Wow. The last one was six years ago. That was a painful time in my life.

I don't know if anyone bothers to read these or even remember me. COVID wiped social connections clean. The world is still healing. At least, still trying to heal. A lot has happened, but I rather tell the stories in person these days.

I've grown old. I wonder if anyone else from my old life here still remembers. It feels like I'm whispering into the deep, dark, dismal void of the Internet, where social media now dominates everything. Long form communication and journal entries are incredibly passè now, and even I struggle to keep a stream of thoughts properly going to keep writing.

So, if you wish to contact me and reconnect, leave a note on here? Maybe I'll get to you?

Huh. Has it already been two years? Time flies past you when you're trying to move on. Nowadays, you're just a distant memory, just a collection of words, voices, and feelings. Dominic, you're just a name to me, a fragment of something half-forgotten. I don't even remember what you look like anymore. Sure, I remember what you did to me and I took the time to process it and figure you out. And I have come upon this conclusion:

You are a coward, socially inept, and ill equipped to respectfully voice your thoughts in a calm mature manner.

But you know what? I am good. There are better people with me now. I have two long distance boyfriends, two local ones, and one amazing husband. They kept me sane throughout the ten, long, aching years of pining after you. They remind me that I am lucky to be in love with so many boyfriends, men who are willing to give much more than you EVER GAVE ME.

I'll give myself two more years, and by then, you'll be nothing but a faded empty memory. A story that I tell to others to avoid empty, emotionally selfish men like you. I'll fully move on, and when that happens, I will be stronger than you. I will NEVER hurt anyone the way you hurt me, because I have a sense of honor and respecting myself. But in the end, the people who are close, and willing to be close to me, are going to benefit.

You're the one missing out.

I made this post, and it's at almost 800 upvotes. It feels surreal that there's so much feedback to my work! Check out my script on it! I applied for Blizzard's Writer position, specifically for Overwatch's story and lore. Long story short, I couldn't add this quick script I wrote because I wrote it AFTER I applied. So I posted it on Reddit in hopes that a Blizzard employee reads it.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Overwatch/.....ard_yesterday/

*sigh* There is no easy way to say this, but I'm going to have to let you go one last time, Dominic. I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to say this in person. Let's face it, things have gotten awkward lately and they have been for a while. When you snapped at me about expectations, I broke down and cried for nights. It was hurtful and vicious, and most confusingly, way out of left field. I read those messages over and over again just to make sure that I interpreted them right but I find myself hurting all over again. You used to tell me that everyone has a choice in video game stories, and you made your choice. Things would've been different if you said that you couldn't return my feelings, or, that you were feeling pressure from me to love me back. I loved you enough to respect that boundary. But you know, I realized that you and Brandyn are not emotionally available enough to pursue anything beyond just sex. I wish I've known, I would've guarded myself. But sometimes, I can feel you cringe on the other end when I tell you that I love you, and it hurts, knowing that you were trying to spare my feelings.

In therapy, I was told to look back to a painful memory or person and delete it from my timeline. It is to see if the suffering was meaningful or not. And unfortunately, I realized that the relationship was one sided when I deleted you. Because it was all needless suffering. I was the one making the first move, I was the one reaching out, and I was the one making space for you in my life. Yeah, I get that you're more reactionary but when you don't make time for people, it speaks volumes of how you really feel about them. My friendship with you is not on your timetable or my convenience. Any relationship is built on how much time you make for them. Do you know what it feels like to be ignored, invalidated, and isolated, Dom? Because I felt more alone with you than I ever felt with anyone else when you fall silent, like I'm some social chore. That night with you and Brandyn was one of the happiest days of my life, because I finally got you, senpai, to notice me. But it was never meant to be. You became withdrawn and isolating with me since then. It felt like you were emotionally laboring to just to be courteous. And everyday, I wracked my brain trying to move on from you, and I can't do this endless cycle of hope and despair anymore. I find myself filled with so much hate and resentment towards you and it's not good for me. And if you valued everything I've done for you in these ten years, then you should have made space in your life for me too, but instead, you just left me alone. I didn't have expectations of a romantic relationship, but I hoped that after so long, you would try to be a more active friend. I'm going to leave you with this. You are so lucky to have Brandyn. He's so patient and supportive. And it pains me greatly that I have to let him go too. You two are a packaged deal, so I have to do it this way. I have removed all traces of you guys from my life as of now, but maybe, if we meet again, I hope it would be for a fresh relationship restart.

