I've been trying to be a professional full-time furry artist since i was 15 years old, i turned 22 in september and i still can't draw 5 illustrations a month, i only get 2 at most, it pisses me off, i'm tired, i've been dreaming of being a professional furry artist my whole life, but it takes a huge amount of time to draw quality illustrations, i'm so tired of fighting in the void, i'm so tired of having mental health issues, and money issues stopping me from being productive, i'm fucked up and i don't know when and how it's gonna end.

I remember all the commissions and i'm doing the best i can, i really don't want to let you down, but time after time i let you down by only posting 1-2 commissions every few months, it's horrible and disgusting, i'm so sorry.

My parents hate me for being a furry artist, they think i'm a pervert who draw naked furry, and are always threatening to make me get a regular job, but I've spent over 7 years of my life to become the furry artist you know me to be, and i'm not going to give up, no matter how painful and unbearable it is. I want to live to the point where the money from furry commissions will cover my medicine, rent and food, but for now i'm eating canned food and spending all my money on medicine.

I am a transgender woman and it was not easy for me to accept it.
I first thought about myself as a girl at 16, and until i was 19 i tried to be a guy, because in those my years there was no information that being a transgender girl is normal, plus in russia being transgender is dangerous for life, but at 18 i went crazy from hating my body and finally I was able to accept the fact that i am a trans girl, and started hormone therapy at 20 and a half.
I have been on illegal hrt for almost 2 years now and hormone therapy eats up a lot of money, with the money i spent on hormone therapy, i could have bought a new computer on which i could have draw even better and more productively, but unfortunately i could no longer tolerate my male body.

I have depression, bipolar disorder, and adhd, like can think about suicide in the morning and then dream about being a world-famous furry artist in the evening and then the next morning i want to slit my wrists or cut myself again.

I can't get mental health care because i am in a country where transgender people are legally considered sick people who need to be made cisgender again. My parents want to send me to conversion therapy.

I cry almost every day, i have nightmares about my past and my mistakes. I don't know when this hell i live in will end, i'm tired of starving and constantly worried and afraid for my life and future.

If you want to support me, you can take my commission, which i don't know when i will give it back, or just throw some money on my boosty or on my friend's paypal (some European and American banks can't send money on boosty, so my friend who has a paypal is helping me).

https://boosty.to/seryfoxx
https://paypal.me/FrayeSystem


I will try to find new medications in november and december, which will not have such strong side effects, because of which i can't draw much and qualitatively.


I study art production, screenwriting and learn english every day, but sometimes my body and mind want to give up because my fridge is still empty and i have no money in my bank account.

What is the point of following your dreams if absolutely everyone, from your parents to the state, tries to destroy your life, hopes and dreams?

When i try to find friends, i run into losers like me, who have everything bad in their lives, and this further destroys my mental and condition. I don't have any friends who are doing well in life, and sometimes i run into outright transphobes who can't accept that a woman can have a dick, even in the furry community.

I feel emotionally raped and i feel like screaming and cutting my body from the pain i'm experiencing, i don't feel hopeful since i'm 18, i feel endless despair.

I want to become a furry movie maker, I've been working on the screenplay of my own furry sci-fi series and movie since i was 16 (i'll tell you about it later).

I plan to move to Canada, i'm asking for help from a lgbtqa+ organization (https://www.rainbowrailroad.org/) to give me information on how to get into Canada legally, but they take a long time to respond, it takes months before they respond, which means the move could take another year. I don't even know how i will survive in the crumbling economy of russia in 6 months time.

I understand if you think i'm weak, yes i am, i'm physically weak, i have no physical or emotional health, no family to support me, and no friends nearby to hug and pity me. I'm really sorry for that. I'm sorry for being so pathetic. I'm trying to change, but it's taking a huge chunk of time.