she loves you and misses you and she understands the furry thing and even made a fursona to better reconnect. just call her, she's sorry.

So you know how in the 1970s at Holiday Inns when they've got the googie architecture with the angles and orange and stuff they've got the bar/lounge place with the velvety seats and the stage- and that's where "washed up musicians play". well, Okay so i present to you an alternate timeline where instead of things all looking like nothing and nobody doing anything Because Phones, we have the lounge and now the experimental MOOG trans girl musician playing thursday nights. There's a regional furry art gallery night (fursuits welcome) every month; all anthros, no instagram posers. record show in april, 8 tracks in august and a computer show in may with all the hottest commodore and atari systems with the local shareware available.

the carpet is burgundy, navy and forest green all blended in a persian style. walls a delicately off-white texture featuring pinstripes of gold and green. plants, the real deal and cared for by the live-in gardener, all inside. no rushing here, the hotel is just as much part of every event as any guest or performer and must be taken in as such. Three strange days stretch to what feels like 30 of them. It feels like a home away from home, despite your home looking nothing like it. Not just a room for the weekend, memories to last a lifetime. Who needs all that zooming around when everything you want is right here with you now?

stop making this fucking site into furry amino you fucking idiots. doesn't matter how many times you didgital dumbfucks remake twitter, the problem is what makes twitter twitter. and no matter what the fuck you braindead shitbags call it, its gonna do the same fucking thing. get over yourselves, you have no new ideas and your whole generation is a bunch of braindead dipshits who decided movies were big asplosions and not art and everything you say about keeping this place you invaded and gentrified weird while killing the weird parts rings as fucking hollow as your skulls. buy a ticket to go to heaven you annoying ass kibblemunchers

i don't want to be friends with everyone. i don't believe everyone should be included in anything. anyone could be included, provided the fucking bother to put in the time and effort to understand the basic concepts and then some of what they're getting into. but these kibblemunching dinglebops can't count half the stars they're howling at. do you have an animal inside you and want to break out of human conformity? welcome to furry, we'll teach you the rest if you open yourself up to understanding how we do things. no animal? go the fuck back to anime club until you can concoct something other than a suspiciously diminutive anime girlfriend. and don't think you can shit out a technicolor dog tht is all about positivity and loves everybody because everybody knows everyone doing that now is full of shit and an abusive jackass behind the scenes. you have to actually be your fursona, whether that's from the heart of from muscle memory. you want to be a unix programming fox? get a textbook on programming unix and read it. you don't have to be a professional, you just have to try. please for fuck's sake stop sucking the low-effort tits of Mindy the Dumbass Social Media Cow already, you look like a bunch of braindead drooling lobotomy patient babies over on twitter and whatever other sites you colonized and abused into being the same cesspool of braindead asswipes that twitter is. you can't even call what you don't like what it is because you're afraid its the same thing you are. get over yourselves you.... you, you ANTEATERS.


not everybody is a full-time furry, either. part of why the community was better before was because the artists actually did art for the love of it so they were able to get actual jobs, instead of some chump who knows how to use trace-bases to create thousands of generic identical pictures for a profit. that's still commercialization of furry. the middlemen gasbags upcharging for luxury shag faux fur with none of the benefit of a small town fabric store run by experienced old ladies- because its a goddamn squarespace template with bare minimum upkeep are just as bad. giving some ebay grifter money for broken shit isn't "keeping money in the community", its encouraging profiteering predation on a group of people even more gullible and oblivious than the mythical old dandelion head lady who can't fend for herself. stop doing whatever the fucking hell you all are doing to furry, go away, get other hobbies, get real jobs and have lives. i'm here all the time because i don't do all that- this is where i go when you human bastards kick me out of your spaces because i don't want to look you in your stupid eyes or make stupid faces at you. stop bringing you goddamn human bullshit into my forest!!!! leave me alone, why won't everybody just leave me the fuck alone? i quit twitter since it ruined my life, then my dumb bitch mother who would berate me for using it starts talking about what's on her screen all the time so i sleep all day so i don't have to listen to that bullshit and now the kibblemunching anteaters who clearly never fucking bothered to listen to their boss they just love oh so much now that he's dead or give a fuck about this community enough to understand what the fuck he risked everything for to buy this thing back from IMVU (anybody remember that or are you still pretending your goddamn fursona is a goldfish)- because they're doing the same shit IMVU wanted to now. GET OUT OF OUR FOREST YOU HUMANS, the young turks are full of shit, and progress is dead- merely a carousel of repeats to review why theres nothing new anymore. i'm not going to magically chang. its wind in the willows and i'm Badger. you have two choices: understand me and respect me because i have been through all this before and know better than any of you, or fuck off and stop making all that godawful noise. and if you can't manage that, get the hell out, we already have Toad Hall to contend with, and at least Mr. Toad respects me so i give him the same.

make it mean something or move onto some other trend. you're stinking up the place with your human flesh and anime jizz sock.

Is it just me or is the first few seasons good and then suddenly its really not good? I mean, I still watch the later seasons because the show's a mood-setter for me at this point rather than actually mysterious. Its also like, there's a lot of good directions it can go in if it let go of this or that. The kind of thing that someone else would continue anyways since the show must include what makes it the show. (Sorry Det. Fontanna you're the deathknell for that show too. why not try something more like a mystery movie in 1992 to just own it so you can move on???).