Since no one reads these things, I might as well just pour my heart out here. Right now, I am feeling absolutely devastated. I have been rejected and rebuffed by two poly relationships in two months. Granted, I am in one and sure, I get it, but that doesn't meant it didn't sting. My self-esteem is plummetting faster than United Airline's stock price right now and I am finding myself wanting for a big chubby nerdy guy to plow into my body. You see, I have a lot of love to give and the question I always ponder is this:

Is my love good enough for people?

Seriously, why turn it down? My heart just can't take it any more. I am finding myself being filled with so much hate and resentment now. But people ask, "why should you even care about trying to get the affection of another?" Maybe I never had enough hugs or affection growing up, maybe I was nothing but the product of an upbringing that doesn't have any validation or support, or maybe that I have no one to really reach my heart because I am addicted to love and affection. The answer is yes to all of the above. Oh, and maybe I externalize my love of chubby nerds because I grew up with my parents hating me for who I am, with no support. Maybe the cure is to love myself, but I already do. It is so stupid that people just want to lock themselves away in their relationships, but be so god damn emotionally unavailable.

My heart can't take any more hurt, and I can't do this to myself anymore. But I can't close myself off, it is who I am. I was raised with shutting my emotions for so long, why should I ever turn it off now?

Working on "Returning to Eden" takes a lot out of you, and it's just three hours! WTF! But I still enjoy it. I took a break from the actual writing to write a story outline, with beat by beat, moment to moment steps to outline the story. Although, I could use a break from my day job to keep writing instead!

GENRE: SCI-FI/ACTION/ESPIONAGE THRILLER

PREMISE: A BEREFT MOTHER WAGES WAR ON THE WORLD GOVERNMENT WHO TOOK HER SON AWAY. IF SHE FAILS, SHE WILL LIVE HER LIFE FOREVER ON THE RUN AND NEVER GET HER SON BACK.


If you like what I'm doing, please support my patreon if you can!

http://www.patreon.com/kouhaipanda

Hey everyone, I'm working on a book! It's a sci-fi action thriller about a bereft mother who wages war upon her government who took her son away.

If you like to know more, go to the link below! There's a prologue sample of the work!

http://www.patreon.com/kouhaipanda

So...I gotta promote my Twitch and YouTube channel because it would be nice to have a tiny audience while we train all of our roles. And if you play Overwatch, you might learn some pro skills or two! Please subscribe!

http://www.twitch.tv/borderlandocalrissian

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCX.....cKN4JK1F4827oA

I am now San Jose's Local Overwatch Champion. I still can't believe it.

I stream my gameplay now! If you like funny banter and hilarious squees of embarrassing death, then come on down!

Twitch:
http://www.twitch.tv/BorderLandoCalrissian

YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSLRl7-BGeo

Your support would be great, because I can dream of just doing fun videos and get paid for it!

Sometimes I wonder why we gay bears/cubs manage to stay single and yet, complain about it.

I was looking back on some old messages from last year and I realize that a good 75% of men fail to respond back. Now, some background, I am a husky Asian guy who loves nerdy chubby guys. Naturally, I run into bears and found them to be the hottest part of the gay community. As a fat Asian guy raised with self esteem and body issues, it s refreshing to know that there are men who have a problem with the "Perfect Adonis" body image.

Then came Growlr. An app where I can find nerdy bear men?! Sign me up! But a vast majority of them do not want conversation or even express in meeting outside of this online world called Growlr.

I am a friendly guy, and even though I have a boyfriend, I like meeting guys that have similar interests because I expanding my social circle. If men want just hookups, then tell me so and I'll respect your intentions. But abruptly ceasing conversation is just RUDE.

Look, love is a numbers game. The more people you meet, the likelihood of meeting the right guy goes up. You just don't meet Mr. Right Bear by sitting at home and play Guild Wars 2 (which is a great game, by the way) all night. Go out, meet friends, and for God's sake, message me on Growlr!

Even if you don't find the guy attractive, say hi anyway! You never know if your new friend have really hot friends that could be your future Mr. Right! So stop jerking off and take a risk, because no one finds true love and friendship by playing it safe!

