Well I'm sick again XD well it started as allergies and may have become a sinus infection, I'm not sure. I cannot go to the doctor since no general practitioner here takes my insurance. The joys of having government-subsidized insurance. In other news, I'm losing my respite care job, I've had another death and funeral, and I'm learning how to tolerate the mounting stress. I've been reflecting a lot on some things that I wish I could talk about, but for now I'll retreat to my safe haven of sweet loyal badgers.

On a very positive note: Mikey and I are doing amazingly well. I'll learning more and more how to be a good stepmom, even when I get insecure about how I'm handling things he does a great job of helping me with those. I've known what I don't want in a relationship from my past few and I'm finding new things to be so thankful for with him. Now to plan a longer visit so I can be home with them. :)

Stable Diffusion, Midjourney, and Deviantart have had a class action lawsuit filed against them. You can read the filing here: https://stablediffusionlitigation.com

Please consider donating to the following funds

Concept Art Association which is advocating to protect human artists: https://www.gofundme.com/f/protecti.....term=undefined

EU fund to protect artists there as well as to regulate data acquisition: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-pro.....m-ai-companies

I figured goals for this year would bea good place to start. I want to develop my art more and go back to some basics.

Fundamental goals:
-have a better grasp of lighting (form shadows, cast shadows, ambient lighting, etc)
-use shapes and vlaues to define things more than lines
-use more photo references
-use more perspective lines

Process goals:
-paint more
-do an equal amount of traditional and digital work
-stylize more and build up from there
-stylize backgrounds
-learn to imply more than defining everything (i.e. leaves, bushes, etc)

Here's to another year in my art journey!

My christmas wishlist :) lots of traditional supplies or doll making stuff

https://smile.amazon.com/registries.....E8Q/guest-view

I'll be in Sweden with , Amy, , and her family. It's a much needed trip and a new experience. I'll be flying out of OKC. Probably no updates (except some favs and comments maybe lol) until I get back :) gonna be in the moment and enjoy my time there~!

In some more somber news my grandpa passed away this morning. My dad and sister are home since she needed to go back to school and he needed to go back to work.

Life has a tendency to kind of smack people in the face, huh? Overall, I'd say this year has been much better than last year, albeit with the exception of current events. My grandpa went into the hospital with pneumonia last Friday and we thought he'd recover quickly. However, he's 88 and frail so there's always that chance that something could go wrong. That's what happened. they tried to take him off the ventilator this week and he went into respiratory failure. They put him back on the ventilator and told my dad and his brothers they needed to make a tough decision. We're 14 hours away from them and with my brother's disability, my mom and I won't be able to go with my dad. It's hitting in waves what all this means and even though I thought I was prepared to understand how age affects the body, I'm not. That's okay though, I'll feel the grief and process it healthily and remember all the good memories.

On a more pleasant note I head to Sweden next. The last couple of months have been amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. It'll be the first time for a lot of things and a much needed trip. Got some special people to see. :)

So I'll be offline from Oct 13- Nov 1

Nothing super serious, just wanted to put my thoughts on things out there. It's no secret that I've been on a roller coaster of emotions and how I relate to the community. Where I'm at right now I feel safe and comfortable and you may have noticed Macchi has a new design to separate him from Mocha. Macchi was created as somewhat of a shield, a safe way to explore being a little without allowing my femininity to be used against me.

It's not something I hide, but I'm a CSA survivor. The perpetrator was a man in my extended family and he only showed that interest in the girls in my family. It made me feel dirty and unsafe when being feminine, so I became a tomboy. I wanted to be safe and in my mind being more masculine meant being safe.

Last couple of years have been rather difficult, last year in particular. It was when I realized how much help I needed to get for myself and that I needed to have a better sense of self. I've seen my psych for a year now, and my DBT therapist. I'm more stable, not as keen to outbursts as I was (I don't want to say I'm completely over it but I'm doing my best not to let it happen again.)

