TW: I think you can probably figure it out by the subject line. Memories of sexual abuse of a minor (me, now in my 20s).

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I want to start off by saying that I joined the general furry and ABDL communities when I was under the age of 18. I was barely 14 years old when I started really chatting to people and having conversations online about diapers.

My interest in diapers began when I was pretty young. I was probably around 9 and stumbled upon some unused baby diapers from a relative. I had interest in them because of the commercials. They just seemed fun to be wearing solely based on the commercials. That was all though. I did not actually wish to be a baby again and I did not do anything sexual at all with the diapers. If I am being entirely truthful, those things did not even really cross my mind until many years later, when I read some ABDL stories online and found myself in the community pressure to regress to validate diaperwearing.

One of the first searches I did online--when I was 12, going on to 13, was for diapers. I was definitely a little obsessed. It was like a toy that I did not get to play with often so there was a lot of excitement about them. Like any other kid I just wanted to play around with new toys I did not regularly get to play with. I stumbled onto diapered stories and then ABDL stories that eventually, unfortunately, bled into graphic erotica involving supposed prior experiences being abused as a child. Those stories were twisted into positive perspectives instead of the filth they truly were describing. They described recollections of having sexually enjoyed being abused as infants, babies, and children. Those changed me. I was not even 14 years old yet and I had read pedophilic erotica.

Eventually, I found my way onto ADISC. It was mostly unmonitored with no age restrictions at the time. If you are unaware or have forgotten, I am the reason for the enforced age restriction and was once very well-known there. On ADISC I learned how to gain some online popularity pretty easily by being open to any chat with any one at any time though. I spent every day there, interacting with anyone and everyone for hours. Again, by this time I was only 14 years old when I really picked up chatting.

I am in my mid-late 20s now, married to the most loving and accepting woman, have kids that give me great amounts of pride, own multiple homes, and work an exceptionally good job where I am about to clear $200k salary without being at any risk of feeling burned out. I want to stop and say this now to alleviate some darkness in what I am bringing to light. I used to think none of this was achievable for me because I could only gain validation, attention, and positivity from others by focusing on regression. As it turns out, being an adult is awesome and I am not locked into seriousness and stress like I had been told. I do still frequently get to be an adult baby/Little with my wife, who cherishes my personality, but get the perks of adulthood too.

I have been plagued though beyond my successes. My life is grand in ways I never expected yet I felt like there was a heavy burden I carried that weighed me down. I would have intrusive thoughts and nightmares about it. This past year I came to grips with it:

1. The stories I stumbled upon and read on ABDL sites when I was 12 were not of ABDL. It was pedophilic descriptions of child abuse under the guise of being innocent simply because adults were writing it and wishing they had been such a child. Wishing to have been abused as a child is not normal. There was nothing sweet about these stories. I think this one is pretty obvious but I will say that many of these stories are still up, as is cub art that was inspired from these messed up stories. I believe drawn child pornography still counts as child pornography, by the way.

2. I was preyed upon, groomed, and sexually abused by multiple adults (mostly men) in the ABDL/furry community intersection during all of my teenage years.

I was primarily asked to call these men Daddy or Mommy. I was asked to roleplay mostly as a child (infant to toddler ages) in child abuse and rape scenarios. I was asked to roleplay animal abuse and rape. I was told I was very special for being willing and open to roleplaying the most extreme scenes. I was praised heavily for my willingness. Plenty of men also wanted diapered crotch shots of me, and told me that as long as I had a diaper on then there was not anything wrong with it. I was asked to masturbate many times, including during calls. Men would emotionally manipulate me and ask me to introduce my friends of the same age to them. A common theme was turning me against my family and reality and setting expectations I would run away to spend my days with the adult man instead.

I fell under the belief that these things were not only normal to occur but that it was what everyone did online all of the time. I was told that this is how people have fun online. So, yes, at some point I began calling people Mommy, Daddy, big brother, sister, etc. without having to be asked or any prior conversation about it. I no longer needed to be directly asked for the things mentioned. I thought it was expected of me in general, by everyone who chatted with me. I thought I was having fun.

I wanted to be "good" just like any other child. I wanted to have fun just like any child. I wanted attention just like any other teenager. I wanted to be special to someone like any human. I wanted to be loved just like any other human.

So, as I have made clear, most of these interactions were online, through text and voice chatting. Some, as shocking as it may be to know, were in-person to me--real, local adults who would meet me out somewhere like the mall or park and one in particular who played the cards right and had me at his actual home. Some of these adults did have me expose my body to them and more under the guise that they were loving me and acting innocently. All of them absolutely talked inappropriately to me.

I defended all of these adults, believing they cared about and even loved me, when my parents stumbled upon some of my online chats when my school grades plummeted. I lied for these men. I snuck around my parents efforts to keep connection to many of them. I believed they were real friends and some version of family--often under the notion that they were more important and knew better for me than my actual family.

I was a child though. At 14 through 17 I had read, seen, and texted about more deviant sexual acts than most adults had. I had engaged in full blown sexually themed BDSM. I had not only allowed myself to chat with blatant pedophiles--some who expressed no concern in being caught and other who would tell me how terrified they were of it--but I found myself seeking their attention and believing it was completely normal. We were having fun.

