"Tell me my dear, can a heart still break once it's stopped beating? Hm? "

And I know that I am dead
Yet the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it's not real
For it seems that I still have a tear to shed

Yet I feel my heart is acheing
Though it doesn't beat it's breaking
And the pain here that I feel
Try and tell me it's not real
I know that I am dead
Yet it seems that I still have some tears to shed

I'm back but not. Possibly forever. Can a heart break this many times and still be saved? I think not.

So after a few more minutes no more FA until December 29th most likely. Just not something I'm sure I can use at Chez religious parents house.

Btw, never drink that much wine, I think I'm going to die..

Also won't have aim..If you want to reach me and keep me from going (more) insane my email is kyorei@hotmail.com!

Lordy the wine hurts...

With that I'm off to another 8 hr day at work, class, dinner, packing, friend's ride to airport and won't have net access again till tomorrow!

As I listen to it whirring and clicking..my compy just did it's fanfare music and ejected said burnt cd...that contains the last of my finals for school this week.

I'm not sure whether to laugh, cry, or beg for many hugs and pettings because I'm a nervous wreck (add to that pms and overworked and underpaid..) and all I really...really want at this point is :

A C or B for my independent study (he said I'd get a "Good grade"..)
A C for Advanced computer illustration
An A for my art history...because fucking hell I put in so much work to that class I made my eyes twitch and did twice the size paper of everyone else goddamnit!

....
leave love. Kitties NEED love right now. And rum. And the holy blessed beautiful rum is nestled snugly above the fridge and singing sweetly "kittttttyyy"..

Went to take my monthly meds...(only 5 days late but the never ending migraines finally made me remember why!!!).
Pick up syringe from pharmacy.
Fill said syringe with last bottle of happy b-12.
Go into Nurse Kitty mode and inject myself.
Feel a wet trickle down my leg and fear the worse.
Look down and find all the medcine on the outside..not inside. Wah???

There's a tiny itty bitty microscopic whole in the syringe.. *blinks* Call pharmacy and beseech them to give me a replacement and needle.

And I quote from the pharmacist...

"In my 20 years working here I've never heard of a needle having that problem!! Wow kid you have some luck. We won't have it ready till tomorrow though..."

*blinks and looks at thigh* And my brain just put 2+2 together=having to restick myself tomorrow..ARGH!

Back to finals..

So I've been mia, not sure if anyone's noticed too greatly but I do come home or online to find the occasional im of "poke".

Finals are chugging along, finishing a picture today for Wednesday then 3 digital pieces for Monday..after which I'm done again for a bit.

Yeap boring life for me right now!

If you love me you'll kill me right?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GG9hgJ3d3MU

Gah..I look like shit being sick but they were cute earlier before dinner.. >.>

zombie plague is winning.
Must go sleep because half our store is out sick too and I have to open at 5....brains sound good right about now..

Please shoot me before I turn? Aim for the head???
I can die without regrets T_T ...cept brains really do sound good...

I'm sure this is just the 101 fever, the chills, and the inability to walk without holding onto something talking...I mean, come on, I know I've been infected by the plague and I'm just waiting to turn..but..

Looking the mirror just now, I can't think of anything good that is happening or about me.

Maybe when the plague finishes it's run I'll feel better about things..for now it's time to try and head to work as no one can take my shift and I hope to God I don't pass out there..

Lost in a dying world I reach for something more
I have grown so weary of this lie I live

I could go in depth but short, sweet, and dramaless said it best.
On a temporary hiatus...see you all later.
If you need to reach me, you know where to find me.

Best,

Kyorei

Quoting a friend today as I danced/skipped through an art store, "When your happy, you are so damned cute and awesome."

Yeah when I'm happy, which has been for the majority of the week though I still feel twinged with sadness if I allow myself time to think to myself..so what better excuse then to not think? ^^; It's easier being a ditz! Just call me odango atama~

But in other news, there was entirely not enough Jame's Bond Butt in the new film though the massive amounts of explosions and wince worthy scenes almost, ALMOST, made up for it. I was spoiled when he was tied naked to that chair in the last film...oh man..good stuff...*shiver*

Comic books, some good food, Jame's bond hot action, new art supplies...almost a perfect day.