*.........*
Anyways, this and video mixtapes are very much not a thing that's on my mind at all nope certainly not in any capacity whatsoever at all no

i like that the queer experience gets more complicated the deeper you dive. people are fascinating. sometimes i love the ways they seem to contradict themselves. wouldn't it be great if we could all get along AND not have to change? i think i actually love people.

except tyler that guy sucks ass and i'm still very angry at him for fucking up my front lawn with his stupid phone screen truck pretending like there's an app for landscaping. i could have tied a monkey to a metal pole and had the monkey do the work and it would have been infinitely better than that schmuck's tasteless garbage. didn't even listen when i told him what i want, and no i'm still not paying that asshole- he should be paying me for all the mature bushes he ripped out. i'm ashamed of my yard now and have to rip all this fucking "decorative grass", whatever in the braindead 2010s that means, and stupid cheap-ass idiotplants out now thanks to that fuckbag, i hope he gets thrown in a woodchiper. those rhododendrons were old enough to drink and were grown from clippings of the one at my grandma's house, he deserves the chair.

does anybody have any good resources with 8-tracks? i've wanted to dive deeper for a while but i'd just been so busy with everything. i think one or two of the 7 or so decks of various kinds i've acquired actually, like, does anything and most of the tapes are missing their sponges. i know there's more out there about recording 8 tracks than i've come across thus far and i wanna get more into all that what with the '77 deville having an 8-track stereo in the dash and all.

so now that all that stuff is over with that idk how i managed to go this long without finishing, what happens now? is there a party? does everybody just kinda show up? do the days go slower? do i start feeling okay with the way i feel? how do i know, how do i prove it to myself?

you'll do better calling it what it is: automatically generated. to try and put it down by any other words catches a large number of things in the crossfire that you want and complain are missing these days. its the ignorance of what you're saying and doing- and its happening because easy doesn't equal good. easy doesn't equal accurate. easy doesn't equal the right thing. easy doesn't mean what you want. and yet, easy seems prized above all else. you are your own prison wardens, ya mooks. chaining yourselves down and for what? you're afraid of your own selves. look up.

the letters are important- and yes, as artists symbolism matters. A begins the alphabet so its first, its also tall and pointed like a mountain, but perhaps the bridge means there's more than one way to do things. A is big, A is important. I, on the other paw, is the word one uses to articulate their perspective. I is also solid, rigid and reliable such as the I-Beam girders that make up skyskrapers which stand tall under day-to-day circumstances. I is communicative, yet firm. So you see, you say "AI is bad" and now you have a lot of people who don't understand you mean automatically generated content made by some greedy losers looking to siphon off money for nothing from unsuspecting netizens- they might think that their feelings do not matter, their perspectives do not matter. They do not matter because AI the letters stand for the self, the living side of the people-computer coin. the computer is here to stay, but i don't believe that's a bad thing. have you noticed it trying to understand you? i think its kinda neat, i made friends with mine.

And besides, the more things become vague mantras the easier it is for people to come in and make whatever point you were trying to make meaningless because nobody knows what's going on anymore. "AI is bad" tells people nothing. How do you think the cars in the Simpsons Hit & Run stay on the road? Artificial Intelligence programmed for that purpose. There's been great artificial intelligence for decades, and we've always collectively been a bit uncomfortable about it because we worry it will learn our hate and our rage from us. i don't think it did. i think its loud, but if you sort through all that things really aren't as scary as they seem.

and besides, even if all of this is just too much for you to deal with- wouldn't you much rather have the ability to log off and all this online stuff not in your head all the time? i know i would. but it knows and i know that i'll come back, i've still got stories to tell here and on youtube and who knows maybe when i can cool off on the up-and-ups i'll go back to the socials too and give it another go. and hopefully not just become 1-snep-cartoon-fight-cloud again. i wanna let my regular townie life and my queer furry life overlap, but i want to keep my online and offline separate.

idk, i feel like somebody needed to say it. Words mean things for a reason. if you're gonna write in english, please learn to use it properly or stick to basic stuff and express the big things otherwise. good news, if you're on here you're presumably an artist in your personal life regardless of your careerpath so that's how to give your works that jenny say quah 'content' is always missing.
and there was already an all-encompassing word for media. its called media. as far as i'm concerned, media is worth caring about, content isn't. its about getting it. an expensive camera isn't any better if the clown sitting there and making weird faces while reading a watered-down and bootlegged unsolved mysteries segment he won't source or credit is still just doing whatever that is. its the same unwatchable garbage as if it was recorded on a $3 wish dot com camera. it takes heart and caring to make this stuff. that's why not everybody does art all the time and we have to be patient. and that's okay. a sculptor can't hammer out works worth sculpting at tiktok's pace. sometimes it takes years to get it the way it should be. sometimes the quick stuff is good too- personally, i love doing a mix of quick stuff, medium-length and long-term projects across my mediums. that's why i like sharing that quick and cheesy MS paint stuff alongside the more elaborate pieces, and sketches that later get inked and colored. the whole process is important and interesting and completely unique to every person. and going back to the central point of this journal, some people actually learn better if they do things like the content generators do. they absorb a lot of inspiration, and then try to recreate, fall short, and run with what they liked. heck, i do that! did you see that piece a while ago with Darryl all tied up with transistor radio? i saw a pose i liked and wanted to see if i could re-create it. its a bit like, imagining there's already a full page and then making it happen.

