Don't worry, I already know that people could care less, but I knew how the previous journal would be interpereted by the two people who even glanced; how I come across as some lazy, entitled millennial who just wants allies, attention and affirmations... well, I don't.

When I brought up the idea of "attention" previously, I was specificially referring to the modern societal issue of people not caring for another human being unless they can benefit you somehow, via money, sex (if you both deem each other to be visually attractive), or a step up on the popularity social ladder where those who can move you up are more important than those who were with you before.

Making it relevant, I initially came back to the fandom specifically to allow people to say the quiet part about it without fear of consequences, and while I achieved some of that, I saw a good number of people who felt alone and distanced and just wanted to know what it was like to have friends again like they used to... well, so did I, and I offered. Sadly, just like in real-life, people are more inclined to seek validation form other sycophants and high-tiered allies rather than making the company of a friend, and hey, that's them.

Unfortunately that leaves me where I've been struggling for a long time (almost 29 years come March), just as I mentioned previously, I have no one else, I don't qualify to be anyone's friend or anything more, and as an extrovert it's especially difficult when you find no happiness by yourself or see any point in continuing on.

No one knows this, but years ago I actually did try kiling myself, and while God stepped in and saved my life by stopping it multiple times through literal miracles, I still discovered that those I left behind didn't know and didn't care while other people actually wanted me gone just because I didn't benefit their world or their lives.

Years later, little has changed, but I'm still suffering from the Loneliness Epidemic, and knowing that people continue to just avoid me because I'm not as beneficial as someone with the looks and paycheck of a celebrity even though those people don't really care much for them have brought me to a breaking point.

For my entire life, I've had to initiate almost every single conversation to anyone ever and remind people of commitments, and when I stopped, so did they. Conversations, promises and such spend years in waiting while I would actively see those people engaging in activities with others that they insisted they never desired.

I can't even get people to be honest when they don't want to have anything to do with me. It's hard enough trying to find anyone anymore willing to give you two sentences before leaving you.

And I'm not even begging for affirmations or validations or anything. I'm not one of the emotional weirdos who now make up the majority of the internet population. Just having good friends and people to hang out with is more than what I currently get and wanted for years, but with the dawn of the digital age and needing to meet requirements to do so as more genuine people meet folks they're happy with and move on with them, I'm left in the dust. Even one person being there would be something, but alas, my life has been trashed out as a group effort, even by me.

Once again I'm not asking for validation or anything, I only ever wanted friends and hopefully one day someone more; and yes, I've tried virtually everything that's been suggested, but it can't replace people and those that can involve them, they're just not there. Like I said, I don't meet the requirements to be worth anyone's time, whether it's for friendship, relationships or even a drink.

So, as much as I've been forced to try for years, I can't distract myself anymore, and I fail to see any happiness moving forward alone.

Thus I can't handle it anymore. You know how heartbreaking it is when: Someone says they're willing to be friends, but never talk or hang out with you?

When someone promises to hang out or game with you, and even years later never do, but show up in your notifications and feed hanging out with other people every day?

When someone says they want to get to know you, and then don't want to talk to you, then after you initiate numerous conversations they complain they don't know you?

When someone says they're not comfortable around strangers, or being close with new people, when simultaneously they'll be seen a couple days later getting sexual with random people?

When you try to find a topic for conversation, so you ask someone what they're interested in, they name ONLY two or three things, and you try talking about those but they don't like to talk much and don't even show much interest in those topics at all?

When someone says they feel alone and without anyone to talk to, and even saying they want a good friend, yet never want to let anyone in, opting into sycophancy with people who can benefit them via popularity, money or sex?

When you have no friends or relationships, so you're stuck with porn to get any amount of dopamine in your life, but then porn makes you depressed because you see people enjoying each other when you know for a fact that you'll never have anyone in your life willing to get happy nor comfortable enough around you to ever get to that point, despite so many other people enjoying that kind of stuff with others; be it friends, lovers, etc. that cannot be replicated by a prostitute which is constantly recommended to you?

