Does anyone know how to raise self-esteem and beat the fear of being alone, insecure, or vulnerable? I'm...not doing so good right now and just need to talk to someone about how I'm feeling.
I'm open to DMs if it helps.
The major thing that caused this was bullying in school and too many people saying I can't do things, like find a girlfriend, be good at things, and seeing so many people in happy, loving relationships whilst I'm 3 years shy of 30, and still haven't had a chance for intimacy, is torturing me as I CRAVE the company of a girl who encourages me, supports me, and loves me for all my flaws, disabilities and all. As someone who's a very loving and compassionate individual from what people have told me, all of that I mentioned above is tearing me apart and at times I go to bed sobbing like a widower as my fears strangle me and crush me in a grip I'm finding impossible, even with therapy, to break out of, to the point I just want to plunge a blade into my heart and end it all to find peace in death.
It almost came to that during my school days when my bullying was so extreme (to the point someone tried to forcibly get my d**k out in a dinner queue in front of other students once), I just wanted to die to be free.
As someone who's autistic, it takes a long time to get me to open up about these topics,and it takes even more time for me to actually get into gear.

I guess what I'm saying is like 5 days out of the week I'm happy single, do my own thing and all is good. But then there are a few times a week where I just think 'huh, I'd love to have a partner right now' not to replace the things I have/do but to add into my life to share experiences with.

For example if I go to a nice restaurant, or they go to the gym or I go to a nice beauty spot, most of the times I'm happy to do these things by myself but even now and again I wish I was doing it all with someone special.
That said, I want to find the right woman for me, but it would be nice to find someone amazing to share experiences and hobbies with!