What an interesting and awful but edifying few months it's been lately.

I am letting go of the majority of my religious presuppositions. To some that might be terrifying, and perhaps disappointing.

In embracing myself, in every dark crack of my brokenness as a human being living in this broken, fallen world, this includes a full embrace of my sexuality, and, yes, even lived out through fictional anthropomorphic animal people.

Presently I am discovering as Paul said, all things are lawful, and in embracing all things, I am discovering what is beneficial. As I have said this journey is not for the coward, and takes more faith in God than the "Narrow way". (Sorry for the religious talk it's my belief religion gives God a bad name, this journal is NOT for religious talk, I'll make another one if people want to discuss that called RELIGIOUS JOURNAL, this one is for discussing the furry fandom.)

OKAY. Moving on.

To me, the furry fandom, in its essence, is pure, innocent, kind and loving. If animal people were as capable of the awful atrocities the human race nearly continually commits, what would be the point? That's being human with extra steps. Ew. No. We definitely would not let our vulnerable developing children watch them as cartoons, as healthy parents seek to bring a child to maturity with a temperance of exposing them to the pain of life while at the same time shielding them from it long enough (Give and take) for them to maturely accept and adapt.

Now. As most of us know, every single "Perversion" (I add the quotes because I view perversion as a broken persons attempt to cope with the desire for/act of act of sexual congress, and the desires inherent with most human beings.) that has ever existed in the hearts of the human race has been drawn in furry/anthro form, and if it is not true yet, it will definitely be true tomorrow.

I have seen some things... This fandom has repulsed me, to my core, but thankfully it blesses me far, far more often. (Nearly every day, actually.)

However, it is beneficial for the soul if one views what disturbs them as the trauma and brokenness of an innocent person who has been damaged with no healing answers- in the form of an artful expression. Oftentimes, the most damaged people are the ones who draw the most beautiful art! Bless them for their service to mankind.

In the eyes and forms of the anthro animal person, I see purity, love, sometimes anger, but I see a world not cursed by the endless toil and trauma of this present age. I see, in their eyes, what you could call... "Heaven."

Having worked with real-life wolves, who came with a certificate of authenticity from the wild, and truly appreciating the common canine (dog) I have come to realize something wonderful. Anyone who has ever lifted the lips of their family dog was likely shocked to see the teeth of a perfect killing machine, every calcified tooth harder than a nail, and designed for truly terrible things.

Except, we know our doggos as creatures of pure unconditional love... How is this so?!? I believe by nature of possessing such an arsenal, by being capable of unspeakable acts of violence, that the canine has said, in their heart, "I will not use my weapons for their intended purpose. I will, instead, love this human with the pure love of the Creator, and protect them with my life gladly. I only ask that you feed me."

What an unspeakably wonderful transaction. The trading of inexpensive dog-food for the unconditional love of a potential killer.

How splendid.

Thusly, when I imagine my animal people (I have written many novels on them, my beloved Naakaanee people, I will post some of them soon. I have decided to offer them free of charge here, and for pay on Amazon, so you if you enjoy them and decide to want to pay me you can- or if you do not wish to or cannot, you can still enjoy them. I hope they are enjoyable. Ok. Moving on.) I imagine them being created by God, fucking up like we did (It actually was gods plan all along but I'll save that for the other journal) and getting booted out of paradise...

And, these animal people discovering how hungry, horny, and angry they were, well. Got kind of rapey and murdery. Except, they quickly realized that the womenfolk had the same daggers and knives under their lips as the dudes, and, in time, they began to realize that, while they are all armed to the teeth (OK pun intended) maybe, instead of killing each other, and trying to rape the females, instead, they could do, oh, you know, NOT THAT.

Instead, they could plant and raise crops to feed their community, court one another in gentle celibacy, nurture and raise their children with love and compassion, train up the young men (And females if they desire it) to be tough protectors of said society from those who have not yet learned the righteousness of peace. (And must sometimes be taught it at the edge of a sword)

What a dynamic that would be, right??