- Jopaa Kumaneko

So, I graduated college today. No big deal.

Pardon my bitterness, but seeing everyone's FanimeCon posts make me feel like I was my 7th grade self again. I felt isolated and rejected by the very con that made my company's Meme Targets popular and loved.

So forgive me for giving you that dirty look when you can frolic around and can share your art with everyone else but I have to sit here, alone, with no table or explanation on why my company was rejected.

We went through the usual channels and we still have no response as to why. It has been weeks now, and I am extremely disappointed with where FanimeCon has become.

What happened to, "by fans, for fans"?

With the corgi on it's way, bunnymew and I were deciding on a name.

We had it down to:

Porkchop (From Doug)
Rush (From Megaman)

We're leaning towards Rush. Any ideas for names, anyone?

I know this is a long shot but, I would like it if there's a group of super talented furries out there that can dance "Girl's Generation - Oh!". Fursuits or not, it would still be epic.

Granted, they did it with 12 hour dance rehearsals. For seven days or more.

Reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7SYWFeaSqc


Gay moment: God, I love those boots!

Ok. Listen up you fuckers. Apparently, some people do not know how to be a good ex-boyfriend/girlfriend . Here are the rules of proper conduct:

1.) No Bullshit

Unless the other person is crazy, I get it. But give the TRUTHFUL reason why it didn't work. Don't give reasons like, "it's me, not you", and "I'm really into my career right now". Fuck that. Be honest.

"You're a crazy bitch"
"I don't think we're going anywhere with this relationship"
"It's not working out, because we live so far away and it's not fair to you"

Don't lie. Don't go and say those things and then post on Facebook of how much you are in love with this new guy. Even as a joke, that bullshit hurts. Even if both of you guys agree to be friends, BE A DAMN FRIEND! That means, not pulling the bullshit mentioned earlier.

2.) Do Not Use Friends as Pawns

They are not your toys, so don't use your friends as revenge play to make your ex feel like they're inadequate. That's some high school bullshit there, and we're way past it.

3.) Salting the Wound

For the love of God, don't rub the breakup in. And especially if you said that "you're not ready for a relationship" and then turn around and got with someone in two days. Not cool.

4.) Return the Other's Stuff

It doesn't need to be awkward, but only if you want to. When the ex ask for his/her stuff back, give it back. That's called THEFT. Return the stuff cordially, and respectfully.

_______________________________________________

FAILURE to follow these rules will result in ruining your reputation, and render you fucking UNDATEABLE. With Facebook, your reputation will spread fast.

In my ten years of FAIL dating, with the wrong types, wrong people, wrong time, or whatever "wrong" thing it was, I have accumulated indispensable ways to not fuck up. However, there are things outside of anyone's control that fuck it up. We yell, call each other names, and even telling the other to make a sandwich (and genuinely not make it a sexist statement), but sometimes we all need that simple guidance that will help us get through the roughest patches in relationships.

5.) Be an Adult

What the fuck does being an adult mean? It means, taking responsibility for your own bullshit. That's right, that means if you fuck up, you fucked up. Hard. In the ass. No lube. Simply put, own up to it. So if you took out a second mortgage on the house without your wife knowing, you better damn well pay that off. Don't shift blame onto others or be defensive about your faults. If you're insecure, you admit it. To yourself, to your partner, to your friends. They will respect you for that.

Let's face it, everyone fucks up life at some point. But it's how we handle our problems that makes the difference. You can have two people with the same problem. If one shifts blame, and the other admits it, which one do you prefer if the relationship ends?

4.) Communicate

This requires you to not be emotionally retarded. If you're not sure of communicating, over-communicate. The most that can happen is people getting annoyed at you. If you don't communicate at all, you're just the biggest douchebag gracing the dating douche kingdom that ever douched. People make assumptions, ok? There's no way to prevent assumptions unless you communicate. There's something to be said about our country when we are a people swimming in the mire of our disgusting social awkwardness. Schools focus so much on academics, but soft skills like communication and teamwork are falling on the wayside. I rest my case.

