About 18 or so years ago, I told a gigantic lie for attention. Every time I've reflected on this event, I tell myself I was young, immature, lacked life experience, and was overwhelmed being away from my family for the first time ever. I told myself it wasn't who I really was.

Earlier this year, I lashed out at several close friends and abused their trust, ruining those bonds. I told myself I had fallen towards my lowest point, having lost my job, my home, and having gone off my meds. I told myself it wasn't who I really was.

I don't think I can keep saying that.

This is who I am. I lie about shit for attention...

And I can't fix myself. I've been trying for this long to be a better person, and I keep fucking up. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to hurt people I care about. A wise man once said that you can't keep doing shitty things and saying you're sorry. You have to be better. I want to be better, and I need to take steps to become better.

Right now, the only idea I have is therapy. Anyone who knows my history knows I have a tumultuous history with therapists. I won't go into gritty details, but several of them ended up leaving me with more trauma. But the majority of these are from my childhood, and I'm an adult now who can manage his own life, and can make better decisions for myself... I hope.

So... yeah, this is where I am right now. Obviously I don't expect to be forgiven for doing the bare minimum, but I hope in time I can earn your trust back. I hate to keep saying it, but I am truly sorry for everything. I care about you all, and I hope one day I can make you smile.