Though I dreamt last night I cut off all my hair (think M from the new Bond film's) to a shorn pixie and had it pink and black...*debates*

*shivers* So...new england hates me and decided to do a 360 from the 70s on Sunday to the 20-30's this week...

Prolly didn't help I was running around in t-shirts and a cotton spring jacket ^^:

One road trip to the mall in NH later and I'm in a comfy quilted jacket that is ultra cute (ok and warm). Thank god for credit cards!

It was that or there was going to be nipple loss at this rate!

Today has been a good albeit bad at moments day..

I think I baked around 6 dozen organic Liver and Chedder dog biscuits for my dogs and let me tell you this...they better fuckin' love mommy whose pmsing and was fighting down wave after wave of naseau to puree...liver.

Oh god. I never want to see liver again. *shudders* Or smell it...I think I have a new archenemy.

Treats were a smashing success though, will post pics tomorrow.

A new/old friend I ran into Monday randomly stopped by on his way from picking up a rental car tonight. Good times were had though a few awkward moments at dinner. I actually ate-a bit today! I feel really sick now though..erk. Why did toasted almond tira misu have to call to me..Why did said friend order rolled eggplant and riccotta...Gah. Tricks to make me gain weight!

He also said it was cute to see me curled up in a closet sitting among shoes talking on the phone when he woke up from his nap on my couch.. >.> I talk to people in weird places that make me feel comfy and safe...closet being one of them.

Also, i'm trying to remember I'm pmsing and sometimes friends can say things that hurt one another without meaning to (wording people, always remember that words can cut deep..) but that doesn't make them any less of a friend. It doesn't take the bittersweet edge away but have to keep repeating the mantra in my head. It just stings because I was hoping for recognition or some sign they were proud of me and I felt let down. A talk with another good friend helped me through that and many thanks to him.

You know who you are:

Who understands it all
reaches out each time we fall
you're the best friend i have found...

Story time kids. Gather round and listen to Miss Aly. Come on settle down, this one is a good story, full of action and adventure! Ok, ok I lied. Just my life but if you stare at my tits and pretend to listen that will be fine too.

Once upon a time Miss Aly had to paint a fairy tale painting for her sometimes wicked independent study teacher who told her in his honest opinion, just all the other teachers, that because of her lack of inspiration she wasn't going to pass Senior Jury in the spring. Miss Aly shed many a tear on this matter and life was hard. Not even the little fuzzy animals that tended to her could help her.

Fast forward kiddos.

Miss Aly finished her painting yesterday and stood back and admired it. "This isn't bad" she though. "In fact I think it's quite good!" She went in full of courage ready to brave the beast and his sharp words, this independent teacher from New York who works for Marvel comics.

She steps into the ring and hands him the picture after pleasantries are exchanged.

"Let's get it on! Make this a good clean fight!"

She eyes him warily, goes into her stance and has her dukes up, waiting to throw the first jab. He hasn't said a word yet, is just looking at her painting. Finally, he turns and look's her straight in the eyes:

"Alyson, this is FUCKING AMAZING"

Bam. Pow. Miss Aly is down on the floor, that uppercut came out of nowhere! Blind sided, the bastard! She thought..

SHe warily pulls herself out. He isn't done yet. Blow after blow he rails upon her. There's no escaping it!

Kerpow! How did you ever do this??

Slam! Are you sure you did this?

Smack! The colors are gorgeous, this is..just wow!

Aly's down on the floor. Why won't they call KO??? She's panting and can't take anymore!

"I'm not used to praise at this school after 3 years of abuse!" She cries.

He goes for the killing blow now. "This is so amazing..I just..hold on" He picks it up and carries it under the good lighting and whips out a camera and begins to take pictures. "I have to show this to some people. If you can do 3 more like this..senior Jury will be a cake walk for you.!"

3..2..1.. DING! Fight's over. She's out cold.

He pulls her up and says "Give me your hand. I have to shake it now and you deserve to be called an illustrator today."

Who won kids? Miss Aly isn't sure as you can see from the bruises she just suffered. But today I am full of win and I am fucking awesome.