3.) Be Fucking Serious

Like every hardcore gamer, you gotta be serious and committed to being the best damn thing to walk into this person's life. You damn better make sure he knows it! If you're dating for the sake of some shallow reason that's less than long-term, go home and suck your own dick. Casual dating is fine, but if you're aware, and your date is aware then it's ok. It's when you're doing it for just sex, money, etc. then it's a waste of time.

Now, that means that you don't have to be thinking of marriage right away when you're on a first date. Just be open to the possibility that it could happen. And being serious, means that you're ok with either outcome. You fall in love, or not. Whatever happens, happens, so don't get your panties in a bunch if it fails. Failure is a part of success, and that means it's inevitable.

Imagine your boyfriend become beyond just that, he's your best friend. Now think how epic this is, this is a person who is your best friend, and you're fucking him. Repeatedly. Life is good. It couldn't get any better!

2.) Respect Yourself

That means at least bathing. Getting a job, and support yourself. Plus, that's mighty damn sexy for anyone who is male/female/gay/bi/straight/transgendered/dog. Stop making excuses. Get up and present yourself in a way you like. Always improve yourself, and I mean not the, "I'm level 25 on World of Warecraft" way. Go learn something, write with proper goddamn spelling and grammar, read, write, cook, sketch, go out and have real life adventures! Build something to share with that special someone when he finally comes into your life. Stop being negative all the time. Celebrate the little successes with enthusiasm, because they are rare gems in your life.

And most of all, respect others as you would respect yourself. For instance, breaking the heart of someone you once loved without saying a word, is not something a self-respecting person would do. Any self-respecting person would have the courage to say, "I'm sorry for breaking your heart and future with me." If self-respecting person would be encountered with the choice of breaking up without a conversation with the soon-to-be ex, he would say, "Well, fuck that bullshit. Why should I dishonor myself in that way?"

Self-respecting people are honorable people.

1.) Brave Vulnerability

That means you have to be open to the possibility of being hurt. That means you got the balls to be emotionally kicked in the balls. If you can't, why be in a relationship? Relationships are not for the faint of heart, and especially when it will be broken at least once.

Anything worth pursuing is never easy. Open up yourself, and be hurt. How can you have an intimate relationship, if you can't be intimate yourself?

So you are on a date. The guy/girl you're seeing is great. You're talking, boozing, schmoozing, and you already see that white picket fence and the two-car garage equipped with S&M equipment, right?

Well, that's usually the case. Things go great short-term, but either you lost what leftover magic you had with him or he lost that magic with you. Sure, you think you can come up of ways to rekindle the love, but it doesn't work.

Don't get me wrong, it usually does work. If there aren't any long-term psychological problems with that guy, it would. But let's be honest here, you're too in love with that person to notice the problems that would later grow to plague your love life.

Let's identify the long-term problems of relationships and the types of people who will be more of a detriment to you. Also, plans to either stick it out, or bail. So let's get started!

Disclaimer: Interchange "his" to "her" according to your situation.

1.) The Possessive Type

You know the drill. He loves you, cares for you, showers you with gifts, and calls you all the time. A little TOO much, actually. He calls you every waking moment, he gives you too many gifts, and ALL the time he says loves you. At this point, even YOU want to make him stop! Behind this "affection" though, is a guilt trip. A guilt trip that is laden with, "you better do as I say because I gave you jewelery/spa treatments/oranges".

Don't get me wrong, it could be genuine affection! But it's the wrong kind of affection when there are strings attached. If it gets to that point, talk it out. And if even that fails, time to bail. Usually, it stops there. However, if it becomes a point when he CONTROLS you with these gifts, it's a sign of abuse about to happen. Abusers use psychological manipulation through guilt, control you, restrain your free will, and isolate you from your friends. When it becomes this point, LEAVE. You're better than this.

2.) The Low-Self Esteem Type

I'm actually guilty of being this type once. Thankfully, therapy and my refusal to use drugs has kept me a happy adult. This type of person seeks constant validation, in which was spawned from the lack of esteem building during their younger years. They will fish compliments and approval from you. Do you know that guy, the guy that smothers you with attention all the time? That's because he wants to make you feel special so YOU want to make him feel special. Trippy, isn't it?

THAT guy was me.

