So in less than two weeks I will get two things off my overall life to do list. I bought a pistol and I'm taking my conceal carry class next weekend for me to get my license. I've many friends with their licenses and have wanted mine for a few years now. I haven't shot a pistol in 15 years, but I didn't do too badly when I went to the range last weekend. I put 250 rounds down range using .22, 9mm, and 40. For the most part I had ok control... I always seemed to drop down and to the left of where I'm aiming. I got my pistol Monday and got to shoot it Wednesday. Oh, I have a Springfield XD in 40. I'm going tomorrow to shoot it again and then I'll be taking my test. Though the first shots through it would have worked for me qualifying for the test so that shouldn't be too bad. Just 2 months and I'll be able to carry it ^^

I found the crap head. Thursday night I had decided that he was dead somewhere, but I was going to get flyers together and hope that someone would find him. I was sitting at my comp with my headset on and heard a noise. I looked and didn't see any shadows under my door. For what ever reason I ended up looking under my bed and I saw his big bushy tail sticking out from behind a box. I just started balling. He probably though I'd lost my mind. I was so relieved and so pissed... I'm just glad he never made it outside.

LHS got out yesterday morning while I was taking out the trash :( I don't know what to do. With his brain damage and the fact he doesn't act like a cat... I don't know if he knows how to look for shelter since it rained yesterday. Don't know if he knows what food and water is that isn't in a bowl in the bathroom. I only managed to sleep for maybe 4 hours and I don't feel like eating anything. Me not wanting to eat is like a fish not wanting to be in water... I'm at work because my little pessimistic brain would be on over time if I didn't do something. I'm going to call the humane society and animal control to see if they have picked up an odd acting cat... make flyers and put them up around my neighborhood and hope that he turns up. I feel that looking for him is futile since he 'should' be holed up somewhere out of the rain. I hope he does like my other cat... she got out and was gone for a few days and we think that she got trapped in someones garage when they went to work. I hope he's ok...

Due to recent events here at the clinic it seems as though I'm going to be looking for a new job. The doctor I tech for is probably going to be leaving this place for nothing being done about a long standing lack of respect toward her from some of the receptionists. I can't blame her for it... it's all hypocritical BS. The clinic owner isn't siding with the doc because the receptionist in question hasn't ever told him about any issues that they've had... o.o I can only hope he's that naive about it and not an idiot. It'll be sad for this place to loose a good doctor and a tech that does a lot more than his fair share around here, but maybe it's time for me to move on to a place where I can actually get paid for the degree I have...

I hurt myself today,
To see if I still feel,
I focus on the pain,
The only thing that's real,

It's all so clear to me now,
A fraction of the man I used to be,
For every breath I take draws in the fear,
Only I know that the worst is yet to come,
I live in a dark world, where no light shines through,
I carry this burden with every step I take,
Thrust myself into a new days end,
And focus on the hour glass, to help pass the time,

So is this falling apart or are these pieces of me?
Is this a nightmare to be or am I building a dream?
Its funny how life can be the circles dance around me,
Drawing a reminder of what I've done and who I've become,
Sleepin' my days without dreams, Wakin' a night without sleep,

Well I'm so empty,
I'm better off without you,
And you're better off without me,
As wicked as you are,
You're beautiful to me,
You're the darkest burning star,
You're my perfect disease,

I catch all the tears you cried,
I want all the things you hide,
It doesn't matter who's to blame,
But when we're through,
The two of us won't feel the same,

In all this turmoil, before red cape and foil come closing in for a kill

If I ever leave this world alive
I'll thank for all the things you did in my life
If I ever leave this world alive
I'll take on all the sadness that I left behind
If I ever leave this world alive
The madness that you feel will soon subside

Someday I will walk away and say,
“You disappoint me”,
Maybe you’re better off this way,


Johnny Cash – Hurt
Novembers Doom – Dark World Burden
Jakalope – Tell me why
Five Finger Death Punch – The bleeding
Null Device – Electrified
Poets of The Fall – Carnival of Rust
Flogging Molly – If I ever leave this world alive
A Perfect Circle – Passive

Have you ever just snorted a line of pure caffeine? Doesn't do much for me.... kinda sad. I mean, all I could find was a twenty... a hundred would have been much cooler, but on short notice you do what you can. The last time I was hyper was a quadruple espresso with added caffeine since I had my powder with me. Only lasted for 3 hours >.< A buddy of mine did a quad with me without the added caffeine and his heart rate was 120 while mine was only 90 and my sitting is about 60-70. Did you know you can get 500 grams... yes GRAMS!! of pure anhydrous caffeine powder off amazon for only 35 bucks?!?!?!?! Oh, the things you can find on the interwebz. I've actually figured out a way to sterilize the caffeine powder, mix it with sterile water for injection, and make a theoretically sterile caffeine injectable... I would so try it, but I'm lazy. Hay... its better than meth. I see all ya'll thinking I'm crazy. I mean, you're right, but still. Caffeine is my most favorite drug ever. I need it. Everyday. I go through withdraw if I don't get my fix. I get mean and rude and I don't care.

Damn, 16g 7/16th inch stainless steel rings are a pain to work with >.< I had forgotten how much my pliers hurt when they slip. Six new wounds and they aren't from work.... that's new for me in past months. Correction... eight, it was a two for one deal on that last one ^^

And its now time for bed...

I'm single. Four years, four months, 24 days, a proposal, and planing for the wedding... gone. She wants to be friends still... I've never stayed friends with people I've dated, but, for her, I'll do my best. All my hope that we would be together, stay together is dead. On my drive home from her house everything seemed duller... less vibrant... can't really expect anything more from a pessimistic wolf like me. The glass is forever half empty, but a crack has formed and the level is falling fast. And for all you optimistic people... life is a bitch and then you die. For you cleave optimistic people that say life is a beach... my answer is then you drown. I desperately want to turn to my outlets I've so often used before, but for the moment I'm going to try and hold out... besides where do you hide a body on a holiday...? All those potential witnesses would make quite the mess and my trunk is only so big. See, I'm not fully dead yet. I kinda just want to crawl into a bottle, put that bottle in bed, wrap it in my covers, and not come out for... some amount of time.

Walking home from work tonight I noticed the moon almost immediately... was a nice even rusty, red color. All of my hair prickled up, guess that's my version of heckles? Full moon was last night... still a wolf moon tonight though. Oddly of all, I don't feel like punching something. That's my normal feeling when I see a Blood moon.