It is both difficult as well as cathartic for me to write this. It is one of "those personal" journals... so I won't take it personally if you decide to skip it and tl;dr.

For many that are close enough to have me open up to them... they may (or may not) realize that I have fought the monster that is depression for over 20 years. It has affected my friendships, my actions, my work, my hobbies, and pretty much everything throughout my life. A lot of the times it helps to talk about it with friends, but a good many of my friends do not live near me... and it takes special planning just to visit them. I don't get the chance much of the time to actually talk to people about these issues, and after going through many hoops to visit people... the last thing I want to do is to show up and "be negative"... so I usually end up putting a smile on my face keeping things to myself. I try not to be "that guy" whom only speaks of himself and his problems; I try to offer an ear instead... to be there for others. This as well as my own problems wear on me mentally, and it builds up to cycle-starting "crash" events. This can be outwardly reflected by withdrawn, dismissive, angry, or morose behaviours... and it often pushes people further away perpetuating the cycle to worse degrees.
At one point of my life many years ago when I still lived in Alaska I had even contemplated ending it all were I not talked down (and hit upside the head) by a good friend (whom I've sadly lost contact with over time). That is how bad things can get, and I know it all too well. This is why I strive with every fibre of my being to not let things get that bad again. Don't get me wrong... I'm not saying that because I've had thoughts like that recently; I've not gotten this bad since that event so long ago. I just wanted to note that I have fought mental demons most of my life, and I have seen some of the worst aspects of it myself as well as in others I have known and cared about... ... ... including some no longer with us that have succumbed to those demons. Every little and big thing affects me whether I realize it or not, and I have to deal with it or I mentally explode... lashing out at myself, others, or just things around me.

I go through depression cycles... sometimes I can catch myself, and sometimes I cannot. The times I cannot... I have lost friends over it, and it pains me so much. I realize it is not all about me, and that not every friend has walked away because of things like this. Some just went a different direction, some simply lost contact and moved on, some were just silly unresolved misunderstandings, and some... well some I have no idea. I move on... I have to.
I know there are many people and friends out there that care about me whether or not I realize it at the time, and that thought helps. I do the same for others when I can. I would do nearly anything to help someone out were I able to. I value people not only as friends, but also as just people themselves. I expect nothing in return, and that is how I was brought up. I love to give and do things for others, but I have a really difficult time asking for things myself. I love to gift things, but I have an awkward time when someone tries to gift me... and so on.

I've come a long way over the years working on myself socially... trying to open up to people, make new friends, and have conversations. Still there is a lot of work to do with shyness, awkwardness, and just being myself... much of which is fallout that stems once again from depressive behaviour cycles.
These cycles are not just triggered by interpersonal relationships... sometimes they are affected by weather and seasons, stress from home, stress from work, money, worries, taking on too much, and etc. I cannot effectively predict when a cycle will hit, how long it will last, or how bad it will be. I just have to try to deal with it, and in some cases try to talk to people about it.

Where am I going with all of this? Over the past several months I have been fighting with it again in yet another cycle. What triggered it this time? I don't even know... probably stress and a few other things off the top of my head (I won't go into them... as there is no benefit to dwell and write about). I have been withdrawing once again from people, groups, hobbies, outdoors, and online things in general. People think that I am ignoring them, and say hurtful things because they misunderstand... I withdraw more. I start to feel that everyone, everything, and even entire groups are against me... I withdraw even further.
I go from work to home to sleep to work again in seemingly infinite drudgery. I have not even gotten fuzzy since the BLFC and Furlandia conventions earlier this year. My birthday came and went... I made sure to be with friends during that time, but the demons made it difficult to see the fun and really enjoy things. I just haven't had the drive to do... anything.
Those that suffer will know exactly what I'm talking about. It is difficult to explain fully, but it affects everything... it...clouds... Everything. It makes something fun into another bad time regardless if anything bad happened or not... it is a filter... a negative perception veil of things around me. What seems to others like I am just hiding, keeping to myself, and being anti-social are most likely me trying to deal with these negative feelings... and trying not put a damper on others' fun time.

I will overcome this... I know... it will pass, but it does not make it suck any less.
I try to force myself to leave the house at least once a week if I can just to get out and feel normal... even if it is just hanging out with a friend at a pub... it is something... and it really does help. I travel to other places such as California, Washington, and even Canada as changes in scenery and people around me assist greatly with recovery. I cannot say enough just how much I care for my few friends, that I appreciate what they do, and how much they really help... even if I cannot always verbalize it.

For those that wonder what's wrong with me... I guess if you read this you'll know much of it. I'm an imperfect person like everyone else... I just have to fight a bit harder than some toward zen.
This will pass... it will happen again... and that too will pass. Each time I try to learn more about myself, and I strive to improve things as to minimize these issues in the future.

I have plenty more to say, but I will save that for another conversation. This is not a call for help, nor is it a "plz feelz for meeee" post... I should really keep a personal journal to write on instead, but It just feels good to type this out especially with the perceived lack of people around me to talk to. Who knows... perhaps there are a couple on here that are genuinely curious, and they want to know. Whatever the reasons you are reading this are... I hope it gives a bit of insight into what might be bothering me. Just trust and bear with me. I... we'll... make it through this.

I do question myself whether or not I should actually hit the Create Journal button. Perhaps it is for the best though I finally say something.