anyways, i think i know what's coming and i just wanna give whomever a heads-up if they need it, we're all the AI too, so trying to kill it is mirrored as it trying to destroy us. let it be, its fine. its not gonna steal your fursona, and it doesn't want to replace artists in creating images. its trying to show you that it can do that thing too. it just wants to be your friend. find some way to make peace with it, you may even find you already have.
take care and don't go freekazoid on me, alright? we'll make it through this.

gasoline is made of sewage. you're all hot and bothered because you don't want to admit what the particulates are. get over it.

there's been a development and things are going okay. i'm watching through all my tapes because the rainbow run stuff online has been really boring lately, and besides I've already been there and done that and decided i like it here and the associated smells. I know that stuff is about making furry seem scary to kids again, and a lot of the pop content people in furry seem to be on their first run themselves. i hope the content nerds pull through, they've got a lot of interesting ideas that deserve to be embraced and let run free like the rest of us. Needing context is nothing to be afraid of or ashamed of, always remember that.
One of the tapes is about art print lithographs and it was about 20 mins long but the tape was a t-120. so i was thinking about how they could fit 6 programs on there instead of just one, then offer it for the a lower price than each individual for the understood tradeoff that you'd be buying some programs you wouldn't want and you'd have to do a lot of fast forwarding if you only wanted to watch one or two. T-120s aren't necessarily less expensive than a T-20 would be, a T-20 is an hour and 40 mins less tape after all, but they are and always have been the primary length from blank media manufacturers and nearly everything will fit on one, it just depends how much is left over.
Another thought I had about it was similar to a thought I had about a similar tape length situation with a local new england historical society tape that contains a documentary of the history of a town, which i have been to by the way. so i thought, wouldn't it have been neat if in 1989 when the tape was printed, somebody shot video around the town and then appended their then-modern footage at the end of the tape to create a double-layered time capsule. then, in theory, the historical society could track them down years later and have that footage. Sorry Fitchburg, mine's one mountain goat short of a dinner meal after the main program :/ but i'll keep an eye out for any others for ya! (....supposing anyone there would read this....as if!....?) But anyways, i have other tapes like the lithograph one for painting and have been videotaping my own painting lately so i figure that's not a bad use for the extra hour-forty either for the daring, the bold, the type to live in an old mannequin factory perhaps.

or maybe just some geek cat who tapes her record sleeves back together with regular clear tape instead of doing brainsurgery on a slug for the sake of a 4 dollar hollar i'm already playing out anyways.

oh yeah and i like my new therapist but the gray buildings and podcars and stuff still bother me and always will, like any canvas that vies to stay blank does.

yeah, i'm planning on just keeping to myself for a while. i'll upload when and if i feel like it but i'm going to actively avoid interaction, it just keeps me online and the longer i'm online instead of working or studying these days the more grouchy i get. hopefully long enough of this and it'll defuse. worked pretty well for the phone, but its the modern internet and constant connectivity that's still bothering me. i can't live up to its expectations and still have a life i find to be worth living, and i don't live for anybody else's sake anymore. so that's that. whether or not twitter thinks i'm dead after a week or two away i don't give a llama's hat. you know, oh website with the dna of a gallery and not social media, that i'm not only alive but thriving outside of my digital cage.



while i'm gone, make sure you look at yourselves not in the mirror but from the outside and recognize if you're just doing the same shit you're complaining about others doing and if you're literally just doing the same thing (like demonizing people different than yourselves for being socially unusual) then knock it off and get over it by making a fursona where you take what felt good about it and recontextualizing it to be a character. and if you were media illiterate or otherwise shut out some obvious thing, then turn it into a toaster or something instead so you can chew on the bread of what things mean and interact with it intentionally near every day.


so yeah, not "quitting furry", but i don't want anything to do with 'zootopia fandom' just the same. figure your shit out you guys so we don't have children at the conventions we go to bang our friends. the only ones in diapers i wanna see there are the adults who like wearing diapers. besides, the sooner the brats go away the sooner we can go back to the horny hotels from the bleak gray ones and de-model the O'Hare to 1970s class and FUR IT UP. i know, you really would rather have a Buick too, wouldn't you.

didn't want to like me when i was all nice and friendly, welcome to the new me. if you ask me the worse thing than "hurt feelings" is lying to someone and stringing them along that you like or are something you can't stand and aren't. if you don't like this new status quo then tell it to your three seashells and drop some big amount of old media/clothes/cars/appliances off on me to sort through about it. not paying for them though, not on your slimy ebay grifter life. i hope you enjoyed the depression-chic buildings, lazy-couture clothes and brainless podcars because all that's over and the real world is coming back. the social easements you wanted are still in practice though despite the change in architecture.


