hm. how are we halfway through november now..,, god, i still owe like 3 things from october but i also REALLY need to sort out some work for this month :( sorry about how long everything's taking.

i just feel so drained every day, my brain's not where i need it to be at to make art, and the art i do make is........not what i want it to look or feel like. and i know i should probably just try harder to push through, but i fucking haaaaate making art i'm not happy with for others. it just ends up snowballing into lots of extra art with the purpose of saying "sorry that sucked, how about this one- no that sucked too, here's this-" and i feel like it's just. sad for all involved. idk how other people get past this. i felt good about september commissions though! that went really well. im proud of myself for september. :)

the main reason things have gotten off-track for me is, as usual, outside committments. theatre and stuff. had a CRAZY fast turnaround for a project in october, and my wife was in london during it so it was quite a foreign and scary experience for me on that level! and it went well, i'm crazy proud of how it came out; on top of designing/making all the tech/props/costume, i also edited and programmed HEAPS of video assets! all that being said... it did leave me feeling kinda. hollow. like, oh! ok. that's done. it took absolutely everything in me, and i will not receive financial compensation for this. hm.

so yea. i guess winter's hitting. i'm on the vitamin d's, on my antidepressants, taking my adhd meds every day, doing my best. but it's uh... hard. scottish winters are fucking gruelling. it feels like it takes soooooo much just to do the bare minimum, or below that i guess. which doesn't make me feel fantastic.


on the plus side...... i guess i'm finally tackling a personal issue that's been in the back of my head since forever. an ambition maybe? a fancy? idk. there's just SO much shame and fear around it, hence why i've put it off for so long. idk. "proud of myself" i guess. another stupid nonessential thing that requires money i don't have... ahhhhh what can you do..!