So here's the deal. You have nothing to do with his low self esteem. It is not your responsibility to build it. This guy is an adult and is very capable in learning to build their esteem. But most of all, this guy is NOT READY to be in a relationship. He's still going to be miserable with or without you, so why deal with the baggage?

The trick in dealing with this kind of guy is to kindly point him to resources in building his esteem. Therapy helps a lot, and if that's not affordable, teach him the value of self compliments. If helping him is not your cup of tea, then break up with him GENTLY. For the love of God, don't lie to him. But look at him in the eye and say things like:

"You're very sweet, but I think you can be so much more if you saw how beautiful you are. Maybe we'll be ready for each other in the future."

...or some derivative. But the point is to remind him how great he is, but it's his own self-image that limits the prospects of the relationship. Tell him that (politely) to see the epic person that he is, and place hope for a better relationship later.

3.) The Emotionally Unavailable/Distant One

Wooo! I was attracted to this type since day one! I have not a clue why, but I know this:

This is the type that doesn't call you, spend time with you, open up his world to you, and keeps you from emotional intimacy. There are many reasons why this kind of guy does not even give you the time of day, but it's usually out of a very busy life or fear of commitment.

Sometimes, this is a tactic in which he manipulates you into worshiping the ground he walks on. You turn into a mass of groveling the MOMENT he gives the most miniscule amount of attention. By then, you're putty in his hands.

Tactics. How do you get yourself out of this? Let's face it, you're a person of considerable esteem and you don't give two fucks about anyone who ignores you. So why build his ego?

The best way, move the fuck on. He doesn't give a fuck about you, so why waste your time?

4.) The Passive-Agressive Type

For the love of holy fuck dickery, don't date this type. Avoiding this person is easier said than done though, so here are the signs:

He often doesn't address his own feelings when you argue. Emotionally healthy people use statements like, "I'm angry at you because you threw the cat into the garbage disposal." and "I'm feeling to angry to argue right now, can we go over this later?"

Hey, you know that feeling you're getting right now? It's called, fulfillment. Full-fucking-fillment. Of a healthy relationship! Because, you know, you know what he's feeling so you can focus on working our the relationship problems.

However, this is often not the case with the passive-aggressive type. He avoids every kind of conflict, fearing things would get worse when arguing over the shredded cat flesh that's now flowing through your plumbing. And when he has a problem with you in the relationship, he tells you what's wrong when he fucking breaks up with you. Sometimes, not at all!

After that, you are left with this empty void that could be filled with constant romantic comedy movies and ice cream. You know what's worse?

You're left with more questions about what happened than answers.

That's right, this shit will plague you non-stop for years unless you let it go. Kinda like Indiana Jones and that blasted Jesus Christ Cup in The Last Crusade.

You're sick of his bullshit and lies of "I don't know what you're talking about, I'm just loudly vacuuming while you're talking with your friends on your cellphone". So what do you do after telling him that this passive crap is not cute anymore?

You end it. On your terms.

It's not just that, you tell him why. Tell him that his passive-aggressive bullshit is straining the relationship and you want someone who is open, honest, and calm about his feelings and conflicts. You break up the right way. In person. Take it like a champ!

5.) The Baggage Handler

He's cute, he's sweet, he's built like a Mobile Suit Gundam. In bed.

Abso-fucking-lutely adorable.

He's even open with his feelings unlike the passive-aggressive one you dated weeks ago. A little too much. He tells you about all of his previous ex-girlfriends and how they screwed him over, how his mom didn't praise him for being the star-football MVP back in high school, or the pity party he threw for his birthday was a flop last week.

This is an obvious one. It's the incessant avoidance of dealing with his feelings that's driving you crazy. Behavior patterns of this type are mostly about the stubbornness of dealing with their emotions. Thoughts like, "I'm going to let this go" do not even occur with this type. Overall, he wants your validation. It's so you build him up, so he doesn't have to. It's a guilt trip, wrapped in shame, dusted with fear, and served on a plate of laziness.

How to end it:

Be blunt. Tell him that you're sick of his shit, and you're ending it because of his incessant whining isn't good for "us". He will eventually get it. I did.

6.) The " I Like Asian " Type

It's not just Asians. It could be "Black", "Latino" (hot!), "Lebanese", the list goes fucking on. This type has a damn obsession with whatever he's into. Not that I have a problem with this, it becomes a problem when it's the only reason why he's talking to you.

