Just get an infinite loading screen now. Tried reinstalling

Now it's time to keep selling stuff and keeping tidy

Hey friends. I'm really wanting to move. If anyone is looking for a place and wants to meet up, message me.

My name is Jon. You can also refer to me as X, or False, or Scarefish/Scare, or Fizzle, or any sort of name of any of the characters of mine that I have personified over the years. I am 32 years old and I'm struggling with depression, loneliness, and high levels of fear at most times.

Few people who follow me online know anything about me in the grand scheme of things. This is my doing. I rarely put myself out there in that way, and as you may have noticed I haven't been doing anything lately. That isn't exactly true, but it feels true. It's a problem I'm trying to work through. I want to generate momentum and get back to creating. I don't lack creativity or ability: I'm drowning in it. Some have told me I have ADD, and that would explain a lot.

I should also say that most of my issues are self-diagnosed. I've been waiting on a family doctor for years now with no luck, and I'm not terribly interested in going back to general therapy. I haven't had a class in years and I'd probably have to pay out-of-pocket. I'm only confirmed to have PTSD, resulting from losing my mother and my brother. They were up north and I was down here attending school hoping to become a doctor someday. My mother wanted me to become a doctor. I now realize I want to stick to creative endeavours.

I was taking a particularly stressful Biology class at the time, with a particularly pedantic teacher who kept docking students for having messy writing rather than grading on knowledge of the material. I was home, and my uncle came by in the afternoon. The landlady cheerfully let me know that he wanted to speak to me, and that she didn't know what of. He kept me waiting for nearly half an hour. I knew what it was some ten minutes before he told me. I understand how hard it was for him to break it to me, but I still resent him for botching it so badly. To be honest, I'm nitpicking. It doesn't really matter how you deliver such news. It would have destroyed me anyway.

My relationship with my family has always been variably strained. My dad was a drug addict and he passed away a while back. As sick as it sounds to say this, it was mostly a relief when he passed. He was always an abusive narcissist and I got sick of his side of the family scolding me for being so negative about him.

To be honest, my mother wasn't very nice while I was growing up, either. I still have nasty memories, as a child, probably 7 years old, with her screaming at me that I'd "better not be gay." As a child, my prospects seemed pretty good. I was never athletic, but I did very well in most of my classes. Sometimes teachers would complain about me talking too much, but usually I did well. I often stuck around the school for an hour. It was a safe space of sorts.

My brother was severely autistic; non-verbal. As he grew up and his mental development stagnated at a toddler level, a portion of the burden of raising him fell on me, since my father was worse than useless in that regard. As time progressed, my mother was forced more to focus on my brother. Most of the attention I got was through scolding which in 80% of cases was my father scapegoating me and my mother enabling him and demonizing me. She was an alcoholic and was simultaneously taking antidepressants.

My dad rarely physically abused me. He usually just threatened to. One time, in one of his crackhead rampages, he whipped an apple at me and it exploded against the wall. He once told me to hold my hand out and he poured out half a bottle of some sort of cleaning acid on it and said "Hurts, doesn't it?" I told him these stories later in his life and he got defensive; "I don't remember that." I only remember him ever apologizing to me once. He apologized because he said he had the idea that at some point he broke my confidence and made me the way I am. In a way, the best thing he ever did for me was die. I was $18k deep in credit card debt and that bailed me out.

My brother is a complicated story, and one that I can't get through honestly without sounding like a complete monster. People assume that given my life circumstances that I would be great with people with learning disabilities, but it's exactly the opposite. I feel awful for what I'm going to say, but he only seemed like a real person until his disability became apparent. I was the first on it. I recall, probably in '03, we were living in some shitty Surrey suburb. My brother came into my room, destroyed the lego buildings I was building, and made a mess of the room. I remember my parents laughing at me. I screamed at him "This isn't normal." Reluctantly, they brought him to a specialist, and he was diagnosed with autism. I often had to scream to get things done. Back in ~'97, I fractured my arm on a curb when playing street hockey with my dad. The pain was agonizing and constant. I was crying that I thought it was broken. They were surprised when the X-ray came back and there was a fracture. My dad told me that he had no idea since I was being all tough about it. I was openly crying the entire time. Then my brother was born in '98. I asked for a sister, but that's an irrelevant detail. I guess this was a cultural thing, but I often had to bathe with my brother and with my cousins; I guess it was a cultural olden-days thing. One time my brother was in the tub with one of those baby seat things. It came loose and he flopped face-first in the water, and he stayed there. I panicked and called my mom. I managed to get him back upright, but it always struck me how my brother just lay there, still, face-down in the water. It's like there was zero self-preservation there. This is where things get nasty, because I had several pets through my adolescence, and it always struck me how my dogs and cats were like people. How clever they were, and how they seemed to connect with me on a deep level, while my brother almost seemed like a zombie. As he grew, he grew fast. Despite his condition, he became incredibly strong, and he had an insanely short temper. He also often headbutted stuff when he was angry, and I had to literally fight him not to bash his head into walls and he'd somehow manage to rough me up even with his condition. My mom was small compared to me, and in retrospect it feels a bit reckless for me to have left for school.