And here on FA we get to taste it. This is why animal people will never not be beautiful to me. It's not only their form, but what they represent.

Something truly wonderful, existence with love as a dynamic.

PORN!!!

What about the porn, Dave?!?

I'm glad you asked!

As someone who was addicted to porn for many years, I can add my understanding, take it, or leave it. The porn is as equally beautiful to me. What? How? Because sexuality was designed by the creator to be the most spiritually intimate acts two human beings can engage in. (How often we fall so dazzlingly short of its majesty, lawlll) It is as powerful to complete people just the same as it is fragile, corruptible, and able to destroy countless people who desire it's perfection, oftentimes never to experience at all. (Very sad.)

So. You put the furry dynamic into the mix, and what you get is something beautiful, where weirdos like me can explore the things that are rejected by society as dirty and filthy. But, trust me when I say, my 621 blacklist is quite large! My tastes are more vanilla-ish but still kind weird. (Fuck yeah)

SOCIETY AND SHAME

As mankind is so fond of doing, (Forgetting history is one of our favorite things, sadly) we shame deviants into nicely packed boxes of guilt and rejection. Why? Because two men going through the motions of making a baby isn't going to make a baby, and babies are needed to propagate society. Sorry, that's just a fact. If you say, what about adoptions, yes, true, but for that kid to be adoptable, a heterosexual union had to happen.

Take it back to tribal days when you had Bubba caveman who liked to mate with the camels. The female humans shunned (And shamed, no doubt) him, he had a bad case of worms, and when the barbarians invaded, he was too skinny to fight back and the whole tribe was lost, the men murdered, the women forced into servitude, often sexual in nature. (That sucks! Nobody wants that! I mean, except the barbarians)

So, the heteronormative narrative was created and found to be best for society. Everything- literally everything else was shunned, and rightfully so. However, by doing so, we denied our fragile existence, denied the trauma inherent in so many people, forcing them to perform and believe a lie- that the heteronormative narrative leads to happiness. It can, sure, but as we are seeing so often it ends in divorce, sadness, brokenness, and suicide, with single mother homes producing children who are far more likely to commit suicide or end up incarcerated.

Sorry, that's just the facts. I wish it were not so.

Because, by embracing what makes us weird, is what makes people truly happy, and more than mere happiness- grants us liberty and freedom. Granted, one can embrace their weirdness right into a dangerous situation, get an STD, and even be murdered because of it. However, is the person embracing their love of the same gender worse-off than the person denying it, who has children and a wife now, but after 30 years, is going to run away with the pool boy, leaving his wife devastated, and his children confused and angry?

Well, you tell me.

I have come up with a saying, "Embrace your darkness or forever be its slave". It's certainly been true for me.

THE PROBLEM

The problem can happen when a mature ass adult, wakes up on bright, sunny morning, and while looking at their FA inbox, suddenly realizes,

HORSE COCK TURNS ME ON AND IF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY EVER FIND OUT THEY WILL FUCKING KILL ME AT BEST, REJECT ME AT WORST! I MUST DELETE MY FA ACCOUNT AND FORGET I EVER ENJOYED ANIMAL PEOPLE. I AM SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF I AM ALSO GOING TO CONTEMPLATE SUICIDE!!!

This person is committing a terrible sin against themselves, in my opinion, and is taking-on shame into their soul, denying themselves of what was designed to heal, to be enjoyed. We all do this. I am a 6'1" 200 LB ex-mercenary trained by 2 organizations and a spec ops soldier, has volunteered for intergovernmental operations and was told i was basically not coming home from, saddled up anyway, who carries a firearm, Khukuri blade on him every day, has survived 13 things that have historically killed other people, died one time (Actually went to the other realm) worked with wolves, has jumped street bikes... You get the point right?