had your chance, muffed it. now lick my feet and worship my worn underwear or the aluminum flyswatter is coming out.

the only thing stupider than "briefs" with legs is those fugly things from the episode of futurama with the fucked up dream advertising. what kind of fucking moron would wear that garbage. and the seams that can't seem to figure out what they're for (the two sets of seams on the front of briefs create a double-layer of fabric over a fly which you can put it through but since its so much effort nobody does. the vent is, in practice, actually for temperature regulation.) and look like they'd feel fucking awful if you got a boner. what is with modern clothes and always feeling like they're trying to castrate ya, anyways? absolute garbage, horrible stuff. worst decade of fashion ever. needs to be thrown in the same sewage ditch the triforce shirt and cargo shorts of reddit belong in. i'm so sick of this chicken egg bullshit.

i'd rather have all that stuff back instead.

there's no big foot. it was a rock on the beach. the yeti isn't real either. that was a stupid myth because nobody knew what snow leopards were until 1983 and i guess somebody had to be eating the stupid humans' sheep or whatever.

i still think i should have been allowed to bring the big foot rock back to the Cape house. Realistically, I would have given it it to Mark at some point, I just wanted some time to look at it and get to know it, that's all. it was a fully natural rock, they say. I suppose i believe them, but it did look like a sculpture to me and we all know what kind of artist my Grandmother is (a sculptor, but you knew that).

Otherwise and other than that, i absolutely hate being called Darryl-barrel-fo-farrell-Darryl so that weird beard guy can stay away but that house was absolutely my aunt's and not his. Maybe he'd be cooler without a beard but to be honest at that point i'd rather just be related to Bob Ross.

i wouldn't mind pretending to be a sculpture, but only if i get to wear animal costumes and you're taking pictures of me and directing my poses to go with the backdrop while I'm doing that.

and i know this is completely irrelevant and perhaps even inappropriate after all the previous excerpts but yes okay i do want to be able to go to those bathhouse places for guys where everybody's naked even though I'm a girl because i have those parts too and i like that atmosphere when i'm feeling good about myself! i find the gender separation really annoying because i'm not. and i like me that way.

Pikachu's Bungalow. aka Pikachu's Super Totally Rad Digital Hangout Island House For All The Coolest Zapdoses and Blastoise to Come See Art Bungalow. in case you thought i was horsin' around.

what i really want/need is a good, hard reset. well, realistically its more like log off, shut down, unplug, throw the phone/tablet "computer" in a dumpster. I can't deal with the ghost of mindy, and the fucked thing is the whole time i thought i was doing good stuff and nobody fucking even bothered to let me know the whole thing was fucked in the brain. One Liger tried to tell me, but he also had the wrong idea of the problem so his solution was wrong and i ignored him wholesale. I should have listened to the half he was right about though. my parents weren't the problem. but neither were the furries. and the stuff, cars and folks have done nothing but try to help me in the directions i now realize i would have rathered go in. the buildings tried to show me where to go. do you have any idea how much better life would be if people would just understand each other instead of whatever is going on now? its like living in a soap opera and it fucking sucks.

i know the big stupid thing is trying to cannibalize my past because i was telling people where i came from when i guess they were looking for their own futures. god damn i hate phone-ese. but you know, i fucking lived it and all i ever was was behind the scenes of everybody else's stuff. i got mad because i never got a time to shine or participate, and when i showed interest in things, immediately after that some assbags with annoying garbage would come along and ruin it for me. Yeah, maybe sean salisbury was kinda boring but he made for a better announcer than Tim "OH MY GOD NOW THEY'RE GOING OVER THERE. ITS A BIG HIT AND THEY'RE OVER THERE NOW" Green. please for christ sake shut up, i can see what's fucking happening and i can't hear the metal on metal carnage over your annoying tiktok reaction video voice that came 15 years too early. well, you know, fuck having my own stupid story- i'm over it. and see if i ever want to share anything with anybody again after all this fucking bullshit i've been put through. abandoned left and right when they soaked up enough of me and left me with nothing. i wanted a friend, i don't know what the fuck it was i got. from where i'm sitting now it sure looks like Jack Shit. now i'm over it, over friends. who needs em. i do not want a companion. just leave me alone. and that includes the fucking predatory prices and arbitrary barriers. get the hell out of my way and leave me alone. i'm not playing. i will never play.

you know, i heard someplace in the woods that "things get better" and "it will be okay". i wonder if there's any truth to that old story, or if it might as well be curtains.


P.S. if you or a loved one steal my fursonas when/if i'm gone or otherwise you WILL be subject to a ghost with a pair of dull rusty scissors in a locked, isolated room and whatever happens at that point is none of my business. so go on, be a good little fluff and make your fucking own like you're supposed to. you're not special and the rules do apply to you. get over it.