When I was 14, I felt suicidal. I was a misanthrope. I often fantasized of murdering my father. One time, I heard what I thought was an argument. I came downstairs to confront my father, only to find him holding my mother to the bathroom sink, trying to force her to vomit as she laughed and repeated "It's all gone." We traded off and he called 911. She was scared when I showed up, then she passed out, and we carried her out a couple of blocks. We were screaming for help. I screamed "my mom is dying" and my hag of a neighbour yelled, "Shut up." The ambulance showed up, took us to the hospital and pumped her stomach. She had apparently planned to kill my brother and commit suicide, but my brother was in respite at the time. She attempted suicide unsuccessfully three times if memory serves correct. It took me some time to get this out of her, but she had a deep distrust of "homes" for this sort of thing. She was convinced that my brother would be physically and sexually abused, and that at some point the government would take him away to be abused by strangers.

When I moved out, things with my mom changed drastically. She stopped drinking and she did her best to break up with my father, though the government forced her to maintain contact with him to secure payments from him for raising my brother. She became much more tolerant of others' views, tolerant of my bisexuality, tolerant of my agnosticism at the time. For years I would call her every day and we'd often chat for hours. Those memories are still some of my fondest. I never would have thought her, of all people, would become my best friend. But my brother was getting bigger and stronger, and he was having random seizures. He got kicked out of respite care, and he had the police called on him once (they were understanding, but they were there to subdue him through a tantrum and it apparently took over 20 minutes for him to calm down). I offered to send money to her. I offered to move back up and help her with him. This is a big part of why I blame myself for what happened. I heard that she was scared that I was moving back up; she made it clear she wanted me to live a healthy, normal life. She screened my calls starting in April, and on the 3rd was when they found the bodies. She had given my brother a lethal dose of his medications, and she had apparently gased the house and hanged herself. They told me that my brother's death was painless.

When I lost my mother, I lost everything. I went on hiatus from school. I watched Guardians of the Galaxy with the roommate, and that movie spoke to me on a visceral level. I spent a couple of years in therapy, and several more consuming various movies.

I live with a Christian family, who I've lived with since probably 2011. Conservative and conspiratorial. I guess there's something to be said for them letting me live here, but tolerance is the most generous way of putting it. There's nothing worse than being a hermit in a household where you are the enemy. I am a bisexual atheist. The landlady has mocked me for being an "evolutionist," and has told me that she knows more about biology than I do because she knows that "a man can't become a woman." One of her sons is an atheist as well, and he is the worst: he has full-on Columbine energy and I'll stick by that assessment until he finally does it and gets caught, and I probably won't even be there to say "I told you so" since I'll probably be near the top of the list. I'm in a situation where I leverage my family history with a family that constantly belittles me to keep a cheap place to rent. It's gotten so headache-inducing that I've reached out to coworkers to see if I can get a roommate. It's much harder than I had ever considered to move out, even if I'm willing to spend more money than I do in the current arrangement.

That brings me to a slew of even deeper problems.

In the past year I have logged 4,383 hours on The Elder Scrolls Online. My time in Fortnite is likely comparable. Why have I dumped so much of my time which could have been spent creating and honing my craft on these games? Are they genuinely more important to me? Are they doing anything to ease the tension building inside me?

No.

I have an obsessive compulsion to play these games. I play ESO because it has a great character creator. I play Fortnite because it is an okay game with characters I like the aesthetics of. Outside of these positives, these games have very overt predatory practices for people like me. Rotating shops, limited events, limited cosmetics, and grindy mechanics. I am currently working on getting the achievements for completing 30 daily jobs of each type in each DLC in ESO. Why? Who the fuck knows. It's a compulsion. I feel a need to do medial tasks until it has arbitrarily considered as "complete." There's nothing inherently wrong with playing these games, but I play them as work. I prioritize them above my actual health and actual career. I haven't worked on my novel in a couple of months now, and I was excited when I was just starting it up like a year ago.