Who likes hairy wolf-women, (And sneps, come on, sneps are gorgeous, you do you but my people are wolves and sneps) would absolutely marry one if they existed, and likes cute little chibis and puppy dogs... You're god damned right I don't let anyone in my unit know! For the fear of being shamed and laughed at! I have an anthro wolf face on my phone and yeah! I'm scared someone will call me out on it, it's always traumatizing to turn my phone on, however, the animal-person is so beautiful to me, I get lost in her eyes, I imagine her real, what she would be like, what manner of person she would be, and yes, wanting to give her some of my throat yogurt! Since I'm being honest! (I wish more people would be honest) If it "Got out" that I was a slightly gay furry it may also harm my business, upon which I rely for my survival. It also, may not. I have faith in the universe to provide for me as I embark on this fearful journey.

The irony, however, is the ones doing the laughing secretly, very likely, would absolutely rail a wolf person, if they existed, their same-desire manifesting itself as mocking. Probably not always, some people see no fruit in investing so much of themselves into what does not exist. I understand that. For me, it's worth seeing the art, gathering that dopamine, writing my novels where I get to explore myself in marvelous fantasy settings. I would die without it.

~OR~

WHY DOES THIS NAKED ANIMAL PERSON TURN ME ON?!? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!!! OH MY GOD DO I WANT BESTIALITY? UHHHHHHH KILL ALL FURRIES!!! FURRIES RUIN EVERYTHING!!! BURN THE FURRIES!!! okay that naked puma girl is hot af but KILL ALL FURRIES AND PUT CHLORINE GAS IN THE VENTHILATION SYSTEM OF THE FURRY CON!!! DIEEEEE!!!!111

You know the kind. I wish people would admit to where they are at, at their stage of life. Then, those suffering in silence would have the release of not feeling so alone and alienated. THIS dynamic is robbing the young of any hope, of meaning, of their sense of priceless value as a human being. We are literally killing the next generation with our unwillingness to be honest about our innermost desires, and damning people to lives of endless self-denial, along with a system of selfish greed (It's the best we got, but still) that robs them of the hope of owning a home. They're seeing relationships decay, and losing hope for that, too. It's no wonder they're burning things down. In a way, they're absolutely right. This society has failed them spectacularly.

There's a verse in the Bible, "Take up your cross, and deny yourself..." Well, I am saying fuck that. Set that god damned thing down and love yourself. Be kind to yourself. Listen to your spirit and do not do things you do not like doing, and do things you enjoy doing, unless it harms you, someone else, an animal, of righteous society. (Cos fuck Nazi Germany if i may be honest, burn that shit down, top tier clowns with guns, doing clown things. Sadly, I fear we are headed for those days yet again, and by those very individuals who cry for sexual freedom.) And if that offends you keep in mind the Bible also says at some point in the "End days" Gods Grace will be poured out on all flesh, that includes gay/you/literally everyone and everything.

As I have said exploring my sexuality, if the condom breaks I may end up with an incurable disease that, at best, takes 8 years off of my life, and perhaps right after that experience I meet the woman of my dreams who would complete me and was sent to me by the universe. So one could certainly wreck themselves. So love yourself... Safely. Some things aren't worth the repercussions my friends. Many men have bottomed for the first time, found it very painful, and ended up with HIV. Some might consider the reward for that to be insufficient for the result.

I have battled with the immorality of the furry dynamic and especially the enjoyment of the porn. I have fasted from the fandom, wrestled with God over it, which hilariously God was telling me all along he literally put the desires for the fandom (The core of them) in my soul, it is literally a part of my dna by Gods design... God has even used some of my writing to wake up parts of my heterosexuality that were seared-shut as a child who was raped and abused by men and women both. God used that same story (The first sex scene I wrote after writing a bunch of other novels and trying not to allow my characters who deeply loved one another, to F U C K) to tell me the wolf-woman (Genetically created from real wolf DNA in that particular novel) if one molecule of lupine essence existed in her love-tunnel the human man was loving, that if it was wolf, technically it WAS bestiality, and maybe I should keep my Naakaanee people God-breathed and not genetically engineered as I explored once!