The End!

So...today started off with me feeling incredibly ugh as a friend rang my phone while I was conked out on happy pills for pms last night and resulted in a 10 minute convo I don't remember till he realized I was asleep..(Yes I talk in my sleep..).

Get to work, somewhat grouchy..NO CUSTOMERS. We wait around and finally get a trickle in. Yay busy time! I managed half a banana on break and came back to omg wtf where did you guys come from crowd! O.o For 3 1/2 hours...we had no stopping. I had to restock the condiment bar 3 times..Argh! Add to that the head honcho came in to evaluate employees, our boss, and our store. At some point I'm filling the condiment bar and this happens:

Boss: Alyson meet >head person<
Me: Umm hi! *tries to shuffle jars in hand and wipe hand from cleaning onto something*
Boss: she works 20-30 hrs a week and a is a real little go getter.
HB: I'll say she is! *shakes hand and looks over*

I turn around and start heading back when I catch this
HB: That's the way I like my meat.
Boss: Excuse me?
HB: That little girl that was just here. That's the way I like my meat. Very nice job.
Boss: *laughs* Yeah well she's only been here a month and a half but gets good tips..

O.o I don't know whether to be flattered or amused by 50 yr old man rating me as steak...

Why did I even bother with that last submission

Today, I don't feel sad. I'm tired and feeling very drained but for some reason I feel at peace. Maybe it was being recharged by familar faces and the feeling of being wanted and loved by friends.

I'm actually even liking the painting I'm doing for class for my children's book. I'll scan it in for later at this rate.

And now DHT is calling me.

I don't know where your going and I don't know
But listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye

Peace everyone.

My teacher is out sick with pneumonia or something and since I'm the only one who commutes to school (30 minute drive and $10 parking..) he made sure someone called to let me know not to come in.

Awww...!

So my ex-roomie/friend has pestered me/ sorethumb to go out and eat all week.

I could tell he was trying to cheer me up-
We split a bottle of pricey Plumwine/sake that is to die for
He bought my favorite Jump Shrimp Shumai with mustard wasabi and Takoyaki and paid for it...

I got some sushi with eel and tamagoyaki in it..didn't really like so he treated me to a melon pan and an an pan at the bakery later to make up for it.

So after stuffing the kitty and  sorethumb bought me bubble tea, we're driving back and I was nibbling on the melon pan (it's stale after one day...) and he says "That's how kitties should always look, so cute when stuffing their faces."

Now I feel really guilty though for eating after not eating for so long so..must work out tomorrow.

But..he bought me some really cute kitty stationary and I saw glitter, puff bubble kitty stickers...and want to make sweet sweet love to them right now.

I've never felt so angry and betrayed and hateful towards someone as I do right now.

Someone just did the unforgivable. I hate them more right now then I can put into words. The sheer amount of loathing and seething mass inside of me sickens me. I didn't think I had it in me to feel like this.

I will not forgive them. There are somethings that just do no warrant it. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I'm now paying for listening to someone's advice and their "best intentions". Their best intentions involved driving a wedge and positioning themselves where I was. Is that a friend? No, that is a horror that is too unspeakable to have a name. I wouldn't even debase a snake by comparing them.

I'm angry at myself at even letting them in. I feel betrayed by a mutaul friend. I don't know if things can be salvaged. How easy it is that love can turn distant and cold like the north star. It seems so far out of reach and unattainable. I used to feel there was happiness there, even if I didn't tell him. Ever fall in love with someone you shouldn't fall in love with? How you can love a friend so dearly that betrayal of this like can sicken you like a poison. It's gnawing at my gut, worming it's way in deeper into the farthest recesses of my soul. I feel like everything is lost and tarnished.

I'm a private person, I withdraw when I'm upset so as not to burden others because the last thing in the world I want to be is an annoyance. I'm told this is fine..then it's not..then it is. I want to scream outloud into the sky, a raw, bitter primal sound till my throat cries out from the pain.

I think my heart is breaking or is broken, I can't tell anymore. I want it to go away, far away where no one else can hurt it again.