Let me make it clear in case it was overlooked:

My regression, littlespace, infant/baby/toddler feelings were constantly sexualized by multiple adult men. I cannot think of a single "caregiver" I had that did not sexualized this part of me.

These individuals glorified adolescence in a way that overshadowed their nefarious intentions to sexually abuse me as a teenage boy--and to perpetually keep me that way by convincing me it was better than growing and maturing.

I was not only encouraged to but heavily pressured to masturbate repeatedly to immoral descriptions of abuse even when I did not even want to masturbate. I would often be told I was being bad if I did not.

I was told explicitly that being a boy, but especially a man, was horrible and that I would gain more by becoming comfortable with and presenting as a girl with a penis.

I was well under the legal age of consent. I was a minor. I was a child.

When I questioned these things as if I felt any slightest amount of concern as to why an adult was seeking sexual contact with me I would frequently be told that I wanted it, I was the one who was seeking it, and that they were just trying to be good to me. They were just being a "father figure" to me. We were just having fun.

So, I tucked these things away and held them quietly to myself. I hid from my wife, who is not only my Mommy also in real life but leads an entire online community for Caregivers and Littles (see LittlespaceOnline.com), the trauma. I felt ashamed because I said and roleplayed very messed up things with so many men who I knew were adults. I kept this dark secret deep inside of me and I let it eat at me throughout the years.

Recently, I made a move to confront a few people in my past that I know did these illegal things to me. One identified himself as a pedo, and gave me the exact same rhetoric that I had wanted it and that he was just being a good Daddy to me when my family and school were "evil things" keeping me down. He tried to belittle me for now identifying my gender as male, having gotten married, and for pursuing a career. When I continued to express how traumatized he told me to go kill myself before blocking me. The second person who had told me on multiple occasions that he masturbated to images of children said, "Pedo? Yeah. Well, it comes with this line of business. You're the one who introduced me to being a Daddy!" The third, who physically interacted with me in person, said he wasn't my first Daddy and that I had been seeking him at that point so it wasn't his fault I had pushed him into it with me. I was 15 and he was well into his 20s. He still looks at images and art of underage, child characters in oversized diapers. None of these people had changed, and all of them blamed me in one way or another for my own abuse.

I have also asked a few of the people in my former friend group about their interactions as minors. They were also heavily sexualized, but it appears many of them have turned to find comfort in pedophilic thoughts. They are unable or unwilling to see the reasoning: if someone is aroused by a description of a child's image then that is pedophilic. It doesn't matter if another adult is describing the image. It does not matter if the image is of someone who was a child when it was taken but is now an adult. Becoming aroused by a child is not normal for an adult to do. Masturbating to the thought of a child is not normal.

Here I am today though realizing that the ABDL community is actually primarily composed of pedophiles who lust for descriptions of children being sexually assaulted but twisted into some positive light and validated because another adult is willingly describing that fictional child.

I am disturbed. I have recollection of many men telling me how they were actively fantasizing about the baby girl I described as my roleplay form. I was told by the couple of cis-women that I did meet throughout the years that they had wished I had been their biological child, and that, yes, they would absolutely engage with me sexually to "teach" me as I grew up. People who described how freeing it would be for me if I was castrated so that I would not physically mature much more and could forever appear as a child.

I logged into this account and my notes from 12 years ago were full of this garbage. This was not my first social account online either.

What I am getting to is that I no longer support these cockroaches I once called friends and online family. Unfortunately, I can point to a couple of hundred of people I've interacted online with that were not safe people around minors. The chances are if you're reading this and once knew me you may very well be categorized as this to me and I hope, I sincerely wish, that this is your wake up call to purge the garbage you have been dwelling in for so long.

If we chatted like that--if you were an adult who preyed on me--then don't bother approaching me. You are disgusting. If I haven't already I absolutely will report you as a danger to children. I am not your friend and you never were mine.

That is my grand reappearance, folks. I am back and I am not playing sick little games any more to overlook pedophilia. I do not support it. I do not support MAPs. I do not. I just do not.

I think there is a pretty clear boundary to reason what is not okay and pedophilic. I think we should be questioning ourselves and our interactions as to our the pedophiles hiding in our community, flattering us to use us like prey.

If you are describing a child's appearance then it is right to assume the person reading your descriptions from there going forward in the roleplay is envisioning a child. Question if you are writing child pornography.

I think if you are only providing babyfur images of yourself to someone then that is the image they have of your physical form. Question if you feel it is acceptable for someone to feel turned on by photos of you when you were a kid.

If it would set off alarm bells for a real child to be photographed in the situation you are drawing then question yourself and if you are actually drawing a form of cartoon child porn. Would people question why a parent took photos of a child in heavy messy diapers? Yes. Why? That is not normal and indicates some level of neglect, at least. Babyfur = child.

Just... think about it.

Lastly, as a warning from kindness, if you try to defend your past actions with sick excuses as to why it was okay to sexually traumatize me I will take appropriate recourse. I am not afraid of you.

Thank you for reading. I encourage each and every one of you to burn those connections you may have to sick pedophiles who are fantasizing about images of children. You are worth better than that. There are people who love that you are an adult who chooses to play into your silly little feelings. If someone is wishing you were a physical child then that is the biggest red flag that they are a sick, twisted human that you should not support much less interact with online or offline. You do not have to feed the scum.