Wandering around twitter and decided I need a new sona... A Cinnamon Toast Shrimp...

Is anyone open for Telegram Stickers? I'm looking for a set for myself and my boyfriend...

How did I end up with such a lovely guy? How did I end up with someone who genuinely cares? How did I get away from such a toxic relationship(we're much better friends then lovers) and end up in the arms of such a gorgeous Wolfymew?

If you have someone special in your life, shout them out but keep it cryptic and see if people can guess who it is... Let's in this world of division and polarization, show that love and mercy do still exist...

Achievement
Shinies Activated!

It's not like anyone will give me any but may as well activate it...

Shit, shit, SHIT!

Ok, I decided to start paying off my credit card bills in earnest. No problem right? being a responsible hooman... Had a couple bills on auto pay... Tried to remove the auto pay so that I could snowball my bills. Apparently Synchrony bank thought me saying "Please remove the Autopay of $300 every month to Newegg as I'm going to only be paying the minimum now" meant "never mind take $300 out of my account this month too, I'll start that next month"

Well shit there is a radical difference of budgeting 700 total for your bills and budgeting 700 with a surprise extra 128 added on top of it... so instead of having $192 to make it out of the month... doable but tight. I now only have $63... grr

there may be a $5 icon-a-thon coming soon...

Ummm Hi

Sorry I've been gone so long, I've been dealing with so much it's insane. So let's see... Where to begin?

I left my job at Planet Fitness, I won't say anything bad about the ground level people the Managers and Staff are boss in my area, to be honest if it wasn't for upper management I'd probably still be there.

I started School 6 weeks ago, I'm gonna be a Cosmetologist! Well I failed Psychology so I'm becoming a Hair-apist! lol (dad jokes are dad)

I also haven't been posting much as far as YouTube Content is concerned but school has always and will always come before YouTube...

So I have a question for you crazy fluffbuts, Scaletails, Featherfiends, and the like... should I post more... hooman pictures? EEP! Run! WHO LET THE FURLESS ONE IN?!? But honestly, should I?

Go ahead, skewer me plz and tell me I is the ugly and don't do it... XD

So I better put up a birthday list... or two...

Birthday lists:

Amazon: http://a.co/gCwCMgg

Steam: my steam ID is Tenpin so send a friend request and I'll accept it. (only way to see the wish list is to be a friend so boo on steam...)

Donate to my Transition fund: https://www.paypal.me/TenpinPlays/ or https://ko-fi.com/wynterrayne

Am I a bad person?

I know I’ve been a jerk to people in the past. I know that this vacation is long overdue. But the reason I don’t take enough “me time” as it were is for moments like this.

Moments where I remember everything I’ve lost, groups I no longer feel comfortable in, organizations that no longer allow my presence, people who have been hurt by me, and people who have hurt me.

I sit here, on a dock over a lake I used to go to often with my family when I was younger and can’t stop thinking about the cousins and uncles and aunts, the brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, a family tree uprooted.

I think of all this hurt and pain and anguish and then I think about who’s currently fast asleep in the cabin, why is he so kind to someone so unworthy of kindness, so caring for someone so worthless, why does he feel he deserves so little that he is with me?

I just don’t know anymore.

And I’m sorry to vent here, but I can’t just keep in my back pocket... good night everyone

One thing I really want for my birthday(August 25), a new ref sheet for Wynter( http://www.furaffinity.net/view/22358090/ ). Not that the is one doesn’t work, or that her design has changed.

But to be honest every time I see it I’m reminded of who drew it. How I ended up having her backstory credited to anyone but the author(me). The memory of how it was almost sold as an adopt.

Time to have a ref I can smile about without the baggage.

Well this is actually funny in a comedy of errors kind of way.

May 15 one of my bosses goes nuts in a very trans-phobic way. (Misgendering, calling me and a trans woman client "freaks", telling me that I didn't have to warn customers with a sign that a "Female worker is in the Male locker room" because "I don't pass well enough for anyone to notice.", accusing me of using my being trans and out of the closet as a "Power Play", etc.)