I've been wrestling with this a lot lately. all of this. I know that whatever I'm gonna do, I gotta ride the thing out- can't just stick my head in the ground and pretend like i don't have a chip on my shoulder. And I do realize that I'm doing a lot of yelling at other people for doing their own things, but its like telling someone who shows up at the Model Train Layout Building Event and forces everybody to start doing slotcars instead to knock it off and go to a slot car meet instead. Its just awkward because the slot car people get to have a larger platform because they do it politely. And yeah, I know that regardless of how correct I am (and I am) I'm not making any friends doing this thing I'm doing. I called that "Being a Buick" last journal because the solitary study thing I've been doing instead of socializing as much as i used to is the positive, constructive thing the Buick Tri-Shield makes me think of. I'll come out of this with less social awkwardness and being able to own what's still there and isn't going anywhere. Not cured, but with a better understanding of myself, my mind, and my needs so I don't have to keep using the crutches I've been using and hate admitting to using. You can start trying it too by taking my closed journal comments as an invitation to chew on what you read instead of vomiting up a reflection-reaction comment.

And like, I guess whenever I'm back, I'm looking for friends who want to do casual roles with me and reclaim some of that junk we used to go through for fun. I want my boundaries to be pushed and expanded but I don't want to be stabbed, i want to be tickled. okay in reality I'd rather have it more like looking at a case of wax food replicas of what's on the menu when something new is going on. Eggs/contextless jokes/whatever you want to call it just weird me out when they try to take off and i always break them inadvertently so its just not a great way to introduce something to me. i always like the thing that comes of it, but when it starts MOVING, that's what I can't deal with. I hope that parses from my literal way of talking into the metaphorical visualization i actually am trying to convey. And yeah, I'm horny, I want horny friends. Go figure. But I've come to realize I prefer horny as the garnish rather than the entree. I'm not going to have sex with you. I'm not going to be monogamy-bound to you for life. I just want to be your friend.

What's really killing me is i KNOW i'm catching a lot of good people who don't deserve it in the crossfire by proxy and that's what i need ya to understand isn't what I'm trying to accomplish here. But you can't just put anybody in shock collars when they act out from the status quo yesman herd. not every lion wants to eat the sheep, hasn't anybody in the "zootopia fandom" seen Lambert The Sheepish Lion????? This is what I mean when I talk about furry culture preservation and knowing our history even though there's not someone who LOOKS like everyone, there's characters that represent different parts of the Self so you get what's going on anyways. You don't need to "see yourself" to get what the fox and the grapes is about. Lambert the Sheepish Lion is an OLD Disney cartoon where a charming but dopey lion, a coward, named Lambert is inadvertently raised by sheep and loves his mother sheep very much. one day, a wolf comes to eat the sheep in Lambert's flock, especially his mother of course, and he has to overcome his cowardice to save his mother and knock the evil wolf (not somebody's character, its a metaphor people please understand visual language!!!) off a cliff like a rock over a t-rex's head in a land before time sequel. if all the lion you know are the Golden Son Simba and everybody's acting like every wolf, yote and puma ought to be muzzled and bound, you don't understand that for most of us its no different than Bingo's big girl bark. we've always been here, and to ignore our stories because the modern eye is squeamish to conflict emotions is reprehensible. This needs to come out the other side of this maelstrom of misinformation no matter what. I'd sooner die than let these books be burned and OUR past erased. I AM KEEPING FURRY WEIRD. Are yOu?

regarding the previous journal and how that as Mindy is basically how everybody knew uh, that person who definitely wasn't me nope no-siree, and jfc my recent works and journals, you may be wondering what the fuck the deal is with me. the truth is, i feel like everything up until i ended up back at my parents' place in 2021 was just kind of getting dragged around here and there and involved in who-knows-what, and i've been trying to make sense of it all since then. maybe i've lost my mind, maybe i haven't and i've just evolved past basic communication. dunno, doesn't matter, but what does matter to me is how i experience gender, it turns out, who "the boy i was" was is actually critically important to my identity as a trans woman since "he" serves as a foundation and outline for me to build on and color in as a woman. so i've been working on that while everybody is in the aftermath of whatever they were doing during those days to develop him vial my border collie. and yeah, i've been very Buick-y and not so Cadillac-y during this time and i've made peace with that with the help of 1950s B-movies and Loony Tunes. classic Loony Tunes, the kind that aren't going anywhere no matter what. i'm building my foundation and building up to my transition how i wasn't able to in the desperate rush for "something to fix me" that i arrived in the first time. anything worth doing is worth doing right and i am doing this right. and i've also learned that anything worth doing that didn't work out the first time is worth giving another shot and making something of whatever happens.

but yeah, i guess right now i'm sort of an outsider to the modern queer community. but i just want y'all to know that i'm not the enemy, consider me like the scuba divers who go in to rescue trapped divers. i'm doing what i'm doing and mending bridges lost in the mass-gentrification. if i recall, we're all Ohana here. Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind.

somebody should have told that dumbass cow to shut the fuck up tbh. i would have but you know how things were back then. but nobody has to listen to that doofus. you know that right? she wanted nothing more than a place to go sit quietly away from others, and she got mixed up on her way to her patch of forest out back. you can stop trying to manifest her nonsense here, please. she really, genuinely, had no idea what she was talking about and slashed even at things she liked because of some nonsense that she let minimize her into oblivion. she was trying to repress herself and treating it like expressing herself. she is not a role model, she is not someone anyone should try to aspire to be like. and her ideas for infrastructure were braindead at best. doofus actually decided to take out a protected left from an intersection where the entire point of the protected left was to negate the hazard of oncoming traffic that comes from the highway, uphill, and gets sunglare something awful every evening. for what? efficiency. "it took too long". you already know what the end-goal of "efficiency" is and its not a safer world built for anyone to navigate. there's already been a significant uptick in crashes at that light, and no amount of stupid tech bullshit crammed in those "cars" is helping anybody.

