I suppose I should talk a bit more about the lack of comms getting done of late. It’s been…well, too long, far too long, and I should say something.

I don’t know what happened to me when I got back from the UK back in September. I genuinely wanted to get back to work, wanted to get the stuff that I owed people done, and wanted to hit the ground running so I could do a kink-tober/kink-vember thing this year. I wanted to write a lot of stuff, break ground, do some really great stories so I could open up and make sure that people could get some holiday commissions, too.

That very clearly didn’t happen.

So, what did happen?

Depression? Yeah, a bit. Family deaths, feeling behind, constant demotivation as the list of stories never seemed to shrink: all those things hit me, and I ended up doing less and less because I just couldn’t find it in me to do the things I was obligated to do.

Real life stuff? Some. I felt pressured for time, pressured for things that needed to be taken care of. I focused on that a bit more, and I ended up ignoring writing further.

Hating my stuff? A lot of that. I’ve struggled for years to see my writing as good for more than half a day, and most of the time, I wonder why people bother to get things from me. There are times when I feel like I am pretty good, and it’s one reason why I will always push for comments from people. The more that I hear back, the more that I can hold onto the feeling that maybe my work is worth something to someone, and it’s not just the fact that I’m available. And it's one reason why I struggle to complete anything that’s just mine, because it goes from “Oh, cool idea!” to “Why the fuck am I bothering with something so stupid?” in maaaaaaybe 72 hours.

I’ve had that last one somewhat under control for a while, but every so often it flares up and fucks with…well, a lot.

Last one is just a whole lot less focus than usual. I’ve struggled to keep up proper twitch stream lengths, I’ve taken longer to do anything that I normally do, and I’ve been wanting to flip from task to task much more than I used to. I don’t know what the hell caused this, but I’m hating it.

Best guess, we hit a perfect storm of those four plus some other categories post getting home and I got fucked.

So, what am I doing about this?

First, I’m getting therapy. First date for that is December 8th, and that will hopefully start giving me the tools to get my focus back and not be quite so easily pulled into depressive spirals.

Second, I’ve been writing more for myself to get around some of the writing hate, doing little gift pieces that I like as well as just indulging some writing and kink that makes me happy. It’s not been perfect, but I was deliberately focusing on “Okay, I’m wanting to do this, no thinking about it, just do it and try and enjoy it” with that writing. It hasn’t fixed things, but it made me a little happier to put digital pen to digital paper for the first time in a while.

Third, I’ve talked things out with roommates to give me this little bit more room with stuff and have a little more help with keeping the house in order.

Fourth, I’m trying to be more forthright and forthcoming about what I need, and indulging myself more on social media and other places, as well as giving myself space to do more things I want alongside the commissions.

Now, I’m still not sure how to build this up properly, or what the schedule is going to be going forward, but I am getting back to work tomorrow with at least one of the stories I owe people, hopefully more. I want to get this done as soon as I can, but we’ll see how long it takes.

Thank you, everyone, for being patient, and I hope I can earn back trust on how long it takes me to get shit done.