They say when your depressed you should talk to a therapist, but I'm afraid if I do I'll realize I am just waiting to die. Not wanting to kill myself, but to just die, die saving someone, die so someone else can be motivated to turn thier life around. Like I'm a background character in someone else's story who will deliver some peice of wisdom or advice then just die. Or that if I unpack all my feelings there won't be anything there, like being depressed is all I am? Or the solution to my problems is something I shouod have done but its too late to do it or its something I just can't do. I want to be loved and be in love, but have never been romanticly attracted to someone. I have all these sexual fantasies but actually having sex? It scares me, I've never even purposely gotten myself off, having to perform for someone else is terrifying, and I'm not just afraid I'll be bad at it I don't think I can ever... do it. I fear therapy will just lead to punishment, to things that do bring me joy being taken away. That all things I like will be stripped away and "spirituality" that means nothing to me will be forced on me. That I'll be forced to do activities I don't care for with people I don't connect with. Or worse I'll conclude I DO want to kill myself! That I shouod have refused my heart transplant and just died. I don't feel like I have anything I am really passionate about. And then there's my fear I'm just spewing pointless nonsense here.