Let's face it, you're more than just the ethnicity or whatever the fuck he's into. You could be funny, intelligent, or even a great cook (sandwiches!). But it's not the reason he's into you, and it's getting creepy. Exceptions can be made if he's genuine in his interest about your culture or lifestyle. And what's better, if he wants to know you as the person and the details.

Generally, you can avoid this type easily like AIDS, with a condom. Made of self-respect. However, if you're dating this guy, you can break up with him without any feelings of remorse. If you're sick of his shit, again, the best way is to say that "it's over and here's why". Clean break.

7.) The Gold Digger Type

Oh man, this one's sickening. This type only dates you for one thing and one thing only. Money. Power. Your super-charged robot dick. Some shallow reason. He wants stuff that's just physical. So how do you figure out if the person is indeed this type?

Cut his ass off.

And watch the fireworks fly. If there isn't some emotional explosion or him dumping you for some bullshit reason, then congratulations! He's not a gold digging prick! But what if you're already dating a gold digger?

End the relationship. Break up along the lines of, "I'm getting the feeling that you're not dating me, just my money/power/robot dick, so I'm ending this". Hell, use those exact words. It's worth a laugh. I dare you, break up with him over your robot dick.

I'm a "Madoka" fan now.

http://www.animeseason.com/mahou-sh.....ika-episode-1/

Call me crazy, but I've been working on my Master's Thesis and Project in Film Directing! The basis of my thesis is "How to make a Video Game Movie not Suck" and after writing the paper, I will apply my research!

My prime video games for my project is the "Persona" series and "Assassin's Creed"! Wish me luck on my endeavor!

Dear Mystery Man (aka Mr. Right),

I haven't met you yet, but my name is John.

I'm a chubby Vietnamese man who can cook, clean (sometimes), sing, dance (horribly), and is emotionally available. Emotionally available? I know, it's a rare trait. I'm also funny as well, did you know that? Well, you'll find out soon enough!

I'm a Anime nerd, I'm running a start-up company with it because I love it. I know you will love it, because you can join in my quest to take the Anime world by storm! I sketch out my ideas and I am powerfully creative. I'm more of a conceptual manager though, kinda like Steve Jobs when he made Apple pwn Microsoft.

In the future, when I meet you, I hope to be overjoyed as you are when you meet me. I hope that one day, I will be as faithful and caring for you as the day we commit our love for each other.

One day, we will meet up. And we will date and spend our time in learning about each other. Our trials and tribulations, our secrets, and sharing the darkest parts of ourselves. But you know what? I will accept those faults of yours and find them endearing.

I will accept you, and grow to love you, every part of you. And you will return those feelings, and accept me for who I am as well. We will grow to love each other, every day. You will make me laugh, cry, and love every moment we spend together.

I plan on getting married to you. We're in love, right? We will have a modest wedding, because we wanted to keep it between our closest friends and family. On that day, we will celebrate our love and proclaim it to the heavens. And we will build a family of our own.

With our son/daughter, I will promise to love our children as much as we love each other. I will never abandon our children, and I promise to be there for them. We will love them until they know what it is like to have a wonderful healthy family. I know it is hard, and it will be a bumpy road, but we will pull through. That is our promise to our children.

So I hope to meet you soon, and that we will get to know each other well and take this journey together.

One day...



- John

Feeling one of "those" days again. You know, those days in which everyone around you is holding hands, kissing, and being sickeningly cute.

After my foray and run-in with a certain person, I learned one important thing.

I know how to love. I know what love feels like and knowing when it hits you.

It is a feeling that you get when you found that "right" person in which you adore everything about them, even the flaws. You know, the feeling of, "well, he's not perfect, but I don't care. He's right for me, and I am right for him".

So, you wonder, what happened?

I was driving towards Chicken to ask for the last whereabouts of my best friend. She went missing and it was up to me to find out what happened.

What happened there took me by surprise. I met a wonderful guy. For once, I was not on guard, or defensive and such. He felt, "real".

I said my hello, and sparks flew. I realized that we share the same interests, but not completely to the point that I felt like I'm talking to myself. He had a sense of humor, a direction in what he wanted to be in life, and cuddly like a teddy bear. Nerdy too.