That brings me to just earlier this week. I realized my arachnophobia has been getting preposterous. A couple of months ago I killed a massive wolf spider that was just chilling beside the bathroom light switch. The other day, a smaller one scurried past me when I was hanging out with the roommate; that one survived, but I went on a hunt. I found another even smaller one under the toilet scrubber thingy and killed it. Upstairs, in the other bathroom, I found a big hobo spider resting near the wall. I put on shoes and crushed it. I tried to go to bed, but my heart was racing for hours. I felt like crying. I was embarrassed, and I felt terrible for hunting down these spiders. They freak me out, but that seems like a weak excuse to hunt them down and kill them like I did. So I'm planning to get exposure therapy soon. However, I think this and my general depression and anxiety are directly linked. I think I will have to treat my underlying conditions to have long-term affects and to get my life back on track.

I had said for nearly a decade that I would never consider suicide; not after that incident with my mother. Recently, I had a nightmare where I was contemplating suicide. It feels kind of like you're looking down into a vast bottomless pool at night and that you could just jump in and dive down, as deep as you could go, and by the time you've had a chance to change your mind it's too late to get back up to the top, and you panic for a bit, and drown.

I'm scared. I'm scared of social situations. I'm scared of getting a heart attack. I'm scared of loud noises. I'm scared of being struck by lightning. I'm scared of big spiders, cockroaches, and beetles. I'm scared of balloons. I'm still kind of scared of wasps. I'm fucking scared of enlarged things; there's not even a word for that. Things that should be small, but are really fucking big, like wolf spiders, or helicopter blades, or

I had a nightmare where I was standing on the edge of a cliff looking down into a giant forest. It looked kind of like a normal rainforest, except there was a lot of blue atmospheric perspective. The trees might be otherwise mistaken for being normal-sized and close. No, they were thousands of feet tall - some even tall enough to surpass the height of the cliff itself. If I ever get around to writing The Green Owl, I'm sure you'll hear this be referred to as The Great Wide Forest. I think my fears often shape my writing.

It's easy to pile on the fears that I've accumulated. It's hard to drudge up the ones that I've hopefully put behind me. Ants, nightmares, being alone in the house, literally astrological events like quasars and pulsars.

I think I need to cut down to a healthy amount of caffeine. I think I need to sleep regularly and fully. I think I need to diet better and get outside more often, and I think even higher above that I need to start doing the things I really want to do instead of the menial tasks that have thrust themselves into my daily routine.

Hey hey. I live in Surrey (British Columbia). I'm super low income atm and I'd like to get out of my current living arrangement. I was interested in seeking out possible alternatives to living here at this house; I'm an atheist and they are Christian, so it gets quite tiring sometimes. I don't socialize much and would love to force myself to put myself out there and get to know more good people.

Hey friends. I'm going to be very blunt. I've been extremely depressed for a long, long time now. Sometimes it gets to the point where I stay in my room all night unable to sleep, crying, and the crying makes me feel even more pathetic. I think I could be happy and strong and all the things that inspire me in the deep characters of incredible stories that I love, be it from movies or shows or comics or novels or games. I could be, but I'm not, and at times it feels futile.

I went to the dentist to get a wisdom tooth extracted the other day. It went well, but it traumatized me. Physically it hurt a bit at the time, but nothing warranting such terror. That sickening sound like a UFO whirring through my mouth or that awful burning smell, and the cracking sound as he cranked at it with pliers. I felt weak, pathetic, and sad, and I still do. I realize that I don't have to, but I'm not sure how to change it.

I've been through a lot of crazy shit in my life, but I only feel fine with sharing the innoccuous stuff like this overtly. I've opened up about the terrible things that have happened, but I'm not exactly comfortable with it and I try not to trauma-dump. However, I do think I've been improving. I'm the type of person who'd love to be logical and correct instantly, and I'm learning the hard way that slow and steady seems to win all races. I want to get healthy. I want to fix my teeth. I want to lose weight. I want to kick this antisocial personality bullshit in its ass. I want to feel alive again. I want to be the fun guy I was in high school, caring about people, being kind to people. Bold and passionate about his beliefs, even the ones I don't agree with anymore. I think I was much healthier then. I was more able to grow as a person. Now I feel a bit dim. I have stupid horrible opinions at times, and I find myself surrounded by people with interests that are nothing like mine. People whose ideas of the world are nothing like mine. People I can't be myself around due to their religious beliefs. And these people are the most valuable people in my life - they give me a place to live, food to eat, and even decent compassion when I'm at my lowest points. But it still hurts being close to people who argue against who I am and what I believe all the time.