The people involved will probably read this. I'm not mincing any words. I am feeling so utterly wretched right now that it's just bubbling to the surface and has to overflow somewhere befofe I shut down and go completely numb.

This is what you get for trusting people, for having faith, for loving. Love is a lie. It's a beautiful sweet lie.

Last night as I went to bed I fell alseep pondering that who I am now is not who I used to be or even who I identify myself as anymore. I found a cache of photos on my computer from when I first moved to Massachusetts. Looking back I'm disturbed.

I went from never leaving the house without makeup/hair/gothesque punk outfits on to not caring anymore. Corsets were a daily part of my clothing cycle. I almost never wore pants. There was a time my hair would never be the same each month, same with boyfriends or girlfriends. I lived life to the fullest each day and damn what other people wanted or felt. I worked out, I went clubbing, I had flings, I partied. There were mornings with hangovers, cigar taste in my mouth from kissing a boy I'd just met..

I was the top star of my Japanese class and if one jealous boy in it talked badly about me my teacher would threaten failure. I kept strange hours and for weeks at a time was too busy to be online. I gamed and went to D&D groups...A girlfriend and I broke into the boys restroom on our campus and stole the condom machines then painted them and hung them in her boyfriends room.

I may not have been beautiful but I was still decently attractive and my attitude drew boys to me. I reveled in being a mistress for many. I was loved and I gave love in return. My friends flew me to California for X-mas because I just "Rocked".

In short I lived.

Now I work and go to class and just hope to escape home at the end of each day and hole myself up inside away from the world. What happened?

Not sure if I will be going back to Fur Fright 09 after the dramaz that happened.
There was much good like seeing  marcleonhardt and  eradragon again.. We roomed with  yiffer_fox which is always good times.

Met the awesome  daigo who was extremely sweet (though I feel bad he had to leave our room with Yiffer sat morning bc of drama...).

Also met  dragoneer and we ate massively huge alien egg fried green tea ice cream. I wish I'd taken a picture!

The bartender was the most awesome man I've ever met when it comes to drinks and a peep at a blue polka dot bra scored me 2 freebies!

Lastly, I am mood swinging emotionally still right now after what happened Saturday night and probably will for a bit so please bear with me. Somethings happened at the con I'd rather not talk about in public on here, those that know, well that's fine.

Needless to say, thanks to everyone who helped me out there and took care of me *hugs*.

I feel like there must be something wrong with me. I try very hard, I'm supportive of people. Lately it amounts to nothing. Trying doesn't mean accomplishing does it?

I feel like a stray cat, locked outside looking in on people who don't want you. That goes for just about everyone. I find myself withdrawing from conversations or places because everyone else seems "blindingly bright" and I have nothing to say that is funny/smart enough. So I stop talking.

This is not an emo post. I'm just confused and lonely.

I wear a mask
and play a part
for many different people
Which face do you see today?

I just realized I've been awake for 7 hours already today..

.....
That's most of a day already...
.....

O.o

No wonder I'm so freaking hungry/tired. Geez! Gbye circadian rhythm!!!

Got this from someone else so figured I might as well since ppl say I can be aloof at times..

What do you ppl NOT know about me

1. I was a punk goth girl during highschool, fishnets, always in trouble, smoking in the bathroom, running with the bad crowds for a year before 2 boys smoking pot (one driving) nearly crashed his car into another to try and get me to "Do him". Didn't impress me, made me wake up lol.

2. I was accepted into college as an Opera singer. I'm still pretty nifty at it.

3. I've dated lots of men but only loved a few.

4. My first REAL kiss was from a girl on the last day of summer camp.

5. I wanted to be a vet but wasn't smart enough at the math.

6. I have a semi photographic memory. I once memorized all the bones in the human body without meaning to and overaced the midterm in Bio class.

7. I think I'm spiritual but it's a mix of zen/buddhism/spirituality/wiccan/crystal lore/etc. I don't know what I am, but I'm something all right.

8. As much as I say I hate small children, I really get along well with them and love holding babies..

9. I have an irrational fear of never having enough money and horde it when I can.

10. I also want to learn new things be it a language or a craft..I never seem to master any of them completely though!