We exchanged phone numbers, and kept in contact for a bit. There was a point in which text messages take about a day or more for a reply. At that point, I was fed up and moved on. Well, I TRIED to move on.
_______________________________________

Then came FurCon 2010.

I had a blast, and to be honest, a complete fur-slut. Granted, I learned about Second Life, drawing, networking, and of what the community is like.

On the third day, I was walking away from the Creator's Lounge to get some water and there he was.

"@#$?"

He glanced over to me as he was walking by and stopped. We exchanged hugs.

"Hey! How have you been? I haven't heard from you in forever!"

"Oh my god, how long has it been?"

"Three months."

"Wow."

"What are you doing here?" I said.

"I'm taking part of a tournament in the gaming room," he replied.

"Well, don't let me hold you up! Go pwn hard!"

"I will!" he said as he runs off to the end of the hallway.

As he ran off, I felt this hard pounding in my chest and I lost my balance. I placed my arm on the wall, and clutched my chest. I was breathing hard.

"Why?" I thought.
____________________________________________

Long story made short, I confessed my love to him on the last day of FurCon. We dated for a while until April. We had to break up because he was in love with someone else.

Granted, he didn't have the heart to tell me, fearing that my feelings would be hurt. I appreciated the gesture, and I even told him to go for the guy he has feelings for. I stepped aside. There was nothing that I could do, I can't make him fall out of love and get with me. How selfish would that be?

We are still friends, but I am keeping my distance as much as possible. I can't be at Chicken because it has too many memories. I can't see him because my heart would plummet down towards despair. Why?

When is it my turn? I did not get cheated on, kicked out, moved around, and be put at the bottom of someone's hierarchy just so I can lose out.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of dating. I want to settle down with someone special. I am 23, and I know it may seem too soon, but I had to grow up fast in order to survive.

I know I deserve it.

I will be taking a break from going to Crack Chicken for a while. I don't know when I will be back, but I know I will come back someday. As for why, it's a personal thing, but I'll share. However, I will be ambiguous to protect the privacy of this person.

Simply put, I fell in love with someone.

This person makes me happy, and everything becomes a vastly much more colorful world because of this person. This person knows how to calm me when I get upset or stressed. My memories of him are positive and enriched my life so much. And because I knew him, I have been changed for the better, and for good.

But the hardest thing is letting go when you waited all your life for someone THIS special. But he was in love with someone else. And because I cared about him so much, I had to let him go so he could be truly happy. I cried. Not from the loss, but the helplessness of how I could have made him the happiest man on earth. It took me seven years in finding someone this special.

Seven years ago, I came out of the closet and started dating. Many ups and downs were experienced, many were harsh lessons.

I tried the long distance relationship. He was my first boyfriend. His name was Gio. He's a cuddly nerdy kind of guy. He loved music and we were together for almost two years. However, we only saw each other in twice in those two years.

It was a day of "Firsts". I had my first date, kiss, and romantic click. We were both nervous, and we tried to relax but we couldn't. Then came the moment. I remember Gio sitting down with me on the baseball field bench and looked into my eyes. He took a lemon drop from his pocket and put it in his mouth.

"I hope this calms me down, John," he said.

"Why?"

"So that I can do this..." Gio said with a nervous tinge.

At that moment, he leaned in. He hesitated for a short moment and then kissed me. At that moment, the skies rained. A moment that I never forgot.

When I moved to San Jose, it then came to a point that I had to break it off with Gio. It was only fair. I was holding him back from his own opportunities for happiness and for a person who could make him much more happier than I ever could. We still talk, and I heard he's happy with his new boyfriend now.

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After that, came Jon. He also loved music, but classically trained as a pianist. We had a mostly "IM" relationship. When I first met him in person, I fell in love. Well, at least I THOUGHT I was. I will always enjoy the moments when he played "Aerith's Theme" from Final Fantasy 7. I confessed my feelings to him, and he did not feel the same way. Needless to say, it got awkward after that and he stopped instant messaging me.

When it came to Jon, I faced a nearly unbearable bout of sadness and depression. It was a very dark time in my life, and I anguished over it for two years. Every Valentine's Day, I cried to myself realizing of what we could never be. It hurt, knowing that a guy that I felt was so right for me.

