So yeah… It’s been quite awhile since I’ve done much of anything here on FA… or online at all, for that matter. I kinda made a conscious decision to drop off of the (online) planet for a little while… A lot of things in my life have hit me pretty hard this year, and I just really didn’t have the desire or motivation for dealing with keeping up with things. It’s coming back, though, so I figured a good way to start (and commit myself to trying to get back into it) would be to do an update here… so… here it goes, I guess =p

I'm not the kind of person to blast my troubles all over the interwebs... I'm a cat, and I tend to internalize my shit and deal with it on my own... for better or worse. That said, I know I can't keep this shit in forever, and I know there are people out there who do care… and I know I shouldn’t be so quick to turn away from them. So if you’re reading this, then I guess you care a -little- bit, at least, so thank you for that =p

They say life comes in 3’s… and this past year has been a hell of a 1-2-3 combo hit, to say the least. There’s been several other things going on too, of course, but the vast majority of it comes down to these three things…

1) I’ve been struggling with pretty severe depression ever since the death of my ‘child’... my cat, Martha. She was hit by a car this past September, and I was the one who found her mutilated body in the road. The site of that, and going through all that in general fucked me up pretty hardcore, and I still struggle with PTSD and survivors guilt. I still get random, very intense triggers of overwhelming greif, still randomly see those images in my head, and I still can’t forgive myself for it happening… the guilt I hold onto is the worst, and it’s been hard to dig myself out of that pit. I know I need to forgive myself and move on, but… easier said than done.

2) On December 23rd this year (2 days before Christmas!) an ultrasound confirmed that I have two very large tumors on my thyroid… I’ve been constantly in the doctors ever since, and it’s been a fucking nightmare dealing with everything that’s come up around it… but long story short, I'm in the early stages of thyroid cancer. Now, I KNOW it could be worse… Thyroid cancer is easily ‘the best cancer’, so if you’re going to get it… well then, hey, I got lucky! But still, the C word is never fun to hear. I have to get my thyroid removed, and be on pills for the rest of my life, but I should be okay… Or, you’d think, but then, of course, comes the final blow of the combo...

3) Two weeks into January, I lost my job. No fault of my own doing... 'corporate restructuring', as they call it. My department alone saw about 35 heads roll, and at 6.5 years at the company, I was the -least- tenured person that was cut. I hated the job anyway, so, maybe it'll be for the best in the long run... but a job is money, and in the US, a job is healthcare... A job is your life. Not good news when you just got diagnosed with cancer. I’ve been battling with insurance and billing departments non-stop ever since, and I need to get a very expensive surgery fairly soon that I don’t have insurance for…. so… that’s fun. I’ve also been going through the soul-crushing experience of looking for another job, and let's just say it doesn’t exactly help with the depression/motivation issues =p I’m trying to remain optimistic, but there are days where it’s pretty hard.

So, that's where I've been at =p I'm slowly coming out of the hole, but it's been the hardest period of my life I've ever endured... and that says a lot. I didn’t really want to just up and disappear, but at the same time, it’s been hard to find the desire to look at porn and care about my OL life. It’s something I don’t wanna lose, though, so I’m hoping that this will motivate me to start caring about getting back a little more =p

Anyway, if you made it through all of that… then you need a more entertaining life! =p Seriously, though, if you did, then thank you for caring. It’s always good to be reminded that our community has more to offer than fursuits and porn… as nice as both of those are ;-3

~Kiwa