When sex and the enjoyment of it is all around you, paraded, taunted, enjoyed frequently by everyone, but you will never take part, nor ever even be naked with anyone, yet those who refuse to be or even talk sexual with you are more than willing to take part in sexual enjoyment with strangers, friends, or even parties? On top of that, when it's a regular topic or activity of interest for that person, but they refuse to even talk about it with you, but you see them willing to get dirty with others, even if they're complete strangers and literally don't care about them besides getting in their bed? Simultaneously they can bring up about it, but the second that you do you're immediately branded both a creep and a loser?

When you have no friends, so people think you're a loser, which makes them not want to be your friend either?

When you're constantly initiating the conversations, then you quit to see if they'll start talking to you, but months later they never say a word?

When you match with someone online or on an app, having MANY interests in common, but all they're interested in are your looks or your income, then reject you because you don't have what they want?

When you talk to someone and get to know them very well, even minute details about them, their life or things they like in a way you'd want a bf or gf to, but they don't want to have anything to do with you, then you suddenly find out they're hooking up with (and in some cases engaged with) someone who's richer or more popular who barely knows or cares about them, within weeks of you knowing them?

When you spend your entire school life on the bottom of the popularity hierarchy and not allowed to have friends, and as an adult you don't meet the requirements to be someone's friend, so you spend your entire life alone?

When you're surrounded by introverts calling you dramatic for being depressed for having no one and nothing in your life, and even telling you it's better to be lonely?

When you've never gotten a single compliment in your entire life?

When people refuse to even look at you?

When you compliment someone and they see you as a creeper?

When you go to ask someone a question and they have to tell you they're married before even listening to you or caring about the question... meanwhile they're not even wearing a ring?

When the only friendly interactions you've had with people where behind the counter or at a restaurant?

When people don't think you're intelligent or credible because you're not popular, so will straight up ignore your advice and insult you?

When you try to make the effort to befriend someone and they tell you “I'm sure you'll meet someone?”

When you're outgoing and full of energy, yet are stuck at home all day by yourself with all that chaos swirling around in your head?

When you have no one to reach out to, so you become depressed, people see you're depressed and as a result they distance themselves from you because they think you have mental problems, causing you to become more depressed to the point of wanting this life to end?

When you actually do try ending your life, but fail and decide to go quiet and get help, but professional help just tells you that you're lonely, and weeks, months and years later those who last talked to you before you tried to end your life either don't seem phased at all, or even come off as happier without you and upset you're still alive?

When someone refuses to give you a chance at anything and then calls you lazy, resulting in you having nothing to fall back on and they blame you for that?

When instead of being your friend or engaging with you, someone keeps telling you to get a hobby, but when telling them that you get no enjoyment or fulfillment out of things when you're doing them for yourself, they simply just say “I don't know what to tell you then” and then continue engaging with other people?

When someone tells you to get into something, so you invest a lot of time and money doing so in hopes that they'll engage with you, but when you go back and try, they're not interested in that thing anymore?

When someone is willing to talk and engage with you, but as soon as they get attention from other people or start moving up the social hierarchy they leave you behind and refuse to hang out with you anymore?

When the only places you could escape to are unrecognizable, nearly void of fun, laughter and happiness except for a few happy people that are happy together and want nothing to do with you, while the rest are miserable and political?

When you actually try to kill yourself but fail, only to come back and realize that nobody missed you, nobody cared and some people would've been happier with you gone?

When people don't realize that some folks are just dealt a bad hand and their life doesn't suck "because they want it to?"

When people would rather lecture you instead of help or even just be there with you while they take solitude in their own comfortable people?

This sounds pointless since I didn't come back to the fandom to make friends because it's impossible to, and I know no one here will notice if I go quiet, and they don't care much anyway as I haven't been able to benefit their lives much, but I'm just at the end of my rope alone and drunk-venting to a virtual brick wall at this point.

It's hard enough to find reasons to keep going, but as an extrovert, without anyone with you, it's even harder and makes everything seem pointless when no matter what you do, you're alone and lost.

I don't want a life like that. I can't handle this anymore.

Alcohol is kicking in and I can't think of anything else.



Oh, and P.S. Dragoneer, you are not only despised among many O.G. furries more than Trump, but many see the things you've done and the positions you've chosen to take as the biggest causes leading to the collapse of the fandom over the years and the change in focus away from fun to politics, pandering and penises. Nobody cares for you except your minions, and many would like to see a whole new fandom made without the influences you brought onto this one.