This was a hard journal to make, so I’m sorry if nothing makes sense at the moment. Sunday February 1, I had to make the hardest decision of my life. I had to say goodbye to my sweet dog Freyja. A dog that for the last 9 years has been one of the best gifts ever. Freyja was a sable German Shepherd born on March 17, 2016. I would always joke about her birthday, and say she was an Irish Shepherd instead.

When we first bought her home as a puppy, I wanted nothing to do with her…and that was because I lived with family members who I knew wasn’t going to take care of her the way that they should because they were lazy. The puppy stage faded, and my statement remained true….but luckily not at 100%. I felt forced into a decision I wanted no part of. But man that lil puppy said “F your feelings;” gave me the middle paw finger, and proceeded bonding to me anyways. A relationship was built, so I bonded with her too. Just like everyone else did.

Me and my grandma were the main caretakers after my aunt passed. My grandma warmed up to her like everyone else did, but at first she was defiant as me. In the presence of a grandma, of course that defiance wasn’t gonna last.

Over the years, I’ve done so many things with this lil pup. Watching her grow, watching her personality develop…she basically took on her caretaker’s personality. A personality one would call, *goofy.* She looked as if she smiled a lot whenever I took photos of her. She would always walk around with either her cheeseburger squeaky toy, or her squeaky duck, or a squeaky pb&j sammich toy. She would randomly plop them somewhere in the house. Usually, it’s in areas where I tended to be. This was the cutest thing ever! She also caused me to trip over some by surprise. A move I call, poorly timed affection. I’ve trained her to do so many things…but I had to adapt to wearing a bathing suit to give her a bath…not exactly fun. She was very goofy.

Freyja loved everyone in that house. She’d bounce from me to grandma. If she wasn’t under me, she’d be under grandma begging her for cookies and leaning against her, thumping that beaver tail of hers, demolishing the walls. Freyja also had a small audience of friends who also loved her. Everyone who’s met her, loved her. ^^

And as the years passed by, I felt like she was the anchor keeping me grounded through some of my worse moments. I’ve have multiple instances where had I not had her, I would’ve took the pro choice route on myself and faded off this planet. Especially with all the traumatic instances that happened to me over the years. Instances like when she helped me during the shunning phase of leaving a former religion. She didn’t know what was going on, or why I’d spent so much time crying in my room…She just knew she was happier by me, lying there ready to plop that squeaky cheeseburger on my lap.

She helped me get through my aunts suicide back in 2023. That year and the follow up afterwards were the hardest times I had to go through. I’ve attempted to factory reset myself 4 times…I’m not proud to say that…but I’ve struggled and made some bad decisions and equally bad regrets. I felt like Freyja was my last anchor. And even when I almost said goodbye, I felt like it would’ve been wrong to do that to her. As if my decision wouldn’t also affect my family but I wasn’t thinking of that during those times…sadly I felt it wouldn’t have mattered much to them anyway. The mind of a broken person be like.

I felt like Freyja understood me like no one else would…despite her being just a dog. I remember being so afraid of seeing her sick, and when she got older I remember being sad when I saw the first signs of her slowing down. She had this terrible skin condition, and she had hyperthyroidism which gave her weight issues. That was a bit hard to control at first…but eventually she got better and she became healthier over time. Over time, I noticed mild walking issues as she aged. Watching her go from leaping like a deer at the lightest tap of the front door, to being unable to climb stairs…that was tough to watch. She would have to walk in circles to gain momentum to climb them again, but she’d end up falling down in defeat because she just had no strength to get up. This was misery to witness. When I took her to the vets, she was diagnosed with degenerative myelopathy. This is a condition that’s incurable. This was also one we were told she’d only have between 6-12 months left with us. A condition that only gave us almost 2 months.

My last full day with Freyja was one where I stayed with her most of the night downstairs. I couldn’t even get her coaxed enough to get a piece of cheese, or a piece of chicken, a bit of pizza maybe, or some peanut butter…It was like I was trying to beg her to keep me from making that final call. I was begging her not to make me say goodbye just yet..Please, not just yet…but it was no good. I knew I had to say goodbye…I knew we all had to say goodbye.

Sunday, when that day came, she was her normal excitable self. Despite not being able to move, she was so eager to go for a car ride. So eager in fact, that she actually found the strength to stand, only for the moment. When we got to Banfield hospital, this heifer even started growling at the pups in Petsmart’s parking lot. Again, doing this despite being unable to move. I thought that was pretty funny, I’m not gonna lie!

The vet and my cousin had to help bring her to the room in this makeshift sling we made with my old beach towel. Freyja somehow still wobbled her way towards me to sit there by my side on the ground when I had to stay there before they bought her in.
We were led in this quiet room, and my family spent our final moments together…The vet even gave us some salami she bought her coworkers for lunch to feed to her. Me and my cousin helped her eat that too. Prima Della luncheon meats, especially their salami, slaps!

This is the first pet I’ve had to put to sleep. I knew the process of it, but I wasn’t ready for the pain afterwards. Once I saw the pink syringe needle, I lost it.

I told my cousin to hold her paw as that last shot was given to her. He held her head and felt it slowly getting heavier. We made sure she knew she gave us the best 9 years of our lives…and then, she was gone…forever. The vet checked her heart, and then she said, “Freyja is in peace.”
I held her head after reality set in, and I just lost it…I felt like I lost everything, and I didn’t care who was around to see me in that room forced to accept something they may or may not have felt just yet…that pain is unimaginable! I lost my dog, only 5 days out of surgery…it felt like I had to have another one…but a broken heart isn’t fixed like that.

That first night was brutal. The house is so quiet now, and it makes sure you know something is definitely missing. It feels like I lost half of myself…my grandma definitely feels like that too…and despite this not being her 1st pet, that feeling will never change no matter how many pets you have over your life. The price of a good dog is a broken heart.

I love you Freyja!
I’ll be with you again one day.
03/17/2016~02/01/2026 🌈🐾