Hi, it's been a long time since I've created a journal.

I used to be a lot more active back in the day.

I kinda just want to write down what's going on with my mother since it is on my mind. For the past few weeks she's been in the hospital.

To start relatively from the beginning, she found out that her kidneys are failing about a year ago, but kept it a secret until this year because she didn't want to worry anyone. She went in to get surgery on her arm for a fistula, do not ask me, I am not a doctor. However the surgery caused her arm to swell-up and give her pain that was strong enough to make her cry.

She ended up in the hospital where her lungs needed to be drained, and surgery was then performed to fix the fistula. I went and visited her today and she feels better, but her arm still hurts. When we first called she was crying. She is having difficulty with feelings of getting old and what have you. She turns 70 this year and works as a paraeducator with kids with special needs. She could have retired years ago but she's the type to stay as active as possible.

She did finally put in her retirement papers this year, and was looking to retire this summer, however she is now reconsidering starting her retirement earlier as it looks like kidney dialysis will be part of her life 3 days a week until a donor can be found (and yes, I will donate if I can, right now my father wants to try to, since he is 76 and seems to think he'll die tomorrow, we've heard this a million times now for 20 years btw).

She was in good spirits today and she looks way better, her arm is no longer swollen and it looks promising that she may be able to go home this week after nearly 2 weeks in the hospital.

Other thoughts:

Anyway - I do want to say that you've probably noticed for a long time now that I took a left hand turn from strictly doing like nudes and pornography with a smattering of it still here and there. I've for a while decided that I enjoy crafting beauty as I see it, without 'taking the easy way out'. To be clear I don't think appealing sultry works are easy, but for me personally I don't want to work myself into a corner where I feel like I'm always creating the same thing.

But Topher you only draw girls mostly - I admit that's completely true, and for that all I can say is that we all have subject matter that we love to draw or find appealing and for me, I suppose, it is women. I have been kinda branching out and drawing dudes a smidge more, but they just aren't as fun for me. I have also been trying to put more effort into things like backgrounds and poses. For a good long while I worked on faces and even now I think I could use even more work in that area. I guess at this point you could say that I feel so comfortable drawing that it's like a warm blanket when I start to feel stressed, or in need of release.

I have started to feel detached from artworks I create, in a way that I find positive. Having mental hang-ups about what you're drawing or ... how do I put this...I'm actually not sure, but letting something 'feel' unappealing to you when you're trying to create it is detrimental to just having fun and drawing things. So if you didn't just stop reading above, I want to be more open about drawing males and everything in between, because beauty in my eyes is changing. I want to take the subject matter and make it beautiful the way I see it, and not screw myself out of creative possibilities with such petty thinking.

I hope that makes sense to you guys. I will remind anybody who does not know that I turn 46 this year, and because of being here on earth with such a fine assortment of people, I'd like to experience more and create more. If that means commissions (which if you've asked for one and know how long it takes me to open them, I'm sorry lol) or like trades, or just asking people to give me their characters to sketch out, then I'm happy to do so when I have time.

That's just about it. I know we all have troubles - keep fighting through them because you're worth it. Love who you can love while you still have time, think about the greater picture, and let yourself grow.

Until next post...