is this a vent? idk, more of a brain dump ig. this wasnt spawned by any one person in particular but ive been DEEP in inner reflection and...sheesh. what a mess it is in here.

What do you do when you feel stuck in your creative process? For me, I fucking give the fuck up!

So for the last week or so I have been desperately trying to follow the advice of a post that said something along the lines of "you need to untangle your ego from the creative process" and while this changes the chemistry of the brain I have no idea how to even approach doing that LOL.
Even the concept confuses me, I admit. It's very difficult to see what people are posting and doing and then looking at my work and going "well this fucking blows ass compared to that, why do i even bother anymore?" and this is something that feels *impossible* to stop. other people see art or people drawing and they go YEAH YEAH YEAH I WANNA DO THAT TOO but I see it and im like fuck, just give up, what is the point? you're old and worthless anyway! (which is not true, but the brain demon is an insidious foe)

what really didnt help was that i think a while back i started to emotionally and mentally whip myself for drawing anything that wasnt a commission (this was probably around late 2017/early 2018 when i recovered from alcoholism), but *wow* wouldn't you know it, the result was actually not to get my commissions done faster, but rather I STOPPED FUCKING DRAWING ANYTHING.

i commission art too, i don't just draw it. and really it doesn't feel good to commission somebody and see them drawing personal stuff but i think....really what i hope people can understand that art is a developed skill and it actively decays when you dont use it.

so consider the following: a sketch BEFORE i fucked my wrist up could take me 5-10 minutes, and i can do that a lot! also, i am an autist so im way intimately familiar with my characters so drawing them is innate and easy. i know their likes, dislikes, personality, situations i can easily see them in in my head.

whereas with a commission i have your reference, and your idea, and i'm having to do the work of putting essentially a stranger into a pleasing composition while stressing about making sure they are as on-model as they can be while still drawing like myself and not imitating the reference or another artist in general. there is no money or stress to perform tied into personal art so they tend to come out much faster. better? veeeery debatable. i personally think all of the comms turn out better than my personal art which tends to look like a seismograph because my hands shake bad (you can see this on streams which is embarrassing lol)..

so i think i need to get over some huge mental blocks in regards to art. i need to just...fucking draw, man, and if people get upset at me for drawing then idk what to say. the more i draw, the better the paid work turns out anyway because i'm actively using the skill ive invested my life into.

does this make sense? i am the champ of yap but like, i really just want people to understand that at then end of the day, i just want to fucking draw. I JUST WANT TO DRAAAAAAAAAW!!!! and im gonna do that and im gonna attempt to stop feeling bad every time i post something.

anyway, comms. if i take more in the future it'll be after these are done and in much smaller/rarer quantities. like one at a time typea shit, probably. i dont want to give people things i make while im miserable, it shows in the art if i dont enjoy it. so yes it takes forever to get your art, but you're getting something i feel has accomplished something important. yes, even if its porn. art is not inherently worthless because of the content, but to me what makes it worthless is being made without interest or passion, and nothing hurts worse than getting a lifeless drawing. have you ever seen somebody irl with dead eyes? its like that.

ANYWAY I FEEL INSANE I'LL PROBABLY DELETE THIS LATER