May 16 I call his boss several times to complain(something I rarely do) and get no responses to the voicemails I leave. I call corporate and well corporate tells me to call the local store and talk to a manager(What the fuck do you think I was trying to do BY DIRECTLY CALLING THE MANAGER?!?)

May 17 I call the district manager and she gets back to me in 30 minutes. And the road to HR hell begins. When I went in to work he was waiting for me and attempted to chew me out in front of coworkers and clients. I finally blew my stack and said "There are no cameras or recording devices of any kind by the loading dock, I'll be there for 10 minutes. Come back there if you have the balls and say your peace!" He never showed... Later the District manager came in (From Iowa to just north of Minneapolis BTW so she had a hell of a trip!) and said she called ahead and he is to no longer be in the gym when you are there and vice versa. She looked shocked when I told her he attempted to confront me earlier in my shift.

May 19 District manager and both of my bosses came in as my shift was ending and we had a pow-wow about what happened. The district manager demanded an apology under penalty of termination from the Bad boss. I spoke up and said I don't want it, a forced apology is worse then one not given in my opinion. That didn't matter to the district manager who proceeded to chew him out (and that is maybe the understatement of the century!) Now the General manager of the gym(the boss of Bad boss but the underling of the District manager) got in my face and demanded to know why I went over her head. I calmly explained that if she had done me the courtesy of returning my phone call I wouldn't have. She then went ballistic and started effing and blinding all over me for "Not being patient enough"(like she would sacrifice her dignity or humanity for a few weeks/days/minutes/seconds longer just so her boss could get back to her... if they EVER DID!) As I was walking out the district manager said "I'm going to pull a favor or two, you aren't going to be in this location much longer. Just trust me and hang in there."

Over the next few weeks I'd get people calling and hanging up(from bad boss's phone number not only at the gym but at my personal phone number), he'd drive by in his truck several times and get out and just stare at me from the other side of the door, show off his gun holster.(that got the police called, got him removed from the area, and had a cop spend the rest of the night at the gym)

June 7 I got to meet my new boss who happens to be the Managerial Trainer, and my new gym is the training facility for General and Assistant General Managers for the Five State region(Minnesota, Iowa, North and South Dakota, and Wisconsin). As I have worked as this in the past I informed her that I have acted as a LGBT consultant in the past so if there were any questions she needed to know or was just curious about, please don't hesitate to ask.

June 8 I get a blistering phone call from my now ex GM. She is going off about how bad boss is now being sent to the training location to be reeducated on LGBT issues and how to be more sensitive toward members of the LGBT community. That I was "hurting her business as now she had to come in and work behind the desk for the next five weeks" (Cry me a fucking river, you mean you actually have to do your job for FIVE WHOLE WEEKS?!? what is this world coming to? Wait a second... I work at said training location now... oh fuck.)

I get a call from the distinct manager telling me that she was excited that bad boss will be retrained by the new LGBT consultant at the training facility so they may be able to do as I had asked and not fire bad boss...(No fucking good deed...) When I told her that I think I know who the LGBT consultant was the gulp could be heard without the phone... She got her boss on the line and her boss told me that to hell with what HR has said I was to tell my new GM EVERYTHING and let the chips fall where they may. So I called my new GM and told her that the regional manager has ordered me to tell you this(above) and btw thanks for telling me that I had a new title...

Bad ex boss is going to be retrained somewhere else...

Chaos has erupted I haven't even started working there yet!

Fuck my life!

My boyfriend asked if I would make him a character. He even chuckled about this being a "fursona".

on a side note. I hate how non furries mock some things about our fandom but oh well, he's cute so I'll let it slide. Besides the virus starts with us all at some point... *rubs paws together*

I know how much he loves the vampire lifestyle and romantic goth fashions. And I know this adds up to a bat. But I’m trying not to go in the obvious direction or add a vampiric element to another animal type if I can help it. And no the Minnesota state bird of Mosquito is out of the question. I may still go with the bat idea as it would be easiest, but I would love to hear another idea.

