I can't sleep so of course my brain is running full speed, full of thoughts that are finally starting to make sense. I'm lost, confused, very hurt and broken but starting to finally heal and learn to be a human being again but there are still so many things that I need before I can live at peace again (or maybe for the first time, I can't remember a time I was ever at peace). Through a series of fortunate and not so fortunate events, I'm finally beginning to get my needs met and life is becoming clearer. I love and trust ravers and furries and especially kinky rave furries, we all seem to be cut from the same colorful scrap of fur and it's nice to feel so at home around a group of people but i really wish I had more that lived closer to me. I need to be cuddled and loved and scratched and bitten in a completely loving, silly, fun, colorful, adorable and non-sexual sort of way with respect for boundaries but without rules and protocols and expectations. I am tired of being used and hurt and beaten and left. I am tired of being a piece of meat. I am tired of being lied to and tricked and fooled. I want hugs and cute kisses on my forehead and to be told how beautiful and amazing I am and to be held and taken care of. I want to be a pet and curl up in someone's lap and be stroked and giggle about my gooey candy guts and my brain that's made of cotton candy fluff and a lemon head rattling around. I want to be reminded about the limey goo flowing through my brains and my cute candy minions on glowy puppet strings. i want to drink ice water out of a dish and be given sushi and fresh fruit as treats. I want to dance the night away and rest curled up with my canine puppy and another cute, sweet furry in a cool place under warm snuggly covers. I want to play dress up and wear pretty corsets and latex and fur and pin-up dresses and gas masks and pretty zentai suits and have candy colored hair and glowy dreads and smell like cotton candy and taste like lime candy and look like tranny circus vomit. I want to hike in the mountains and play in the ocean and snowboard and rock climb and go to Yosemite and Big Sur and Catalina and Torres Del Paine in Chile and explore the world and have my Panther Pink and flat black 1970 Super Bee and live in a cave behind a waterfall living off of hydroelectric power and bake pies and craft and travel the world helping communities live in equilibrium with nature's greatest resource, fresh water so that everyone can have fresh, clean, free water. i want to do GIS and geology and be the world expert on tropical watershed restoration. i want to sleep 8 hours a night and eat ahi and mangoes and cucumbers and asparagus and lychee and pluck my food fresh from the trees and the sea. I want to drink home-made teas and make plant medicines and garden and smell nice flowers. I want a home where I feel safe both physically and psychologically. I want to be able to care for those I love and guide others to inner peace and happiness and love. i want to smile at the beauty of double rainbows and sunsets and lush greenery. i want to get muddy and dirty and work hard and collect seashells. i want to forget tears of sadness and live in tears of joy. i want to give out massive amounts of love and be loved in return. i want guidance and structure and to be held and protected from the evil in the world, i have already experienced more than my fair share of it and i'm scared and tired. i want rest, i deserve it. i want help, i deserve it. i want happiness, i deserve it. i want love, i deserve it. for once in my life, i know what i want and it feels great. i want to thank E/everyone who has gotten me this far, hopefully Y/you know W/who Y/you are because Y/you really are amazing!! <3 <3 <3

HELP!!!! my landlord is saying that I cannot have my outdoor cats even though they live outside and I need a place for them to stay for 4 months, can anyone cat friendly help me out?? They are super sweet and adorable and wonderful kitties and one is even trained to sit....PLEASE!!!!????!!! my little dino heart is breaking right now, I love them so much!!

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5795035/ is doing a raffle for free chibii artz!!!

 hypr wants to start drawing again and needs models so is offering free art right now =]

yayayay!!! I just got my ticket to Califur!! So so so excited!! I will be staying with  MYLO^^wolfie &  trigger_wolf (dunno how to tag them) and get to bring da pups!! And a little birdy told me that my favorite lion in the whole wide world,  Wildchild is getting to go too!! And I get to meet the awesome  QuietFire This is too perfect! I get to spend my first con with the awesome furs who introduced me to the wonderful world of fur & rave fur!! So so so happy!!! *does a happy dino dance and bounces of the walls whacking everyone in the face with her obnoxiously large kandy scented tail*

Life has an amazing way of working itself out....Last Tuesday I posted a depressing, but honest post online and an amazing opportunity that I've been seeking for a while came to me, I'm so so so so excited, yay!! When I finally gave up on people, the non-vanilla kind stepped in a restored my faith...and found me awesome people to sell/trade my fur creations with...yayayay!!