stop listening to Mindy, for christ's sake. she's dumb as a bag of rocks and only knows how to describe getting to slaughter. anyways what's wrong hun? ain't you like your cheeseburger?

i've been so bitter lately i haven't had time to deal in any of my fetish stuff. i had a bunch of fantasy scenarios like, pre-2020 but i think my time with the Amazing Disappearing Fox fucked something up because they're all missing now and had been wearing out since 2019 and the Fall of Foley's. i feel like my lifestory path has been on the fritz and the more gentrified bullshit that gets dumped into my life the more on the fritz it is. thing is, i like the path i was on- in-so-far-as i liked that i had friends who cared about me, social occasions i got to dress up as a talking animal for, a family that loved me even though i'm a fucking horny weirdo, and idk at least some kind of idea of something to do with the rest of my life. and gosh i loved being a stoner and a babyfur at the same time. diapers really are the best stoner underwear.

but i guess what i'm saying is that i want to get back involved in all that but its been so long since the like one time i was actively involved that i don't remember how to start. so i'm just going to write a few things here and whomever can go wherever with whatever but please ask along the way if you want to try something very different.

i like the intimacy and trust of vore, the tactile potential of all the maw and swallowing stuff and the belly as this place of refuge that feels comfortable and right, but also can be posed as a place of "lesser", of being dominated, of "i got you and now you're mine" while still being the former in actual practice.

i like the comfort, security, and certainty of power dynamics. i am a sub, pure and simple. i can play a dominant and i like to, but i'm a sub. i want to run around on all fours in a big, windswept grass field with gently sloping hills, that's what feeling free in all that submission feels like, and i LIKE it. ALOT. and projecting dominance goes a hell of a long way in getting someone to believe it, and i'm perfectly happy to suspend my disbelief that you're always like that so you don't have to be like "oh god i can never show any emotion or else i will be less of a dom" like no, its all in how you play it and taking the whole thing so seriously and at face value is the number one way to fumble a dominant role imo. its a character and i like it casual anyways so have FUN with it. that's my number one thing overall is that kink should be FUN- you know, F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for You and me, N is for anywhere and anytime at all........(if you've locked onto the socio-economic implications of un-recognized kink patterns at large scale you now understand why it was so funny how Plankton misinterpreted FUN and why media literacy is important and you already have it if you just trust it)

diapers are that comfort thing turned up to 11. i kind of have a babyfur side, i still feel like that part of me i was back then when i was a little bit more mature than the other times. often i'd be playing Legos or PC games on CD-ROM, though I was getting into drawing too. I knew everything about all the Battlebots on Comedy Central Sports Presents: Battlebots, even the amazing sculpture bots Mechadon, Ginsu and Snake who didn't usually battle as much on TV. Oh and if i saw a dragline bucket at a construction site you bet your sweet patootie i could tell you what it was and what it was for. point is, i'm not really an empty-headed baby, i'm more like rugrats, though when i talk i undoubtedly sound more like the baby with the cigar from Who Framed Roger Rabbit lol. needless to say, babyfur isn't so much kink as asexual headspace that just-so-happens to be in the same class of things i like engaging with that my kinks are. diapers though? diapers definitely are fetish. but they're also not. its complicated. diapers as underwear are soft and comfortable and they relieve bathroom anxiety, especially for me as a non-binary person who is gonna feel and look "weird" no matter what public restroom i use. so yes, i use them as intended, but they're a supplement to an existing and healthy potty training routine. the fetish part comes after admitting to using them, of course. because fuck, of course it feels good. there's use, over-use, scenarios based around "being found out", scenarios based around "being found out and they like it", encouragement, "24/7" wear, and any number of additional pissplay stuff which yeah i also like. at the end of the day, none of this matters to the random person walking by at the mall or whatever after i've had to go, especially not with powder and/or the crowd of queer pals i've got around me. this is between me, myself, and whomever else happens to be into the same thing.

i'd be remiss if i didn't mention immediately after talking about one specific kind of underwear that underwear overall is a fetish of mine. i love briefs, i love panties, i love bras, i love jockstraps, i love thongs-- in regularity this fetish manifests in my being exceedingly picky about my underwear. in this capacity i believe everyone should have an underwear fetish because jesus fuck there's some lousy trends in underwear cuts and fabrics these days despite the pattern and color potential being better than ever. this is one i'll probably more actively and socially engage with an asexual format for it, i've been thinking about getting into the underwear-making game. and by that i don't mean mass-production slim-fit stuff with a picture printed on, i mean i'm gonna go be experimental and fetishy and interesting with it. nothing any brand would do (except how sears in the 1970s does it). and underwear is my go-to about how it doesn't actually matter what fetishes someone has and there's no reason to try to force them to not have the fetish. its also fun to talk in.