I'm not doing all that well.

I've been trying so hard to force myself to be happy and I'm failing.

Friends leave, Work now sucks, any hope of leaving all but gone.

Boss says "There is a light at the end of the tunnel"

Yeah sure, problem is it is a freight train heading my direction...

I need a little hope.

I’m so tired, tired of feeling so ugly, tired of the self-consciousnesses, tired of not being able to shake the feeling that despite what my friends irl, my boyfriend, and my Facebook friends say, I’m just going to have to accept being the female version of Quasimodo. That although most in my life accept me being transgender the only voices I ever hear are the ones who say “look at the freak”.

I’m tired of looking in a mirror and knowing that passing is just a dream, that it is good that my boyfriend had been gay his entire life so that he isn’t repulsed by me, I know he tries and he does act like a perfect gentleman but I can’t shake this feeling that if I looked anywhere near how I saw myself he’d never look at me with the love he does now.

I’m tired of family who on one hand says with tears in their eyes “I accept you for who you are.” Then behind my back say “I’ll not help with this trans shit” despite not being asked to do anything. Or asking if they can use “Nick” as opposed to “Nicole or Nikki” as apparently even an androgynous form of my name is a bridge too far.

Why couldn’t I just have been normal? Why couldn’t I have just kept my big mouth shut? For as much as I hated the closet and what I had to do to remain in it, at least I wasn’t so alone. Why did I even bother leaving in the first place…

Sorry if this is too much of a vent or TMI. But to be honest this depression sucks especially due to the cause being so unchangeable...

To gloat when the person who was trying to get you fired was fired themselves? Just gotta last till the 15th because my boss was kind to them and gave them a two week heads up that they would no longer be in the schedule...

<_<
>_>

who gives a fuck if it is wrong? Fucker you got what you deserved! When you point a finger at others you are pointing 3 fingers at yourself! You failed, you looked like you couldn't hack it, you were a toxic person to the rotation. and now na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, GOOD BYE! Not only that I'll be getting back to a 4 day schedule so my transition fund will start growing again!(if anyone wants to help on that there is links below for ko-fi, paypal, and patreon) I can't wait for things to get back to normal...

On the transition front, if you will pardon the pun... things are busting out! lol. I've started some growth and now due to sensitivity have started wearing a bra under tee shirts... I know TMI. Don't care.

This past week has really been trying, Even though I got my new name tag last week. (replacing the one with my old name) and even though I got trained on a new piece of equipment (with this floor scrubber I will rule the planet of fitness!!! #MUAHAHA!!!!!!)

No it started with me all but getting FIRED! I started work with a call over by my boss and she wanted to know what was up with this letter of a text that my now definitely EX friend (redacted). Apparently according to the letter, I'm the worst person in the world. I'll never come in for my other coworkers, I talk no end of smack to customers, I can't do anything on the computer, I hate my hours being cut, I can't clean the bathrooms, and I'm a general jerk.

Let's take this one charge at a time

"I'll never come in for my other coworkers."

I will not come in for (redacted) as they never come in for me. I come in for anyone who does the same for me.

My boss's verdict. Not Guilty.

"I talk no end of smack to customers."

I really don't know where this came from considering that (redacted) keeps coming to me begging me to deal with a customer that they have riled up.

My boss's verdict. Not Guilty.

"I can't do anything on the computer."

I'll admit that I'm not where I should be on the computer. But it is hard to get gud at signing up new customers when you only get 1 every other week! It is the curse of 3rd shift. However I know how to do it. and last night I proved to my boss that I can do it without assistance.

My boss's verdict. Provisionally Not Guilty (they know I know how to do it, I just have to get better at it and that will come with practice)

"I hate my hours being cut"

At most I said "Woah, I can't believe that my hours were slashed in half, I guess it is just until the new girl gets fit into the rotation." I understand that this is a growing phase, we just hired a 4th person, hours are about to get wonky for a bit. I'll live.

