TLDR; new part time job that came with a LOT of unexpected full time training, current queue is top priority, new commissions on hold until at least August if not longer.

I've been thinking about and tormenting myself over this journal post for the past few weeks. I have a horrible, horrible habit of dissocciating while stressed. It feels easier to ignore my problems when they start stressing me out, but in the end that always makes things worse exponentially. I want to apologize to everyone who has been waiting on me, but I am also really upset with myself and feel like apologies aren't enough. Sorry. >_<

I should have posted this journal weeks ago. I started a new job at the end of last month. I had to jump straight in to multiple weeks of full time training after being self employed (and sleeping in!) for the past two years... I told myself that I was going to still dedicate time to my commissions, especially after training was over and I was on my new part time schedule. But I didn't realize how utterly burnt out I was until I had what felt like a reasonable 'excuse' to put off drawing. The last year has been so hard. I underestimated how DRAINING relying on commissions for my entire income could be. Now that I have a new job with a consistent schedule and a guaranteed paycheck every two weeks, it's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders...
The plan was to get as much done as possible before training started, then focus on what was supposed to be two weeks of training before jumping back into the projects I had taken on. But then training turned out to be three weeks... And then I was offered a promotion, so even MORE weeks of full time training... In the back of my head, my responsibilities to customers was looming. But each night when I was done with training, it was so easy to tell myself 'I worked hard today, I'm tired, I can do extra work tomorrow...'
Then training ended, my part time schedule started, and I told myself 'now, now I can get some projects done...' but the pull of procrastination was still a stuggle to avoid. I slowly began to realize that my last six months of commission work was not done in the healthiest way... I was desperate at times, needing -one more- commission to pay the bare necessities of my bills. I live alone, I have to two cats, rent is expensive, I ate a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches last year...
All these feel like excuses. Ugh. I'm still processing my thoughts on everything. I take 100% responsibility for making bad decisions. I let myself get overwhelmed and burnt out and didn't reach out to communicate with the other people it affected.
Now that I don't have to live off of commissions, I've slowly started to want to draw again. My top priority is finishing my current projects. Then I want to relax and spend some time doing some long needed personal art. When I open commissions again (which I do want to do, I genuinely LOVE creating art for you all!) it'll probably be a lot more unique, creative YCHs, projects that inspire me.

This rambling journal is disorganized and all over the place and probably more melodramatic than it needs to be.
I have updates for projects 90, 105, 106, and 107 coming today. I will also post a work schedule sometime tonight or tomorrow.

If you have any questions, words of encouragement, or frustrated rants, please feel free to send me a note!