So, Birfday is tomorrow. I'm mopey and depressed all the time but this time of year it can get especially bad.

I don't have as much to worry about, though. I mean I have my partners, I have friends and loved ones, My health is shit but I'm working to fix that. Yeah I'm old and broken and tired but, well, that's life.

At least that's what I'd like to say.

I am old. Past 40 now. I'm tired and I can't produce as much as I want. That's what really gets me. if I had it in me I'd spend every day creating and producing 'something', and I don't. I know what I produce is shit but it's "MY" shit, and the older I get the inability to create, and the loss of the aforementioned loved ones, are the only things that still cripple me with existential dread. Sadly they just get worse. I live in perpetual fear of losing those I love, and of dying before I somehow produce everything I could produce. Every day not writing or making is a day wasted, but I also know if I don't take those days I can't create.

So, well, Here on the day before I pass 40 I just feel I should vent all of that. Because really what else can I do?