I've removed them off of my social media for what should be obvious reasons. I'd like to get into writing professionally and doing comics and doing more art. I feel inadequate with my art. Though not a lot of my writing has seen the light of day as of yet, I feel much more competent at writing. It doesn't exhaust me in the same way, and words flow much more easily than strokes and lines. I need to get projects done. I need to write stories. I need to work on my comics. I have to make this work somehow. I think I can tell some powerful stories and this could shift all the components of my life around. I'm so lonely, and frustrated, and anxious, and cowardly. I need to show some initiative and actually push myself to bringing one of these stories to life as soon as possible.

I want to say I'm sorry for being such a downer, but even more so I want to be able to say that I'm happy. One day I'll say that I'm happy and that I've done some great stuff and I'll mean it.

Hello. So I've been having trouble with Patreon with PayPal and Payoneer (the only two payout options outside the US) changing their terms to disallow payment for NSFW content, and since I have no option I figured I'll switch to Subscribestar and am currently under review. My profile there is here: https://subscribestar.adult/thebigblackcod

I was looking at gumroad but unfortunately I'm not liking how their subscription service option works

>w> Very important research. https://twitter.com/TheBigBlackCod/.....19614740701192

Here's my friend code on the Switch in case anyone wants to add me: SW-4548-6188-7881

Just a heads up, it's not exclusively a furry server. Please DM me if you would like the Furry and/or human lewds role >3> https://discord.gg/0xzmscQzvbXPKM5d

https://curiouscat.me/Fizzle

I will probably keep art-related stuff to Tumblr, but I'm willing to try this out for text-based Q&A questions!

Greetings! How was your day?

[Insert stupid self-referential joke that's actually a thinly-veiled ploy to manipulate readers into being more likely to spend money.]

So, I'm going to be taking commissions as of now. Though I'm not the most experienced person around, I feel I'm ready and prepared enough to handle the responsibilities this entails. That being said, I'm going to emphasize my strengths to produce artwork in an efficient and effective manner.

The artwork I'm most comfortable in producing is toony stuff with animals, and I think it would be best if I stick with that in starting off at the very least.

These prices are tentative. They're basically a suggestion at this point. Feel free to let me know how they bode.

Headshot: $2
Full body portrait: $5

Krita document can be provided via email. Includes all layer information.

Go see it. It's hot af.

And I didn't even get a message of any sort. Great job, guys.

There's something I've been noticing about myself over the past couple of years, and have been slowly admitting and trying to better myself and my judgment to improve my own life. I have been too nice to people for a very long time and it's about time to be reasonable with myself and accept that people who are sometimes terrible are terrible people in general and they will never learn to treat people with respect. Their are plenty of people out there just like my dad; selfish, psychotic, toxic, junkies and violent alcoholics, and I have cut off communication with him for the rest of my life and now it's time to do the same with the other nasty people in my life.

The bottom line is that I'm completely sick of people right now. I have this odd habit of trying to reach out to people and try to help them with their problems only to usually end up insulted and berated, and I'm sick of it. I am completely done helping people. I don't care what you've been through, I don't care what you think of me, and I don't care what stupid things you're going to do to yourself or the people around you regardless of whether or not I intervene. I have my own shit to take care of, I have my own problems, and nobody's ever going to do half as much to help me as I've done for anyone else. If you feel like shit and you feel regret and you feel like no one likes or respects you, there's probably a damn good reason for all those things, and if you're going to attack someone for reaching out to help then I could only imagine how poorly you treat everyone around you.

I've been fooled too many times by people trying to be my friends, pretending they're some great saint when they're just selfish scumbags who hold berate people in worse situations than themselves to feel better about themselves and their social and mental inadequacies. I'm not taking it anymore. I don't care what history we have, I don't care how long anyone's pretended to be nice to me, I am all out of patience and I'm completely done with walking on eggshells and being kicked when I'm down and being insulted and berated by sick people who weaseled their ways into my life, and I will cut all communications with people at the first signs of indecency. That's not just a guarantee; it's a promise.

The rest of you guys are cool though. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of cool people out there, but most people I've come across over the past forever have been terrible people and life's too short to waste on assholes.

