*reads over the story*

Alright, let me give you a couple more simple suggestions to start out and see what you come up with.

First off, you have some useless words. To see what I mean by "useless words" read The Elements of Style. It is a very good book on things to avoid while writing. Basically if you can take out a word without impacting the meaning of a piece than you should do so. You don't have to write super concise, just make sure that every word you are using lends tells something.

Also you are way overusing commas according to contemporary usage (and in some places just using them where there is no need). Look over those. There are a whole bunch you should remove.

Finally, although I think you only do this once, avoid words like "wassisname". I understand your goal here, but it is cumbersome for a reader to read. You already said that the speaker was slurring, so it would be better to simply use "What's his name". It is less ambiguous (it almost looks like you are saying "was his name") and less of a burden for the reader. Keep the burden you place on the reader in mind at all times because if you make it too heavy they will feel it, which then pulls them out of the story. By the same token do not make it too light or they will find it childish sounding.

In regards to the useless words, that particular criticism seems to crop up a lot, so it's definetly something I'm going to have to work on. As for the commas, I've always had such a habit of overusing them that it's practically an in-joke amongst some of my friends (yes it's sad...don't ask), so for me, this is really quite good ^^. But yeah, I'll work on that.

The dialogue is something I'm pretty new to, as the short stories I've written earlier have been almost entirely descriptive. That particular advice is also very valuable, and I will definetly consider it in the future.

Thanks for reading, and your comments

First off your paragraph structure is a bit weak. You tend to run multiple ideas together when shorter paragraphs would create a more complete idea.

Second, 'said' is the most commonly used speech tag. It's also the most easily ignored so whenever you need to identify who a speaker is its the best one to use.

For example:

"Oh, don't give up so easily", came a low, delocalised growl, seeming to come from everywhere, and nowhere, "I was rather enjoying watching you flail about on the floor there"

Can be changed so that the identity of the speaker remains hidden, and yet provides a more clear idea that He/She/It is indeed watching from somewhere.

"Oh, don't give up so easily," Said a low delocalised growl that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere. "I was rather beginning to enjoy watching you flail about on the floor there."

If you'll note, simply by rearranging a few syllables the syntactic rythm now flows more smoothly, and it gives the reader a sense of looking around and trying to focus on the source of the voice, not just the sound of it. Very nice use of literary effect there by the way.

This paragraph jumped out at me because its missing certain transitive tenses.

"Imagine my surprise when one of my hounds found you, in a crumpled heap in the middle of the street. Especially, after everything I'd been told about you", the voice, which until now had been rather neutral, returned, dripping with menace and venom, "Especially after how much you've been paid. This is your first and final warning."

I'll show you what it looks like with transitive tenses.

"Imagine my surprise when one of my hounds found you, just lying there in a crumpled heap in the middle of the street. And after everything I'd been told about you," the voice, which until now had been rather neutral, returned, dripping with malice and venom, "And after how much you've already been paid! Well, consider this is your first and final warning."

By adding a few transitive tenses, even an intransitive tense and clearing up an error in diction, the underlying personality of the speaker begins to shine through. The literary term for this is actually called 'subjunctive tense' since the emotions being portayed become inherent in the words the speaker uses. It can also be used to convey descriptions more effectively but hey, that deals more with creating a 'mood' than it does with believable dialogue.

Desperate to escape from the confinement of the cellar, it never occured to Crask to question how whoever had addressed him had left the room, since the light flooding in would have instantly revealed the speaker. Crask would come to regret that oversight, after the events that followed this strangest of beginnings, but he could be forgiven for overlooking that one, significant question, considering the number of unanswered questions that had presented themselves over the course of the last few minutes.

This started out so well. You had a touch of foreshadowing in this paragraph. And then you killed it by beating us over the head with the blatantly obvious. By effectively telling your reader what is going to happen before it has even happened is a good way to kill any sense of suspense that had been building up until this point. Also, the point of view and the narrative take a dramatic shift away from 'exposition' and straight into 'explanation'. Bad author bad! Leave us asking questions, make us want to know what happens next and people will keep on reading!

Knocking it pushed the melange of delicately balanced cleaning equipment out of equilibrium, and the baffled Crask could only watch, cringing, and clasping desperately at empty air, as the room practically collapsed around him, in a cacophony of noise.

Run on sentence alert! Seriously, don't try to cram as many ideas into a single sentence as you can. It's not a contest! Apply concepts like 'time is a factor' and 'read it out loud' to figure out the natural length a sentence should be. Everyone has unique patterns of speech which lend themselves to differing lengths, but if an action requires more time to say than to actually happen its a good indication that its already gone on way too long.

Overall its not a bad read. Just brush up on some of the basics and the rest will fall into line. Ciao.