I can't sleep, I never sleep except due to sheer exhaustion or my saving grace, pot. People scare the shit out of me. I've been stuck out in this angry, violent world on my own for too long and I think I've forgotten how to trust anyone. I have friends for this and friends for that, but no one who really sees me, I'm just too fucked up for any one person to handle. I live in this world of deceit, outwardly I'm bubbly, happy, outgoing but inside I'm locked in pain and fear, too afraid to just let go, let me be me. It hurts and I know it's not right, but I've got to change myself if I ever want anyone to keep me. I grit my teeth and power through it, the pain became a part of me a long long time ago. I just keep pushing forward, exhausted, stumbling, not sure how I'm still going. I can't be everyone people want me to be, I can't be everything I want to be, what do I even want?

The past few months have been hard on me and I don't think anyone realizes it. Outside I look happy, like I'm got it all together but I'm a mess. A big fucking mess. I worry every day if I'm delusional, I have no idea if this person I think I am is really me, no idea where I stand in the world and I'm too scared to ask anyone. The only person who would answer me is the person who tore my heart to shreds and taped it back together every day for the last 3 years. Some days he tells me I'm perfect, beautiful, smart, his whole world...other times he tells me how worthless, evil, crazy I am and reminds me that I am too screwed up and will always be alone. Why is this person, the man I loved with all of me, who I gave everything to and who took that and spat it onto my face, broke it over my back, shook and choked and shoved me to the ground and then called the cops on me and had me arrested for defending myself, why the hell is HE the ONLY person I can count on in my life? No one else gives a fuck how I'm really feeling, they only want me if I'm happy, drama-free, carefree, blah blah blah. Well don't you worry guys, I just smoke weed so I can drown out the demons that are tearing me asunder and over-stretch myself until I start to break, and break and break.....slowly I'm being torn to pieces. I haven't felt 100% well in years, I haven't gone a day, let alone 5 minutes with out fear since who knows when. I'm sick of it, I deserved to be loved and held safely in my daddy's arms until the whole world around me disappears and I know I'm safe, that he will take care of me, protect me. It's never going to happen. The next man I love will skull fuck me to death, letting me slowly, painfully die, as I give my whole beautiful broken self to his selfish desires. Hope is a fucking bitch, I really wish she would just fuck off already. What a twisted Mistress, she teases me and when I trust her again, tears me limb from limb and leaves me catatonic, crying, screaming, twitching in the corner. Pain I can handle, Hope, though kills me.

My life is awesome and I am grateful for a lot of awesome people and things in it. But that's all I focus on. The shame is to great. I want to scream, I want to speak freely, I want to act however makes me happy, I want to stop saying "sorry" every other word. I know what I'm talking about but I hate to burden others with my "verbal diarrhea" of truths. How can I know how I should feel/be but not be that?

I've got not even one single person in the whole world I can trust, most people at least have a few friends or family members or siblings, but me, nada, nilch, I can honestly that no one has stuck by me. I'd say if you knew me you'd know how generous, sweet and caring I am, but no one really knows me, not even close, so how could you?

I challenge just one person to stick with me, to keep me as their #1 for more than a couple of years. My parents couldn't even love me, what the fuck makes you think you're strong enough? You promise you'll never hurt me, never leave me, always be my friend. I tell you you're wrong, you get upset, offended but not one single friend, family member or lover has ever proven me wrong yet. What sick fuck designed me to love and have such a huge heart and love to care for and give to people but be so impossible not to use, violate, abuse, degrade, destroy? I'm like some drug who destroys those who love me, I have this intoxicating scent that just begs for others to use and abuse me even against their will. I don't know where I was going with this or if I even got anywhere, but it feels really good. I haven't even taken the time to look inside and see why I was hurting, I've been pushing myself past my limits for so long, my mind is permanently in a haze, I forget about the food I'm chewing even. Dammit, I need a fucking hug. And some more injuries. Good thing it's been snowing all night! Snowgasms