting/gaming
Posted 7 years agoIf anyone wants to play some games like warships, or league, or have some co-op based thing they wanna do please hit me up. Would like to entertain myself a bit.
Song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S34KpOAgyTgDo you remember feeling invincible?
When there was trouble it was us against the world
We kept running, running through the night
Chasing the sun 'til anything felt right
Can you save me now?
I get lost up in the clouds
Can you save me now?
You were my gravity
Can you save me now?
When the ground drops out I get lost in the clouds
Save me now
You were my gravity
Now my world is shattering
Ooooh, you were my gravity
Ooooh, you were my gravity
You left me out there with no one but myself
In an open field for the lightning to strike me down
I was the moon, you were the sun
I can't seem to shine now that you're gone
Now I'm out of orbit cause you left without warning
Are you somewhere better now?
Can you save me now?
I get lost up in the clouds
Can you save me now?
You were my gravity
Can you save me now?
When the ground drops out I get lost in the clouds
Save me now
You were my gravity
Now my world is shattering
Ooooh, you were my gravity
Ooooh, you were my gravity
When you went away, thought I'd never be the same
Would the nightmare ever end?
If I could do it again I wouldn't change a thing 'cause it's made me who I am
And now I'm shattering
Can you save me now?
When the ground drops out I get lost up in the clouds
Save me now
You were my gravity
Can you save me now?
When the ground drops out I get lost up in the clouds
Save me now
You were my gravity
Now my world is shattering
Ooooh, now my world is shattering
Ooooh, you were my gravityThat Time of Year again! :D offloading some PC parts
Posted 8 years agoAs the title says :D I am looking to get rid of a few PC parts due to some recent or upcoming upgrades quite willing to negotiate a fair price for them of course <3
The parts on the table this time are...
An EVGA SSC GTX 970 $225
A pair of 8G G.Skill Ripjaw RAM cards at 2400Mhz (For 16g total) $130 asking
A Corsair K70 Keyboard - $60
And if anyone could help spread the word that would be great :o I am moving and money is a tad tight right now x3
The parts on the table this time are...
An EVGA SSC GTX 970 $225
A pair of 8G G.Skill Ripjaw RAM cards at 2400Mhz (For 16g total) $130 asking
A Corsair K70 Keyboard - $60
And if anyone could help spread the word that would be great :o I am moving and money is a tad tight right now x3
Looking for some good anime :D
Posted 8 years agoSo I have seen a list of these for those who have any suggestions to kinda get a feel for what I have enjoyed so far :D
Ruroni Kenshin
Gundam Wing
Naruto/Shippuden
Soul Eater
Attack on Titan
Outlaw Star
Sword Art Online
Robotech
Fairy Tale
RWBY
Durara
Dragon Ball
Bluse Exorcist
Full Metal Alchemist
Blue Submarine No6
Inuyasha
Fate/Stay Night
Bleach
Eureka 7
Ruroni Kenshin
Gundam Wing
Naruto/Shippuden
Soul Eater
Attack on Titan
Outlaw Star
Sword Art Online
Robotech
Fairy Tale
RWBY
Durara
Dragon Ball
Bluse Exorcist
Full Metal Alchemist
Blue Submarine No6
Inuyasha
Fate/Stay Night
Bleach
Eureka 7
What am I playing these days? :D?
Posted 8 years agoWell currently I'm right back into the thick of Warframe enjoying all the new content and goodies! :D But other than that I'm very frequent on World of Warships, Hero's of the Storm, Mechwarrior online, Killing Floor 2, Battlefield one, Titanfall 2, and quite a bit others! :D Hit me up if you enjoy co-op games! I love playing with others ^-^
Warframe, Mechwarrior, Mass Effect, oh my?!
Posted 8 years agoYup yup that is where you will find me currently!
If anyone games it up on steam or PC feel free to hit me up!
Steam - Kruilya or Femukki
Any other contact info can be found on my profile here ^=^
If anyone games it up on steam or PC feel free to hit me up!
Steam - Kruilya or Femukki
Any other contact info can be found on my profile here ^=^
Just some rambles!
Posted 9 years agoJust wanted to say hello and best of wishes to all my watchers! I <3 you all very much :3 Those that regularly hang out with me and those that do not! Anyways! Have a great day ^-^ -lots of winghugs- Hope all that are heading to MFF have a fantastic time too! Wish I could join in the fun but someone's gotta keep the cave warm! o.o
Get Titanfall for $30 - Nows the time if you want it.
Posted 9 years agoCurrently you can pick it up for Black friday sales for 30 percent off but I also have a code for it anyone can use for an additional 20 percent off if anyone is on the fence about buying it! The code is TITAN20 and will be valid until the 29th of November which will get you a nice 50 percent off discount. Lemme know if this helps anyone or if people play! I love mixing it up with furs on here.
-Sincerely, Femukki
-Sincerely, Femukki
Still looking for PC buddies! :D Also anyone play card games
Posted 9 years agoI recently just bought my first card game since yugioh way back in the day. Friends at work got me to wanna try out Force of Will. Curious if anyone has experience with it! :D
ALso still looking for fuzzy bodies to fill out the battlefield squad :D
So far I got a few!
Furchee - Sniper/Support
Femukki - Assault/Medic
Cameron - Medic/Sniper
Fuery - Support/Sniper
FoxOfTheDarkness - Medic/Sniper
:D still need some more bodies!
Also got Fuery and Cameron on the Titanfall 2 squad ^=^
Also been playing warframe and diablo 3 lately! And I'm always open to other games so just hit me up as always! Just love meeting and gaming with my fellow furs.
-Sincerely, Femukki
ALso still looking for fuzzy bodies to fill out the battlefield squad :D
So far I got a few!
Furchee - Sniper/Support
Femukki - Assault/Medic
Cameron - Medic/Sniper
Fuery - Support/Sniper
FoxOfTheDarkness - Medic/Sniper
:D still need some more bodies!
Also got Fuery and Cameron on the Titanfall 2 squad ^=^
Also been playing warframe and diablo 3 lately! And I'm always open to other games so just hit me up as always! Just love meeting and gaming with my fellow furs.
-Sincerely, Femukki
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