For the sake of my own scatterbrained mind as well as for you guys reading this, this journal will be split up into various parts with titles so as not to jumble so many things.

But before I begin I just wanna make it clear that I know that many people who read this will not be satisfied with most if not all of what I have to say. They will curse me and wish the worst upon me and that is absolutely to be expected as well as on my part completely understandable. I have no real excuses but I would like to preface this journal by saying that this will not be an excuse. This will be only and explanation. Only a way to clear up the doubts and worries. I expect for the comments to be a pretty big shit show and I admit that I deserve that, but I will let you all know that no matter how much I post, for a very long while I'll be avoiding the comments as much as I can. If you have a comment that you want for me to directly be able to read please DM me. If it's all hate I might open it but I will not respond. If there is something truly that you wish to discuss I will open it, hear you out and respond if necessary especially to clients. Any and all hate will be taken very lightly seeing as the only person that hates myself even more is my own self.

Explanation:
Talent is something that has to be worked on in my case, I last a long time before finishing a piece. There are so many elements, layers, colors, correction that have to be accounted for and I know that I have the choice to lower the quality just in order to get things done quicker and close if not at the same expected deadline that I need them to be done by. Either way I have no excuse or cover up. I know who I am and I know how much I have fucked up and I know this ain't the first. The person I end up hurting the most are my followers and clients. I suffer in my own way and not being able to sleep nights because of what I have done is something that I am through experiencing because the fact of the matter is that I never at all intended to scam or abandon anyone. Not one single client. Works tend to overlap as I accept the workload of a new user, then dates get pushed further apart and clients start scolding me and for good reason, but there isn't a set date in my mind in which I say: "Yes, this day I will abandon everything". It happens so very gradually and without warning. Since I work from home it is easy for me to sometimes take a day off, or maybe while working go downtown get some stuff that I need or on another day do a favor for a friend or family and projects get even more pushed further away. Then when that happens the fear sets in. That fuckin piece of shit cowardly fear of me opening up my account and having to confront the angry words of one of my supporters. And while I have every intention of following through my fear of confrontation kicks in and I choose to ignore it for the time being. I say "Right now I can't deal with that so I'll do it for tomorrow", then tomorrow turns into a week and then a month and before you know it now I am in a hole as deep from here to China. Then at that point I come to the conclusion that I am not yet ready to go back because of the onslaught that is waiting for me. I allow the snowball to grow and grow.

I don't want anybody's forgiveness, in fact hate me all you want, I deserve it. My actions have been inexcusable and no matter how badly I am fucked up in my head wether I have avoidant personality disorder or whatever I ask not for anyone's sympathy, all I ask is to be allowed to continue work on my pendings but more so on my personal storied long form comic. I always leave things without finishing them and that trauma must come from somewhere but I'll be damed if I abandon the best thing that has ever happened to me and that is you guys and this community. No matter what happens I am staying. I am here now, I will stay for all the abuse but I WILL finish this.

Comments:
If any of you wish to take a hold of my page and turning it into a non stop feeding frenzy of hate and negativity be my guest. For these coming months I will pay no mind. I will only post here and on my twitter and Patreon. I need to avoid those types of messages for my own mental well being. If you wish for a comment to get to me specifically so I can read and respond to it your best shot is to DM me, however I will say if there is only hate and hurtful things in said DM I will not be responding. Send hat or judgement and scorn and vitriol, I don't care because I deserve it, I know I fucked up and I am not back on here pretending that everything's A Ok, I'm addressing all this mess, and hopefully I can pick up the pieces one by one. But again you can tell me all the negative shit in the world all you want but if you also want wanna extend that olive branch, that helping hand to where we can meet somewhere in the middle then yes I am all for it. I cannot proceed and attempt to succeed on my own even though I deserve to be on my own.

Return to Form:
This is not only me stepping up to the plate and challenge, but also a cry for help.
Believe me… anything you have to say negative about myself I have already told myself those things tenfold… there is no one that hates me more than I hate myself. And that’s ok. I have come to terms with that. I also love myself too, but not nearly enough as when I was steady on with my art and my clients. And I have had enough of this shitty year. The cry for help that I am referring to is only for people who want me back and want new works from me. I wasn’t as hard on myself when I was doing good by my supporters and doing what I love doing. I very much would like to return to feeling that way and sticking to it. I’m absolutely done putting myself down as I am done with others putting me down, and even though I cannot see it or hear or read any of it, I know it’s there and growing with each passing day that I am gone. I have had enough… and I am sure a LOT of you guys have had enough of me, and that’s absolutely fine.

Believers, watchers, subscribers, Patreon and supporters:
For those who are going to make the tough choice of staying and believing in me, even though my words are just that, words and are empty and really shouldn’t mean anything until at least another year of constant work and consistency, I make this promise to you that I will not let you down. Just give me some time. Give me some patience even though that I am in no position to be asking for anything right now. Like I said let’s talk through DM’s.

Plan of action:
I will start completing all my pending works only in order, this way I avoid scatterbrain since I seem to struggle with that, however alongside me finishing my paid works I will be focusing on my personal storied comic book. I hope to be able to get to a point to only sustain myself on my patreon alone posting the comic there alongside other personal stuff such as sketching, potential ideas, new characters, etc tec. AT least two pages a month, which will allow me to step away from relying on commissions. The pressure of delivering stuff owed is much more greater and intimidating for me than just posting and focusing on my Patreon. That way again I avoid scatterbrain and just have my own stuff to deal with.