Alright so I am straying from the point again.

It is my personal belief that there is quite a bit of dysfunction within the fandom, and we are holding ourselves back quite a bit. There is a bit of a lack of maturity, too, but that's really only people embracing their inner child. My inner child carries a battle rifle.

I will forever love this fandom, and be grateful to the creators of the art who bring bits of light into my life. (The first 40 years of my life were spent in fire and blood and pain, as I embrace myself the darkness gets penetrated)

The embracing of myself has gone from OH MY GOD I, A FILTHY SINNER JUST WATCHED TWO MALE ANTHROS TRY AND MAKE A BABY OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME

to...

Wow, that's hot AF, think I'll have a nice fap, and move on with my day.

and

CRIPPLING LONELINESS AND EXISTENTIAL DREAD

vs.

Eh, it would be nice to be in a relationship with someone, literally 5 people want to exchange throat yogurt, (I, quite literally could get laid in probably an hour, maybe more lol, women have always liked me and it's almost annoying) a handful of female humans would as well, I'll just roll with it as I'm not sure if I'm ready for a relationship (Waiting for the universe say it's cool or not cos L O R D K N O W S I'm kinda fucked up, and I dun wanna hurt a woman like I ended up hurting my ex fiancee, there's enough suffering in this world without me adding to it!!!)

Doing what I desire to do, literally writing 5 more novels at once and pouring my heart into every one, financially terrified (My spirit sometimes won't answer the phone. He also likes alcohol a LOT!!! Liquid joy is hard to resist, let me tell you.) but trusting the universe, if I lose everything I lose everything and get the joy of starting again. Or, living comfortably in my van. It takes a LOT of faith to trust the universe. Loving the furry art here and the 621, exploring the how and why of my love of the fandom, how I maturely feel about animal people in the realm of if they existed, exploring the secrets of the universe, life, and love. Discovering love for other human beings, that ties into loving myself =)

Remember something, you are a precious individual creation. Or, a precious result of a type of divine evolution, a piece of a puzzle that is onward to perfection, without your individual piece the puzzle could not go on, you are life and the universe itself. (If you don't want to believe in God or the universe or the sacred spaghetti monster, may his divine tentacles touch you and give you meatballs... I guess)

THE CONCLUSION

I love the fandom. I have Z E R O desire to want to BE an anthro. Imagine being able to smell farts 1,000 times better. Getting your tail slammed in doors constantly. Having to call me (A plumber) to constantly clean your drains because of the hair. (LOL imagine plumbing the shower drain in 4" ABS HAHA) In a human setting, you then get to deal with people hating you because you're different, or, perhaps, anthros are so completely different they won't be hated at all.

I have found y'all to be kind and accepting. I have a place here and it feels weird and taboo. As a Christian we're supposed to "Put away childish things" not... Embrace them. But, what if your inner child being denied for so long is what's causing your anxiety? And depression? Because those things are a shadow in my life of what they once were. Truly. Embracing my demons, giving the devil a hug. TRULY seeking God, but for me, outside the walls of religion and fear. (Did I mention I actually died once and went to another realm of existence where there was no time, and God (Love, literally) soaked my spirit/soul/whatever >I< am in his pure essence (Again, the very definition of the word love?)

W E I R D

One thing I want even more than a mate, is to learn to draw better. I'm working at it, slowly. My writing is taking a beautiful new dynamic as I strive to understand my fellow man (And woman) in society and at the dog park (I'm talking about the assigned gender humans, here.) I know I am weird and fucked up but honor goes to whom puts the work in. Plumbers don't have scalpels for a reason if you get my drift. And, this is not a cowards journey, they never take the next step. That would require more faith than they have.

Truly, truly I have SO MUCH i want to draw and put on paper. Art-wise. Wow, it's 1 o clock, 13:00. I really must get on with my day.