My boss's verdict. Not Guilty

"I can't clean the bathrooms"

The only bad habits I have in the cleaning department came from (redacted)'s training! Once corrected I've yet to do it wrong again. I've gotten better after I started (redacted)'s training.

My boss's verdict. Not Guilty.

"I'm a general jerk"

Guilty as charged. But I don't go leaving notes to my bosses because I got a case of butthurt over who knows what.

When we got done with our chat my boss produced a sheet of paper that was the equivalent of a pink slip with my name on it and said "well I guess we can throw this out."

YES! YES WE CAN! I GOT AN IDEA LET'S SHRED IT! AND THEN FIND THE SHREDS AND BURN THEM!!!

Two days later

My boss calls me. I thought to give me more hours. Nope it’s now ask a transmission time! Cool as how you gonna know if you no ask right?

“Although we have a transgender person here I’ve never been able to get her to talk about it. Since you are just starting would you be willing to talk about it?”

I’m a open book “boss”. What’s up?

“That’s good, (redacted) keeps saying it’s not my job to educate you.”

Umm, call me crazy here but if you want your boss to make it easier for you during transition... aren’t you in a prime position to give a education? Ask away!

“That’s good as (redacted) threatened to go to HR if I asked anything. So...”

<_<
>_>
O_o

Really all they ever do is bitch about how nobody supports them and how transphobic our bosses are, and they haven’t explained why to them?!?

Are you shitting me?!?

I’ve just spent 5 hours explaining everything from what it feels like to be transgender, to what hormones will do, how long it will take, to my dressing habits away from work, would I consider wearing makeup to work, how I would feel working with customers who aren’t “kind” to transgender people, etc.

I hope she has a better understanding now. And I’ve said I’m always willing to talk about it because get this, a manager CAN’T FIX A PROBLEM IF THEY DON’T KNOW THERE IS ONE!!! AND IT ISN’T FAIR TO THEM NOT TO GIVE THEM THE INFORMATION!!!

Saturday

(Redacted) demanded to talk to me. First time they were early BTW...

“Management demands we talk about this.”

Funny how they only told you that. They told me that I was to go through them if I had an issue with you because that is the rules you created. I’m to have as little to do with you as possible last I heard from our bosses.

“I don’t appreciate you talking behind my back to our coworkers.

I’ve still got nothing to say to you. But smack talk about coworkers isn’t cause to attempt to remove me from employment. All I know is I’ve never told the truth about you to people who would fire your ass. Now if you don’t mind I’m going to do my job. And I left them sputtering.

Tomorrow I come full circle and probably will be running into my boss again.

Frankly every penny this job provides is going directly into my transition fund so I really don’t want to lose this job... but at this point it would probably be better for my mental health...

Kind words would be appreciated as I’m at my last nerve... I don’t even want to play video games and that is downright close to terminal for me...

First day on Spiro and Estrogen (in patch form) don’t feel that different except for a couple minor anxiety attacks. Is it from body chemistry changing or just excited that after 20 years it is starting...

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8595484/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8595484/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8595484/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8595484/
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8595484/

Ever have post nasal drip so bad you can barely breathe?

I have.

Ever loose consciousness begging for help?

I just did.

Ever wake up on a different level of a house, wonder how you got there, and the only response was “take these pills”?

That just happened.

Over the course of the past two hours I learned something. Never be without my phone, as nobody will call 911 if I’m unable to breathe...

Hey everyone, in this season of giving a dear friend of mine isn't doing all that well.

I just talked to her on Discord and she is in a very dark place, I know this feel all too well. Can you all do this for me head over to her FA and shout some love at her? I know she hasn't asked me to do this but please let this stitch mainiac know how much we'd miss her. I'd love to see her page blow up with well wishes.

Her page is  lunariadragomere

If anyone wants to give her a coffee or any amount the easiest way is the link below.
https://ko-fi.com/hachidraws

I keep hearing about the love and kindness we furs have for one another. Well right now I know she can really use it.