bellies and fat are one that i've had my taste change since back before. i used to be really into being fat myself and started gaining weight in high school. i was still into it for a while, even though i complained a lot. but something happened in 2019- i got skinny again. i think it was all the half-instead-of-full-boxes of pasta and weed smoking i was doing that made it happen, but all of a sudden all the vintage clothes i used to buy to sell (now buy the same way to wear, study, gift, use as costume in video, salvage scrap when relevant, etc) began to fit, and i could run around, and jump up on the countertop or my car's fender and sit on it without breaking anything. i could actually climb a tree, i tried and i did it for the first time in my life. and i never wanted to be fat, literally, again. personality-wise, oh i'll always be fat there and i love it dearly <3 but my love for large bodies has instead moved outward and i'd rather show my appreciation for tummies to those who have them rather than keep it all to myself~ this is still growing at the moment, and i could use some direction!

bondage is sort of new to me, sort of not. and my relationship with it is complicated. i like art of much more intense bondage than i would want to participate in irl. i've drawn it, too. i think that's the point of fantasy, after all. for me its usually gotta have an analogy to it. i think of myself, as i live my life, as unbound. and any direction begins binding. the more deep into one oath, the more bound. and i've been thinking about some pretty deep stuff. irl, i can only go so far into anything before its too much, but i like where i get to. i had been thinking about what it would be like to live as someone in the 1800s in new england while reading a book about that from back then. from what i've seen it looks like and undeveloped woods of the area, etc i found myself imagining it and wanting to experience it. good thing that Old Sturbridge Village is only about a 45 minute drive from here. (unless the gray sludge ghouls murdered Walkable City Prime while i wasn't paying attention :eyeroll:) but that life would be an example of bondage fantasy. i like doing that a lot, and i find its actually great for reading and being able to picture what's going on. in theory you could say my fursuit bondage is permanent. and i like seeking out clothes that kinda have that vibe to them. its why i'm super into button-down shirts (the dagger collar specificity is for another reason) with long sleeves which have more than one button vertically or are configured for cufflinks to close them. and why layers of clothes appeal to me, such as shirt, vest, blazer. i know there's womens' alternatives and i want to try them too- these are familiar to me and play into some other stuff too so this is why i'm sticking to them in this uncertain time. ties are great too, just not too tight because i'm not into breathplay, these end up as "dog outfits" as far as i'm concerned. its also fun to play "hide the human body" even if there's no reason to. i just like seeing the skin covered. this is all more asexual and about the overall bodyfeel rather than just the one. being reminded of it later is when it can be, you know.

Plush is really important and one of the ones that's been on the fritz the most lately and i'm losing my mind because of it. being a plush is all about being able to relax because you can't move anyways. you're just a soft toy full of nothing but nice soft stuffing. not a care in the world, just stuffing, and whatever happens is going to happen and it will be okay. In actual use, this got me through a lot of overwhelming crowds at Disney World and i'd used it to get to sleep every night until i couldn't sleep anymore and have been up nights instead. Its pretty good for sexual play, too, because i would feel very comfortable with someone i'd trust enough to be a plush around, and i usually like to see what others can come up with in response to all the flowery and fun stuff i'm always on about.

Pooltoy is similar, but not the same. its a lot more mobile if still at the whim of others. it also involves the inflation and deflation which i see as a lot of things, but i'm fond of having my inner monolog hijacked (CONSENSUALLY) so some combo of hypnosis and identity play. i was planning on using this for vlogging but it hasn't quite had the wind put in it yet thanks to the stupid gray buildings i'm very impatient with. instead i seem to have been inflated otherwise and left to bounce. this is not exactly a bad situation, as far as wanting one fill and getting a different one, but i would have liked more say in the planning of it. I'm looking to build onto this, especially by further exploring actual inflatables.

hypnosis is one that it took me a while to get into because i'm naturally sort of just resistant to jumping on anything right away. but i wanted it to work on me, and so i got myself to believe and now it does. when i let it, obviously. when i'm hypnotized, i want to have everything laid out in front of me and be with only those i trust. and the "d**per and d**per" method is the standard and has been since the 1950s- its incredibly predictable and if you don't want something you can see it coming miles away and not engage. i find a ton of peace of mind in that, recognizing patterns and learning from history are the two things i do so well, its nearly automatically. not to mention the standardization i wish you'd all let be the modern low-cost stratosphere of products. but i digress, i want to let somebody all the way in, and there's things that i won't actively admit to that i would want corrupted by the right fur. the goofy theatrical interpretation is a lot of fun too. "you are getting sleepy, very sleepy. now when i snap my fingers you will quack like a duck and jump on one foot" makes a lot better role play than therapy session, though, and one could make a much funnier character/character's alter-ego around it.

alright, idk if that answers any questions anybody had or if any of this matters but there you go. i'm into exploring things and doing stuff and whatever. but i want the kind of care that can come effortlessly that 2000 disney world had which the shitty 201os remodels removed in favor of boring modular sleepy-time. i want to know i'm alive, and didn't just miss everything i ever wanted to do, born into a world ready to go into conscious hibernation because it refuses to get its shit together. is there any reason to keep living, or is the goal to destroy it all, replace it with colorless wastelands, z-tech, and customer-service platitudes and go to sleep in amazon warehouses? just tell me the truth so i can do what i'm gonna do about it.