I've been completely devastated by a terrible tragedy in my life and have been suffering and will likely continue to suffer from frequent panic attacks, mental breakdowns, grief, and bouts of overwhelming depression for quite some time to come. I cannot overstate how much pain I feel, not just emotionally but even physically, as I have had spontaneous bouts of internal pain and trouble breathing from time to time. It cripples me to the point where I feel like my insides have been crushed. I've lost the two people closest two me; the two people I cared most about in the entire universe and now that they are gone forever I feel like I've lost 99.9% of my life. I've been depressed for a very long time and been extremely stressed about this throughout my entire life, but especially so since I've moved out years ago. I've been unreasonably passive aggressive and critical and sensitive with everyone I've come in contact with even though I wasn't open with most people I've come in contact with, and I'm sorry to those of you I've hurt. I held a lot of stupid resentments and I couldn't think of anything other than what had been going on in my life to know any better, and I pushed everyone away because I was jealous. I was jealous that I had to suffer so long and was angry that people could bitch about the littlest things and yet I couldn't muster up the respect for myself to seek help and bitch about these serious problems in my life without calling myself pathetic.

In the early afternoon of April 3, 2014, I lost my mother and my younger brother.

I entered a League of Legends contest! Would you be able to check it out and maybe vote for me?~ http://woobox.com/o5pz8u/vote/for/1972602 )

True story

So, as you are all aware, my laptop hard drive passed away a few weeks ago, and, for my birthday a bunch of my family sent me money, and I got a solid state drive with my new credit card. Oh yeah, I got a credit card too. I set up a pay pal account with my debit, because I didn't realize you can set it up with debit instead of a credit card. So now I can start taking commissions now! Aren't you all excited?

Except I think I managed to get a full-time job at Tim Horton's, which will most likely eat up most of my time, and it pays minimum wage, which is way more than what artists like me make (about $9.75 an hour more), so as you could guess I won't be too available to accommodate the masses in a qualitative fashion, which I'm always good for, so it will go by a first come first serve basis.

Commission options will be as follows:

Pencil Sketch: $0.00

Available slots:
1:

Will be completed definitely within 3 years of ordering.

Current project: Gift art for  serberus (Stage: Alpha-protocol 2.1 BeTa)

Yes, I started playing. Got Warwick, and now saving up for Renekton and Kassadin.

I'm only level 8 right now, so I play mostly Dominion. I'm not very great, but I'm okay I guess.

Don't have an account? Sign up here and I'll get a referral bonus >.>: http://signup.leagueoflegends.com/?.....62491999851938

Otherwise, feel free to add me (Xtreme2252).

I have not felt this nerdy since Oblivion.

why must you have so many tedious unlockables?

So I updated my 3GS to iOS 5.0. Locked my phone. Couldn't get past the setup because it requires a SIM card, which my iPhone never came with (and yes, it came in an official iphone box thingy). It just came with the iPhone, and instruction manual (says if your iPhone came with a SIM card, to install it), a thing to pop open the SIM card tray, a connector, and a plastic thing. So, anyways, no way to skip the SIM card step even though the previous iOS' never required it, nor should they have. Anyways, there's no reason this update should have turned my iPhone into an overpriced paperweight, but that's not all. I went out to hook up my phone with Rogers, got a SIM card on a monthly plan and...no service. So I paid $55 to get all of my features back....except the phone. I pay nothing, I get none of my features. I pay for the phone, I get everything except the phone. Oh, and it wiped all my music. And it's a Rogers phone (says Rogers 11.0 in "About" section.). So really, there's probably something else wrong with it. Rogers guy told me to take it to the repair guy across the street and get it rolled back to iOS 4.1 and get the firmware fixed. Guy said he'd charge $35 for it, then they upped it to $50 AFTER. Gouging much? Anyways, still didn't work, so he said to leave it with him to repair and he would tell me how much that will cost after he does it. Fucking cool. Thanks a lot Apple for subjecting your customers to this bullshit, wasting their time and money. No warning at all, other than "Get the new iOS. It's grrrrrrreat." "Welcome to the new iOS. Oh, by the way. You can't do jack shit anymore, but oh well, we have your money already. trolololololo."

Yes, I use F-List, o.o My character is X. He's that stupid yellow-eared wolf o.o

One of the images on my profile is a BlackTeagan commission
Another one is a banner gift done by Anwar.
The other two are crappy ones I did.

Anyways, just verifying that the "X" character belongs to me.

,,,As long as I'm not too busy