i know I'm super absent again, and i don't mean to be. shitty stuff just keeps happening


my fainting disorder has taken up most my life now. i can barely do ANYTHING without my boyfriend. he's kinda doubling as my caretaker now. i need him for everything.

my usual source for adult art references is apparently not "Safe" anymore and file explorer wont work right. I've taken my computer to geek squad and just today got it back but it seems to either have become re infected or its still not fixed. so i still cant draw

a major support system in my life is gone now. its left a hole in me i don't think i can ever hope to be whole again and its left my mental health in shambles.
its kinda made me stop caring about investing in anything or anyone new. for a while i just kinda wanted to die. i just don't have faith anymore.


not asking for sympathy. just being frank about my current state, and how thats affecting my online presence.
every day is a gamble. with new rules and a mystery amount of "spoons" that changes second to second. i take days to just recover from taking a shower. to just clean my room it can take weeks of me doing small tasks bit by bit because i cant handle doing it all at once. sometimes i wake up in the morning and have to recover FROM the sleep i just got. maybe i slept in a single position for too long, now i wake up with inflammation. im having to give up on things i never even thought id have to give up.


a week ago i had my first disassociation episode. i was "gone" for 3 hours. and i didn't feel "all there" for another 4 or so days. it was really scary and i cried when i finally came too. it was like being unplugged from my body, but my consciousness was in a fog that i could still kinda perceive what was going on around me but i couldn't "do" anything.


i cant tell anymore what is the clinical depression, and what is just my sane mind reacting to the world around me. the line is really blurred


im just kinda scattering myself between my usual hobbies hoping it will return a sense of familiarity to me. i yearn for a feeling i dont know how to name. i want to envelop that feeling i get when im snuggled up in bed with my boyfriend at 5pm, watching meme compilations with him on the TV at the foot of the bed while munching on snacks. that feeling when you know everything is right with the world. its hard to feel that way when it feels like the whole world is on the brink of collapse.



but yeah. thats about it.
TLDR version is i have a shitty body, my computers still fucked and still have chronic depression so. not much REALLY new.
youll know my computer is fixed if you start randomly seeing me posting art again.