I realized I'm more feminine than I thought I was after getting into Lolita fashion. I thought at first I would be a classic, steampunk, or gothic ouji or even lolita. While I like pieces for those I love sweet lolita. Meaning pastels, sweets, fruit, and small animal prints. I tried on my first dress almost a year ago and it just made femininity click for me. It's a safe fashion, not meant to be sexualized at all. (The sexualized 'young' look is called nymphet)

With the discovery that I'm more feminine, I started feeling separated from Macchi as my sona. He did so well in serving the purpose I intended him for and I'm going to keep him around. He's simply not me though and I figured Mocha expresses me the best.

I'm also working on finding my footing in little space now as this feels new. Even with everything that happened last year I have to say I'm more at peace with my positions on topics and my place as a little and an artist.

Happy to be drawing little pieces again and to be more back to normal than I have been in a long time.

<3
Mocha

Open ychs here: https://www.furaffinity.net/gallery.....d-commissions/

Open Disney type commissions: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10281015/

Open commissions: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10267262/

All the links above are open!! comment on the above journals or pieces to claim! I'll make a new journal with a queue one I build it up :)

I did some a sort of disney type looking drawing of my sona where I did painterly shading, a small background, and colored the lines. I'm going to offer these for $100 each and limit it to rounds of 5 slots. Comment below or note me to claim!

TOS can be found here :https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10267262/



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Commissions are open (all kinds!) here's a link to my TOS and the prices: https://docs.google.com/document/d/.....it?usp=sharing
Note me or comment below and I'll reach out to you :)

Slots:
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Colored sketches will be flat color with minimal background (similar to Beatrix Potter's art in her books). I'm wanting to raise up some money for traveling in the next year or so!

Example: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/43779236/

$40
Additional character +$20
Messy +$5
My TOS applies!

Comment or note me to claim a slot!

T.O.S.

I will not draw:
Adults in diapers with cubs
Loli or Shota
Cub porn
Recreational drug use for cubs (characters must be 18+)
Anything political
Cubs over 6 in diapers


If you don't see it on the list, just ask :)

RULES:

1. Payment is to be through PayPal USD up front.

2. You must be 18+ to commission.

3. Absolutely no NSFW references or ref sheets.

4. I reserve the right to refuse commissions.

5. For any commission type, you DO NOT have permission to edit or modify the work save for making an icon. You can NOT change colors or line work.

6. You DO NOT have permission to trace any of my work.

7. If you choose to back out of a commission and I have sketched it, I reserve the right to turn the commission into a YCH to sell.

8. DO NOT commission me in baby talk. It’s difficult to read and understand.

9. DO NOT post my art on inkbunny. I do not want to be connected with that site.

10. My art, whether it be a sketch or finished piece, personal or commission work may NOT be used for any dataset. Especially image generators,

Fees may apply to each depending on the complexity and what is asked for.

General fees:
complex props (for doodles) +$15 per prop
Messy diaper +$5
copyright character/real print fee +$15 per print
Complex character fee (multiple tails, wings): +$10 per character

Welp today I'm 31, I still don't feel like an adult. Last year I wasn't in a great place. Things hit me hard and I didn't handle it the best. I've been working on myself though so hopefully this year things keep on the up swing :)

I posted a journal last week with links to my kofi and my Paypal as I don't want to post a wishlist this year :) and of course I love all the birthday wishes!

Previous journal: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10211616/

Next week, May 13th is my birthday, and instead of posting a link to a wishlist I'm going to post a kofi link and a paypal.me link. I don't really want anything as far as items go, but I'd like to put money into savings to go to confuzzled next year.

My kofi: https://ko-fi.com/mochabeans

Paypal: https://paypal.me/MochaBeans

Figured I'd try this again. Ask away!

So I'm moved and more settled into my room, my college decided to let me know two days before that they were closing so I have to find another school, and I went to see a friend last week that I haven't seen a very long time. I'm now working on sketching since I'm waiting on new apple pencil nibs to come in to help with a lining issue. Also been working on finding a school to transfer to so I can keep moving forward with my degree.

I'm working on sketching things today and I'll line tomorrow once my nibs get here. If you have any questions you can email me at MochaBeansFA@gmail.com, note me here, or send me a message on telegram @/MochaBeans

There are three levels that specialists use to determine the functioning level and what intensity of therapy or medications to use. My brother is considered Level 2 and nonverbal, this means he requires substantial support. He was in a classroom with an aid at all times all throughout his schooling. He's been on different medicinal regiments to try and treat some symptoms. A youtuber I enjoy the content of posted one of her storytime videos and in the comments people were saying that autism is like a color spectrum which... no it's not. There is a functioning spectrum whether the regressives/ND crowd want to acknowledge it.