I was blind. I was hungry to be loved. But I eventually snapped out of it. I realized that Jon was not good enough for me if he were to ignore me like this. To this end, I thank Danny, my friend, in showing me.

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The most complicated experience I ever had was Mike. He was a radio editor and DJ for a certain radio station in Berkeley. I learned a lot from him, romantically and sexually. He's a big guy, and very sweet to boot. Too sweet. He was a cheater, and a very prolific one at that. He cheated on me from the very beginning of the relationship.

There's a lot to cover, but to sum it up. I moved in with Mike. He then broke up with me four months later, and had the new boyfriend move in while I was still there. The cheating was not what hurt most. What inflicted the most damage was the fact that I could hear them make love through the paper-thin walls of the house. Every morning, I had to hear of how much they love each other and cared for each other while I was unloved, brokenhearted, and alone. I seriously doubt most people could mentally withstand what I had to experience.

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Eventually, I moved back to San Jose. Back at home, I felt refreshed and redetermined to accomplish my personal goals. Then came Brian. Brian was a man of massive intelligence. He had the mastery of English, Spanish, and Arabic under him. But as intelligent as he is, he was a massive failure in social situations. We never fought, we never had the opportunity to really express of how we felt about each other. We never had conflicts.

So it came to a climax when he called me over the phone to break up with me. The saddest thing of all? It was that he was dating someone two days after and pledged his love to someone else two weeks after that. Even worse, I had to learn that from Brian's best friend. Talk about intelligent, right?

To this day, I still have yet to resolve this problem with him.
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You see, I had to go through therapy in order to get over a lot of the issues I had. It was massively purifying. I confronted Mike, and I told him of the damage he did to me. The mental scarring was still there, and I was writhing in pain. All I asked was an apology. An sincere apology of the damage he did to me, the insecurity and the lack of trust that festered and grew from it all.

There was a long sigh from the cellphone, and I could sense the deep thought that Mike was going through...

"John, I am sorry. I'm sorry that I cheated on you and took advantage of you. I am sorry that I made you go through all of this. I failed you as your boyfriend at the time and you deserved more."

I broke down, and started weeping. After so much time, after so much pain, and after so much anguish. This man, on the other line, a man who had hurt me so much, apologized. In that moment, I had forgiven him.

"Thank you Mike. Thank you for giving me so much more than I could ever hope for."

We are still friends to this day.
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More to come...

Note: This one is a bit old, but I would like to share it.
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So, time and time again I was asked, "Why do you want to be in a relationship so bad?" When my roommate asked me, probably out of exasperation, I realize I have found my answer.

I feel alone and unloved. I grew up without the luxury of a hug and a kiss when I was growing up. Unlike a lot of people, I grew up busy. There was no time for affection. There were bills to be paid, brothers to watch over, a house to clean, and homework to do. What do I get out of it? Nothing.

Most of the people I met at least has some kind of affection growing up. I never saw my mom and dad kiss each other, hug each other, and support each other. I know that in Vietnamese culture, we don't say words to express how we feel. It's all about what we do for each other. My dad and mom worked their asses off for the kids, but they never did anything for each other. That's what I remember. They never went on dates, or really built a relationship. So I never knew what emotional love was.

I want to meet my mate early in life. Why? Because growing together is a wonderful experience. That's opportunity to grow affection as well. What's the point of meeting someone in my mid-30's? It's great to find someone at that time, but by then, everything is established, stable. No excitement. Dead. Boring. I want that exhilarating feeling when one experiences joy and great fortune.

Don't get me wrong, I think people who love singlehood is great. To me, what's the point of all the money and fame in the world, if you have nobody to share it? Why do I strive so hard to find the right person? Why try at all?

Because it makes me feel alive. It makes feel that I live for something more than just myself.

I have no fear of intimacy when it comes to the right person. And I know that I am a wonderful boyfriend. I will give myself that. Why do I say that? Because I respect myself first, so that I can love the person who's damn lucky to have me. I have a lot of love to give, and want a lot in return. That's why I date, why I care, why I call back, why I fight, and why I work hard. I'm worth your time, spend it with me.

So maybe that's my answer. I never known what true affection and love felt like. And once I got a taste of it, I wanted more because it's such a wonderful feeling. To be supported, respected, and loved.