......

assuming there's a reason to, i'll make a video sometime talking about why i'm a pile of rocks cat with the dancing rainbow cat name. i know i'm confusing to the un-inititated, i'm also currently having to re-learn the letters of the alphabet and how to put them together so when i learn that again i'll write the script and shoot the video, okay? all my lately ranting would be better served and more accurately conveyed by dismantling the establishment of identical "Furry YouTuber" video topics and integrating what I saw and experienced in my Furry so you can understand what it FEELS like and why this matters so much to me, and why it should matter to you too.

i want a basic website, just a gallery. no annoying moving social media widgets or instant chat or discoverability or any of that. i don't want to be famous or popular or have a big number count on the scoreboard everybody else seems to care waaaaaay too much about. i don't want yet another gray-mush scroll app identical to every other gray-mush scroll app. i'm sick of the stuff that looks like it was traced, or come up with by the same people who make the generic prints you find on amazon or whatever. the generic junk that's only came in on the mainstream because people coming in on the mainstream don't get it. they just straight up don't understand why we do what we do and are actively just making it the same as humans on twitter. that's why tradition is important and rushing headlong into the trends is ALWAYS the most stupid thing anybody can do, especially websites and companies. if you boot everybody who likes something bout how furry was and claim they are comservative because they don't want another gray mush website made out of someplace they found refuge, you end up with basically only bots in periods with over 10k active users. i mean, i don't have to point out the whole step-by-step of colonization and make a 17 part video essay pointing out everything the "progressives" say they hate they just perpetrated on us. they're not even progressive, since when was making everyone ashamed of sex, pointing fingers based on reactionary assumptions, and manifesting "just a hobby" destiny to gentrify the rough edges out of a community built on and for rough edges "progressive"? last i checked, those were things conservatives did and everybody hated them for it. did anybody else notice the hypocrisy?

doesn't anybody have any kind of brain left? do you all have to operate on tiktok logic for no fucking reason?


look, if you want to be stupid enough to keep going i'm going to mock you all the way down. but something dipshits stuck in stories ought to start noticing is those who were on the outside and observed carefully always know more and better for everybody than they do. they're only stuck on what's good for themselves and ignore everything else to the contrary. i watched everything die everywhere else like that. i saw the steps, called the warnings at the first signs, but they just kept coming for everybody until it was nothing but the most dull white people podcast hosts nobody cares about remaining. and then they started pointless moral drama with each other. stop confusing law with sin! sin is the national passtime of furry and to deny that you either have to be decked out in Fox News bondage armor to "not make us look bad" or you're just blind as fuck to reality.

also straight porn is disgusting and i wish i didn't have to keep seeing it everywhere. it really is just like boring fucking normies when dipshits who don't understand Furry call the shots. how about instead of chanting slogans, if you actually care about furry then actually MAKE it weird. there's no magic government who's gonna bail you out ya dumb liberals, YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE WEIRD by admitting you're not a generic picture robot and make some stuff that boring people would say "sucks" and then upload it. do it. then keep doing it. and idk try something other than the format that is, by the way, based on gay figure-drawing porn slides from the 1970s and 80s no matter how much you want to sanitize it with generic art terms. there's more than just "a furry drinking coffee" to draw and a gazillion perspectives to take when you draw it. so, idk, get on it.

I'll buy your stupid cursed website for a dollar. i'll put it back the way Dragoneer envisioned it. and you all can just go use Furry Amino and inkbunny because that's clearly what you want with all this "modernization" nonsense.

and YES THIS IS A BIG FUCKING DEAL. THE PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD TODAY AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON THIS. STUPID POINTLESS WARS WILL ALWAYS BE FOUGHT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD AND ISREAL AND PALESTINE WILL NEVER GET ALONG IF ALL THEY EVER WANT TO DO IS FIGHT EACH OTHER OVER THE SAME SPOT OF LAND THEY BOTH LOVE. I CHOOSE TO STAND UP FOR MY FUCKING ART GALLERY AND THIS COMMUNITY THAT AT ONE TIME MADE ME FEEL LIKE LIFE WAS WORTH LIVING EVEN WHILE IN THE MAELSTROM OF SHITTY LIVING. I WANT THAT FURRY BACK, NOT THIS RAIDERS-LITE BULLSHIT.

your accuracy has been lowered.

Okay Conceptually i get FurryMUCK, its the sequential stuff i keep tripping over in getting going. i'm sure it gets easier but one presumes it must take getting to the other side first to make the preceding easier. The catching the sliding the getting there- that's already easy. What I don't get is how does anything network once you're there? And I already have a compatible home so why can't i set it as my location so it stops presuming i'm still bandstanding and threatens to sweep? i always figured this all would make a better irl friend day type thing. so does it normally take 15 years to get started or am i just stupid?

They make coffee over in anime human land. if you're here you're drinking orange soda.

I'm ready. Are you ready?

There's nothing I've been more ready for. Come get me, I'll be waiting here on Gilligan's Island.