"People with ASD level 2 will have more obvious problems with verbal and social communication than those diagnosed with level 1. Likewise, they will find it harder to change focus. They might, for example, get very upset when they have to move from one activity to the next or to leave school at the end of the day." (Understanding the Three Levels of Autism, Lisa Jo Rudy, Medically reviewed by Steven Gans, MD, July 29, 2021)

Reference: https://www.verywellhealth.com/what.....-autism-260233

I have my desk and my furniture arranged in my room, i’m slowly going through boxes. I also have 19 days until my appointment and i’m already looking for a general practitioner. I also found a group to play dnd with, i don’t know anyone but i’m hoping to make some friends here in town.

I’m opening for 4 more shaded commissions

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I'm now living at my parent's house. I'm drained and exhausted. I have school work to do this week but I am planning on opening for some shaded commissions this week.

I went to my doctor for a follow-up today and she agrees with my counselor that I need to be evaluated for BPD/EUPD. I also hadn't realized I'll be seeing a psychiatrist and not a psychologist at the end of July. I really wish it was sooner, but it's better than nothing. This week I'm going through my things that I've packed and seeing what I need, what I absolutely want, and what I can donate. I'll be honest my emotions are all over the place, I go from fine to crying at the drop of a hat even when I have no reason to be crying. I hate being like this, I don't want to be this way. I want to just be normal.

There was a journal posted about me that was brought to my attention that referred to me and my journal (https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9900983/) and in the comments were some that are not okay no matter what. Apparently, I deserve to be r*ped by c*bs according to one person because I don't support cub porn, shota, or loli content. The journal linked here was simply me being tired of people saying it's not against the law. It is, plain and simple. I didn't add any commentary, just posted the section that I was citing and linked to the page for the law. It's not a thought crime law and if a judge and jury would deem the character a minor then it's classified as child p*rn. This shouldn't be a conservative or liberal issue. Fun fact I'm neither, I'm an Independent, and guess what? that means nothing in this discussion. This is not a political discussion.

I'm a CSA survivor so yes, this is a hot button issue for me and something I feel incredibly strong about. That does not give anyone any right to say I deserve to be r*ped. I'm near the end of my rope as a person and as a little.

I have an appointment with a psychologist at the end of July, there wasn't an opening before then but until my appointment, I have a workbook and some worksheets so that maybe I can get some work done. Here's to moving forward.

My counselor wants me to be evaluated by a psychologist for a personality disorder. I expected that to be coming but I'm scared. I'm really scared of what the results are going to mean. I have better insurance and that's going to start on the 1st of July and I'm calling a psychologist on Monday that I haven't been able to talk to due to his office hours being mon-wed.

Calling around today to see if I can start therapy over the phone. So far 5 calls and it's a big goose egg. I made a call to one and it's a possibility, just have to wait and see if my government insurance will cover it.

So I have less than a month until I move, been packing some, trying to see a psychologist so I can improve my quality of life and improve my relationships with people. I've been so up and down the last few weeks that I just about don't know which way is up. All the recent drama in the community, moving, my divorce finalizing this month, school, commissions, and some other personal things it feels like a lot. I'm trying to stay afloat, I have to hide a lot of my little stuff in boxes so that my family doesn't find it.

I'm still playing catch up with things and trying to stay on top of my school work. As far as my views about the community, I'm sickened and saddened by the number of things that have happened this year. Criticism does not equal cancel culture and if people aren't comfortable supporting someone because of questionable content it's their right to voice that. Personally, as a person who commissioned the lastest artist to leave of their own volition, I feel betrayed. If I had known the information I do now, I never would have commissioned them. It's really rattled me and I've been tempted to just walk away from something I enjoy and that helps me cope with past trauma. I'm at least going to do just ychs for a while. I don't think I'm in the right mental space to take on regular commissions.

I have a general account that I would like to use more too, I haven't felt artistically fulfilled with babyfur content. I want to spread my wings and try new things but I'm also scared to since this is my main form of income until I graduate.